Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 412. Navigating Personal Growth, Friendship Dynamics and Heartbreak. Head Noise

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412. Navigating Personal Growth, Friendship Dynamics and Heartbreak. Head Noise · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:14
Speaker 1: Hello, my beans, and welcome to the podcast episode of today.
0:18
Speaker 1: This is a head noise episode, a voice note head
0:21
Speaker 1: noise episode. So this is where you guys obviously send
0:24
Speaker 1: in your voicemails and we break it down. I get
0:28
Speaker 1: into your head whenever possible, we break down what the
0:30
Speaker 1: issue is, and hopefully you can walk away feeling like
0:34
Speaker 1: you have a little bit more perspective on this question
0:37
Speaker 1: that you asked than before you send me the email.
0:41
Speaker 1: So I've got four that I'm going to go through.
0:44
Speaker 1: I find that a lot of people also write into
0:46
Speaker 1: me and say I listen to these head Noise episodes
0:49
Speaker 1: because so often someone says something where the advice is
0:52
Speaker 1: very applicable to something that I'm going through in my life.
0:54
Speaker 1: This is one of the you know, of course I
0:56
Speaker 1: want to answer individual questions, but one of the main
0:58
Speaker 1: reasons why I do these episodes is because a lot
1:00
Speaker 1: of the things that I talk about and the ways
1:02
Speaker 1: that you can frame how you think about something can
1:04
Speaker 1: be applicable to many different situations in your life, not
1:07
Speaker 1: just the one specific one that I'm answering. Anyway, let's
1:12
Speaker 1: let's start straight in number one.
1:17
Speaker 2: Hello Alexis, thanks for the podcast. You are amazing, and
1:22
Speaker 2: I've been listening to you since you first started, and
1:24
Speaker 2: you've followed me through the last years of lots of
1:29
Speaker 2: changes and growth and going from being a little casual
1:34
Speaker 2: employees owning my own business, so big steps. I'm struggling
1:40
Speaker 2: with when to know I'm doing enough. This goes from
1:45
Speaker 2: fitting in gym, from fitting in friends and work. You know,
1:51
Speaker 2: I go if I run twice a week and do
1:54
Speaker 2: a gym session and a yoga plass, and I still
1:56
Speaker 2: have the feeling I'm not doing enough. Why do we
2:01
Speaker 2: as persons and humans struggle so much with this that
2:05
Speaker 2: we're just not doing enough? You know, not training enough,
2:10
Speaker 2: not eating well enough. What is this constant feeling of
2:13
Speaker 2: not being enough? Why do I feel like if I
2:17
Speaker 2: haven't gone to the gym six times this week, it's
2:19
Speaker 2: not enough. I can't be content with the two or
2:24
Speaker 2: three times I made it. There's always this need for
2:27
Speaker 2: the more, and it's just, yeah, why is it never enough? Thanks?
2:33
Speaker 2: I hope you can enlighten me.
2:37
Speaker 1: Awesome question. Awesome, awesome question. I think there's several things
2:43
Speaker 1: that could answer that, and I think many of us
2:45
Speaker 1: find ourselves in that position. The first thing I'm going
2:47
Speaker 1: to talk about is this idea of firing on all cylinders.
2:51
Speaker 1: I think what makes us feel like we're not doing
2:55
Speaker 1: enough is if we look at each aspect of our
2:59
Speaker 1: life individually without looking at our life holistically. So what
3:03
Speaker 1: I mean by that is you've got, for example, your fitness,
3:06
Speaker 1: physical fitness, and your fitness goals. You would have overall health,
3:10
Speaker 1: whether that's you know, physical health you're working through something,
3:12
Speaker 1: or mental health, your friendships, romantic relationships, career, spiritual all.
3:18
Speaker 1: You've got all these things, okay, saving whatever what you choose,
3:23
Speaker 1: how many and it's very rare possible, but it's very
3:27
Speaker 1: rare that you'll be evenly firing exactly how you want
3:31
Speaker 1: to be across all cylinders. So then that would make
3:35
Speaker 1: you think, well, that means that I'm always going to
3:38
Speaker 1: be feeling like at you know, in some category or another,
3:41
Speaker 1: I'm not doing enough. But instead of looking at it,
3:44
Speaker 1: I want you to look at instead of think about
3:46
Speaker 1: it as I can never be giving one hundred percent
3:49
Speaker 1: across all categories, nor do I have to, because things fluctuate.
3:55
Speaker 1: Just like in a relationship, it's not about the partners
3:57
Speaker 1: always giving one hundred percent to each other one day,
4:00
Speaker 1: one partner can give a lot more when the other
4:01
Speaker 1: partner needs it the other date, it's the other way around,
4:04
Speaker 1: and that's what makes for a healthy relationship where you're there,
4:07
Speaker 1: you give when you can, and you also receive when
4:09
Speaker 1: you can. So you want to look at this as
4:13
Speaker 1: I cannot expect myself to be firing on all cylinders,
4:16
Speaker 1: because sometimes I need to give more in a different
4:19
Speaker 1: part of my life in order for me to feel grounded,
4:21
Speaker 1: to feel settled, to feel satisfied, to have life satisfaction, overall,
4:25
Speaker 1: to feel happy. And sometimes you're going to realize that
4:28
Speaker 1: in order to find that equilibrium or that balance or
4:32
Speaker 1: that you know, to feel you know, comfortable and happy
4:36
Speaker 1: and good, I need to this week put a bit
4:39
Speaker 1: more into my mental health this week. That's what I
4:41
Speaker 1: need to do. And given that, I'm going to be
4:43
Speaker 1: able to give less to the gym. But overall, if
4:46
Speaker 1: I look back, I'm like, well, I did pull back
4:48
Speaker 1: on the gym, but I was able to hit this
4:50
Speaker 1: other thing, So overall, I'm actually doing more than enough.
