Latest / Recovering Out Loud / 12 Days Without Sleep on Drugs… and the Near-Death Experience That Changed Everything

Transcript

12 Days Without Sleep on Drugs… and the Near-Death Experience That Changed Everything · Recovering Out Loud

0:00
So when I when I got clean, I was kind of looking to find out
0:06
if my near death experiences had been strictly hallucination or
0:11
if there was more to it, right? And through certain practices
0:16
around yoga, nidra, deep meditative relaxation, and the
0:20
breath work as a foundational tool, accompanying that with
0:23
binaural beats and music, binaural induction music, I was.
0:27
I've had some successes in leaving my body and confirming
0:30
for myself that we are actually spiritual beings having a human
0:35
experience. Love it.
0:36
Hi there, welcome back or welcome to Recovering Out Loud
0:40
Podcast, the show where we get real about mental health and
0:44
addiction. I'm so glad you're here.
0:46
If you or someone you love is struggling with drugs or
0:49
alcohol, please reach out for help.
0:51
Send me a message on all social media platforms at Recovering
0:55
Out Loud Pod or by e-mail at recoveringoutloudpod@gmail.com.
1:02
You are no longer alone. So you're going to UFT coming
1:22
up. I am what's what kind of studies
1:25
are you doing there exactly you want to describe?
1:26
I'm very intrigued about this breath work thing because I've
1:30
used it recently and it, it was a very powerful experience,
1:35
right? And I think we can do a lot of
1:37
healing through breath work, you know, prayer and meditation,
1:41
very similar things in my experience.
1:43
I was always taught prayers, talking to to God, higher power,
1:47
whatever the fuck you want to call it.
1:49
And meditation was listening, right?
1:52
So can you What, what's, what's the schooling about and why are
1:55
you so passionate about it? Man, 'cause it fires me up too,
1:57
just listening to you talk about it.
1:59
OK, well, I, I've, I've, I know that the breath is the only
2:06
autonomic system within the body that we can control, right?
2:10
And I decided to go to U of T basically for certification
2:16
purposes, right? Like speaking with my sponsor
2:19
who was actually an accredited Tibetan meditation instructor
2:26
for many years, he told me that I didn't really need to go to a
2:32
breath work school per SE, but U of T would be a good fit for me
2:36
around the certification. So I'm attending the mindfulness
2:40
meditation foundations course, which is the prerequisite for
2:44
any expansion into that, you know, into that academic study,
2:49
right? So when I when I got clean, I
2:55
was kind of looking to find out if my near death experiences had
3:02
been strictly hallucination or if there was more to it, right?
3:07
And through certain practices around yoga, nidra, deep
3:12
meditative relaxation and the breath work as a foundational
3:16
tool, accompanying that with binaural beats and music,
3:20
binaural and Dutch music, I was I've had some successes in
3:23
leaving my body and confirming for myself that we are actually
3:29
spiritual beings having a human experience.
3:31
Love it. Yeah, couldn't agree more.
3:33
I, I loved hearing that sentence term, whatever you want to call
3:36
it, because I find that to be true today and you know it.
3:39
That to me is completely evidenced by fuck, dude, I can
3:44
make a bad situation out of anything, right?
3:46
Like I'll tell somebody a problem, just a small example.
3:49
I'll tell somebody a problem I have and they're like, dude,
3:52
that's really, it's really not that bad, you know, or yesterday
3:55
I'll have a really bad day. And then the same thing that
3:58
happened to me a year later. And it's, it's not that bad.
4:01
And I'm putting a complete spin. I'm projecting a movie onto it.
4:06
And based on where I am, where I'm at in life.
4:08
And it's like, yeah, like I'm having a human experience, you
4:11
know? But then there's other
4:13
situations, other times in my life where just unexplainable
4:16
shit will happen, right? One, I don't know me not, not
4:20
not dying, you know, from the amount of drugs that I was doing
4:23
or, or me not getting into ending up flipping a car when I
4:27
was driving, right? And Duis and killing people.
4:31
There's a reason for that, right?
4:32
I don't know. I just, I find that that's
4:33
there's a lot of spiritual experiences, God winks, if you
4:36
will, that happened in my life today that I'm just like, it
4:40
can't be a coincidence, you know what I mean?
4:42
I do agree, yeah. I, I mean, like from a lot of my
4:46
research into these topics and my personal experience, I almost
4:52
feel today like we cannot jump the queue when it comes to our
4:55
experience here. We come into this, you know,
4:59
third density experience blindfolded, and we as human
5:04
beings are the only animals on the planet capable of ascending
5:08
our consciousness, right? Where some people will say
5:12
things like, oh, I want to come back as a butterfly or I want to
5:15
come back as a bird. Well, not really, you know,
5:18
'cause then you're still going to have to, to come back again
5:20
as a human to ascend your consciousness to, you know, to
5:23
reunite with Source, to reunite with source in the third density
5:29
is to ascend to consciousness, right?
