Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 374. How do I repair a friendship? + How to get over when someone leaves you for "bad timing" (Head Noise)

Transcript

374. How do I repair a friendship? + How to get over when someone leaves you for "bad timing" (Head Noise) · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:12
Speaker 1: Hello, my beautiful beans, and welcome to the podcast episode
0:15
Speaker 1: of today. So this is a head Noise episode. I'm
0:17
Speaker 1: doing two parts today to this episode, just because you
0:20
Speaker 1: guys have been on one lately sending in epic questions
0:26
Speaker 1: voicemails like I've gotten so many voicemails as of late,
0:30
Speaker 1: and I just want to get through as many as
0:33
Speaker 1: possible and answer as many of your questions as possible,
0:36
Speaker 1: and obviously for your sake, I want to answer your question.
0:38
Speaker 1: But these questions are such like they're fucking gold, and
0:42
Speaker 1: I feel like so many people are going through what
0:44
Speaker 1: you're going through or some something similar or something that
0:47
Speaker 1: my advice could translate across to what they're going through. So,
0:50
Speaker 1: as always, huge appreciation for sending through all the questions.
0:53
Speaker 1: They're amazing. So this part we're going to do the
0:56
Speaker 1: emailed in questions. I'm going to be reading out the questions.
0:59
Speaker 1: I've got four. I'm going to try and get through four,
1:01
Speaker 1: maybe three, hopefully four. And then part two, which I
1:04
Speaker 1: will be releasing straight away, is the voice male questions
1:09
Speaker 1: that have been written in. So life update, all is well,
1:13
Speaker 1: Life is great. I don't have a pet hate today
1:15
Speaker 1: because I'm just absolutely loving life, so I want to
1:18
Speaker 1: kind of go straight fucking into it. Also, some of
1:21
Speaker 1: your titles for your questions, I like fucking rolling on
1:26
Speaker 1: the floor laughing because we've got what is wrong with me?
1:29
Speaker 1: Why do my friends annoy me? Hi Alexis, we're just
1:33
Speaker 1: diving straight into heaven yet realized? Hi Alexis long term
1:36
Speaker 1: listening here, love love, love of the podcast and everything
1:38
Speaker 1: you do. So grateful for your guidance. I have a
1:41
Speaker 1: listener question. I have a small friendship group, mostly people
1:45
Speaker 1: have made friendships with through my ex partners and new partner.
1:49
Speaker 1: In particular, this year, I've noticed that some of these
1:51
Speaker 1: friends really piss me off for no good reason. For example,
1:56
Speaker 1: they may say something so innocent or matter of fact
1:58
Speaker 1: and it annoys me, And I think if the reason
2:01
Speaker 1: as to why they're wrong or how stupid the comment is,
2:03
Speaker 1: or that they're attention seeking. Don't get me wrong, I
2:06
Speaker 1: love my friends, but why do I suddenly feel this
2:09
Speaker 1: way about multiple of them while other friends I have
2:12
Speaker 1: never felt this way about. I really don't want these
2:15
Speaker 1: things to ruin the friendship, but I can't seem to
2:17
Speaker 1: get over it, work through it, or work out what
2:19
Speaker 1: the underlying issue is I'm worried that my friends have
2:22
Speaker 1: noticed my change in behavior as well as I'm a
2:24
Speaker 1: lot more distant, don't ask to do things as much,
2:28
Speaker 1: and I am quite blunt. One of these friends, in particular,
2:32
Speaker 1: I would say, was my best friend last year, and
2:34
Speaker 1: now I find it hard to even fake a nice
2:36
Speaker 1: conversation with her without feeling this pissed off feeling. I
2:41
Speaker 1: don't want to feel this way forever, and I don't
2:43
Speaker 1: know what's wrong with me to feel like this. I
2:45
Speaker 1: feel like a terrible person and friend. Help. Okay, great question,
2:51
Speaker 1: Also wild that you're going through this. I think, look,
2:56
Speaker 1: there's a few things that you're going to have to do.
2:57
Speaker 1: You're going to have to really I know you say
2:59
Speaker 1: you can't work up the underlying feeling, but you need
3:01
Speaker 1: to do a little bit of an inventory here when firstly,
3:05
Speaker 1: when did it start to change? Okay, like when was
3:07
Speaker 1: the turning point? Can you pinpoint at what point these
3:11
Speaker 1: people started to annoy you? Then you've got to understand
3:14
Speaker 1: that this frustration or this like you are pissing me off,
3:20
Speaker 1: that is not a normal response to how you feel
3:22
Speaker 1: towards a friend when they say something that you say
3:25
Speaker 1: isn't like a big deal. They might just say, like
3:27
Speaker 1: you literally said in this thing. They may say something
3:30
Speaker 1: so innocent or matter of fact, and it annoys me.
3:33
Speaker 1: I think if the reasons as to why they're wrong
3:35
Speaker 1: or how stupid their comment is that their attention seeking.
3:37
Speaker 1: So there is frustration aimed at them. So you've got
3:43
Speaker 1: to ask yourself why is this frustration happening? Because that
3:46
Speaker 1: emotion that you're feeling is a secondary response to an
3:50
Speaker 1: underlying thing that has caused this. You are either feeling
3:55
Speaker 1: and I'm not saying this is what you're feeling. I'm
3:56
Speaker 1: just giving. I'm just rattling off a bunch of things.
3:58
Speaker 1: You are. You feel jealous, you feel like it's highlighting
4:03
Speaker 1: something in you, like you're not good enough, or a
4:05
Speaker 1: flaw in you. You feel that you're competing, You feel
4:08
Speaker 1: that they're trying to compete against you. You might feel
4:11
Speaker 1: threatened by them, you feel that they have done something wrong.
