Latest / Magic Divorce Club Podcast / Ep 20: Wintering - The Magic of Slowing Down During Divorce

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Ep 20: Wintering - The Magic of Slowing Down During Divorce · Magic Divorce Club Podcast

0:01
SPEAKER_00: Welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
0:05
This is your space to successfully navigate your divorce with
0:10
confidence and create
0:11
SPEAKER_00: a roadmap to the life of your dreams.
0:15
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host Hannah Harvey.
0:16
I'm the author of How to Divorce Sober and I have helped
0:20
thousands of women to
0:21
SPEAKER_00: process the trauma of divorce and step into an exciting future.
0:27
Please like and subscribe because this really helps my little
0:31
podcast to grow and
0:33
if you would like more from me you can subscribe at
0:36
magicdivorceclub.substack.com
0:40
SPEAKER_00: for a host of other support tools.
0:47
SPEAKER_00: Hello and welcome to the Magic Divorce Club podcast.
0:51
It's me Hannah and today as we enter into crazy season but also
0:59
winter I want to
1:00
SPEAKER_00: talk about the magic of slowing down during your divorce.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: Now if
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I could sum up divorce as seasons I would say it's autumn
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because we are letting
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things go learning lessons so like the shedding of the leaves
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if you consider each
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of the leaves are like lessons that's very much what it feels
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like it's about it's
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SPEAKER_00: a huge transition so it's a transition from you know we used to have
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branches full of leaves and now they're gone and that could be
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representing your
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identity um you know how you feel as a mother how you feel now
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that you are no
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longer a wife all that kind of stuff like so it's autumnal
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vibes and then going
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SPEAKER_00: into winter so retreating
2:08
leaning on deep rest to allow everything that we have learned
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during that autumnal
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SPEAKER_00: phase to integrate,
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SPEAKER_00: to nourish us.
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And this is a really important thing that we have to do so that
2:24
we appear,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: when spring comes and it will come,
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SPEAKER_00: we're rejuvenated.
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We've learned the things that we needed to learn and we're not
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going to repeat the
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SPEAKER_00: same patterns.
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So we're ready for our transformation when it comes to spring
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and when it comes to summer.
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SPEAKER_00: So the whole purpose of this episode is to...
2:52
SPEAKER_00: Try and help you see winter from a different perspective.
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SPEAKER_00: Because I know so many people are like, God, I hate winter.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't want it.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't like the dark nights.
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SPEAKER_00: I don't like that it's cold.
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SPEAKER_00: All of that kind of stuff.
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And I would love you to leave this and kind of be like,
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oh,
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maybe it's a good thing after all.
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SPEAKER_00: So, you know, winter, traditionally, like...
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animals literally hibernate hibernate so it's this season of
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retreat going inside
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um there's a beautiful book by a woman called Catherine May
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called Wintering um
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SPEAKER_00: And if you're struggling with this idea that you want to retreat,
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SPEAKER_00: you're feeling exhausted,
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SPEAKER_00: but you feel like you shouldn't.
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SPEAKER_00: You're going through a huge transition in your life.
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SPEAKER_00: Divorce is a lot.
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SPEAKER_00: And if you're feeling like,
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SPEAKER_00: I shouldn't be feeling like this,
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SPEAKER_00: I highly recommend that you get this book,
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SPEAKER_00: Wintering by Catherine May.
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SPEAKER_00: Because she's talking about how
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SPEAKER_00: If you can own this wintering phase of your life, it isn't a weakness.
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It's all about gathering wisdom and preparing yourself for
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what's coming next.
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SPEAKER_00: So it is,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: these hard seasons in our lives,
4:18
SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: they come around seasonally every year,
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SPEAKER_00: but they also,
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SPEAKER_00: for a reason,
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SPEAKER_00: because we need to rest,
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SPEAKER_00: but also in our lives.
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SPEAKER_00: There are moments,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: whole decades of our lives where we're like,
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SPEAKER_00: we know what we're doing,
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SPEAKER_00: we're winning.
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SPEAKER_00: And then there's times when something shit happens.
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SPEAKER_00: And that's when we have to retreat and learn and grow.
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SPEAKER_00: Like that is where the evolution lives.
4:40
SPEAKER_00: Yeah.