5:31
So as we ascend to consciousness into fourth density and we start
5:34
to know that there is a path that we're walking to start to
5:38
know that there is a divinity, a spark of the divine within the
5:42
human body. The, I liken it to being a
5:45
snowflake. You know, some people will say
5:46
that here we are in a drop on the other side where the ocean
5:49
and and, and that's valid, you know, but I like to prefer to
5:52
say that here we are like a snowflake, an individual fractal
5:56
representation of the water that, you know, grants US life
6:00
and and keeps us alive in this, in this little in this little
6:03
reality, this dream that we call reality or this, you know, this
6:07
state that we're frozen in for a short.
6:08
Time and exactly that's what I was going to say is is it's a
6:11
short time right and we don't know if we have tomorrow right
6:15
and that's why all these cheesy sayings that you hear when you
6:18
come in one day at a time and you know just for today and the
6:21
things that really pissed me off when I came in the beginning
6:23
they're like they're really helpful and really true because
6:26
I, you know I even got a bracelet on me that says one day
6:28
at a time 'cause I'll have to I'll go through moments in my
6:30
life where I'm like this is never gonna end right this is
6:33
never gonna end my life is hard blah, blah blah all this
6:35
bullshit that I again spinning the story and I'm just I'll just
6:39
look down and I'll remember it's like dude, just don't drink
6:43
today right and it'll be OK that's that's a successful day
6:45
to me today because I don't know about you but I couldn't put 5
6:48
minutes together of sobriety before right well.
6:51
For me, I like I'm a what I'm with my doctor calls a legacy
6:55
patient. OK, so I was I started using
6:59
around the age of 11 regularly. I I remember crawling out of my
7:03
crib as a three-year old, 4 year old, going around to the parent.
7:07
My parents were all sleeping, the, the people had been
7:09
partying or whatever. And I'd go around and I'd steal
7:11
the, the little half beers that were leftover from the night
7:14
before and I would drink them, you know, as a child, a baby,
7:18
and until the first time when I got A1 full of cigarette butts
7:23
and I drank it. And from there I learned how to
7:26
pour it into a glass, you know. So by the time I was 11/11/12
7:33
years old, you know, I was from a broken home and my mother was,
7:38
you know, she was suffering from alcoholism.
7:41
She was not a spiritual person or into any type of recovery
7:46
programs. God knows she was trying, but
7:48
things were difficult, you know, and the neighborhood where I
7:51
grew up was a predominantly Jamaican neighborhood.
7:53
So ganja was, you know, it was just available.
7:57
It was just there. It was a it was a normal part of
7:59
everyday life and nobody looked at it in any funny way.
8:02
And we started smoking weed after a few years of that going
8:08
in and out of juvenile facilities, right, being
8:12
becoming a Crown ward for a couple of few years.
8:15
Upon my release at the age of 16, I, I moved to the UK for
8:20
about a year, a little bit less than a year where I picked up
8:22
booze full time, right? I came back when I got back, did
8:27
a little more time, met a few more friends, ended up doing
8:31
some, getting into some serious St. level crime, organized,
8:36
whatever. And that's when I found cocaine.
8:39
You know, I've been as a child, a young, young lad.
8:43
I'd been diagnosed with AHD and I'm not so sure that that
8:47
diagnosis was accurate because crystal meth gets me freaking
8:51
high, right? It gets me really high.
8:53
So it's they were pumping me full of speed from the age of
8:57
maybe 7-8 years old to about 11-12 years old, and then they
9:02
yanked it from me, right? That's a red line or or
9:04
whatever. Yeah, prescription, that's.
9:06
When I found cocaine and but a boom, but a Bing, you know, that
9:10
was it, right? I was after the races and then,
9:14
you know, it's, it's, it's a progressive fatal illness, you
9:18
know, and nature versus nurture, you know, moral deficiency
9:23
versus your sickness. It's, it's all the same thing
9:27
really by the end of the day, right?
9:28
It's, it's going to be a mixture for each individual.
9:30
I feel you know. So you you mentioned, you know,
9:36
you had a rough upbringing, childhood alcohol was sort of
9:40
always around. And what like do you do you
9:44
remember that moment? I'm sure you do.
9:45
But what was the moment like where you you were brought to
9:50
your knees and you sort of said like, I'm done.
9:55
Well, which time? Yeah, same.
9:58
You know what I mean? Yeah.
