Latest / Love, Happiness and Success with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby / Fighting About Everything? The One Thing to Fix First | Love | E547

Transcript

Fighting About Everything? The One Thing to Fix First | Love | E547 · Love, Happiness and Success with Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby

• 0:06
  Speaker 1: Before we start, a huge thank you to today's sponsors,
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  Speaker 1: the organizations that make this show possible and who are
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• 0:50
  Speaker 1: without further delay. Let's get on with the show. So
• 1:09
  Speaker 1: your relationship has been feeling hard lately, and if you're
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: like most people, it's not just one thing. There are
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: fights popping up like mushrooms after a rain, all kinds
• 1:24
  Speaker 1: of stuff.
• 1:25
  Speaker 2: In the playground. You it's the survival of the fittest, right.
• 1:29
  Speaker 2: Somebody says something to you and you immediately react and
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: try to top off what they told you to, you know,
• 1:36
  Speaker 2: get your stance in the playground route and these just
• 1:40
  Speaker 2: creates like an escalation thing in the playground, which works there, right,
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: But then we get to our relationship, and if we
• 1:47
  Speaker 2: do that, it becomes a disaster.
• 2:00
  Speaker 3: Money, intimacy, teamwork. Who does what? Sometimes it's just the tone.
• 2:06
  Speaker 3: Those are fun ones, aren't they.
• 2:08
  Speaker 1: When we focus on all the things that are going
• 2:11
  Speaker 1: wrong in a relationship, it can start to feel overwhelming
• 2:15
  Speaker 1: discouraging where you even begin. But the reality is that
• 2:21
  Speaker 1: nine times out of ten, there actually is one specific
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: place where you should start. That when you focus on
• 2:29
  Speaker 1: this one area in your relationship, it is the key
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: to making changes in all kinds of different dimensions of
• 2:38
  Speaker 1: your relationship. And that is what you're going to learn
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: how to do today on this episode of Love, Happiness,
• 2:44
  Speaker 1: and Success.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: Like, we need to get this communication first right and
• 2:49
  Speaker 2: then we can go into the feeling loved and heard,
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: And how are we going to do that right? But
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: if we can't express to the other person what we're
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: really wanting, and we can't rise even an agreement about
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: what we want, then it makes it harder.
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: We're doing a deep dive into the number one priority
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: that you should have for your relationship improvement, which is communication.
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: By the end of today's episode, you are going to
• 3:22
  Speaker 1: get some new insight into how to begin rebuilding the
• 3:26
  Speaker 1: healthy communication your relationship deserves and also requires, so that
• 3:31
  Speaker 1: you can use this as a launchpad to create other
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: types of growth.
• 3:35
  Speaker 2: We have to listen what the other one is saying,
• 3:38
  Speaker 2: validate what they're saying, the open tool, how they are
• 3:43
  Speaker 2: experiencing things, because maybe it's not how we are experiencing ourselves. Right.
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: If this is your first time with me, Hello, I'm
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: so glad you're here, Lisa Marine Bobby, I'm a psychologist.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: I'm also a marriage and family therapist and a board
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: certified coach. Here with you every week to talk about
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: your growth, your love, your happiness, and success with the
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: intention of giving you not just new ideas, but actionable
• 4:17
  Speaker 1: advice that you can put to work in your life
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: starting today. So today's episode I'm so excited for because
• 4:25
  Speaker 1: this is one of those key stone things. All relationships
• 4:30
  Speaker 1: are multi dimensional, meaning they have so many different parts.
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: And you know that's true. That's why every relationship is
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: a mixed bag. You could be in a relationship that
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: feels really challenging in some ways, but if you take
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: a step back and look at the whole thing, there
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: are also typically strengths in every relationship.
• 4:51
  Speaker 3: It's also true that there can.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: Be different parts of a relationship that are not working,
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: and when we get over fixated on those, starts to
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: feel like really overwhelming, and we can go into the
• 5:04
  Speaker 1: spirally place like this is a bad relationship or oh
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: my gosh, this is impossible. It just feels like too
• 5:11
  Speaker 1: much because you know, you have that like whack a
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: mole experience.
• 5:14
  Speaker 3: You start to work on.
• 5:15
  Speaker 1: One area of a relationship a little bit, but it's
• 5:18
  Speaker 1: not really creating change in other areas of a relationship.
• 5:21
  Speaker 3: So then you turn your attention this.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Way to try to make an improvement, and then the
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: other part falls apart, and it's that's where people start
• 5:27
  Speaker 1: to really feel discouraged. Let's say, to say the least.
• 5:31
  Speaker 1: So the place where we typically go so for example,
• 5:37
  Speaker 1: if somebody comes and for couples counseling relationship coaching at
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: my organization Growing Self, it begins with an assessment where
• 5:46
  Speaker 1: first everybody's going to slow down and instead of just
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: starting to talk about all the problems in this very
• 5:53
  Speaker 1: intense kind of big feeling way, the very first thing
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: we really want to do is do a assessment to
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: help you understand not just the issues, the known issues
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: and the reasons why those things are are not working,
• 6:07
  Speaker 1: but to really understand your strengths. So we start with
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: a relationship quiz really where we map out your relationships advantages,
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: your strengths, your things are going well, but also the
• 6:19
  Speaker 1: growth opportunities. And so there are, in alignment with us,
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: different pillars of a relationship, and these are going to
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: look different for every couple, right, but some very common
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: and expected ones include things like how healthy is your
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: communication right and your ability to have a constructed conversation
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: without it turning into a conflict, or when there is
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: a difference of opinion, can you come to a consensus
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: or does it turn into a thing where you feel
• 6:51
  Speaker 1: like you're at odds with each other. Another part of
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: a healthy relationship is related to your ability to work
• 6:58
  Speaker 1: together as a team, and this can take many forms.
• 7:03
  Speaker 1: There's not one right way to do it. But for
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: a couple who are operating together in life, there are
• 7:09
  Speaker 1: things to take care of. Maybe you have a house together,
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: somebody needs to unload the dishwasher or pick the kids
• 7:15
  Speaker 1: up from school, and finding a equitable feeling partnership that
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: is good enough, it is imbalance for both people. That
• 7:25
  Speaker 1: is something that all couples need to figure out along
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: the lines of this, in addition to who's doing what.
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: This is going to sound so incredibly boring, but it's true.
• 7:34
  Speaker 1: What is the operating system for lack of a better word, like,
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: how are we going to keep track of whose turn
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: it is to do whatever? Or do we have a
• 7:44
  Speaker 1: shared calendar?
• 7:45
  Speaker 3: Simple things like this can actually.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Either contribute to or prevent so much conflict in a relationship,
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: So like, how do we operate together as a team. Additionally,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: if you have children together, how do we parent our children?
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: And are we on the same page about what this
• 8:04
  Speaker 1: should look like? There can absolutely be partners who bring
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: different strengths into a parenting relationship. Maybe when person tends
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: to be more nurturing and caretaking and one person tends
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: to be a little bit more direct and authoritative. That's
• 8:19
  Speaker 1: completely fine. You don't have to necessarily occupy exactly the
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: same roles, but you do need to have some general
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: agreement in the things that you're teaching your kids to
• 8:30
  Speaker 1: be a united front when it comes to how are
• 8:35
  Speaker 1: we as the parents going to support our kids, Because
• 8:39
  Speaker 1: if parents start to go into different places around what
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: should be happening. Then the system starts to get fragmented
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: and fractured, and there's all kinds of ugly conflict to
• 8:50
  Speaker 1: the constem from that. Additionally, physical intimacy is an important
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: thing at least to check in about it a relationship.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: It is differently important in different relationships. It can sometimes
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: be differently important to different two people in the same relationship.
• 9:05
  Speaker 1: But that's another place that if people are out of alignment,
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: it can cause stress, it can cause bad feelings, it
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: can cause conflict. Additionally, how we show each other love
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: and respect? Meaning like, what are the positive elements of
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: a relationship that are above and beyond just communication or
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: physical intimacy? But do I feel known and understood and
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: cared about and respected by my partner? Is there a
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: sense of intimacy in this relationship? And if so, how
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: is that working? That is its own pillar of a relationship,
• 9:41
  Speaker 1: if you will. Additionally, for many couples, what do we
• 9:45
  Speaker 1: do for fun?
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: Right? You know?
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: I mean it's a mistake to think that just because
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: we become adults and now we're parenting and we're working,
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: and there's housework that needs to be done, But like,
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: are we still having a good time together. Do we
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: have shared hobbies or interests? And it doesn't need to
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: be that you guys have exactly the same hobbies and interests,
• 10:03
  Speaker 1: but do you have points of connection that feel positive
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: and pleasurable to both of you? Additionally, do you each
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: have space to go do your own thing and be
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: your own person and have separate interests and hobbies. Again,
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: exactly what this looks like, the configuration that it takes
• 10:20
  Speaker 1: is going to look a little bit different for every relationship.
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: There's no one right way, but what is important is
• 10:26
  Speaker 1: that you both are on the same page about what
• 10:30
  Speaker 1: feels at least good enough for both of you, and
• 10:33
  Speaker 1: that there's a consensus. So those are some of the
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: big ones that I always want to do an assessment about.