4:15
Speaker 1: So there's all these reasons why we would then just
4:19
Speaker 1: immediately get pissed off when someone just starts talking to us.
4:22
Speaker 1: Getting pissed off for no reason. That's not possible, It's
4:26
Speaker 1: not normal. There has to be something that has set
4:29
Speaker 1: this off. Maybe it could be their relationship with each
4:32
Speaker 1: other has made you feel like an outsider, or their
4:35
Speaker 1: relationship with your partner. There's something there, and you need
4:38
Speaker 1: to do some digging. Okay, that's the first thing. You
4:42
Speaker 1: have to do some digging because if you this is
4:44
Speaker 1: not just gonna go away, and the thing is that
4:46
Speaker 1: you're thinking about it more and more, so it's probably
4:48
Speaker 1: gonna exacerbate it more and more. It's gonna be piercing
4:51
Speaker 1: you off. And because like attracts like you, it's gonna
4:53
Speaker 1: be blowing up, blowing up, and then you're anticipating this feeling. Ah,
4:57
Speaker 1: she always annoys me when she says that she's gonna
4:58
Speaker 1: come to gonna say, You're gonna be even more annoy Okay. Now,
5:01
Speaker 1: the beauty of this is that a lot of the times,
5:03
Speaker 1: the thing, the underlying emotion might actually be quite small,
5:06
Speaker 1: and all it takes is being like, oh, okay, that's
5:09
Speaker 1: what it was. And I was letting this thing brew
5:11
Speaker 1: up inside me because I wasn't addressing it. I was
5:14
Speaker 1: lashing out in these ways because it just didn't sit
5:17
Speaker 1: right with me. But now that I'm aware of it
5:19
Speaker 1: and I'm able to either compartmentalize it or justify it,
5:23
Speaker 1: or I'm able to, you know, reason with why that
5:27
Speaker 1: thing happened in the first place. Then I'm actually not
5:29
Speaker 1: that pissed off anymore. Okay. Maybe you're annoyed with how
5:32
Speaker 1: they carry themselves because it no longer aligns with how
5:36
Speaker 1: you carry yourself. Maybe you see that they do things
5:38
Speaker 1: in your life that you're like, morally, we're not the
5:40
Speaker 1: same person. So that's why I'm pissed off at you.
5:42
Speaker 1: So you could be saying that's completely irrelevant to the
5:45
Speaker 1: actions that have originally annoyed me, but I'm just pissed
5:47
Speaker 1: off at you in general. Okay, So that's the first
5:50
Speaker 1: thing that I would recommend you do. The next thing
5:52
Speaker 1: that I recommend you do is that you then try
5:54
Speaker 1: to realize is this friendship something that I'm just outgrowing anyway? Okay?
6:00
Speaker 1: So there might have been things that have caused you
6:02
Speaker 1: to be like, this is annoying whatever, And because you're
6:04
Speaker 1: trying to force the friendship to stay the same, it
6:08
Speaker 1: is maybe causing you more anger and more animosity towards
6:13
Speaker 1: the friendship because you're like, I'm forcing something that doesn't
6:15
Speaker 1: really exist there anymore. A lot of the time, we
6:18
Speaker 1: grow in our separate directions with our friends, but we
6:21
Speaker 1: feel like the friendship has to stay the same. It's
6:23
Speaker 1: kind of like a romantic relationship. You know, sometimes you're
6:26
Speaker 1: going to grow apart, and not one person has done
6:28
Speaker 1: something right or wrong. You are completely in your right
6:31
Speaker 1: to grow. That person is completely in the right not to.
6:34
Speaker 1: But you end up into two completely different places. And
6:36
Speaker 1: that's when a lot of relationships dissolve and no fault
6:40
Speaker 1: of anyone. So friendships go through that as well. But
6:43
Speaker 1: we because with relationships it's often very black and white.
6:48
Speaker 1: With a friendship, it's kind of like, yeah, but I
6:50
Speaker 1: can still have you as a friend because I have
6:53
Speaker 1: many friends and it's not an exclusive thing. It's not
6:56
Speaker 1: it's not like all or nothing kind of thing. And
6:58
Speaker 1: then it can cause a lot of like or underlying
7:00
Speaker 1: frustration and a lot of tension. So you've got to
7:03
Speaker 1: ask yourself, maybe I need to change what category this
7:06
Speaker 1: friend is. And I've got a whole episode on like
7:09
Speaker 1: friendship categories where there's like good times friends, there's like
7:11
Speaker 1: inner circle friends, whatever, And maybe simply just by changing
7:14
Speaker 1: what this friend represents in your life, you're not going
7:16
Speaker 1: to have so many big emotions towards why you're so
7:19
Speaker 1: angry at them, But I think ultimately you need to
7:23
Speaker 1: kind of look at what is really the underlying cause.
7:27
Speaker 1: Because there is an underlying cause, this would not just
7:30
Speaker 1: manifest out of anything. And you've got to go broad
7:33
Speaker 1: with your thinking. Don't be like, oh, they've they've wronged me,
7:36
Speaker 1: and so think like do I envy them? Am I
7:40
Speaker 1: annoyed it? How they're speaking to people that are close
7:42
Speaker 1: to me? Do I feel left out? Like? Just get
7:44
Speaker 1: you don't have to admit this to anyone. Just be
7:46
Speaker 1: really honest with yourself. Get to the bottom of like
7:49
Speaker 1: where these are you hurt, and that's going to really
7:52
Speaker 1: help come you know, create a solution for you. Another
7:55
Speaker 1: thing to think about is if you do come up
7:57
Speaker 1: with something you're like, that's what it was, that's what
7:59
Speaker 1: it is, then you can actually workshop it. Whether you
8:01
Speaker 1: talk to them about it or not, you can workshop
8:03
Speaker 1: it in your head and come up with a solution like, oh, yeah,
8:06
Speaker 1: I actually did feel left out, but I realized that
8:08
Speaker 1: they're not actually excluding me because of all this evidence,
8:11
Speaker 1: So maybe I can actually like come to terms with that,
8:13
Speaker 1: acknowledge it, and now I can move past that roadblock,
8:16
Speaker 1: that mental block that I had. Hopefully that helped, because
8:20
Speaker 1: yet that's not a nice feeling to harbor, and that's
8:23
Speaker 1: not going to go away on its own, especially because it's,
8:25
Speaker 1: you know, causing you so much animosity. How can you
8:28
Speaker 1: The next question is, hi, Lexis this is all about heartbreak?