4:53
Speaker 1: I'm doing exactly what I needed. Same for career, you're
4:56
Speaker 1: going to come up across a hard week one day
4:58
Speaker 1: or a couple of days you know said you opened
5:00
Speaker 1: your own this is phenomenal. You went from being a
5:02
Speaker 1: casual employee to having your own business, like amazing, and
5:06
Speaker 1: you would know that there are gonna be weeks where
5:08
Speaker 1: you are under the pump. Shit is getting real. You've
5:12
Speaker 1: got to put in more work this week than normal
5:15
Speaker 1: maybe whatever the business is. For whatever reason, any business
5:18
Speaker 1: owner knows that things are gonna fluctuate significantly, so on
5:22
Speaker 1: that week you will have to pull back. Socially, You're
5:25
Speaker 1: gonna have to pull back maybe at the gym as well.
5:27
Speaker 1: There's certain things that are gonna go. You might have
5:29
Speaker 1: a really strict eating regime and they're like, that's out
5:31
Speaker 1: the window. I'm getting a pizza tonight because I just can't.
5:34
Speaker 1: But overall, you look back across the months and you say, well,
5:39
Speaker 1: these hard weeks are gonna come up and I need it.
5:41
Speaker 1: An overall, if I look at everything, I'm striking a
5:44
Speaker 1: balance here. So always look at you know, aiming to
5:47
Speaker 1: strike the overall balance. Not to say, oh, well that
5:50
Speaker 1: means I can just never go to the gym again
5:52
Speaker 1: because I'm just gonna work hard. No, but it's like
5:54
Speaker 1: it's give and take, give and take, give and take okay.
5:56
Speaker 1: It's rare that you can give even amount of energy
5:58
Speaker 1: to everything okay. And if you can accept that and
6:01
Speaker 1: factor that in, then you're going to already feel a
6:05
Speaker 1: whole lot better about how you're approaching your goals and
6:08
Speaker 1: how you're achieving your goals. Another thing that I want
6:11
Speaker 1: you to think about is that we never really get
6:18
Speaker 1: everything we want because the things we want expand as
6:23
Speaker 1: we achieve more in our life. So it's not like
6:25
Speaker 1: you're never gonna get what you want whatever. It's more
6:28
Speaker 1: so the fact that I hope, I like, I personally
6:31
Speaker 1: hope that I die with things that I still want
6:33
Speaker 1: to achieve. Because you're always growing. There's probably a point
6:37
Speaker 1: in your life where going to the gym wasn't even
6:39
Speaker 1: a thing. Then you started going to the gym, and
6:42
Speaker 1: now you're like, well, not only am I going to
6:44
Speaker 1: the gym, but I have an expectation of myself, and
6:46
Speaker 1: that expectation is this much. And then once you hit
6:48
Speaker 1: that expectation, you're like, well, I could be doing more
6:50
Speaker 1: and that expect So you've always got to look at
6:52
Speaker 1: it as I will always expect more from myself when
6:56
Speaker 1: I deliver the goods to myself when I hit goals,
7:00
Speaker 1: when I go from something that used to be difficult
7:02
Speaker 1: to something that's now just part of my everyday. It's
7:05
Speaker 1: human nature and it's what makes me feel fulfilled in
7:09
Speaker 1: my life to then want to take it to the
7:11
Speaker 1: next step. Take it to the next step. So instead
7:14
Speaker 1: of beating yourself up thinking I'm not enough, turn it
7:19
Speaker 1: around and think, of course, I'm craving more from myself
7:23
Speaker 1: because I've achieved more right now than what I used
7:26
Speaker 1: to do in the past. This is the next stage
7:27
Speaker 1: of growth. But I need to reframe how I look
7:30
Speaker 1: at it. I can't be looking at it as not enough.
7:33
Speaker 1: I've got to look at it as this is my
7:36
Speaker 1: body craving more growth, and it's trying to level up again,
7:40
Speaker 1: trying to level up again. And as long as you
7:42
Speaker 1: can reframe it in that way, then it's less of
7:44
Speaker 1: an attack on the self and it's more so an
7:47
Speaker 1: acknowledgment of well, I'm obviously wanting to push myself further,
7:53
Speaker 1: but I'm actually doing something right now that in the
7:56
Speaker 1: past was something that I probably never would have done
7:57
Speaker 1: and would never have been second nature for me. Okay,
8:01
Speaker 1: how do we find that balance? How are we kind
8:03
Speaker 1: of to ourselves. I think if you have a day
8:06
Speaker 1: where you didn't go to the gym and you thought
8:09
Speaker 1: I could have gone to the gym another day, you
8:11
Speaker 1: can also turn around and say, wait a minute. But
8:15
Speaker 1: I also never used to own my business. It might
8:17
Speaker 1: have been easy to do those things, but I ticked
8:18
Speaker 1: off these guys in my business. I also had a
8:20
Speaker 1: really meaningful conversation with that person today that took time
8:24
Speaker 1: out of my day, But I walked out of that
8:26
Speaker 1: conversation feeling really good because I was able to give
8:28
Speaker 1: that person advice and you know, I've done something with
8:32
Speaker 1: my time today. I was able to help that person.
