Latest / Your Thoughts Your Reality / Navigating Midlife Reflections: Andrew Houghton on Men's Mental Health and the Power of Choice

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Navigating Midlife Reflections: Andrew Houghton on Men's Mental Health and the Power of Choice · Your Thoughts Your Reality

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Welcome to your Thoughts, your Reality with Michael Cole, the podcast that shines a compassionate light on the journey of veterans battling through life's challenges.
• 0:11
  Speaker 1: Michael is a dual elite certified neuro encoding specialist in coaching and keynote training presentations dedicated to guiding military veterans as they navigate the intricate pathways of post-deployment life.
• 0:23
  Speaker 1: Join him as we delve into the profound realm of neuroencoding science, empowering these brave individuals to conquer universal battles procrastination, self-doubt, fear and more.
• 0:34
  Speaker 1: Together, let's uncover the strength within you to re-engage with families and society, forging a new path forward.
• 0:47
  Speaker 2: Hello, hello, hello everybody.
• 0:49
  Speaker 2: I hope everybody is doing fantastic.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: Here.
• 0:51
  Speaker 2: We have a good friend of mine, andrew Horton, here.
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: He is a dual elite certified neurocoding specialist.
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: In fact, we graduated with the neurocoding institute the same day, which is fantastic.
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: He's a mindset life coach.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: He's also the founder of the Extraordinary Men's Network, which is fantastic.
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: So he's also been.
• 1:13
  Speaker 2: Are you currently a professor?
• 1:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I'm still.
• 1:17
  Speaker 3: I'm in my 15th year at a women's university in Seoul, south Korea.
• 1:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so Seoul, South Korea.
• 1:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, so Seoul, South Korea.
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: So this man gets up and does what he does for his coaching company and so on, at hours that normal human beings would not be able to do.
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: I'm just saying so welcome, Andrew.
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: Tell us a little bit more about you.
• 1:39
  Speaker 3: Yeah well, I survive and thrive at 2 am most days.
• 1:44
  Speaker 3: I survive and thrive at 2 am most days.
• 1:48
  Speaker 3: I'm blessed with three amazing children.
• 1:53
  Speaker 3: I have a teenage stepson and two little baby girls.
• 1:59
  Speaker 3: I live in Seoul.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: I've been here 20 years.
• 2:03
  Speaker 3: I came here as a fresh-faced, very I look back at photos was like man, who?
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: who is that boy?
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: What was it?
• 2:10
  Speaker 3: what was he doing at 23, coming over to south korea?
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: knew nothing about life it's crazy when we do that and we look back um and it's like who was I then?
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: Such Such a different world, different world.
• 2:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean I'm sure we're going to get into these kind of conversations, but I look at the picture and I think what was in that guy's mind at that time Like the crap I was thinking about myself and what I was and what I could or couldn't do, and all that stuff it all comes kind of flooding back when I see those old photos and it's quite bizarre.
• 2:49
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I've been here a long time and gone through quite a lot of life changes in that time.
• 2:56
  Speaker 3: I am an English language professor at a university in Seoul.
• 2:59
  Speaker 3: I'm also a life coach, as you said.
• 3:03
  Speaker 3: My focus is on men's mindsets.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Perfect.
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: Well, that kind of leads us right into where we need to go, right there.
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: So you know we're going to talk about things especially middle-aged men and feeling stuck.
• 3:19
  Speaker 2: But keep in mind you know, a lot of these tools and things we're going to discuss, it's a lot of mindset, right?
• 3:33
  Speaker 2: So it's not just going to be for middle-aged men by any means, who you know need to go buy the Mustang or whatever the case may be, if you will, but it's the human condition that you know.
• 3:41
  Speaker 2: Whether you're whatever middle age is nowadays, I don't even know, but it's, it's really a lot to do also with, just again, that mindset and you can have it at.
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: You can have it at 15, you can have it at 30, you can have it at 85.
• 3:57
  Speaker 3: You know, it's just depends on the person and what they're going through and their thoughts depends on the person and what they're going through and their thoughts yeah, I know, it's like put, put in some juice in the red dragon baby.
• 4:11
  Speaker 3: Um, yeah, uh, it is.
• 4:16
  Speaker 3: And when you say middle-aged, you said it a couple of times.
• 4:20
  Speaker 3: Every time you said it I cringed a little bit.
