Latest / Mic Drop Comedy / Jon Stewart Shares Trumpy Graduation Tips _ Ronny Chieng Covers J6er _Slush Fund_ _ The Daily Show

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Jon Stewart Shares Trumpy Graduation Tips _ Ronny Chieng Covers J6er _Slush Fund_ _ The Daily Show · Mic Drop Comedy

• 0:04
  Speaker 1: Daddy's back home. He's gone for a couple days in China.
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: We were scared. Oh, where's Daddy? I'm so scared. Where's Daddy?
• 0:14
  Speaker 2: But now he's home, and I'm sure he brought us
• 0:18
  Speaker 2: all the goodies from China. Because as we all know, nobody,
• 0:23
  Speaker 2: and I mean nobody, is tougher on China.
• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Rhymes with vagina. than Donald J. Trump.
• 0:35
  Speaker 3: The only way you're gonna get along well with China
• 0:38
  Speaker 3: is you have to deal from a position of strength.
• 0:40
  Speaker 3: I stood up to China like no administration has ever
• 0:42
  Speaker 3: done before. Nobody was tougher, like, on China than I was.
• 0:46
  Speaker 3: I'm the toughest person in China anywhere in the world.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: There's never been anybody tougher in China than me. He's
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: like a bull in a China shop!
• 0:55
  Speaker 4: Or.
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: Obviously, as they call it over there, a shop. I'll
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: let myself out. That's all right. But all right, let's
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: see some of that famous toughness in action. Let him
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: have it!
• 1:14
  Speaker 3: I want to thank President Xi, my friend.
• 1:17
  Speaker 5: He's a man I respect greatly.
• 1:19
  Speaker 1: The relationship is a very strong one. You're a great leader.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: I say it to everybody. You're a great leader.
• 1:25
  Speaker 3: Sometimes people don't like me saying it, but I say
• 1:27
  Speaker 3: it anyway because it's true.
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: I only say the truth. Yeah, take that! President Xi.
• 1:37
  Speaker 2: He's the only leader with balls to come to your
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: house and say right to your face.
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: Who's better than you? No one. And you know what?
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: Trump's going to say something right now. Xi, you don't
• 1:52
  Speaker 1: even have to say it back to.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: Him.
• 1:57
  Speaker 1: You know what? That's OK. There's a lot of ways
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: to negotiate. Sometimes you get more flies with honey. So
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: what did you get? Mr.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: President, trade barriers down, help with Iran, some of them
• 2:08
  Speaker 2: delicious rare earth metals. What's the most significant, specific thing
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: you walk away from here for the U.S.
• 2:16
  Speaker 1: I think the most important thing is relationship. It's all
• 2:20
  Speaker 1: about relationship. So nothing. You got nothing! You flew to Chi...
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: What is it? 400 million miles? I don't know how
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: far it is. It's far!
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: You flew there to personally confront our rival superpower on
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: the escalating trade and geopolitical tensions between us, and all
• 2:51
  Speaker 2: you came.
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: Back with was his Instagram? The tariffs are in place,
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: but we're on the close friend story now. Well, he's
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: on mine. Was there any positive movement?
• 3:06
  Speaker 5: He said the U.S. was declining for the last four years.
• 3:10
  Speaker 5: And he said what President Trump has done in the
• 3:14
  Speaker 5: last 15, 16 months has been virtually a miracle. He
• 3:19
  Speaker 5: said we have the hottest, he said we have the
• 3:21
  Speaker 5: hottest country.
• 3:22
  Speaker 4: Anywhere in the world.
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah, that's what she said. No, I'm asking, is that
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: what Xi said?
• 3:39
  Speaker 2: Because that quote sounds really a lot like you. President
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: Xi actually took you aside, Donald Trump, and said, actually said,
• 3:50
  Speaker 2: President Xi said, you have the hottest country like no
• 3:55
  Speaker 2: one has ever seen before.
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: You only need a ballroom, that's all you need.
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: Was there at least any information about Xi that you
• 4:09
  Speaker 2: gleaned being over there that the United States might be
• 4:13
  Speaker 2: able to exploit in future negotiations?
• 4:17
  Speaker 3: If you went to Hollywood and you looked for a
• 4:19
  Speaker 3: leader of China, you couldn't find.
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: A guy like him.
• 4:22
  Speaker 3: He's tall, very tall, and especially for this country because
• 4:28
  Speaker 3: they tend to be a little bit shorter.
• 4:47
  Speaker 2: What the f * * * is he talking about?
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: You come back with like, this guy, he's like... I mean,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: you're Chinese, you think... But this guy....
• 5:03
  Speaker 2: So apparently, when you came back with this, President Xi
• 5:06
  Speaker 2: is apparently taller than what a 79-year-old white guy's idea
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: of what a Chinese person's height should be. Listen, it's
• 5:17
  Speaker 2: probably as good as we can expect from Trump. And
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: Xi's eyes are definitely wider than I thought they'd be.
• 5:25
  Speaker 6: Usually, can I do the eyes to show them? Is
• 5:31
  Speaker 6: it okay if I do the eyes? And there was
• 5:34
  Speaker 6: no pee-pee in.
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: My Coke, contrary to what I've been told? What are
• 5:42
  Speaker 1: we doing?
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: You might be watching this and wondering, how the is
• 5:48
  Speaker 2: this guy our president?
• 5:51
  Speaker 4: How?
• 6:00
  Speaker 2: He should not have this job, and yet he does.
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: Maybe I've got it wrong.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: Maybe it's time to stop being exasperated by this, by Trump.
• 6:17
  Speaker 2: And maybe it's time to see if we can glean
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: lessons from Trump's rise. Look, folks, it's May. And we
• 6:24
  Speaker 2: were even getting questions about it today from young people.
• 6:27
  Speaker 2: It's graduation season. Thousands of graduates are going into the
• 6:32
  Speaker 2: world to interview for their dream job. And maybe the
• 6:36
  Speaker 2: advice that we've been giving them all along about honesty
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: and hard work and all that other gay shit.
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: Is completely wrong.
• 6:53
  Speaker 2: Maybe we should all be students at Donald Trump University,
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: which obviously you can't be because it was a fraud
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: and got shut down. But metaphorically, and so that's what
• 7:05
  Speaker 2: we're going to do tonight. Class of 2026, everybody gather
• 7:11
  Speaker 2: around the, whatever it is you watch, your phone, brain chip,
• 7:17
  Speaker 2: smart fridge, however you're watching this. We're going to walk
• 7:22
  Speaker 2: you through what you really need to do to nail
• 7:25
  Speaker 2: that important job interview the Donald Trump way.
