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When Married Men Swipe Right: Dating Apps' Dirty Secret · The Diva Details

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  Welcome to the Diva Detail. Welcome to the Diva
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  Detail, where bold, confident women embrace life
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  unapologetically. From love and sex to wellness
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  and reinvention, we keep it raw, real,
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  and powerful. No filters, no limits,
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  just fearless conversations to help you thrive.
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  Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Kat.
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  Well, hello, this is Diva Mia. And today we are going
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  to talk about the current dating situation that's kind of out there on
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  the dating apps. Recently, I went back and was on the dating
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  apps and I actually had people that were
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  married try to talk to me to pick me up
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  and wanna go out with me. And I was shocked because to
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  me, marriage is vow. And when you're married, you should be sticking to
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  the person that you're with. This one hits close to home with
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  me because I was in a marriage where I had a partner that cheated.
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  So for me, when someone is trying to pick me up that is
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  in a marriage, it kind of grosses me out a little bit.
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  We're going to tackle the topic that for many of us, especially the
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  big-hearted ones of us and sincere people out there trying to
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  find real love in this digital age, are having to experience.
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  It's not just people that are married. It's also people that are in relationships
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  that either lie or they just wanna have a side
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  piece. If you've been on 'em for more than 5 minutes, you've probably been having
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  problems on them. You've likely stumbled across it or
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  worse, fallen into the trap where you started dating someone
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  and then you found out they were married or in a relationship
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  already. When you match with someone, conversation is flowing, you seem like you're— the
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  spark is there, you're getting along, and then somehow the truth leaks out. Maybe you
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  find out before the date, maybe you find out a few dates in or even
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  longer, or maybe it doesn't leak out right away, but you find out weeks
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  or months later that they're in a relationship or that they're married and they
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  have a whole nother life. They might be living with someone, or if
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  they are straight up married, it's even worse. Sometimes they're upfront
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  about it. I'm in an unhappy marriage, or my partner and I live separate lives,
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  or we're just roommates and there's no flair left. We have to stay
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  together for the kids. I've heard that before. Other times they lie through their teeth
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  and pretend that they're completely single.
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  In order to hook up with you. But either way, it leaves you holding the
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  bag of moral conflict, emotional confusion, and potential heartbreak.
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  Today we're talking about why this happens, the delusion of thinking
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  it'll be different with me, and how to spot red flags
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  early and how to protect your health, your standards, and your energy.
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  So let's dive in. Why are people who are actively living with
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  a partner or wearing a wedding band sitting on Tinder,
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  Bumble, or Hinge? It usually comes down to 3 different dynamics.
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  The validation fix. For many, swiping isn't even about
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  meeting up. It's a dopamine hit. They're bored in their long-term
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  setup. Getting matches gives them an instant ego boost without
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  leaving the comfort of their home. These might be the people that are just talking
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  to you forever, texting. They don't actually have any Plans
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  to meet up, although it is a very slippery slope for them. Then the unhappy
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  relationship justification. What people tell you is,
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  I'm stuck in a loveless relationship, or we're basically roommates.
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  Remember, whether this is 100% true or a total lie,
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  they are choosing to externalize their problems rather than fix them
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  or end their relationship. They want the safety net of their
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  home life plus the excitement of someone new. And then there's the app
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  disconnect. Dating apps turn real human beings into digital options.
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  It normalizes disposability and makes secret behavior
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  dangerously easy to hide behind a screen. Whether they are lying to you
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  or telling you the brutal truth, the result is the same. They're inviting
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  you to become a secret actor in a drama you never asked to join.
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  Then there's the logic trap. If they don't do it with you, they'll do it
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  to you. So if you think that later on they're going to
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  be faithful, think again. They may say, well, the marriage is really over and they
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  like you better. The problem with that is ask yourself the hard questions.
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  How would you feel if someone did this to you? Put yourself in the shoes
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  of the partner sitting at home, maybe completely oblivious
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  or unaware that the person sharing their bed is swiping on other people's profiles
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  and hooking up with them. There's the golden rule: integrity should matter.
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  And what makes you think you're the exception? You just may be the side piece
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  and they may have multiple ones of you. If a person is willing to
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  betray someone they share a home with, someone they once swore to love,
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  what makes you think they won't do the exact same thing to you 6 months
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  or 2 years down the road once the honeymoon stage fades?
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  When the initial butterflies wear off, because they always do,
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  their baseline coping mechanism for relationship difficulty isn't
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  communication or work. It's seeking external validation
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  and distraction. So don't lower your standards to build a foundation
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  on someone else's quicksand because that's really what you would be having.