8:36
Speaker 1: Absolutely love the pot and everything you do, Dunkishan. My
8:40
Speaker 1: question is what are your step by step processes on
8:44
Speaker 1: overcoming a breakup? Doll? I have so many, so fucking many,
8:48
Speaker 1: especially on where the guy breaks up with you because
8:52
Speaker 1: he needs to work on himself. He also wanted us
8:55
Speaker 1: to work, but can't do both things at once. I
8:58
Speaker 1: know who I am, my situationship if you could call it,
9:02
Speaker 1: that didn't know who he was, and I could see
9:05
Speaker 1: it for a very long time. It's good that he's
9:07
Speaker 1: choosing himself even though I'm the exact routine and person
9:10
Speaker 1: he wants to be. He just doesn't want the help. Also,
9:14
Speaker 1: in addition, I have the lows from returning from a
9:17
Speaker 1: Europe trip with my bestie. Then he slept with me
9:20
Speaker 1: and spent the night with me. Next night, he had
9:22
Speaker 1: the chat but still wants us to still be around
9:25
Speaker 1: each other. It's all bad timing for him in his life,
9:28
Speaker 1: but I just can't help but feel broken. How would
9:31
Speaker 1: you jump into this? Okay, So the first thing that
9:34
Speaker 1: I'm gonna say to you is you need to go
9:36
Speaker 1: cold turkey. You need to go cold turkey. If there
9:41
Speaker 1: are many people out there that go through breakups and
9:44
Speaker 1: for whatever reason here or there, they can't completely cut
9:47
Speaker 1: this person off like they co parent for example, or
9:50
Speaker 1: you know, work situations, whatever. But if you are able
9:53
Speaker 1: to cut the can't off, okay. Number one. The second
9:59
Speaker 1: thing is, don't get fooled with this idea of timing. Okay,
10:06
Speaker 1: so many of us, so many years of people's lives, months, weeks, days,
10:12
Speaker 1: years of people's lives have been literally just spent waiting
10:18
Speaker 1: and hoping and being in denial or being delusional because
10:23
Speaker 1: of this idea of not the right timing. Okay, when
10:27
Speaker 1: someone says not the right timing, they are saying no, okay,
10:32
Speaker 1: they just don't want to say it because they're not
10:34
Speaker 1: trying to hurt you, and they might believe it too.
10:36
Speaker 1: I'm not saying that they're outright like just being an asshole.
10:40
Speaker 1: But what you need to interpret is if someone says, oh,
10:43
Speaker 1: the time is not right, just take it, translate it,
10:46
Speaker 1: put it through fucking Alexis translate and it's no, this
10:49
Speaker 1: is not fucking working. Okay, that's what you need to do.
10:53
Speaker 1: I'm not I'm done with this. Oh, the timing's not right.
10:57
Speaker 1: The time is now, Okay, that's all you're ever going
11:00
Speaker 1: to have is now. So someone's going through their own
11:03
Speaker 1: emotional journey. There is no end time. We're talking about
11:07
Speaker 1: something they need to discover within themselves. They weren't able
11:09
Speaker 1: to be with you, which is perfectly fine, there's nothing
11:11
Speaker 1: wrong with that. People have their own journeys that they
11:13
Speaker 1: need to go on, so that's okay. But and it's
11:16
Speaker 1: not making them a bad person. But for them, wrong
11:19
Speaker 1: timing means it's just not going to happen. And you
11:21
Speaker 1: might come to me and say, yes, well, Alexis owner
11:23
Speaker 1: people that have broken up worked on themselves and come
11:25
Speaker 1: back together. Yeah, and I also know a thousand who
11:27
Speaker 1: have not. Okay. So when these couples miraculously, you know,
11:32
Speaker 1: they have their time, it's quote unquite bad timing. They
11:35
Speaker 1: go and find themselves and then they meet together. They're
11:36
Speaker 1: meeting as different people, Okay, who they show up as
11:40
Speaker 1: the second time around, is completely different. So basically my
11:43
Speaker 1: answer to you is you never wait for the timing
11:46
Speaker 1: to be right. If someone doesn't want to be with you,
11:49
Speaker 1: I don't care how noble the reason is. It's not
11:51
Speaker 1: about hating on them. But if someone doesn't want to
11:54
Speaker 1: be with you because the timing is right, it means
11:56
Speaker 1: they do not want to be with you, or they
11:59
Speaker 1: do not have the capacity to be with you. And
12:02
Speaker 1: that is it. That is all the information you can take.