• 7:29
  Speaker 1: We'll start at the very beginning. Young grad, you walk
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: into the room, and what have we always told you
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: to do? Eye contact, firm handshake, settle in. But that's
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: what losers do.
• 7:41
  Speaker 2: What you want to do is set the terms of
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: the battle in the interview.
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: I will take your f * * * ing hand!
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Give me your f * * * ing hand! Give
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: it to me! It is now my bow! I want
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: your hand! Give me your f * * * ing hand!
• 8:08
  Speaker 2: Your prospective employer must know you are the captain now.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: And if you come out of that interview with a
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: hand that looks.
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: Any less grotesque than this one, you did it wrong.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: Don't look away. Look at it.
• 8:27
  Speaker 2: That is a hand that won the interview.
• 8:33
  Speaker 1: How did the interview go, son? My beautiful hair.
• 8:41
  Speaker 4: All right.
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: So now, we're in the room.
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: Now, we're going to let the interview begin. We'll role
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: play this out. Why do you think you're a good
• 8:54
  Speaker 2: fit for our firm?
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: You know, I went to great schools. I'm like a
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: smart person.
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: I guarantee my IQ is much higher than any of
• 9:01
  Speaker 3: these people.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I'm good at language. I've always been good at money.
• 9:04
  Speaker 3: I guarantee I have a vocabulary better than all of them.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I know words, I have the best words.
• 9:10
  Speaker 3: I have a very fertile, very fertile brain.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: That's how you do it, graduates. I cannot stress this enough.
• 9:22
  Speaker 2: Make your answer cocky and super weird. These other people
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: might be good, but I have words and a fertile brain.
• 9:32
  Speaker 1: Brain can get pregnant. Pregnant brain. Pregnant brain make more brain.
• 9:39
  Speaker 1: Lots of brain.
• 9:40
  Speaker 2: Now, the next thing the interviewer is going to say
• 9:47
  Speaker 2: to you is, why do you want.
• 9:49
  Speaker 1: To work here?
• 9:50
  Speaker 2: And the right answer is, I didn't need this job.
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: I had a very nice life. I think I would
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: have been a good general. My mother, she said, son,
• 9:59
  Speaker 1: you can be a professional baseball player. I could have
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: been a flutist. I could have been sunbathing on the beach.
• 10:06
  Speaker 3: You have never seen a body so beautiful.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: Yes, any firm would be lucky to grab such a
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: talented athlete, flutist, nudist.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: But see, now the interviewer's on the back foot. They
• 10:39
  Speaker 1: got all their.
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: Stupid, pre-planned bullshit questions that everybody's supposed to have a
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: pro forma response to, and you just get to knock
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: them down one after the other.
• 10:48
  Speaker 1: Oh, tell us about one of your weaknesses. Yeah, I
• 10:51
  Speaker 1: have weaknesses.
• 10:52
  Speaker 3: I really believe I have weaknesses, but it's something I
• 10:54
  Speaker 3: don't like discussing because I don't want to give it up.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: That's the stuff in the interview. What are your weaknesses?
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: I don't know. Hire me, and you'll find out. I
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: got a lot of them. I'm reckless. I make decisions
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: on impulse. I do very little planning. I'm corrupt as
• 11:11
  Speaker 1: a mother.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: But that's going to be my little secret until I
• 11:16
  Speaker 2: get this job. Oh, here's one of my weaknesses. I
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: make all the women in the office incredibly uncomfortable.
• 11:24
  Speaker 3: It's that face, it's that brain, it's those lips, the
• 11:27
  Speaker 3: way they move.
• 11:28
  Speaker 1: They move like she's a machine gun. There she is.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: You don't mind being called beautiful, right?
• 11:33
  Speaker 3: Because you are.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: You are beautiful.
• 11:35
  Speaker 5: I'm not allowed to say that to myself anyway.
• 11:42
  Speaker 1: That's not going to be a problem in the office,
• 11:43
  Speaker 1: is it?
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: Oh, and by the way, it's not enough for the
• 11:47
  Speaker 2: job interviewer to ask about weaknesses.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: Oh, they also want.
• 11:50
  Speaker 2: To know, tell us about a time you struggled. Now,
• 11:53
  Speaker 2: you've been taught, graduates, that they're expecting humility to prostrate
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: yourself on a life lesson you learned.
• 11:59
  Speaker 1: But that's for losers.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: The Trump strategy is to remind the interviewer that they
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: would kill to have the kind of obstacles you had.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: It has not been easy for me. And, you know,
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: small loan of a million dollars. You poor bastard.
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: He had to start off in Brooklyn, an outer borough
• 12:22
  Speaker 2: with only a small loan.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: I mean, if you look at the check, honestly, it's
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: mostly zeros. Now, great.
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: Now you've made it through the interviewer's psychological probing, meant
• 12:36
  Speaker 2: to reveal your introspective and self-critical side, and you've.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: Given them f * * * ing nothing. Well done.
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: But these bastards aren't done. They think.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: A little playful hobby question might be the way to
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: unlock a new grad's real self, who they really are.
• 12:53
  Speaker 2: Something stupid like, oh, what's your favorite book?
• 12:56
  Speaker 1: But you got this. The Bible is the best. One
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: of the great books. Boom! Perfect.
• 13:05
  Speaker 2: Now, those interview coaching firms or your school's career offices
• 13:08
  Speaker 2: or your parents or responsible friends are going to probably
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: advise you to have read whatever book you mention as
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: your favorite. Winners don't have that kind of time. And
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: what are the odds that they'll ask a follow-up anyway?
• 13:25
  Speaker 7: I'm wondering what one or two of your most favored
• 13:28
  Speaker 7: Bible verses are and why.
• 13:30
  Speaker 1: I wouldn't want to get into it because to me
• 13:31
  Speaker 1: that's very personal. You know, when I talk about the Bible,
• 13:34
  Speaker 1: it's very personal. So I don't want to get into verses.
• 13:36
  Speaker 1: I don't want to get into it.
• 13:37
  Speaker 4: There's no verse that means a lot to you that
• 13:38
  Speaker 4: you think about or cite?
• 13:40
  Speaker 3: The Bible means a lot to me, but I don't
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: want to get into specifics.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: Even to cite a verse that you like? No, I
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: don't want to do that.