• 4:21
  Speaker 3: It's like I'm not middle-aged, bro, like middle-aged, but I I am, I absolutely, you know, in my 40s, mid 40s, it's, that's the classic.
• 4:31
  Speaker 3: You know, when my dad was my age, he was going out buying silk shirts and trying to get into nightclubs he had no business going to.
• 4:37
  Speaker 3: And you know, it's like I'm just starting a family, like I feel like my middle age is going to kick in when I'm 60.
• 4:46
  Speaker 3: That's just a trajectory my life's taken me.
• 4:52
  Speaker 3: But yeah, midlife, the crisis, or the quarter-life crisis, or whatever you're facing, it's a real thing and it's a real challenge that we have to, you know, admit and accept and face absolutely and honestly.
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: You know, I've been through different times in my life.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: You know where it's, it's.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: Am I going through that?
• 5:19
  Speaker 2: I mean, I've had, I've had five mustangs, so I can't really say, as I went out and got another Mustang, but it's, you know, at 30, at 40, I'm 52 now, but I just, you know, you get in a little bit of a funk or feel stuck.
• 5:35
  Speaker 2: But I don't know if it's a middle-aged thing.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: I think it's.
• 5:41
  Speaker 2: For me anyway, it's more just a life thing.
• 5:42
  Speaker 2: I've not went and said, oh man, I'm middle-aged, I'm halfway through my life and I've not accomplished enough or I've not done.
• 5:50
  Speaker 2: So what do you think the mindset is for people that go into that?
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: And maybe you're going to say something and I'm going to be like, oh shit, I did do that.
• 6:03
  Speaker 3: Well, I'm already thinking that actually I'm doing it.
• 6:05
  Speaker 3: Oh, I did.
• 6:06
  Speaker 3: I am in my midlife cry.
• 6:08
  Speaker 3: Oh, I am in my midlife cries.
• 6:09
  Speaker 3: But I, I feel like we live.
• 6:12
  Speaker 3: We don't live the average life like we think we do.
• 6:17
  Speaker 3: Right, we, we see our own life, we see our own past and we at least I, I feel like I assume this is what people do and this is how people live their life.
• 6:28
  Speaker 3: However, everyone I know well, no, let's not say everyone, let's say like 90 of everyone I know from my childhood stayed in my childhood town and they would be having their midlife crisis now, I guess, by traditional standards, having left the UK and coming over to South Korea.
• 6:48
  Speaker 3: And then you know, to be frank, it was pretty much like freshman week freshers, freshman week university for like 10 years.
• 6:58
  Speaker 3: We're doing the teaching job, you're getting a salary, but it's not a very, very.
• 7:03
  Speaker 3: You know you can take it seriously if you want to, but for most of the people out here it's just like you're getting paid to hang out and have fun and then you finish work and then it's more fun and more hanging out and it was it kind of delayed.
• 7:16
  Speaker 3: It's like, I don't know, delayed puberty or something like it's you just stayed a child for a lot longer than most people would like.
• 7:22
  Speaker 3: I don't know.
• 7:24
  Speaker 3: Most of my friends didn't get married until their 40s, for example, whereas back home everyone was married in their early 20s 20s right, yeah, so um, and I'm gonna just say this don't ever grow up yeah, right keep that.
• 7:37
  Speaker 3: Keep that mindset as much as you can, my nephew has a sign on his wall that says don't grow up.
• 7:42
  Speaker 3: It's a trap.
• 7:45
  Speaker 2: I love that, I think, and I think that should be a tattoo.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: I'm just saying, yeah, bumper sticker.
• 7:51
  Speaker 3: Definitely a bumper sticker, yeah.
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: So when, when, when you feel like, whether it be, let's, let's get out of the the midlife crisis scenario, let's just talk about being stuck or in a rut, because, at whatever age, that is that fair yeah, yeah okay, so when you, what does that feel like or look like for the average person?
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: I know this is your specialty, so you know what is that?
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: What are some of the signs?
• 8:17
  Speaker 2: So if people are feeling that, they can maybe say, oh, you know what I need to talk to.
• 8:25
  Speaker 2: Andrew.
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: Yeah, I mean, the word that rhymes with stuck is suck.
• 8:30
  Speaker 3: Right, if it sucks, you feel like I've heard it turned.