12:04
Speaker 1: You can go and embellish the story as much as
12:07
Speaker 1: you want, or you can bring in every example under
12:09
Speaker 1: the signers to pour this person and they're not ready
12:11
Speaker 1: for the help, but they need the help, and I
12:13
Speaker 1: am the way. And what if you've done, You've wasted
12:16
Speaker 1: a year if your time waiting and trying to justify
12:19
Speaker 1: why the timing may one day be right, it is finished,
12:21
Speaker 1: it's done. The time is now, And if the timing
12:25
Speaker 1: isn't right for them, I genuinely wish you the best,
12:27
Speaker 1: but it's not fucking right for me either, because the
12:30
Speaker 1: right timing for me is someone who shows up the
12:32
Speaker 1: way I'm willing to show up. If they're not willing
12:34
Speaker 1: to show up, no matter how much I like you,
12:36
Speaker 1: it's not the fucking right timing. There is so much
12:38
Speaker 1: more to a compatible relationship than love. You might love someone,
12:42
Speaker 1: but they're not showing up for you the way you
12:44
Speaker 1: need to. They're relationships. Do you know what? You know?
12:47
Speaker 1: When people say our relationships are hard work, bullshit. The
12:49
Speaker 1: relationship is a hard work when it's one fucking sided,
12:51
Speaker 1: when one person is doing all the showing up, when
12:53
Speaker 1: one is fighting, fighting, fighting, and the other person isn't.
12:56
Speaker 1: If two people are showing up and want to be there,
12:58
Speaker 1: it's not that hard. Okay, it's not that hard. You
13:01
Speaker 1: might find certain things hard within your relationship, like parenting
13:05
Speaker 1: and you know, Morgidge and all that, but the relationship
13:07
Speaker 1: itself doesn't need to be that hard if you're both
13:10
Speaker 1: willing to show up every single day for each other. Okay,
13:13
Speaker 1: this is not one of those things. Okay. Now, My
13:17
Speaker 1: next thing that I want to say is when someone
13:20
Speaker 1: says to you, the timing is not right. I need
13:24
Speaker 1: to work on myself. But I like this. I don't
13:26
Speaker 1: want to call him a camp but let's just do it.
13:28
Speaker 1: This can't he said, you know, he sleeps with you,
13:32
Speaker 1: he gets his fucking rocks off. Love that for him?
13:34
Speaker 1: Spends the night with you, He gets someone to cuddle
13:37
Speaker 1: because he doesn't want to be lonely. Next night, he
13:41
Speaker 1: had the chat, but wants us to still be around
13:43
Speaker 1: each other. It's bad timing for him in his life. Ick, gross, yuck, immature,
13:52
Speaker 1: just like be an adult or don't, but just don't
13:56
Speaker 1: be around me if that's the case, because like I
13:59
Speaker 1: literally I wrote all these notes down. You should see me.
14:01
Speaker 1: I'm glancing at my notes because I'm like, oh, I've
14:03
Speaker 1: just got to refer to them. But for me. If
14:06
Speaker 1: someone says it's bad timing for me, but I still
14:10
Speaker 1: would like to hang around you, they are saying my
14:12
Speaker 1: time is more valuable than your time. My priorities are
14:17
Speaker 1: more important than your priorities. I would never really see
14:21
Speaker 1: you as my equal because I'm only thinking of myself here.
14:24
Speaker 1: I don't care that you're hurt because I'm still willing
14:27
Speaker 1: to have you be around me, knowing you'll be hurt
14:30
Speaker 1: to satisfy my needs because I don't want to be alone,
14:33
Speaker 1: because I don't want to actually face the hard work
14:35
Speaker 1: of what actually needs to go down. If I truly
14:38
Speaker 1: wanted to work on myself, if I was right about this,
14:41
Speaker 1: I need to work myself and things need to change
14:42
Speaker 1: for myself. If that was the case, I would actually
14:44
Speaker 1: be legitimately single. I wouldn't be entertaining myself and pacifying
14:48
Speaker 1: myself with these pseudo relationships that aren't really a thing.
14:51
Speaker 1: Because I'm not willing to lean in. I'm not here
14:53
Speaker 1: nor there. But I'm going to prioritize myself and just
14:55
Speaker 1: do what you know pleases me in the moment, knowing
14:59
Speaker 1: that it's not what you need. It's not servicing your needs.
15:02
Speaker 1: If anything, it's wasting your time something a commodity you
15:05
Speaker 1: will never get back. But I'm okay with doing that
15:07
Speaker 1: to you. And it's also fucking you around emotionally, so
15:11
Speaker 1: it's a waste of time, it's waste of your emotions,
15:13
Speaker 1: and you're getting sad in the meantime. You literally said
15:16
Speaker 1: I feel broken. So here is someone who's willing to
15:21
Speaker 1: have you feel broken, fuck around with your time, and
15:24
Speaker 1: you're still like, oh, I really like this person. You've
15:27
Speaker 1: got to find ways to turn yourself off this person,
15:30
Speaker 1: and that is one of the best ways to do it.
15:31
Speaker 1: When you start to realize, intentionally or unintentionally, I don't
15:34
Speaker 1: care if it means it or not. I don't care.