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: For many couples, there's more. For some couples, a shared
• 10:41
  Speaker 1: spirituality can be very important. For some couples to be
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: on the same page about finances. How are we as
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: a team handling money together, making financial decisions together? And
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: it could be we are handling our finances completely separately,
• 10:59
  Speaker 1: but are we on the.
• 11:00
  Speaker 3: Same page about that?
• 11:01
  Speaker 1: If we are combining finances, what does that look like
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: in terms of how we're making those decisions together, do
• 11:08
  Speaker 1: we feel like we're pulling in the same direction? And then,
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: of course, and this is probably arguably one of the
• 11:14
  Speaker 1: most important parts of a relationship, is are we in
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: alignment around shared hopes and dreams? Like where is the
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: spaceship we're on together going? Exactly what is our vision
• 11:29
  Speaker 1: for what our life is going to be like together
• 11:32
  Speaker 1: in ten years, twenty years? Like is there some kind
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: of intentionality or do we each have quite different visions?
• 11:40
  Speaker 3: Right?
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: Not that that is not necessarily a deal breaker, but
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: there absolutely need to be conversations about this, because if
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: you're not having open conversations about these differences or about
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: these shared dreams, then that can lead to a lot
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: of even subconscious differences in expectations. But we should be
• 12:02
  Speaker 1: doing this because this is an alignment with my values
• 12:05
  Speaker 1: and hopes and dreams and goals that are maybe true
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: for you might not actually be true for your partner,
• 12:12
  Speaker 1: And so we need to bring these out on the table.
• 12:14
  Speaker 1: And so the combination of things that go into a
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: relationship for all of us can truly be infinite.
• 12:23
  Speaker 3: And that depends a lot on the combination of.
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: People that are coming together to be in a relationship.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: And so when relationships start to feel hard, it is
• 12:33
  Speaker 1: typically because there is conflict disconnection people with opposing needs, opinions, hopes,
• 12:42
  Speaker 1: goals in different dimensions, right, And so what we then
• 12:47
  Speaker 1: need to do is take a look at that specific
• 12:51
  Speaker 1: vertical of a relationship, if you will, in a separate way,
• 12:55
  Speaker 1: because the solution to making your financial relationship with each
• 12:59
  Speaker 1: other better is going to be a different process than
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: creating improvement in your physical relationship with each other. So
• 13:10
  Speaker 1: then this is where it can start to feel overwhelming
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: if you're seeing that there are all these issues, all
• 13:16
  Speaker 1: these different parts of your relationship. It's actually not that
• 13:19
  Speaker 1: uncommon for couples to get, you know, three four, five
• 13:22
  Speaker 1: years into a relationship and be like, oh, these are
• 13:25
  Speaker 1: the things that aren't working. And so that is why
• 13:28
  Speaker 1: before we try to create improvement in any specific part
• 13:33
  Speaker 1: of a relationship, we first need to take a big
• 13:37
  Speaker 1: step back and recalibrate and refocus on one area in particular.
• 13:44
  Speaker 3: And that is super easy.
• 13:46
  Speaker 1: Actually, it is only how do we communicate with each other?
• 13:52
  Speaker 1: How do we have conversations ideally about meaningful things in
• 13:58
  Speaker 1: such a way that we both feel heard, cared about, respected, understood,
• 14:04
  Speaker 1: and that give us the tools to be able to
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: create positive change and all these other dimensions of relationship.
• 14:12
  Speaker 1: Because if you cannot talk to each other about basic
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: things so that it's spiraling into a conflict, it is
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: going to be virtually impossible to talk about things that
• 14:23
  Speaker 1: feel more vulnerable, intimacy, finances.
• 14:27
  Speaker 3: What is the meaning of your life?
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: That requires a lot of trust, and it requires a
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: lot of emotional safety. And emotional safety is something that
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: we practice.
• 14:39
  Speaker 3: It is a way of being.
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: It is an experience that we help other people have
• 14:44
  Speaker 1: with us. How do we become accepting loving even if
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: we are unhappy about something. I can still be loving
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: and respectful and also have a different opinion and be
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: an emotionally safe person.
• 14:59
  Speaker 3: You can try trust me to.
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: Not be mean to you, or intentionally unkind to you,
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: or cruel even mocking. You can expect me to take
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: you seriously. If something is important to you, it needs
• 15:14
  Speaker 1: to be important to me. I might not agree with you,
• 15:17
  Speaker 1: and I don't have to, but the fact that you
• 15:19
  Speaker 1: care deeply about something that I, as your partner, need
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: to understand what that is and respect it and understand
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: your point of view so that we can arrive at
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: a destination that feels good for both of us and
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: so emotionally safe communication. And this is in itself a process.
• 15:41
  Speaker 1: So if your relationship has been feeling hard and fragmented
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: in all these different things, today we're really talking about
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: how to restore that because when communication is solid, you
• 15:55
  Speaker 1: can solve so many other issues in a relationship, honestly
• 16:00
  Speaker 1: a lot more easily than you think you can.
• 16:03
  Speaker 3: So to support us in.
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: Learning exactly how this works, what it looks like, and
• 16:09
  Speaker 1: some of the specific things you can start doing today
• 16:13
  Speaker 1: to begin improving your communication with your partner, we're going
• 16:16
  Speaker 1: to bring in one of my treasured colleagues. This is
• 16:21
  Speaker 1: Alejandra Pinero. Alejandra, I know many times when couples want
• 16:26
  Speaker 1: their relationship to be better, it can be so easy
• 16:31
  Speaker 1: to become hyper focused on things that aren't working in
• 16:36
  Speaker 1: a relationship. Can you give us an overview of parts
• 16:41
  Speaker 1: of a relationship that you help people look at in
• 16:46
  Speaker 1: order to understand what's working versus maybe what needs some work.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: Okay, So what I talk about with my clients in
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: a very collaborative manner is the way they are addressing
• 17:00
  Speaker 2: each other, communicating with each other where they're coming from
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: where their feelings are coming from. Maybe it's something that
• 17:07
  Speaker 2: happened in the past, and they're putting it on their
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: a couple in the present, and so we go through that.
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: We also a lot go over. The way I put
• 17:17
  Speaker 2: it in my sessions is like we were raised in
• 17:20
  Speaker 2: the playground. Right when we were young. We were in
• 17:22
  Speaker 2: the playground and we learned to survive in the playground,
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: and how that works is very different to how it
• 17:30
  Speaker 2: works in the relationship with the couple. So we have
• 17:32
  Speaker 2: to relearn. And what I mean by this is in
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: the playground, you it's the survival of the fittest, right.
• 17:40
  Speaker 2: Somebody says something to you and you immediately react and
• 17:44
  Speaker 2: try to top off what they told you to get
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: your stance in the playground route, and this just creates
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: like an escalation thing in the playground, which works there, right,
• 17:55
  Speaker 2: But then we get to our relationship and if we
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: do that, it becomes a we have to listen what
• 18:02
  Speaker 2: the other one is saying, validate what they're saying, the
• 18:05
  Speaker 2: open to how they are experiencing things, because maybe it's
• 18:10
  Speaker 2: not how we are experiencing ourselves. Right. We have to
• 18:14
  Speaker 2: talk as a team, not as opponents, which is also different.
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: Right in the playgrounds, we are definitely opponents. We need
• 18:21
  Speaker 2: to self regulate to be able to have these conversations
• 18:24
  Speaker 2: in a more steady manner, in a way that we
• 18:28
  Speaker 2: can listen to each other. And also we have to
• 18:30
  Speaker 2: practice until we get it right.
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  Speaker 1: Say you guys were back with my colleague a le
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: jndre Pinero a marriage or family therapist here at growing self.
• 21:08
  Speaker 1: So there are different dimensions of a healthy relationship. There
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: are things like communication, there's intimacy. There is being a
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: team around household stuff, parenting, having fun together. For some
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: couple of spirituality is very important, like all these different
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: parts of life that we want to assess, And I've
• 21:33
  Speaker 1: heard you say that oftentimes communication is one of the
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: most important places to start. Even though you want to
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: make all these changes in other parts of your relationship,
• 21:45
  Speaker 1: don't even attempt to go there until you can talk
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: to each other constructively.
• 21:51
  Speaker 2: Why is that, Well, I guess it sets the base
• 21:55
  Speaker 2: ground for the other dimensions. If you're able to have
• 21:59
  Speaker 2: a conversation with each other and listen to each other,
• 22:02
  Speaker 2: then you're able to get to agreements like, for example,
• 22:04
  Speaker 2: that sometimes are also different in the couples, and if
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: you're not, if you don't have these skills, then it's
• 22:10
  Speaker 2: hard to get to those understand So communication is usually
• 22:14
  Speaker 2: where we start, because sometimes I have couples coming in
• 22:18
  Speaker 2: the first or second session wanting goals that are like,
• 22:22
  Speaker 2: we need to get this communication first and then we
• 22:26
  Speaker 2: can go into the feeling loved and heard, and how
• 22:30
  Speaker 2: are we going to do that?
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: Right?
• 22:31
  Speaker 2: But if we can't express to the other person what
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: we're really wanting, and we can't arrive at an agreement
• 22:37
  Speaker 2: about what we want, then it makes it harder.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: Well, and especially because some of these dimensions of relationship
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: can be very emotionally loaded. Let's say, like for me,
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: frequently when I'm working with couples around money and like finances,
• 22:55
  Speaker 1: getting on the same page about people have a lot
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: attached to that and a lot of deep values and
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: meaning the same thing with sexuality. A lot of times
• 23:04
  Speaker 1: like that can be very hard for people to talk
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: about and until we're like in a better place in
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: terms of emotionally safe communication, it is very likely that
• 23:15
  Speaker 1: conversations are like money or sexuality are going to go sideways.