• 13:49
  Speaker 2: Yes, people who love the Bible famously hate sharing their
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: favorite parts.
• 13:56
  Speaker 1: It's all in the... Like to keep it on the.
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: I think we've all seen this guy at the baseball games.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: So by now it's pretty clear you're lying. Keep it going.
• 14:17
  Speaker 1: Old Testament guy or New Testament guy? Probably equal. New Testament,
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: Old Testament. I'm a Jew for Jesus. I don't care.
• 14:33
  Speaker 4: I'm equal.
• 14:35
  Speaker 2: Now, you as the interviewee have been very patient in
• 14:38
  Speaker 2: this interview with your prospective employers' questions. Conventional wisdom would say,
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: if you want to get that job, you got to
• 14:46
  Speaker 2: keep it that way. Calm, cool, answering questions to the
• 14:50
  Speaker 2: best of your ability. But that just encourages them to
• 14:53
  Speaker 2: continue this nonsense. Now it's time to let them know
• 14:56
  Speaker 2: that just because it is literally their job to ask
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: you questions doesn't mean they can ask you questions.
• 15:04
  Speaker 1: What a stupid question that is.
• 15:05
  Speaker 5: It's such a stupid question you ask.
• 15:08
  Speaker 3: And you're just asking questions because you're a stupid person.
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: Don't ever say what you said. That's a nasty question.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: Why do you give me a horrible question?
• 15:15
  Speaker 2: It's not the question that I mind.
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: It's your attitude. Only a bad person would ask a
• 15:20
  Speaker 1: question like that. I don't know who you are, but
• 15:22
  Speaker 1: only a very... An evil person would ask a question
• 15:25
  Speaker 1: like that. So for you.
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: Graduates, I know that this advice and behaving in the
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: way you just witnessed seems counterintuitive.
• 15:37
  Speaker 1: Why would I alienate.
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: The very people that I'm appealing to, who are just
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: doing their job and asking reasonable questions?
• 15:44
  Speaker 1: And my answer to that is, I totally.
• 15:47
  Speaker 1: I don't know why this works. I don't f *
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: * * ing get it. But here we are. And
• 15:53
  Speaker 1: here he is. And he's the president. And I'm on
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: basic cable. I don't understand. This doesn't make.
• 16:02
  Speaker 4: I don't... How.
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: What is happening? So the point is, it doesn't make sense.
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: Just f * * * ing do it.
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: Look, chances are at this point, once you hit him
• 16:14
  Speaker 2: with the, that's a stupid question and you're evil, the
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: interview is over.
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Because you've aced it.
• 16:24
  Speaker 2: But you might not have quite sealed the deal. Remember,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: we're in modern times. They're going to check your social
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: media profile. And chances are, you probably have some questionable
• 16:32
  Speaker 2: ones in there like, best wishes to the haters and
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: losers on 9-11.
• 16:38
  Speaker 1: Or, hey, I might be Jesus.
• 16:49
  Speaker 2: It still freaks me out to see.
• 16:55
  Speaker 1: Can I?
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: The thing that bothers me the most about this picture,
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: I know it's AI generated. I know he's not Jesus,
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: and I know I'm not really the guy in the bed.
• 17:10
  Speaker 1: But here's what, so apparently if.
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: You plug into AI, Trump heals sick elderly man.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: My picture.
• 17:21
  Speaker 2: Is what artificial intelligence thinks is dying old man.
• 17:28
  Speaker 1: That can't be good. Sorry. Back to the task at hand.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: Most of the literati will tell you, oh, try and
• 17:39
  Speaker 2: have a good, cogent, believable reason for questionable posts that
• 17:43
  Speaker 2: you made on social media.
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: Wrong. Mr.
• 17:46
  Speaker 9: President, did you post that picture of yourself depicted as
• 17:50
  Speaker 9: Jesus Christ?
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: Well, it wasn't a picture. It was me.
• 17:53
  Speaker 3: I did post it, and I thought it was me
• 17:55
  Speaker 3: as the doctor.
• 17:58
  Speaker 2: Because apparently, even though the Bible is Trump's favorite book,
• 18:04
  Speaker 2: he doesn't know the difference between Robbie Rabinovich and Jesus. Wow.
• 18:12
  Speaker 1: Unbelievable. So....
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: You have done everything wrong so far as a recent graduate,
• 18:19
  Speaker 2: and it's looking great. The only thing really left to
• 18:22
  Speaker 2: do for the interviewer is to get you to list
• 18:25
  Speaker 2: some references.
• 18:27
  Speaker 3: John Kelly is one of the best people I've ever
• 18:31
  Speaker 3: worked with.
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: When you ask me about Rex, I mean, he's a
• 18:33
  Speaker 1: world-class player.
• 18:33
  Speaker 4: Bill Barr, a terrific person, a brilliant man.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Great. Thanks for that. Now all we have to do
• 18:40
  Speaker 1: is check those references. He is a consummate narcissist. So
• 18:45
  Speaker 1: he certainly falls into the general definition of a fascist.
• 18:50
  Speaker 4: Secretary of State Rex Tillerson calling Trump a, quote, effing moron.
• 18:55
  Speaker 1: Nailed it! Nailed it!
• 19:00
  Speaker 8: Well done.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Good call. So great job in the interview.
• 19:07
  Speaker 2: So far, you've been arrogant, self-centered, narcissistic, ignorant, quick to
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: claim credit, quicker to deflect blame, petulant, short-tempered, vulgar, corrupt.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: Name any sin from Trump's favorite book you've been in.
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: And apparently, in the upside down that is now our country,
• 19:23
  Speaker 2: that's the way to do it. So congratulations, you're hired.
• 19:28
  Speaker 2: The only thing left to do now is blatantly steal
• 19:32
  Speaker 2: from whoever it was that hired you. The Trump administration
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: has just announced it is creating a $ 1. 7 billion fund
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: to compensate Trump's allies and January 6th defendants.
• 19:44
  Speaker 10: The fund, which will be financed by American taxpayers, comes
• 19:47
  Speaker 10: as Trump is dropping his $ 10 billion lawsuit against the
• 19:50
  Speaker 10: federal government.
• 19:52
  Speaker 1: Congratulations, graduates.
• 19:56
  Speaker 4: This morning, Donald Trump gave reporters a tour of his
• 19:59
  Speaker 4: upcoming ballroom site that big companies are paying for. And no,
• 20:03
  Speaker 4: they're not just paying for it to get political favors.