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So these harder seasons in our lives are asking us to slow down
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so that our inner
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SPEAKER_00: world,
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SPEAKER_00: the bits of us,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: our poor little hearts and spirits,
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SPEAKER_00: when we go through divorce,
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SPEAKER_00: are just like,
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SPEAKER_00: what the fuck?
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SPEAKER_00: And they need time to catch up with what's going on.
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SPEAKER_00: So divorce is almost like a forced winter.
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I like,
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I don't know about you,
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but I got triggered so easily all the time.
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SPEAKER_00: And it was like, I just couldn't operate normally anymore.
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SPEAKER_00: And so I had to kind of, it was like I was forced into stillness.
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You know,
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at one point it was like,
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I literally can't do anything at the moment.
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SPEAKER_00: Like,
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SPEAKER_00: this week needs to be about being quiet and still and not being...
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SPEAKER_00: Because my propensity is to go into over-productivity,
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SPEAKER_00: to try and be like,
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SPEAKER_00: everything's okay,
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SPEAKER_00: we're fine,
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SPEAKER_00: I'm going to over-deliver.
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And then what happens when you do too much,
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you stretch too much,
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you can snap.
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SPEAKER_00: And that's what I did.
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SPEAKER_00: Had a bit of a breakdown.
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SPEAKER_00: And it's in those moments that you're like, oh...
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SPEAKER_00: Now I have to rest.
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SPEAKER_00: You know, it happens to people in careers all the time, they burn out.
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SPEAKER_00: And so rest is forced on them.
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SPEAKER_00: What happens when you're ill?
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SPEAKER_00: You have to rest and we're so bad at it.
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SPEAKER_00: But this is the invitation to your heart,
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SPEAKER_00: your soul,
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SPEAKER_00: your spirit,
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all of these bits of you that are really struggling with this
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new transition in
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SPEAKER_00: your life.
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SPEAKER_00: It's that invitation to rest, to nest, to soothe, to repair.
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SPEAKER_00: And it's not about doing nothing.
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SPEAKER_00: You know, it's not like you're just sitting there doing nothing.
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SPEAKER_00: It's necessary.
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SPEAKER_00: Like this season in our lives is not a setback.
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It's actually sanctuary to learn and grow and to integrate all
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of these things that
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SPEAKER_00: have come up for us.
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SPEAKER_00: So why wintering really matters during your divorce is that,
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SPEAKER_00: like I said before,
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SPEAKER_00: you are operating from a highly activated nervous system.
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SPEAKER_00: So your entire body is wired, looking for danger.
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SPEAKER_00: So at any moment, you're like, is that danger?
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SPEAKER_00: Is that danger?
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SPEAKER_00: And we have to teach ourselves that we're not in danger.
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SPEAKER_00: But in order to do that, you have to look after yourself.
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SPEAKER_00: So I work in the Magic Divorce Club.
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SPEAKER_00: If you've been here a while,
7:26
SPEAKER_00: you'll know that I talk about this queen energy and the maiden energy.
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SPEAKER_00: And I believe that we have both.
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SPEAKER_00: So like my maiden is mostly what you're seeing here.
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SPEAKER_00: So the queen has gone, go and do a podcast.
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SPEAKER_00: But really, I need my maiden energy in order to be who I am.
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SPEAKER_00: It's like almost...
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SPEAKER_00: a really important part of my personality.
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SPEAKER_00: And when she's hurt,
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SPEAKER_00: sad,
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SPEAKER_00: pissed off,
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SPEAKER_00: not feeling looked after,
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I find it really hard to show up and to do the things that are
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really important to
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SPEAKER_00: me in my life,
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SPEAKER_00: which are connecting with people,
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SPEAKER_00: you guys,
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SPEAKER_00: and experiencing transformation.
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SPEAKER_00: Those are my core values.
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SPEAKER_00: So in order to access that magic for me,
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I have to use my queen to actively look after that maiden
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energy in me so when
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you're feeling exhausted when you feel like you're completely
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on your own you're
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SPEAKER_00: grieving you've got emotional spikes that is the time that you're
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like the winter energy supports regulation so that is the time
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to actively use your
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queen energy to say we're going to look after you now we're
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going to lower the
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demands we're going to move into soft nesting I'm just seeing
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you guys now just
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wrapped up in blankets with a nice candle and a beautiful cup
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of herbal tea and
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SPEAKER_00: just being quiet and going
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SPEAKER_00: I've done enough.
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SPEAKER_00: I now need to support my nervous system so I can heal.
