Latest / Rooted Thoughts / “You’re All I Have” — When Kids Carry Adult Emotional Burdens

Transcript

“You’re All I Have” — When Kids Carry Adult Emotional Burdens · Rooted Thoughts

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining me here today for our weekly chat.
• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tiara, and this is Ruid Thoughts Podcast.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: This past Sunday was Mother's Day.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are a mother that's listening, I do want to tell you Happy Mother's Day.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: What would the world be without you?
• 0:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's sort of ironic that this past Sunday was Mother's Day because it sort of goes hand in hand with the topic that we will be discussing on this episode, which is not only about mothers, it's about, you know, both parents.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: But we're gonna be talking about what happens when a child grows up feeling responsible for their parents' emotions.
• 0:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now, to be clear, I do know that this is a or can be a sensitive topic.
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: I'm also not trying to, or it's not my intention, to attack parents in any way, shape, or form because why would I do that?
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: I am a parent myself, of course.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: And I also understand that many adults were doing the best that they could while they were actually struggling themselves.
• 1:12
  SPEAKER_00: But even with that being said, two things can still be true at once.
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: So to get started, I guess I'll first kind of describe what it means for a child to take care of their parent or the adult that's in their life, because sometimes it's not always their parent.
• 1:26
  SPEAKER_00: It can be a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, or adopt a parent or whoever that person is.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: But it means being the emotional support person for a parent.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: It means feeling responsible for a parent's happiness.
• 1:40
  SPEAKER_00: It means excessively parenting younger siblings.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: It also means carrying secrets or stress or trauma that's not meant for a child to even be carrying.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: And before anyone tries to bite my head off and say, oh, that's what's wrong with the kids these days, I'm not referring to your normal helping your family out because that's healthy when a child helps in the household or in the family.
• 2:03
  SPEAKER_00: But when it comes to a child losing their childhood because they became emotionally responsible for the adults, that's totally different.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna actually give you an example of what I mean by this.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: So this is a quick personal story.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Well, it's not like it's a personal story, but not my personal story.
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's um related to my grandmother.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_00: Um, she pretty much just shared this with me before she passed away, uh, or a few years before she passed away, actually.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: So my grandma had one sibling or one sister, and all my life that I can remember, she always lived in North Carolina prior to her passing.
• 2:39
  SPEAKER_00: So I remember one particular day.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Well, before I say that, let me also share that my grandmother, well, it was known in the family that my grandmother's father suffered from alcoholism for many years.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_00: Um, it wasn't an issue as I was growing up that I'm aware of.
• 2:55
  SPEAKER_00: I think that he had overcame that.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: But as my grandmother was growing up and things like that, that was something that he struggled and dealt with.
• 3:03
  SPEAKER_00: So one day I was pretty much talking to my grandmother, and when I say she absolutely loved her sister, but she kind of made a joke about how her sister left her to deal with her father, basically.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: So me being a person who always asked questions, I kind of asked, Well, what do you mean she just she left me to deal with him by herself?
• 3:22
  SPEAKER_00: So she pretty much just said that, like, oh, you know, well, she got married and you know, she moved to North Carolina with her family, lived her life, and I was stuck here having to basically chase behind my father and pull him out of clubs and things like that when he had been drinking.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: And mind you, when my grandma told me that this happened, I believed that she was a teenager at the time when she was doing this.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: So she was basically still a kid.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: And so I had to stop her and say, No, your sister didn't do anything.
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: She did exactly what she was supposed to do.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: She went to live her life, as you should have done too.
• 3:54
  SPEAKER_00: But she felt the guilt from her father that she had to stay here and care for him.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: So once I pretty much just explained that, well, explained it in that way to my grandma, she understood and she realized, and I guess she really was able to reflect on that and realized, like, huh, okay, yeah, I did have that same opportunity, or I did deserve to also go out and live my life.
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: But instead, she remained in her hometown carrying the burden and the responsibility of a parent who wasn't emotionally mature enough to also tell her that this isn't your job to care for me.
• 4:30
  SPEAKER_00: From my understanding, from her viewpoint, she actually was made to feel guilty and was told that, oh, you're gonna leave me, you're not gonna stay here with me.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: And like I told her, that was manipulative.
• 4:40
  SPEAKER_00: You know, I love my granddad, my great granddad.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: But at the same time, me knowing that story, he should not have done that.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: But who knows, maybe that's what happened with him and his family and his dynamics.
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: So he thought that that was probably normal, but it absolutely wasn't normal.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: So that's an example of a child feeling responsible for a parent's happiness or being that emotional support person for a fan a parent when they should have been able to go out and live their life and explore.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_00: This is also something that I have seen a lot in my line of work.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: I have gone to clients' home and there are kids, some in high school, some in middle school, who are missing school to stay home and care for a parent or grandparent.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm not talking about like they miss one day of school.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about there are actually kids who are missing a good amount of days from school.