• 8:34
  Speaker 3: You're living in the land of suck, basically.
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: And for me at least, it was waking up in the morning every day and just that deep in here we go again, like I'm not even like the idea that you wake up going another day, like, no, it's the exact opposite.
• 8:55
  Speaker 3: It's like, oh, another day, like why am I not, can I not sleep more?
• 8:59
  Speaker 3: And some, and there are days, there are days where you, you know, morning doesn't happen, you don't get out of bed till the afternoon, and that's because you have to, because the baby well, that'll happen later, but I, I get out of bed with the baby cries, don't want to give the wrong impression, but it, you know, you get hungry, so you gotta you go to the bathroom, so you gotta get up, but uh, it's essentially you, you have no motivation to do anything, like even the things that used to be fun, you know binge watching Netflix and eating ice cream and ordering pizza.
• 9:31
  Speaker 3: You don't even want to do that.
• 9:32
  Speaker 3: Like, that's how sucky, that's how, that's how stuck you are in this, this world of I don't want to do anything.
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: I take part of it.
• 9:42
  Speaker 3: Nothing inspires me, nothing motivates me, nothing like I don't get enjoyment from things.
• 9:48
  Speaker 2: So it literally sounds like a depression to some extent.
• 9:54
  Speaker 3: It is, yeah, If you're not wanting to get out of bed.
• 9:55
  Speaker 2: I'd say it's a major depression, but just the idea of rinse and repeat crap, this sucks.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: As you say, it sounds like a form of depression, whether it be mild or severe.
• 10:09
  Speaker 3: I'm apprehensive about using that word, because I'm not a doctor and even though I have my Jules certification in coaching, it is not a license for me to prescribe anything.
• 10:20
  Speaker 3: So to say it's depression, that's not for me.
• 10:24
  Speaker 3: To say it's definitely a deep sadness, would some cute kittens, kittens what's a kitten?
• 10:31
  Speaker 3: It's a half kitten, half cat.
• 10:33
  Speaker 3: A kitten playing the piano might get you out of it, who knows?
• 10:37
  Speaker 3: But it is definitely a very, very morose situation to be in.
• 10:44
  Speaker 2: That's, that's for sure, and that's fair, and that's fair.
• 10:46
  Speaker 2: On the on the depression thing, I think the general standard, or what we would say as general public would we would consider that.
• 10:53
  Speaker 2: You know, that is why I went there.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: So people understand, totally understand.
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: You know none of us are Washington, none of us.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: Totally understand, you know none of us are.
• 10:59
  Speaker 2: Well, I shouldn't say none of us.
• 11:00
  Speaker 2: There are some doctors we've had and so on, but we're not psychologists, therapists or psychologists.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: you know psychologists and so on, psychiatrists, et cetera, so what are?
• 11:13
  Speaker 2: Let me go back.
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: So when you get in the funk, the rut stuck, how does that from your experience?
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Or you know your clients, et cetera and please don't say names, obviously but how does that?
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: Or what have you seen?
• 11:29
  Speaker 2: As far as that affecting the rest of the family, you know, with veterans and so on, we want to really have that discussion, whether it's be the veteran that just got back, or the wife or husband that's been home, the spouse that just got back, or the wife or husband that's been home, the spouse that's been dealing with the home front.
• 11:44
  Speaker 2: And you know, there's a lot of times there's not the connections that you know when they first come back, because you've grown into different people.
• 11:51
  Speaker 2: So what are some of the things that when that veteran or that spouse just is stuck, what does that look like from your experience?
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: I mean?
• 12:03
  Speaker 3: I mean, first it's, it's.
• 12:04
  Speaker 3: It's tremendously painful, right it's.
• 12:07
  Speaker 3: It's painful for both, for all involved.
• 12:10
  Speaker 3: For some people it it does feel like you've you've moved on.
• 12:15
  Speaker 3: For other people it's like there was a time pause and then something, something like someone's press play again and you expect things to be exactly the way they were and they're not.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: That can cause disappointment and frustration, but it is a painful, painful place to be because nobody wants to be there.
• 12:33
  Speaker 3: Everyone wants to be happy, everyone wants to be confident and sure with what they're doing and why they're doing it.
• 12:41
  Speaker 3: At least, I believe that's what people want.
• 12:45
  Speaker 3: Debate me.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: I'm not going to.