• 23:20
  Speaker 1: It's very easy for those things to kind of like
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: go into conflict because there's so much feelings. But so
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: that's like we practice foundational communication skills first, so it
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: has to organize the work that we go into.
• 23:37
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, definitely, And it's it's important what you bring
• 23:41
  Speaker 2: up that they go sideways, not they really try to
• 23:45
  Speaker 2: have these communications and suddenly they're starting off in a
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: good place and certainly it's the same pattern that they
• 23:51
  Speaker 2: don't want to repeat, right, Yeah, So what I do
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: with the couples in the sessions is break some of
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: these examples down together with them to be able to
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: identify the point where the conversation where went to the
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: place that they don't want it to go right, and
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: how would it look like to go to the place
• 24:12
  Speaker 2: where they do, and what's coming up for them? Like
• 24:14
  Speaker 2: you said, the emotional stuff, right. I had a couple
• 24:17
  Speaker 2: that wanted to talk about finances and we were able
• 24:21
  Speaker 2: to do this exercise where you know, we broke the
• 24:24
  Speaker 2: conversation down and together in conversation, we discovered that what
• 24:30
  Speaker 2: was going on is all this baggage that one of
• 24:34
  Speaker 2: the partners had relating to money in her family of
• 24:39
  Speaker 2: origin and how money was managed and handled, and it
• 24:43
  Speaker 2: brought up all these insecurities in her like, oh my god,
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: this is what we have. It's finite. What are we
• 24:49
  Speaker 2: going to do? Like? And so we were able to
• 24:51
  Speaker 2: talk about this little snockness in the emotional Yeah, and
• 24:57
  Speaker 2: they have been doing good talking about them since then.
• 25:00
  Speaker 2: They need to practice, right, but they have had a
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: couple of experiences after that session that we were able
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: to break it down where they are approaching it differently
• 25:09
  Speaker 2: and they're getting such a different sense of the conversation.
• 25:13
  Speaker 1: Well, see, this is exactly I love what you're sharing
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: and I just want to say this out loud to
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: some of our friends who might be listening to this conversation, Right,
• 25:23
  Speaker 1: there's a part of your relationship that is feeling really
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: really challenging, and it can get very easy. I know
• 25:31
  Speaker 1: I've done this certainly in my own partnership. To get
• 25:33
  Speaker 1: like fixated on what should be different specifically and to
• 25:39
  Speaker 1: achieving that desired outcome is not always a direct path
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: where we jump into the action first, right, Like, maybe
• 25:48
  Speaker 1: the goal is I want my partner and I to
• 25:52
  Speaker 1: be on the same page about finances, which means we
• 25:55
  Speaker 1: have a written budget that we're following together.
• 25:58
  Speaker 3: We make collaborative decisions.
• 25:59
  Speaker 1: About like whatever it means to you, we're working together
• 26:02
  Speaker 1: towards saving goals.
• 26:03
  Speaker 2: I don't care.
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: But so that counterintuitively, what you're saying is that it
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: actually requires the ability to communicate with each other at
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: a level where there's understanding that is being generated. That's
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: what is actually attached to this for you, and I
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: didn't realize this. So now I'm understanding why you have
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: these big, intense feelings about things. Sometimes that doesn't really
• 26:31
  Speaker 1: make sense to me given my own life experience and
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: lack of trauma triggers around this particular thing. Is that
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: what you're saying.
• 26:42
  Speaker 2: And unfortunately I think when you don't have that understanding
• 26:46
  Speaker 2: of where the other person is coming from, we tend
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: to take it personally, and we tend to take it
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: as an attack, like we're doing something wrong or like
• 26:56
  Speaker 2: we're messing up. And so this is also where it
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: tends to go sideways, because if you're taking it personally
• 27:02
  Speaker 2: and you're reacting to that, then you're not really listening
• 27:06
  Speaker 2: what the other person is telling you. Yeah, so it
• 27:08
  Speaker 2: creates this this spiral that is not healthy in the communication.
• 27:15
  Speaker 3: I get that well.
• 27:16
  Speaker 1: And on the other side, I'm just going to own this,
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: and probably some of our friends listening to this could
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: be like, yeah, me too. But especially with some things,
• 27:26
  Speaker 1: not only can we feel attacked, but I think that
• 27:30
  Speaker 1: we can have well developed opinions about the way things.
• 27:35
  Speaker 3: Should be should write.
• 27:37
  Speaker 1: Based on our own values and life experiences that when
• 27:41
  Speaker 1: we do actually impose those on our partner, like you're
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: doing it wrong and here's how it should be, that
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: can can honestly have some undertones of judgment, right, which
• 27:53
  Speaker 1: then also contributes to the partner feeling judged, feeling attacked,
• 27:58
  Speaker 1: because maybe that is what's happening.
• 28:00
  Speaker 2: A little bit.
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: Also, sometimes people can feel attacked even if that isn't
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: the intention, and it's a pretty neutral interaction if they
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: have a long history of I don't know, like a
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: super critical parent. I know that I struggled with that
• 28:15
  Speaker 1: a lot in my own life. My husband would say
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: like pass the salt, and I would feel criticized because
• 28:21
  Speaker 1: my dad was very critical.
• 28:22
  Speaker 3: So I had to work through some of that. Yeah,
• 28:25
  Speaker 3: can you.
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: Relate to any of that?
• 28:27
  Speaker 2: It's hard, that's what I think. Yes, definitely, I can
• 28:30
  Speaker 2: definitely relate. Yeah, I'm very hard on my sales personally,
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: so whatever other people tell sometimes it's like they're being
• 28:38
  Speaker 2: hardened too. Why are you know what is on going on?
• 28:41
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 28:42
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I have to take a step back and see
• 28:44
  Speaker 2: what's going on.
• 28:45
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: Well, and I think this is you know, especially when
• 28:48
  Speaker 1: it comes to communication, Like it's relatively easy I think
• 28:54
  Speaker 1: to teach or coach people into like try saying it
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: this way. You might get a better result. But it's
• 29:01
  Speaker 1: not just what you're saying. It is managing your own
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: internal filter about how you are perceiving what is being
• 29:11
  Speaker 1: said to you. That's the hard part for me, like personally,
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: but also it may work with clients because there's like
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: people hear all kinds of stuff.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: Yes, you know what I'm trying. I kind of named
• 29:23
  Speaker 2: it that way because you need to regroup yourself and say, okay,
• 29:28
  Speaker 2: why am I taking it this way right instead of
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: just firsting? So what first comes? Yeah?
• 29:34
  Speaker 1: So if communication is generally speaking the way to start,
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: unless you have already done a lot of work around
• 29:43
  Speaker 1: communication and you know for sure that's solid, communication is
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: typically where we want to go first. And how do
• 29:50
  Speaker 1: you help people understand what about their communication is working
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: versus not working so that they can get visible ability
• 30:00
  Speaker 1: into this and start improving it. That in itself can
• 30:05
  Speaker 1: feel overwhelming.
• 30:06
  Speaker 2: Where you sure, well, I usually ask them what have
• 30:11
  Speaker 2: they tried?
• 30:12
  Speaker 3: And you know what, yelling louder?
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: I keep yelling out louder and it doesn't get better
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: what's going on? But even if it's something, you know,
• 30:23
  Speaker 2: not yelling that sounds extreme, but like even that it
• 30:26
  Speaker 2: sounds coherent what they're doing, maybe it's not getting them
• 30:30
  Speaker 2: the response or the result that they're looking for. And
• 30:34
  Speaker 2: for some reason people keep doing the same thing wanting
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: to get a different result. Right, So I kind of
• 30:41
  Speaker 2: go into with the couple what they have tried and
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: what has worked and what hasn't worked. Usually it's more
• 30:48
  Speaker 2: of what hasn't worked, which is what got them into
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: my office, right, And so you say I just latantly say, okay,
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: so we have to start doing something else because that
• 30:58
  Speaker 2: definitely is not working. So we have to go to
• 31:00
  Speaker 2: something else. And so we start brainstorming what else could
• 31:03
  Speaker 2: they do in those situations, right to get a different results,
• 31:06
  Speaker 2: the result that would feel better for them. And it's
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: a very nice conversation. Actually that happens with the clients
• 31:12
  Speaker 2: because they brainstorm and it's a good brainstorm, like I'll
• 31:15
  Speaker 2: try to do this, and then the other couple will
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: be not I already did that and it didn't get
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: the answer that I was looking for, right, But it's
• 31:22
  Speaker 2: it's like the meta communication of the communication that they
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: haven't been talking about and for them to have that interaction,
• 31:31
  Speaker 2: in my experience, it's amazing to watch right to talking
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: about how they talk about things, yeah, and brainstorming how
• 31:40
  Speaker 2: could I approach it so my partner feels better when
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: I approach.