8:34
Speaker 1: Or you know, I could have gone to the gym,
8:37
Speaker 1: but I actually ticked off that really mundane, annoying life
8:40
Speaker 1: admin list, like I did. I consolidated my fucking superannuation
8:44
Speaker 1: that kind of shit. So it's like, and for those
8:47
Speaker 1: of you that are not from Australia's superannuation is like
8:49
Speaker 1: your retirement funds whatever. So it's kind of like, always
8:54
Speaker 1: remind yourself, I'm not a flop, I'm not delusional, but
8:59
Speaker 1: I have to just stop looking at it as one
9:01
Speaker 1: category at a time. You need to be kinder to
9:04
Speaker 1: yourself especially when you're doing the work, and you're obviously
9:07
Speaker 1: doing the work because you're achieving a lot of growth
9:08
Speaker 1: in different areas of your life. Hopefully that's helped you
9:12
Speaker 1: frame it differently and help you feel a little bit
9:15
Speaker 1: better about how you look at those things. Because also
9:17
Speaker 1: when you beat down on yourself, you're less likely to
9:20
Speaker 1: want to do that thing. And even if you do
9:22
Speaker 1: do that thing, because it's like the drive behind it
9:24
Speaker 1: and it pushes you to do it, it's more like
9:26
Speaker 1: it feels like a punishment, feels like a slog instead
9:28
Speaker 1: of like, instead of thinking I'm motivated to run towards
9:31
Speaker 1: this thing, you think, oh, I've got to punish myself
9:33
Speaker 1: because I haven't done that thing. You want to change
9:35
Speaker 1: how you approach it so that way you feel really
9:37
Speaker 1: fulfilled when you are hitting these things, and not like
9:40
Speaker 1: two sessions won't fulfill me, but six will. They should
9:43
Speaker 1: all fulfill you because you're working across many different categories
9:48
Speaker 1: in your life. Thank you for writing in and thank
9:52
Speaker 1: you for being such a long term being. That's so exciting. Okay,
9:55
Speaker 1: next one.
9:58
Speaker 3: Hilex, I listen to a recent podcast of yours where
10:01
Speaker 3: you spoke about being a drag in a friendship, and
10:06
Speaker 3: I honestly feel like I might be a drag in
10:09
Speaker 3: my friendships. I struggle to tell the difference between, you know,
10:13
Speaker 3: sharing my challenges and then just over sharing. I sometimes
10:17
Speaker 3: find myself a little bit socially awkward and find I
10:20
Speaker 3: always have to be talking. So I'd love to find
10:23
Speaker 3: some tips or some methods to not feel like I'm oversharing,
10:27
Speaker 3: and to also find new topics to talk about. I
10:31
Speaker 3: don't see my friends that often, so I really just
10:33
Speaker 3: playing catch up more than anything than creating new memories
10:36
Speaker 3: or anything like that. And yeah, I don't want to
10:39
Speaker 3: feel like a drag in my friendship, so I look
10:41
Speaker 3: forward to hearing what you have to say. Thanks.
10:46
Speaker 1: Oh my god. I love the self awareness here. I love, love,
10:48
Speaker 1: love everything about this. This is amazing. I just wish
10:52
Speaker 1: a lot of people, a lot more people could be like,
10:54
Speaker 1: maybe that's me, and what can I do to change?
10:56
Speaker 1: So hats off to the self awareness for something that
10:59
Speaker 1: potentially it could be going on. That's really cool. Okay,
11:03
Speaker 1: So the first thing is the fact that you're always
11:07
Speaker 1: playing catch up makes it very easy to fall into
11:14
Speaker 1: the rhythm or the habit of kind of talking about
11:18
Speaker 1: your problems and whatever. So I don't blame you in
11:20
Speaker 1: that sense, because when you do have that dynamic with friendships.
11:24
Speaker 1: And again I spoke about this recently and I don't
11:27
Speaker 1: I'm not taking credit for someone else. It's an Australian podcast.
11:31
Speaker 1: I can remember the Australian accents if I can remember
11:33
Speaker 1: who it was. But there was a podcast not that
11:35
Speaker 1: long ago that spoke about the difference between creating there's
11:38
Speaker 1: catch up friends. Someone knows who said this, please let
11:41
Speaker 1: me know and I'll put it in my notes. Do
11:43
Speaker 1: you know Shania who who was it? Okay, well, yeah,
11:50
Speaker 1: so just asking shouldai because she knows where it's from.
11:53
Speaker 1: But anyway, it's this concept where you either have friendships
11:58
Speaker 1: where you're always forming new memories, and then there's the
12:00
Speaker 1: catch up friendships where you are friends out of like
12:03
Speaker 1: you've got a longevity in that friendship, but then you
12:06
Speaker 1: realize that the only time you the only quality time
12:09
Speaker 1: you have is to then catch up on each other's lives,
12:12
Speaker 1: like you catch up for a dinner catch up and
12:14
Speaker 1: you're just like, this is what's happened in my life,
12:16
Speaker 1: What's happened in your life? Anyway? That was such a
12:17
Speaker 1: nice dinner by next time, but you're not forging new memories.
12:21
Speaker 1: And a lot of the time, especially if you think, oh, well,
12:24
Speaker 1: my life's boring now it's just the nine to five.
