Latest / Divorce Coaches Academy / 5 Ways Clients Unintentionally Make Divorce Conflict Worse (And How to Shift It)
Transcript
- Tracy Callahan: Thank you for listening to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast. For more insights and training, visit divorcecoachesacademy.com. Welcome to Divorce Coaches Academy podcast, where we explore the role of divorce coaching in conflict resolution, decision making, and navigating divorce with clarity and intention. Debra Doak: Hi everyone, welcome back to the Divorce Coaches Academy podcast, or welcome if it's your first time here. Deborah, and today I want to talk about something that sits right at the center of almost every divorce conversation, and that's ⁓ during conflict. More specifically, we're going to explore why communication breaks down, even between ⁓ people who at one point likely communicated just fine. And we're going to look at what's really happening underneath the surface when conversations escalate and set a resolve. If you're a divorce coach, this episode is going to feel very familiar. And if you're someone navigating divorce, you may hear your own experiences reflected in what I'm going to talk about today. Because here's the truth. Most conflict in divorce is not actually about the topic being discussed. It's not really about the parenting schedule or the finances or the house. about how those conversations unfold and how quickly they can go sideways. So today I'm gonna walk you through the top five reasons communication breaks down during conflict. I'm gonna share some real life scenarios. ⁓ talk about different conflict styles and I'll weave in how divorce coaches help clients navigate when... Communication just feels like it's making everything worse instead of better. So let's start by grounding this in reality. In most divorces, communication is not optional. Even if the relationship's ending, the need to communicate continues. are two people who still have to make decisions, exchange information, co-parent, and move through a legal and financial process together. And the challenge is trying to do all of that while in conflict. That is a very different skill set than communicating when things are calm. And most people have never been taught how to do that. So what happens instead is that people fall back on instinct. And instinct, especially under stress, is always helpful. So let's start with the first reason communication breaks down. The first is emotional flooding. This is one of the most important concepts to understand because it explains so much of what our clients experience. flooding is when someone becomes so overwhelmed physiologically and emotionally that they can no longer engage in productive communication. This isn't just about being upset. This is about the nervous system becoming activated. Heart rate increases. breathing changes and the brain shifts into a threat response. that point, logic takes a backseat. You hear clients say something like, I went into the conversation feeling pretty calm and I knew exactly what I wanted to say. Within a few minutes, I was completely overwhelmed reacting. I actually don't even remember what I said. That's flooding. And once someone's flooded, the goal of the conversation changes. no longer about resolution. It's about protection. So what does that look like? What can look like interrupting, raising your voice, jumping from topic to topic, or bringing up past issues that weren't even part of the original conversation? Let me give you an example. Let's say a client wants to talk about adjusting a parenting schedule. They bring it up calmly. but the other person hears something deeper, maybe a fear of losing time with their children. That triggers a stress response and suddenly that conversation escalates. Now they're arguing about control, fairness and past behavior instead of the schedule itself. As a divorce coach, this is where you help clients slow things down. you help them recognize the early warning signs, the early warning signs for themselves. You can help them identify triggers help them understand that often pushing through a conversation when they're flooded is not productive. Sometimes the most strategic move is to pause, ⁓ Maybe you and a client can come up with ⁓ specific script they can say, something like, I really want to have this conversation, but I can feel it escalating. Let's take a break and come back to it. That's not avoidance, that's regulation, okay? The second reason communication breaks down is different conflict styles. everyone approaches conflict the same way. And this is something that creates tension often before the conversation even really begins. Some people move toward conflict. ⁓ Other people move away from it. So let's talk about a few common styles. Avoiders tend to withdraw. They need space to process. They may delay conversations because they don't want to say the wrong thing or make things worse. ⁓ the other hand, want to resolve things quickly. Waiting increases anxiety, so they push for immediate discussion. Then we have escalators. These are folks who increase intensity really quickly accommodators who to smooth things over often at their own expense. Now, imagine pursuer and an avoider in the same conversation. The pursuer says, we need to talk about this right now. The avoider says, need some time. pursuer hears that ⁓ as not caring. And the avoider experiences the pressure from the pursuer as overwhelming. And just like that, both people feel misunderstood. As a divorce coach, you help clients kind of depersonalize this dynamic and maybe help them get to a place of almost cognitive empathy, where instead of thinking, they're ignoring me, you help them be able to say to themselves, ⁓ I'm just noticing. that this person processes differently than I do. We also might be able to help clients kind of adjust their approach a little bit. A pursuer might learn to tolerate a pause without escalating, right, distress tolerance. And an avoider might learn to communicate kind of a clear return time so the pursuer isn't left hanging. Maybe I need an hour and then I can come back to this. These small shifts can completely change how a conversation unfolds. Now, the third reason communication breaks down is that people listen to respond instead of listening to understand. Man is this common. conflict, most people are not truly listening. They are preparing their response. They're thinking about how to defend themselves ⁓ how to correct the other person. So even if they're quiet, they're actually taking in what's being said. Here's a simple example. Maybe one spouse says, I feel like I've been handling most of the responsibilities with the kids." the other immediately responds, that's not true. I took them to soccer practice last week. Now, conversation has shifted from understanding to defending. And once that happens, man, it can be really difficult to get things to move forward. As a divorce coach, we can help slow this down. We might teach our clients the skill of reflective listening. So reflecting back what they heard before they respond. Something as simple as, what I'm hearing you say is that you've been feeling overwhelmed with the kids. Is that right? It's not agreeing. It's just confirming. It's just reflecting back what I heard. And that can change the entire tone of the conversation. Because when people feel heard, they become less defensive. But when they feel dismissed, they escalate. fourth reason communication breaks down is unclear or unspoken expectations. Lots conflicts get rooted here. People have expectations, but maybe they haven't clearly communicated them, or maybe their partner or co-parent hasn't agreed