15:36
Speaker 1: You've got to think this person, whether they mean it
15:40
Speaker 1: or not, is being so fucking selfish right now, and
15:42
Speaker 1: that is not it for me. I am not here
15:46
Speaker 1: to be with a selfish person. I am not on
15:49
Speaker 1: this earth working my asse off to be the best
15:51
Speaker 1: version of myself to go on and fucking build a
15:53
Speaker 1: life with a selfish person. Whether they meant it or not,
15:56
Speaker 1: it doesn't matter. It's the actions that I'm receiving that
15:59
Speaker 1: I have to pay attention to, not what their deep
16:01
Speaker 1: down intentions are, okay, blunt or not. That's how you
16:05
Speaker 1: fucking have to operate now. Just you need to say
16:09
Speaker 1: to yourself you can never waste your time with someone
16:14
Speaker 1: who has not made it clear that they actually want
16:17
Speaker 1: to be with you. I don't care if they're nice,
16:19
Speaker 1: I don't care if the intentions are there. I don't
16:21
Speaker 1: care if they've gone through a bad time. You can
16:23
Speaker 1: still be empathetic, you can still want the best for them,
16:25
Speaker 1: you can still be like, this is a shame, this
16:27
Speaker 1: is sad. I am heartbroken. You are allowed to be sad,
16:30
Speaker 1: But to waste your time with someone who's made it
16:32
Speaker 1: clear or who can't make it clear if they want you,
16:36
Speaker 1: but who's made it clear that they're definitely not one
16:38
Speaker 1: hundred percent in is doing yourself a massive disservice. Okay,
16:43
Speaker 1: the hard You've got to choose your heart. The hard
16:48
Speaker 1: thing right now is to go cold turkey, to really
16:51
Speaker 1: like logically have all these canceling out statements every time
16:54
Speaker 1: you miss them, to be like, I need to prioritize
16:55
Speaker 1: myself no matter what the hard of the later. If
16:59
Speaker 1: you choose the easy thing now, if like, I'll hang
17:01
Speaker 1: around him, I'll have these quick fixes, but then I'm
17:03
Speaker 1: really hurting. That hard is that it's going to take
17:05
Speaker 1: you a whole lot longer to get over them. You're
17:07
Speaker 1: wasting so much emotional energy. You are actually hurting your
17:11
Speaker 1: relationship with yourself because you're not prioritizing yourself. You're prioritizing
17:14
Speaker 1: someone who prioritizes their self right and then you and
17:19
Speaker 1: doesn't even prioritize a relationship. It's all him, nothing about you,
17:21
Speaker 1: nothing about the relationship. It's all about him, and you're
17:23
Speaker 1: putting that person up on the pedestal. Okay, So the
17:26
Speaker 1: longer you engage in this dynamic, the more it hurts
17:29
Speaker 1: your relationship with yourself, the more it takes you, or
17:32
Speaker 1: the longer it takes you to heal. Okay. So if
17:34
Speaker 1: someone isn't clear that they're one hundred percent in and
17:37
Speaker 1: wanting you, that is a no. That is a no.
17:40
Speaker 1: And if you're ever like I don't know what should
17:42
Speaker 1: I do? I don't know, You've just got to remind
17:44
Speaker 1: yourself that the time is now, this time, right now,
17:49
Speaker 1: you will never get back. You'll be here in a month,
17:52
Speaker 1: in two months, in six months time, while this can't
17:54
Speaker 1: is trying to figure his life out and time is
17:57
Speaker 1: passing you by. Okay, so you have the answer. You
18:02
Speaker 1: now need to decide what you're going to do with
18:04
Speaker 1: that answer. And the answer is no, I'm not I'm
18:08
Speaker 1: not gonna date you. It's not I'm not available for
18:11
Speaker 1: you emotionally. Okay, so you have your answer now. I
18:14
Speaker 1: don't want to be harsh, and I feel like that
18:16
Speaker 1: was a little bit harsh, but sometimes you just need
18:18
Speaker 1: to be fucking slapped around until you have to prioritize yourself. Babe,
18:22
Speaker 1: thank you so much for running in. I love you
18:23
Speaker 1: so much, genuinely adore you guys, and I just want
18:26
Speaker 1: the best for you. And sometimes this is like how
18:28
Speaker 1: I get it across. This passion is because I care. Okay,
18:32
Speaker 1: next one, please just fucking do you live your life? Okay?
18:35
Speaker 1: Next one? Sense number three year Now, this one's it's
18:42
Speaker 1: a short one. I don't have too much to sound
18:44
Speaker 1: it because it is something anyway, whatever, it's a short one. Hi, Alexis.
18:48
Speaker 1: I absolutely love your podcast. I first found your podcast
18:50
Speaker 1: when trying to find the strength to leave a toxic
18:52
Speaker 1: and abusive relationship and it worked. Yes, I am now
18:58
Speaker 1: engaged to a legend for men and happier than ever. Thrilled,
19:02
Speaker 1: thrilled about this. I do, although struggle still with anxiety
19:05
Speaker 1: and depression. My anxiety seems to center around the fear
19:08
Speaker 1: of my parents aging and their death. I find myself
19:12
Speaker 1: having panic attacks around this at night or suddenly during
19:16
Speaker 1: the day. Do you know the science behind this? Are
19:18
Speaker 1: there anyways to cope? I know many people struggle with this,
19:21
Speaker 1: but I find it sometimes taking over my life to
19:23
Speaker 1: the point of freezing and not being able to carry
19:26
Speaker 1: on with day to day things. Thank you so much. Okay,
19:30
Speaker 1: that's a really good question. And it's actually death anxiety,
19:35
Speaker 1: which is what it's referred to, which is the anxiety
19:37
Speaker 1: towards either your own death, the process of your own death,
19:42
Speaker 1: and also the death of other people close to you,
19:46
Speaker 1: So that's a death anxiety. It's also known as the
19:50
Speaker 1: nut of phobia. I'm not sure if I'm pronouncing that properly,
19:52
Speaker 1: but it's a phobia and it is linked to panic disorders,
19:56
Speaker 1: anxiety disorders, other phobias as well, and depression. So you
20:01
Speaker 1: did mention that you do struggle with or yeah, that
20:05
Speaker 1: you struggle with anxiety and depression, and so often you'll
20:10
Speaker 1: find that people that do have death anxiety also that
20:13
Speaker 1: comes along with other forms of anxiety and depression or
20:16
Speaker 1: other mood disorders and other phobias. Okay, Now the reason
20:20
Speaker 1: why I can't delve too much into this because it
20:23
Speaker 1: is one of those things that if you find and
20:25
Speaker 1: I feel that for you, this is the case that
20:26
Speaker 1: it is actually debilitating at times, like it's stopping you
20:30
Speaker 1: from doing day to day things, You're waking up at night,
20:32
Speaker 1: you're feeling a massive sense of panic. Then really what
20:35
Speaker 1: needs to be done is you need to be going
20:37
Speaker 1: through a therapy process. And in therapy there's cognitive behavioral techniques,
20:42
Speaker 1: but it's very specific to what it is that you
20:44
Speaker 1: personally are experiencing in it, because everyone might have different
20:47
Speaker 1: specific narratives that they're playing through their mind when they're
20:51
Speaker 1: fearing this, when they're having this phobia of this death
20:53
Speaker 1: or this you know, your parent's death, and on top
20:56
Speaker 1: of that, they they may couple that therapy with medication,
21:00
Speaker 1: and it's not necessarily a long term thing, but it's
21:03
Speaker 1: coupled with, you know, a medication. So you can start
21:05
Speaker 1: to like work through your cognitive behavioral therapy while you're
21:08
Speaker 1: on medication, so you've kind of like taken the edge
21:10
Speaker 1: of the intensity of what you're experiencing. And then once
21:13
Speaker 1: you kind of like gain the tools mentally, then you
21:16
Speaker 1: can come off that medication and you kind of train
21:18
Speaker 1: yourself up. So depending on the individual, will depend on
21:20
Speaker 1: what kind of therapy will be given for this death anxiety.
