Latest / Privycast / Ep. 152 Poo Slinging Christmas Goblins

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Ep. 152 Poo Slinging Christmas Goblins · Privycast

0:01
>> Hunter Hoover: I think. I think Mr. Tumas Vibes is something we
0:04
all ought to shoot for in 2025.
0:14
Welcome back to Privy. Privy is
0:17
a podcast about bathrooms
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recorded from my home
0:22
bathroom. I'm your host, Hunter
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Hoover, and I love bathrooms.
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Welcome back, everyone. Thank you for being here. Happy
0:30
Privy Christmas. Uh, this is our. This is our
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second episode of the season. Uh, we hope
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that your. Your holiday cheer. Your logs have been
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festive, your sprays have been holly and
0:42
jolly. Um, and yeah, we're just. We're just kicking off.
0:45
You know, we tried something different last time we did our
0:48
Mr. Hanky special. If you haven't listened to our Mr. Hanky
0:50
special for the year, go back, listen to the last
0:53
episode. It was an interesting time. You know,
0:56
we're trying new stuff, trying this, uh,
0:58
this format of
1:02
the watch along. We'll see if you like the watch along. Let me
1:04
know, maybe we'll do it again. But
1:08
there's a hustle and bustle this season, you know,
1:10
and I really feel like. I really feel like Privy
1:13
Christmas snuck up on us this year, and I
1:16
blame Thanksgiving for being so late. As of. As
1:19
of the point of this record, I still have not
1:21
decked the exterior halls. The inside, you
1:24
know, our inside halls are fully decked. I've
1:27
decked my halls so hard inside, but
1:30
outside they just. They. They remain but
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undecked. Um, um, part of that is. Is
1:36
just the hustle and bustle, and part of it has just been wet and
1:39
cold. It's not been opportune. And
1:42
so, um, um, we're trying to get into the holiday
1:45
season and celebrate. And here on
1:47
Privy for hour
1:50
celebration of Privy Christmas,
1:53
we always take a yearly look at Mr. Hanky's
1:56
exciting adventures in South Park. And as I
1:59
noted, we did that last time. You can go listen to that
2:01
episode. But the other thing that we like to
2:04
do every year is we like to take a. Take
2:07
a little pause and explore some
2:10
of the stranger Christmas traditions from
2:13
around the world. And while
2:16
there seems to be no shortage
2:19
of strange Christmas traditions,
2:23
uh,
2:26
we aren't necessarily concerned with
2:29
why people are decorating trees with spiders,
2:32
which is a thing, or why some cultures have
2:35
Christmas witches, which is also
2:37
real, or why in some cases,
2:40
Santa seems to have strange ne'er
2:43
doell counterparts. Uh, u. Here on
2:45
Privy, those are interesting. And those
2:48
perhaps are maybe their own show, maybe bonus
2:51
bonus episode. But here on m. Privy, we
2:54
are specifically concerned
2:57
with those. Those strange
3:00
Christmas traditions that are
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concerned with the bathroom or find
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themselves in many ways very bathroom
3:08
adjacent. These are the bathroom
3:10
adjacent Christmas traditions around the world.
3:13
And you know, the funny thing is here, you know what's
3:16
weird? You would
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think that the list of
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things that are both
3:24
a Christmas related and
3:27
b like deal directly
3:30
with the bathroom or poop would be an
3:33
incredibly short list.
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But as we've seen in years past and as we
3:38
are going to continue to see this year,
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it's not. You would hope that those
3:44
Venn diagram circles don't overlap, but it
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turns out they do in some pretty big
3:50
ways. In years past we've
3:53
discussed everything from little men who sneak into
3:56
the nativity scene to moon everyone
3:59
and take a dump behind the stable, to a
4:02
log that poops gifts looking at you, to d
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and all to people stashing
4:08
a, ah, Christmas fish in the bathtub and the
4:10
psychedelic qualities of reindeer urine.