• 12:49
  Speaker 2: I think that's the.
• 12:50
  Speaker 2: That's what people need I'll even go with to feel like they're moving forward and progressing in life.
• 12:57
  Speaker 2: I think that, in order to be happy, that's what you, you literally need.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: So, when you don't have it yet, I think you definitely want it.
• 13:03
  Speaker 2: I think you're order to be happy, that's what you literally need.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: So, when you don't have it, yeah, I think you definitely want it.
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: I think you're spot on right there.
• 13:06
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so in terms of my experience, and to somewhat clients as well, it's the biggest thing that's affected is self-esteem and confidence.
• 13:18
  Speaker 3: So when you don't know your you, when you don't know your place and you don't know where you're going, you begin, one word that gets used is victimhood.
• 13:30
  Speaker 3: Right, you become, you start blaming yourself, and that manifests a lot of different, a lot of different things, one, a big one being blame and resentment.
• 13:41
  Speaker 3: Right, yes, so you blame yourself, or you blame the other person for not understanding you.
• 13:47
  Speaker 3: Like don't you know what I've done?
• 13:49
  Speaker 3: Don't you know what I did?
• 13:50
  Speaker 3: Like ignoring the fact of what they were doing while you were doing your thing and they were doing their thing too, and nothing good ever comes out of two people blaming each other at the same time and I think that's the biggest part is the loss of self-worth, absolutely.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: That's fantastic.
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: And I love the way you put it honestly, I think, again, I think you absolutely nailed it.
• 14:20
  Speaker 2: And I love the way you put it honestly, I think, again, I think you absolutely nailed it.
• 14:22
  Speaker 2: And when you know, as we know as neuroencoders, when you start getting into those kinds of things, you know, anytime you're in that rut and you don't want to get out of bed, what happens?
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: You start that self-loathing, like you said, resenting.
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: You get into all the thieves of your dreams, the procrastination, the hesitation.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: You know all of those things.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: So I think that's a fantastic point that you bring.
• 14:44
  Speaker 2: So, if I can, you know what are some steps or some thoughts when you're there and you realize you have that oh shit moment, I call it, or aha moment of oh crap, this is where I'm at and I don't like it.
• 15:04
  Speaker 2: You know, obviously you have to get leverage over yourself, but what are some steps to?
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: Let me be more clear you need to get leverage over yourself to make real change.
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: So what are some steps or some thoughts on that to to break the cycle when you, when you have the realization?
• 15:24
  Speaker 3: yeah, I mean, the key word you're saying there is having the, the realization, the oh shit moment, the aha it's, it's, it's, it's having awareness of it's.
• 15:34
  Speaker 3: You right, acknowledging, uh, ownership, if you like.
• 15:39
  Speaker 3: I heard a great.
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: It was.
• 15:40
  Speaker 3: It was offered as a quote and even the person who quoted it couldn't exactly remember where they quoted, so I'm quoting somebody who doesn't know where they're quoting, but either way, it sounded good to me and it was something like resentment is feeling like someone else, someone is ruining your life and guess what there is, it's you.
• 16:00
  Speaker 3: And guess what there is, it's you.
• 16:08
  Speaker 3: And that, I feel like, is the first step, is knowing that you are the one who is kind of living this, doing this, creating this, and that's when you can start to take, you know, different action steps or or, you know, starting to shift maybe the mindset, because otherwise you're just looking for other people to do something and blaming other people.
• 16:26
  Speaker 3: And, yeah, so the first step is acknowledgement and ownership.
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I'm going to add to that You're never going to grow as a person if you're blaming everybody else.
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: Number one.
• 16:37
  Speaker 2: Number two is look in the mirror, because if you're frustrated frustrated it's generally something you can control, whether it be your thoughts, your actions or something.
• 16:47
  Speaker 2: Because let me share the secret, I'm going to get in the audience's face just a little bit.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: You can't change other people, you can only change yourself and your thoughts.
• 16:57
  Speaker 3: All right, and your and your podcast is called your Thoughts, your Reality.
• 17:02
  Speaker 3: Weird, that's clever.
• 17:05
  Speaker 1: Thank you.
• 17:06
  Speaker 3: Your thoughts couldn't create your reality.
• 17:08
  Speaker 3: Yeah, interesting, it is interesting.
