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What You Think You Know About Co-Parenting is Wrong - Here’s Why · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage, these are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Kulin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: Hello, hello, and welcome to this week's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:58
  SPEAKER_00: What you think you know about co-parenting is wrong, and here's why.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: When most people hear the phrase or the term co-parenting, they picture this glossy version.
• 1:11
  SPEAKER_00: Two exes sitting together at parent each interviews, chatting easily at kids' birthday parties, seamlessly agreeing on all the things, rules, routines, and big decisions, and it is sold to us as the gold standard, the dream way of parenting after separation and divorce, right?
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Two exes working as a team, communicating smoothly, showing up at every single school and sporting event together, making all the decisions hand in hand for their kids.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: And it sounds great, right?
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: But the truth is for many separated couples, that version of parenting just isn't realistic, it isn't possible, and in some cases it's really actually quite damaging.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Even just being sold the narrative can be damaging if it's not possible, if it's not your lived reality, right?
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because if you are fresh out of separation, divorce, still navigating all the complexities of that, still dealing with grief or anger or betrayal or just the sheer overwhelm and exhaustion of it all, that picture, that glossy co-parenting picture may not be your reality.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: And that's okay.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, forcing that version of co-parenting when relations, when communication is strained can actually make things worse for you, for your ex and most importantly for your kids.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Particularly your children.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: So here's the truth, Bomb.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: What you think about co-parenting might actually be wrong.
• 3:02
  SPEAKER_00: You might believe that you're co-parenting, but in actual fact, perhaps you're not.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: And to be honest, I thought that's what we were doing much of the time.
• 3:11
  SPEAKER_00: But when I look back, at times we weren't co-parenting, co-parenting, I'm sorry, we really weren't.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: So let's bust some myths about co-parenting.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: It's not co-parenting if it's not co-parenting if you or your ex are making major decisions, even minor decisions, about your kids without consultation.
• 3:37
  SPEAKER_00: If you're making those decisions unilaterally without consulting their other parent, it's not co-parenting.
• 3:44
  SPEAKER_00: It's not co-parenting if you're not able to or refusing to share important information about your children and about their life, about their activities, about events, about what's happening in their lives, you know, about friendships, about school, whatever it is.
• 4:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's not co-parenting if you're not co-sharing information.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not co-parenting, or at least not healthy co-parenting, if every interaction, every message, every conversation spirals into conflict or disagreement or a win-lose argument or exchange, or if your kids are caught in the middle of the two of you.
• 4:25
  SPEAKER_00: If your kids are the conduit, the ones passing notes or information between houses.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's not co-parenting.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: It is not co-parenting if you're not communicating.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: That's not co-parenting, that's some kind of chaos, right?
• 4:51
  SPEAKER_00: And you can only effectively co-parent with someone who is willing.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Someone who is willing to meet you in the co-parenting space, someone who's willing to listen, to hear you, to communicate with you.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: Both of you have to be willing to meet, hear, listen, and hold space for the other.
• 5:12
  SPEAKER_00: You can only co-parent when your other parent is also willing to co.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Co-means joint, right?
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Joint care, joint responsibility, shared engagement.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Co-means together.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: And if you co if you're parenting with someone who's not willing or able or safe to meet you and to do it together, you actually can't co-parent.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_00: Parenting overall is a pretty tough gig.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: And parenting after separation and divorce is next level, right?
• 5:48
  SPEAKER_00: You're rebuilding your life, you're redesigning your life and your family while still tied to somebody you may prefer never to see or speak to again.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: Someone you've ended a relationship with, most likely in part because you're on different pages, you want different things, you move through the world differently, and probably have trouble communicating with communicating with one another or resolving conflict together, right?
• 6:15
  SPEAKER_00: So expecting calm, collaborative communication in the middle of all that, honestly, it's a bit of a stretch.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Which is why sometimes the healthiest, smartest choice isn't co-parenting at all.
• 6:30
  SPEAKER_00: It's something we call parallel parenting.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: And that is where parents parent, but by disengaging from one another, keeping direct contact between the two of you at a limit, limiting face-to-face interactions.
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And what this does is help you as ex-partners disconnect from one another, manage your emotional state, regulate your nervous system, dial down the conflict that exists between the two of you while also staying fully connected to the children.