4:14
We've been there and we've talked about so many
4:16
things here on privy
4:18
Christmas and I want to be,
4:21
I want to give you guys a little candid honesty here for a
4:24
second. Every year as privy Christmas rolls
4:27
around, I start to wonder am I going to find
4:30
it like is, is the
4:33
bathroom magicnna happen for this holiday
4:36
season? Am I going to be able to find the
4:39
weird bathroom related thing to talk
4:42
about? And,
4:44
and sometimes like
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I think maybe this year is the one where
4:51
we're going to have to come up with something else to do for the
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Christmas season. I mean, there's only so many stories
4:57
and so many myths and so many folk
5:00
tales that both deal with Christmas
5:03
and the bathroom. Right? Like that. How many? There's
5:06
only a few. Right,
5:08
Right guys? But I want
5:11
you to know that though one
5:14
day that might be in our future as a
5:17
part of our traditions on the show. I'm
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here to tell you that it is not this
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year. This year we
5:25
found another one. And this year we
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need to talk about the kiantt
5:30
zaros.
5:35
Maybe you are like me and you are
5:38
fully into your adulthood and you've never
5:41
heard the term, let alone the idea of
5:44
anything called a kiant zaro.
5:47
The way the kiant zara are
5:50
described, or I believe they're called kicant
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zaro. If there's more than one, it's one of those
5:55
fun fish. And fish are plural.
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Well, this is colicontzaros and colicont
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zaro. U uh, but the
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way these are described and the way their name depicts
6:06
them are two very different things.
6:10
The name colicant zaros is
6:12
somewhat debated in its origin and where it
6:15
comes from. One less believed theory is that
6:18
it comes from the Greek coloss
6:21
And centaus or
6:23
kentaus, meaning a beautiful
6:26
centaur. Based on this
6:28
description, you would think these would be some
6:31
handsome and beautiful four legged humanoid
6:33
creatures. And it make.
6:36
If a centaur is beautiful,
6:39
is it the horse part of the centaur that is
6:42
beautiful or is it the human part
6:45
also? Are there women centaurs?
6:48
I, I feel like every time I see any, like
6:51
Harry Potter or like Narnia, you always read
6:54
about male centaurs. Maybe the women centaurs are
6:57
called something else. I don't know.
7:00
There's, there's people out there just screaming
7:02
that I this idiot, you
7:05
fool. Um, but they're
7:08
described as beautiful centaurs. If this
7:11
is the meaning of collei Kent
7:13
Zaros, we
7:16
digress. But the origin of the name is
7:18
usually contested and it's usually
7:21
believed that it comes more from the
7:24
Turkish caraconallo.
7:27
This literally means black or
7:30
dark bloodsucker. What did
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he say? And as such, many
7:35
have even taken them to have a
7:38
werewolf or vampiric tendency.
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Now I promise listener,
7:44
I, uh, know I teased Christmas witches at the top of
7:47
the show. I promise we are not getting
7:50
ready to do Christmas vampires
7:53
or Christmas werewolves.
7:55
Although might not
7:58
be the worst idea for our festive
8:01
holiday season.
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Either way. The picture I have in my brain,
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whether it comes from Kicantaros the
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Greek or um, Carak
8:11
Conalos the Turkish,
8:14
the picture that I have in my brain
8:17
when I hear those words and the
8:19
definitions of those words and I begin to read about them
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and the ones others have put into art and drawings
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are nothing like a centaur of vampire.
8:29
Like both of those, both of those
8:32
translations, beautiful centaur
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or you know,
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black or dark bloodsuckr. As
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we begin to describe these creatures, you're going to
8:43
hear that neither of those descriptions is
8:46
fitting and we have strayed
8:49
far from the course if this is how we want to portray
8:52
them. The thing is,
8:55
what these things look like, what the
8:57
Kiontzaros look like is not
9:00
exactly agreed on. Primarily
9:02
because these creatures are part of
9:05
the solstice or Christmas season
9:09
celebrations and traditions throughout much
9:11
of Europe and Anatolia, also known as Asia
9:14
Minor, because they are, they are
9:17
a part of such a wide variety of
9:20
cultures, solstice traditions and myths and
9:22
folklore. The stories about
9:25
them and the descriptions of them and
9:28
the origins that that they
9:30
uh, derive from are going to
9:33
vary as, as often as the culture
9:36
varies. The appearance of the
9:39
colicant zaros differs and
9:42
varies between the Greeks that draw these
9:45
little holiday weirdos, showing them to have kind of
9:48
like animal parts, they have like hair and
9:51
horse legs and boeks and they're
9:54
honestly like kind of fawnish looking. They're
9:57
giving big Mr. Tumness vibes.