12:26
Speaker 1: But when we were a young guy, it was really
12:27
Speaker 1: fun and we did europe troops and we worked together,
12:29
Speaker 1: and we did Unied together, and there was all these
12:30
Speaker 1: parties and experiences. It's not the same. You can always
12:34
Speaker 1: forge new memories of the people. It might look different,
12:37
Speaker 1: but you always can. So I think that that's a really,
12:39
Speaker 1: really valid point that you brought up, that sometimes you
12:43
Speaker 1: don't feel like you've got much to talk about, so
12:46
Speaker 1: you're like, well, I'll just talk about this stuff. And
12:47
Speaker 1: then am I dragging them down? Is every time we
12:50
Speaker 1: quote unquote catch up, it's me just talking about my problems.
12:52
Speaker 1: But my problems are probably more interesting than saying everything's
12:55
Speaker 1: going great. But here's a juicy problem that I can
12:57
Speaker 1: talk about. So I understand that. So there's two things
13:00
Speaker 1: that you can do. Number one is think, next time
13:03
Speaker 1: I see this friend, why don't I surprise them with
13:07
Speaker 1: something that's like, why don't I say, you know what,
13:11
Speaker 1: before dinner? We're doing an escape room. It's thirty bucks
13:15
Speaker 1: each or forty bus or however much it costs. We're
13:18
Speaker 1: doing an escape room? Two about so sad we are
13:21
Speaker 1: doing it? Do you know how much fun you're gonna have?
13:23
Speaker 1: You're not talking about any part of your life when
13:25
Speaker 1: you were in that escape room. I recently did an
13:27
Speaker 1: escape room with my cousins and it was the best.
13:30
Speaker 1: And what I love so much about it is after
13:32
Speaker 1: the escape room, when we went out for dinner, we
13:35
Speaker 1: were laughing and then you did this thing and that
13:37
Speaker 1: was so funny when you did instant, instant new memories
13:41
Speaker 1: that you forged together. And if you don't like escape rooms,
13:43
Speaker 1: we're like, before our dinner, we're going to do this.
13:47
Speaker 1: Do you know how quickly you're going to turn? Your
13:48
Speaker 1: friends are going to be like, fuck it, that's great, Well,
13:52
Speaker 1: let's indoor rock climbing. Let's go. We're going to do
13:54
Speaker 1: whatever it is. Suggest an adventure to do where you
13:59
Speaker 1: were both focused on a task. Ideally something that's lighthearted
14:03
Speaker 1: and fun, where you're a bit of a novice so
14:05
Speaker 1: you can kind of laugh at both of you guys
14:07
Speaker 1: stumbling your way through. Or if it's something you're to
14:09
Speaker 1: work out, like an escape room, it's a lot of
14:11
Speaker 1: problem solving together. It's very funny, and you then start
14:16
Speaker 1: to create a new memory. And then you're like, I
14:19
Speaker 1: remember what it was like to forge a new memory
14:22
Speaker 1: with this friendship. What can we do next time? What's
14:25
Speaker 1: something a fun adventure that we can do next time?
14:27
Speaker 1: What's something random that we can do? You know, Like
14:31
Speaker 1: sometimes I say to my friends, oh, well, instead of
14:32
Speaker 1: going for lunch, I really need to go to Waikia.
14:34
Speaker 1: And then let's pretend that we live in the mini hat,
14:36
Speaker 1: Like it doesn't have to cost you much money, but
14:38
Speaker 1: turn your hangouts into an adventure, because I think you're
14:41
Speaker 1: stuck in that loop of all we're doing is catching up.
14:45
Speaker 1: Then the next thing that you can do, Let's say
14:47
Speaker 1: you do that adventure and then afterwards you're you know,
14:49
Speaker 1: because they're going to now start to think she's a
14:51
Speaker 1: fun ho like she now is the one who's instigating adventures,
14:56
Speaker 1: fun things. She's coming up with ideas like where did
14:58
Speaker 1: this person come from? Now I want to be hanging
15:00
Speaker 1: out with this person. They're spontaneous, they're not bringing up
15:03
Speaker 1: like annoying stories from the past, like if they're just
15:06
Speaker 1: on and then when there is a problem, of course
15:08
Speaker 1: I'm going to listen to her because we're friends, like
15:10
Speaker 1: we're close, we have these adventures together which bring us closer,
15:15
Speaker 1: and then I want to hear about her problems and
15:17
Speaker 1: I want to help solve them ad vice versa. Another
15:19
Speaker 1: thing that you can do is give yourself the challenge if, like,
15:22
Speaker 1: next time we catch up, I'm gonna just be really
15:25
Speaker 1: good at remembering what we spoke about last time and
15:28
Speaker 1: asking them questions about themselves, just not every time, just
15:31
Speaker 1: the one time. Just you get into that rhythm of like,
15:33
Speaker 1: you told me that your mum was doing this thing
15:35
Speaker 1: last time, how did that go for her? What did
15:37
Speaker 1: like interest? And then you give them like a good
15:41
Speaker 1: platform to just talk about themselves just for one of
15:44
Speaker 1: the catchups, and then they feel really fulfilled when they
15:48
Speaker 1: live because everyone's favorite topic is themselves, let's be honest.
15:51
Speaker 1: So they're going to leave being like, fuck, I was
15:52
Speaker 1: a good encounter, Like I was able to talk about this,
15:55
Speaker 1: I was able to problem solve this, and then you
15:57
Speaker 1: could say, oh, could I give you a suggestion for that?
16:00
Speaker 1: Then they're going to be like, she's interested, she remembers
16:03
Speaker 1: everything that I said. I felt really validated in that conversation,
16:06
Speaker 1: and she comes up with ideas for adventures. Then when
16:10
Speaker 1: you talk about your problems or whatever, that's all in
16:12
Speaker 1: the mix of everything. But I think the number one problem,
16:16
Speaker 1: which you hit the nail on the head, is you
16:18
Speaker 1: don't see them that often, so it ends up just
16:19
Speaker 1: being a catch up. That's a trap we fall into.