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SPEAKER_00: So the signs,
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SPEAKER_00: you know,
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SPEAKER_00: if you are feeling like this and you're trying to push through,
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the signs that you need to start your wintering and really just
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go with the season,
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SPEAKER_00: we're literally going into it,
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SPEAKER_00: are things like low energy.
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SPEAKER_00: If you're waking up
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SPEAKER_00: If you are waking up in the morning and you're still exhausted,
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SPEAKER_00: that's a really good sign that you need to slow down.
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SPEAKER_00: If you feel like you are retreating and you want solitude, that's okay.
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SPEAKER_00: It's okay.
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SPEAKER_00: We might be like, oh God, I can't go out.
9:42
SPEAKER_00: No, I can't go out.
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SPEAKER_00: I must go out because that's what I'm normally like.
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SPEAKER_00: It's okay to be like,
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No,
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actually,
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at the moment,
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you know,
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I'm finding social situations triggering.
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SPEAKER_00: You might have increased sensitivity, things like that.
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SPEAKER_00: So wanting to retreat is absolutely fine.
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SPEAKER_00: It's not forever.
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It's about deeply looking after yourself so that you can come
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back into spring rejuvenated.
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SPEAKER_00: So if you're feeling those things,
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SPEAKER_00: the low energy,
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SPEAKER_00: the wanting solitude,
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SPEAKER_00: the social noise being triggering,
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SPEAKER_00: that's something that's actually lasted for me now.
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SPEAKER_00: I have to wear loops if I go anywhere.
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SPEAKER_00: We went to Sam Fender last year and I had a hangover in the morning,
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SPEAKER_00: even though I've not drunk for eight years.
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SPEAKER_00: And it was because of all of the noise and the lights.
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SPEAKER_00: I had to wear sunglasses.
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It was nighttime,
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but the lights off the stage,
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my sensitivity levels are just different now.
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SPEAKER_00: I've also discovered I'm an introvert and not an extrovert.
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SPEAKER_00: Who knew?
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SPEAKER_00: Well, my nervous system knew.
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SPEAKER_00: And that's probably why I drank to the point of needing to quit.
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Because I was constantly numbing my actual personality without
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realising it.
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SPEAKER_00: So there's so much... It's like the germinating.
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SPEAKER_00: If you've ever felt like you don't properly know yourself...
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SPEAKER_00: and you're not sure who you are or who you were even before,
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SPEAKER_00: this wintering process is going to be so beautiful for you.
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SPEAKER_00: And I would love to be a part of it.
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SPEAKER_00: So please,
11:25
SPEAKER_00: you know,
11:25
come and join the Magic Circle and do the Magic Mondays with us
11:29
as a group so we
11:30
SPEAKER_00: can really start to help and support,
11:33
SPEAKER_00: you know,
11:34
SPEAKER_00: you,
11:35
SPEAKER_00: me,
11:35
all of us in understanding who it is that we really are and who
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we're trying to
11:42
SPEAKER_00: connect with.
11:45
So the power of honouring this phase of your life and this
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wintering phase is it
11:52
means that your spring is going to be so powerful because you
11:57
understand yourself
11:58
SPEAKER_00: now.
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You've understood now what your core values are so that those
12:03
are the things that
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are going to motivate you as you start to decide what your
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spring is going to look
12:08
SPEAKER_00: like.
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SPEAKER_00: When you stop resisting this hard phase,
12:16
SPEAKER_00: actually going in with the torch into the dark spaces,
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SPEAKER_00: the things that we're afraid of and we actually expose ourselves to them,
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SPEAKER_00: they start becoming so scary.
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You know,
12:28
if a kid is afraid of a monster under the bed,
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you don't just go,
12:32
there's no monster.
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SPEAKER_00: Get a torch.
12:34
SPEAKER_00: Have a look under the bed to show them there's nothing there.
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SPEAKER_00: That's how we learn is by going in.
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SPEAKER_00: So winter is not about ending my life's over.
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SPEAKER_00: It's preparing for the next step.
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SPEAKER_00: It's the incubation period.
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SPEAKER_00: Did you ever like at school,
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did they ever bring in like an incubator with little eggs and
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chicks and the
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SPEAKER_00: lights?
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SPEAKER_00: It's this.
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SPEAKER_00: It's not because it's going to stay like that forever.
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It's because once the incubation period is finished,
13:06
the little cute chicks are going to hatch.