10:00
You know, I think, I think on the regular, I think if,
10:03
if you rolled up to me I think if you rolled up
10:06
to me on any given Wednesday or Thursday
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and you just rando found o me
10:13
you would find that I give
10:16
probably level two to level four
10:19
Mr. Tumness Vibes. I
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aspire to give people Mr. Tumness
10:25
Vibhes. I think, I
10:27
think Mr. Tumness VibES is something we all ought to shoot
10:30
for in 2025. There's Mr. There
10:33
a person. There's what I want to say. A
10:36
person could do much worse than Mr.
10:39
Tumness. I'm just going to say it.
10:42
And to. To be giving off
10:45
the Mr. Tumness whole
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justtick like oh
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look, I'm a pranciful little goat man
10:53
that lives in the lives in the rocks. Like it's not
10:56
the worst thing. It's better than the like casually
10:58
homeless sititch that I usually got going on. You know
11:01
what I'm saying? But yeah, big Mr. Tumness
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going on here. Maybe that's what Mr. Tumness really is
11:07
mil. Maybe the Narnia story
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does take place around Christmas. Maybe Mr. Tumas was
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a colleague on Zaros
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fan theory M
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Some cultures depict the Ki
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Kzaros as huge
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towering monsters. Others depict
11:30
them as small, tiny little impish
11:33
creatures that sneak into your home.
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Some say that they are really
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just small humans and are
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depicted as such and are usually depicted
11:44
as being primarily male.
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Others say that the Colleic k Zaros
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are. Have. Have body parts that are
11:53
normal size and others that are
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misproportioned to the rest of the body.
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You know, you got little douggie collie kzaros. He's
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just. He. He's totally normal
12:04
except for he's got like a rat size body and
12:07
like a machamp from Pokemon
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sized arm and it's right where his tail is.
12:12
He's got a flippin muscle arm. Just
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scorpion out his buttsole.
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But butole don't. Not the
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butthole. It's the tail. I don't know. The tail doesn't come
12:23
out this tail come out the butole. How
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related is the tail to the butthole? It's for another
12:29
day.
12:32
Others depict the Ki k Zaros as
12:35
small black demon looking humans
12:37
with with long tails. In
12:40
many stories they vermin. They
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stink, they smell real bad, they're
12:45
blind and they are said to spend
12:48
their days sitting underneath the earth.
12:52
Now, I want to note the primary sources
12:55
and the primary tales about the
12:57
Colicontzaros come to us from Greek
13:00
folklore. And in these stories,
13:04
the Greeks believe that the Colleic kzaros
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live underground where they spend their
13:09
days, day in and day out,
13:12
sawing on the trunk of the world's tree that holds
13:15
the earth in place. They're
13:18
chaotic. They want to destroy the earth. You know,
13:21
classic Greek earth goblins. And to do
13:24
so they spend
13:26
353
13:29
days of the year saw on a big old
13:31
tree. We gotta grip rip this guy.
13:34
Ca chica. Oh, that was a good
13:37
one. Felt that one. You know,
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maybe if we. I'm back. I'm
13:43
back to the orange vanilla. You know, maybe if we just gave
13:46
all the cai k zaros in the world just, just a, uh,
13:48
just an orange vanilla polar seltzer. Maybe they chill out
13:51
on the world's tree. Really. Just, just,
13:54
just muffin. The world's tree.
14:01
Y all remember the. Y'all remember the 12 days of
14:03
Christmas? Well, it turns
14:06
out that those days are a bit sinister than we thought.
