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Heeling Before Dating · Relationship Coaching Group Podcast

0:10
SPEAKER_02: Welcome to Relationship Coaching Group Podcast.
0:13
SPEAKER_02: Whether this is your first visit or you've been following us, don't forget to download this podcast to reference later, because here we keep it real with scenarios, tips, and suggestions, everything relationship-centered.
0:28
SPEAKER_02: Hello, I'm Roxanne, your relationship coach and host, along with my co-host, the professor.
0:36
SPEAKER_02: And together we've been coaching couples and singles for over 20 years, and now we're here to work with you.
0:44
SPEAKER_02: So get ready for today's podcast, because we're going to be talking about healing before dating.
0:51
SPEAKER_02: And before we get started, let's welcome the professor.
0:55
SPEAKER_02: Hello, professor.
0:56
SPEAKER_02: Hello.
0:58
SPEAKER_02: So how are you?
0:59
SPEAKER_02: I'm good.
0:59
SPEAKER_02: How are you doing?
1:00
SPEAKER_02: Just dandy.
1:01
SPEAKER_02: How was did you go and try that place for breakfast?
1:05
SPEAKER_02: Sure did.
1:05
SPEAKER_02: It was lovely.
1:06
SPEAKER_02: Thanks for the recommendation.
1:08
SPEAKER_02: Good.
1:08
SPEAKER_02: You're welcome.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: You owe me.
1:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
1:11
SPEAKER_02: So today, Professor, we're talking about healing before dating.
1:17
SPEAKER_02: And before you look at that right person, I'm gonna I'm speaking to my listeners.
1:24
SPEAKER_02: Again, before you look at that right person, you need to make sure you're in the right place emotionally.
1:32
SPEAKER_02: Healing before dating isn't about being perfect, it's about being aware.
1:39
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely.
1:42
SPEAKER_00: Uh our last podcast was about letting go.
1:47
SPEAKER_00: You're able to let go of that.
1:49
SPEAKER_00: Don't hold on to that relationship.
1:52
SPEAKER_00: This is the heal part of it.
1:54
SPEAKER_02: Yes, it was letting go of someone you still love.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
1:58
SPEAKER_00: And now you gotta heal from that.
2:01
SPEAKER_00: And that is probably one of the hardest things for people to let go and heal.
2:10
SPEAKER_00: So I know you've got some stuff for us today.
2:14
SPEAKER_02: Yes, I do have some pointers, and listeners, make sure you have that pen and paper so you can take notes.
2:19
SPEAKER_00: And as you know, listeners, um, I don't get any insight.
2:24
SPEAKER_00: This is all raw what we're giving you.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: Um we're giving you straight from our knowledge and our hearts.
2:33
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
2:35
SPEAKER_02: So again, I have to say this again.
2:38
SPEAKER_02: I have to go over this again, Professor.
2:39
SPEAKER_00: Go for it.
2:40
SPEAKER_02: Healing before dating isn't about being perfect, it's about being aware.
2:46
SPEAKER_02: And let me share what healing actually means.
2:50
SPEAKER_02: Healing doesn't mean you never think about your ex.
2:54
SPEAKER_02: It simply means they don't control your emotions or decisions anymore.
3:01
SPEAKER_02: Oh, don't don't you won't miss up here?
3:06
SPEAKER_00: I want you to say that again.
3:09
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
3:11
SPEAKER_02: Healing doesn't mean that you never think about your ex.
3:15
SPEAKER_02: It simply means they don't control your emotions or decisions anymore.
3:21
SPEAKER_02: Man.
3:23
SPEAKER_00: Just hit the nail right on the top of the head from the get-go.
3:27
SPEAKER_03: Yeah.
3:28
SPEAKER_00: That is so true.
3:30
SPEAKER_00: You know, when we in the last podcast, you know, we we talked about stuff, and and and I want to make it clear, you you're never gonna forget about that individual, especially if you have many years together.
3:46
SPEAKER_00: It it will take time.
3:47
SPEAKER_00: It takes time, and that taking of time is the time where you're to heal, to not forget, but to process what has happened, to work on yourself because you can't go into another relationship broken because you've already destroyed the relationship before it started.
4:10
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
4:12
SPEAKER_02: And here's the other point healing means you're not avoiding feelings, it means you can sit with your feelings without reacting impulsively.
4:23
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: That means not picking up the phone and saying, Hey, I was just going to check up on you, how are you?
4:31
SPEAKER_00: Or acting on those feelings of I made a mistake, let's get back together.
4:37
SPEAKER_02: Or, or, Professor, going out and want to hurt somebody.
4:43
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
4:44
SPEAKER_02: You're acting up on those feelings.
4:46
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
4:47
SPEAKER_00: Revenge, retaliation.
4:50
SPEAKER_00: Don't don't do that.
4:51
SPEAKER_00: No.
4:52
SPEAKER_00: Revenge, as much as you think that revenge will be sweet.
4:57
SPEAKER_00: No, smashing up someone's car is not you're trust me.
5:03
SPEAKER_00: Uh I don't know how many phone calls have you got from clients that have imprisoned or in jail?
5:10
SPEAKER_00: Can we bail them out because they made a stupid mistake?
5:14
SPEAKER_00: We're not bailing you out.
5:16
SPEAKER_02: You don't want to act on those feelings, those impulsive feelings.
5:22
SPEAKER_02: That means you're not healed.
5:24
SPEAKER_02: But healing means that you can sit with your feelings without reacting impulsively.
5:31
SPEAKER_00: You know when you've moved on, when you've seen your ex with someone out in the street, and you don't even think about anything.