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: So what are some steps that, again, when you're in it and you go, oh shit, or oh man, I'm here but I don't like it, so what are some initial thoughts or steps that you tell your clients or you use yourself?
• 17:33
  Speaker 2: Right, Because we're neuroencoders, we don't teach theory, we do these things ourselves.
• 17:36
  Speaker 2: What are some initial things that you tips, that you, or coaching things that you give to your clients or use yourself?
• 17:45
  Speaker 3: things that you give to your clients or use yourself.
• 17:47
  Speaker 3: So let's assume, like, let's set a foundation, okay, we've had that awareness right, that we're in the land of suck.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: And then we also have the awareness that I need to acknowledge this is me, this is my reality, this is, you know, I created this.
• 18:07
  Speaker 3: In a sense, I'm responsible for this, or I'm responsible for how this goes, moving forward, right, in that case, there's a couple of different paths, they crisscross, but I would say discussing the kind of human, the psychology, I guess behind it, like your thoughts, your reality.
• 18:35
  Speaker 3: But where do thoughts lead to?
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 18:37
  Speaker 3: So, having a discussion about?
• 18:39
  Speaker 3: Okay, so you're thinking these things, right, you're thinking about you're in the land of stuff.
• 18:43
  Speaker 3: You're thinking that life is terrible, unfair, or your wife is this, or your husband is that, or your children.
• 18:47
  Speaker 3: You're thinking that life is terrible, unfair, or your wife is this, or your husband is that, or your children.
• 18:49
  Speaker 3: You're thinking, okay, well, what does that lead to?
• 18:52
  Speaker 3: And not to give the game away, but… Give the game away, go ahead, all right.
• 18:59
  Speaker 3: Thinking leads to feeling right.
• 19:01
  Speaker 3: Yes, and we have a little poem that as we think, so we feel right, and that's a really powerful tool.
• 19:09
  Speaker 3: It sounds simple, and it is.
• 19:13
  Speaker 3: It's just not so easy to recall it when you're going through a thought pattern of you know, like blaming yourself or blaming somebody else, you know getting angry.
• 19:22
  Speaker 3: That's the emotion part, but the thought will always come first and then it will a feeling and can I?
• 19:29
  Speaker 2: can I just add something really quick, so something that I use a lot of times if I feel icky, I feel angsty, I feel crappy.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: That's my check mark of what am I thinking?
• 19:40
  Speaker 2: Exactly yeah, and is it real?
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: I mean, is it going to matter in six months?
• 19:45
  Speaker 2: Is this, is this a real thing?
• 19:48
  Speaker 2: Or just my mind going?
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: That's right, so that's that's the next step.
• 19:54
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so you notice the feeling and then I ask my clients to keep a feeling slash thought journal so they they write down the feeling they had and then, as quickly as possible, they try to what was the thought I had prior?
• 20:09
  Speaker 3: So then they have a list of feelings and triggers.
• 20:13
  Speaker 3: Essentially that's what they'll end up having is, and then they can go back and then, as coaching progresses, you can start work on those thoughts.
• 20:21
  Speaker 3: You can start okay, that's not the thought you want because it creates that feeling.
• 20:25
  Speaker 3: What's the feeling you want to have?
• 20:27
  Speaker 3: Okay, what do I need to believe?
• 20:30
  Speaker 3: Or what do I need to think to feel that way?
• 20:32
  Speaker 3: And we've all had all feelings right by our age.
• 20:37
  Speaker 3: We've had, hopefully, at least the plethora of feelings that are available to us as humans.
• 20:44
  Speaker 2: And Andrew really quick.
• 20:47
  Speaker 2: Can you just explain some of those feelings or just talk about just so that people understand what you mean by feelings?
• 20:54
  Speaker 3: So the feelings, you know feeling well, feeling happy, feeling elated, feeling excited, feeling passionate, feeling love and gratitude, right, those are the good feelings that we want, as opposed to the frustration, the anger, the judgment, the criticism, the, the doubt, the uncertainty.
• 21:13
  Speaker 3: Um, when you're in those feelings, what is it what's?
• 21:17
  Speaker 3: And it's not always opposite, right, the opposite of uncertainty is certainty, but that's not necessarily what you want, you.
• 21:23
  Speaker 3: You watch a movie because you want uncertainty, right.