to them, or they assume some of the other person should know what the expectations are. Okay? Then what happens is when those expectations are met, and resentment build. Okay? For example, maybe one parent expected to be consulted before a child got signed up for an activity, as long as it's on their parenting time. The other might think it's fine to make that decision independently. Maybe there was never a shared agreement. Sidebar, argument for very detailed parenting plans. Okay? But this maybe wasn't a shared agreement, just two different assumptions about how things should work. And now there's conflict, okay? As a divorce coach, we help clients move from assumptions to clarity. Remember our clarity framework. And you can help guide them to be specific. Instead of saying, never include me, maybe it's more along the lines of, I'd like us to agree that we check in. before making decisions about our kids' extracurricular activities. we say all the time, clarity and detail reduces unnecessary conflict. The reason communication breaks down is ⁓ the behind the words. People don't just react to what's said, they react to what they believe it means. maybe one spouse says we should sell the house. What the other one here? You don't care about our family and all the memories we've built here. These are very different experiences of the same statement. And now the emotional intensity makes sense, but the conversation very difficult to navigate. As a divorce coach, we're going to help clients separate facts from interpretation or what we in the training call the assumption iceberg. Right. So we might ask our client, what are you making that mean? When your spouse said, I think we should sell the house. What are you making that mean? Or what's the story you're telling yourself about that? This creates the space maybe for alternative interpretations that can take down that emotional reactivity. Now, when these breakdowns happen repeatedly, they don't just stay as isolated incidents. They form patterns and those patterns become cycles. person raises a concern, the other gets defensive, the first escalates to be heard, the second withdraws or escalates in return. Both people walk away feeling frustrated and misunderstood. Over time, What happens is these cycles create a sense of hopelessness. Clients start to believe that communication is impossible. And this is where it really becomes important to talk about the risk of continuing these unhealthy conflict patterns. Because there's a cost, Prolonged legal processes. When communication escalates, even simple decisions become complicated. And what could have been resolved? and one conversation turns into attorney interactions, delays and increased conflict. Financial strain. When clients rely on attorneys to manage every interaction and communication, then every exchange has a cost over time that can significantly impact their financial resources then their ability to move forward after the divorce. And third is the impact on the children. Children are really incredibly perceptive. I don't think we give them enough credit sometimes because even if the conflict is not happening directly in front of them, they feel the tension, they observe tone, they see withdrawal, they notice emotional distance, and that can affect their sense of security and how they learn to navigate relationships. ⁓ thing that comes up then is the entrenchment of positions. As conflict continues, people become more and more rigid. They become less willing to compromise. The focus shifts from resolution to winning, and then that makes settlement more and more difficult. And fifth, there's an emotional and physical toll. Ongoing conflict is exhausting. It can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and difficulty then making these clear decisions that need to be made. And finally, these patterns of conflict don't just stay in the divorce. They carry forward into co-parenting relationships, future partnerships, even professional interactions. the work of shifting communication is not just about the present moment. It's about long-term change. And brings us to the role of the divorce coach. As a divorce coach, you're helping clients do something different. You're not trying to help them fix the other person, right? You're helping them understand the patterns, helping them regulate their own responses and helping them communicate more strategically. We hold up that mirror so they can see the cycle that they've been stuck in, help them take ownership of their own role without slipping into blame, right? So that we can help them shift from reactive communication to intentional communication. We often give them language when they don't know what to say. We help them figure out the words they want to use to express themselves, okay? And help them reduce this emotional intensity so they can engage more effectively. Sometimes that looks like modeling language for a client. Sometimes it looks like helping them draft a text message. Sometimes it's preparing them for a conversation. So it's helping them make the decision to not engage, especially in a moment that would likely escalate. And all of that creates change. Now, I want to take a few extra minutes here to really ground this pardon me, ⁓ we wrap up. Because what we've talked about today, this is what our clients are living every They're having conversations that go off track. They're feeling misunderstood. They're trying to fix something and unintentionally making it worse, right? And without support, they often come to believe that the communication itself is the problem. But communication isn't the problem. It's the way it's happening under stress, without tools, without awareness, and without structure. Our role is never to try to eliminate conflict. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship, especially in divorce. role is to help clients move through the conflict differently, to slow things down, to create clarity, to reduce unnecessary escalation. And I don't know, one of the most powerful things about this work is that it doesn't require perfection. It requires small intentional shifts, a pause instead of a reaction. a clear message instead of an emotional one, a willingness to step back and reset instead of pushing through. These shifts may seem small, but they have a ripple effect. They change conversations, they reduce tension, they improve outcomes. And even if the other person doesn't change right away, dynamics begin to shift. You're also providing something that many clients haven't experienced in a long, long time, which is being heard without judgment. And that alone can change how they show up in their interactions. ⁓ communication feels like the hardest part of divorce, that's not a sign that something's wrong. It's a sign that this is where the work is. This where transformation happens, not in agreements. but in how people learn to navigate difficult conversations. this is work you feel drawn to, helping clients navigate conflict with more clarity, confidence, and skill, I want to invite you to learn more about our Divorce Coach Certification Program. The next cohort is going to begin the week of April 19th. So love for you to check that out. If you're mired down in the divorce process and you some support, you can find a conflict resolution focused divorce coach on our coach locator. You can get information about our coaches and our training program at divorcecoachesacademy.com. And if you're already a certified coach, let this be a reminder. When communication feels like it's breaking down, that's often the moment where your impact matters most. Thanks for joining me today. We'll see you next week.