• 20:06
  Speaker 4: It's to support his passion for dancing. But since everyone
• 20:11
  Speaker 4: is so skeptical about it, Donald Trump made sure to
• 20:14
  Speaker 4: defend it loud and clear. Thank you for clearing that up! Honestly,
• 20:29
  Speaker 4: just as informative as any of your other press conferences.
• 20:33
  Speaker 4: But once the noise calmed down a bit, Trump did
• 20:36
  Speaker 4: have a chance to explain some of the unique architectural
• 20:38
  Speaker 4: innovations that justify the cost of this ballroom. I think
• 20:43
  Speaker 4: you can see the complexity.
• 20:45
  Speaker 3: All of these columns go directly up to the roof.
• 20:47
  Speaker 4: That's right. Up to the roof. We're not doing any
• 20:55
  Speaker 4: of those columns that stop halfway, okay? Very innovative. Any
• 21:01
  Speaker 4: other incredible breakthroughs we should know about?
• 21:03
  Speaker 3: The glass is approximately four inches thick, and yet it's amazing.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: You can see through it as though it didn't exist.
• 21:10
  Speaker 4: It's amazing. Wow, glass you can see through. Very cool.
• 21:19
  Speaker 4: It sounds like you're just describing every building. Can you
• 21:22
  Speaker 4: do something interesting with it?
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: It's all knit together. The roof goes with the ground floor.
• 21:28
  Speaker 1: The ground floor goes with the roof.
• 21:30
  Speaker 3: The roof also goes down.
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: Into the basement. OK, wait.
• 21:36
  Speaker 4: Now it's too weird, OK? What do you mean the
• 21:39
  Speaker 4: roof goes into the basement? What MC extra shit is this?
• 21:44
  Speaker 4: People inside will be like, am I dancing on the
• 21:45
  Speaker 4: floor or the ceiling?
• 21:47
  Speaker 8: Both.
• 21:48
  Speaker 4: But whatever laws of physics this roof violates, having a
• 21:51
  Speaker 4: giant ballroom built as a favor by your corporate friends,
• 21:55
  Speaker 4: it's hard to think of how things could get more
• 21:57
  Speaker 4: corrupt than that.
• 21:59
  Speaker 11: Tonight, the Justice Department announcing a new so-called anti-weaponization fund, $ 1. 8
• 22:04
  Speaker 11: billion in taxpayer money to be given away to allies
• 22:08
  Speaker 11: of President Trump who claim they were unfairly treated by
• 22:11
  Speaker 11: the Biden DOJ.
• 22:13
  Speaker 4: I stand corrected. I think my brain's roof just fell
• 22:17
  Speaker 4: into his basement. I mean, if you're confused by what's
• 22:20
  Speaker 4: going on here, I went to law school, okay? So
• 22:22
  Speaker 4: let me explain it to you visually. So Donald Trump,
• 22:26
  Speaker 4: the man, is suing the IRS, which happens to be
• 22:29
  Speaker 4: headed by Donald Trump, the president, which then reached a
• 22:32
  Speaker 4: settlement with the Justice Department headed by a man named
• 22:35
  Speaker 4: Donald Trump to create a slush fund controlled by, you
• 22:38
  Speaker 4: guessed it, Donald Trump. It's so blatant and corrupt that
• 22:42
  Speaker 4: it's actually fine. I mean, I want to be mad,
• 22:46
  Speaker 4: but I'm also kind of impressed. Trump figured out how
• 22:49
  Speaker 4: to be both the Karen and the manager. Like, no
• 22:53
  Speaker 4: one has ever done that before. This guy's playing 5D
• 22:57
  Speaker 4: chess with corruption here. I mean, I bet he's building
• 23:00
  Speaker 4: the ballroom just so he can do a slip and fall.
• 23:04
  Speaker 4: He'll be dancing in there. He'll hit his head. He's
• 23:07
  Speaker 4: going to leave the office with a fake neck brace
• 23:09
  Speaker 4: and $ 3 trillion. Now, the settlement says the money is
• 23:13
  Speaker 4: going to go to the victims of the Biden administration,
• 23:16
  Speaker 4: which is pretty broad. I mean, hell, I'm a victim
• 23:20
  Speaker 4: of the Biden administration. I mean, I still have PTSD
• 23:23
  Speaker 4: from watching that guy die slowly on television. But who
• 23:28
  Speaker 4: does Trump have in mind for this money?
• 23:30
  Speaker 11: Among those who could see payouts, the 1,600 people charged
• 23:33
  Speaker 11: in connection with the riot at the Capitol on January 6th.
• 23:38
  Speaker 4: Okay, okay. Hold on. So our taxpayer money is going
• 23:46
  Speaker 4: to the people who did Gen 6. So effectively, the
• 23:51
  Speaker 4: rest of us are being taxed for not doing Gen 6? Well,
• 23:57
  Speaker 4: if I knew that, I would have gone there. Wait,
• 24:00
  Speaker 4: I mean, I was there. I just remembered. Didn't you
• 24:08
  Speaker 4: see me? I was the guy in the video doing this.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: Ah!
• 24:13
  Speaker 4: Ah!
• 24:14
  Speaker 3: Ah!
• 24:15
  Speaker 4: The election! Ah! Anyway, Ben Momi. But look, I don't
• 24:23
  Speaker 4: want to be too cynical here. I'm sure Donald Trump
• 24:26
  Speaker 4: doesn't get to hand the money out to whomever he wants.
• 24:29
  Speaker 4: I'm sure there's someone else who's actually controlling the funds.
• 24:32
  Speaker 2: The fund itself will be controlled by acting Attorney General
• 24:35
  Speaker 2: Todd Blanch, who, of.
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: Course, was the president's personal lawyer.
• 24:40
  Speaker 4: Okay, it's his personal lawyer, but that's still a professional relationship.
• 24:46
  Speaker 4: I'm sure he's still objective. I love working for President Trump.
• 24:49
  Speaker 4: It's the greatest honor of a lifetime.
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: If he chooses to nominate somebody else and asks me
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: to go do something else, I will say, thank you
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: very much.
• 24:56
  Speaker 1: I love you, sir.
• 24:59
  Speaker 4: Okay, fine, he's his personal lawyer, and he's also in
• 25:02
  Speaker 4: love with him.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: Whatever.
• 25:05
  Speaker 4: At this point, it's pretty clear that Donald Trump's former
• 25:07
  Speaker 4: personal lawyer is just there to deep throat his corruption boner.