• 21:27
  Speaker 3: But when you're on your way to work and you're uncertain about what your boss is going to say to you because it's a monday, and well, monday, suck, you know, whatever.
• 21:34
  Speaker 3: Then what feeling do you want?
• 21:37
  Speaker 3: Well, it's not certainty, it's excitement, or it's, it's, it's anticipation, like a joyous anticipation.
• 21:44
  Speaker 3: So, so it's, it's not always opposites, um, but it is a question of acknowledging or owning.
• 21:51
  Speaker 3: How do you want to feel?
• 21:53
  Speaker 3: And then asking yourself what do I need to think for that to be, for that to be true, for that Absolutely.
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: Absolutely Love it, thank you, thank you.
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: And it's the emotions really.
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: I mean mean it's.
• 22:05
  Speaker 2: And you nailed that list, buddy.
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: You nailed all the big ones, that's for sure.
• 22:11
  Speaker 2: So thank you.
• 22:12
  Speaker 2: So, so we have those feelings and then please continue, if you will.
• 22:16
  Speaker 3: Yeah, so I mean one one thing.
• 22:18
  Speaker 3: You said the E word, the emotions, and for me, with with my clients, I try to also distinguish with them your emotions, and please correct me in the comments if I'm getting these the wrong way around.
• 22:32
  Speaker 3: It's pretty early slash, late for me, but I believe the correct way is your emotions are physical, they are a reaction to something.
• 22:42
  Speaker 3: So fear is your emotion and then your feeling is to be like scared or excited about attacking or defending or running away.
• 22:52
  Speaker 3: You're going to have your emotions, whether you like it or not.
• 22:56
  Speaker 3: That's just part of being human, unless you're a sociopath, I suppose, but hopefully not Should we talk about that.
• 23:04
  Speaker 3: No, next time, I'm not qualified yet for that.
• 23:08
  Speaker 3: Stay tuned, stay tuned, yeah.
• 23:10
  Speaker 3: And from what I've heard, the science says that you have about 90 seconds to run through that emotion and then it's whether you believe it or not.
• 23:20
  Speaker 3: It's a choice to maintain it and or shift.
• 23:24
  Speaker 3: So you get that feeling, you sit in it.
• 23:28
  Speaker 3: Ideally, don't react, acknowledge it.
• 23:31
  Speaker 3: Okay, I'm feeling pretty pissed off right now.
• 23:39
  Speaker 2: Go away.
• 23:39
  Speaker 3: Go ahead 90 seconds, right.
• 23:41
  Speaker 3: And then do I want to feel this.
• 23:44
  Speaker 3: No, how do I want to feel.
• 23:45
  Speaker 3: I want to feel this.
• 23:46
  Speaker 3: No, how do I want to feel.
• 23:47
  Speaker 3: I want to feel curious, like why is this person not moving when it's a green light?
• 23:52
  Speaker 3: I wonder if they're having a family problem.
• 23:54
  Speaker 3: I wonder if they're having a mental having a breakdown.
• 23:57
  Speaker 3: I should get out my car and knock on the window and be like are you okay, buddy?
• 23:59
  Speaker 3: You know, I don't know.
• 24:01
  Speaker 3: Like get curious instead of frustrated, right that after that 90 seconds, you get to then make choices.
• 24:07
  Speaker 3: And I frustrated, right that after that 90 seconds, you get to then make choices.
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: And I think choices is possibly a segue into what we're going to talk about next, but well, I mean go for it.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: Um.
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: So, yeah, be curious, not critical, absolutely, because it changes the game right, absolutely so great point, and thank you for bringing up all that, uh, strategic information for how to get out of that funk and how to get there.
• 24:29
  Speaker 2: So, hey, let's talk about choices, shall we?
• 24:33
  Speaker 3: That's a great idea.
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: Choice Like.
• 24:34
  Speaker 3: Is life a choice?
• 24:36
  Speaker 3: I believe it is.
• 24:38
  Speaker 3: I believe everything.
• 24:39
  Speaker 3: Whether you're a determinist or not, you know, no matter your philosophy, I believe that we're always at turning points, we're always at crossroads and whether you're going to end up at the same place or not, there's different ways to get there and when you are in a negative emotion.
• 25:08
  Speaker 3: you get to run it through and then you get to make a choice of how you want to feel, and I believe, knowing that is possibly even the pinnacle, you know, the most essential thing to know is that you do have a choice in all aspects of your life.