9:59
Like there was a time my baby brother had just gone to a rehab
10:05
center up in Sundridge. It was for construction guys.
10:09
He was in the union and he came home and he was doing really
10:12
well. You know, he'd stopped using
10:14
alcohol. He was doing the marijuana
10:16
maintenance back then and, and he was still struggling.
10:19
But I had, I had given myself a overdose from shooting cocaine.
10:26
And he came to see me and he was upset.
10:29
And I just, you know, I pulled up my sleeve and said, look,
10:31
bro, look what's going on here? And he's like, no, no more sends
10:35
me up to the, to the rehab facility.
10:37
So I was willing and, and it was an, a, a program, you know, and
10:42
I remember going to the meetings and getting clean for about 30
10:45
days, 60 days. I didn't complete the program
10:48
and I just, I didn't take to it. I didn't surrender, you know, I,
10:53
I, I came out of there, went on about living my life maybe a
10:57
couple years, year or so down the road, ended up back in the
11:00
joint. I remember calling them from the
11:03
Don jail like, yo, you know, can you guys get me back in a
11:06
program? And they're like, dude, you are
11:08
a hardcore drug addict. We do not have the tools for
11:10
you. You need a two year program.
11:12
And I was like, yeah, two years or I got, I only got to do a
11:16
couple months here, so forget it, right.
11:18
So I, I, I, I just shut it out, right?
11:21
I wouldn't, I wouldn't go. I continued to, to do what I was
11:25
doing until down the road, you know, I was using a lot of
11:32
Oxycontin. That was probably the first time
11:36
I really got, got sick when I, when I got sick off of opium,
11:41
you know, I, I, I, I looked in the mirror, I said, how was I
11:45
ever addicted to cocaine? You know, I just did not.
11:48
And I just, I was like, wow, this is what addiction is.
11:50
This is addiction. Wow, I was sick and and really,
11:54
really dying a girlfriend of mine who at the time, she had
12:00
gone onto the methadone program and she got me to, you know, to
12:07
go. So I started taking a methadone
12:09
program from which I did eventually after three years or
12:13
so, I was able to and this is without any 12 step help, right?
12:17
This is just just white knuckling as they say, or, or
12:20
trying to do it on my own or, or using that that I'm sober enough
12:24
mentality right where I'm taking the methadone I'm getting after
12:29
a few years, I'm getting my carries.
12:31
You know, I'm smoking reefers, I'm drinking beer, but I'm still
12:37
involved with, you know, with sex trade workers and gang
12:41
members and drug dealing and so on and so forth.
12:47
Living a life of, you know, guns and, and and large amounts of
12:51
dope. So what happened there?
12:55
I had about six years where I was living like that.
12:59
I had all my carries. You know, I felt like I'm sober
13:01
enough. It's OK.
13:02
There's no issues. I'm, I'm, I can do what I got to
13:04
do. And then my, my lady at the
13:07
time, she, she went into my safe and she stole just the tiniest
13:14
little drop of my methadone carry and she put herself into a
13:18
coma. I woke up that morning beside
13:22
her and she was blue and she was not breathing very well at all.
13:26
I, I, I bit the bullet, called the ambulance, got her, rushed
13:32
to hospital, followed her there, went into the hospital with her
13:36
where the doctor says to me, you know, listen man, you know,
13:41
don't hang around here. You're just scaring people.
13:45
I mean, I was honestly quietly praying to myself in the corner
13:49
as I'm watching them cut her clothes off and RIP the wide
13:52
open in front of everybody and hitting her with the things and
13:55
such. And there's like, just go home
13:58
and prepare yourself because when you get back here in the
14:00
morning, she might not be with us.
14:04
And you know, I'll tell you something.
14:07
I I was, I was really, I was really, I was, I was in a sick,
14:13
sick place. And I says to the doctor, I
14:15
says, OK, doc, you know, I'll go home and I'll prepare myself.
14:19
But if I come back here in the morning and she's not breathing,
14:22
Doc, I said, you, Sir, you'll be dead by fucking breakfast.
14:26
And he looked at me funny and tilted his head like a puppy
14:28
does and it doesn't understand you.
14:31
I says, oh, because I'll fucking kill you.
14:34
I told the man, I said, I'll fucking kill you.
14:36
I'll come back here about 7:15, you know, 720 when you're having
14:40
your toasted melon in the cafeteria, I'll take out a
14:43
handgun and I'll empty it into your face and chest like nothing
14:45
happened and I'll drop in and walk away.
14:48
And he looked at the police and the firefighters that were all
14:51
over the place and kind of gave me a look like, and I said, go
14:53
ahead, pal, go ahead, go right ahead.