14:09
And to really, to really
14:12
appreciate the heart of the Collei
14:14
Kzaros, we have to know a
14:17
little bit about the 12 Days of Christmas. The
14:20
12 Days of Christmas is a song about gift giving
14:23
in the 12 days of Christmas extends
14:26
from Christmas Day December
14:28
25th all the way to
14:31
January 6th. I
14:34
know, spooky, right? For
14:37
those who are or it
14:40
runs from the birth of Jesus Christ to the
14:43
epiphany of the Three Kings Day on
14:45
January 6th. And, uh, what I want to say is
14:48
for all of those people that are triggered that
14:51
my tree is still up in January,
14:54
I want you to hear this. Take
14:57
that. The 12 Days of
14:59
Christmas run December 25th to
15:02
January 6th. It is totally acceptable to have your
15:05
Christmas tree up in January.
15:08
Now, did I have my Christmas
15:11
tree up in November? Yes, of
15:13
course. Did I have my
15:16
Christmas tree up before Thanksgiving this year? Yes,
15:19
of course. Was it
15:22
because Thanksgiving was so late this year? Absolutely not. I would have.
15:25
Anyway, so let the
15:28
record show I'm not. I'm not sitting here hiding it.
15:31
It is totally acceptable and I would argue
15:34
ought to be normal to have your festive
15:37
holiday Christmas tree up for at least
15:40
two months. Should be normal. Enjoy it.
15:43
Now I got. Now I got a Christmas fake. And I know all the people out
15:46
there, they're going to be like, oh, you need to have a real tree. It's not a
15:49
real Christmas tree. Well, here I have a couple of things to say to you.
15:51
Saving Money not lighting my house on fire.
15:54
My allergies are a little bit better. So I uh,
15:57
got, I got a Christmas fake. It's great, it's
16:00
pre lit. I plug and play and everybody's happy.
16:03
It's all good. And, and it can be up for two months. I don't have
16:06
to buy a replacement tree halfway through. But these 12
16:09
days of Christmas in the song
16:13
the days are kept alive through gift giving and
16:16
singing and uh, see the Grinch'note on this.
16:19
But the 12 Days of Christmas
16:23
are uh, uh, I mean really you're getting a bunch of
16:26
strange gifts like truly they're wild. But these
16:29
12 days of Christmas are the days
16:32
where the Cayont Zaros are
16:35
allowed to come up from out of the
16:37
earth's depths to wreak
16:40
havoc on the people up topside.
16:44
Nothing says Merry Christmas or Joyous
16:46
Festivus or a whatever holiday like
16:49
a bottom dwelling Greek hobgoblin coming to the
16:52
earth's surface to a real tricky surprise
16:55
on you. And
16:58
this happens on Christmas day. Usually
17:00
right after they've spent all year trying to saw through the
17:03
trunk of the earth tree. They're allowed to come
17:06
top side and as a result step away from their
17:09
work for a little time. Take a little rest. The
17:11
Kiontzaros have earned a rest. They've been trying to
17:14
destroy the world for 353 days and they
17:17
get 12 days off. Dang it. And they're going toa use
17:20
them while on the earth. We
17:22
really get to the heart of why we need to talk
17:25
about these dudes in the show. Much
17:28
like jolly old St. Nick. I'm sure he isn't
17:31
mad at me anymore. Like Santa and I are good now,
17:34
right? We, we had a real good talk.
17:37
Santa and I had a good chat a couple years ago and Mrs.
17:39
Claus, you know, she set the record straight on a lot
17:42
of things last year it was good. It was good
17:45
and things are going great up north. And the
17:48
Goblins sneaked their way into a home
17:51
after, you know, on Christmas day
17:54
through open windows, doors
17:58
or in some cases sneaking down
18:00
chimneys. The real question, not uh,
18:03
is not worth thinking about is who
18:06
did it first? Like
18:09
who was the first one to slide their
18:12
backside down somebody's chimney? You know what I'm saying?
18:15
That'that what the kids are calling it these days. But
18:17
who? It's not as important to worry about
18:21
if the Collei Kzaros did it first or if Santa did it
18:23
first. Really what we ought to be to be
18:26
wondering is who does it better
18:29
and Then if they can find a way into your home,
18:32
the Colleic co zoros are going to pull all sorts of
18:34
nasty tricks on you. Some are
18:37
simple things like getting into the sweets,
18:40
snacking down all my Oreos and dogging down my ice
18:43
creams. Little runts, little pieces of
18:46
mother. Oh, I. If I
18:48
catch a colic k zaros just elbow deep in a
18:51
bag of. A bag of any of my checks or checks or
18:54
goodies'm I'mnna feed them
18:57
to my dog. Like
19:00
my dog's dumb and she won't eat them. But I'BUT I will
19:03
attempt it. I will attempt it.
