Latest / Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers / 118: Stop People Pleasing and Start Loving: How to Tell The Difference

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118: Stop People Pleasing and Start Loving: How to Tell The Difference · Inner Work With MaryAnn Walker: Life Coach for People Pleasers

• 0:21
  Well, hello and welcome back.
• 0:22
  My name is MaryAnn Walker and I am the life coach for empaths highly sensitive people and people pleasers.
• 0:28
  And today we are going to be exploring the idea of loving people versus people pleasing, because honestly, sometimes it can be really a challenge to tell the difference between these two.
• 0:39
  We like to tell ourselves the story that well, I'm just being nice or, well, no, this is just what is expected of me.
• 0:45
  I'm just following expectations.
• 0:47
  But when we're able to really notice the differences between giving from a place of love versus giving through people pleasing, then this little acknowledgement here in the self-awareness can help us to actually live more balanced and fulfilling lives and really help us to minimize the shame and the guilt that can come from people pleasing.
• 1:07
  So today we're going to explore four differences between love and people pleasing.
• 1:12
  And the first one is our motivation behind it.
• 1:16
  So the actions on the outside might look the same, but it's what's happening internally.
• 1:21
  That is going to give us the information.
• 1:23
  So for example, love is motivated by genuine care compassion and empathy for other people.
• 1:30
  It really comes from a deep desire to support and uplift other people because of the positive feelings that we are experiencing internally towards those that are experiencing life externally, right?
• 1:42
  It's coming from the inside and moving outward.
• 1:45
  That is that love.
• 1:46
  It's motivated by how we feel about others.
• 1:49
  So, for example, maybe you're offering emotional support to a friend who is going through a hard time because you genuinely care about their wellbeing.
• 1:57
  And you want to see them happy and healthy.
• 1:59
  Okay.
• 1:59
  That is motivated by love.
• 2:02
  Now with people, pleasing people pleasing is more motivated by a desire to seek approval.
• 2:07
  To avoid conflict and it might even stem from a fear of rejection from others.
• 2:12
  This might look like prioritizing other people's wants wishes and desires over your own so that you can experience that external validation or that external acceptance from others.
• 2:23
  So in other words, people pleasing is about how we want other people to feel about us.
• 2:28
  It's about how can I be better received by this person outside of me to fulfill that internal desire for.
• 2:36
  validation And that is a very different motive than the love, which is how we actually genuinely feel about other people.
• 2:42
  For example, when you're people pleasing, you might find that you are actually agreeing to take on extra work at the office, even though you're already feeling really overwhelmed.
• 2:50
  By your current projects.
• 2:51
  Because you have this underlying fear that, my coworkers, they're not going to think as highly of me, they're actually think less of me.
• 2:59
  If I say no to this project, if I don't take on extra work.
• 3:02
  And so it's that little bit of fear behind it.
• 3:05
  And again, it's because of this fear that we won't be accepted, right.
• 3:09
  That we will in fact be rejected.
• 3:11
  So check in with your motives and notice.
• 3:13
  Okay.
• 3:13
  Am I doing this because of how I feel about others?
• 3:16
  Or am I doing this because of how I want them to feel about me?
• 3:21
  There's a big difference there.
• 3:23
  All right.
• 3:23
  Number two boundaries.
• 3:25
  Love respects boundaries.
• 3:28
  It allows other people to express their wants, wishes, and their feelings free of judgment.
• 3:34
  We can just accept that.
• 3:35
  Okay.
• 3:35
  I respect your boundary.
• 3:37
  And I'm going to respond accordingly.
• 3:40
  Okay.
• 3:40
  We just let people be where they're at.
• 3:42
  Love recognizes and accepts that each individual is responsible for their own wellbeing.
• 3:48
  And that means that they're also responsible for their boundaries.
• 3:51
  And that we can love and accept them for that.
• 3:54
  Now we have talked here on the podcast before about manuals, and honestly we're probably overdue for a refresher course on that.
• 4:01
  So make sure that you are subscribed to the podcast so that you can learn more about manuals as I start to push out that information.
• 4:07
  but in short manuals are basically our invisible list of instructions for how we think other people should think act and behave.
• 4:15
  And when we have this invisible list of instructions for how we think other people should be, we're not actually loving and accepting them where they're actually at.
• 4:25
  And these manuals also tend to really put conditions on our love because we are actually loving people where they are.