5:43
SPEAKER_00: You see them across the street, you glance, and you just keep walking, and it doesn't become this geared cog in your brain, thinking, oh, that could have been me, and all that stuff.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: You know then you've moved on.
5:57
SPEAKER_02: Right.
5:57
SPEAKER_02: And we are talking about healing before dating.
6:01
SPEAKER_02: So these are signs that you're not healed.
6:04
SPEAKER_02: So you shouldn't shouldn't date right now.
6:07
SPEAKER_02: But let's get these.
6:09
SPEAKER_00: But a lot of people do because they think they've moved on.
6:13
SPEAKER_00: They want to convince themselves they've moved on.
6:16
SPEAKER_00: If you were in a relationship, let's say five-year relationship, and it ended, and then two weeks later, you're dating.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: Right.
6:25
SPEAKER_00: And you are not ready.
6:28
SPEAKER_00: Right.
6:29
SPEAKER_02: Because you're not healed.
6:30
SPEAKER_02: Exactly.
6:32
SPEAKER_02: Now another healing point is or Yeah, another healing point is you understand your patterns, not just your pain.
6:43
SPEAKER_02: You understand now what drew you into unhealthy relationships.
6:48
SPEAKER_02: So if you you under because you have a lot of people that will go into relationship, relationship, they'll the same patterns, they'll find the same type of person, and they know it's it was unhealthy the last two relationships.
7:04
SPEAKER_02: But when you're healed, you understand those patterns.
7:08
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
7:10
SPEAKER_00: So lady, she's in her late 40s, and for the last 30 something years, she's been dating the same time.
7:23
SPEAKER_00: They've got to be pretty, cute, all these things with no substance.
7:29
SPEAKER_00: Right.
7:30
SPEAKER_00: She dates on looks, not on substance.
7:37
SPEAKER_00: There's nothing there.
7:39
SPEAKER_00: I mean, some of the stuff's that she's told me, and it's like, why?
7:45
SPEAKER_00: Right.
7:46
SPEAKER_00: But it's a pattern.
7:47
SPEAKER_00: It's the same pattern.
7:48
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
7:50
SPEAKER_00: Her criteria is they gotta be cute, they gotta have a beautiful smile.
7:54
SPEAKER_00: Every time she describes someone, it's a cute, pretty smile, all these things.
8:01
SPEAKER_00: That's it.
8:02
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
8:03
SPEAKER_00: That's your idea of an ideal person for a relationship.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Or if they have a nice car or a nice house, that's your wow.
8:11
SPEAKER_02: Break these patterns.
8:13
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
8:13
SPEAKER_02: And you'll find yourself in a in a healthier relationship.
8:17
SPEAKER_02: Right.
8:18
SPEAKER_00: And and be open.
8:21
SPEAKER_00: I think I mentioned this in a previous podcast.
8:24
SPEAKER_00: I watch this show where they pop your balloons and stuff.
8:28
SPEAKER_02: I love those shows.
8:29
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, because it really opens your eyes to stupidness.
8:33
SPEAKER_02: Yeah, and it sees it it shows you what they're passing up.
8:36
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
8:37
SPEAKER_00: And it's a pattern.
8:38
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
8:39
SPEAKER_00: Because you're gonna.
8:40
SPEAKER_00: I I'm I watched they pop their balloon because two of them said, oh, he's shoes, and then everybody else started criticizing his shoes.
8:49
SPEAKER_00: Really?
8:50
SPEAKER_00: You're gonna pass up on a this guy was a nice guy, and you're passing up because of his shoes.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: Right.
8:56
SPEAKER_00: That's a pattern.
8:57
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
8:58
SPEAKER_00: You're self-absorbed, you're your materialistic the your ideals of what someone a good person is is based on their shoes.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: Right.
9:07
SPEAKER_00: Come on, we gotta do better.
9:11
SPEAKER_02: Now, here's some signs that you may not be healed.
9:14
SPEAKER_02: You want to hear some of those?
9:15
SPEAKER_00: Go for it.
9:16
SPEAKER_02: I'm ready.
9:16
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
9:17
SPEAKER_02: Signs that you may not be healed.
9:19
SPEAKER_02: Take note.
9:20
SPEAKER_02: You're looking to try to replace your ex.
9:24
SPEAKER_02: Next one, you want someone new to make you feel better.
9:28
SPEAKER_02: Can we stop right there?
9:29
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
9:30
SPEAKER_02: I'm sorry.
9:31
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
9:32
SPEAKER_02: Can we address the first one?
9:33
SPEAKER_02: Okay.
9:33
SPEAKER_02: You're looking to try to replace your ex.
9:37
SPEAKER_02: He's your ex.
9:40
SPEAKER_02: Then why do you want to replace him?
9:42
SPEAKER_02: Right.
9:43
SPEAKER_02: Why do you want someone that fit that mold?
9:46
SPEAKER_02: But again, it's the pattern.
9:48
SPEAKER_00: If if it was not a good relationship, then why do you want to replace it?
9:53
SPEAKER_00: Right.
9:54
SPEAKER_00: No, you want not to replace him because you don't want the same.
9:58
SPEAKER_00: Hello.
9:59
SPEAKER_00: You know?
9:59
SPEAKER_00: It's like going to the store, right?
10:02
SPEAKER_00: I love apples.
10:04
SPEAKER_00: You know, I love it.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
10:05
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
10:06
SPEAKER_00: And I love my Fuji apples.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: Mm-hmm.
10:09
SPEAKER_00: And it just rubs me raw when someone gives me this tart, because you love tart.