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SPEAKER_00: And that's you and your life.
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SPEAKER_00: It's like there's so many beautiful things on the other side of this.
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SPEAKER_00: And wintering is going to cultivate your inner strength,
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SPEAKER_00: clarity,
13:24
really getting clear on what matters to you and what you want
13:28
going forward.
13:30
SPEAKER_00: It's going to help you regulate yourself so you feel steady emotionally,
13:35
which is something you're going to need continuing on because
13:38
you are co-parenting
13:40
SPEAKER_00: with somebody.
13:42
SPEAKER_00: It helps you rebuild your identity to all this stuff I'm talking about,
13:47
SPEAKER_00: getting to know who you truly are and what truly matters to you,
13:51
SPEAKER_00: not because of all of the other demands on your life.
13:55
SPEAKER_00: And so if you push through winter, you miss your own life.
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like rebirth i guess you know if you just push through divorce
14:05
and you're like get
14:06
me to the other side where's tinder you're gonna miss that
14:10
moment of going oh this
14:12
SPEAKER_00: is who i really am i didn't realize
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SPEAKER_00: And if you honor that, this time in our lives is fucking hard.
14:20
SPEAKER_00: Don't get me wrong.
14:21
You know,
14:22
I can point you to a few episodes where I am learning
14:25
everything the hard way.
14:27
SPEAKER_00: But if you can actually slow down and honor it,
14:30
SPEAKER_00: you will emerge into the next stage,
14:33
SPEAKER_00: truly yourself and feeling so grounded in who you are that you're like,
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SPEAKER_00: I am actually pretty cool.
14:41
SPEAKER_00: And I'm so pleased that I now get to meet this version of myself.
14:50
SPEAKER_00: A little,
14:52
a few like micro ideas of what you could do to start honoring
14:56
this wintering phase
14:58
is like maybe one day this week you say you block out a morning
15:04
if you're able to
15:05
SPEAKER_00: do that.
15:06
SPEAKER_00: I know some of you are working full time and all that kind of stuff.
15:10
SPEAKER_00: But block out a space that is just for you.
15:14
SPEAKER_00: And maybe it's, I'm just going to go for a walk.
15:18
SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to listen to anything.
15:20
SPEAKER_00: I'm not going to try and improve myself.
15:23
SPEAKER_00: I'm just going to go for a walk and take in the scenery.
15:28
SPEAKER_00: And like right this morning, it's like bright blue skies.
15:32
SPEAKER_00: It's got that pink haze, you know, like
15:34
On the horizons,
15:35
it's pink and then it goes up to bright blue,
15:37
not a cloud in the sky.
15:39
SPEAKER_00: And the sun's looking amazing.
15:40
SPEAKER_00: It's like making the most of one of those mornings.
15:44
SPEAKER_00: It's going to do wonders for your spirit.
15:47
SPEAKER_00: And you're not rushing around.
15:49
SPEAKER_00: You're not doing it for your steps.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: You're not doing it for exercise.
15:53
SPEAKER_00: You're just doing it to honor yourself.
15:58
SPEAKER_00: Maybe every night this week,
15:59
you might just light a candle and do that thing where you wrap
16:02
up in a blanket.
16:03
Imagine your blanket is like a big cuddle from me going like
16:08
super compassion.
16:10
SPEAKER_00: You're doing enough.
16:11
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to rest.
16:13
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to just sit and stare at the candle.
16:15
SPEAKER_00: You don't need to do anything.
16:20
It could be as simple as just putting your hands on your heart
16:22
before you go to bed.
16:25
SPEAKER_00: Taking some deep, comfortable breaths.
16:29
SPEAKER_00: Just into the heart.
16:31
SPEAKER_00: Into your heart space.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: And then as you exhale, allowing your energy to settle.
16:38
SPEAKER_00: And you can gently say to yourself, you've done enough.
16:43
SPEAKER_00: It's okay to rest.
16:48
But the main thing I want you to do is to really think hard
16:51
about what I've said
16:53
SPEAKER_00: and understanding it's not about being selfish.
16:57
It's not about being self-indulgent or whatever negative words
17:01
might be coming up.
17:02
This is about truly empowering yourself to demonstrate to
17:09
everyone around you that
17:11
SPEAKER_00: this is how we rest when we're going through a hard time.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: If you're going through deep grief, this is what we need to do.
17:19
SPEAKER_00: We have to sit with it and look with it.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: Look at it even.