• 4:31
  We're actually loving them where we think that they could or should be instead.
• 4:35
  We aren't loving the person exactly where they are.
• 4:38
  For example, when you're acting through love, you're listening attentively to your partner's concerns and listening attentively to their opinions.
• 4:45
  And you're not trying to convince them to agree with you or to change their perspective or to convince them that you are right and that they are wrong.
• 4:52
  You are just okay with hearing what their perspective is.
• 4:55
  It creates more empathy.
• 4:57
  We're able to understand.
• 4:58
  Oh, okay.
• 4:59
  That's interesting.
• 4:59
  Tell me more.
• 5:00
  I didn't know that you were feeling that way about this current situation.
• 5:03
  Can you tell me more about that?
• 5:05
  It's approaching it through the lens of compassionate curiosity rather than defensiveness.
• 5:10
  Okay.
• 5:10
  We just love people where they're at.
• 5:12
  We want to get to know them where they're at.
• 5:14
  We're seeking that authentic connection, which means we are able to live mask free and we want other people to live mask free as well, so that we can better love them exactly as they are.
• 5:25
  Now people pleasing on the other hand than it might actually look like ignoring or compromising your own personal boundaries, because we just want to be loved and accepted.
• 5:34
  And it might also look like not actually respecting other people's boundaries because we think.
• 5:38
  No.
• 5:39
  Well, they're telling me that this is what they want, but I really know that this is what they want.
• 5:42
  And then they're going to love me so much more.
• 5:45
  Right.
• 5:45
  So we're not actually loving and accepting people where they're at, when we're coming at it through that lens of people pleasing.
• 5:51
  And when we are ignoring or compromising our own boundaries, then it's really going to be leading to those feelings of anger and resentment and burnout.
• 5:59
  Because remember, sometimes we think, well, you know, what if I just ignore my boundaries and I show up for them anyway, they're going to recognize my huge and significant sacrifice.
• 6:08
  And because my sacrifice is so great, then they're going to finally see me for who I am.
• 6:13
  And then it's all just going to be great.
• 6:15
  But then what we're essentially doing is we're not loving ourselves where we're at.
• 6:19
  And so we might be ignoring our own mental, emotional, physical, financial limitations in an effort to make somebody else happy, but we're also doing it now with the unspoken expectation that now this is going to be returned.
• 6:32
  This is going to come back to me.
• 6:34
  One of my friends told me once that unspoken expectations are premeditated resentments, and boy did that strike a chord with me where I realized, yeah, there are so many times where, especially as people pleasers, we're showing up for something and we're not actually expressing our expectations of, okay, how am I going to get a return on my investment?
• 6:54
  Right.
• 6:55
  So, for example, maybe you were attending social events, even though you have no interest in them and you would honestly rather be spending your time alone, but you're showing up because you're worried about disappointing your friends.
• 7:06
  So then you show up at the party, you don't actually want to be there.
• 7:10
  How are you going to be showing up at the party?
• 7:12
  You're thinking that now my friends are going to be so happy that I showed up and they're going to see my great sacrifice, but more than likely your body language is probably conveying the message that, yeah, this was a real sacrifice.
• 7:23
  And I actually don't really want to be here.
• 7:26
  And then you might be creating the very scenario you're trying to avoid where now your friends are feeling disappointed because they can feel that you didn't actually want to be there.
• 7:35
  Now with love, then you are actually loving and accepting the other person exactly as they are.
• 7:42
  And you are loving and accepting yourself as you are.
• 7:46
  You are okay with having your own wants, wishes, desires, and opinions.
• 7:52
  But when we're people pleasing, then we're not only having these manuals for other people for how they should show up how they should reciprocate, how much they should appreciate everything that we're doing for them.
• 8:02
  But we also have manuals for ourselves for how we should be showing up.
• 8:07
  Which means that we have now essentially chosen to make our lovability, conditional upon our ability or capability of showing up for other people.
• 8:17
  And so then we've made it more about what we do for other people and less about who we are, which means we're not actually loving ourselves where we're at, right.
• 8:26
  We're loving ourselves for what we do, not for who we are.
• 8:28
  And this also means that we might actually be compromising our own values and our own boundaries in an effort to win over others.
• 8:36
  But when we do that, At the same time we are now out of integrity with ourselves.
• 8:41
  We're doing things we don't actually want to do, and that's going to be conveyed when we're showing up through that lens of resentment.