16:23
Speaker 1: Just because you don't see someone often. It does not
16:25
Speaker 1: mean that the dynamic should be just as a catch up.
16:27
Speaker 1: It's the absolute opposite. If anything, there should be more
16:30
Speaker 1: adventure with the friends that you don't see that often,
16:32
Speaker 1: because this is you want to have a rich encounter
16:34
Speaker 1: because I only get to see you once every few months.
16:37
Speaker 1: All right, hopefully that helps. Next one.
16:47
Speaker 4: Hi, my name it's Taylor. I love listening to your podcast.
16:52
Speaker 4: I just need a bit of advice. I guess my
16:56
Speaker 4: partner of seven years and I'm at the beginning of
17:01
Speaker 4: the year a drunken one night stand. He's denied all allegations. However,
17:07
Speaker 4: the facts are undeniable, and unfortunately it's not the first
17:10
Speaker 4: time I broke it off with him at the beginning
17:13
Speaker 4: of the year. Long story short went now to hear
17:17
Speaker 4: and I'm only just properly breaking it off with him
17:20
Speaker 4: now as I've been exposed to the fact that he
17:26
Speaker 4: is an narcissist and he actually I have enjoyed emotional,
17:30
Speaker 4: you know, abuse from him. He spent the whole year
17:34
Speaker 4: trying to show that he's fighting for me and that
17:36
Speaker 4: he's changing. However, he did then sleep with someone else again.
17:43
Speaker 4: This year. We're at a party where my brother was
17:46
Speaker 4: Adam family, and I'm just kind of struggling. I guess
17:49
Speaker 4: with accepting that that's who he is, that he's going
17:52
Speaker 4: to say he's going to keep changing, but he won't change.
17:58
Speaker 4: And so yeah, it's been a really hard journey, and
18:01
Speaker 4: I guess just some advice on how to deal with
18:04
Speaker 4: the emotions of grief, the emotions of betrayal, the emotions
18:07
Speaker 4: are breaking up, the emotions of accepting he has really
18:12
Speaker 4: emotionally abused me, and accepting that he won't be changing.
18:17
Speaker 4: Any help would.
18:18
Speaker 1: Be an Okay, thank you so much for writing in
18:22
Speaker 1: great there's a great question today. I'm loving these questions,
18:26
Speaker 1: not loving what you're going through, but I'm loving the questions.
18:28
Speaker 1: So I think one of the best things, especially wh're
18:31
Speaker 1: dealing with a narcissist and someone that you dated, two things.
18:34
Speaker 1: Number One, you have to remind yourself that you are
18:38
Speaker 1: not dumb a fool like you for not seeing it earlier,
18:43
Speaker 1: for not understanding this earlier. People who are narcissists who
18:47
Speaker 1: know how to emotionally abuse or emotionally manipulate people, they're
18:50
Speaker 1: very good at doing that, and other people who who
18:55
Speaker 1: are not like that, who have not really experienced something
18:58
Speaker 1: exactly the same as that. But you go in for
19:01
Speaker 1: quite trusting with people. You go in like seeing the
19:04
Speaker 1: best in people. So it's easy to get swept up
19:06
Speaker 1: and to be blindsided by somebody who does that. So firstly,
19:10
Speaker 1: first and foremost, don't at any point beat yourself up saying,
19:14
Speaker 1: how did I see it? And now they're a narcissist
19:16
Speaker 1: and it's so obvious, but I didn't and this and that. No,
19:18
Speaker 1: just be like I was trusting as I like, like
19:21
Speaker 1: I like that trade about myself. I've come into this
19:23
Speaker 1: and it's just not worked out. Because there, you know,
19:26
Speaker 1: it is what it is. The second and equally is
19:29
Speaker 1: important thing that I want you to remember and remind
19:33
Speaker 1: yourself off all the time, because this is when I
19:35
Speaker 1: had my breakup with a narcissist also cheated on me. Also,
19:39
Speaker 1: the whole the whole spill, I reminded myself, and this
19:45
Speaker 1: was like my saving grace through the grieving of the
19:48
Speaker 1: relationship and the breakup, I kept reminding myself, the person
19:53
Speaker 1: that you are breaking up with or that's breaking up
19:55
Speaker 1: with you this heartbreak, that person didn't exist never, They
20:02
Speaker 1: never existed. Their true colors have come through. You were
20:06
Speaker 1: in love with someone who you thought existed. Okay, and yes,
20:10
Speaker 1: it's painful, but then it makes it a lot easier
20:13
Speaker 1: to be to be grieving the idea than to grieve
20:16
Speaker 1: the actual individual who's gone and fucked you over and
20:19
Speaker 1: then lied to you and then trying to get you
20:21
Speaker 1: back and lied to you. Because then when they're trying
20:23
Speaker 1: to get you back, you are. It's so much easier
20:25
Speaker 1: to see through the bullshit, Like you're a fucking You're
20:28
Speaker 1: an actor. You are an actor. And I will allow
20:32
Speaker 1: myself to have fallen in love with the idea that
20:35
Speaker 1: you sold to me because you sold it very well.
20:37
Speaker 1: Hats off to you. However, I'm not going to allow
20:41
Speaker 1: myself to be fooled now that I know that that's
20:44
Speaker 1: not who you are, Like I now know based on
20:46
Speaker 1: your behavior, based on your pattern of behavior. So there's
20:50
Speaker 1: been a consistent pattern. I don't know who you really are.