• 25:12
  Speaker 4: But just don't say that to his face. I'm the
• 25:15
  Speaker 4: acting attorney general, okay?
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: The fact that I used to be President Trump's lawyer
• 25:20
  Speaker 2: is just a fact.
• 25:21
  Speaker 1: So don't say the president's former personal lawyer will do something.
• 25:24
  Speaker 4: The acting attorney general will do something.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: Okay, okay, geez.
• 25:28
  Speaker 4: I'm sorry. What I meant to say is, if the
• 25:32
  Speaker 4: honorable acting attorney general could please stop throating Trump's corruption
• 25:37
  Speaker 4: bonus so hard that his corrupt balls tickle your acting
• 25:41
  Speaker 4: attorney general chin, that would be great, my good sir.
• 25:47
  Speaker 1: So, one.
• 25:53
  Speaker 4: The one good thing about the settlement is that it
• 25:56
  Speaker 4: doesn't let Trump get the money personally. So, at the
• 25:58
  Speaker 4: very least, it's nice to know that Trump isn't just
• 26:01
  Speaker 4: gonna go around trying to make himself rich.
• 26:03
  Speaker 7: New reporting this morning on President Trump's financial disclosure, showing
• 26:07
  Speaker 7: he publicly praised companies after buying their stock. Prolific stock trades,
• 26:12
  Speaker 7: making 3,700 of them, a cumulative value between.
• 26:16
  Speaker 4: $ 220 million and around $ 750 million. Holy shit, this guy
• 26:23
  Speaker 4: is grinding. How does he even find the time to
• 26:27
  Speaker 4: do all of this? I mean, I thought he was
• 26:29
  Speaker 4: falling asleep during meetings, but I think he's just looking
• 26:32
  Speaker 4: down at his E-Trade account. I mean, it must have
• 26:37
  Speaker 4: been more subtle than that, right? It's not like he
• 26:39
  Speaker 4: was buying a stock and then going out and telling
• 26:42
  Speaker 4: people to go buy the company's products.
• 26:44
  Speaker 7: President Trump bought between $ 1 million and $ 5 million of
• 26:48
  Speaker 7: Dell stock on February 10th. Nine days later, he delivered
• 26:52
  Speaker 7: an economic speech in Rome, Georgia, where he said this.
• 26:55
  Speaker 1: Dell, go out and buy a Dell computer.
• 27:00
  Speaker 4: Wow, okay, this guy does not give a f *
• 27:01
  Speaker 4: * * anymore. They're going to have to start replacing
• 27:05
  Speaker 4: the presidential seal with a hashtag ad. In hindsight, we
• 27:10
  Speaker 4: should have suspected something. I mean, if you're telling people
• 27:12
  Speaker 4: to buy a Dell computer in 2026, you're probably doing
• 27:16
  Speaker 4: something illegal, okay? Because even the people who make Dell
• 27:20
  Speaker 4: computers are like, do they still make Dell computers? When
• 27:24
  Speaker 4: we look back on it, though, the clues were pretty obvious.
• 27:27
  Speaker 2: Weeks after buying shares of Palantir, Trump touting the stock, posting,
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: Palantir Technologies has proven to have great warfighting capabilities and equipment.
• 27:36
  Speaker 4: Just ask our enemies. I mean, he's even putting the
• 27:39
  Speaker 4: stock ticket symbol in his tweet. You know, the way
• 27:43
  Speaker 4: we all drop stock symbols into our everyday conversations. Like, hey, officer, officer,
• 27:48
  Speaker 4: that man stole my iPhone, AAPL. Here's the bottom line.
• 27:54
  Speaker 4: It's undeniable at this point that Trump has achieved a
• 27:57
  Speaker 4: level of corruption no one has ever imagined before. And
• 28:00
  Speaker 4: if I may be serious for a second, this is unacceptable, Mr. President.
• 28:05
  Speaker 4: You owe it to the public. to explain yourself loud
• 28:08
  Speaker 4: and clear. I can't hear you. I can't hear what
• 28:15
  Speaker 4: you're saying. Fine, I'm sure he's apologizing here, all right?
• 28:18
  Speaker 4: There were six important congressional primaries yesterday, so you know
• 28:22
  Speaker 4: what that means. If you live in Alabama, Georgia, Idaho, Kentucky, Oregon,
• 28:26
  Speaker 4: or Pennsylvania, you forgot to vote. And once again, the
• 28:31
  Speaker 4: big story is Donald Trump absolutely stomping on disloyal Republicans
• 28:35
  Speaker 4: like Godzilla with slightly thicker ankles.
• 28:38
  Speaker 12: Another round of retaliation for President Trump. He has helped
• 28:42
  Speaker 12: unseat one of his most prominent Republican critics on the Hill,
• 28:46
  Speaker 12: Congressman Thomas Massey, who spearheaded the law forcing the release
• 28:49
  Speaker 12: of the Epstein files.
• 28:52
  Speaker 4: Yeah, that'll teach you to try to expose pedophiles. What
• 28:59
  Speaker 4: is going on here? Releasing the Epstein files didn't put
• 29:02
  Speaker 4: anyone in prison. The guy who got the Epstein files
• 29:05
  Speaker 4: released got voted out. And meanwhile, the Michael Jackson movie
• 29:08
  Speaker 4: made $ 300 million. Is America pro-pedophile now? Jeffrey, you killed
• 29:20
  Speaker 4: yourself too early. The tides were turning. But let's move
• 29:28
  Speaker 4: on from Trump meddling in primaries to him meddling all
• 29:32
  Speaker 4: over the world, starting with his war in Iran. And
• 29:35
  Speaker 4: I know people that think that Donald Trump didn't have
• 29:38
  Speaker 4: a plan for the war, But guess what, libtards and
• 29:41
  Speaker 4: military generals? Turns out he did have a plan. It
• 29:46
  Speaker 4: was just very stupid.
• 29:47
  Speaker 13: New reporting reveals an early objective of the war with
• 29:51
  Speaker 13: Iran involved a regime change strategy that would reinstate former
• 29:57
  Speaker 13: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as the country's leader.
• 30:02
  Speaker 8: Yes, that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the president of Iran from 2005
• 30:06
  Speaker 8: to 2013, the man who strongly supported Iran's nuclear program
• 30:10
  Speaker 8: and more.
• 30:12
  Speaker 4: So the plan to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons
• 30:15
  Speaker 4: was to install a leader who wanted to get nuclear weapons?
