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Rabbi Moshe Haber Path of the Just- The Character of True Independence 7.9.25 · Rabbi Moshe Haber - Daily Mussar/Weekly Perasha

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  In the 8th, I'm going to skip just this chapter for now.
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  I'll get back to it and we'll stop in 279.
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  So the idea over here is he's emphasizing to a strong degree,
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  but there's a concept of pretty shoot.
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  Pretty shoot is a very serious word.
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  It seems heavy and it means holding back where a person has
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  things that are fully legal totally mutard Halakha allows
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  them completely and he still says there's a great strength
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  and abstaining. Let's say for example, when it
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  comes to luxuries, we try to figure out where's the line?
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  We have no idea where the line is, but somewhere smoothies the
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  line exactly. Smoothie for breakfast is the
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  line, but somewhere there's a line.
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  And the old Messiah shame says that there are a lot of
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  positives in figuring out how to limit ourselves one way or
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  another. You know, we know the classic
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  example and people will eat there's something called a ton
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  out there, the fast of their life and that is they will leave
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  a little food on the side of his plate, which we normally would
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  say is wasting. You should eat everything.
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  How can you waste? He had a concept to control
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  yourself and leave a little bit. That was his idea.
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  So it's a similar concept. So let's see another example he
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  brings. We have to see the positives and
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  the benefits of this idea. How Mabu Shim about kiss your
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  team. Mabu Shim are clothing.
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  I kiss your team are basically jewelry.
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  The trial does not say anywhere you can't wear nice clothing.
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  No, it doesn't say that you can't wear designer stuff.
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  Lawyers here out without audio Fiam or I'll tell me Tom.
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  There's no discussion or limitation on how beautiful it
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  can be on how you know you know ornate.
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  It can be no problem. The only law we have is don't
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  wear shinez elsiyevam climb VMC seat Vaz kulam mutarin.
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  Thank you. Now here's a question for you.
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  Do we see any sort of positive in limiting our involvement in
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  luxury clothing? He's doing it with mushem shaman
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  like. Reading the Shaman, How do you
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  have the shaman designer clothing?
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  Serve Hashem. OK, so there's anything wrong
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  with a guy who says I really like designer clothing and
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  that's it to an extreme? He's very intimate.
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  You could tell the guy he's wearing a new suit every week.
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  It seems like he's got everything matched with tea if
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  very out style. Let's.
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  Not include Shabbat. We'll see.
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  Shabbat. He's supposed to.
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  Well, see that even that might be limited.
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  The question is, is there? Huh.
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  I see he's paid too. He has his job.
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  It's something else. Is there a downside to being
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  overly invaluable? Guy can afford it.
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  Nothing wrong. There's no issue there.
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  He's a nice person. Not doing anything wrong.
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  Any downside. So he brings a surprising
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  concept, Omnam. He says there's really nothing
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  wrong. According to Aloha.
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  Again, we're the only one in the area that's above Aloha MI
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  loyeda. Doesn't anyone realize Shambhali
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  shot tap EI adikma? When a person wears fine
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  clothing, number one, it creates more arrogance, timasheh gava
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  and also at least a more immorality.
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  That's a surprising concept, being very defined.
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  Clothing creates arrogance. When a person thinks he's
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  walking around, you think about it.
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  People are very busy with how they look.
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  People are busy their appearance when they're wearing the very
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  time. Again, we're talking about
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  extremes over here, very sharp clothing.
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  In a sense, it means he's more conscious of his own personal
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  appearance and existence and that translates into be more
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  obsessed with yourself and therefore the degree of
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  arrogance. Does this translate into the
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  real world is the question. Do you notice this today?
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  You could say that was a Ferrari if.
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  You you could same idea exactly if a guy is busy.
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  I mean, I love the mindset. People think that they chilled,
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  they don't care. People.
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  People sometimes have a display, they're wearing something funny,
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  it's very loud and they're trying to show it.
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  They don't care what people think.
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  There's nobody who cares more what people think than the guy
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  who's trying to be loud and trying to make it like he's not
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  conscious. He's very conscious.
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  He's not looking. He's not looking at the people.
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  He's trying to make it like he doesn't care, but he's very
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  conscious. Saying it's true with very sharp
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  cause someone's very busy. Now.
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  How do you draw the line? We all like nice clothing, we
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  all like nice cars. The idea is if you see yourself
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  being overly obsessive and there's a level of arrogance
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  that might come out, that's number one.
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  Mavad aside from, and these all seem to be extreme points and
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  you have to translate them into real world hakina bahtava tha
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  orshik. There are issues of jealousy
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  that can come about other people.
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  There are issues of desire that can come from this, which means
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  sin and there's people cheating just to have shop stop.
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  Her name Shahim Mikomasu Yakar a la Adam Lasigo.