20:53
Speaker 1: And who you say you are versus who you are
20:56
Speaker 1: are different things. So I'm going to look at your
20:58
Speaker 1: actual actions. I'm going to look at how you carry yourself.
21:00
Speaker 1: I don't need to beg from you. I don't need
21:04
Speaker 1: to ask you to do things that all I need
21:05
Speaker 1: to do is watch, and how you carry yourself determines
21:09
Speaker 1: your character. Now I know your character. I was mistaken,
21:14
Speaker 1: I was fed something different. Now I've learned. Okay. So
21:19
Speaker 1: for me, I kept reminding myself. I kept saying, like
21:22
Speaker 1: you were in love with an idea of someone. You
21:24
Speaker 1: had an idea in your head, that's who you were
21:27
Speaker 1: in love with, But do you actually want to be
21:30
Speaker 1: with the reality? Really break it down? Is this who
21:34
Speaker 1: I want to be with? I want to be with
21:35
Speaker 1: who I thought they were, and that's fair enough because
21:37
Speaker 1: I thought they were a good person. Do I want
21:39
Speaker 1: to be with someone that I can't trust? Sleeping in
21:42
Speaker 1: the same bed with someone you can't trust as far
21:43
Speaker 1: as you can throw them, Like, that's fucked said this
21:46
Speaker 1: thousand times. I'd rather die alone with surrounded by dogs then,
21:50
Speaker 1: and by dogs, I mean like actual dogs, like habib
21:53
Speaker 1: then lie next to someone and sleep next to someone
21:57
Speaker 1: I don't trust. I can't think of any thing worse,
22:00
Speaker 1: and hopefully you can't think of it anything worse either,
22:03
Speaker 1: So I don't trust this person. They lie through their teeth.
22:07
Speaker 1: They then just they'd make up whatever just for their egos.
22:11
Speaker 1: So I go back with them because it builds up
22:13
Speaker 1: their sense of self and their ego. Because a narcissist
22:17
Speaker 1: cannot be dumped. They hate it. They're okay to dump
22:20
Speaker 1: if they see things that ending, they're okay to end it.
22:21
Speaker 1: But for you to dump a narcissist, oh my god,
22:23
Speaker 1: it's like, you know, it's an attack on their ego
22:26
Speaker 1: because they're not in power. Right. So what would happen
22:29
Speaker 1: with my ex the narcissist is that there were times
22:33
Speaker 1: where I was close to like there would be a
22:34
Speaker 1: big fight whatever, and then he'd lie and say all
22:37
Speaker 1: these things in the covert up. But then he'd have
22:39
Speaker 1: no problem pushing it to dump me or threatened to
22:42
Speaker 1: dump me. He'd no wish you didn't care about the relationship.
22:45
Speaker 1: He just didn't want to be the one that was dumped.
22:47
Speaker 1: So they're going to say whatever needs to be said.
22:49
Speaker 1: They're going to do whatever needs to be said just
22:50
Speaker 1: to regain control. Don't mistake that for love, because it's not. Okay,
22:56
Speaker 1: you've seen what you needed to see that quote, I've
22:59
Speaker 1: seen what I needed to say. What is it I've
23:06
Speaker 1: seen what I needed to see and the answer is no,
23:11
Speaker 1: So thank you, and then'd be grateful the next thing.
23:14
Speaker 1: So number one, it's not your fault for falling for it,
23:16
Speaker 1: because there are masters of deceit. Number two, remind yourself,
23:19
Speaker 1: I fell in love with the idea of who I
23:21
Speaker 1: thought they were, not the reality. Because now if I
23:23
Speaker 1: look at the reality, really, if I look at the reality,
23:26
Speaker 1: would I want to date them? If you can't answer
23:28
Speaker 1: that question because you're still so in love with them,
23:30
Speaker 1: then you say, would I want the person I love
23:33
Speaker 1: the most to date someone like this? And the answer
23:35
Speaker 1: is absolucolutely not. And then the last one is keep
23:38
Speaker 1: reminding yourself, thank you, thank you for actually showing me this.
23:44
Speaker 1: I'm better than that shit. I might not feel it
23:47
Speaker 1: right now, but I will feel it in a month,
23:49
Speaker 1: maybe six months, I will and I am better than that.
23:53
Speaker 1: If I think about who's the ideal person that would
23:56
Speaker 1: love me? If I think about like best case scenario
24:00
Speaker 1: for a relationship vision board stuff. This is far from
24:04
Speaker 1: what I would have in my mind as the perfect relationship. Now,
24:09
Speaker 1: relationships come with like their trials and tribulations. But lying, cheating,
24:14
Speaker 1: disrespect those three things, which is exactly what he's done.
24:17
Speaker 1: I'm not going to be on that list. So always
24:21
Speaker 1: bring it back to that. I remember when I would
24:24
Speaker 1: be in the debts of my heartbreak saying to myself,
24:26
Speaker 1: you know what, look at all the examples of love
24:29
Speaker 1: around you. Not one of those examples of love that
24:31
Speaker 1: you really look up to around you has ever been
24:33
Speaker 1: treated the other person or treated each other the way
24:35
Speaker 1: I've just been treated. So I need to snap the
24:37
Speaker 1: fuck out of it and realize what good representation of
24:40
Speaker 1: love is and what it isn't. And this is not okay.
24:43
Speaker 1: So you just need to You need to geer yourself up.