• 7:06
  SPEAKER_00: It grants the two of you some distance and maybe some time and capacity to heal a little bit, right?
• 7:12
  SPEAKER_00: It grants the two of you some distance from one another while still remaining fully present and fully connected to and for your kids.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: So here's how it works in practice.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: All the major decisions, education, health, religion, living arrangements are made jointly, and often that's done with the help of a third party, a coach, a mediator, a lawyer, and it's set out in a parenting plan early on.
• 7:38
  SPEAKER_00: It's all outlined, all those major decisions are sort of preemptively made.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_00: Day-to-day decisions are handled independently.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Things like bedtime, screen time, meals, routines, rhythms.
• 7:52
  SPEAKER_00: The parent the kids are with at the time gets to decide those things in sort of isolation, siloed from the other household.
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_00: Communication is limited, often it's written or text, it's kept pretty factual and businesslike.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: Often it can be through email or a parenting app, or as I said, text, and always child focused, devoid of emotion, business-like, straight to the point.
• 8:25
  SPEAKER_00: Strip out all the emotive language and just keep it on topic about the kids and about what needs to be communicated.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Changeovers also happen with minimal interaction.
• 8:37
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that can happen at school, maybe or daycare, or even a simple sort of walk-out, walk-in, walk out arrangement at home or a drop-off in the driveway.
• 8:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's done calmly and as amicably as can be, but there's minimal interaction and engagement between the two parents.
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's polite, it's respectful, it's courteous, but it's minimal.
• 9:03
  SPEAKER_00: Parents do share information about kids' events and kids' life, life stuff, but each parent decides and chooses if they or how they participate in those activities.
• 9:17
  SPEAKER_00: So the information is shared, but the decisions are made sort of independently.
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: So the children essentially have two homes, two routines, perhaps two sets of rules, and what goes on in their other parents' house is actually not directly communicated.
• 9:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's not your business, unless, of course, there are real issues of abuse or neglect or worry or concern.
• 9:42
  SPEAKER_00: Then, of course, it is your business.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: But we're talking here about where the children are safe in each in each parent's home, but we're limiting interaction between the adults, between the parents.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: Parallel parenting is built on that simple and powerful assumption that both of you, both parents, love your kids and have their best interests at heart, even if they parent differently.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: One way isn't right, one way isn't wrong, it's just different.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: And to limit conflict, to limit exposure of the children to conflict, and also the both of you as parents, you parallel parent, you parent in parallel rather than jointly.
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: And it works because it reduces stress, it reduces conflict, so that equals less stress for kids and less stress for parents.
• 10:38
  SPEAKER_00: It also really clearly keeps the focus on the kids' needs, not the adult drama or not the disagreement or conflict or power struggle between the adults.
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: It keeps your focus purely on what is in the best interest of your kids.
• 10:56
  SPEAKER_00: It also preserves your kids' right to a strong, happy, healthy relationship with both parents.
• 11:05
  SPEAKER_00: There's no good cop, bad cop, there's no good parent, bad parent dynamic here.
• 11:10
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody wins.
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: The rules at dad's house or mum's house stay where they belong, and you don't get involved with discussion or agree disagreement or argument about what's going on in the other parent's house, everybody wins.
• 11:27
  SPEAKER_00: And the best part about that is it protects your children, it prevents them from being stuck in the middle or forced to absorb or manage even the conflict or disagreement between the two of you, between the two of the parents, and they never feel they have to choose.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: They never feel that they have to choose between the two of you.
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: They can have a strong, happy, healthy relationship with both of you without feeling caught in the middle.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: And so sometimes you think you're co-parenting, but really you're operating independently, you're siloed.
• 12:03
  SPEAKER_00: Your house, your rules, the other house, their rules, and you don't tend to communicate terribly much.
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: You're just going about your business parenting.
• 12:13
  SPEAKER_00: That's a parallel parenting model.
• 12:16
  SPEAKER_00: Co-parenting and parallel parenting are not the same.
• 12:20
  SPEAKER_00: Co-parenting is more collaborative, it means more time and more energy spent working together, communicating regularly, sometimes daily, and agreeing on both the big and the small decisions.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: And for some separated couples, that's possible.
• 12:37
  SPEAKER_00: But for many others, especially where there's conflict, where there's been betrayal, where emotions are still high and communication is not easy, it's not possible to co-parent.