• 8:48
  So some examples of this might be that maybe you allow your date to get a little bit more handsy with you than you're comfortable with because you want the date to like you, or you don't want to hurt their feelings.
• 8:58
  There's all sorts of reasons why we shift our boundaries or ignore them completely in order to gain that validation or approval from other people.
• 9:06
  But when we do that, we are essentially saying the other people's feelings are more important than our own.
• 9:11
  But when we really learn that,okay.no, my feelings are at least as valid.
• 9:16
  Then we can create that inner confidence where we are willing to speak up.
• 9:19
  We're able to state our boundaries and that can create more authentic connections with other people.
• 9:24
  Because then we're actually showing up as ourselves.
• 9:26
  When we are shifting our boundaries, they don't know who we are because they don't know our boundaries.
• 9:30
  They don't know our limits.
• 9:31
  Right.
• 9:32
  We are accommodating them.
• 9:33
  We are not showing up authentically and that's going to create superficial relationships that are essentially pretty transactional because it is more about what we're doing for them than who we actually are.
• 9:44
  And this might look like agreeing to do things for other people or with other people, even when it pushes beyond our budget, our energy level, our mental capacity, and that really can put us in a lot of compromising situations that ultimately lead to a lot of resentment towards the very people that we were trying to win over.
• 10:00
  Right.
• 10:01
  And when we do this, we are out of alignment with ourselves.
• 10:04
  And that is mostly because we're thinking that we need to change in order to accommodate other people.
• 10:12
  But when we do that, we are not actually loving them.
• 10:15
  And more importantly, we're not loving ourselves.
• 10:18
  We're not being honest about who we are.
• 10:20
  We're trying to hide who we are because we're so ashamed of who we are.
• 10:23
  We think we need to be somebody different in order to gain that love and acceptance.
• 10:27
  But when we can really work towards creating that love and acceptance for ourselves, then we can state our boundaries with a lot more confidence and create those more authentic relationships.
• 10:36
  And that leads to number three authenticity.
• 10:38
  So love, encourages, authenticity and honesty in relationships.
• 10:43
  It allows individuals to express themselves openly and authentically without fear of judgment.
• 10:50
  Or rejection.
• 10:51
  Love lets people be who they are.
• 10:54
  And I'll oftentimes when I tell people that love lets people be who they are, and it just means putting down those manuals and putting down those expectations and just loving and accepting people where they're at then I think, but I really hope that they'll change.
• 11:06
  Right.
• 11:06
  Isn't it good for me to want more for this person if I love them?
• 11:09
  And yes, you can actually love people exactly where they are at, and also hope that they're able to have the experiences that they need in order to experience personal growth.
• 11:19
  But with love, we are still loving and accepting them exactly as they are without forcing an agenda that their growth needs to happen on our timeline.
• 11:28
  It lets them be real.
• 11:30
  It lets them learn through their own experiences and allows us to be real and be able to just show up more authentically, because we're prioritizing genuine connection over acceptance from other people.
• 11:43
  So, for example, maybe you choose to share your true thoughts and feelings with your family members, even if they don't always agree with you because you value honesty and openness in relationships, you're going to allow them to actually see you for you.
• 11:56
  And show up honestly, authentically in that relationship.
• 11:59
  And that's going to also be giving them permission to do the same thing.
• 12:03
  And it's going to create those opportunities for growth, where yeah.
• 12:05
  They might have a difference of opinion and they might have some strong feelings on your having a difference of opinion, but you're both able to grow through that experience and that can actually deepen your connection.
• 12:15
  Now with people pleasing, then this might look like suppressing or altering your true thoughts, feelings, or opinions because you're essentially wanting to please other people or avoid conflict.
• 12:27
  Or create a certain level of acceptance by the other person.
• 12:30
  So, for example, maybe you pretend to agree with your friends political views.
• 12:34
  Even though you have a lot of disagreements on it comes down to the big things that they're super excited about.
• 12:40
  You have an opposite view and you do this because you're afraid of causing tension or conflict in the relationship.
• 12:46
  You're afraid that if they knew what you really thought.
• 12:49
  Then your friend would leave.
• 12:51
  And so people pleasing it, prioritizes, acceptance.
• 12:54
  Over authentic and genuine love.
• 12:56
  But remember that.
• 12:58
  When you're able to show up through that genuine authenticity, it's going to create those true connections when we're showing up with the intent of just being accepted by other people it really kind of sets that level of connection and a more superficial layer.