10:14
SPEAKER_00: I do like it a little.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: Right.
10:17
SPEAKER_00: So when I get an apple and it's that tart apple, I don't want it.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: I like the Fuji's sweet.
10:24
SPEAKER_00: And then, but if I keep buying those tart apples because I think it's going to change, it ain't going to change.
10:31
SPEAKER_00: It's still a tart apple.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: Right.
10:33
SPEAKER_00: It's the same thing in relationship.
10:35
SPEAKER_00: You you keep looking for that same thing.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: Change what you're looking for.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: Change the pattern.
10:41
SPEAKER_00: Change is good.
10:43
SPEAKER_02: And getting back to the the pop the balloon thing, the uh and we're going to have to maybe put that in some of our reaction video because they're really, really good and really show you a lot of times they'll say, Well, he's not who I usually typically go for, even though this guy has a great job.
11:06
SPEAKER_02: He's very he's successful, he has his maybe even has his own business, but because of the way he may look and not ugly, but it's just just not my typical type.
11:20
SPEAKER_00: I've heard that.
11:20
SPEAKER_00: And we're that's why you're on the show, because your typical type don't work.
11:24
SPEAKER_00: Hello.
11:26
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
11:27
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
11:29
SPEAKER_02: So uh the next one was you want someone new to make you feel better.
11:36
SPEAKER_02: Now moving on.
11:37
SPEAKER_00: Another No, I've got to address them as you do it.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
11:39
SPEAKER_00: Let's let's do that.
11:40
SPEAKER_00: I'll address them as we do it.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
11:42
SPEAKER_00: Read that again.
11:44
SPEAKER_02: You want someone new to make you feel better.
11:48
SPEAKER_00: What do we call that?
11:49
SPEAKER_00: A rebound.
11:50
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
11:51
SPEAKER_00: Someone know is not going to fix you.
11:54
SPEAKER_00: It might make you feel better for a moment, but it's not going to fix.
11:59
SPEAKER_02: And you have to feel better about yourself.
12:02
SPEAKER_02: No one can make you feel better long term.
12:07
SPEAKER_02: As Professor said, it may make you feel better for a while, but if he's not the right person, or you're just jumping into a relationship because it was available, that's not going to help you.
12:22
SPEAKER_02: You're not healed.
12:23
SPEAKER_02: Because you're not healed.
12:24
SPEAKER_02: Yeah.
12:25
SPEAKER_00: When you jump from relationship to relationship, you're not healed.
12:30
SPEAKER_00: I think I've mentioned this on the last one.
12:33
SPEAKER_00: Wonderful lady, plus size.
12:36
SPEAKER_00: She worked on herself.
12:37
SPEAKER_00: I put her in touch with makeup.
12:40
SPEAKER_00: Oh, that's the one you mentioned on the last podcast.
12:42
SPEAKER_00: And she is doing amaz.
12:44
SPEAKER_00: And I actually called her and told her I talked about her.
12:48
SPEAKER_00: And I said, So if you ever listen to the podcast, I talked about you.
12:52
SPEAKER_00: And she goes, I'm happy you did.
12:54
SPEAKER_00: Because if I can help somebody, yes.
12:56
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, and we don't mention names, but she worked on herself and she found someone, really nice man.
13:05
SPEAKER_00: And he said that it was her smile.
13:09
SPEAKER_00: Because that smile, I never saw that smile before.
13:12
SPEAKER_00: Wow.
13:13
SPEAKER_00: Until she worked on herself, changed to how she thought about things and worked on her inside first, then she worked on the outside.
13:22
SPEAKER_00: And her smile was humongous.
13:25
SPEAKER_00: It was like freaking sung.
13:28
SPEAKER_00: She was amazing.
13:29
SPEAKER_00: That's good.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: So you have to work on you.
13:33
SPEAKER_00: You're not healed until you work on you.
13:37
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
13:38
SPEAKER_02: Okay, here's another sign that you may not be healed.
13:41
SPEAKER_02: You're choosing out of loneliness.
13:43
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
13:44
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
13:46
SPEAKER_02: I just need somebody.
13:48
SPEAKER_00: You don't.
13:49
SPEAKER_00: You think you do.
13:51
SPEAKER_00: We've said this before in other in other episodes.
13:55
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna ask you again.
13:56
SPEAKER_00: Can you go eat by yourself?
13:58
SPEAKER_00: Sure.
13:59
SPEAKER_00: I can eat by myself, no problem.
14:02
SPEAKER_00: I I enjoy sometimes that quiet time that this morning when you went for breakfast.
14:07
SPEAKER_02: Yep.
14:07
SPEAKER_00: Did you eat by yourself?
14:08
SPEAKER_00: I did.
14:09
SPEAKER_00: And where was your partner?
14:10
SPEAKER_02: Not there.
14:13
SPEAKER_00: Okay.
14:13
SPEAKER_02: I just yes, I I wanted to have a little exactly.
14:18
SPEAKER_00: And that's the thing, is you've got to be able to go out and enjoy life without having to have someone.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: You've got to be able to go out and eat by yourself.
14:29
SPEAKER_00: If you can do these things, eat by yourself, go out by yourself, go to a movie by yourself.
14:34
SPEAKER_00: Who cares what people you see people aren't looking at you, trust me.
14:38
SPEAKER_00: No, no.
14:39
SPEAKER_00: People aren't if anyone's looking at you, it's gonna be someone going, man, I admire that episode to go out by themselves.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: Yep.
14:46
SPEAKER_00: You don't need someone.
14:48
SPEAKER_02: And we talked about self-love.