• 31:44
  Speaker 1: See, this is so good because I feel like, you know,
• 31:47
  Speaker 1: and I've been in the space in my own life,
• 31:50
  Speaker 1: like sometimes it can just feel so hard. Anything you
• 31:53
  Speaker 1: say could just turn into a fight because people are
• 31:56
  Speaker 1: prime to hear all this negativity and so what you're
• 31:59
  Speaker 1: saying and I just want to instill this hope for
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: one of our friends listening in right now, is that
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: it is absolutely possible to have a collaborative conversation about
• 32:12
  Speaker 1: what do what helped us feel better for both of
• 32:14
  Speaker 1: us that feel so hopeful, and it starts to generate
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: these ideas about what would make it better. And I
• 32:22
  Speaker 1: also want to highlight Alejandra, like you are such a
• 32:25
  Speaker 1: natural coach, Like I know that your background is in
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: marriage and family therapy and your officially licensed as a
• 32:31
  Speaker 1: marriage and family therapist as am I, but like I'm
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: really hearing your very specialized coach training come through this
• 32:39
  Speaker 1: because it's not about necessarily processing the feelings or like
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: you know, and of course we need to honor how
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: people feel, right, but that we're really turning it into
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: and what would make this better that you can start
• 32:54
  Speaker 1: doing right. And I want to talk about what those
• 32:58
  Speaker 1: things are. But before we do, can I ask you
• 33:02
  Speaker 1: your opinion about something that I think really trips up
• 33:05
  Speaker 1: a lot of people and is one of the hidden
• 33:07
  Speaker 1: obstacles to improving communication. Again, I have made this mistake
• 33:12
  Speaker 1: so many times, like in my own relationship. And I'm
• 33:15
  Speaker 1: getting better now, you know, I as I continue to improve,
• 33:18
  Speaker 1: but especially back in the day, when I would think
• 33:21
  Speaker 1: about what wasn't working with communication with my partner, it
• 33:26
  Speaker 1: was never about what I was doing. It was always
• 33:30
  Speaker 1: about like how he was responding or what he was
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: you know, like very focused on what he was doing
• 33:36
  Speaker 1: or wasn't doing.
• 33:37
  Speaker 3: And then you know what it was me.
• 33:38
  Speaker 1: I was like, how dare you how dare you suggest
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: that I am anything besides Bert, you know, because we're
• 33:44
  Speaker 1: all kind of we have a deep understanding of our
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: own point of view, right.
• 33:49
  Speaker 3: And so I think that can you relate?
• 33:52
  Speaker 2: And you know, this is the magic, one of the
• 33:54
  Speaker 2: magics in couples therapy, in my opinion, is that you
• 33:58
  Speaker 2: get these two sides right. You're not just there individually
• 34:02
  Speaker 2: in a session, which is also we also do individual
• 34:05
  Speaker 2: session and it's also very valuable, right, but having the
• 34:08
  Speaker 2: two people there, you're very quickly set in your place.
• 34:13
  Speaker 2: They you know, is saying like, but you do this,
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: and then the other no, but you do this, and
• 34:19
  Speaker 2: so it's like, okay, wait, slow down, Yes, you both
• 34:22
  Speaker 2: have a part in this. This is not one person
• 34:25
  Speaker 2: problem or the other person's problem. This is a problem
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: in the interaction. So the fact having the two people
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: in the room and being able to see both perspectives,
• 34:34
  Speaker 2: it's like such an impulse to make it better. Right,
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: It's like, okay, so you're going to have to make
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: these adjustments, and you're going to have to make these adjustments,
• 34:43
  Speaker 2: and you're going to meet each other halfway and that's
• 34:45
  Speaker 2: going to feel so much better. Right, But these conversations
• 34:49
  Speaker 2: are so hard, Like, yeah, really, I admire all of
• 34:54
  Speaker 2: the clients that come into these sessions because they're willing
• 34:57
  Speaker 2: to have these conversations. Right. They come in and they
• 35:00
  Speaker 2: show up every week, and every week they are there,
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: you know, grinding and grinding to get it better. But
• 35:07
  Speaker 2: the good thing is that we see results.
• 35:09
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 35:10
  Speaker 1: Well, it takes courage. It's absolutely to be to open
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: up and be like, yes, okay, I can understand how
• 35:17
  Speaker 1: I am contributing to this cycle or to this dynamic
• 35:22
  Speaker 1: that feels hard and so and so I guess you know.
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: Another thing that's coming up for me is just you know,
• 35:29
  Speaker 1: you probably know this, but for the benefit of our listeners,
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: if your relationship has been feeling very difficult, and you're
• 35:36
  Speaker 1: focusing a lot on the negatives and the problems, and
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: it's feeling hard and hopeless. One of the things that
• 35:42
  Speaker 1: I just want to say out loud, Alejandra, you mentioned
• 35:46
  Speaker 1: what we for our experience as having two people in
• 35:51
  Speaker 1: the room as relationship coaches, a couple of counselors.
• 35:54
  Speaker 3: You know, you get a full picture.
• 35:57
  Speaker 1: Being in individual therapy, Believe it or not, is correlated
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: with significantly worse relationship satisfaction. Because yeah, there's actually a
• 36:08
  Speaker 1: fair amount that substantiateds this. Because when you are telling
• 36:14
  Speaker 1: your therapist or support person, let me tell you about
• 36:18
  Speaker 1: this ridiculous thing my partner did recently, And their job
• 36:22
  Speaker 1: is to understand your point of view completely and empathetic
• 36:28
  Speaker 1: and emotionally sensitive and reflecting back how you feel. And
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: it did hurt your feelings. It was a frustrating or
• 36:34
  Speaker 1: painful moment.
• 36:35
  Speaker 3: Like all of that is.
• 36:35
  Speaker 1: True, but they're only hearing your side of the story
• 36:39
  Speaker 1: and then amplifying that. And particularly if you're working with
• 36:43
  Speaker 1: a therapist who is not trained in systems theory the
• 36:46
  Speaker 1: way that Alejandra and I are, they're like, wow, this
• 36:49
  Speaker 1: sounds like a really terrible situation and you get out
• 36:53
  Speaker 1: of their exactly or you know, making sweeping statements about
• 36:57
  Speaker 1: the capability of your partner, whereas there may be missing
• 37:00
  Speaker 1: a part of like what happened right before your partner
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: said this really mean thing to you? Tell me about
• 37:07
  Speaker 1: the ten minutes that happened previously said that they can
• 37:10
  Speaker 1: kind of understand. And again not to say that truly
• 37:13
  Speaker 1: abusive relationships aren't a real thing.
• 37:16
  Speaker 3: I mean, that's.
• 37:17
  Speaker 1: Totally true, but many times people don't really have the
• 37:21
  Speaker 1: awareness of how they were showing up in a way
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: that supported a negative response. Lets let's say, versus something
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: that they could have contributed that would have increased the
• 37:33
  Speaker 1: likelihood of it going better rather than worse.
• 37:36
  Speaker 3: Do you know what I'm talking about?
• 37:37
  Speaker 1: You?
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: No, this is so true. And this is actually when
• 37:40
  Speaker 2: I do work with individual clients, Like I tell them
• 37:43
  Speaker 2: I tried to bring other voices into the room, you know,
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: not just theirs, And I say that sin is a consultation, right,
• 37:51
  Speaker 2: this is a very systemic approach, even though you're coming
• 37:54
  Speaker 2: individually because exactly what you're saying, like, I wouldn't want
• 37:57
  Speaker 2: to make the relationship worst, right to know what's really
• 38:01
  Speaker 2: going on, And so I say okay, but what did
• 38:04
  Speaker 2: they respond to that, or, like you said, what happened
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: ten to fifteen minutes before or the day before that? Ah, exactly.
• 38:11
  Speaker 2: And so together we do this work systemically to even
• 38:15
  Speaker 2: though it's individual, because I wouldn't want to ruin anybody's
• 38:19
  Speaker 2: relationship on the country. Absolutely, I'm here promoting healthy relationships
• 38:24
  Speaker 2: and loving relationship.
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: So for a friend listening at home who wants to
• 38:28
  Speaker 1: start moving in this direction so that they can hopefully
• 38:32
  Speaker 1: start working on other parts of their relationship in a
• 38:34
  Speaker 1: constructive way, let's unpack the elements of healthy communication, which
• 38:40
  Speaker 1: from my point of view, really correlate with the pillars
• 38:45
  Speaker 1: of emotional intelligence, honestly, meaning the ability to regulate yourself,
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: the ability to understand how you're feeling, but then also
• 38:56
  Speaker 1: the ability to understand what somebody else's feeling, and then
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: how to communicate or respond in a way that supports
• 39:05
  Speaker 1: that relationship, that is pro relationship that it turns into
• 39:10
  Speaker 1: a positive reaction rather than a negative interaction. And I
• 39:14
  Speaker 1: think that you were talking about your understanding of healthy
• 39:18
  Speaker 1: communication in a similar way, and the first place you
• 39:22
  Speaker 1: often work is by helping people manage their own reactivity in.
• 39:26
  Speaker 3: Some of these moments.
• 39:28
  Speaker 1: So take us into an example of what this looks like.
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: You know, a time before this work has been done,
• 39:35
  Speaker 1: and then a story of transformation somebody who's maybe super
• 39:38
  Speaker 1: reactive and then was able to get a better handle
• 39:41
  Speaker 1: on things so that they could communicate more effectively.
