Latest / Life Changing Radio / Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right, Part 2

Transcript

Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - Right Relationships are Always More Important than Being Right, Part 2 · Life Changing Radio

0:11
Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
0:14
What's behind the conflict in your relationships?
0:18
Whether it's a co -worker, a spouse, one of your
0:20
kids, a friend. I mean, when things aren't going
0:24
right, what's at the core and how do you change
0:26
it? Stick around. That's today on Living on the
0:29
Edge. I'm Dave Drewy, and this is Living on the
0:33
Edge with Chip Ingram. We're nearing the end
0:36
of a series called Caring Enough to Connect,
0:38
Building Bridges to Those We Love. And today,
0:41
Chip opens the Bible to Colossians chapter 3
0:43
to unpack a principle that can diffuse almost
0:46
any conflict you're facing, whether it's with
0:48
a co -worker, a friend, or even your closest
0:51
family member. What he shares is as simple as
0:54
it is convicting, especially when someone has
0:56
genuinely wronged you and forgiveness feels like
0:59
the last thing you want to give. So let's join
1:02
Chip Ingram with his message titled, Right Relationships
1:05
Are Always More Important Than Being Right. My
1:09
principle for you all is that right relationships
1:12
are always more important than being right. And
1:17
my little disclaimer here, I'm not talking about
1:19
moral issues. I'm not talking about theological
1:22
issues. The issues are about your perspective,
1:26
your circumstances, your rights, your opinion
1:29
being the way versus the other person. So you
1:32
get that? Open, if you would, to Colossians chapter
1:35
three. There's a great context. I wanna give
1:37
a little running start to this one. And in verse
1:40
12, then he says, so then, put on a heart of
1:43
compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and
1:46
patience, bearing with one another and forgiving
1:49
each other whoever has a complaint against anyone.
1:52
That's pretty broad, isn't it? Just as the Lord
1:55
forgave you, so also should you. And beyond all
1:58
these things that I've listed, compassion, kindness,
2:01
humility, gentleness, patience, and bearing with
2:03
one another, put on love, which is the perfect
2:06
bond of unity. And what the Apostle Paul is saying
2:10
is, you know what? Right relationships really
2:13
do matter more than being right. But the only
2:17
way you can live that way is if you know you're
2:20
chosen by God. You are holy and you're dearly
2:23
loved. Now, out of... what you've already received.
2:27
Now he's going to talk very specifically about
2:30
how do you treat people? He says, put on a heart
2:33
of compassion. I'm going to put on a heart of
2:35
compassion and kindness. I'm going to put their
2:37
needs ahead of my own. And in this certain situation,
2:40
you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to allow
2:43
my rights to be under control to meet the need
2:46
of someone else. I'm going to be considerate.
2:50
And in case you didn't understand what he really
2:52
meant and how specific he wanted to be, after
2:55
the word patience, he says, bearing with one
2:59
another. And this is actually the faults and
3:01
idiosyncrasies of people. And then it goes beyond
3:04
that and says, forgiving each other, whoever
3:06
has a complaint against anyone. How would you
3:09
like to work at a place or how would you like
3:11
to be in a family where there was a commitment
3:13
by supernatural power that people said, you know
3:16
what? I'm going to put on a heart of compassion.
3:19
kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience.
3:23
And then, and notice honestly, then he says,
3:25
forgiving them. The word means to release, means
3:30
to let go. Notice the motivation. Just as God
3:35
has forgiven you. I think forgiveness is the
3:38
hardest thing to do in the Christian life. I
3:41
could be wrong. I mean, when you've really been
3:43
wounded, when it really is selfish, when it really
3:46
is unjust, when someone has really done something
3:49
bad to you, and what do you want? You want what
3:54
I want. I want justice, except for when it comes
3:58
to how I want God to deal with me, right? I mean,
4:01
she walked out on her husband. You know, they
4:03
took credit for that. They used our idea and
4:06
then they copyrighted it before we could, that
4:08
is, we're gonna sue their pants off. We're gonna,
4:11
we're gonna, we're gonna, justice, justice, justice.
4:14
And yet the fact of the matter is, the command
4:16
is, God wants me relationally to extend to others
4:21
what has been extended to me. And I will tell
4:24
you that the older I get, the more I get so overwhelmed.
