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Navigating Preteen Needs: Essential Parenting Tips · Talking FACS

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  Welcome to Talking FACS, what you need to know about family,
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  food, finance, and fitness.
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  This nationally recognized, award-winning podcast is hosted by the University
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  of Kentucky Family and Consumer Sciences Extension Program.
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  Our educators share research knowledge with individuals, families,
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  and communities to improve quality of life.
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  Hello, and welcome to Talking FACS. We have information you can use to strengthen
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  your family, your community, and our state.
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  I am your host, Mindy McCulleyy, Extension Specialist for Instructional Support
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  with Family and Consumer Sciences Extension at the University of Kentucky.
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  We are housed in the Martin-Gatton College of Agriculture, Food, and Environment.
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  My guest today is Dr. David Weisenhorn, Extension Specialist for Parenting and Child Development.
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  And when we were talking briefly before we started recording,
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  he shared that our topic is what preteens need from their parents and that we've
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  got four points that we're going to hit on today, which is lots of fun to think
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  that there are only four things that preteens need.
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  Of course, we know there are lots more than that, but we've got four main points
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  that we're going to hit. So welcome, David. We're so glad that you're here.
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  Thank you, Mindy. It's always good to be here. And you're right, right?
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  When you think about what preteens need from the parents and you think,
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  well, that can be an exhaustive list, but today I'm just going to bring you
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  some four major aspects of what those are.
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  Yeah. So if we can boil it down to four main points to think about,
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  at least maybe it's not quite so overwhelming for those parents of preteens.
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  That's right. We need some place to start. And I think this is a good place for us.
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  But Maybe as we get going, just to define a little bit about,
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  what do I mean by preteen?
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  That could mean anything. David, is that anything up to 13?
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  It's not. It's typically those ages between nine and 12 years old.
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  And when you think about that stage in life and that adolescent period,
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  I just want to set the stage of what is happening.
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  This is a really sensitive time where children in this, they're undergoing a
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  lot of physical, emotional, and social development.
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  It's also a time when their identities are beginning to form, right?
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  This sense of self and self-worth are all forming and they're especially susceptible
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  at this time to social pressures and peer opinions and peer comparison.
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  And so there's a lot going on in that preteen mind.
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  Oh, and I am sure that in your house, because you have a young lady and a young
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  man, that you are noticing that there is definitely a difference in how the
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  genders respond to this period.
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  It is. You know, it's funny because I do. My daughter's 13. My son's 11.
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  So I'm really kind of in this stage in the parenting world.
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  And so some of this might be coming from some personal experience, but it really is.
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  Research-based and good stuff.
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  And yes, there is a difference. But although they respond differently,
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  I want to encourage parents that there really are some basics that we can do
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  when it comes to dealing with the differences.
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  And the first is just open communication.
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  Right. And that's generally across the board. We want to keep those lines open.
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  Whether your child is a girl or a boy, they need to have those open communication lines 24-7.
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  That's it. I mean, and having somebody that they can trust and having those
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  lines open and being able to communicate that well to your children.
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  And part of that is not blowing them up or shutting them down.
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  And some of the things that they want to discuss may seem to us as parents either
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  irrelevant or not important, or sometimes maybe not appropriate.
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  But being able to allow that space and to have them come in and talk.
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  I mean, you know, we're talking about puberty.
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  We're talking about, again, peer pressure. And so being able to have some understanding
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  and maybe children at this age,
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  most of the time don't have the words to communicate like adults or the experiences
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  to communicate like adults.
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  And that's going to be important because it's easy for us as adults,
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  to kind of have a way we expect those communications to go. I'm going to talk to you.
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  You're going to respond back. That doesn't always happen in these.
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  When I ask how your day is going, I'm expecting maybe, as I talk to my wife,
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  a full go-down of what the day is going in.
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  And at this age, we might get fine or okay.
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  Or a grunt. Yeah, exactly. Or a snarl.
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  And a walk past, and allowing that to just be okay at times.
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  Say, well, just know that I'm here, and continuing to ask, not necessarily pressing
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  in and forcing those conversations. Yeah.
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  I think that that, as a very gregarious person, was probably the hardest thing
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  as a parent for me to understand that I am not always going to have a two-way conversation.
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  And sometimes I will just be talking to the wall.
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  Yeah. Well, and I think it can be easy when you get grunt after grunt for maybe
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  five, six days straight, you know, that you just stop asking.
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  Yes. And that's the danger, I think, at times or to get frustrated and try and
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  force that conversation.
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  But one of the things I want to say to parents is just to, when you're establishing,
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  like, how do I have open communication if my children are grunting at me or
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  using one word responses?