• 39:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I would be happy to do that. So this
• 39:49
  Speaker 2: is a couple of work than the past. They're not
• 39:52
  Speaker 2: my clients right now, and they came to me because
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: they were having trouble, like they were fighting to much. Right,
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: they loved each other very much. There was no stepping
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: out of the relationship. There was nothing extreme I'm quoting
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: this going on, but they were fighting too much and
• 40:13
  Speaker 2: it was part of it was because things got heightened
• 40:19
  Speaker 2: very fast in the relationship. So even if it was
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: like a really small thing like the dishes weren't washed
• 40:25
  Speaker 2: or the clothes weren't set in the dryer or something
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: like that, one of the partners had a lot of
• 40:30
  Speaker 2: trouble controlling. They would think they had to do everything
• 40:34
  Speaker 2: in their relationship and their partner wasn't helping at all,
• 40:37
  Speaker 2: and so it went from zero to one thousand. It's
• 40:41
  Speaker 2: like another example of how I have to do everything
• 40:43
  Speaker 2: and what is going on and all of that. So
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: after some sessions, after some conversation talking about the cycle
• 40:51
  Speaker 2: together with them and bringing it down and seeing what
• 40:54
  Speaker 2: was going on, we were able to tap into both
• 40:59
  Speaker 2: of their her backgrounds and past experiences, and we saw
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: how in this partner's reactivities family, there were no reactions
• 41:12
  Speaker 2: from her parents, right they it was like very aggressive,
• 41:16
  Speaker 2: but nobody said anything. Right, So her reacting so loudly
• 41:21
  Speaker 2: was wanting to make a change because she had seen
• 41:25
  Speaker 2: how there was so much anger and resentment in her
• 41:28
  Speaker 2: parents because nobody got mad and nobody said anything, but
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: it was all under the water and it was so
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: uncomfortable that they wanted to do the opposite and they
• 41:40
  Speaker 2: got reacted really fast. They were saving the relationship. They
• 41:43
  Speaker 2: were doing, you know, something good for the relationship.
• 41:46
  Speaker 1: Oh my god, that makes so much sense though, That's
• 41:48
  Speaker 1: this core understanding of me freaking out and saying exactly
• 41:53
  Speaker 1: how I feel in the moment is a healthy, good
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: thing compared to what happened in my family, even though
• 42:00
  Speaker 1: this partner, I'm guessing their partner was having an ext
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: reaction to it.
• 42:05
  Speaker 2: Wow, exactly right. So the fact that we were able
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: to go into that and the partner understood where this
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: person was coming from, and that person understood also where
• 42:17
  Speaker 2: they were coming from and how they had to find
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: a balance, right, they didn't want to be quiet, that
• 42:21
  Speaker 2: they didn't want to go to a thousand, There was
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: a middle ground. Yes, that was one of the stories
• 42:27
  Speaker 2: that Yeah.
• 42:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but how I wonder you just illustrated. Something else
• 42:31
  Speaker 1: that I think is so incredibly important is that literally
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: all of us learned how to communicate about these kinds
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: of situations from our own family of origin. And if
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: that was an ideal, yes, that is what we either
• 42:46
  Speaker 1: carry forward or try to figure out how to do
• 42:49
  Speaker 1: things differently, and nobody actually teaches us. And so to
• 42:53
  Speaker 1: have the opportunity to sit with you and slow down
• 42:55
  Speaker 1: and have this person's partner being like yeah, when you.
• 42:58
  Speaker 3: Like yell at me, that does bad things to me to.
• 43:01
  Speaker 1: Be like oh okay, and like understanding maybe I could
• 43:04
  Speaker 1: handle these moments better. Not that we don't need to
• 43:07
  Speaker 1: work towards having a more balanced partnership. And yeah, who
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: is responsible for taking a lot of out of the
• 43:13
  Speaker 1: dryer like that? That's fine, but that communication needs to change, yes, first,
• 43:17
  Speaker 1: and how to even do that? So what did actually,
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: you know what, hold on, We're going to take a
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: super quick break. And then on the other side, Alejandra,
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: I'd love for you to tell us. So what did
• 43:30
  Speaker 1: they actually learn how to do differently so that they
• 43:35
  Speaker 1: were able to communicate their preferences in a constructive way
• 43:41
  Speaker 1: that led to problem solving and doing things differently as
• 43:45
  Speaker 1: opposed to a yucky feeling fight.
• 43:47
  Speaker 3: Can we do that after the break?
• 43:49
  Speaker 2: For sure, I'd be happy to talk about them.
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: So, just before the break, my colleague Alejandra Pinero was
• 43:55
  Speaker 1: about to share what this looks like one example, at
• 44:00
  Speaker 1: least of a couple whose communication was feeling very difficult.
• 44:05
  Speaker 3: One person.
• 44:06
  Speaker 1: The only thing they know how to do was to
• 44:09
  Speaker 1: be very kind of combative and conflictual when something wasn't
• 44:13
  Speaker 1: going the way that they wanted it to, which predictably
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: led to problems, but was coming from very noble intentions.
• 44:20
  Speaker 1: They wanted to make the situation better, but they hadn't
• 44:24
  Speaker 1: yet learned how to communicate in a way that would allow.
• 44:26
  Speaker 3: That to happen.
• 44:28
  Speaker 1: So, Alejandra, if you were to deconstruct this for us
• 44:31
  Speaker 1: to give our friends here with us an idea of
• 44:34
  Speaker 1: how this is done. What did this person. This couple
• 44:38
  Speaker 1: need to learn how to do differently in order to
• 44:42
  Speaker 1: manage these moments in a more constructive way.
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: Yeah, the first thing was to be aware of what
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: was going on, right, So we got out of the way,
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: and the partner was able to understand what was going
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: on and why they were going to such extreme lengths
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: to their opinions right, and why it was important to them.
• 45:03
  Speaker 2: So this compassion also hit differently right when they realized
• 45:09
  Speaker 2: where it was coming from. It wasn't against them. It
• 45:12
  Speaker 2: wasn't because they were a terrible person, which was where
• 45:16
  Speaker 2: that was hitting home for them. Right, It's like, oh
• 45:18
  Speaker 2: my god, I don't do anything right, nothing is enough,
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: And so they were feeling like so pushed down, like
• 45:27
  Speaker 2: nothing was enough that they were doing right. So it
• 45:29
  Speaker 2: was like unhinging, like this is okay, this is coming
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: from their past. It's not that I'm inadequate, you know.
• 45:38
  Speaker 2: And so when the partner heard that they were feeling inadequate,
• 45:42
  Speaker 2: they were able to highlight all the wonderful things that
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: they do, you know. And so this created a connection
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: in the conversation that they were having in the room.
• 45:52
  Speaker 2: The same way that they were able to say, it's
• 45:56
  Speaker 2: not necessary for me to go from one to one
• 45:58
  Speaker 2: thousand in a second. There are other ways I can
• 46:02
  Speaker 2: voice what I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and what
• 46:04
  Speaker 2: I'm needing. And if I don't go twe thousand doesn't
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: mean that it's not working. It'll work because my partner
• 46:11
  Speaker 2: is going to hear me, right. So we came up
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: with this structure together of they would help each other out. Right.
• 46:19
  Speaker 2: The partner that was getting heightened very fast was going
• 46:23
  Speaker 2: to say, this is not about you, remember, this is me.
• 46:25
  Speaker 2: It's just important for me. But you're doing I appreciate
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: so much everything that you're doing. And the other partner,
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: if they saw that the other partner was getting heightened,
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: they would say, okay, slow down, this is a bit
• 46:39
  Speaker 2: too much. We can take a break. I love you,
• 46:42
  Speaker 2: we'll come back to it. We'll address it right, Yeah,
• 46:45
  Speaker 2: but let's meet. I think they had agreed in twenty
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: minutes or something like that. They had agreed that that
• 46:50
  Speaker 2: was like enough time for them to decompress and come
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: back to that. And this was very helpful for them,
• 46:56
  Speaker 2: I have to say, though it took them some time
• 46:59
  Speaker 2: after you talked about it, even though they had it
• 47:02
  Speaker 2: very clear in their minds, what was going on. The
• 47:05
  Speaker 2: change didn't happen in the next few days. Right. It
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: was a little bit disheartening at times because they went
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: back to the same old patterns, not being able to
• 47:16
  Speaker 2: get to where they wanted right. But what was amazing
• 47:19
  Speaker 2: about this couple is that they kept trying right and
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: they kept It's like, Okay, this is not a set back.
• 47:26
  Speaker 2: This is just the way we're growing is not linear.
• 47:29
  Speaker 2: We're gonna you know, it's going to have its little
• 47:32
  Speaker 2: like moments.
• 47:33
  Speaker 3: Long, thank you so much.
• 47:35
  Speaker 1: I just want to pause here for one second because
• 47:37
  Speaker 1: what I think you're saying is so profoundly important that
• 47:42
  Speaker 1: what happens in relationship coaching, communication coaching, it is not
• 47:48
  Speaker 1: just informational. Yes, you will get new insights and understanding
• 47:54
  Speaker 1: and to yourself and your partner. You will also learn
• 47:57
  Speaker 1: this might get you better results. But the real power
• 48:01
  Speaker 1: here it's not informational at all. It is experiential. Just
• 48:05
  Speaker 1: like if you were working with a golf.
• 48:07
  Speaker 3: Coach or a sports coach.