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  If you're very busy with designer stuff or very busy with
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  shop cars right now, we can afford it.
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  Sometimes we can't, he says. If we're obsessed with it, it
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  becomes our thing. Rabbi say that the IT said off
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  finds what we like and it continues to hop on it and the
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  IT said off tries to own us in these areas.
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  So the more a person becomes indulgent in these concepts, the
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  more he becomes reliant, the more becomes busy with it and
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  the more he develops funny character.
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  I think this is a surprising concept that our character is
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  influenced from our business and our appearance and our well we
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  do it are dependent on the car we drive sounds.
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  Like it's not. It makes sense.
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  Why when the guys. I guess it's a Ferrari or he's
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  wearing something very expensive.
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  It's, you know, he's going to have a little arrogance.
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  He's walking in with a certain air.
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  You feel like 1,000,000 bucks. Right, exactly.
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  So this is an idea and therefore he's telling us there's nothing
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  wrong with having a super sharp car, nothing at all wrong or
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  building ugly little beautiful home.
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  But be ready for the mindset to be tested.
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  Be ready for the fact that you are now going to be more
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  conscious what people say. We all know we live in this
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  community, We've been saying this, we live in this community
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  and we all like luxuries, especially in this community.
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  We all do, and we all like having sharp things.
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  But beware of the mind caring of what others have to say because
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  the translation is this. The more my mind is conscious of
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  what others say, the more I'm busy with my own public
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  appearance and the more I become automatically I carry myself
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  according to what I want to be looked at.
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  This is how it works. This is how we act.
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  So he's telling you control it. Find a way to tell yourself, I
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  really don't care whatever it may be, if it's the car or the
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  appearance or the whatever it is.
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  Sounds like he's against social media.
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  Well, social media is all about this, OK?
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  So as long as you really don't care what people think, then
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  it's OK to have the $2000 suit and it's OK to have the $100,000
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  car because you're just doing because you want to do it.
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  Because you can't wait. No, but it also makes you
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  arrogant. Is this such a thing?
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  That's what he sees me saying, because is this such a thing
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  because someone be honest with themselves?
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  Someone told me there's a car. I don't know if it's true.
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  There's a car that's not so nice.
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  None of us have no, that was forget disgusting.
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  I can't believe we'll drive that, and it's wild, but oh.
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  He calls it the refrigerator on Wheel.
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  It's unbelievable to me that truck is it is a is a a lesson
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  and how one guy can get one thing so right and another thing
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  is so awfully wrong. That's that I tried first thing,
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  but the other thing is a boxy Mercedes.
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  I know it's happening. OK.
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  It's almost extremely expensive and I don't see that.
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  I don't understand why it's not. It doesn't have a lot to it.
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  It doesn't have a great amount of size.
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  It doesn't have it has it looks similar to a Jeep, which is
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  look, you know, we know what it looks like.
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  So that's and someone says, if someone person claims I don't
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  care about my appearance, why in the world do you have that car?
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  What do you have? You have it because you like the
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  drive. So the idea, if you follow this
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  through, the idea of status, the idea of publicity, the thought
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  of what people have to say is really something that changes
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  who we are. And the more we get this out of
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  our system, well you you have to have an element.
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  It's interesting what you're saying.
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  Look at it in the Congress, you're saying, is that as long
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  as we don't care what people think, we're fine.
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  That much better will. Make $1,000,000 wedding and and
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  you don't care what people think you're making it 'cause you just
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  want to make it. So there's nothing wrong with
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  it. There's no gahaga there.
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  It's just I'm doing it and I don't care.
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  Or the same guy can make a $10,000 wedding and he says
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  yeah. So the issue is not him spending
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  the money. The issue is, is he doing it to
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  please others, Right. You're not.
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  You're doing it to please yourself.
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  Then you can weigh the $10,000 suit.
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  There's nothing wrong with it according.
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  To them, but also one of the. He's tied according to this
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  point. As of this point, there are
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  other issues that I'm going to lead to right now.
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  You're right. There's nothing wrong because
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  again, we're not dealing with anything to sin the zero sin
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  invol. Because you, you'll see, you'll
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  find young guys will find today as you get older, tanker, the
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  biggest thing you can accomplish is not caring what other people
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  think, right? OK, well, you're able to just do
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  what you think is right and they're not concerned with
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  everybody else. Most people never reach that
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  state, OK? It's a very, it's a great state
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  to say I'm doing what's right and I really don't care what
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  people think. And that's the point that I
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  think he's making. Very much his point.
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  Very. Much his point do it because you
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  think it's right. You know the Halaha, you know
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  what everything is going on, you do the right thing.
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  So that's I think the the real point of.