14:55
I said, you can have me arrested now, but then in the morning
14:59
time you're going to have to deal with my, my, my friends and
15:02
they're not going to be polite like me.
15:04
So I left, I took my leave and I didn't jump off the wagon, bro.
15:10
I, I, I, I high dived. I did a super triple backflip,
15:15
you know, face First off the wagon and head straight to a bar
15:20
where I ordered a bottle and then straight back to my place
15:24
at residence where, you know, I proceeded to abuse drugs.
15:31
I went back in the morning armed and she was there breathing on a
15:37
machine. She was in a coma.
15:40
The doctor was nowhere to be found, but she was breathing.
15:43
So he had, you know, he kept his end of the deal, I guess.
15:46
And, and I, I stayed as long as I could.
15:50
They sent me home. I went home and I just proceeded
15:54
to dig myself deeper and deeper and deeper until finally she
16:02
came out of the coma about 10 days later where the police were
16:06
there when she woke up. And the only question they had
16:08
was where did you get the drugs? By the grace of God, she told
16:12
the truth. She had stolen them.
16:14
And the murder investigation that they would launched was,
16:16
you know, it ended. They, they were no longer under
16:20
the impression that I tried to kill my wife, which was nice,
16:25
you know, for me, but it still left me in a place where I
16:33
wanted to get back on the wagon. What I physically couldn't, I
16:37
just couldn't. I, I, I had a friend of mine,
16:39
he's passed away now. He was a, a big drug dealer in
16:43
the, in the Jamaican community in the Brampton area.
16:46
And he used to say to me, Mikey, man, he says, why?
16:49
I don't even know why you don't go on the wagon.
16:51
You run beside it all day long, you know, because I, I went back
16:54
to methadone. I tried to try to kick the drugs
16:57
and I just I would just use the crack cocaine until I couldn't
17:02
until I couldn't see straight right and around them times my
17:07
baby brother was diagnosed with fourth stage lymphoma cancer to
17:12
lung. And that's not that's not
17:15
usually too many happy endings with that story.
17:17
And I'm going to you know, I'm going to talk to you guys here
17:20
honestly, and I'm going to tell you what what I did.
17:23
I, I ended up in a in a really bad state where I was using
17:29
opium, opium derivatives, liquid morphine, oxycontin, heroin,
17:37
fentanyl and crackle can literally by the fucking, you
17:44
know, quarter pound. I I had no shortage of narcotics
17:47
availability to me and every time I would try to sleep the
17:52
only thing I could think of was my baby brothers got the cancer
17:55
and I can't do nothing about it. Every time I fell asleep I would
17:59
have intense nightmares around this situation.
18:02
Every time I woke up the only thought in my head was my baby
18:05
brothers got the cancer and I can't do anything about it.
18:08
I went to speak to my family to go visit him in the hospital
18:12
where my mother begged me not to come.
18:14
Seeing that him seeing me in that state would probably kill
18:18
him because he was like trying so hard to, to be clean and it
18:22
would, it would probably bring him down.
18:24
And then we had to keep his hopes up and so forth.
18:27
So that was not very good. No connection to family and
18:30
stuff. Yeah.
18:31
So at that time, I got really, really low, bro.
18:36
It was really bad. It was like it was desperation.
18:39
It was destitution. It was, well, maybe not
18:41
destitution. I mean, I was, I had a roof over
18:43
my head and, and sneakers on my feet and all that stuff.
18:47
But I was spiritually destitute, you know what I'm saying?
18:50
So I decided to, to take my own life.
18:53
I, I decided to stop sleeping first because, you know, I
18:58
couldn't. And I, I would use the, I would
19:03
use the, the junk every time I would run, I would use the crack
19:09
cocaine, OK. And I would use it and use it
19:11
and use it to stay awake. And every time I ran out of
19:14
crack cocaine, I would stick a big shot into my arm and it
19:18
would bring me down enough that I could wait to get more crack
19:20
cocaine. And I would use the more crack
19:22
cocaine until it ran out and then again another shot and so
19:25
on and so forth. Just went on for about 12 to 14
19:29
days without any sleep. By the end of it, you know, I'm
19:34
obviously in psychosis and I. You've seen all types of shit.
19:37
Yeah, I was. I was like, I had had a near
19:40
death experience before this where I found myself outside of
19:43
my body, inside of a nightclub where while my body was on the
19:48
ground and I'm standing, you're looking at myself.
19:51
I couldn't pull my foot out of my body.
19:53
And I realized, you know, oh, I'm not really dead.
19:57
I'm just mostly dead. So I start telling my body, Hey,
20:00
yo, just wake up, Just wake up. And the bouncer comes over and I
20:03
see him pick up my body from the ground and I can hear this guy
20:05
in his head. He's like, I'm going to beat
20:07
this guy and throw him out the back door.