4:31
God, I don't want justice, please. God, if you
4:33
give me justice, oh my. You know, I see things
4:37
in my heart and I, you know, even I can look
4:39
back and think, you know, maybe 20 years ago,
4:41
I thought my motives were right. But boy, looking
4:43
back now, man, that was, you were just one arrogant
4:46
idiot. And boy, I don't want God to deal with
4:49
me that way. And it has been the most profound
4:52
motivation in my life to say, Lord, I am willing
4:56
to let go of my vengeance and lack of forgiveness
4:58
and extend mercy because I certainly do not want
5:02
you to treat me the way that I want them to be
5:06
treated. And notice here, it's just whoever has
5:08
a complaint against anyone. And then if that's
5:11
not enough, I don't know about you, but those
5:12
are pretty strong words to justify the principle
5:15
that right relationships are more important than
5:17
being right. And I will say, you've grown up
5:20
in a world, by the way, American culture. Your
5:23
rights are what matter. You have a right to that.
5:27
I mean, you have been brainwashed to believe
5:29
that you are so the center of the universe that
5:33
you better defend your rights. And so our knee
5:37
-jerk reaction to almost any relational conflict
5:40
is to exert our personal rights. But you know
5:44
what? If you're really significant so much so
5:46
that you're chosen by God, And if you're so accepted
5:50
by him that you're holy and without blame, and
5:53
if you're so dearly loved that you're the object
5:55
is of affection, that you must be secure. You
5:59
know something? All that piddly stuff about who
6:01
gets the parking spot and who goes through the
6:03
light or whether they were there at 4 .30 or
6:06
4 .35 or... you know, door B or door A, or whether
6:10
dinner was supposed to be at this time or that
6:12
time, or whether we agreed on spending money
6:14
this way or that way. You need to talk all those
6:17
things through. But you know, most marriages
6:21
that I've talked to, and I've done tons of counseling,
6:23
unfortunately, and lots of them have ended in
6:26
divorce. When I try and say, now, what was this
6:28
argument about? What was this really about? I
6:33
mean, it's amazing. They can't even remember.
6:37
They can't even remember what was it that started
6:39
it. But I will tell you what started it was a
6:41
very small thing and where two fleshly people
6:44
like me and like you begin to exert their rights.
6:48
And then what do we do? It's like throwing a
6:51
little grenade over the wall and there's a little
6:53
explosion and that hurts the person. So they
6:55
get hurt and they throw a little bit bigger grenade
6:56
over the wall and that hurts them. So they get
6:58
a bazooka out and they shoot the bazooka over
7:00
the wall. And so then you bring a tank and then
7:03
pretty soon there's damage everywhere. because
7:07
everyone has exerted their rights instead of
7:09
saying, you know something, whether it was door
7:11
A or door B, probably a great relationship with
7:14
my kids will matter more long -term than what
7:17
time I pick them up. And whether supper was at
7:19
this time or that time, or you know what, it
7:21
does bug me, and you know, I need to go through
7:24
the right process, but you know, whether that
7:27
person in the company got credit for my idea
7:29
or whether I get credit for it, you know, God
7:31
probably understands all that. And he'll probably
7:33
smile more on a great, loving, godly response.
7:37
And I'll trust him to promote me more than the
7:41
office politics. And what that does is it gives
7:45
you an incredible perspective and a power to
7:48
relate differently to people. And I think that's
7:51
what it means to be a real disciple, a Romans
7:53
12 Christian. And then if you wonder, well, Gosh,
7:56
how do you know when it's resolved? How do you
7:58
know if you're in the right spot? Look at verse
8:00
15. It says, let the peace of Christ rule in
8:03
your hearts to which indeed you were called into
8:05
one body and be thankful. The word peace, he
8:09
says, you know, why do we do all this? Forgive
8:12
just as we have been forgiven. Beyond all these
8:15
things, put on love, which is what? The perfect
8:18
bond of unity. What's the idea here? We belong
8:21
to one another in the body of Christ, loving
8:24
each other and putting up with stuff so that
8:27
we genuinely have right relationships is more
8:30
important than my rights. And then he goes on
8:34
to say, let the peace of Christ rule in your
8:35
hearts. Literally, the word rule is act as an
8:39
umpire, an arbitrator. If you're not sure, when
8:41
you don't have peace in relationship with another
8:44
person, it says, let the Holy Spirit, you know,
8:47
that lack of peace say, you know something, maybe
8:49
you need to make something right with someone.