• 30:21
  Speaker 4: I love it, no notes. And if you hate this plan,
• 30:26
  Speaker 4: don't worry. That wasn't the part that didn't work.
• 30:29
  Speaker 13: Ahmadinejad was injured on the war's first day by an
• 30:33
  Speaker 13: Israeli strike at his home in Tehran that had been
• 30:36
  Speaker 13: designed to free him from house arrest.
• 30:42
  Speaker 4: So you're telling me that two entire countries thought the
• 30:46
  Speaker 4: smartest way to free someone from house arrest was to
• 30:49
  Speaker 4: blow up his house? Nobody suggested, I don't know, calling
• 30:55
  Speaker 4: a locksmith, maybe sneaking him out in a laundry bin.
• 31:01
  Speaker 4: What was the thinking here? You can't be under house
• 31:03
  Speaker 4: arrest if you don't have a house.
• 31:08
  Speaker 13: So.
• 31:14
  Speaker 4: Obviously, that plan didn't work. In fact, everything in the
• 31:17
  Speaker 4: war of Iran has been a lot harder than we thought.
• 31:20
  Speaker 4: But this is America. And what do we do when
• 31:22
  Speaker 4: things get hard? Say it with me. We lose interest
• 31:26
  Speaker 4: and move on to other things. For example, Greenland. Yeah!
• 31:34
  Speaker 4: Remember this shit? It was Trump's original takeover target, and
• 31:40
  Speaker 4: now he's got a new strategy for doing it. Seduce
• 31:43
  Speaker 4: them with kindness.
• 31:45
  Speaker 7: Louisiana Governor Jeff Landry was in Greenland this week, his
• 31:48
  Speaker 7: first trip as President Trump's new special envoy to the
• 31:51
  Speaker 7: Danish territory.
• 31:52
  Speaker 4: Do you have a message from President Trump with you?
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: Actually, I do. I talked to him late last night.
• 31:57
  Speaker 4: He said, go over there and.
• 32:00
  Speaker 1: Make a bunch of friends, as many friends as we can.
• 32:06
  Speaker 4: Damn, this male loneliness epidemic is really getting out of control.
• 32:12
  Speaker 4: American middle-aged men are such losers that we have to
• 32:14
  Speaker 4: take over Greenland just to make friends? Yes, Greenland has
• 32:19
  Speaker 4: just been visited by America's special envoy, which for some
• 32:23
  Speaker 4: reason is the governor of Louisiana. And it shouldn't be
• 32:26
  Speaker 4: hard to make friends because any country who has the
• 32:29
  Speaker 4: little circles over the letters is always friendly, right? Denmark, Sweden,
• 32:34
  Speaker 4: the country in Frozen. So I'm sure it went fine.
• 32:39
  Speaker 4: He wanted to know if you were famous. Oh, I
• 32:42
  Speaker 4: don't know if he's famous, but he's the governor of Louisiana.
• 32:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, you want to take a picture?
• 32:47
  Speaker 4: No? No. This Greenland kid is like, oh, sorry, you
• 32:57
  Speaker 4: said you're the governor of which state? Nah, I'm good,
• 33:01
  Speaker 4: I'm good. Is Kathy Hochul around or someone else? Like,
• 33:05
  Speaker 4: come on, kid, you're not impressed by Jeff Landry? This
• 33:09
  Speaker 4: man is the governor of America's second most illiterate state.
• 33:14
  Speaker 4: Does that mean anything to you? But sure, I get it.
• 33:19
  Speaker 4: I mean, phones nowadays can only hold, like, what, 60,000 photos?
• 33:23
  Speaker 4: You got to make them count. I mean, Jeff, you're
• 33:26
  Speaker 4: embarrassing us in front of our future colony. Step up
• 33:29
  Speaker 4: your game, okay? Turn on that Southern charm.
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: Greenland news outlets reported that Landry was seen handing out
• 33:35
  Speaker 2: chocolate cookies.
• 33:36
  Speaker 3: You come to the governor's mansion, all the chocolate chip
• 33:40
  Speaker 3: cookies you can eat.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Stranger! Stranger danger! Stranger!
• 33:48
  Speaker 4: Great idea for winning over the people of Greenland. Talk
• 33:51
  Speaker 4: to them like the neighborhood pedophile. I'm telling you, Epstein,
• 33:55
  Speaker 4: you went too soon, all right? Everything would have been okay. So,
• 34:00
  Speaker 4: Greenland isn't working out either. But don't worry, there are
• 34:03
  Speaker 4: lots of countries we can still pick a fight with.
• 34:06
  Speaker 10: Breaking news, the Department of Justice filing criminal charges against
• 34:09
  Speaker 10: former Cuban president Raul Castro.
• 34:11
  Speaker 4: The 94-year-old Castro is the brother of Fidel Castro. Holy shit,
• 34:16
  Speaker 4: we're gonna send a 94-year-old man to jail? Like, what's
• 34:20
  Speaker 4: the point? Everywhere that guy sits is death row.
• 34:23
  Speaker 14: I mean.
• 34:25
  Speaker 4: I mean, look at this guy. He's so old, he
• 34:29
  Speaker 4: needs help walking from another old guy. Where are you
• 34:35
  Speaker 4: going to find a jury of his peers? With a
• 34:39
  Speaker 4: Ouija board?
• 34:39
  Speaker 1: I mean.
• 34:43
  Speaker 4: On the plus side, I guess you don't need to
• 34:45
  Speaker 4: handcuff him. You can just tie his hands together with
• 34:47
  Speaker 4: his long droopy balls. At least this shows that no
• 34:52
  Speaker 4: one is above the law, even if your pants are
• 34:54
  Speaker 4: above your nipples. Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. It's funny, right?
• 35:07
  Speaker 4: It's a good thing none of us are ever getting old. Anyway,
• 35:16
  Speaker 4: let's hear the charges. The 94-year-old faces criminal charges in
• 35:20
  Speaker 4: his alleged role in ordering.
• 35:22
  Speaker 8: Two aircrafts to be shot down back when he was
• 35:25
  Speaker 8: the defense minister in 1996.
• 35:26
  Speaker 4: Oh man, the charges are from 1996? That was 30
• 35:31
  Speaker 4: years ago. He was only, what, 64 at the time?
• 35:36
  Speaker 4: I mean, we all do crazy shit when we're young.
• 35:40
  Speaker 4: First off, it's graduation season, and I'd just like to
• 35:44
  Speaker 4: take a moment to shout out all the graduates watching.