• 13:11
  And I know many people I work with, they're really seeking to have that deep connection, but first they have to overcome this fear that it's okay for them to show up authentically.
• 13:20
  All right.
• 13:20
  Number four, self respect, love promotes self-respect and self-worth by recognizing and valuing your own needs, feelings and boundaries.
• 13:32
  It lets individuals prioritize their own wellbeing and their own happiness.
• 13:36
  And it lets you prioritize that for yourself as well.
• 13:39
  So for example, maybe you choose to prioritize self care activities like exercise or meditation.
• 13:45
  Even when other people try to guilt trip, you maybe it's at an inconvenient time for you, or maybe they want you to go and play pickleball instead of do yoga.
• 13:53
  Right.
• 13:53
  They might have a different idea of what you might enjoy more.
• 13:56
  And maybe you want to be open to the idea of trying new things, but you can actually enjoy self care in whatever way you choose to enjoy self care.
• 14:04
  And it is okay for you to do that.
• 14:06
  And you don't need to, you know, guilt trip yourself or allow others to guilt trip you into putting what they want ahead of what you want.
• 14:13
  You're able to stand in your own integrity again, because that is a top priority is self-love and self-respect and because self-love, and self-respect is a top priority for you.
• 14:24
  And that's what you're really working to cultivate.
• 14:26
  It actually creates that inner confidence where now you are not as easily swayed by other people's wants and opinions and desires.
• 14:34
  Right.
• 14:34
  You can stand in your own integrity that, Hey, it's okay.
• 14:37
  I'm going to go to yoga and you go to pickleball and then we can go out to a movie later.
• 14:40
  Right.
• 14:41
  You're able to just really be like, oh Nope.
• 14:43
  I feel confident in my decision.
• 14:44
  And it's okay.
• 14:45
  There's not a right or wrong.
• 14:47
  It's not that anyone's opinion has more power than the other, but it's really honoring and acknowledging that.
• 14:52
  Yeah I'm choosing to invest in me.
• 14:55
  And that's O K.
• 14:57
  Now with people pleasing, then this might look like sacrificing self-respect or compromising your own personal values again, in order to gain approval or acceptance from other people.
• 15:07
  It's that outward coming in, right where we're seeking that external validation.
• 15:11
  So for example, maybe you're kind of laughing and going along with your friends, insensitive jokes or comments that they were making while you were out to dinner, even though they make you feel really uncomfortable and you're tolerating it because you're afraid of being seen as overly sensitive.
• 15:26
  or uptight.
• 15:28
  And this sounds like such a high school thing, right?
• 15:30
  And yes, it happens in high school and it happens for adults too.
• 15:34
  So notice for yourself.
• 15:35
  If you find that you were a little bit of a go a longer, who is laughing at jokes that you actually feel like are really insensitive and not in alignment with who you are, or if you're nodding along with other people's political views, even though you actually feel really strongly in the opposite direction.
• 15:50
  So internally you're experiencing a lot of emotions, but externally.
• 15:54
  You're nodding and leading them to believe that you believe a certain way.
• 15:58
  Um, but inside you're thinking no, but they should actually be thinking differently.
• 16:02
  We should be thinking the same.
• 16:04
  Just kind of notice that, that maybe this is a situation where I'm not actually loving them where they're at in the moment.
• 16:09
  In fact, I'm feeling pretty resentful because I'm feeling like I can't show up authentically, but they're not telling you that you can't show up authentically.
• 16:17
  You're choosing internally.
• 16:19
  That it is more important for you in that moment to be accepted by others then for you to show up authentically and genuinely.
• 16:25
  So just notice that for yourself.
• 16:27
  What is it that I'm choosing right now?
• 16:29
  And decide for yourself to choose into love and choose into genuine, authentic connection.
• 16:35
  So, let me be clear that loving somebody, it doesn't mean that you have to tolerate them and just let them keep showing up.
• 16:42
  Even when you two are out of alignment with each other.
• 16:44
  Loving somebody sometimes means saying no.
• 16:47
  So, yeah, you can love and accept that somebody has a different belief from you.
• 16:50
  It doesn't mean that you have to suddenly start to condone their beliefs or change your beliefs to align with theirs.
• 16:56
  But true love is acknowledging that we are different.
• 16:59
  And I still love you.
• 17:00
  It's okay for us to be different.
