Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 160: Why Staying Silent Is the Most Dishonest Thing You Can Do

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160: Why Staying Silent Is the Most Dishonest Thing You Can Do · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:20
  Setting boundaries isn't about being selfish, it's about being honest.
• 0:25
  I mean, really think about it.
• 0:26
  When you're trying to avoid the discomfort of stating a boundary by remaining silent, you're actually communicating to the other person that something is okay with you.
• 0:34
  That's not okay.
• 0:35
  I.
• 0:36
  And that's dishonest.
• 0:38
  So today we're going to explore how to live more honestly and more authentically while stating boundaries in kind and clear ways.
• 0:45
  So first I wanna share with you three reasons why people really struggle to state boundaries.
• 0:49
  First is a fear of rejection or abandonment.
• 0:52
  We worry that speaking up will push people away and then we, they'll end up being alone.
• 0:56
  The subconscious belief here is that if I just make myself easier to be around, if I make myself more accommodating, more forgiving, if I make myself less me and more who they want me to be, if I just do what it is that they want me to do, then maybe they'll stay and I won't be alone.
• 1:13
  So if this is you, if you're thinking thoughts like this, then soon you might find yourself feeling burned out or even resentful as you keep giving and giving and giving, hoping for reciprocation or consideration, and that reciprocation or consideration, it may or may not come.
• 1:29
  The other issue with this is that you're not being authentically you in that relationship if you're just accommodating other people and not letting'em know what your needs are.
• 1:37
  That means that you have to keep pretending to be someone else in order to remain in that relationship, which really puts a lot of stress on the nervous system as well as your own self-esteem.
• 1:47
  The second reason people struggle with boundary setting is a fear of conflict or discomfort.
• 1:52
  Boundaries can stir the pot, right?
• 1:55
  They kind of can be a little upsetting for some people, it can be a little bit uncomfortable and so many highly sensitive people because it can feel uncomfortable to bring it up, Then in order to avoid conflict altogether, then they just remain silent.
• 2:07
  It feels safer for them to remain silent than to possibly rock the boat.
• 2:12
  They have this belief that it is better to tolerate discomfort than to cause it, but when we do that, we're sacrificing our own comfort for someone else's comfort.
• 2:22
  Because when you're constantly neglecting your own boundaries, then you are leading the other person to believe that something is okay with you that is not.
• 2:29
  So it's really not their fault that you're continuing to feel the weight and the pressure of not having your own wants and needs met because you've essentially communicated to them through your silence that this is okay with you, that this is working for you.
• 2:44
  You can choose either long-term peace or short-term peace.
• 2:47
  So yes, you may experience a little bit of short-term peace by remaining silent, but you're doing so at the cost of your own long-term peace.
• 2:57
  The third reason why people don't state boundaries is because of internalized guilt or shame.
• 3:02
  Many have been conditioned to believe that putting themselves first is selfish.
• 3:05
  They have the belief that good people always sacrifice for others.
• 3:09
  So they give and they give and they give, but without something coming back in, then this is a path towards resentment, which usually either leads to a big blow up.
• 3:18
  Right.
• 3:18
  That big thing that you've been trying desperately to avoid is a big blow up, which is what you usually think that stating a boundary's gonna do is the other person's just going to explode, or it's going to lead to silence, which leads to isolation.
• 3:31
  And then again, that's something else that you've been desperately trying to avoid, and that's why you haven't been stating your boundary.
• 3:36
  But it may be creating that very thing.
• 3:38
  So to be clear, boundary setting isn't mean or selfish, but it's one of the purest forms of honesty, respect, and even love that you can offer to both yourself and those that you're in relationship with.
• 3:51
  So let me share quickly just three stories to illustrate the pain that can come from not stating boundaries as well as some possible solutions.
• 3:58
  First, we're gonna talk about Emily, the over committed friend.
• 4:02
  So, Emily hated disappointing people, and because of this, whenever friends ask a favor of her be it babysitting, volunteering, helping with moves, play dates, airport rides, she would say yes even if she was exhausted or otherwise busy.
• 4:17
  She believed that saying no would make her seem selfish or rude.
• 4:22
  So instead she overextended, she rearranged her schedule.
• 4:26
  She reprioritized her priorities and was essentially prioritizing somebody else's priorities in an attempt to remain in relationship with them.
• 4:35
  She sacrificed her sleep and other things that would bring her balance and help her to show up as her best self, both in and out of this relationship.
• 4:42
  Right?
• 4:43
  This impacts all aspects of life in relationship, at work, in parenting, wherever it is, it impacts everything when we're experiencing that resentment and that burnout.