20:08
And then he picks me up. He knows it's me.
20:09
He's like, oh, I'm not this guy. He's not this asshole.
20:12
I'm not even supposed to fucking be here today.
20:14
You know, he's like that. And, and, and, and I'm just
20:17
whispering to my body. I'm like, yo, just wake up, just
20:19
wake up. But in.
20:21
In reality, my body, I guess my body was responding to what I
20:24
was doing because it starts screaming at him telling him to
20:27
wake up, you know, just wake up, just wake up.
20:29
And, and luckily the guy knew me and whether he liked me or not,
20:34
it's debatable, but he dragged me to the front and threw me
20:37
into a chair where I landed. And that's when I recame back
20:41
into my body. That was when I lost all fear of
20:44
deaths. I, I realized that our
20:47
consciousness does exist outside of the body, that we're just
20:51
connected to the body, but I didn't really understand it.
20:54
I couldn't articulate it. I couldn't.
20:56
It took me a long time to wrap my head around it.
20:58
So as 12 day 12 day 14 is going by in this in this harsh time,
21:05
it is this this dark time in our lives.
21:08
I believed that I was conversing with deities.
21:11
I believed that the guides that had brought me back to the third
21:15
density were able to hear my thoughts and that I could
21:19
communicate with them. And I tried to make a deal and I
21:24
says in exchange for my, for my niece to never suffer a day in
21:29
her life, to never have to go through what we've been through.
21:32
I, I, I will, I will leave this, this reality now.
21:35
I will join you on the other side.
21:37
I will serve you until the, you know, until the eternity, until
21:40
there's no more eternity. And and then I, I consciously
21:44
and willingly took a shot three or four times the regular dosage
21:50
that I was used to. Knowing what that would do.
21:52
I then waited for my girlfriend at the time.
21:56
It's the same girl who had been in a coma.
21:58
I waited for her to come in and out of the house cuz she was on
22:01
crystal meth. And I knew that she would be in
22:03
and out of the house 5-6 times before she actually left for the
22:06
day. So 5 * 6 times, no problem.
22:09
OK, bye, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
22:11
No, no, no, nothing. You know, Stuck that shit in my
22:15
arm and I would lay down and I was ready to go thinking I had
22:20
pulled a fast 1, you know, pulled a chick on on, on, on, on
22:24
the guides of the devil or whatever.
22:27
As the curtains began to close, I didn't feel any fear.
22:31
I didn't feel any remorse. I didn't feel any shame or
22:35
desire. I felt like I was going home.
22:40
I felt warm, I felt not alone until the very last thought in
22:49
my mind. I guess I blacked out and I was.
22:53
My consciousness was transported, I guess, to a
22:56
possible future where I was given a vision of the mess that
23:00
I was leaving behind and I did not like it.
23:05
I became the only emotion that I had at that time was sheer
23:11
unadulterated anger and disgust with my own greed, my own
23:14
selfishness, my own ignorance and, and my own lack of
23:19
fundamental respect for, for life.
23:21
And, and I lived with that for a long time.
23:25
You know, I was there. I didn't see Jesus.
23:28
I didn't see Buddha. There was something there with
23:31
me. It was massive.
23:33
It was big as a building. It didn't have no face.
23:37
It just had a presence. It was there.
23:38
It brought me, showed me this future that I that I was
23:42
appalled by. And before I could even beg to
23:45
be sent back or asked if I wanted to go back, I open my
23:50
eyes that I'm in the hospital with the nurses running around.
23:53
He's breathing. He's breathing and all the, the
23:55
machines and the beeping and all the rest of it.
23:57
And I turned it up to the girl and I said to her, what the
24:00
fuck? I'm not dead.
24:02
And she's like, no, baby, you're here.
24:03
You're here with me. You know, I'm like, well, how
24:05
long was like 18 hours. Yeah.
24:08
Yeah. It was wild, man.
24:11
How did you get to the hospital? There was some kids in my house
24:16
that were in and out of the house all the time and I had
24:19
actually Narcan fucking ten of them over the years.
24:22
And she actually did something, brought her back into the house
24:25
that day because she came in from wherever she was going,
24:28
came in, found me on the floor convulsing or blew, not
24:31
breathing. And the story goes that she
24:35
started screaming at these kids. Yo, he see, he saved each and
24:38
every one of you. Save him, save him, save him.
24:41
They proceeded to Narcan me. No response.
24:43
They got the needle. Narcan hit me with it, got me on
24:47
my feet. And I remember every time that I
24:50
had narcaned any one of them, I had three questions for them.