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  They're going to do the same thing to you later on. How do you protect
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  yourself though from the ones who hide it? The ones who swear up and down
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  they're single? Here are some non-negotiable red flags to watch out for. The communications
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  schedule. This is where they only text or call during specific
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  windows like work hours or during their commute or late at
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  night from a bathroom or a garage. Weekend evenings
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  calls are also practically nonexistent.
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  There's no spontaneous dates. Every meetup has to be planned days
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  in advance. They rarely agree to last-minute hangs,
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  especially on weekends or holidays. There's also the geographic
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  avoidance. They always want to hang out at your place in town 20 minutes away,
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  but never near their neighborhood or local places. And then there's the zero
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  digital footprint. They don't want to exchange social media,
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  so their profiles are completely ghosted private, or they
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  claim they don't use technology much while meeting you. On a
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  smartphone app. Really? Come on. Body language and disconnection
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  as well. They may keep their phone face down, notifications turned off,
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  or take calls in another room every single time. Or they may say they're only
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  dating you and you're the one and they're only relying on you,
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  and then they have 4 or 5 other people lined up. If your gut
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  is telling you something doesn't line up, trust it. Do not ignore smoke
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  when looking specifically at a fire. And you also need to protect
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  your health and your essence. And your heart. This brings us to
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  the core of self-respect. Modern hookup culture tries to tell us that sex is
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  just physical, like shaking hands or getting a coffee.
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  But deep down, most of us know that's not true. Every time you share intimate
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  physical space with someone, you share your energy, your essence,
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  and your vulnerabilities. You, you, why would you give that level of
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  access to someone who lacks basic honesty and integrity?
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  Here's the other protection protocol you need to keep in mind is slow
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  down and hold the line. Stop rushing into intimacy. Waiting to have
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  sex filters out 90% of the players. The dishonest ones will just
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  move on. And the bored married folks looking for a quick fix, sometimes they just
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  don't want to wait it out. Someone who's genuinely single and healthy and interested
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  in you will respect your timelines. Mandatory sexual health conversations
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  also are important because you need to make sure that the physical steps
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  get tested for STDs ahead of time. Make full STD panels a normal
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  adult conversation. Before you ever get physically intimate with anyone.
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  Anyone who scoffs at or avoids getting tested is showing you
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  immediately that they don't value safety or accountability. And then
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  you need to guard your standards. Don't let a toxic dating market make you feel
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  like you have to settle for breadcrumbs or dishonesty. The arrangements out
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  there right now, you don't need to have companionship. You can move on.
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  Wait for the right person. The current dating scene is exhausting.
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  I will say a lot of really good, big-hearted people who generally want real
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  connection are getting burned by these slimy, people. The solution
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  isn't to become cold, bitter, or cheapen your own value
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  to fit in with a broken system. The solution is to hold tighter to your
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  integrity, to your boundaries, and raise your standards higher and refuse
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  to participate in dishonesty. Good people with high morals still exist,
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  and when you protect your energy, you make room for actually someone else
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  that's good as well to find them. Take care of yourself, guard your heart,
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  and it'll catch the the bad ones that are out there, but you have
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  to protect your energy. You have to protect your physical body. You have
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  to protect your sexual health. And you have to make sure that those people out
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  there that are lying to you, you figure it out soon. And the longer you
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  wait, sometimes the truth just reveals itself. And then
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  the people that are actually out there and married, if they're not good
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  enough to talk to their spouse and end it, why are you wasting your
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  time? Because The reality is they just wanna have their cake and eat it too.
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  Those are duplicitous type people. Do you really want someone like that in
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  your life? Someone that can compartmentalize and have multiple
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  relationships with multiple people at the same time? You get to choose your standard.
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  You get to choose your self-worth. You got to determine who you wanna be.
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  Yes, life is short and you should have fun, but that doesn't
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  mean you have to degrade yourself in the meantime. And if you are in one
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  of those relationships and you find out that your partner has a wife,
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  or a husband or another significant
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  other, you need to have a serious conversation with yourself and maybe get a therapist
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  involved because there's a hole in you that you're trying to stuff full with
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  someone that's not valuing you as a person, that's not respecting you
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  and who you are because every single time they sleep with someone else,
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  they're putting your health at risk. They're putting your life at risk.
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  It can be deadly. It really can. Remember when you see people
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  and you know, lately the They've been more brazen, I will say.
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  I've had several men tell me where they were married and they're just in unhappy
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  relationships. And I'm like, no, I don't get involved in anyone's
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  relationship. If they're unhappy, they need to go work that stuff out. Once they get
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  divorced, they can come talk to me. But until then, it's not worth my time.
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  There's too many other valuable people out there and you're valuable too.
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  Remember your value, love yourself, and stay strong
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  out there. I know it's rough and I know it's tough, but you'll get
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  through this too. This is Diva Mia. I hope you have a wonderful
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  week. And have a safe weekend and stay safe.
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  Bye. Ciao,