• 4:52
  So eventually burnout did set in for Emily and she was starting to experience that very resentment.
• 4:57
  And when this happened, she withdrew from her friendships.
• 5:01
  She was feeling used and unseen and just quietly pulled back.
• 5:05
  And that's what usually happens is we're wanting so desperately to be seen.
• 5:09
  We want to be seen for our kindness.
• 5:11
  We want to be seen for our investment, but we are not seeing our own need for rest and reciprocation, which means in an effort to be seen by others, we're intentionally blind to ourselves.
• 5:24
  And how can other people see us if we're unwilling to do so ourselves?
• 5:30
  Because Emily didn't say no when she needed to.
• 5:32
  It created resentment, pure exhaustion, and a disconnect from friendships that she once valued in her mind withdrawing and not investing into the relationship.
• 5:42
  Then that actually felt safer than stating a boundary But then exactly what she feared would happen did happen, and she found herself alone.
• 5:52
  So what's something that Emily could have said instead?
• 5:54
  She might have said something like, Hey, I care about you and I wanna support you when I can, but right now I'm at capacity and I need to honor my own limits.
• 6:02
  I hope you'll understand.
• 6:04
  Now I want you to think about it.
• 6:05
  If a friend said that to you, you would probably totally understand, right?
• 6:09
  It's kind, it's clear, and it's honest and honoring of where they're currently at and what it is that the friend needs.
• 6:17
  And while it can be uncomfortable when boundaries are new to you, learning to state them will make the relationship more sustainable for both of you.
• 6:25
  So in short, saying no with kindness preserves relationships longer than saying yes through gritted teeth will.
• 6:34
  All right.
• 6:34
  Story number two is about Marcus, the silent partner.
• 6:37
  Marcus was in a relationship where his partner often made major decisions without asking for his opinion, his partner agreed to go to parties together and events without consulting him.
• 6:47
  And through it all, Marcus remained silent because he didn't want to appear to be controlling in the relationship.
• 6:54
  Over time, however, then he started to feel invisible and like his time, energy, schedule and preferences didn't matter.
• 7:01
  And this ultimately led to a loss of self-expression and self-identity in that relationship.
• 7:07
  When we're not speaking up, we're losing ourselves.
• 7:10
  Right?
• 7:10
  We're not honoring and acknowledging ourselves and it's easy to get lost.
• 7:14
  So essentially, Marcus had become a partner who just went along with everything.
• 7:17
  He was being and doing everything that his partner wanted, but never expressing what it was that he wanted.
• 7:22
  And this created growing resentment and emotional distance in that relationship.
• 7:28
  Ironically, while he didn't want to be seen as controlling in the relationship, he was essentially giving his partner all of the control and then resenting them for it later.
• 7:37
  So if Marcus wanted to state a boundary, it might sound something like this,"Hey, I love being your partner.
• 7:43
  And I also value feeling like we're making decisions together.
• 7:47
  It's important to me to have a voice and a choice in our relationship around the things that affect both of us.
• 7:54
  Now, I know that traditionally I've gone along with what it was that you had planned for us, but moving forward, I would like to be consulted before you make plans.
• 8:01
  So will you please consult with me before you make arrangements?
• 8:05
  And if I'm able to attend, I would love to attend.
• 8:08
  But if I have other plans, I'm probably gonna stick with the other plans, not because I wanna disappoint you, but because I really wanna minimize any resentments in relationship." It's clear, it's kind, and by asking, he's giving his partner an opportunity to show up for him as well.
• 8:25
  Honest communication about your needs is a form of connection, not control.
• 8:31
  All right.
• 8:31
  Now let's talk about Sarah, the burned out employee.
• 8:34
  Sarah's boss frequently asked her to stay late or take on extra work, and she never pushed back because she wanted to appear to be dependable and hardworking.
• 8:43
  But inside she was overwhelmed and anxious.
• 8:46
  She could see that the workload was being disproportionately assigned amongst all the employees, and she was definitely carrying the lion's share of the work, while other people are free to leave at their usual time.
• 8:58
  She felt trapped in a role that kept asking more and more and more of her, and eventually she felt so burned out.
• 9:04
  She quit.
• 9:06
  She was feeling burned out and struggling to enjoy a job that she once loved.
• 9:11
  She was also experiencing deep feelings of regret for not speaking up sooner.
• 9:15
  She knew deep down the reason why she was being handed more work was because she never said no.
• 9:19
  And she also knew deep down that if she didn't learn how to state a boundary, then this pattern would likely repeat in her new job.
• 9:27
  So what might Sarah say?