14:51
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
14:52
SPEAKER_02: That's all a part of self-love, knowing that you can hang out by yourself.
14:58
SPEAKER_02: You love you love yourself so much that you can hang out with yourself.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
15:01
SPEAKER_00: And I'm and trust me, I'm not talking about where I don't need a man.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: I don't need nobody.
15:08
SPEAKER_00: Do you many times I hear that?
15:10
SPEAKER_00: And years down the road, after their career career has done well or it's busted one of the two, now you're lonely because your career was your relationship.
15:19
SPEAKER_01: Right.
15:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about those.
15:21
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about people who you know everybody wants to have a partner to share life with.
15:28
SPEAKER_00: People want to have that feeling of being loved and held.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: There's nothing wrong with that.
15:33
SPEAKER_00: But first you gotta be ready mentally, physically, emotionally, to accept that.
15:40
SPEAKER_02: Yes, yes.
15:42
SPEAKER_02: And you touched on this earlier in in this podcast.
15:47
SPEAKER_02: Another sign you may not be healed is you're trying to occupy your time with meaningless dates.
15:54
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
15:55
SPEAKER_00: I call that the revolving door date.
15:58
SPEAKER_00: Because you're going out, and I'm not talking about those that go out on dates just for free food.
16:05
SPEAKER_00: I'm not talking about that.
16:06
SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about the ones that go out for dates hoping.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: That this might be it?
16:11
SPEAKER_00: That this is it.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: You know, or what did you call that again in the last episode?
16:17
SPEAKER_00: Um Oh my gosh, my brain dead hope.
16:20
SPEAKER_00: Oh my gosh.
16:21
SPEAKER_00: It's gonna drive me nuts now.
16:23
SPEAKER_00: You said it.
16:24
SPEAKER_00: But you you you're you're hoping.
16:27
SPEAKER_00: Hope loop.
16:28
SPEAKER_00: Hope loop, that's it.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: Hope loop, thank you.
16:30
SPEAKER_00: Hope loop that you're hoping and hoping that this is it, this is it.
16:35
SPEAKER_00: Every relationship.
16:36
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, this I'm hoping this is it.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: No, well, you you'll know it's this if this is it when you're ready.
16:44
SPEAKER_00: Right.
16:44
SPEAKER_00: When you're healed, you've got to be healed and be ready because that person that's sitting across from you may be looking at you going, Oh, yeah, I'm not sure about this.
16:55
SPEAKER_00: But you're sitting there going, oh my god, he's so cute.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: Oh my girls, I just oh, I just want to pinch his cheeks.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: Oh my god.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: No.
17:04
SPEAKER_00: First, get to know the person.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: Stop lusting, get to know the person.
17:10
SPEAKER_00: That's teenage stuff.
17:12
SPEAKER_02: You're growing-ass person.
17:14
SPEAKER_02: Right.
17:14
SPEAKER_02: And again, before going out on these dates and dates and dates, work on yourself.
17:21
SPEAKER_02: That's what we're we're trying to help you to to learn the signs of healing.
17:27
SPEAKER_00: Gotta heal.
17:28
SPEAKER_00: Can you imagine?
17:30
SPEAKER_00: Because this is this is what you could put in your head, right?
17:33
SPEAKER_00: If you're not healed, you're when you go out and you're on a date or whatever, and you keep going on these dates, a person who is aware and and is in touch with himself and have self-worth, you know what they see when they look over?
17:49
SPEAKER_00: Somebody with a bunch of band-aides, band band-aids all over them.
17:54
SPEAKER_00: Because you look like giant band-aid.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: Because it looks like you've been a war and you're not healed.
17:59
SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
18:00
SPEAKER_00: You want that person when they look at you, they go, man, you know, she has a wonderful smile, great person.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: She's got it together.
18:07
SPEAKER_00: She's got it together, she has a good career, she knows where she's going.
18:11
SPEAKER_00: That's attractive.
18:12
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
18:13
SPEAKER_00: Not the pity, oh, I'm broken, I'm like a little puppy.
18:17
SPEAKER_00: No.
18:18
SPEAKER_02: Heal first.
18:19
SPEAKER_02: Heal first.
18:21
SPEAKER_02: And we're uh we're gonna go into points of why healing first matters.
18:27
SPEAKER_00: Go ahead.
18:28
SPEAKER_02: So, listeners, take note why healing first matters and unhealed unhealed wounds don't disappear, they show up in new relationships.
18:38
SPEAKER_02: And you just touched on that.
18:39
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
18:40
SPEAKER_02: They show up in other relationships.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: You know, you're never completely healed from a relationship.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: Over time, it you don't think about it.
18:55
SPEAKER_00: It gets filed away in the back of your brain in the file cabinet, and you don't think about it.
19:00
SPEAKER_00: The only time you think about it is when it happens again.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: Right, right.
19:03
SPEAKER_00: Yeah, it's just like if you lost a loved one, you know, it hurts, but over time you don't forget it, you just file it away, you know?
19:12
SPEAKER_00: Right.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: And then you lose somebody else, and that all these emotions come back again.
19:18
SPEAKER_00: And that's what we gotta learn to do is separate and learn to go on with your life, and as you go through on with your day, and you start slowly letting that person go.
19:31
SPEAKER_00: Right, healing from it.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: Heal.
19:33
SPEAKER_00: You gotta heal.
19:34
SPEAKER_02: And another reason why healing first matters is you look to your next partner to fix what someone else broke.
19:42
SPEAKER_00: Oh.
19:43
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
19:44
SPEAKER_00: Please say that again.