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  That 1000% two points is first of all, I don't know if it's
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  possible. I'm just as far as I don't want
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  to make $1,000,000 winning. I don't know if it's possible to
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  really be super out there with luxuries, make $1,000,000
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  wedding, have a very expensive car and not say that I'm doing
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  this because of people think it's hard to split that that
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  you're right. Technically speaking, he's
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  saying that now to the other, to the point what?
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  About the part making people feel bad that they, like you
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  said, you have to have a little sympathy for the people that I'm
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  like, don't shove it down their throat.
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  Right, all these luxuries and all these expenses that's the
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  least. Now there's there's only
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  negative that comes out of these things and there's no positive
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  in this idea of ruining character.
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  Let's fully develop how this happens.
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  How does it ruin our How does it make us arrogant?
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  How does me care what people think transcend arrogance
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  because very simple. If I care what they think, then
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  it's on my radar more how I appear, how I develop myself and
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  then I recognize myself as being either has eaten their eyes,
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  which is very depressing or impressive in their eyes.
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  I have two choices, being that I care what they think, I
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  therefore have to reflect on myself.
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  What am I, What do they say so they're seeing the good version
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  of me. I feel great about myself and
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  seeing the bad version of me. I feel tired about myself and
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  that transits into one of two things.
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  Extreme arrogance or achievement security.
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  Both are the worst when a person tells themselves I am busy with
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  my own self. I care about my family.
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  We all know what we've been saying this since the beginning,
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  he said. Probably been saying all the
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  time, whatever a person develops in their family, in this
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  community specifically and their family can say we're good, we're
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  good doing our own thing. We don't need to do exactly what
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  everyone does. Find one area.
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  I found funny thing, a lot of people who didn't come to deal
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  in the summer years ago, OK, Now it's not, it's very hard to do.
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  But a lot of people don't didn't come to deal in the summer years
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  ago, have the certain level of independence and they're not
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  exactly. Have you found this out
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  whereabouts or no? Definitely, yeah.
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  Why I don't come to the still now?
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  This year. First, oh wow, first year.
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  OK, that's fine. I know that actually I.
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  Could prefer. I came to deal for many years
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  when my kids were young and when my kids got married I said I had
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  enough of this place and I sold my house and I don't come back,
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  OK? I would come back, visit things
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  and we would travel. My wife and I didn't.
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  She didn't suffer terribly, OK? We would travel to Europe.
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  We would do things that, you know, just the two of us and the
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  pressure. What's the matter with you?
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  Do you need a loan? Everything OK?
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  Nobody could fathom the concept that you can afford to come, yet
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  you choose not to come. So yes, it's definitely
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  independence and it's a very, very difficult thing.
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  And now after what, 15 years, OK, 15 years of not coming.
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  My wife said this year we really shouldn't be travelling around
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  the world. Let's see if we can find an
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  opportunity to come to deal and we found the right situation and
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  we came. But to your point exactly, yes,
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  it's a special kind of a person that can be comfortable enough
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  with themselves and not yield to the pressure.
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  Because all I hear from my friends how miserable it is,
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  right? Traffic is terrible.
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  There's 42 people in a house. The kids are fighting all the
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  time. It's the worst place to be.
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  Why would you want to be here? Yet they pack them.
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  In the house. 30 people in the house, but it doesn't matter.
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  But they all have to be there. So in order for you to say no of
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  the strength, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's somebody has to
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  really be comfortable with themselves and understand
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  themselves to be and it's rare. Right, OK.
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  And at this point? Whoever's left.
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  It's really for yeah, having a hard time.
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  I feel bad, sorry. The over the years you got older
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  anyway. Well, more and more and more
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  now, with less and less and less and less and less. 100%.
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  But but yes, to that point it does.
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  You know you have another comfort for us.
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  For the ones. Who can't afford to be you feel
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  tired for them. I was dealing with someone what
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  it's your choice we. Can't afford that.
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  That's really tough. I was dealing with someone right
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  before, forget that, someone right before who basically
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  couldn't come and feel the way to get here, loans and these
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  things and he was, you see his face.
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  It was flat out torture. He's got to go back to the
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  white. No, no, long as a luxury.
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  No, I became. Yeah, the argument that I have
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  with my wife would I say back in the day people couldn't afford.
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  Then they stay in Brooklyn and like they there's still a camp
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  in Brooklyn the same. Time so when he sent the camp
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  man. Yeah, he more do.
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  It wasn't as much of embarrassment.
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  And she said you don't understand today.
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  It's not that way. Today.
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  It's like we used to argue years ago when you used to go to
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  tuition assistance. Yeah, cool.
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  And they used to say, well, you have a maid and if you had a
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  maid. Exactly that.
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  Wouldn't give you tuition. Is it today?
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  Could you imagine a family 5-6 kids not having a maid?
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  Is that a? Luxury, right?