• 9:29
  Maybe she could say something like,"Hey, I want you to know that I'm committed to doing great work during my scheduled hours.
• 9:35
  And also I need to find a better work-life balance in order to continue showing up as my best self and doing my best work.
• 9:42
  And because of that, I won't be able to stay late moving forwards." The honest truth is that it doesn't serve her or her employer for her to continue to burn herself out.
• 9:54
  It's a kindness for everybody involved for her to speak up.
• 9:58
  Protecting your energy isn't selfish, but it's what allows you to sustain your levels of success long-term moving forward.
• 10:05
  So I want you to really remember three things from this episode.
• 10:08
  First, remember that saying nothing when something matters to you is not only dishonest, but it creates resentment.
• 10:15
  Number two, people can't honor needs that they don't know exist.
• 10:19
  So speak up and give them a chance to show up for you.
• 10:23
  Number three, long-term disconnection and burnout often starts with short-term silence.
• 10:29
  If you value this relationship, speak up.
• 10:33
  Now let's talk for just another minute about the honesty piece here.
• 10:37
  When you're able to really think about boundary setting as a practice.
• 10:40
  In honesty, it tends to soften the edges a little bit.
• 10:43
  Many people are so worried that they're going to be seen as hard, stubborn, greedy or selfish if they state a boundary.
• 10:50
  But being honest about your boundaries is an exercise inauthentic connection.
• 10:55
  Boundary setting requires that you have vulnerability, self-awareness, love and compassion in relationship, and that benefits both of you.
• 11:04
  So before we go, I want you to really think about a relationship where you've maybe been experiencing some of that resentment or that burnout.
• 11:10
  I'm gonna be sharing seven loving ways to state a boundary with honest integrity, and as I do so, I want you to think about those relationships.
• 11:16
  And see if one of these phrases might be helpful for you or if there's something else that you wanna tweak it.
• 11:21
  If you're feeling inspired as to how it is that you might state a boundary, just kind of really apply this to your personal life.
• 11:27
  So, okay, so here's seven phrases that might be helpful: I care about you, and because I care about you, I feel it's important to let you know what it is that I need in order to stay connected.
• 11:38
  I'm not available for that, but thank you for understanding.
• 11:42
  This doesn't feel good to me.
• 11:44
  Can we find another way to make this happen?
• 11:47
  I know that I said it was gonna be no big deal for me to do this for you regularly, but things have changed.
• 11:53
  Can we find a frequency that works better for both of us?
• 11:57
  I want to show up more fully in all of my relationships, and to do that, I need to say no to this one thing.
• 12:02
  I hope you understand.
• 12:04
  When I'm left to shoulder the load, it impacts me in ways that you might not see.
• 12:08
  Here's what it is that I need instead.
• 12:12
  This is hard for me to say because I value our relationship.
• 12:16
  I'm going to need more notice if you'd like me to accommodate you in the future, I respect your time and mine, and having a bit more notice helps me to accomplish my own tasks while also accommodating you.
• 12:28
  Now notice that all of these are clear.
• 12:29
  They're kind, they're honest and honoring of where it is that you're currently at.
• 12:34
  So the next time that you're tempted to remain silent, to keep the peace, ask yourself, am I creating true peace or just temporary comfort that's gonna cost me later?
• 12:45
  Boundaries are an act of honesty.
• 12:46
  And honesty builds trust, first with yourself, and then with other people as well.
• 12:51
  Boundaries, honor both your truth and the relationship, and sometimes honesty means it's time to end the relationship or that something needs to change, and I hope you're brave enough to really let the other person know when that needs to happen.
• 13:04
  Honor that for yourself, that sometimes boundaries mean that something needs to change or something needs to end.
• 13:12
  When you choose honesty over comfort, then you're able to build a life rooted in real love, real respect, and real connection.
• 13:20
  So your challenge for this week is to identify one area where you have been silent and practice using one of those loving boundary phrases this week.
• 13:28
  And if you discover that you need a little bit more support around this, if one podcast episode is not enough support for you, come and work with me, I would love to work with you and I'm here to help.
• 13:38
  So you can send me a message down in the email in my show notes, or you can find me on social media.
• 13:43
  I am on Instagram, Facebook, TikTok.
• 13:45
  You can find me at Marianne Walker.
• 13:46
  Life is my handle on all those platforms, so come and find me there.
• 13:49
  I would love to connect with you on my other platforms as well.
• 13:52
  You are worthy of the peace that comes through boundary setting and you've got this, so I hope you have a great week and let's talk soon.
• 13:59
  Bye now.
• 14:00
  Bye.