17:27
You know,
17:28
just gently signaling to your body that you are safe and you
17:31
can rest.
17:34
So if you would like to go further with this and you happen to
17:37
be in the northeast,
17:39
SPEAKER_00: I would love to invite you to my winter solstice ceremony.
17:45
SPEAKER_00: I hold it every year on the 21st of December.
17:50
SPEAKER_00: And it's all about honouring the season.
17:52
SPEAKER_00: Because so many people are like,
17:54
they're either rushing around and putting super amounts of
17:58
pressure on themselves,
18:00
SPEAKER_00: or they're dreading the dark nights.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: And,
18:03
SPEAKER_00: you know,
18:04
SPEAKER_00: on the darkest day of the year,
18:05
SPEAKER_00: it's that moment to go,
18:07
SPEAKER_00: yes,
18:07
SPEAKER_00: we're going into winter,
18:08
SPEAKER_00: but we're also moving towards the light now,
18:10
SPEAKER_00: right?
18:11
SPEAKER_00: There's not going to be a darker day than today.
18:16
So my goal for this ceremony is that you leave feeling just
18:21
like a sense of relief
18:24
SPEAKER_00: and peace so that you truly know what's actually important as you go into
18:30
SPEAKER_00: Christmas.
18:32
SPEAKER_00: Instead of being like,
18:33
SPEAKER_00: I need to make sure that this is happening,
18:34
SPEAKER_00: taking on everybody else's emotional burdens.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: I've got to keep them away from them.
18:38
SPEAKER_00: It doesn't matter.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: Stay connected to your values.
18:43
SPEAKER_00: So for me, it would be connection and transformation.
18:46
SPEAKER_00: How can I honor those two things as I'm going into Christmas?
18:52
SPEAKER_00: Instead of being like, have I definitely got enough for that kid?
18:55
SPEAKER_00: Is that kid going to be like,
18:57
SPEAKER_00: oh,
18:57
SPEAKER_00: you know,
18:58
SPEAKER_00: like,
18:59
SPEAKER_00: it's just a time to let it all go,
19:01
SPEAKER_00: to slow down and give ourselves permission to go into winter.
19:10
with an open heart and an open mind um and letting ourselves
19:16
rest you know being
19:19
witnessed in that rest uh is such a beautiful moment so if that
19:24
feels like
19:25
something you would love to do then please you know got the
19:28
link in the show notes
19:29
SPEAKER_00: come and join me um and if you're in the magic divorce club the luxe
19:34
club um membership uh we'll have a similar version of that
19:41
online as well so that's
19:43
like the the workshop for december is all about how can we
19:47
honor this truly and i
19:50
SPEAKER_00: will take you through the rituals
19:52
SPEAKER_00: Because obviously it's one thing to talk about it,
19:55
SPEAKER_00: but to actually feel it in your body and be guided by me.
19:58
SPEAKER_00: Like I am your guide through all of this.
20:00
SPEAKER_00: I've been there.
20:02
SPEAKER_00: I've experienced it.
20:03
And I'm now going to just love on you so that you can feel safe
20:07
to just let it all go to rest.
20:11
SPEAKER_00: And that is my deep wish as we go into Christmas.
20:17
yeah so if you can take anything from this podcast please let
20:21
it be that on the
20:23
other side of your divorce there will be spring and there will
20:28
be summer and you
20:30
will feel that warmth again I promise but first we have to
20:35
retreat we have to nest
20:37
SPEAKER_00: we have to rest we have to use that queen energy to go no babe
20:42
SPEAKER_00: Time to slow down.
20:44
SPEAKER_00: You're not going to overperform.
20:46
You're not going to lean on old habits to numb out from what
20:51
you're really feeling.
20:52
SPEAKER_00: We're going to go in there with our little torch.
20:54
SPEAKER_00: We're going to show you that it's not so scary.
20:56
SPEAKER_00: And the other side is connecting with your divine light.
21:01
SPEAKER_00: I'm here for that.
21:03
Okay,
21:03
my darlings,
21:04
have an amazing week and I will speak to you next week.
21:08
SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for listening.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: And if you could subscribe and leave a review, that would be amazing.
21:15
SPEAKER_00: For all of your tips and tools,
21:18
head over to magicdivorceclub.substack.com and you can find
21:26
everything that you
21:27
SPEAKER_00: need there.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: You've got this and I've got you.