• 48:08
  Speaker 1: We don't just say here's how to hit the ball.
• 48:12
  Speaker 1: There is a lot of practice, and you can expect
• 48:16
  Speaker 1: to do it the first twenty times and it isn't
• 48:19
  Speaker 1: going to be quite right because you're still practicing. And
• 48:22
  Speaker 1: I just wanted to say this out loud because I
• 48:24
  Speaker 1: think that many people don't really understand the process of
• 48:29
  Speaker 1: practicing and like internalizing these sorts of changes, that it
• 48:33
  Speaker 1: is a like a growth curve, and it's an unrealistic
• 48:36
  Speaker 1: expectation to believe that it should be different, because you know,
• 48:39
  Speaker 1: because I've had people come back and you know, like, well,
• 48:42
  Speaker 1: we tried to do this thing that you said once
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: and it didn't work, so it's not going to work.
• 48:47
  Speaker 1: I'm like, okay, so like going back to this right.
• 48:50
  Speaker 1: And there are two parts of this, and my experience,
• 48:53
  Speaker 1: one is that the person who's practicing saying something differently, Yes,
• 48:59
  Speaker 1: how do we calm down? How do we say the words?
• 49:01
  Speaker 1: But the other thing that is always true in a
• 49:03
  Speaker 1: system is that your partner has a thousand old experiences
• 49:09
  Speaker 1: of this old way of being, and so the first
• 49:13
  Speaker 1: several times you try a new way of being, they
• 49:16
  Speaker 1: may still react to you or perceive you in the
• 49:19
  Speaker 1: same way, even though you are trying to show up differently.
• 49:24
  Speaker 1: And that's the experiential part. You need to like retrain
• 49:28
  Speaker 1: them to expect different things from you, and that can
• 49:33
  Speaker 1: be something in itself that's hard to fight through.
• 49:36
  Speaker 3: Has that been your experience too, Yeah, that's a big
• 49:39
  Speaker 3: challenge for me.
• 49:40
  Speaker 2: Yeah, that's a big challenge. And I talk about this
• 49:43
  Speaker 2: with my clients a well, it's like, don't get you know, disheartened.
• 49:46
  Speaker 2: It'll get better, but we won't see the change in
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: a week, right, But I assure you, in six months,
• 49:53
  Speaker 2: a year, you'll look back and you'll think, oh, we
• 49:56
  Speaker 2: were so different back then, Like we're doing things so differently,
• 50:00
  Speaker 2: but the changes are so small because you know, we're
• 50:05
  Speaker 2: doing little tweaks and things in small quantities. It's not
• 50:08
  Speaker 2: like we're able to be a different person from one
• 50:10
  Speaker 2: day to the next. Right.
• 50:11
  Speaker 3: Yeah.
• 50:12
  Speaker 2: Sometimes clients are like, no, this is the same, like
• 50:14
  Speaker 2: nothing has changed, right, nothing has changed. And so what
• 50:18
  Speaker 2: I also do is go back with them. It's like, okay,
• 50:21
  Speaker 2: let's talk about that. What about this hasn't changed, and
• 50:25
  Speaker 2: we go over all the things together, like, you're right,
• 50:29
  Speaker 2: this was so much different in the past.
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Progress over time I think can also help you
• 50:35
  Speaker 1: feel like so much hope it is getting better, we're
• 50:38
  Speaker 1: doing it. It turns into this upward spiral, like we
• 50:41
  Speaker 1: can do hard things.
• 50:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly, exactly. Yes.
• 50:46
  Speaker 1: The other thing that I'm interested to hear your your
• 50:48
  Speaker 1: thoughts on is, you know we're talking about when communication
• 50:52
  Speaker 1: does get better, what needs to go into that, And
• 50:58
  Speaker 1: so you're saying the very first piece sometimes is self awareness,
• 51:04
  Speaker 1: but that also this understanding of your partner, and like
• 51:09
  Speaker 1: if there's a different story to explain why things are happening,
• 51:14
  Speaker 1: that is capturing somebody's noble intentions or saying, oh they're
• 51:19
  Speaker 1: not intentionally trying to be mean to me or calling
• 51:22
  Speaker 1: me inadequate. This is what it's attached to for them,
• 51:27
  Speaker 1: which is like this thing that I can actually have
• 51:29
  Speaker 1: a lot of compassion for. That is oftentimes where it
• 51:33
  Speaker 1: begins is by changing the story, and then it moves
• 51:36
  Speaker 1: into regulating the self. So like, I'm having this big
• 51:40
  Speaker 1: response and I know that if things come out of
• 51:44
  Speaker 1: my mouth when I'm in this place, it's not going
• 51:46
  Speaker 1: to end well. So I need to go calm down
• 51:49
  Speaker 1: and then think about what I want to say. So
• 51:51
  Speaker 1: there's there's that, like self management. Those are big pieces,
• 51:55
  Speaker 1: and then it turns into what do we actually say,
• 52:00
  Speaker 1: how do we actually.
• 52:01
  Speaker 3: Respond to our partners in the moment.
• 52:04
  Speaker 1: And I'm wondering if on the other side of this
• 52:06
  Speaker 1: next break we could go more deeply into what that
• 52:10
  Speaker 1: looks like when it works well.
• 52:12
  Speaker 3: Is that okay?
• 52:13
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  Speaker 1: That is m y ski l I g h T
• 54:30
  Speaker 1: dot com slash lahs back with my colleague A Le
• 54:34
  Speaker 1: hundred pinero a marriage of family therapist here at Growing Self,
• 54:38
  Speaker 1: who is deconstructing for us the process of what it
• 54:44
  Speaker 1: takes to improve communication in a relationship, because no matter
• 54:50
  Speaker 1: what your goals are, this is often where to start
• 54:55
  Speaker 1: if communication is not working as very difficult to solve
• 54:58
  Speaker 1: other problems relationship. And so, Alejandra, you are talking about
• 55:02
  Speaker 1: these like foundational pieces awareness of what's going on, self awareness,
• 55:08
  Speaker 1: self regulation, other awareness, bringing in some compassion and understanding
• 55:13
  Speaker 1: and noble intentions. This is the groundwork. But then we
• 55:17
  Speaker 1: also need to learn how to have courageous conversations in
• 55:23
  Speaker 1: an effective way, like what to actually say. But also
• 55:27
  Speaker 1: the other piece ofness is how do we respond to
• 55:31
  Speaker 1: our partners in constructive ways. This is like the skills
• 55:36
  Speaker 1: building part. And so I'd love to hear your thoughts
• 55:40
  Speaker 1: about things that you've seen in your practice.
• 55:43
  Speaker 3: What tends to work better versus you.
• 55:47
  Speaker 1: Know, what doesn't work so well. So when people are communicating, well,
• 55:52
  Speaker 1: what are they doing differently that turns it into a
• 55:56
  Speaker 1: constructive conversation instead.
• 55:58
  Speaker 3: Of a conflict.
• 56:00
  Speaker 2: Yeah, well, I think listening is very important to what
• 56:05
  Speaker 2: the other person is saying and not just having your
• 56:07
  Speaker 2: agenda in mind. If we want to have a conversation
• 56:11
  Speaker 2: and communication, we need to take into account what the
• 56:15
  Speaker 2: other person is saying and responding to that. So I
• 56:19
  Speaker 2: think that is very important. Also, making the other person
• 56:23
  Speaker 2: feel heard is very important, and not just talking over
• 56:27
  Speaker 2: and saying what you're feeling and how what they're feeling
• 56:31
  Speaker 2: is not.
• 56:32
  Speaker 3: The right way to feel exactly.
• 56:35
  Speaker 2: Exactly, And I think those two are key, right, And
• 56:39
  Speaker 2: another very important one is talking to your partner as
• 56:44
  Speaker 2: if you're on the same team, because sometimes we do
• 56:47
  Speaker 2: this on the day to day basis, right, we're making
• 56:50
  Speaker 2: a plan for vacation, we're making a plan to go
• 56:53
  Speaker 2: out or something for the children, and we want the
• 56:55
  Speaker 2: same thing, So it's easy to be on the same thing, right,
• 56:58
  Speaker 2: But when things get hard, I think it's it's I
• 57:02
  Speaker 2: don't know common that couples go to different teams and
• 57:05
  Speaker 2: start just like rooting further for what they're having in
• 57:10
  Speaker 2: mind would be perfect, right or is the ideal situation?
• 57:14
  Speaker 2: And this is where it gets complicated because even if
• 57:17
  Speaker 2: it's coming from a good intention, yeah, you're not prioritizing
• 57:21
  Speaker 2: the relationship in that moment. And when you stop prioritizing
• 57:25
  Speaker 2: the relationship, then communication is not really possible.
• 57:30
  Speaker 1: I hear you, Okay, you just said very important things,
• 57:35
  Speaker 1: and slow down just a second.
• 57:37
  Speaker 3: But first of.