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_00: They are managing their whole household and they are a child themselves.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: And some people look at it like, oh, they're so responsible, they're so this, they're so that.
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: But they shouldn't have to be.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: They should be being a child.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: There are so many adults right now who were parentified, but they don't even know that they're exhausted in adulthood because they've been emotionally surviving since childhood.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: They think that things like anxiety and hyperindependence is normal.
• 6:00
  SPEAKER_00: They become a fixer in relationships.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: They attract emotionally unavailable people.
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: They even have difficulties setting boundaries.
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_00: And most importantly, some of these people even struggle to know their personal identity outside of helping others.
• 6:14
  SPEAKER_00: I've met so many people like that, whereas their entire existence is just around helping other people at the expense of themselves.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of those people are that way, is because that's all they know.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: That's what they have done their whole life.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: Some people are so scared to not do it because they have no idea who they would be if they wasn't doing that.
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: And in one way, you know, we look at it as like, oh, that person's always there for everyone.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_00: They, you know, they're always so supportive, but at the same time, it's quite sad not knowing who you are outside of helping others.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: Adults are meant to pour into children emotionally, not depend on children to emotionally sustain them.
• 6:54
  SPEAKER_00: And some people who haven't experienced this before sometimes will think that, oh, there's no way that this is happening.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: But no, there are parents who lean on their kids emotionally to make them better.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: If their child comes to them with whatever emotions or feelings that they're having, the parents is kind of like, okay, but poor me, I'm this, I'm that.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: And they look to that child to make them feel better.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: When that's not the child's responsibility.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: And I say that as gentle as I can, it's really not your child's responsibility to make you feel better.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not saying that your child should be insensitive to the fact that or to the point that when you have something going on or you over here having a meltdown, they're just, oh well.
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm also not saying that you should keep secrets from your kids.
• 7:43
  SPEAKER_00: I feel like, yeah, let them know what's going on at the capacity they're able to handle that.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: But if you're going to do that, you should also let them know that this is not yours to carry, this is not yours to fix.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: When you do it that way, it's kind of like you're being honest with the child, you're not hiding things from them, but at the same time, you're not just putting all of your baggage or your burdens onto them.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: This topic is so important because awareness breaks cycles and healing allows healthier parenting and relationships.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: Because when this cycle continues to repeat itself, you see people who overcompensate, they become emotionally detached and unknowingly rely on their children emotionally because it feels normal to them.
• 8:26
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes this is things that they had to do when they were a kid.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: They were responsible for making sure their parents were good.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: So they think that's just as normal.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: So some of them would even look to their kids as though that they are weaker because they're not able to carry them or sustain them emotionally or like they did with their parents.
• 8:43
  SPEAKER_00: But that's not their responsibility and it wasn't your responsibility.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: It's not your child's job to save you.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you allow your child to feel like it's their job to save you when they're having things to go on or they're having these big emotions or whatever it is, who they feel like is gonna save them?
• 9:00
  SPEAKER_00: Who they feel like they can go to when they're the go-to for their parent.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: I understand that this topic can bring on a lot of guilt, but I want to help you to release some of that guilt.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that setting boundaries is not betrayal.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Choosing your own life is not selfish.
• 9:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to stop carrying emotional burdens that were never yours to begin with.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: So as we close out, I do want to leave you with a couple of questions just to kind of reflect on and ask yourself in your free time.
• 9:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you feel called to journal about it, that's also good as well.
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Journaling, journaling is great.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Journaling just helps you just release so much.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's like you're talking to nobody or somebody.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: I don't know.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: But those questions I want you to reflect on are were you allowed to simply be a child?
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Do you allow your child to simply be a child?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel guilty when you prioritize yourself?
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: And if so, that's something worth exploring.
• 9:51
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Tierra, and this is Ruiz Douglas Podcast.