19:46
SPEAKER_00: Oh, you're taking them to church today.
19:49
SPEAKER_02: You you look to your next partner to fix what someone else broke.
19:59
SPEAKER_00: If you just met someone new and you're not healed, and you're looking for that person to heal your wounds, that person better be uh a doctor, a healer, a therapist, whatever, because they will spend their time trying to heal you, then work on the relationship.
20:19
SPEAKER_02: And you do you do have um it's not healthy, but you do have people who l are in relationships and they think that they can fix that person who's broken.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: And what do we call them?
20:33
SPEAKER_00: The fixers.
20:35
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
20:35
SPEAKER_02: And it it it it strains the whole relationship on both parts.
20:40
SPEAKER_02: One part, one person's broken, the other one's trying to fix them.
20:44
SPEAKER_02: And you can't.
20:46
SPEAKER_02: You can't fix someone who's broken.
20:48
SPEAKER_02: They have to work on themselves.
20:50
SPEAKER_00: They have to f go out, get help or whatever, for whatever it is that that that's hurting them.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: You cannot fix somebody.
20:58
SPEAKER_02: Right, right.
21:00
SPEAKER_02: Because um because you attract with a when when you're healed, you attract with a clear vision when you're grounded.
21:09
SPEAKER_00: Yes.
21:09
SPEAKER_02: And it's not out of desperation.
21:12
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna go back to this this lady.
21:16
SPEAKER_00: Here she is, she worked on her and she was in a lot of bad relationships.
21:20
SPEAKER_00: It was like, you know, it was it was not good.
21:23
SPEAKER_00: And she'd even tell you it wasn't good.
21:25
SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna see if we can get her on on a podcast one day.
21:29
SPEAKER_00: But the crazy thing is, is that when you work on yourself and when people will see you differently, people won't look at you as this because you could be sitting across from someone who is a fixer and you may not know that.
21:47
SPEAKER_00: And they're attracted to you because they think they can they can fix you, they can hold you, and they can comfort you, and then and you like that because you think this is going to heal you.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: Right.
21:56
SPEAKER_00: But it doesn't, because neither one of you are invested in the relationship.
22:00
SPEAKER_00: you're in you're not emotionally invested, you're invested in the healing.
22:05
SPEAKER_00: Right.
22:06
SPEAKER_02: And time is is so wasted on trying to heal.
22:09
SPEAKER_02: On trying to fix somebody who's broken.
22:12
SPEAKER_02: Rather than that broken person seeing that, okay, I I need to I I need to heal myself.
22:19
SPEAKER_02: I need to take take care of me before uh letting someone try to fix me.
22:26
SPEAKER_02: I need to fix what's broken.
22:29
SPEAKER_00: I read a story about a lady she was in a car accident and she became paralyzed from her waist down.
22:36
SPEAKER_00: And she didn't date for I think it was almost 10 years.
22:42
SPEAKER_00: Because she didn't think nobody could love her because she was broken.
22:46
SPEAKER_00: Physically physically but she worked on herself and she was in a coffee shop and there was no seats and the guy asked if he could sit they struck up a conversation they would meet and have coffee and here they are married.
23:01
SPEAKER_00: Wow that's that's beautiful.
23:04
SPEAKER_00: Yeah so if the right person will come into your life at the right time but that right person can't come because you're not healed.
23:13
SPEAKER_00: Right.
23:14
SPEAKER_00: You have to and she said and this in the thing I read she said that she had to heal mentally mentally and physically to be able to accept a relationship.
23:27
SPEAKER_02: That's good.
23:28
SPEAKER_02: That's good be and and I have to say this again because when when you're healed your vision is clear of what you need what you want and what you won't tolerate.
23:41
SPEAKER_02: Absolutely yeah yeah you you're not in a desperate situation to to be in a relationship you know exactly what you want what you need and what you will not tolerate.
23:54
SPEAKER_00: Because you don't have those tainted goggles on looking at the world and relationships now you've got those tainted goggles off and you're seeing clearly and that's what you you want.
24:08
SPEAKER_00: And you were able to rip those bandages off.
24:10
SPEAKER_00: That's right pull that band-aid off and heal you know right the song says I can see clearly now the rain has gone I shouldn't sing no no you no don't let's not let's not sing okay now here's some common mistakes made in the healing phase rushing the process trying with in in other words trying to fast I'm sorry trying to fast forward this pain and it usually delay does delays the real healing yeah when you fast forward the pain it delays the true healing and I I'm gonna give you an example of that young lady coming out of a bad relationship she went away took a vacation and I said to her that I'm happy for you taking a vacation but this isn't going to heal you so she went on vacation and she's thinking that when she comes back it'll be good.
25:13
SPEAKER_00: But you come back to the same house to the same area to the same places where you were spending time with your ex.
25:22
SPEAKER_00: So now you've had that little freedom now you've come back and you walk right back into the same thing.
25:29
SPEAKER_00: Right right don't think by taking a trip it's gonna heal you because that was just a short band aid you put on yourself.
25:38
SPEAKER_00: Healing comes with time with working on yourself even getting help to work on yourself.
25:45
SPEAKER_02: Right right and as I said don't try to fast forward don't try to push through that pain so process.
25:54
SPEAKER_02: Exactly so fast because it's just gonna delay the healing.
25:58
SPEAKER_02: Put it in the low you it has to it takes time to for to s work on yourself.
26:05
SPEAKER_02: And you may need to work on yourself through a a relationship coach through a a counselor through therapy whatever it takes you can't fast forward through the pain when you're when you know you're in pain when you know you you're having a hard time releasing that relationship you may need a little help.