19:06
They sneak down the chimney and eat my sweets. But yeah,
19:09
Santa's the problem. They'll get into all sorts of
19:12
mischief. They steal things, they'll move stuff. They'll
19:15
just. If they'll move your keys, they'll just grab your
19:17
keys and take them from one area to another and
19:20
just hide them. Just pure chaos so you
19:23
can't find stuff. Some
19:26
reports say that the Collei Kzaros will
19:28
quote, just lie. And if
19:31
they're lying to you, that would presume that you
19:34
are interacting and interfacing with these strange
19:37
folklori mythical creatures.
19:40
Some reports again say they're, they're lying. Other
19:43
reports have them tormenting you,
19:46
serving you, you know, like stuff that
19:49
is just tormenting to the soul. Like
19:52
serving you tea instead of coffee or giving you
19:55
a brown sugar cinnamon pop tart when you asked for
19:58
mixed berry or strawberry. We'like
20:02
taking the tep off the roller and setting it
20:04
just out of arms reach on, um, the floor.
20:07
Taking the bathroom. Oh,
20:10
oh, you know the Collicont Zaros are going to yank the
20:13
bathroom mat anywhere in the months of November,
20:16
December, January or February. Here's the
20:18
deal. And I know, and I know I, I know I got
20:21
a little bit on this last week, but
20:24
in the months of November to February, there
20:27
must be a bath mat below the,
20:30
below, below the toilet. There must be.
20:33
You have to keep the dogs warm. If you get up in
20:36
the middle of the night and to shotgun splatter the
20:38
buwl, you got to keep the dogs warm.
20:41
Torment. The term, oh, the Collicont Zaros are going to
20:44
torment me. That that idea seems a little too
20:47
vague. But none of that, none
20:50
of those reasons are why we're here. What puts these
20:53
Christmas goblins as, as the
20:56
star of our episode is some of the antics they get up to
20:59
are very bathroom related.
21:03
One of the call. One of the reports tells
21:05
of the Collic k Zaros quote, peeing into
21:08
your drinks and urinating into your
21:11
holiday cooking.
21:14
So that sucks. You know, if I walk
21:17
in the kitchen and I got a little hobgoblin, just it's
21:20
got his we wiener out peeing into my soup,
21:23
I'm gonna be very upset. And that's just the
21:26
start. Imagine if you will put, put
21:29
on your imaginary think little thinker cap
21:31
here instead of Santa, jolly old
21:34
St. Nick on Christmas day. And for 12 days
21:36
following, you had a small impish
21:39
goblin sneaking in, takes a fat leak in your Christmas
21:42
stew or whatever you got brewing.
21:45
Where did this come from? Like
21:48
who sat down and saidmm m. Oh. Oh yeah.
21:51
And they steal your keys. Oh, that's good. Oh, and sometimes
21:54
they'll lie to you. Oh, that's great. Oh, and I know, let's
21:57
have them take a fat wee right into the
22:00
Christmas dinner.
22:04
No, no, Dave.
22:08
For, for goodness sake, Dave.
22:11
Every time we pitch a new folklore idea, they
22:14
don't have to pee something, you know, they don't have to
22:17
peer poop. It's fine. Like,
22:21
like was people's bakes and sweets randomly
22:23
coming smelling out like you'reine mid Christmas.
22:27
And they're like, uh, oh, I don't know what happened. It really
22:29
smells like pee. Like my fruitcake really
22:32
smells like somebody team rocket blasted off a fat urine
22:35
stream into it. I. I bet it was. Oh,
22:38
oh gosh. I bet it was those
22:41
rascally Cali Cant Zaro. Right guys?
22:44
Yeah, I, I don't suck at
22:47
baking. It's probably those guys, right guys? You
22:50
guys seen them? You've heard that? That's. This
22:53
is the least of it. Much like
22:56
Santa depositing a lump of coal into a bad kid
22:58
stocking. Which nowadays that could be worth
23:01
something. First of all, that colal could be worth something. But
23:06
these guys, the Collei Kzaro,
23:09
are just dropping a fatty in the sack.