• 35:47
  Speaker 4: Welcome to the real world. It sucks. But yesterday, Trump
• 35:54
  Speaker 4: gave the commencement speech at the Coast Guard Academy, and
• 35:57
  Speaker 4: he had a different message for graduates. And that message was,
• 36:01
  Speaker 4: daddy like it.
• 36:03
  Speaker 3: We also have the only cadet who earned a perfect
• 36:07
  Speaker 3: score on every single fitness test. Wow, this guy must
• 36:10
  Speaker 3: be something. I think we'll have to invite him up.
• 36:12
  Speaker 3: I want to check it out. Thomas, get up here, please.
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: I want to see. I want to check him out. Wow.
• 36:20
  Speaker 1: Look at this guy.
• 36:20
  Speaker 3: Look at the muscles on this guy.
• 36:25
  Speaker 1: Just hit him on the shoulder. It hurt my hand.
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: It's like hitting a rock.
• 36:30
  Speaker 4: Well, we wanted Trump to stop harassing women, and... I
• 36:35
  Speaker 4: guess he found a loophole. I mean, seriously, is Trump
• 36:39
  Speaker 4: a college sophomore? Because if you've been paying any attention recently,
• 36:44
  Speaker 4: it looks like he's been discovering something about himself.
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: You are a handsome devil.
• 36:49
  Speaker 9: He's a good-looking guy.
• 36:52
  Speaker 3: Now, if you rip off the jacket, you'll see the
• 36:54
  Speaker 3: muscles are serious.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: Boy, oh boy, these are good-looking guys. Look at the
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: arms on him. I'll give you a heart. You look
• 36:59
  Speaker 1: so good. You're too good-looking to be a fighter.
• 37:02
  Speaker 3: See, I consider all those guys back there with the
• 37:04
  Speaker 3: big muscles... And it's not my thing, but I consider
• 37:08
  Speaker 3: them really beautiful to me.
• 37:09
  Speaker 1: He's so strong. He's those muscles.
• 37:16
  Speaker 4: Okay, I'm just going to say it. The president needs
• 37:19
  Speaker 4: to f * * * a dude, all right?
• 37:20
  Speaker 1: Like, just go for it, Mr.
• 37:23
  Speaker 4: President. I'm not even saying you're gay. It just seems
• 37:25
  Speaker 4: like something you need to get out of your system,
• 37:28
  Speaker 4: you know, like as a novelty thing. And don't worry
• 37:31
  Speaker 4: about what your supporters will think. You'll be fine. Your
• 37:33
  Speaker 4: base will love it. And your shaft. But Trump isn't
• 37:37
  Speaker 4: just doing commencements. He's got a very busy weekend ahead
• 37:40
  Speaker 4: of him. Maybe too busy.
• 37:43
  Speaker 1: Are you planning your son's wedding this weekend, by the way? Uh,
• 37:46
  Speaker 1: he'd like me to go. I'm gonna try and make it.
• 37:49
  Speaker 1: I'm in the midst.
• 37:50
  Speaker 3: I said, you know, this is not good timing for me.
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: I have a thing called Iran and other things.
• 37:57
  Speaker 4: Oh! And now I get why he started the war
• 38:00
  Speaker 4: of Iran. To get out John Jr. 's wedding. You
• 38:05
  Speaker 4: should have just told us that. We'd understand. Even the
• 38:08
  Speaker 4: Ayatollah's like, I get it. But to be fair, I
• 38:13
  Speaker 4: also wouldn't want to go at Don Jr. 's wedding
• 38:15
  Speaker 4: if I was too old to want to do cocaine, right?
• 38:18
  Speaker 4: And besides, this is Don Jr. 's third fiance. Trump's
• 38:21
  Speaker 4: probably like, if I miss this wedding, I'll just catch
• 38:23
  Speaker 4: the next one. So fake news media, stop trying to
• 38:26
  Speaker 4: get him with these gotcha questions like, are you going
• 38:29
  Speaker 4: to attend your son's wedding? The man's got important news
• 38:33
  Speaker 4: about what's going on in Iran, and I want to
• 38:35
  Speaker 4: pay attention.
• 38:36
  Speaker 3: We have total control of the Strait of Hormuz, as
• 38:39
  Speaker 3: you know, with our blockade. The blockade's been 100% effective.
• 38:43
  Speaker 1: Nobody's been able.
• 38:44
  Speaker 4: To get close like a steel wall. Okay, okay, I'm sorry,
• 38:45
  Speaker 4: I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I cannot pay attention. I don't
• 38:50
  Speaker 4: want to tell the White House how to do their job,
• 38:52
  Speaker 4: but is it possible that when the president is speaking
• 38:58
  Speaker 4: in the Oval Office, we don't have a giant protruding
• 39:03
  Speaker 4: belly button five inches from his face? I can't believe
• 39:16
  Speaker 4: I'm saying this, but this is beneath the dignity of
• 39:19
  Speaker 4: the office. And it's a low bar. Like, can you
• 39:25
  Speaker 4: at least blur it or something? Like, I know it's
• 39:28
  Speaker 4: technically not indecent, but it's making me very uncomfortable. I mean,
• 39:33
  Speaker 4: a tie would solve this, or maybe a sweater, or
• 39:37
  Speaker 4: like 19 sweaters. Wait, wait, hang on a second. Let
• 39:42
  Speaker 4: me try something here.
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: Oh, shit, it's coming right at me. All right.
• 39:50
  Speaker 4: Okay, but let's move on to something even more gross
• 39:52
  Speaker 4: and harder to ignore, the Trump administration's corruption. This week
• 39:56
  Speaker 4: we learned about the new $ 1. 8 billion slush fund for
• 39:59
  Speaker 4: Trump allies who have supposedly been targeted by the government.
• 40:02
  Speaker 4: And now we're finding out who's lining up at that
• 40:04
  Speaker 4: MAGA slot machine.
• 40:06
  Speaker 8: Proud Boys leader Enrique Tarrio said he plans on applying
• 40:09
  Speaker 8: for a payout. MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell says he also
• 40:13
  Speaker 8: is planning to file a claim.
• 40:14
  Speaker 14: Former Congressman George Santos and ex-Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich.
• 40:18
  Speaker 1: Maybe Peter Navarro, maybe Steve Bannon.
• 40:21
  Speaker 8: Adam Johnson, known better as the lectern guy, says he
• 40:24
  Speaker 8: will submit his claim as soon as this week.