26:28
SPEAKER_00: Yeah and time and and don't put it into to false gear and think you're gonna outrun it.
26:36
SPEAKER_02: Right it'll only catch up that yep in that moment you have slow down there it is right whoops there it is and then you yeah and fast forwarding into jumping into relationships as we mentioned before that that that does not work.
26:52
SPEAKER_02: You've got to get through the the pain and the anguish the anger that what what anxiety whatever emotions you're you dealt with in that relationship and that you're still dealing with once it's gone yeah you that has to be fixed before gotta work on before you find a a healthy relationship before you're able to get into a healthier relationship.
27:20
SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't matter how long the relationship was whether it's a month or six months or six years or whatever it is always allow yourself excuse me allow yourself time to heal.
27:34
SPEAKER_02: Right and another common mistake made in the healing process is isolating yourself.
27:41
SPEAKER_02: Oh healing doesn't mean cutting yourself from cutting yourself off from society and a lot of people do a lot of people will just shut shut themselves off from society I'm not going out with my friends I'm not going out period I'm just going to just sit here and wallow in my pain and frustration and anger and loneliness.
28:08
SPEAKER_00: You know a lot of that is is shame failure.
28:12
SPEAKER_00: You blame yourself and you don't want to go out you don't want to confront the world because you don't you don't want people to know or you know because you assume that people are going to look at you as you couldn't even keep a relationship together you couldn't do this you could people hide because they're afraid of what the outside world is saying.
28:31
SPEAKER_00: Don't shut yourself off because that's part of healing.
28:34
SPEAKER_02: Yes yes you have to get out right right and you should have friends that that you that can help you get through this you should have friends that you can hang with.
28:46
SPEAKER_00: And we're not talking about the friend that says I told you it no good you know that's not the type of friend we're talking about we're talking about the ride or die friend that listens and doesn't judge.
28:57
SPEAKER_02: Well but sometimes they do say that.
28:59
SPEAKER_02: Yeah they did sometimes it does come out that way but they mean well they mean what the the because sometimes people on the outside will see more of what you see being on the inside.
29:11
SPEAKER_00: Yes and absolutely and until you see friends will will see thing the change in you.
29:20
SPEAKER_02: Right and then not not the change for good and until you see for yourself that this person is not right for your life that nobody a lot of times no one else can help you with that.
29:35
SPEAKER_01: Right.
29:36
SPEAKER_02: No matter how many times you hear you you shouldn't be with them they're not good for you but until you see it for yourself and then heal from it.
29:47
SPEAKER_00: I I'm gonna say this when you get up in the morning you're brushing your teeth you're fixing your hair doing all this stuff and you look in the mirror and you no longer see yourself you're not healed.
30:01
SPEAKER_00: Yeah you're lost yeah it's when you can stand in front of the mirror and you can go yeah I'm back right that's it and an another common mistake made in the healing process is that you fantasize over the past you remember the highlights but you ignore the reality the highlights oh we we went on trips we uh we went on expensive dates to expensive restaurants but you don't look at the reality of the demeaning the personality that he had demeaning the controlling and all those things let's just a lot of time and you hear a saying you know women because this happens a lot with women more but um men too go through this they will play the highlight reel it's like when the game is over and they play all the highlights that's what people do they play the highlight reel in their head oh my gosh I remember you know oh we went out for dinner we came back and oh the sex was so good and you would cuddle me and or we went out and we were on this boat trip you're playing all these highlight reels in your head trying to convince yourself that maybe it's wasn't that bad.
31:28
SPEAKER_00: Right that's or it was me.
31:32
SPEAKER_00: No don't do that to yourself.
31:34
SPEAKER_00: Right.
31:35
SPEAKER_00: The moment you start thinking like that you gotta jump up and say uh uh get on the go for a walk go to the gym work out get that out your head get that out of your head because the moment you start playing those highlight reels ooh it doesn't end well nope nope and here's another common mistake made in the healing process is that you you tell yourself you're ready but you're not really it's too soon you might feel better but you haven't done the work again until that work is done with a coach or counselor or therapist when you need to fix what's broken inside.
32:15
SPEAKER_02: Yes you need to fix that and and heal from the inside out.
32:20
SPEAKER_00: Especially when it was a very deep relationship with a lot of you know abuse controlling all those things where it it it held you at hostage you really you can't heal by yourself.
32:37
SPEAKER_02: You you gotta get some help unless you're really really good at self-healing.
32:43
SPEAKER_00: If you're really really good at self-healing we'll we'll come aboard we'll hire you but you you've got to because we we don't we don't sit here and give you all this stuff we've been through stuff ourselves we've we've had so much experience not just personally but through all the um uh coaching we've done training we've done and so if you've only been in a relationship for a month it's not too bad to heal yourself unless it was an abusive relationship or something but typically you've been in a relationship for a few months a couple of years you're gonna need some form of help and we're not saying us but from anybody that is a good reparable that can help you.
33:32
SPEAKER_00: And nothing's wrong with having a therapist a coach or there's absolutely nothing you'll never hear us say oh come to us come to us come we're not gonna ever tell you that because we want you to pick what's good for you and get help.
33:49
SPEAKER_02: And a lot of people nowadays are going towards uh having a therapist on speed dial yeah there's nothing wrong with it no no because when when you rush into a relationship the old patterns may show up yes and I like this I like I I use this I haven't used it in a long time but your picker may be broken.
34:12
SPEAKER_00: Your picker or pecker?