23:11
Fatty in the sack. Tmtmtmtm
23:14
Name of m. Name of me every time I go camping. Fatty
23:17
in the sack. Uh, and I know I've joked a few
23:20
times about Santa leaving a little special brown
23:23
bag deluxe in the bad kids stockings,
23:26
but it's a joke. Like
23:29
Santa, if you're listening, and I know you're listening,
23:32
it's literally in the song.
23:35
He hears you when you are sleeping. You
23:38
know what? Actually Santa, can you chill the frick out? I don't
23:41
want you to hearing me when I sleeping. First of all, I know I fart.
23:44
Second of all, uh, I mouth breathed. So like don't listen
23:47
to that like and don't look at me.
23:50
Don't look at me, Santa. You sick freak.
23:53
I'm Santa. I'm sorry. You''a very nice
23:55
man. Your wife's nicer, but
23:58
you're a very nice man.
24:02
But, like, don't poop in the bad kids
24:05
stockings. Even though
24:08
the bad kids don't respect their parents and
24:11
they have vape at school and they call their
24:14
teacher the F word, don't poop in
24:16
their stockings. Like, I know that it would
24:19
be totally warranted and it would make
24:22
perfect sense to drop the fattest stack
24:25
in the bad kids stockings. Like, and I
24:28
know that if a person did that, they would be totally
24:31
justified. They would be celebrated.
24:34
But even though it is it
24:36
in all senses of the idea, all the bad
24:39
kids having fat turds
24:42
dumped into their stockings. Sounds good.
24:45
We should not do it. So,
24:48
yeah,
24:52
Santa, leave the stocking
24:54
stuffing to the Greek Christmas
24:57
goblins. This is truly
24:59
deviant. They pop up, they ruin your food,
25:02
they defecate all of your Christmas cheer and make the place
25:05
smell weird. What? What a bunch of
25:09
jerks. Should be noted,
25:12
there's a number different types of ki
25:14
kzaro. 1. The
25:16
catachnas can't stop eating. They just, they're
25:19
just pac man gobblin up all your food. They
25:22
can't get enough eats anything in sight.
25:25
And they stink while they do it. It's like they eat and they're
25:28
farting while they do it. The Mearas have a
25:31
big fat drum like belly that leaves terrible filthy
25:34
smells all over people's food. They're just ripping
25:36
ham. They're just fully passing beef
25:39
all over your food. You heard a pink eye. If
25:42
these guys got a hold of your pillows, you have pink eye for sure.
25:44
100%. The
25:46
mantraucose the chief. Stocky, short
25:49
leg, clumsy, ugly and dangerous to no one.
25:52
He hides away all day and night and goes out and
25:55
teases women. It's kind of a. He's kind of a
25:58
pig, you know, it's kind of a man ho.
26:01
You know, like he's, he needs to chill out. He's take a
26:04
cold shower, a little polar plunge, chill him out.
26:06
Next is the KSA Mecedes. These are all
26:09
types of ki k zaro, by the way. Um,
26:12
cops. Co cops. Some mecedes is
26:15
like a lame hunchback with the weakness for pancakes and honey.
26:18
This sounds like my type of dude. Like,
26:21
just describe me in my mid-60s hunchback with a
26:24
mean, uh, desire for pancakes and
26:27
honey. Heck, I'm halfway there
26:29
now. Sign me up. This guy and I
26:32
could hang if this guy wants to come on over.
26:36
Pancakes and honey. Worst case
26:39
scenario, I gotta make extra the
26:42
malipera. If housewives forget to make sure
26:45
lids are on pans, the Malapura will grab that
26:47
chance to urinate all over what's cooking. So cover your
26:50
cooking, ladies. Men. But it says
26:53
waies. It says housewives.
26:56
Call of Volnus is a long as
26:59
is quoted as being as quote uh, along as
27:02
a string of macaroni. He has a tail that ends in an
27:05
arrow and can pass through keyholes, sievess
27:08
and colander holds. He is extremely agile and
27:10
fast in his movements.