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  No, it's not a lot of. Anymore, but back then they used
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  to say, oh, if you have a maid we can't get right.
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  It's the same audience with the summit thing, right?
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  So a person has to have this level of a certain degree of
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  comfort. The same is true when you have a
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  guy, you look at him, he's about to spend three $400,000 for a
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  wedding. Today's class.
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  Right, once he set the bar. Too high?
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  Yeah, We were saying you wouldn't be a kid, you wouldn't
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  have everyone. It's the issue with such a.
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  Much everybody's about to spend 300,000 dollars $400,000 for a
• 15:04
  wedding, right, $400,000 for a wedding.
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  You're looking at the guy you're saying one SEC no one in he
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  could just bite the bullet of not doing that and he doesn't
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  have to borrow doesn't have to go with the debt.
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  His kids could start off with a little extra cushion.
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  Have a great day, a little extra cushion, right They can.
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  Be great people that are making weddings soon and they priced
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  shut it see on the same wedding in Koliakov was half price right
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  but they're still. Doing shut it no shot.
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  I agree. And by the way, I'm told you
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  know, it's funny. I said if my child was getting
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  married and I got married, shit see on whatever and I'm you
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  know, especially if my kids getting married black cat don't
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  even care as much and still I think I would be you know, my
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  wife done the fence about this whole conversation.
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  It's a wild thing. You know, for example, I'll give
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  you an example. They exactly they opened up two
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  holes in Lakewood right now they have today, but I don't live in
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  Lakewood. It's gorgeous.
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  Though a beautiful hole a $13,000 all ink it sounds like a
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  joke. I would car ride to the wedding
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  coast 13,000 dollars 13,000 miles all in right build the
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  beautiful and recent to go black.
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  Exactly. Right, very low.
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  Right there and and the wealthy people put it behind it and it's
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  I'm incredible. And Brooklyn, they're very
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  similar. Actually Manhattan Beach is I
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  think the number is $23,000. OK, it's still nothing and was.
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  Not it was just a last week for a Black Hat wedding.
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  It was very nice. Manhattan Beach, Manhattan.
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  Beach right right so it's a beautiful wedding people used to
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  get married there from the community at Nice wedding
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  $20,000 and you can imagine a person rather.
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  Than giving them the money like put a down payment somewhere or.
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  Something right Help them. I know I'm for a person who is
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  marrying off the child and they needed assistance.
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  And the organization told him just go to Manhattan Beach,
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  we'll cover everything. Just go there.
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  They said we can't do it. We just can't do it and they're
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  not well off and no one thinks they're well off and they end up
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  getting handouts from all over to get a wedding and a regular
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  what purpose? But this is just a nonsense and
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  this I gave a great day. This is the mindset that we
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  have. So the idea is if a person can
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  get this out of this system, they can develop a character
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  that's beautiful as independent. That's who they are.
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  And we don't need to reflect sketch.
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  It's funny, you drive down the streets.
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  I drive down to all the time of the ground.
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  There are 1,000,000 beautiful homes.
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  Last I checked, there are not a million wealthy people.
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  So how do you explain this? We all know the explanation,
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  right? So that's a frustrating concept.
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  And we don't want our chosen to be like that at all.
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  We don't want ourselves to be like that.
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  Yeah. Go try and change.
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  I know I'm not trying to, but but person by person, if you
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  have your own independence, if you, we've discussed this so
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  many times, if you have your own independence, if you have your
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  own mindset, you have a beauty and a health.
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  Everyone wants to marry those people's daughters.
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  Everyone wants they chosen to be that way.
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  That's really how it works. All right, Because you're not
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  trying to keep up and I'm trying to sketch it.
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  You're not trying to drive yourself crazy, just being who
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  you are. That's the reality.
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  And we should all develop this love of independence.
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  So it's not all at all, but it is character.
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  Both. You have two choices.
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  If a guy is trying to keep up, they're either super arrogant
• 18:12
  because they feel good about themselves, right?
• 18:15
  Or the the opposite, extremely insecure because they feel bad
• 18:18
  about themselves. There's no one between.
• 18:19
  But if he moves out and he basically tells himself I'm not
• 18:23
  part of that, I have my own family and he has something
• 18:26
  else, he has neither of these. He doesn't have arrogance nor
• 18:29
  these have insecurity. He has confidence.
• 18:32
  If you back away from this and you're doing your own thing, you
• 18:34
  have a confidence. Your confidence is much more
• 18:37
  beautiful than that arrogance. And the conference is much more
• 18:40
  secure than insecurity. Your wife on the board.
• 18:42
  Step by step, too. Step by step.
• 18:44
  I told him. Right.
• 18:45
  It's step by step. If we do it, you have a beauty.
• 18:48
  I'll stop with the snake. Yeah.