24:52
You know, do you know who I am? Do you know your name?
24:55
Do you know where you are? If they could answer those
24:58
questions, you know, I would say, look, you want to go to the
25:03
hospital or not. It's up to you, right?
25:05
If they could not answer those questions, then off to the
25:07
hospital they would go. So I have no memory of this.
25:12
I have none, no memory of whatsoever.
25:14
But apparently they got me on my feet, asked me those questions
25:17
and I started yelling at them. I sing to sing something like a
25:20
lot, something like just ask them.
25:23
They're right there. They seen the whole effing
25:25
thing, you know, just ask them. And I'm apparently I'm pointing
25:28
over their shoulders at the bedroom wall where I had a every
25:36
prayer card and newspaper article and photograph of all
25:40
the friends that I had lost up to that point.
25:43
And I have no memory of it, but this is what they told me.
25:46
So they realized that I was not there, you know, lights on
25:49
nobody's home. They put me into a car.
25:52
And the young lady, she that, that was driving, she drove into
25:57
oncoming traffic to get me to the hospital, saved my life.
26:01
She did, she did. Young lady.
26:03
She's she's a good friend. I'm in recovery now.
26:06
So I haven't been in contact with her or the other kids.
26:08
They're still out there. They're unfortunately still out
26:11
there. As far as I know, yes.
26:12
Wow, that's incredible, man. What are it's I always look at
26:17
those stories and like for things to line up.
26:20
It's like now you have a choice, right?
26:22
It's like I can go back to that life every day.
26:25
You have a choice. I can go back to that life and
26:26
keep doing what I was doing or I can choose this life of recovery
26:30
and be of service. And you know, you're doing that
26:33
with, with what you're telling me, but also the, the breath
26:36
work stuff and being becoming a teacher essentially, right.
26:39
So it's beautiful, man, It's it's amazing.
26:42
How long ago was that? Oh, that would have been about
26:45
10 years ago now. I mean, I, I, I, it's not like I
26:47
stopped using at that point. I mean, I got out of the
26:50
hospital and immediately needed a hit because I was sick, you
26:53
know, and I, I was using in the hospital parking lot.
26:59
I got back to my place there and at the time some friends of mine
27:04
and myself were under investigation for for some
27:08
stuff. I'm not going to get into that
27:09
end of it, but the police were raiding my home like clockwork
27:12
every six months. Just boom, boom, boom.
27:15
I got so bad the apartment owners wouldn't were refusing to
27:18
fix the door, you know, so I had a about a foot missing off the
27:22
top of my my door in the apartment.
27:24
And this had been going on for some time.
27:27
So once I finally was able to get back onto the methadone
27:33
program after that experience, I moved my apartment to another,
27:38
to another building where I am. I ended up getting arrested on a
27:44
gun charge. It was, it was, it was just a
27:49
mess, right? So after that I left that
27:52
building because I was released on bail but not allowed to go
27:54
home right there. It wasn't like it wasn't
27:57
domestic, but it was the I guess the informants lived in the
28:01
building. So they gave me bail, but they
28:03
wouldn't let me go back within whatever.
28:06
So I ended up going into hotels, you know, and and and dragon and
28:13
this is like right right around COVID time started, right?
28:15
So I'm inclined tooth and nail to stay on the methadone program
28:19
and, and, and get myself together, which about a year.
28:22
I was living like that, you know, and I was able to get my
28:26
head above water for a short period of time.
28:29
When the COVID got really bad, I was able to get a trailer like a
28:36
nice, like a really nice, like RV brand new trailer, yeah.
28:40
And, and move it out to out into the West by the border of Marine
28:49
City in Michigan and a place called Walpole Island in
28:55
Ontario. It's reserve in between, like
29:01
just before Windsor, basically half an hour to Windsor kind of
29:05
thing. And when I got into the trailer,
29:09
I was on the program. I was doing OK, you know, I was
29:12
just, well, I thought I was doing OK, right?
29:14
I'm smoking, referring on the program.
29:16
I wasn't drinking booze. I wasn't using coke, I wasn't
29:19
using smack. I was just getting my carries
29:21
and trying to live my life, you know, times got tough again
29:27
after that. I lost connection to my family.
29:29
I got into arguments with my, with my mother and her and her
29:33
husband. I, I lost contact with my
29:35
brother. Things were getting, you know,
29:37
things progressively got worse, right?
29:39
Because that's what happens, you know, if you don't stay
29:41
obstinate, I feel like you're in control, but you're not.
29:45
We're not, you know, because our brains are not wired that way
29:48
when we're using, right. Our reward system is all fucked
29:51
up and the only thing we can bring into our lives is more
29:54
misery and more trauma and more sorrow.