34:14
SPEAKER_00: No picker picker yeah you know pick pick a relationship you know when you're uh picking somebody to date picking somebody to have a relationship with picking somebody that you want in your life your picker might be broken so yeah but and it's funny because um you heard me talk about apples earlier I I bought some apples and it's funny how people can stand there and go through the fruit and take their time and pick the right thing but you can't take the time to pick a good relationship.
34:47
SPEAKER_00: Right.
34:48
SPEAKER_02: Come on yeah take your time take your time fix your picker yeah fix your picker picker not picker no picker picker picker now let's look at what healing really looks like in practice go for it okay instead of busying yourself you actually process the hurt you don't ignore the hurt you don't ignore the pain you don't ignore the struggles of that relationship you actually process it and we said in our last podcast journal journal what happened in that relationship so you can actually see it for yourself.
35:25
SPEAKER_00: Yeah because journaling is like an authentic replay as opposed to what because over time your feelings change the story.
35:37
SPEAKER_02: Right and lots of your feelings right a lot of times you cannot depend on on your feelings you have to look at the actual process the actual happenings of that relationship.
35:51
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely like like I said you know if we were to walk around with a camera strapped to our chest in life and we play it back we'd be shocked on some of the stuff that we do.
36:02
SPEAKER_02: Right right and an and another visual of what healing looks like you can admit where you ignored the red red flags or I s how many times I saw the signs but I ignored them.
36:18
SPEAKER_02: Because that smile was so cute and those dimples or the highlights of that relationship you ignored the the red flags because of the highlights.
36:30
SPEAKER_00: Yes and just because there is a few good times they don't outweigh the bad times.
36:37
SPEAKER_02: Right.
36:38
SPEAKER_02: So when you can admit that you ignore the red flags you'll tr I'm sure you'll try hard hard not to ignore them in the next relationship.
36:49
SPEAKER_02: And then here's another what what healing looks like you start trusting your decisions and here we go not just your feelings.
36:57
SPEAKER_00: Yep feelings will lead you down a path that uh into the dark alleys into the don't go you know a lot of time people will take the feelings and use it as oh this is meant to be right yeah feelings will lead lead you into not go by that dark path your because feelings is that that that lust for that hormone that you know sexual thing it's it's very misleading.
37:36
SPEAKER_02: Right.
37:36
SPEAKER_02: And again when you look at your your journal and you see you look at the true happenings of the relationship and how things went it and you know if you're not in the really it went left instead of right you'll make better decisions.
37:53
SPEAKER_02: You'll make clearer decisions.
37:55
SPEAKER_00: And sex does not heal no because a lot of time they have they've had an argument something they had sex and then oh they really love me.
38:05
SPEAKER_00: No.
38:06
SPEAKER_02: And you forget about the hurt for a while until it happens again.
38:11
SPEAKER_02: But you have to be clear on what you will or will not accept and follow through with it.
38:20
SPEAKER_02: You have to follow through with what you will and will not accept not just say it, okay I'm not next relationship, you know, I'm not going to accept being ignored I'm not gonna accept the inconsistency you know of and they have to be legitimate things.
38:38
SPEAKER_00: Just because a guy didn't call you back that evening because they got busy and they didn't come back until late and they didn't want to disturb you or whatever and but they called you the next day don't take that as a red flag.
38:52
SPEAKER_00: Stuff gets in the way we're talking about the the constant repetitive things that happen all the time.
38:58
SPEAKER_02: Right the serious stuff the littering the the maybe the the abuse or the pushing or the shoving or name calling you know these are things that you really have to look at yeah and if you don't want to accept that do you have to follow through with it.
39:13
SPEAKER_02: Not let it happen in in in the next relationship.
39:17
SPEAKER_02: Well he just he just called me out of my name just because we were angry no that that shouldn't be even in in anger never called my partner out of her name ever.
39:29
SPEAKER_00: Yeah it it even in anger it should not be where they're belittling you and calling you out of your name or pushing you around that's you you have to know there's a difference joking around you know in and joking with your partner and oh fettes and you know that's all joking around you both laugh about it but when it's malicious and when it's hateful that's not acceptable.
39:57
SPEAKER_02: It's not acceptable and should not be accepted.
40:00
SPEAKER_02: No now how do you know you're ready to date again?
40:06
SPEAKER_02: I have some pointers, Professor Go for it.
40:08
SPEAKER_02: Okay here's how you know you're ready to date again you can talk about the past without being triggered or get riled up or in other words getting all crazy.
40:19
SPEAKER_00: Right and then here you know you want and what you you know what what I'm sorry you know what does and what doesn't work for you I think that's a hard thing for people to see what works and because you know and we're not saying this is all stuff is easy.
40:40
SPEAKER_00: This is not what we're saying.
40:42
SPEAKER_00: This is stuff that you have to work on and it's not easy because you're in a habit.
40:49
SPEAKER_00: Yeah and habits are hard to break because you pick the same thing just like we talked about that that show um pop the balloon or whatever it's called and you know it's well it's not my typical type well why are you there in the show?
41:05
SPEAKER_00: Because obviously your typical type's not been working so that's what you have to look at.
41:10
SPEAKER_00: You can't say well you know I like them like this I like them like that.
41:13
SPEAKER_00: It's got you nowhere.
41:14
SPEAKER_00: Right.
41:15
SPEAKER_00: It's time for a change and take the change seriously.
41:20
SPEAKER_02: And he the he when we spoke of journaling if you journal you know some people have a list of what they want in a relationship what they want in the the the next the their significant other they have a list write down the list of what you will and will not accept what you want and what you don't want in a relationship.
41:46
SPEAKER_02: Write these things down so you can visually see making note of it and following through with it.