• 40:28
  Speaker 4: Wow, that list is a real who's who of, oh yeah,
• 40:30
  Speaker 4: that f * * * ing weirdo. All our favorite
• 40:33
  Speaker 4: characters are back. It's like the final episode of Seinfeld,
• 40:37
  Speaker 4: except this time the soup Nazi is just an actual Nazi.
• 40:41
  Speaker 4: But the money is not going to just big-name losers.
• 40:44
  Speaker 4: Some of it is going to losers you've never even
• 40:47
  Speaker 4: heard of.
• 40:47
  Speaker 15: Brandon Fellows was sentenced on felony and misdemeanor charges for
• 40:51
  Speaker 15: entering the Capitol on January 6, seen here in a
• 40:55
  Speaker 15: red beard costume. So the number I've put in is
• 40:58
  Speaker 15: $ 30 million.
• 40:58
  Speaker 4: $ 30 million for wearing a mop on your face to
• 41:05
  Speaker 4: Gen 6? How did you arrive at that very reasonable number?
• 41:10
  Speaker 10: According to ChatGPT and Grok, I'm in at least the
• 41:12
  Speaker 10: 3% to 5% upper tier for how terrible.
• 41:17
  Speaker 4: And also how strong of a case I have. Oh, okay.
• 41:21
  Speaker 4: Grok told you that. I see. It's the AI that's
• 41:25
  Speaker 4: banned from coming within 500 feet of a school and
• 41:27
  Speaker 4: it's giving you legal advice. All right. Well, open and
• 41:31
  Speaker 4: shut case for me. Anybody else have a claim from
• 41:34
  Speaker 4: January 6th?
• 41:35
  Speaker 15: Rachel Powell, a mom of Ace and a grandmother to Ace,
• 41:40
  Speaker 15: spent three years under house arrest.
• 41:43
  Speaker 4: Okay, three years of house arrest with eight kids and
• 41:46
  Speaker 4: eight grandkids. I don't care what you did. That is
• 41:48
  Speaker 4: cruel and unusual punishment. I mean, look at her. Look
• 41:52
  Speaker 4: at this sweet lady. Look at, she's like rolling some dough.
• 41:56
  Speaker 4: What was her crime? Did she bring unauthorized muffins into
• 41:59
  Speaker 4: the Capitol? I want to hear her side.
• 42:03
  Speaker 9: A lot of people don't agree with what happened on
• 42:05
  Speaker 9: January 6th. But when you step back and you look
• 42:10
  Speaker 9: at somebody like me, for example... My major felony had
• 42:15
  Speaker 9: to be struck down by the Supreme Court. It's my
• 42:17
  Speaker 9: crime that day of breaking a window. Technically, that's a
• 42:20
  Speaker 9: misdemeanor charge.
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: Yes.
• 42:28
  Speaker 4: When I see this woman trying to break into the
• 42:30
  Speaker 4: Capitol with a battering ram like an orc in the
• 42:32
  Speaker 4: Law of the Rings, I think that's someone who deserves
• 42:36
  Speaker 4: a payout. She was just in the wrong place at
• 42:39
  Speaker 4: the wrong time, with the wrong battering ram, breaking the
• 42:42
  Speaker 4: wrong window. It could happen to any of us. And
• 42:46
  Speaker 4: I like how she's trying to pretend the window she
• 42:47
  Speaker 4: broke was just some random window. Like you're removing some
• 42:51
  Speaker 4: pretty important contacts, ma'am. It's like John Wilkes Booth saying, oh,
• 42:55
  Speaker 4: so what, I'm getting a firing squad just because I
• 42:58
  Speaker 4: interrupted a play? America's cooked, man. Is there any voice
• 43:04
  Speaker 4: of reason who will call out how wrong this is?
• 43:07
  Speaker 4: Like any normal, not crazy person?
• 43:10
  Speaker 8: One person, though, who says he won't file a claim
• 43:13
  Speaker 8: is Jacob Chansley, the so-called QAnon shaman.
• 43:16
  Speaker 4: He called the fund, quote, blood money. Okay, I guess
• 43:21
  Speaker 4: even a broken brain is right twice a day. I mean, seriously,
• 43:25
  Speaker 4: imagine if on Jan 6, I asked you to guess
• 43:28
  Speaker 4: who will be the voice of reason on this. Would
• 43:30
  Speaker 4: you have said the guy dressed like a stripper who's
• 43:32
  Speaker 4: also a buffalo? But I guess this is a lesson
• 43:36
  Speaker 4: to the rest of us that we shouldn't judge a
• 43:37
  Speaker 4: book by its cover. Maybe the QAnon shaman isn't as
• 43:40
  Speaker 4: delusional as we thought.
• 43:42
  Speaker 1: Jacob Chancellor, aka the QAnon shaman, told CNN.
• 43:45
  Speaker 11: That he isn't going to participate in the fund because
• 43:47
  Speaker 11: he's still suing the government for $ 40 trillion.
• 43:50
  Speaker 1: No!
• 43:54
  Speaker 4: That's the last time I trust a shirtless man in
• 43:59
  Speaker 4: a raccoon hat! But if you're that angry that your
• 44:03
  Speaker 4: taxpayer money is going to go to people who did
• 44:05
  Speaker 4: Gen 6, let me reassure you, a ton more people
• 44:08
  Speaker 4: are going to get your money too.
• 44:10
  Speaker 14: In a memo released today, the DOJ said $ 1. 8 billion
• 44:13
  Speaker 14: was an appropriate amount for the fund, quote, given that
• 44:17
  Speaker 14: literally tens of millions of Americans could be eligible for payments.
• 44:22
  Speaker 4: OK, hang on a second. So tens of millions of
• 44:24
  Speaker 4: people means at least 20 million people, right? Because it's
• 44:28
  Speaker 4: tens of millions. It's not 10 million. So at minimum,
• 44:31
  Speaker 4: it's 20 million people. So divide $ 1. 8 billion by 20 million.
• 44:36
  Speaker 4: And that's like 90 bucks a person. That's not going
• 44:42
  Speaker 4: to help these people. That's barely two bags of crystal meth.
• 44:48
  Speaker 4: I'm telling you, when these people find out how little
• 44:50
  Speaker 4: they're getting, they're going to be so pissed at the government.
• 44:53
  Speaker 4: And you know what happens when they get pissed at
• 44:54
  Speaker 4: the government. The cycle continues.