8:51
And all you may need to do is forgive them. Or
8:54
maybe you need to apologize. Or maybe you need
8:56
to write them a note. But it says, let the peace
8:59
of Christ act as an arbitrator. And then notice
9:02
this little command because it's going to get
9:03
repeated. And be thankful. See, sometimes we
9:07
go through this and we start becoming the martyr.
9:09
I did the right thing. I'm not going to hang
9:11
on to my rights. And boy, I'll tell you what,
9:13
this situation sure stinks. And we get this grumbling,
9:16
complaining, whining attitude instead of thank
9:20
you, Lord. And you say, well, why should I thank
9:21
God? Because conflict, as we'll see in just a
9:24
second, is not an exception in a fallen world.
9:28
It's predictable and it's normal. And God has
9:31
allowed conflict. sovereignly to come into your
9:33
life and my life to do one of two things. Either
9:36
help me learn something about me that I need
9:38
to learn to grow and become more like Christ,
9:39
or help me learn to love someone who's unlovable
9:43
so I can become more like Christ and they can
9:45
receive Christ's love. You're listening to Living
9:49
on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and we'll get back
9:52
to today's message in just a moment. But first,
9:55
did you know you can actually watch Chip teach,
9:57
not just hear him? Just get on YouTube, search
10:00
for Chip Ingram, and hit subscribe to his channel.
10:03
There you'll find full video versions of his
10:06
Bible teachings, along with entire series on
10:09
marriage, parenting, leadership, and a whole
10:11
lot more. Ready to watch whenever it works for
10:14
your schedule. All right, now back to our message.
10:17
So let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts
10:19
and be thankful. And then where do you get the
10:21
resources? How do you do this? How could anyone
10:24
live out? These are supernatural. type attitudes.
10:28
Well, let the word of Christ richly dwell within
10:31
you. And what's the basis then of how you relate
10:33
to one another? With all wisdom, that's God giving
10:37
you, doing relationships his way, with all wisdom,
10:40
teaching and admonishing one another with psalms
10:43
and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness
10:46
in your, again, hearts to God. It's about the
10:49
right relationship matters more than my own little
10:52
turf and me getting my way. Whatever you do,
10:55
I mean, just in case, I mean, just in case, Colossian
10:58
Christians, you didn't quite get the point. Whatever
11:00
you do, in word or in deed, which covers just
11:04
about life, doesn't it? Do all in the name of
11:07
the Lord Jesus. Well, what's the other option?
11:09
All in the name of getting your rights. All in
11:12
the name of justifying yourself. All in the name
11:14
that people need to know the real story. All
11:16
in the name of, about me. Whatever you do in
11:19
word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord
11:21
Jesus. And then notice the third repetition.
11:23
And by the way, it's a command. Giving thanks
11:26
through him to God the Father. I think this is
11:28
one of the strongest relational passages in all
11:30
of the New Testament. And I think what it really
11:33
says to us is, when I get violated and when I
11:37
struggle and when life's unfair and when I'm
11:40
that person at the coffee shop or in the park
11:42
or at the mall pouring out my side of the story,
11:47
I need to remember that right relationships on
11:51
things that are not theological, on things that
11:53
aren't moral, are way more important than my
11:57
rights. I'm going to give you three practical
12:00
ways to put this into practice. Number one is
12:02
refuse to see conflict as negative. Instead,
12:05
embrace conflict as God's tutor for learning
12:08
and or loving others. I think a lot of us have
12:12
just, we've been ingrained. Conflict's bad, conflict's
12:14
wrong. Oh, we got a problem, there's conflict.
12:16
What are we gonna do? It's terrible. It's not
12:17
terrible. I mean, if you think it's terrible,
12:19
then life's gonna be terrible. You're gonna have
12:21
conflict with your roommate. You're gonna have
12:23
conflict with your mate. You're gonna have conflict
12:24
if you have kids. You're gonna have conflict
12:26
with your grandkids. You're gonna have conflict
12:27
with your boss. You're gonna have conflict everywhere.