41:52
SPEAKER_00: Absolutely but they've got to be legitimate things yeah not that um they didn't take the trash out when I said or he he wears um checkered shirts yeah or he he likes he likes flannel shirts or you know I don't like that that he wears these torn boxer shorts gotta be legitimate you know uh everybody's I I've got a pair of boxes that the the thing has got a tear in it but it's one of my favorite ones.
42:23
SPEAKER_00: Oh wow you know who cares okay but that the what I'm saying is pick legit not stupid things a lot of time in a relationship people focus on stupid stuff.
42:33
SPEAKER_02: Because you know what you want in a relationship you know what makes you feel good you know what lifts you so write these things down up and and so you see it and you follow through with it.
42:47
SPEAKER_00: And it doesn't have to be a written journal because now they've got apps that have a journal video apps where you can actually have your phone and you can be talking into it they have audio um journals so you don't have to write anymore now with the advent of apps and everything else there's stuff for everything.
43:06
SPEAKER_00: So you know technology's there to help you so you can do a video journal apps have got where you can um do a quick video right on stuff like that.
43:17
SPEAKER_00: So when we say journal doesn't have to be actual writing you can do video you can do audio on this all type of stuff.
43:23
SPEAKER_02: But then play it back so you so you remind yourself these are the things that I'm looking for in my next relationship.
43:31
SPEAKER_02: Exactly this is what I need in my next relationship.
43:35
SPEAKER_00: And not stupid things like well you didn't take the trash out when I said let's make something clear a guy has a ton of things to think about.
43:45
SPEAKER_00: He has to think about all the bills, the mortgage the rent, the call notes all these things and dealing with work and because he doesn't take the trash out when you say that come on let that go.
43:57
SPEAKER_02: So in the journaling it would be I want somebody to take
44:00
SPEAKER_00: out the trash is that what that that is that what you're saying yeah no yeah that's that I need somebody to take out yeah yeah that's that's that's petty yeah you know because a lot of times when you ask a guy to do something he'll do it but he'll do it because he may be sitting there right now come home from work and he's trying to unwind and his brain's going a billion miles an hour and I take a trash out then just give him a minute all right it's not that serious.
44:26
SPEAKER_02: Now here's another a pointer of how you know you're ready to date again dating doesn't feel intentional it's not urgent.
44:34
SPEAKER_02: So you don't need to ha rush out and find somebody to to date or here's a good thing.
44:42
SPEAKER_00: When you're ready to get back into dating don't date go meet a friend for cough if you've met someone keep it as well um I'm happy to go you know have coffee with you you know don't make it a date see if you're ready use that as a tester to see if you're ready.
45:02
SPEAKER_02: Right.
45:02
SPEAKER_02: And then you're if if you're not looking and you you don't really want to jump into another dating scenario spend time with your friends.
45:13
SPEAKER_02: That's it.
45:13
SPEAKER_02: Go out with your go out with your friends.
45:15
SPEAKER_00: Hang out with your friends and friends exactly and then you're and don't be afraid to go to your friend's barbecue by yourself.
45:22
SPEAKER_00: Right.
45:23
SPEAKER_00: Because trust me there are gonna be people there at the barbecue going man I wish I could do that.
45:28
SPEAKER_02: Right.
45:29
SPEAKER_02: And you're not looking for someone to fill the gap you already feel whole right you know if you feel that you're not enough by yourself that is that is a problem.
45:42
SPEAKER_00: Yes you gotta again that is feeling good about yourself and being prepared to take on the world.
45:52
SPEAKER_02: Right.
45:53
SPEAKER_00: And I have a few questions for for our listeners to think about if you're thinking about uh questioning whether or not you're ready for a relationship here's number one have uh have I addressed the old patterns from my past relationships oh that's good number two do I trust myself to walk away from something that doesn't feel right oh that's even better yeah so we have uh you have any last points before I go to my conclusion love yourself build strength around yourself and don't make yourself to feel weak you are strong and this is just but a moment in time you will heal yes so in conclusion I hope you made notes and take notes but healing isn't about becoming someone new it's about coming back to yourself the healthier you are emotionally the healthier your relationship will be just take your time don't rush or force yourself into a relationship because you be you become it and it determines who you're attracting and who you're attracted to.
47:08
SPEAKER_02: And finally healing takes time and not the kind of time you measure in days or weeks but the kind you measure in growth in awareness in small shifts and that's not something to rush that's something to get right I love it.
47:27
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
47:28
SPEAKER_02: So Professor you have any last words thank you to our awesome listeners.
47:33
SPEAKER_00: Thank you and um I guess I'll see you on the next one.
47:38
SPEAKER_00: Yes we look forward to seeing you on the next one.
47:41
SPEAKER_00: And if we help a few people and it touched you drop us a line let us know.
47:47
SPEAKER_02: Yes.
47:48
SPEAKER_02: And we want to thank you listeners for being a part of the relationship coaching group community.
47:53
SPEAKER_02: And if today's conversation resonated with you remember that strong relationships don't just happen.
47:59
SPEAKER_02: They're built with awareness communication and the courage to grow together.
48:04
SPEAKER_02: And if you've enjoyed this episode make sure to follow the podcast so you don't miss future conversations about dating relationships emotional growth and building deeper connection and if you know someone who might benefit from today's topic share this episode with them.
48:23
SPEAKER_02: And you can find us at relationshipcoaching group dot com where you'll have all the information and if you want to make a give us a topic suggestion feel free.
48:35
SPEAKER_02: And until next time speak your needs clearly listen without interrupting and remember you're not alone together we got this we got you