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  And that's just having those daily conversations, trying that every day,
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  just making that a habit in your home to talk to them and then to share your own.
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  You know, my wife and I will sit at the dinner table and maybe my children don't
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  have much to say, but my wife and I will discuss our days.
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  We model, and that's that modeling aspect.
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  We model what we're talking about. When I ask about your day and my wife's able
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  to give me a really good perspective of how her day went and some of the struggles
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  she had and some of the wins she had,
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  really good modeling.
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  And that's what we want to set up. That's what we want to establish is that
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  repetitive nature of, I'm going to talk to you.
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  I'm going to ask you questions each day because I care about you. Right.
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  Right. And, you know, there will be a breakthrough at some point and they will,
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  you will find out that they are listening and, you know,
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  you have had an impact on them, whether or not they're going to tell you right now. Yes. It will.
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  And I think that kind of leads us into that second, a second point that I want
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  to, that I want to encourage parents with.
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  And that's that offering emotional support, like being able to provide that emotional support.
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  And this can be difficult, right? Because, you know, at this age,
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  maybe the feelings of they might begin to like someone outside of a friendship
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  and more of this exploratory,
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  I'm having a lot more feelings connected to who I like or who I don't like or who I want to date,
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  even if that word is allowed in your home or not.
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  So how do I do that? And acknowledging their struggles, no matter how small
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  they seem to adults, is really, really important.
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  I just think about my daughter, some of the things that she's struggling with
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  or dealing with rather right now
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  in school and just navigating those relationships and how I navigate them.
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  And then the feelings that come
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  along with some of those pitfalls of just learning relationships, right?
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  The ups and downs, the disappointments that get handed to you when someone mistreats
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  you and that person was thought to be of as a friend and a trusted ally.
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  And then they come back and they do something different.
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  It's easy for me as a parent to say, oh, get used to it. Or,
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  oh, that's going to happen. Or, oh, you're tough.
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  Instead of just hearing her out and allowing her to be upset because this is real.
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  And so it goes back to like, it doesn't matter how small they might seem to
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  me. They're big in her world.
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  Exactly. And she doesn't always need a solution. Sometimes she just needs an
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  ear and a hug. And that's hard for dad.
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  Yes, I know. I know. I think oftentimes my wife is similar.
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  She doesn't want a solution either, but I've got that. I've got a solution at the ready.
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  So having open communication, having that emotional support.
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  And then I would say the third thing is just making sure, again,
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  we're setting those clear boundaries. Okay. Yes.
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  Pre-teens benefit from clear and consistent rules. being able to have an expectation that they know.
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  And these should probably be, and it is kind of silly because at this point
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  in age, they're probably changing.
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  They're expanding a bit. Exactly, exactly.
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  And I know, I remember from when my children were in this stage,
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  not only is it good for them to be able to say, okay, I know what my rules are,
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  but sometimes it helps to be able to tell friends, I can't do that because those
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  aren't the rules in my home.
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  And so it kind of puts the onus on the parents and not on them. So,
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  It really is beneficial to be able to sometimes make the parent the bad guy.
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  Be the fall guy. Yeah. And be okay with that. You know, I think sometimes,
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  and I like what you said, because I think that alleviates some pressure sometimes from my children.
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  Instead of saying, I can't do that. You can simply say, my dad won't let me. Exactly.
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  You know, instead that way, it's outside of themselves. It's not saying,
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  I don't want to be a part of that, or I'm scared to do that.
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  Or it's like that my dad won't allow me to do it. My parents won't allow me to do that.
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  And so it's not just only setting an expectation, but it's also gives them an opportunity.
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  And I think this is important to state, it gives them an opportunity to learn
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  and develop that self-discipline.
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  You know, rules are early household rules are the first rules are laws,
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  if you will, with finger quotes that they get, you know?
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  And so it's a practicing of our social structures.
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  How are we going to do outside of there are there are rules,
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  there are rules in this life.
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  And so allowing them to to begin to discipline themselves, which oftentimes
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  means mistakes, messing up, missing curfew, right?
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  Not, you know, I didn't do my chore this week or whatever.
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  And so being able to have some boundaries and not flex on those,
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  really having some consequences, if you will, in place that allow them to build
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  that discipline. It's not easy.
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  We all know that as adults, it's hard to say self-discipline.
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  And so being able to teach children young, just like working out,
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  over time, they get stronger and better at that.
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  And self-discipline, as you know, can lead to so many successes or disappointments
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  in life. And that can be physical, that can be health-related,
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  that could be job-related, friendship, relationship-related.
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  There's so many aspects of being a disciplined person and how being well-disciplined
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  can benefit you through life.