21:24
Speaker 1: Now papers have been published. There's one I can't remember
21:29
Speaker 1: that effort, but one in twenty fourteen that came out
21:31
Speaker 1: and it was around people who the more you work
21:34
Speaker 1: on your self esteem, your personal fulfillment, like feeling like
21:39
Speaker 1: you have a rich life, a fulfilled life, like you're
21:42
Speaker 1: doing the most with your time, you're less likely to
21:46
Speaker 1: for it to get worse and you're more likely for
21:47
Speaker 1: you to be able to improve out of this death
21:50
Speaker 1: anxiety because you're putting a lot of effort into really
21:52
Speaker 1: maximizing your life, even if it's not around your own death.
21:55
Speaker 1: It's this idea of understanding that when you really maximize
21:58
Speaker 1: your time and you've got great community and great relationships
22:01
Speaker 1: and you're able to put your energy into that, you
22:04
Speaker 1: have a healthy relationship with this concept that we are
22:07
Speaker 1: all mortal. Now, I do want you to understand that
22:09
Speaker 1: it's I think most people if they were to sit
22:12
Speaker 1: and really contemplate, like if I was to sit and
22:14
Speaker 1: really contemplate the death of the people close to me,
22:17
Speaker 1: I could get myself in a terrible, terrible state. So
22:20
Speaker 1: I do want you to realize that the link between
22:23
Speaker 1: our emotional states and really thinking about that would be
22:26
Speaker 1: strong for most people, that's not But for you, this
22:29
Speaker 1: is cropping up all the time and it's something that's
22:31
Speaker 1: kind of like haunting you, and that's what you want
22:33
Speaker 1: to be working through. So unfortunately I can't give you
22:35
Speaker 1: a step by step thin because this is more individual based,
22:38
Speaker 1: but it is something that therapy can really really go
22:40
Speaker 1: a long way in helping you. But look up thanatophobia
22:45
Speaker 1: read into it, but don't spend all your time reading
22:47
Speaker 1: into it. I think a lot of people become an
22:48
Speaker 1: expert on a condition that they have, but they then
22:51
Speaker 1: don't know how to actually apply the treatment to themselves.
22:54
Speaker 1: So this is something that therapy will go a long
22:56
Speaker 1: way in helping you with. I have one last question, Hi, Alexis.
23:03
Speaker 1: I've been listening to a podcast for a while and
23:05
Speaker 1: I love all your advice and guidance. I'm twenty four.
23:07
Speaker 1: I'm an art teacher, and I find myself being too
23:10
Speaker 1: focused on my career. I love what I do, but
23:13
Speaker 1: I'm struggling socially. I recently lost a long time friend
23:16
Speaker 1: of for eleven years. I have always had a small
23:18
Speaker 1: bubble and she was my go to friend for so long,
23:21
Speaker 1: but every time I was around her, she made me
23:23
Speaker 1: feel bad for where I am at. Sorry, she made
23:26
Speaker 1: me feel bad for where I am at in life.
23:29
Speaker 1: She is married, I still live at home and I
23:32
Speaker 1: am happily single with no intention of getting into a relationship,
23:35
Speaker 1: and she judges me for that. On my birthday, she
23:37
Speaker 1: got very mad at me for how I was acting
23:40
Speaker 1: in brackets, having fun and dancing clothes bracket. So I
23:43
Speaker 1: drew the line and stopped contacting her. It's been three
23:46
Speaker 1: months since we last talked because I stopped contacting her.
23:49
Speaker 1: Should I try to rekindle this relationship if she constantly
23:52
Speaker 1: puts me down. I struggle to find new friends, and
23:55
Speaker 1: the friends group I have has not been inviting me
23:58
Speaker 1: out anymore. And I don't know why. I have been
24:00
Speaker 1: single a year and starting to feel lonely, but do
24:03
Speaker 1: not want a relationship, just a solid group of friends,
24:05
Speaker 1: but it is hard to find. I would appreciate any
24:08
Speaker 1: advice you have. Thank you. Okay, So to answer this question,
24:12
Speaker 1: there's a few things that I'm going to ask you
24:14
Speaker 1: now without being with no disrespect. When it comes to
24:17
Speaker 1: friendship breakups, often when now you might genuinely be one
24:22
Speaker 1: hundred percent innocent in all of this and someone's just
24:24
Speaker 1: been like a bit of fuck with to you, and
24:25
Speaker 1: that's fine, but it is very healthy and important to
24:29
Speaker 1: do this exercise at least and you might come be
24:32
Speaker 1: in like, no, I did nothing wrong. It's all good.