29:55
You know what I mean? So as time was going by, things
29:59
were getting progressively worse.
30:00
Police got, you know, got my location out there and I was
30:05
raided again. This time they caught me cold.
30:09
They got me cold. They got me with with a bag of
30:13
firearms and parts and A and a pack of fentanyl where by the
30:25
grace of God, by the grace of something outside of myself,
30:28
something better than me, something you know, higher power
30:31
they had. They raided my home this time
30:33
using my the informants address. So I was released on my own
30:38
recognizance from this incident. And the next day they sent an
30:42
informant asking me to if I would sell him some guns.
30:46
And I, I knew, I knew what they were doing.
30:49
I kind of laughed and said, buddy, you're a day late and a
30:50
dollar short. You know what I'm saying?
30:52
The police were here last night. They took them off, so fuck off,
30:55
right? So he kicks rocks.
30:57
So, and after that, it was it, it really got bad because I was
31:00
trying to hide the fact that I'd been arrested again and I was,
31:04
I'd lost connection to, to everybody.
31:06
I wasn't talking to my friends. I wasn't talking to the guys
31:09
that I did, you know, did crime with.
31:12
I wasn't talking to my brother as he wouldn't let me see his
31:15
kids. My cousin got into recovery and
31:19
he wouldn't speak with me. And my other cousin was
31:22
unfortunately still out there. He, him and I were on, you know,
31:27
sparse talking terms. I lost connection to the girl
31:31
that I was living with. The only connection I had was to
31:33
the to the drug and to the dog. You know, after a few weeks
31:39
after they raided my home and took the guns, the informant was
31:42
actually my neighbor. He decided he was going to pump
31:46
18 rounds of buckshot into my home while I was sleeping,
31:49
missing me but hitting my girl and and she was, she was OK and
31:58
she's fine. But after that, you know, she
32:02
couldn't sleep in that place anymore.
32:04
And even though, you know, I was, I was, I wasn't, I wouldn't
32:08
act as a witness. I was a hostile witness.
32:11
I told them, you know, how do I know who shot the police?
32:14
Where I come from, you don't stick your head out the window
32:16
when there's bullets flying at you.
32:18
For all I know it was you guys. The cops didn't like that too
32:21
much, but they did their own investigation and apparently the
32:25
neighbor was charged with the attempt murder times too, which
32:30
he eventually, I guess pled guilty to.
32:32
I don't, I don't know. I didn't follow the case, but I
32:37
couldn't live in there anymore. You know, the place was shot to
32:39
shit and then the police destroyed it while they were
32:42
doing their investigation, right?
32:43
Trying to find some more of my shit, I guess.
32:45
I don't know. So excuse me.
32:48
It was back-to-back to hotels, back to, you know, renting rooms
32:52
back to just progressively worse and worse and worse until I, I
32:58
guess then I just decided, you know, I, I, I, I, that's right
33:01
around the time I was ready to give it up.
33:03
I mean, I, I was able to stop drinking.
33:05
I was able to stop using cocaine, but I just could not
33:08
kick the fucking opium. You know, I just couldn't kick
33:12
it. I, no matter what I did, I
33:14
couldn't do it. So I ended up getting, I was
33:17
leaving that area to come into the city here to pick up a, a
33:21
package, which I was I was planning on distributing.
33:26
Obviously, I ended up getting popped on my way out of town
33:32
from there. Thank God, again, by the grace
33:34
of God, because how I've been getting how I got popped on my
33:36
way into town, you know, it would have been a mess.
33:41
I was I was arrested with with a replica firearm and a
33:52
bulletproof vest, 1/2 ounce of crystal methamphetamine in my
33:57
pocket that went straight into the suitcase and when I was
34:02
weighed in the jail I was weighed in at 130 lbs soaking
34:05
wet right? I was dying.
34:07
Wow. Yeah, but you're like 6364. 61
34:10
on 6/1 a 195 lbs today. Geez.
34:14
So 130 lbs soaking wet. Want a bag of change in my
34:18
pocket? That is when the, you know, I
34:25
still wasn't ready to give it up.
34:26
I I knew that the case with the raid was bogus.
34:31
They didn't find the drugs on me during this arrest.
34:33
It was another weapons charge, concealed.
34:35
But it was a replica firearm. It wasn't loaded.
34:39
I hadn't pulled it on anybody. You know, the bulletproof vest
34:42
was not exactly illegal. So I'm thinking in my head.
34:46
Yeah, well, actually, to be honest, I wasn't thinking
34:49
anything. In my head.
34:49
I wasn't thinking anything except I need some fucking
34:51
opium. I was placed into a cell.