12:30
But if you unconsciously see conflict is bad
12:33
and negative, then boy, you are set up for being
12:35
a defensive person. Conflict is normal in a fallen
12:39
world. So choose, instead of seeing conflict
12:42
as negative, see it as God's tutor. I mean, doesn't
12:46
everyone want a coach? God said, well, I have
12:49
a tutor. I have a personal coach. I have a way
12:52
that every day of your life, I'm going to provide
12:55
sovereignly ordained and allowed opportunities
12:57
to help you learn to become more like me. And
13:00
since it's a body, I'm going to use you to help
13:03
other people experience my love. What's it mean
13:06
to love someone? Love is giving another person
13:09
what they need the most when they deserve it
13:11
the least at great personal cost. I don't want
13:15
to do that, but that's what Jesus did for me.
13:17
So conflict, rather than saying is negative,
13:20
it's my tutor, it's my coach, it's my teacher.
13:24
Now I've got a conflict situation. My first thought
13:27
is, oh, I'm threatened. I'm fearful. What's going
13:29
to happen to me about my security? What about
13:31
my significance? And will I be accepted? Will
13:32
I be rejected? What if I'm on the outside after
13:34
this happens? What if this person leaves me?
13:35
What about, what about, what? I am chosen. I
13:41
am holy. I'm already dearly loved. There's not
13:45
a job, a circumstance, or a person on the face
13:48
of the earth that has the power to make or break
13:51
my life or yours. No one has the power to ruin
13:55
your life that you don't let them. A mate can't,
13:58
a kid can't, a grandparent can't, an organization,
14:01
no one can ruin your life. You are chosen, you
14:04
are holy, and you are dearly loved. And you're
14:06
on your way to heaven. You can have a few bumps
14:10
in the road, but no one has the power to ruin
14:12
your life that you don't let. And so do you say
14:15
to yourself, well, wow, I guess God's gonna teach
14:18
me through this conflict about seeing something
14:21
in me that I guess I didn't see before that he
14:24
wants to change. Because I don't know about you,
14:26
I don't wake up and say, I don't read my Bible
14:28
in the morning and wake up and say, oh, wow,
14:31
I see a major area in my life I just think I'm
14:34
going to change. Everyone's seen it for 20 years
14:36
and it's a blind spot and I've never seen it,
14:37
but yippee, I see it today and I'm going to.
14:42
Every major change that's happened in my life
14:44
has been that major change that needed to happen.
14:48
I ran head on to someone else's major change
14:51
that needed to happen. And it was in that conflict
14:54
I saw stuff in me that I didn't want to see.
14:58
But I got to see it to the point where it was
15:00
so undeniable, I came out of my denial and realized,
15:03
God wants to deal with that shit. You need to
15:07
come to me. You need to repent. And conflict
15:10
is a tool in his hands to help you, to help me.
15:13
And the other is, conflict has been a tutor where
15:17
there are times, I think, That I've actually
15:20
given someone what they don't deserve or had
15:23
some gentleness and some humility and some compassion
15:26
and some forgiveness that actually worked in
15:30
someone's life whose life wasn't going very well.
15:33
And I can look back five or 10 years later and
15:34
say, I got to be an instrument of grace. And
15:38
I will tell you, I can list the people on my
15:40
hand who in conflict have forgiven me and loved
15:44
me and believed in me when I didn't deserve it.
15:47
And they were an instrument of grace. So, you
15:50
know, practice number one is refuse to see conflict
15:53
as negative. Instead, embrace. Notice I didn't
15:55
say tolerate. Embrace conflict as God's tutor
15:58
for learning and for loving others. The second
16:01
practice is be willing to own 50 % more of any
16:04
problem in a relationship than you think is fair.
16:07
That sounds crazy, but I mean, I literally, I'm
16:09
like big on this. I've had lots of conflicts.