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, you wake up in the morning.
• 25:24
  Speaker 2: You have a choice whether you're going to wake up and have a good day or sit there in bed and eat Snickers and watch Game of Thrones.
• 25:32
  Speaker 3: And that could be the best day of your life, to be honest.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: Don't know until you do it right, but that's it right.
• 25:38
  Speaker 2: It's all about choices, just like I use all the time the veteran that comes out of the military and his definitions that he's given his service compared to another veteran, and the choices and that's a choice, right?
• 25:50
  Speaker 3: that definition of what has happened is that choice and they go in totally opposite directions yeah and that's everybody, not just veterans it reminds me of another, another saying I I think it came from the Institute that nothing, nothing has meaning apart from the meaning you give it.
• 26:07
  Speaker 3: And if you don't give meaning to something, then somebody else will put a meaning on it for you.
• 26:14
  Speaker 3: Right and and just, you know, again, and like, I'm very wary of not speaking at veterans and we are speaking to the veterans and I, I hope you know what I say is helpful, but it is, you know, for civilian life.
• 26:32
  Speaker 3: It is putting the right meaning on what I'm doing.
• 26:35
  Speaker 3: Right, it is making the choice to say what this, what I'm doing right now, is helpful, what I'm doing right now is earnest and yeah, absolutely Because otherwise somebody else will put a meaning on it for me and be like no, what you're doing is hurtful and harmful and you're an asshole.
• 26:54
  Speaker 3: And I'm like, well, I guess that's true, because I'm not going to, I'm not putting any opinion on it, so I'm going to believe what they say.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: Creating identity.
• 27:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I think it's the perception of each person, right?
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: So let me.
• 27:12
  Speaker 2: We're getting close to the end of the show.
• 27:14
  Speaker 2: This has been fantastic.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: I know Time flies when you're having fun, brother, exactly so I'd like to, first of all, a couple of tips.
• 27:28
  Speaker 2: I always do three tips.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: This is our thing.
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: Three tips to get veterans, their families, further, faster, just when they're stuck.
• 27:39
  Speaker 2: And I know we've been through some.
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: Feel free to reuse and just recap.
• 27:43
  Speaker 2: It's fine, but three tips.
• 27:48
  Speaker 3: Go through the process of acknowledging what you're feeling.
• 27:53
  Speaker 3: I would say, do the feeling journal, so that can be counted as two steps, I suppose.
• 27:58
  Speaker 3: Acknowledge the feeling that you're having and then in time, in step-by-step, find the thought you had that triggered that feeling.
• 28:08
  Speaker 3: So acknowledge your feelings, sit in it, bear in mind that you have choice after that 90 seconds to two minutes, that you know you naturally have to sit in that feeling that you can't control that part.
• 28:21
  Speaker 3: But there's a point in time where you start to realize like, oh, do I have to feel this way?
• 28:26
  Speaker 3: And then think of the thought that triggered that and then ask yourself is this what I want to think?
• 28:33
  Speaker 3: What can I think differently?
• 28:34
  Speaker 3: How can I think differently?
• 28:36
  Speaker 3: And then the third thing which we didn't really get into is identity.
• 28:39
  Speaker 3: Who do you want to be?
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: Ask yourself, like when you say in the morning, do I want to eat Snickers and lie in bed all day watching Game of Thrones, or do I want to go and exercise and climb a mountain?
• 28:48
  Speaker 3: Who do you want to be?
• 28:50
  Speaker 3: Do you want to be the happy guy?
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: Do you want to be the sad guy?
• 28:53
  Speaker 3: And then you can start work on that, make a decision on who you are and who you want to be.
• 29:00
  Speaker 3: It can't be undone, but the future is unwritten, so make a decision.
• 29:06
  Speaker 2: Amen, don't look in the rearview mirror, you're going to crash.
• 29:08
  Speaker 2: Look out front, I love it.
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: I love it, man.
• 29:11
  Speaker 2: So, andrew, you know people feeling stuck, age regardless how do the people reach you if they want to reach out?
• 29:21
  Speaker 3: Yeah, search.
• 29:22
  Speaker 3: You can find me with Andrew Michael Horton on Facebook.
• 29:25
  Speaker 3: I also go by OG Coach Ordinary Guy Coach.