• 57:38
  Speaker 1: All, I think one big takeaway for anybody listening to
• 57:42
  Speaker 1: this is if anything begins to feel conflictual, it's very
• 57:48
  Speaker 1: important to stop trying to advocate for your perspective and
• 57:53
  Speaker 1: instead move into this listening stance like seek to understand first,
• 57:59
  Speaker 1: which can feel kind of counterintuitive, especially if you're like, no,
• 58:03
  Speaker 1: but I want this is what I want, you know
• 58:05
  Speaker 1: what I mean, And to just recognize this in yourself
• 58:08
  Speaker 1: and immediately just take a step back and become curious
• 58:11
  Speaker 1: about what your partner wants that that will diffuse a
• 58:15
  Speaker 1: conflict and help them feel understood. I think that's sometimes
• 58:20
  Speaker 1: I can feel threatening to people like but yes, if
• 58:23
  Speaker 1: I did that, then I would lose, you know, like
• 58:25
  Speaker 1: that that kind of thing, right, And nobody's trying to
• 58:28
  Speaker 1: disempower you. But to reduce the conflict, this is often
• 58:32
  Speaker 1: where we need to go.
• 58:33
  Speaker 2: Yeah, because it's not a win or lose for you,
• 58:36
  Speaker 2: it's a win or lose for the couple. Yeah, if
• 58:39
  Speaker 2: you see it as for you, then it gets tricky
• 58:41
  Speaker 2: and it leads into other areas of the relationship to
• 58:44
  Speaker 2: and that can have impact on how you're feeling about it.
• 58:48
  Speaker 1: So to examine some of those core beliefs that are
• 58:51
  Speaker 1: getting in the way of your being able to listen
• 58:54
  Speaker 1: and understand first, and then I heard you say something
• 58:57
  Speaker 1: else that was so important. If you're choosing you instead
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: of the relationship and whatever's happening, everybody loses, and instead
• 59:06
  Speaker 1: try to move into we're on the same team, we
• 59:09
  Speaker 1: want the same thing, we have a common goal here.
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: How would someone do that in the moment if it
• 59:16
  Speaker 1: feels like communication is starting to break down? Is there
• 59:20
  Speaker 1: a phrase or strategy you teach your clients.
• 59:23
  Speaker 2: Yes, for sure. This is super important. Yeah, And I
• 59:27
  Speaker 2: usually put it in an example that we have been
• 59:30
  Speaker 2: working together, right, and I say, okay, you want the
• 59:34
  Speaker 2: kids to go to day school? Right? Your partner doesn't okay?
• 59:40
  Speaker 2: For you? It's important because whatever reasons you haven't, your
• 59:43
  Speaker 2: partner isn't important. How do you get to that right?
• 59:46
  Speaker 2: Because how are you able to think as a team right?
• 59:50
  Speaker 2: And this is also a very collaborative conversation with them.
• 59:55
  Speaker 2: I name it the way it is. I say you
• 59:58
  Speaker 2: want this because it's good for you. You want this
• 1:00:00
  Speaker 2: because it's good for you, But you guys are not
• 1:00:03
  Speaker 2: thinking as a team what would be good for the
• 1:00:05
  Speaker 2: whole family or for the couple. Right, And again we
• 1:00:09
  Speaker 2: brainstorm together and usually couples they impress me because they
• 1:00:14
  Speaker 2: are so they have so many ideas on what would
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 2: make it better right that I wouldn't have imagined. And
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 2: we usually get to an agreement that feels good for
• 1:00:23
  Speaker 2: that that's amazing.
• 1:00:24
  Speaker 1: But yeah, to have some support and you know, you're
• 1:00:27
  Speaker 1: not the only person in this family. If what the
• 1:00:30
  Speaker 1: goal is is that you guys are actually on the
• 1:00:33
  Speaker 1: same page and we found something that feels good for
• 1:00:35
  Speaker 1: both of you, let's brainstorm what that might look like. Yes,
• 1:00:40
  Speaker 1: you don't have to necessarily agree to it, but let's
• 1:00:42
  Speaker 1: just start that process.
• 1:00:44
  Speaker 3: Of you know, the goal is a mutually agreeable outcome exactly.
• 1:00:49
  Speaker 2: And you know what's funny in some of these instances
• 1:00:51
  Speaker 2: where it's very black and white, either we do one
• 1:00:53
  Speaker 2: thing or we do the other. These conversations, usually it's
• 1:00:58
  Speaker 2: not that they reach a compromise, but the one or
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 2: the other things happens. But both parties are more at
• 1:01:05
  Speaker 2: ease with that happening. It doesn't they are able to
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 2: see how it's going to be helpful for both of
• 1:01:09
  Speaker 2: them even though it's not their choice. Right, it's not
• 1:01:12
  Speaker 2: what they would have wanted. Yeah, right, so they're able
• 1:01:15
  Speaker 2: to arrive at this conclusion like, Okay, I'm not happy
• 1:01:18
  Speaker 2: with my kid going to day school, but I understand
• 1:01:20
  Speaker 2: what they're saying. It's going to be better for the
• 1:01:22
  Speaker 2: three of us, So okay, day school, right. And that
• 1:01:25
  Speaker 2: is also a compromise. Even if you didn't do what
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 2: you were doing or you didn't find the middle.
• 1:01:29
  Speaker 1: Ground, yeah that it's like you need to go deeper
• 1:01:34
  Speaker 1: into what does it mean, more deeply into the shared
• 1:01:38
  Speaker 1: values that whatever the thing is might be related.
• 1:01:42
  Speaker 3: To and find a why that.
• 1:01:45
  Speaker 1: The agreement supports that is more important than whatever it
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 1: was that you were fighting. Exactly such an exactise, Alejandra.
• 1:01:54
  Speaker 1: I wish we had more time together. You are just
• 1:01:56
  Speaker 1: such a wealth of good information about communication, so many
• 1:02:00
  Speaker 1: other things. I know your expertise expends to extends to
• 1:02:04
  Speaker 1: so many different aspects of healthy relationships. But thank you
• 1:02:07
  Speaker 1: for spending this time with me today. And if somebody
• 1:02:10
  Speaker 1: wanted to connect with you be like Alejandra is my person,
• 1:02:14
  Speaker 1: I would have talked to her about what's going on
• 1:02:16
  Speaker 1: in my relationship. And also, you know, we might not
• 1:02:19
  Speaker 1: have mentioned this out loud in our time together, but
• 1:02:22
  Speaker 1: you're bilingual. You work with clients in English and Spanish,
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 1: and you have a lot of experience working in bicultural relationships,
• 1:02:30
  Speaker 1: which can be so valuable because I think cultural influences
• 1:02:34
  Speaker 1: can impact communication styles frequently as well. So what would
• 1:02:38
  Speaker 1: be the process for somebody to connect with you and
• 1:02:40
  Speaker 1: get that ball rolling?
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 2: Oh? They can just get in touch with me through
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 2: the growing self site or to my email.
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: Do you want me to Yeah, well let's do it
• 1:02:50
  Speaker 1: this way. Grow growing self dot com forward slash Alajandra.
• 1:02:55
  Speaker 1: Well I'm going to butcher it. You spell it Alajandra A.
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 2: L E daa ndra.
• 1:03:01
  Speaker 3: See I would have put an extra A in there.
• 1:03:03
  Speaker 3: So I'm so glad you did this.
• 1:03:04
  Speaker 1: So growingself dot com forward slash Alejandra to learn more
• 1:03:08
  Speaker 1: about her book, your free consultation session to get to
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: know each other see if it might be a good
• 1:03:12
  Speaker 1: fit before moving forward. So all one hundred, You're a gem.
• 1:03:16
  Speaker 1: Thanks again so much.
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 2: No, thank you so much, Lisa. It was wonderful having
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 2: this conversation with you.
• 1:03:24
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  Speaker 1: Alejandra is such a gem. She is just such a
• 1:05:42
  Speaker 1: grounding presence. Like obviously she's incredibly intelligent and experience and
• 1:05:46
  Speaker 1: she knows what she's doing.
• 1:05:48
  Speaker 3: But I feel like she's so.
• 1:05:49
  Speaker 1: So soothing and calming, and so that in itself can
• 1:05:53
  Speaker 1: really stop a conflict cycle in the presence of someone
• 1:05:57
  Speaker 1: like Alejandra, who's like, and so let's talk about what's
• 1:06:01
  Speaker 1: happening here and how we can start building bridges to
• 1:06:04
  Speaker 1: the center.
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 3: And so we talked a.
• 1:06:05
  Speaker 1: Little bit about how you can connect with alle Jundra
• 1:06:08
  Speaker 1: directly if you'd like to Growing self dot com forward
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  Speaker 1: slash Alejandra. But before I let you go, I want
• 1:06:14
  Speaker 1: to give you a couple other resources first, if you
• 1:06:18
  Speaker 1: would like to get just an overall snapshot of your
• 1:06:22
  Speaker 1: relationship and even a starter pack idea into what are
• 1:06:27
  Speaker 1: the strengths of your relationship and where are the growth opportunities?
• 1:06:31
  Speaker 1: I have a totally free assessment that you can take
• 1:06:34
  Speaker 1: right now to give you visibility into how your relationship
• 1:06:38
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• 1:06:43
  Speaker 1: for growth and positive change. So this is my how
• 1:06:46
  Speaker 1: healthy is your Relationship quiz and you can find it
• 1:06:50
  Speaker 1: at growing self dot com forward slash Relationship hyphen Quiz.
• 1:06:56
  Speaker 1: You can take this on your own, but better yet,
• 1:06:59
  Speaker 1: you can take this simple, gosh five minute probably assessment
• 1:07:04
  Speaker 1: with your partner.