16:13
That's probably not a really good testimony,
16:15
but it's true. I've had lots of conflicts and
16:18
I have strong opinions and I have a strong personality,
16:20
which none of you probably could attest to. And
16:23
what I've just, you know, I never did this before,
16:28
but I always wanted to get it. You know, man,
16:30
I mean, I think maybe I've got 49 .87 % of this,
16:34
but over 50 % is this guy's, you know? And what
16:37
I realized is I always have huge levels of denial.
16:41
And everyone does. And when I found out, I just
16:44
thought, okay, you know what? I'm gonna assume
16:46
over 50 % of the problem. I mean, I can argue
16:49
and have division over, now, did we say 5 .30
16:52
or six o 'clock dinner? Now, did you say we were
16:54
gonna do this or do that? Did you say the budget
16:56
was gonna be X dollars or X dollars? You can
16:58
work out the details, but just assume 50 % more
17:01
of the blame than in your heart of hearts you
17:03
think you deserve and say, you know what? God's
17:05
bigger than this. And the more that I have learned
17:09
to do that, Because what we're afraid of is,
17:12
at the heart of it, it's an arrogance issue.
17:14
We're so afraid that someone's gonna think less
17:17
of us, that our reputation is gonna be decreased.
17:19
And what we're constantly trying to protect is
17:21
our image and our reputation. Rather than saying,
17:24
you know what, if God knows the truth, I'm not
17:26
sure of the truth, why not just step up and say,
17:28
you know, I thought this was my fault and my
17:30
heart of hearts before God. I'm gonna go ahead
17:32
and take another step. I'm gonna own this much.
17:35
Will you forgive me for this? And will you forgive
17:37
me for this as well? I'm gonna own mine. And
17:41
you know what that does? It is amazing how that
17:43
melts conflict. Because down deep, people have
17:46
a pretty intuitive sense of probably what they
17:50
own. And when someone is willing to take the
17:53
step across the line to own more, and you know,
17:56
sometimes I probably think I'm owning more and
17:58
probably I'm just right. You know, it really
18:00
is a good 50%. But I'm hoping it's like it's
18:03
only 35 % and I'm giving about 15 % grace. But
18:07
when you do that, I'm amazed that people can
18:09
kind of see and they'll just basically say, you
18:11
know something, I'm not gonna go there either.
18:15
And what happens is the right relationship gets
18:19
to be the priority instead of who's right. The
18:22
final practice that's been very helpful over
18:24
the years is ask yourself, why is it so important
18:27
to be proven right or to get your way in a situation?
18:30
I don't like to ask that question, but what I
18:32
found is with my wife and my kids and issues,
18:35
I just found out, what is it? What is this little
18:39
energizer bunny in Chip Ingram? I gotta be right,
18:41
I gotta be right, I gotta be right, I gotta be
18:42
right, I gotta be right. At the heart of it is,
18:45
I must not believe I'm really chosen. I must
18:47
not believe I'm already holy and I must not believe
18:49
I'm already dearly loved because I got to be
18:51
right to prove to me and to prove all these people,
18:53
I'm really significant. I'm really secure. I'm
18:56
really a somebody. I did all the work. You know,
18:58
I did the research. You got to know this is right.
19:01
Well, what's behind all that? Just flesh, just
19:05
ego, just pride. And what kills relationships?