27:13
Pioritus has a long soft nose like an
27:16
elephant. He shows up shortly before the rooster growows and has
27:19
a talent of mimicking people's voices. He's over here
27:22
just doing impressions at 3am Just. Just
27:25
an absolute annoying son of a gun.
27:27
Catsipeds or Meg or
27:30
Megas Calicnaros is a goat foot.
27:33
Goat foot and he's the boss. He's vicious,
27:36
miserable, rude, lazy and bald with goat legs. Not a
27:39
pretty picture. He is the one that people
27:42
picture when they think of Kic k zzar. One
27:45
of them looks like a big old frog. One of them
27:48
has weird like bottom teeth
27:51
that hang over his lips. He likes to make fun of
27:54
priests, so that's kind of fun. And these
27:56
delineations seems kind of
27:58
senseless and more just like their variance
28:01
on the same thing. But yeah, the two
28:04
to watch out for. The ones that are peeping or
28:07
peeping, there's a peeper in there, you know what I'm saying? But
28:10
the ones that are peeing and pooping all over your food, maybe the one that's going to
28:13
fart in your cheerio is like you don't want him around. You keep him in
28:16
here. The good news though
28:19
is the Collei Kzaros, they only
28:22
wr wreckak this Havoc for the 12 days of
28:24
Christmas. That is because on
28:27
January 6th they are forced via
28:30
the sunlight somehow to return to the
28:33
center of the earth where they will have to start anew. Um, on
28:36
sawing down the wood world tree.
28:38
And spoiler alert. In those 12 days off,
28:41
the world tree has repaired itself and it's back to
28:44
normal. That's good,
28:47
I suppose. 12 days of stinky Christmas is a
28:50
small pie to pay to save the world.
28:53
But just as these little little fart goblins
28:56
exist in myth, as with all unwanted mythical
28:58
and folklore creatures, there's always a way to
29:01
ward them off and keep them at bay.
29:06
This year, if you're worried about the Ki
29:09
kzaros. Taking a fat deuce in your stocking or
29:12
farting all over your breakfast cereal.
29:15
Here's some ways to keep them away from your
29:17
home. The first is you can set a
29:20
colander on your doorstep. Pretty smart, right?
29:23
The reason that you want to set a colander on your
29:26
doorstep is not so you don't look like a crazed mushroom
29:29
smoking lunatic. It's because the
29:32
goblins you see the kicant zaros, they
29:34
can't count past the number two.
29:37
And so when they see the colander, how many holes
29:40
does a colander have? 1.
29:43
2. Oh sweet lord and heaven. What
29:46
do I do? I've hit a number that I can't utter.
29:49
It should be noted. It's not that the Collei Kant
29:52
zaros don't understand the concept of a number
29:55
past 2. They understand that the numbers go past
29:58
2 rather, because the number 3
30:01
is viewed as holy. They believe that to
30:04
utter the number would be to doom
30:07
themselves to destruction. So
30:09
yeah, colanders are a big line of defense. Here
30:14
you can paint a black cross on your doorstep. Though I
30:17
doubt this is part of the Greek culture. Maybe part of the
30:20
later Christianized or maybe Greek Orthodox defense against
30:23
these little little crap goblins.
30:25
Burning a smelly shoe in the fire or burning something
30:28
stinky in your fire pit to keep them from coming
30:31
in. This method is noted ties these creature
30:34
creatures to the later idea, uh, of the
30:37
Norse yule and yule log and yule
30:40
tide. They don't like the sun and run
30:43
away and hide when it comes out. Seems pretty easy
30:46
to defeat. Like keep your stews
30:48
covered and check your
30:51
stalking before you just go elbow deep into it.
30:54
How do they count past two to stay above
30:57
ground for the 12 days of Christmas?
31:00
Maybe it's a movement of the sun thing. Kind of how my dog
31:03
knows it's Sunday even though she can't
31:06
count. It should also be noted
31:09
many cultures have a variant of these goblins.