24:45
Speaker 1: You need to be your own hype girl. But you've
24:48
Speaker 1: got this, and yeah, remind yourself of those key points.
24:52
Speaker 1: All right.
24:52
Speaker 5: Next question, Hi, alexis I just want to surf by
24:58
Speaker 5: saying that I love your podcast and your no bullshit advice.
25:02
Speaker 5: So my predicament is that I live with a guy friend.
25:05
Speaker 5: I moved to a city a new city and he
25:08
Speaker 5: was one of the first friends I made. We quickly
25:11
Speaker 5: became really close. We ended up moving in together. But
25:15
Speaker 5: the way that we did meet is him hitting on
25:17
Speaker 5: me at first, and I told him upfront that I'm
25:20
Speaker 5: not looking for a relationship or anything sexual with anyone
25:22
Speaker 5: at this stage, and I'm just not into you that way.
25:26
Speaker 5: But I do really like you as a friend. So
25:29
Speaker 5: fast forward us to us living together. We've become really
25:33
Speaker 5: really close. I consider him a best friend. We do
25:35
Speaker 5: everything together, we shop together, cook together, go out together,
25:39
Speaker 5: and yeah, we're pretty much in a relationship minus the
25:43
Speaker 5: romance and sex, which I would just consider a really
25:45
Speaker 5: good friend. I've made it really clear to him on
25:48
Speaker 5: multiple occasions that I do not like him back, because
25:51
Speaker 5: he's made small comments here and there, and it's not
25:54
Speaker 5: progressed to the point that before going out one night,
25:58
Speaker 5: he did tell me that if I hoped up with
26:00
Speaker 5: anyone that he would be gutted. So now it's gotten
26:04
Speaker 5: to the point where I feel really guilty. I don't
26:06
Speaker 5: want to hurt him, but our relationship just he just
26:10
Speaker 5: feels really clingy, and it's starting to get to the
26:13
Speaker 5: point where I feel a little bit uncomfortable. So how
26:16
Speaker 5: do I maintain a friendship flash roommate relationship with someone
26:21
Speaker 5: who likes me? Thank you?
26:25
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's a really hard situation to be in, but
26:27
Speaker 1: it can't go on the way it's going on. This
26:29
Speaker 1: is ridiculous because you also don't want to be cock blocked,
26:32
Speaker 1: literally cock blocked from hooking up with who you want
26:35
Speaker 1: to hook up with. Just have your freedoms. You're romantic
26:38
Speaker 1: and all sexual freedoms which you are entitled to. This
26:42
Speaker 1: requires a conversation. Okay, it requires a conversation, and I
26:47
Speaker 1: the sooner the better, And I think that with not
26:52
Speaker 1: I think this is what you need to do. You
26:54
Speaker 1: need to sit him down, and you need to say
26:57
Speaker 1: I've sat on that comment that you said to me
26:59
Speaker 1: the other day or the other way or whatever about
27:01
Speaker 1: the fact that if I hooked up with someone you
27:02
Speaker 1: would be gutted, and I've mulled over it for a while.
27:06
Speaker 1: And this is my conclusion. This friendship means a lot
27:10
Speaker 1: to me. But I've made it very clear from the
27:12
Speaker 1: beginning how I feel about you, and a friendship is
27:16
Speaker 1: where you mutually love and respect each other. I understand
27:20
Speaker 1: that your feelings towards me are different to my feelings
27:22
Speaker 1: towards you because mine is not romantically inclined and yours are. However,
27:28
Speaker 1: if we're going to have a solid friendship, I've got
27:30
Speaker 1: to know that we mutually want the best for each other,
27:33
Speaker 1: and you wanting the best for me would mean that
27:36
Speaker 1: you wouldn't try and emotionally guilt trip me into not
27:41
Speaker 1: exploring any other romantic option for me. So I'm going
27:46
Speaker 1: to ask you to be dead honest. Will are you
27:51
Speaker 1: willing to work through that, maintain living together but not
27:57
Speaker 1: ever make a comment like that again and work with
28:00
Speaker 1: it in your own time or whatever? Is this possible
28:02
Speaker 1: for you, because I can guarantee you right now, if
28:05
Speaker 1: an opportunity comes up where I do want to hook
28:07
Speaker 1: up with someone that I want, I will take that
28:09
Speaker 1: opportunity because I don't want to resent you as a friend.
28:11
Speaker 1: That's just crazy. What are we? Is this a monastery?
28:14
Speaker 1: Am I a nun like? What am I looking at
28:17
Speaker 1: right now? So that's option one? Can you actually move
28:20
Speaker 1: past this and never make a comment like that again?
28:22
Speaker 1: Because that's not fair because I've been open with you
28:25
Speaker 1: about how I feel. You don't own my you know,
28:29
Speaker 1: my autonomy that I have my autonomy or number two,
28:33
Speaker 1: do you think it's best that we move out, that
28:36
Speaker 1: we don't live together. So your options are find a
28:38
Speaker 1: way of dealing with it if you think you can,
28:41
Speaker 1: or we move out. We maintain the friendship, but we're
28:44
Speaker 1: in too close proximity because one thing that I'm not
28:46
Speaker 1: going to sacrifice is my autonomy. So sit with it,
28:51
Speaker 1: think about it. Know that I love you as a friend,
28:55
Speaker 1: but I'm also willing to step away from this friendship
28:59
Speaker 1: temporarily if it means letting you get over me. And
29:03
Speaker 1: you know this situation, because I also don't want to
29:06
Speaker 1: selfishly say, oh but I want the exact friendship that
29:09
Speaker 1: we've got while you suffer and then do everything else.