19:10
Flesh, ego. Pride, when you don't care about
19:14
that. And I don't mean you don't care like your
19:16
tenant's not there. You own it reasonably. But
19:19
if you back up and say, well, you know something,
19:20
Lord? You know what's right. And I'm accepted
19:23
by you. And you know what? This little phrase
19:26
has been so helpful. I really want and desire
19:31
people's approval. But I don't need people's
19:37
approval because I have God's approval. You're
19:44
listening to Living on the Edge with a message
19:46
titled, Right relationships are always more important
19:49
than being right. Part of our series, Caring
19:52
Enough to Connect, Building Bridges to Those
19:54
We Love. If today's message struck a nerve, maybe
19:58
there's a relationship in your life that's needed
20:00
some help, you can easily revisit this lesson
20:03
anytime at livingontheedge .org. And if you'd
20:07
like to catch every message in this series and
20:09
get these daily lessons downloaded automatically,
20:12
then be sure to subscribe to the Living on the
20:14
Edge podcast wherever you listen. And to hear
20:17
the original full -length sermons, subscribe
20:20
to the Chip Ingram sermon podcast. Well, the
20:23
kind of grace we discussed today, choosing relationship
20:26
over being right, is exactly what it takes to
20:29
reach someone who's walked away from church or
20:32
never believed in the first place. That's the
20:34
subject of a book by Aaron Pierce titled Not
20:37
Beyond Reach, How to Share Jesus with the Young,
20:40
the Deconstructed, and the Non -Religious. It's
20:43
a practical field -tested guide that walks you
20:46
step -by -step from friendship to real spiritual
20:49
conversation to the gospel itself without ever
20:52
needing to win an argument to get there. You
20:55
can get your copy of this valuable tool at a
20:58
special price today at livingontheedge .org slash
21:02
offers. And if these teachings and resources
21:05
are making a difference in your life, we invite
21:08
you to become a monthly partner or simply make
21:10
a gift right now. Just go online to livingontheedge
21:14
.org or call us at 888 -333 -6003. You can also
21:20
send your gift by mail to Living on the Edge,
21:23
P .O. Box 3007, Suwannee, Georgia, 30024. Well,
21:29
now here's Chip Ingram. As we wrap up today's
21:32
program, We really were addressing the core behind
21:35
conflict. And we all have conflict in relationships.
21:38
And sometimes the conflict is the other person
21:41
actually is doing things, saying things, acting
21:44
in ways that are so selfish that they have the
21:47
problem and they really ought and should change.
21:51
But usually it's not all them. I mean, I like.
21:54
to believe that honestly, and I know that you
21:56
like to believe that honestly when we're in an
21:58
argument or when we're hurt or when we're talking
22:01
to a friend and blaming, it's all my husband's
22:03
fault, it's all my spouse's fault. These kids,
22:06
after all that we've done for them, look at what
22:08
they're doing, looking how they're treating us.
22:10
You know, my boss, my supervisor, you know, he's
22:12
a jerk, she's a jerk. They did this, they did
22:15
that. Does this all sound familiar? What I want
22:18
you to know is that so much of that is rooted
22:20
in down deep in my heart and down deep in your
22:24
heart, with people, we have to prove that we're
22:28
okay. We feel that we have to be right because
22:31
if we're not right, people will think less of
22:34
us. And we have to demonstrate that we're in
22:37
control and we're an important person. And I
22:40
talked in today's teaching, and this has been
22:42
a long journey for me, but believing that I don't
22:46
need people's approval because I have God's approval.
22:50
Now, let me just pause for a moment. I mean,
22:52
you let that sink into your heart in the midst
22:55
of an awful lot of conflict that really is about
22:58
such trivial stuff. These are principles that
23:02
change relationships. And if you could get God's
23:06
security and take down the walls and believe
23:10
this truth and know that you're significant,
23:12
you're secure, that even sometimes if it's so
23:16
trivial, just let it go. Even if you're right,
23:20
just let it go. When you begin to grasp that
23:25
I don't need to win the argument because sometimes
23:29
winning an argument means I'm losing the relationship.
23:33
And I don't mean that you're a doormat. I don't
23:35
mean that you just agree with someone all the
23:37
time. But think of the conflict you're presently
23:41
having. Think of the person that you're in conflict
23:44
the most and think of the self -talk that you
23:47
have and how unconsciously or consciously you
23:50
have to prove that you are right and they are
23:53
wrong. Could I tell you that Jesus laid down
23:58
his rights and he didn't do it because he was
24:02
weak. He did it because he was meek. It's called
24:06
power. under control. It's called, I don't need
24:11
to win this trivial little thing. It's not worth
24:15
it because I already know who I am and who I
24:19
am in Christ. Can I encourage you to let some
24:23
of the little stuff go and to just give people
24:27
the benefit of the doubt and realize, you know
24:30
something, I think I'm going to lose this trivial
24:33
argument on purpose and smile. and just move
24:37
on and just see what happens. Well, next time
24:40
Chip introduces a principle he calls chronic
24:42
related -itis for that one relationship that
24:45
just never seems to change. Don't miss this impactful
24:49
lesson right here on Living on the Edge. Today's
24:55
program is produced and sponsored by Living on
24:58
the Edge.