• 29:29
  Speaker 3: I coach ordinary guys to live extraordinary lives, and recently I've created the Extraordinary Men's Network, which is a Facebook community for men.
• 29:41
  Speaker 3: Excellent so all of those ways.
• 29:44
  Speaker 2: And if you will tell us just really quickly 10, 15 seconds, if you can, a little bit more about that Facebook group.
• 29:51
  Speaker 3: Yeah, it's okay if we run longer, it's okay, it's pretty much about what we've been talking about.
• 29:58
  Speaker 3: It's getting.
• 29:59
  Speaker 3: It's for guys who are in the suckiness, who are trying to get out of it, and it's for the guys who have that service kind of leadership mindset where they want to help.
• 30:11
  Speaker 3: They've been through it, they've been through the struggles you know they're surviving and thriving now and they want to give back and share and it's a safe space.
• 30:22
  Speaker 3: So it's for men, not because we don't like women.
• 30:24
  Speaker 3: We love women Most of us.
• 30:27
  Speaker 3: It's for men, not because we don't like women.
• 30:29
  Speaker 3: We love women most of us.
• 30:30
  Speaker 3: It's a safe space for men to talk about the struggles and troubles that they might feel just a little bit too vulnerable to share with.
• 30:36
  Speaker 3: You know their mom, their aunt, their sister.
• 30:38
  Speaker 3: Because you know social media, things spread like wildfire.
• 30:41
  Speaker 3: So this is a community that's closed, where people can share what's on their heart and get help when they need it.
• 30:49
  Speaker 3: Create community Communities help my life immensely.
• 30:52
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't have been able to make the changes that I've made in my life without having a community of people who resonate both with what I'm saying and even more so when I first heard someone tell my story and I was like how did you read my diary, like how do you know what I've been through?
• 31:09
  Speaker 3: Like when I first heard that and I'm getting God bumps, goosebumps now just thinking about it, because it's life-changing, like to to know that you're not the only one going through what you're going through and that they've come out the other side.
• 31:21
  Speaker 3: It's a it's absolutely fantastic.
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: And you know again I'm going to go back to veterans here so when, when veterans get out and they, they, they lose that camaraderie.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: You know there's more more things out there.
• 31:34
  Speaker 2: You know support family member, get into those groups, keep that connection.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: You know we have two groups ourselves for veterans and veterans families.
• 31:52
  Speaker 2: Get in there and just be, talk, you know, be vulnerable.
• 31:59
  Speaker 2: It's a loving space where you know we're there for each other.
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: So please get in there.
• 32:05
  Speaker 2: So thank you, andrew, you've been amazing, my friend, insightful as hell, appreciate you.
• 32:11
  Speaker 2: So I like to say you know I say it every day, or every podcast, I should say is you know, as human beings, time is the most precious resource we have.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: We don't get it back.
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: And thank you for spending going on 33 minutes on camera here to help veterans and families and people in general.
• 32:28
  Speaker 2: So thank you, it's been an honor, my pleasure, michael.
• 32:30
  Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me and letting me share my thoughts and my reality.
• 32:35
  Speaker 2: Dun-dun Weird how that works.
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: So I just want everybody to check out the QR code blue QR code in the top right-hand corner of your screen.
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: Scan that.
• 32:48
  Speaker 2: There is all kinds of resources at Empower Performance Strategies.
• 32:52
  Speaker 2: There's free eBooks, there are again resource page, there's trainings, there's all kinds of stuff.
• 32:59
  Speaker 2: So reach out, don't sit in the corner.
• 33:02
  Speaker 2: Make a change today.
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: All right, thank you, andrew, really appreciate you.
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: We'll have you back on my right.
• 33:06
  Speaker 2: Thank you, andrew, really appreciate you.
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: We'll have you back on my friend.
• 33:10
  Speaker 3: Thank you very much, Michael.
• 33:11
  Speaker 2: We are out of here.
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: Thank you for joining us on another insightful journey of your thoughts your reality podcast with your host, michael Cole.
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: We hope the conversation sparked some thoughts that resonate with you.
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: To dive deeper into empowering your thoughts and enhancing your reality, visit empowerperformancestrategiescom.
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: Remember your thoughts shape your reality, so make them count.
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: Until next time, stay inspired and keep creating the reality you desire.
• 33:42
  Speaker 1: Catch you on the next episode.