• 1:07:05
  Speaker 3: So you can take it with yourself.
• 1:07:07
  Speaker 1: You can send the link to your partner they can
• 1:07:08
  Speaker 1: take it and then use this as conversation starter to
• 1:07:13
  Speaker 1: share your results with each other. This is how I
• 1:07:17
  Speaker 1: responded to these questions about our relationship because from my perspective,
• 1:07:22
  Speaker 1: our teamwork has some opportunities for improvement. Whereas I thought,
• 1:07:29
  Speaker 1: you know, we're absolutely on the same page when it
• 1:07:31
  Speaker 1: comes to our shared hopes and goals. And then give
• 1:07:34
  Speaker 1: your partner an opportunity to share their results with you,
• 1:07:38
  Speaker 1: but then also use that as a very easy conversation
• 1:07:42
  Speaker 1: starter to just ask the question from your perspective, what
• 1:07:47
  Speaker 1: would make this relationship feel better for you? What is working,
• 1:07:54
  Speaker 1: but also what feels like it's not working? Because I
• 1:07:57
  Speaker 1: want to know about that so that I can work
• 1:08:00
  Speaker 1: with you in order to improve this amazing to have
• 1:08:05
  Speaker 1: that kind of moment with your partner that leads to
• 1:08:07
  Speaker 1: a constructive upward spiral. The other substantial training. Actually it
• 1:08:14
  Speaker 1: is a free two part training that I put together
• 1:08:19
  Speaker 1: just because I wanted to that goes into some of
• 1:08:24
  Speaker 1: the mechanics of communication that connects. You can access it
• 1:08:29
  Speaker 1: immediately totally free Growingself, dot Com Forward Slash Communication. You'll
• 1:08:35
  Speaker 1: sign up and you'll get instant access to two video
• 1:08:40
  Speaker 1: trainings with me and also this workbook that you can download.
• 1:08:45
  Speaker 1: Of course you can get more than one copy, which
• 1:08:47
  Speaker 1: helps you understand the pillars and the foundations of healthy
• 1:08:52
  Speaker 1: emotionally safe communication and it will give you visibility into
• 1:08:56
  Speaker 1: where things are working right now. Just with communication, but
• 1:09:00
  Speaker 1: also your opportunities for growth and improvement. You can start
• 1:09:04
  Speaker 1: learning with me and working through these on your own,
• 1:09:07
  Speaker 1: because any improvement that you make in the way that
• 1:09:10
  Speaker 1: you communicate will instantly change the dynamic between you and
• 1:09:15
  Speaker 1: your partner, Like what Alejandra and I were talking about earlier,
• 1:09:19
  Speaker 1: If even one side of that system changes, it always
• 1:09:23
  Speaker 1: influences the whole thing. Of course, you know to apply
• 1:09:27
  Speaker 1: these over time is also very important, but you'll understand
• 1:09:30
  Speaker 1: what you can do in order to start making this better.
• 1:09:34
  Speaker 1: And oh my gosh it turbo charges the whole thing.
• 1:09:37
  Speaker 1: If your partner isn't a place where they're interested in
• 1:09:40
  Speaker 1: doing this with you, so open door invited, growingself, dot com,
• 1:09:45
  Speaker 1: forward slash communication. And I will also just say for
• 1:09:49
  Speaker 1: some people in my experience, it is oftentimes the case
• 1:09:53
  Speaker 1: that one person is interested in doing all the things
• 1:09:57
  Speaker 1: to improve a relationship, right to these kinds of podcasts,
• 1:10:01
  Speaker 1: reading these kinds of books, talking to somebody like me
• 1:10:05
  Speaker 1: or Alejandra like making the appointment, investing in that level
• 1:10:08
  Speaker 1: of support, and it can feel frustrating sometimes if your
• 1:10:13
  Speaker 1: partner is like I don't want to talk to anybody,
• 1:10:16
  Speaker 1: or is too expensive or lah lah Lah. There could
• 1:10:18
  Speaker 1: be all kinds of reasons, and frequently from what I
• 1:10:22
  Speaker 1: have learned, this can be due to anxiety of the unknown,
• 1:10:28
  Speaker 1: if they've never had professional support before, or sometimes if
• 1:10:31
  Speaker 1: they've had especially if they have a background and more
• 1:10:35
  Speaker 1: traditional therapy clinical mental health, which is for the purpose
• 1:10:40
  Speaker 1: by the way of diagnosing and treating clinical mental health conditions,
• 1:10:44
  Speaker 1: not necessarily development or relationship improvement, which is what Alejandra
• 1:10:50
  Speaker 1: and I were talking about today, because even though Alejandra
• 1:10:53
  Speaker 1: and I both have backgrounds as licensed marriage and family therapists,
• 1:10:57
  Speaker 1: what we do in practice is actually relationship ship coaching,
• 1:11:01
  Speaker 1: so we're not here to diagnose people. It's what are
• 1:11:04
  Speaker 1: you doing that is contributing to the outcome you're getting
• 1:11:07
  Speaker 1: now and what needs to change in order for this
• 1:11:10
  Speaker 1: to be better and different. So this is this is
• 1:11:13
  Speaker 1: quite a different stance, and you'll frequently find and other
• 1:11:16
  Speaker 1: types of therapy. So if your partners has been pathologized
• 1:11:19
  Speaker 1: in the past, or is afraid that there's going to
• 1:11:22
  Speaker 1: be more of a treatment focus and I don't want
• 1:11:25
  Speaker 1: to do that, or if it's going to be a
• 1:11:26
  Speaker 1: lot of emoting or talking about how I feel about
• 1:11:28
  Speaker 1: my mother and I don't want to do that totally
• 1:11:32
  Speaker 1: fair and valid, right, So that might be a reason
• 1:11:36
  Speaker 1: for looking for MFT who does specifically relationship coaching. But
• 1:11:41
  Speaker 1: the other thing that's also true is that people can
• 1:11:44
  Speaker 1: feel apprehensive about am I going to be ganged up on?
• 1:11:48
  Speaker 1: Is this going to turn out to be my fault?
• 1:11:51
  Speaker 3: Right? And all kinds of stuff.
• 1:11:53
  Speaker 1: And so all of this to say that one easy
• 1:11:57
  Speaker 1: accessible entry point into working on your relationship more actively
• 1:12:04
  Speaker 1: can be to go to my website growingself dot com,
• 1:12:08
  Speaker 1: Forward slash Communication, download this totally free to part training,
• 1:12:13
  Speaker 1: download the workbook if you show it to your partner
• 1:12:16
  Speaker 1: like these are some of the things that we would
• 1:12:18
  Speaker 1: be working on.
• 1:12:19
  Speaker 3: These are some of.
• 1:12:20
  Speaker 1: The ideas that doctor Lisa has about things that we
• 1:12:23
  Speaker 1: could try. And also, doctor Lisa in this free to
• 1:12:27
  Speaker 1: part training, one of the things that I'm going to
• 1:12:29
  Speaker 1: be talking about is for you to perhaps let your
• 1:12:33
  Speaker 1: hopes and goals for what improved communication in your relationship
• 1:12:36
  Speaker 1: looks like for just a minute and actually get curious
• 1:12:39
  Speaker 1: about your partner and to say out loud, what would
• 1:12:43
  Speaker 1: you like to have be different in the way we
• 1:12:46
  Speaker 1: communicate and relate to each other that would make this
• 1:12:49
  Speaker 1: relationship feel better for you immediately when you go there,
• 1:12:53
  Speaker 1: somebody's to be like, oh really you want to know
• 1:12:56
  Speaker 1: about my opinion and how I feel and what.
• 1:12:58
  Speaker 3: I might want.
• 1:12:59
  Speaker 1: All of a sudden, now I have a reason to
• 1:13:03
  Speaker 1: do this with you if it isn't going to be
• 1:13:06
  Speaker 1: you know, me conforming to your ideal of whatever you
• 1:13:09
  Speaker 1: think that I should be, but instead having actual space
• 1:13:13
  Speaker 1: for me to be who I am and to also
• 1:13:16
  Speaker 1: get my needs met in this relationship. When you can
• 1:13:18
  Speaker 1: come to your partner in that kind of spirit to
• 1:13:21
  Speaker 1: say what would make this better for you, that is
• 1:13:25
  Speaker 1: a easy yes for most people. Okay, I'm going to
• 1:13:29
  Speaker 1: stop right here, but thank you again so much for
• 1:13:31
  Speaker 1: spending this time today with me, with Alejandra. I hope
• 1:13:34
  Speaker 1: you got some good stuff out of this conversation. There's
• 1:13:37
  Speaker 1: more where that came from. We loaded you up with
• 1:13:39
  Speaker 1: free resources. You could talk to Alajandra for a free
• 1:13:41
  Speaker 1: conversation consultation session rather growing self dot Com Forward slash
• 1:13:45
  Speaker 1: Aalajandra our relationship quiz growing self dot Com hyphen or
• 1:13:51
  Speaker 1: slash Relationship hyphen quiz, and that the communication training growing
• 1:13:55
  Speaker 1: self dot Com Forward Slash Communication and I will be
• 1:13:59
  Speaker 1: back in touch with you next week with another episode
• 1:14:01
  Speaker 1: of love, happiness and success.
• 1:14:03
  Speaker 3: Take care of
• 1:14:19
  Speaker 2: H