24:33
Speaker 1: But you need to check yourself hard, Okay, ask yourself.
24:37
Speaker 1: And this is not as like a self critical thing
24:39
Speaker 1: to spiral. You're going to look at it bluntly, ask yourself.
24:43
Speaker 1: Was there any potential thing that I did that could
24:47
Speaker 1: have hurt my friend because you said in this thing
24:52
Speaker 1: she got very mad at me for how I was acting,
24:55
Speaker 1: and you said having fun and dancing. I feel like
24:57
Speaker 1: there's more behind that. And it's not to say that
24:59
Speaker 1: it was intentional, But are you ignoring her? Were she
25:01
Speaker 1: trying to have an interaction with you and you were
25:03
Speaker 1: brushing her off? Were you potentially being obnoxious? Were you?
25:07
Speaker 1: Do you know what I mean? I think it's very
25:08
Speaker 1: easy to and I'm not saying this is you. I
25:11
Speaker 1: just want to say this just as like a blanket
25:13
Speaker 1: statement to everyone that's listening. It's really easy to be like, well,
25:16
Speaker 1: I was in my world and I was doing all
25:17
Speaker 1: the right thing because we're so in our zone, but
25:19
Speaker 1: we don't realize that maybe there was something that we
25:21
Speaker 1: ignored them, or we didn't realize that maybe they had
25:24
Speaker 1: needs we didn't cater to it, where we like completely
25:27
Speaker 1: were acting in a way that either annoyed them or
25:29
Speaker 1: hurt them or whatever, and then we act like, well,
25:32
Speaker 1: what did I do wrong? I did nothing wrong up
25:34
Speaker 1: without ever looking at our behavior. So just number one,
25:37
Speaker 1: do that exercise of just look at your behavior. You
25:39
Speaker 1: might be like, no, literally, I was just dancing and
25:41
Speaker 1: they blew up, which is fine, okay, but it helps
25:44
Speaker 1: to do that. The next thing is to ask yourself,
25:46
Speaker 1: putting her aside for one second, why genuinely do you
25:49
Speaker 1: think that your group of friends have stopped inviting you out?
25:53
Speaker 1: Is it that could you be reading into it in
25:57
Speaker 1: the sense of like, normally you're the one that invites
25:59
Speaker 1: people out, and they're just used to you inviting them out,
26:02
Speaker 1: and they're just waiting for you to invite them out
26:03
Speaker 1: because they're a bit lazy on comms to invite you out.
26:07
Speaker 1: Is it that they've always like consistently organized things and
26:11
Speaker 1: now they've made it very clear that they're excluding you
26:13
Speaker 1: from it. So what is this dynamic? Firstly, identify what
26:16
Speaker 1: the dynamic is. If it is very much like no, no,
26:19
Speaker 1: they're fully not inviting me. Are they also friends with
26:22
Speaker 1: this friend who you had a falling out with and
26:24
Speaker 1: maybe they feel uncomfortable to invite you so they just don't.
26:29
Speaker 1: Maybe they feel like, well, she's going to be here,
26:31
Speaker 1: and you know, we can't bring everyone together, so they're
26:34
Speaker 1: just kind of like, I'm not getting involved kind of energy.
26:37
Speaker 1: Another thing is have you actively tried to reach out
26:40
Speaker 1: to them, and during this active reaching out, they've fully
26:43
Speaker 1: brushed you. Put a pause on that. Now, let's look
26:49
Speaker 1: at your friend. You say, should I be reaching out
26:54
Speaker 1: to try and rekindle things when someone makes me feel
26:56
Speaker 1: so shit? Or your question was should try and rekindle
27:00
Speaker 1: this relationship if she constantly puts me down? I would
27:03
Speaker 1: never advise someone to rekindle a relationship if someone is
27:06
Speaker 1: constantly putting you down, I would never say yeah, absolutely
27:09
Speaker 1: absolutely you should. Instead, I would ask you why do
27:12
Speaker 1: you feel like you should be rekindling You wouldn't have
27:14
Speaker 1: asked that question if there wasn't a part of you
27:16
Speaker 1: that thought, maybe I want to be rekindling this relationship?
27:20
Speaker 1: Have you in the past. Now, this is where it
27:23
Speaker 1: gets a little bit deeper. Firstly, number one, how much
27:25
Speaker 1: do you value this friendship? Put aside how she's behaving lately,
27:28
Speaker 1: just in general, how much do you value this friendship?
27:31
Speaker 1: And how much would it matter to you having her
27:34
Speaker 1: back in your life if things were obviously good again?
27:37
Speaker 1: How much would it matter to you if she was
27:39
Speaker 1: never back in your life again? Okay, so that's the
27:41
Speaker 1: first thing, Like, where's the value here? Does she still
27:44
Speaker 1: provide some level of value or is it one hundred
27:46
Speaker 1: percent she's always putting you down and you actually get
27:48
Speaker 1: no value. You've got to get really clear on that.
27:51
Speaker 1: Then you have to ask yourself, how did we communicate
27:55
Speaker 1: prior to this whole thing dissolving three months ago? Did
27:57
Speaker 1: we have a good way of explaining to each other
27:59
Speaker 1: when we were hurt? Or is it kind of brush it?
28:02
Speaker 1: We were never able to have the hard conversations and
28:04
Speaker 1: then we're just like it'd be fine, and then one
28:06
Speaker 1: day it just kind of blew up and you stopped
28:08
Speaker 1: contacting each other. How did you in the past repair
28:12
Speaker 1: if something ever went wrong. Was there ever a time
28:14
Speaker 1: where you had to apologize or where she had to apologize?