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  And so having those clear boundaries really helps build that ability.
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  Yeah, I could not agree more because how that happened. And so did you,
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  Mindy, a question here, did you, did your children have say in some of those
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  boundaries? Oh, definitely.
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  So we had family meetings and we talked about these are the things that we can give some space on.
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  And these are things that are non-negotiables.
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  And so that really helped them.
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  Feel like they had some ownership of the rules that were in the house.
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  And the consequences of breaking their own rules were a lot bigger than the
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  consequences of breaking our rules.
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  And probably defined by them. I mean, I'm over here smiling and shaking my head. Absolutely.
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  And the reason I ask you that is because that's critical.
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  Parents, let your children have buy-in to those. Allow them to help create some
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  of those rules, especially because we're talking about preteens.
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  We're not talking about five and six-year-olds at some point,
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  but this is when we begin to flex those boundaries.
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  This is when that circle begins to get larger.
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  And for them to have input into what those boundaries are is exactly what you
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  stated. It creates that buy-in.
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  It says, okay, I can agree on that. And it goes back to just allowing them what
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  I want to talk about next is just giving them some of that independence,
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  beginning to giving them some of that, okay,
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  now here's your opportunity. I'm going to allow you to get the input.
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  And in that, it builds that independence in them. Definitely.
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  Definitely. And so that's the fourth one, encouraging independence.
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  Being able to help those children develop that sense of identity and autonomy. It's critical.
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  So gradual independence, I think that's the key is that we do that gradually in how we do.
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  And so we don't say, oh gosh, you've got your driver's license. Okay.
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  You've got keys to the kingdom. You don't ever have to come home again,
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  right? Yeah. Right. I see you when we see you.
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  And so I think that's part of it is like, well, when we grow that independence,
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  we're allowing them to make those age appropriate decisions and learn from those
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  experiences, AKA mistakes, right?
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  How are we going to learn? We're going to learn oftentimes, like most of us
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  learn, through messing up by falling down and building resilience and encouraging
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  them to get back up and go again.
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  And so, parents, we have to do that. We've got to allow them an opportunity
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  to fall down and to make a mistake so that they can learn from it.
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  There will be mistakes. And you have not failed as a parent when your children make mistakes.
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  And I think that's really important to reinforce for parents to realize that
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  when your children make mistakes they're not your mistakes they're their mistakes
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  and you have to let them own those mistakes.
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  And, you know, mistakes are just part of it, you know, and they will continue to be part of it.
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  So allowing children to make mistakes also simultaneously, I think,
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  also says without having to say it that, hey, we're okay with mistakes. Mistakes are okay here.
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  We are flawed people. We don't expect. We've made mistakes too.
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  That's right. And mistakes are not failure. And making sure that that is a communicated
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  piece to that too, is that, hey, when you mess up, that doesn't mean you're
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  bad or you're wrong or whatever.
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  It just means that you've got an opportunity to learn and go again.
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  And so trying to reframe that, I think that perspective in the home helps,
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  one, it'll help by encouraging that independence, and two,
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  it'll really help them build the necessary life skills that they need from those
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  experiences that are going to, from that new independence, that advancing ability
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  to do what they want to do.
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  And also having empathy, you know, because as you said, we are all human.
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  We've made mistakes too. So having empathy with them when they make their mistakes,
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  but that doesn't mean letting them off the hook. Exactly. Just to recap.
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  So we talked about the four things. What do we need to understand?
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  Just open communication, emotional support, trying to support them the best they can.
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  And no matter how small it might seem to you, it's important to them.
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  Setting clear boundaries, allowing them some input into that.
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  And then the last one is encouraging that independence, being able to allow
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  them the room to make a mistake and then the opportunity then to grow from that mistake. Yeah.
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  And David, might I add to recognizing how your child needs to be supported?
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  Because every child is different, as we have said on so many podcasts.
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  Every child's need for support comes in a different way. And so recognize what
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  that is and give the support that they need in the way that is going to benefit them the best.
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  And you mentioned it in the beginning, sometimes just the gender differences
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  can have different ways that they need that.
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  And so understanding, but oftentimes you can have two of the same gender and
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  they're very different children and their needs may also be different.
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  And so, yes, I love that you said that, Mindy. It is absolutely catered to your
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  child and you as the parent knows them better, certainly than I know them.
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  So being able to cater to your children is important.
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  David, thanks so much for taking the time to share with our listeners today
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  about this topic that is probably fraught with a little bit of anxiety for some of our parents,
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  but is so important to making sure that our children have a successful launch
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  into the preteen and teen world.
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  If you are just tuning in, you are listening to Talking FACS,
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