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: And that's where parallel parenting comes in to protect your kids, reduce the stress, and allow both parents to remain active and present and to parent in their own way.
• 13:02
  SPEAKER_00: So if you've been perhaps harsh with yourself because you can't do the glossy picture-perfect version of co-parenting, this is my invitation to you to stop.
• 13:17
  SPEAKER_00: Parallel parenting isn't second best, it's not a failure, it's simply another model of parenting after separation and one that actively prioritizes peace, healthy boundaries, stability, and a reduction in conflict for everybody involved.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: So here's my question for you: Are you co-parenting, or are you in fact parallel parenting?
• 13:44
  SPEAKER_00: And also know that you might move between models.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're in a space where you're able to co-parent, where you're able to meet one another, where your ex is perhaps able to step in and meet you.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: But at other times you might need more distance, more separation, and so actively adopt more of that parallel model for a time.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't necessarily need to be fixed, but can be a little fluid depending on where you're at, where each of you are at and what's happening in your adult relationship, in your adult lives, whether you can have whether you do have capacity to communicate calmly, clearly, respectfully, and co-parent, or whether you just have to step back for a period of time.
• 14:31
  SPEAKER_00: And when I look back on my own parenting journey, I think that's what we did.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Very often we were absolutely co-parenting, and then there were times when we weren't, when we were actually parallel parenting.
• 15:04
  SPEAKER_00: So we were actually parallel parenting, and oftentimes I was leading, and then I would catch him up afterwards.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: So it can be a fluid model.
• 15:13
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you're co-parenting, sometimes you're parallel parenting, but mostly it needs to be a model that works for your unique circumstances, for your family, for your children, and for you.
• 15:27
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's face it, if it works for you and you're safe and comfortable in the model, and I mean safe in all the ways, um, emotionally as well as of course physically, but if if it's a safe, healthy model for you as their parent, then it's going to be a safe, healthy model for your children.
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: So if you are navigating separation and parenting, particularly co-parenting, feels really difficult, even impossible.
• 15:57
  SPEAKER_00: If the conflict, the communication, and the sheer weight of all of that feels overwhelming, you don't have to push through, you don't have to push for a co-parenting, collaborative model.
• 16:10
  SPEAKER_00: You can take a few steps back and parallel parent.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: And also, you really don't have to figure this out alone.
• 16:18
  SPEAKER_00: This is where coaching, mediation, expert support can really make all the difference to help you develop a model of parenting that works for your family, for your kids.
• 16:31
  SPEAKER_00: So if you need guidance to navigate your parenting relationship during or after separation, divorce, to build a plan that works for your family, let's talk.
• 16:42
  SPEAKER_00: There's a link in the show notes, as always, to book an intro call with me.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: Because at the end of the day, at the end of your divorce, it's actually not about being perfect, it's not about being the perfect parent or the perfect family, it's about creating a space where everybody can thrive.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: It's about raising kids who feel safe, secure, and deeply loved, even if that is across two homes.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you found this episode about parenting after separation and divorce helpful, and I hope it's stripped out a few myths as well as given you permission to reframe that you are not a failure if you are not co-parenting collaboratively with your ex-partner.
• 17:31
  SPEAKER_00: You're separated, you're divorced for really good reasons, and oftentimes a failure, let's not call it a failure, an inability to be on the same page and communicate well and resolve differences and conflict.
• 17:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's part of the reason why you're separated and divorced, right?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: So expecting the two of you to automatically or instantly be able to collaboratively co-parent is unrealistic.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: It might come with time, you might develop it over time once the emotions settle a little, once you settle into a new rhythm and routine, once you've both done a bit of healing, you might find that you're able to step back into a more collaborative co-parenting model.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: But if that's not your reality, stick in your lane, and that's a parallel parenting lane.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: If you know somebody who is struggling with parenting during separation, after divorce, and would be would benefit from listening to this, please share this episode with them.
• 18:33
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, go gently, stay in your lane.
• 18:39
  SPEAKER_00: You are the very best parent that your kids could have, and one healthy, regulated parent is enough for them.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: So model what you most want them to learn as you're going through this hard season, and if you're fine, your kids will also be fine.
• 19:00
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for listening.
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: Bye for now.
• 19:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:08
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 19:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 19:33
  SPEAKER_00: Until then.