• 17:02
  It gives other people permission to live how they want to live and believe, and it gives yourself love and permission to just believe what it is that you want to believe.
• 17:10
  And sometimes love says no.
• 17:12
  And this principle was illustrated beautifully in Marianne Williamson's book, a return to love.
• 17:17
  She's shared in that book, a story about a time when she got stood up on a date.
• 17:22
  And this really upset her to be stood up.
• 17:24
  That's not a kind thing.
• 17:26
  And she thought of all of the ways that she could handle this.
• 17:29
  And basically she thought of of two ways that she could handle it.
• 17:31
  She thought, well, I could either rage at him.
• 17:33
  And then I look like a crazy person and I look like I'm the one who is in the wrong.
• 17:38
  And he might even be thinking, geez, I really dodged a bullet with that one, she would be out of integrity with herself.
• 17:43
  If she raged at him.
• 17:44
  But then the other option she thought of was well, but I also don't want to tolerate the behavior and continue to be in relationship with somebody that doesn't respect my time.
• 17:54
  And so she kind of felt stuck in the middle.
• 17:56
  And then she thought about this, then there was a great line in there.
• 17:59
  She said,"unconditional love.
• 18:00
  I could understand, but not unconditional dating." And I love that.
• 18:05
  She said that because she still could act through love.
• 18:09
  But unconditional love does not mean unconditional dating.
• 18:13
  She was able to recognize that sometimes love says no.
• 18:17
  Sometimes love says I'm not going to remain in a relationship where I'm treated this way.
• 18:21
  Love says, I love you enough to let you decide how you want to show up.
• 18:25
  And I love myself enough to give myself the opportunity to decide consciously how I want to respond to your treatment.
• 18:33
  Love is not a doormat.
• 18:35
  And if you're feeling like a doormat, then you might be people pleasing rather than showing up in love.
• 18:40
  And I can totally help you with that.
• 18:42
  So message me and let me know if you would like some coaching on that.
• 18:44
  If you're feeling like a doormat, but ultimately she was able to get to a place of love in this relationship.
• 18:50
  And the guy called, I think she said about two weeks later.
• 18:54
  And he didn't even recall that he didn't show up for the date.
• 18:56
  Right?
• 18:57
  There was no apology.
• 18:58
  She thought, well, maybe he'll show up with flowers.
• 19:00
  Right.
• 19:00
  These are manuals that if he shows up in this way, maybe I'll take him back.
• 19:04
  If he shows up with flowers.
• 19:05
  If he's super sincere in his apology, he had no recollection that he had ever stood her up.
• 19:11
  And she just let him know, you know what?
• 19:12
  I think that you're a great guy.
• 19:14
  And I think we'll be great friends from here on out.
• 19:17
  There won't be any more dates.
• 19:19
  And at first he was a little bit taken back, but since she was able to approach it from that place of love, then it was just very matter of fact, it's like, no, like this is a compatibility issue.
• 19:28
  I can love you and that doesn't mean that I have to continue to date you and that I have to continue to tolerate mistreatment.
• 19:35
  So remember, sometimes love says no.
• 19:38
  And that's okay.
• 19:40
  Okay.
• 19:40
  So just in summary, overall, the key difference between love and people pleasing, it really lies in the motivation coming behind all of those behaviors.
• 19:49
  And so just notice that love is about how you feel projecting outward, how you want to show up in love and kindness for other people.
• 19:57
  Whereas people pleasing is about how you want people to think or feel or treat you.
• 20:02
  Okay.
• 20:03
  So it's just a different direction that behaviors can look almost identical.
• 20:07
  In fact, oftentimes they are basically identical.
• 20:09
  But your motives behind those actions can be vastly different.
• 20:13
  And as you really work to create that inner confidence and find that internal validation.
• 20:18
  It can help to break those chains of people.
• 20:20
  Pleasing so that you can show up in more genuine and authentic ways.
• 20:24
  And create those more genuine and authentic relationships.
• 20:28
  So, Hey, if you would like some help and support breaking free of your people, pleasing tendencies.
• 20:32
  Come and work with me.
• 20:33
  I have put all my contact information in the show notes, and I would love to work with you.
• 20:37
  Right now I'm offering six week packages.
• 20:39
  And I think that you're going to be surprised by how much we can accomplish and just six weeks together.
• 20:44
  So if you'd like to work with me, don't forget to check out the show notes and let's talk soon.
• 20:48
  Alright, bye now.