31:12
In Serbian folklre they're called the
31:14
caraconza where it'll jump on the back of
31:17
citizens walking in the dark on the 12 days of Christmas
31:20
and hitch a ride to wherever the person's going to
31:22
go. They do not treat
31:25
adulterers well either. They do not like
31:28
adulterers. In Bulgaria, they are more demonic
31:31
and seem to come out any time of the year. As such, they have
31:34
customs called the kuer to scare them
31:37
away. In Albania, these
31:40
are undead zombie
31:42
goblins, zomlins who move
31:45
about in January and clang about in iron
31:48
chains. To me this is
31:51
a sounding A lot like the Ghost of Christmas
31:53
past, you know, in the
31:56
thing. Oh, and by the way,
31:59
if your kid was born on one of those
32:02
12 days, uh, the 12 days of Christmas, or if
32:05
your kid was born on Saturday, they could
32:07
possibly become a Collei Consaros.
32:10
Born on Saturday. I've been making that
32:13
joke for a while, and it turns out has some
32:16
standing in this culture. These 12 Days
32:19
of Christmas perhaps would
32:22
be better off as the 12
32:25
days of Kiantzaros.
32:29
On the 12th day of creepy
32:32
Goblin Christmas, my enemies
32:34
gave to me 12 courts
32:37
of peup, 11 months of sawing,
32:40
10 stinky goblins, nine
32:42
origin stories, eight hours of darkness,
32:45
seven honey pancake, six stolen candies,
32:48
five stalking turds,
32:52
four small black crosses, three scary
32:55
numbers, two stinky fire shoes, and, uh,
32:58
a callander on my
33:01
doorstep.
33:06
Just a thought. Maybe a regional variant,
33:11
but what's the connection?
33:13
Does how does this sneak into the
33:16
solstice in the Christmas culture? If only.
33:19
If only we had a
33:22
large man who was also
33:24
proficient at sneaking into people's houses,
33:27
who also liked to leave things behind,
33:30
who could give the Ki Kant Zaroy a, uh,
33:32
purpose and maybe give them a means by which
33:35
they can do good, such as making toys
33:38
or taking care of the reindeer. And
33:41
he could give them a place to live where there
33:44
is less sun, maybe one of the,
33:47
you know, poles of the earth
33:50
somewhere. And perhaps
33:53
while they're there, they could live under an ice
33:56
cave or wherever the elves live. I, uh,
33:59
mean Collei Kant Zaro. Did I say that out loud?
34:03
Next time you set up your elf on a shelf, think about it being
34:06
a goblin on a noblin. You know what I'm saying? There's nothing
34:09
great that rhymes with goblin. I shot
34:12
my shot. We do it. We do all sorts of things here,
34:16
but with this theory in mind are the elves.
34:20
Do the idea of Christmas elves
34:22
possibly have some ties to
34:25
the Colecont Zarro? The
34:28
Greek Turd Goblins
34:31
of Greek Christmas.
34:36
That'll bring us to the end of another episode of Privy. Thank
34:38
you guys so much for being here as always. Don't forget to
34:41
leave us a rating or review. The five star options are pre. You can leave
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that review on Apple podcasts or Spotify podcast
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for every rating and review you leave. Will donate some money to the Wounded
34:50
warriors and Living Water International as a
34:53
reminder to keep pooping in the free world. This free world
34:56
was not always free. And there are parts of our
34:59
world who have less access to clean water than we do.
35:02
As a reminder to pursue cleaner water for all
35:05
you can send us an email privycastmail.com follow
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us on social media @privycast. On all
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social media, you can follow me. I'm at Al at 7.
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Bowls. Uh, send us episode suggestions, comments,
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feedback'concern if you want to be a part of the show,
35:26
if you have something you want to pitch, if you want to. If you have
35:29
your own podcast and you want to like, do a little tradesy
35:31
Swapsy, I would love to have you on Privy.
35:35
Shoot me an email
35:35
privycastmail.com we'd love
35:38
to hear from you. This brings us to the end
35:41
of another episode of Privy. Thanks to Kevin and Poddington
35:44
and all the other places that we got our cool sound effects and
35:47
intro and outro songs. You can check them out in the Ding
35:50
Dong below. Go look at those. Thank you all
35:53
for being here. Keep pooping in the free world. Own
35:56
your stank, wash your butthol. And uh, now
35:59
as always, don't forget
36:02
to flash.