29:13
Speaker 1: You also have to acknowledge that part of him getting
29:16
Speaker 1: over you could entail him needing to move out, him realizing,
29:22
Speaker 1: you know what, it's never gonna happen. I need to
29:24
Speaker 1: not be living with her. Maybe he's holding on to
29:28
Speaker 1: way too much hope. So give him that opportunity and
29:31
Speaker 1: he doesn't and say, you don't have to answer me
29:33
Speaker 1: right now, take a day or two. Also, don't ignore
29:37
Speaker 1: this conversation. But I also want to give you the
29:42
Speaker 1: grace because I respect you as a friend that if
29:44
Speaker 1: you need time apart, and if that means we need
29:47
Speaker 1: to move out in order to save this relationship long term,
29:50
Speaker 1: then I will facilitate that, because I think it would
29:54
Speaker 1: be selfish of me to say, let's keep everything the
29:57
Speaker 1: way it is. I want, like all all the comforts
30:01
Speaker 1: of our friendship, but I'm also going to be bringing
30:03
Speaker 1: people back and hooking up in front of you. Als,
30:05
Speaker 1: so don't want to hurt you. I need to, as
30:07
Speaker 1: a friend meet you in the middle and think, Okay,
30:10
Speaker 1: how can I also help you because I care for
30:12
Speaker 1: you as a friend, all right. I personally actually went
30:15
Speaker 1: through something. I wasn't living with a person. But I
30:19
Speaker 1: had a very close friend. This is in my twenties,
30:22
Speaker 1: and I loved hanging out with him. You have no
30:24
Speaker 1: idea like absolute vibes. He got along with my whole family,
30:27
Speaker 1: loved it. He was in love with me. I just couldn't.
30:30
Speaker 1: And do you know what, I would sit there and think,
30:33
Speaker 1: just like the caunt, like just just try, because if
30:36
Speaker 1: it worked with him, it's just seamless. All our friends
30:39
Speaker 1: get along the fan it's just one plus one equals two,
30:43
Speaker 1: like just but I couldn't I just didn't feel that
30:45
Speaker 1: way about him, respected him, loved him as a friend,
30:48
Speaker 1: all of that. And one day I said to him,
30:52
Speaker 1: I'm like, you know what, this is just getting so complicated,
30:57
Speaker 1: and I'm heartbroken to do this, but I think we
31:00
Speaker 1: need months apart of just like only hanging out in
31:05
Speaker 1: a group setting, not initiating hanging out. And then we
31:08
Speaker 1: did that, and for six months roughly, I really tried
31:14
Speaker 1: to just step back in that friendship and like, not
31:17
Speaker 1: initiate hangouts, not whatever. And then after about six months,
31:21
Speaker 1: he got a girlfriend and then he was madly in
31:22
Speaker 1: love with her, and I was like, this is amazing.
31:25
Speaker 1: We never were as close as friends ever, and I
31:28
Speaker 1: think part of that closeness was because he was in
31:30
Speaker 1: love with me. To be dead honest with you, part
31:32
Speaker 1: of that, the level of detail and attention that he
31:35
Speaker 1: gave to me was because he was in love with me.
31:37
Speaker 1: Not saying that you can't get that from another friendship,
31:38
Speaker 1: but I think that's what it was. So then when
31:40
Speaker 1: he got that girlfriend, we then were able to resume
31:42
Speaker 1: our friendship, but it was never as close, but we
31:45
Speaker 1: got there, but we got there, and he's still a
31:48
Speaker 1: friend of mine. So sometimes sacrifices have to be made,
31:53
Speaker 1: is what I'm trying to say. But this conversation has
31:56
Speaker 1: to go down, and has to go down soon. The
31:57
Speaker 1: sooner the better for two reasons. One because it's close
32:00
Speaker 1: to when he made that comment to you, and two
32:02
Speaker 1: because you also don't want to be in this trap
32:04
Speaker 1: of like what the fuck am I going to do?
32:05
Speaker 1: You need your freedoms and you you also want to
32:07
Speaker 1: be able to share with your friends like, oh my
32:09
Speaker 1: god shagged this person last night. This is how it
32:12
Speaker 1: went down. You don't want to be You don't want
32:14
Speaker 1: to be like I can tell all my other friends,
32:15
Speaker 1: but I can't tell him. I've got to protect him
32:16
Speaker 1: from this information. You don't want to baby him through
32:19
Speaker 1: this either. Awesome questions, Love the questions guys, Thank you
32:25
Speaker 1: so much for writing in. Obsessed with you all, with
32:28
Speaker 1: your questions, with everything that is all for today's episode.
32:33
Speaker 1: If you want to send in your questions, please send
32:35
Speaker 1: the voicemail in you go to dewifempod dot com and
32:40
Speaker 1: on the website there's a like a thing to send
32:42
Speaker 1: in your voice notes or alternatively email info at dewifeimpod
32:47
Speaker 1: dot com. Your question will read it out because I
32:50
Speaker 1: alternate emails and voicemails. Amazing. That's all for today. I
32:54
Speaker 1: love you guys so much. As you're listening to this,
32:57
Speaker 1: it's probably we're probably during the live show. To us,
32:59
Speaker 1: I'm probably meeting a whole bunch of you as we speak,
33:02
Speaker 1: and I'm probably absolutely thriving and loving it. As always,
33:06
Speaker 1: remember be can't to yourself, be can't your brain. Don't
33:08
Speaker 1: take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit from yourself. Okay,