28:17
Speaker 1: And how did that repair take place? I can tell
28:21
Speaker 1: you right now. So many friends considered themselves really good friends,
28:25
Speaker 1: best friends, but they've never really had the hard talk
28:28
Speaker 1: and the need to repair, the need to apologize, or
28:31
Speaker 1: the need to forgive, the need to understand the need
28:34
Speaker 1: to move past something that they can't forgive. A lot
28:36
Speaker 1: of friends are like, we're best friends until it's a
28:38
Speaker 1: hard moment and then they're like, well, now I've cut
28:40
Speaker 1: them out because of this. So the only way I
28:44
Speaker 1: would recommend you rekindling if you said to me no,
28:47
Speaker 1: I communicated what had happened. I tried to give her
28:49
Speaker 1: an open platform to talk. She completely brushed me. She
28:53
Speaker 1: said she didn't agree with my life. She said this,
28:55
Speaker 1: she said that, and then I made my decision based
28:59
Speaker 1: on her behavior that you know, I'm not going to
29:01
Speaker 1: talk to her anymore. But what I get is that
29:04
Speaker 1: you seem to have had a bad situation go down
29:08
Speaker 1: and you've kind of just cut her out, which is
29:12
Speaker 1: fine if it's been like a repeated thing that you've
29:14
Speaker 1: spoken about in the past, like just because I don't
29:17
Speaker 1: live a life that you agree with. And the reason
29:19
Speaker 1: I'm saying this is because you've been best friends for
29:21
Speaker 1: eleven years. I find it hard that you would entertain
29:23
Speaker 1: a friendship on someone that just does not agree how
29:26
Speaker 1: you live your life, does not this disrespects you, whatever.
29:28
Speaker 1: It just kind of doesn't make sense if it was
29:30
Speaker 1: always like that. So obviously there's been a lot of
29:32
Speaker 1: good if this person's going to have been your friend
29:35
Speaker 1: for a long time now, As far as her judging
29:38
Speaker 1: you and this and that that's personal, that's something that
29:40
Speaker 1: you guys deal with I like, do I even want
29:42
Speaker 1: to be friends with someone who doesn't see how I
29:44
Speaker 1: live my life? Maybe she's just hurt because she doesn't
29:47
Speaker 1: feel what you know. There's a lot going on there.
29:48
Speaker 1: But until you've had a conversation being like, do you
29:51
Speaker 1: feel hurt by me? If so, why so I can
29:53
Speaker 1: get to the bottom of it. And if it's something
29:54
Speaker 1: I can fix, I will try. If it's something that's irrational,
29:57
Speaker 1: I'll at least try and explain myself or not, because
30:01
Speaker 1: without the conversation, I can't tell you if it's worth
30:04
Speaker 1: resurrecting this friendship from the dead or not. So if
30:07
Speaker 1: you say we've never repaired, we've never really communicated, we've
30:11
Speaker 1: never been vulnerable with each other, then I would say, yeah,
30:14
Speaker 1: it is worth reaching out and saying, hey, things haven't
30:17
Speaker 1: been great lately, but I would like to give this
30:20
Speaker 1: friendship one big chance. I want you to tell me
30:23
Speaker 1: where you've been hurt by me, and I want you
30:25
Speaker 1: to give me the space to do the same and
30:28
Speaker 1: open up to you. Are you willing to do that?
30:31
Speaker 1: Are you willing to repair? And if the answer is no,
30:34
Speaker 1: then you've literally lost nothing because the friendship was already
30:39
Speaker 1: you had dismissed it as dead anyway, that's personally what
30:41
Speaker 1: I would do. And as far as her not agreeing
30:43
Speaker 1: with how you live your life, that's a conversation. I
30:46
Speaker 1: think sometimes we cut people out just because we disagree
30:49
Speaker 1: with them, but sometimes it goes deeper than that. Maybe
30:52
Speaker 1: it's that she disagrees with how you live your life
30:55
Speaker 1: because she wants the best for you and she genuinely
30:58
Speaker 1: thinks that you'd be happier elsewhere. Maybe it's just a
31:00
Speaker 1: conversation that needs to be hard, Like we don't have
31:02
Speaker 1: to agree in order to acknowledge what makes each other
31:04
Speaker 1: happy all these things. Okay, So I think you need
31:07
Speaker 1: a lot of self awareness, You need a lot of
31:10
Speaker 1: patience and understanding and allowing someone to bring up your
31:12
Speaker 1: flaws just because you're annoyed at them, allow them to
31:15
Speaker 1: be annoyed at you, and be willing to have that
31:17
Speaker 1: hard conversation. And if all of this is making you
31:19
Speaker 1: cringe up being like absolutely not the no, I don't
31:21
Speaker 1: think it's worth you reaching out to her, because when
31:24
Speaker 1: you have a conversation, you've got to be willing for
31:26
Speaker 1: it to be a two way straight all right. That
31:30
Speaker 1: is all for today's episode. I hope you guys enjoyed that.
31:32
Speaker 1: I love doing the listener questions. I fucking love doing
31:35
Speaker 1: the listener questions. Thank you for sending them in. If
31:37
Speaker 1: you do want to send in your question right into
31:39
Speaker 1: info at dyfmpod dot com. Or the next episode is
31:45
Speaker 1: going to be all the audio messages and you just
31:47
Speaker 1: go onto www dot dearifimpod dot com and you can
31:50
Speaker 1: actually submit an audio file of your stunning voice. Your
31:54
Speaker 1: stunning voice to the podcast. Guys, love you so much,
31:57
Speaker 1: as always remembered. Becind to yourself, beca'd do you bright?
32:00
Speaker 1: Don't take shit from anyone, and especially don't take shit
32:03
Speaker 1: from yourself. Dogger h