34:55
Luckily for me, it was a guy that I knew from the streets.
34:59
He'd been in there for a little while.
35:00
I, you know, I, I popped up the package.
35:03
So I was, I, I lasted maybe 24 or 48 hours before I was just
35:08
done. I ended up giving away that
35:10
package of dope and and being taken to the Infirmary where I
35:15
spent 10 days, you know, rocking and rolling.
35:18
Detoxing, yeah. Detoxing, hallucinating,
35:21
absolutely hallucinating. I, I remember sitting in my own
35:25
private hospital room cell with the hospital bed and my own
35:29
television and I and I was watching a television program
35:31
called the Nonas, but it wasn't a cooking show, bro.
35:34
It was about this, this this organized crime family out of
35:38
Cleveland that was burying bodies in a cemetery that yeah,
35:41
this show doesn't exist. I watched, I watched 7 episodes
35:44
of it, OK. And it's amazing.
35:46
I watched 7 episodes of a non existent program.
35:48
You literally created your show. I was, I was, I was out of my
35:52
fucking mind. I was out of my mind.
35:53
I can relate. Yeah, so, but but by the grace
35:57
of God, they they, they, they kept me there.
35:59
And I just, you know, I called my baby brother.
36:02
I says, look, I need you to move a little bit of money around for
36:04
me, for my accounts. You say whatever, buddy, you're
36:07
an asshole. I'm like, yeah, I know.
36:09
And then after a couple more phone calls, he says, look what
36:12
you know, do you want to live or do you want to die?
36:16
And he offered to come and post my bail if I agreed to go to
36:20
treatment. At first, I rejected his offer.
36:24
No, no, Sir. No, thank you.
36:26
I will fucking do my time and continue to live like an
36:30
asshole. Appreciate it.
36:31
I love you. But no, a couple more phone
36:34
calls, you know, hey, this is your this is your nephew you
36:37
haven't met puts him on the phone with me, you know, and
36:41
talking to my stepdad, who I hadn't spoken to in a long time
36:44
and, and another friend of mine from here.
36:47
That's it's been a friend of mine, a lifelong friend of mine.
36:50
And, and they were able to talk a little sense into me and, and
36:57
I, and that's when, that was when, when, when I spoke to my
37:00
nephew on the phone for the first time from the Windsor
37:04
bucket with the option to, you know, to move forward.
37:09
I had had maybe 10 days away from my last use.
37:16
I was getting my Suboxone from the guys in the jail, not the,
37:19
not the guards, not the doctors. They refused my treat.
37:23
They refused to treat me. They, they were aware that I had
37:26
smuggled a package into the joint.
37:28
They just didn't catch me with it.
37:30
So they were not helping me out at all, you know.
37:33
So I agreed. I agreed, gratefully agreed, you
37:37
know, and the arrangements were made.
37:41
My baby brother travelled all the way out there to pick me up,
37:45
took me to a hotel for the night.
37:46
It was like, it was like we unskipped a beat, you know, he
37:50
was, he was there for me. He was all the way there for me.
37:54
You know, he brought me home to his home, which he gives all the
37:59
credit to the program. He credits the program with all
38:02
of the things in his life today and and I love him.
38:06
He's my brother. I love him, you know, so he took
38:09
me to the NA. Orkna that like that?
38:13
Month, I guess, the conference. Yeah, the conference was around
38:16
that month, maybe a week or two since I've gotten released.
38:18
And I went to Orkna and I got a real, a real taste of, of
38:23
Narcotics Anonymous for the first time with an open mind, an
38:26
open heart. And, and I, and I remember
38:31
saying to him, I says, you know, bro, if it's between getting
38:34
high and, and, and having you in my life, you know, let's go,
38:39
right, let's do this. So I, you know, went to the
38:43
detox program a couple times. I was going to, I was set up to
38:46
go to a, a rehab facility that my buddy had suggested.
38:50
He, he's friendly with the staff there and the detox program was
38:56
very good. It was the York Region detox
38:57
program. They were, you know, phenomenal.
39:02
Right before, like one hour before I was to leave for that
39:06
rehabilitation, the farm or whatever, they declined my, my
39:14
application. You know, it was all set to go.
39:16
I bought all the farm boots and all this stuff and they're like,
39:19
no, we can't take them. Not with that ankle bracelet and
39:21
Suboxone. No, no, no, no.
39:24
OK, Well, the universe has other plans for me, right?
39:27
So back to my brother's house. OK, back to detox, back to
39:31
Brian's. But I was clean, right?
39:33
I was clean. After a little while, I started
39:37
to, I'd had some, you know, 60 days, 90 days from my last use.
39:42
I'm on Suboxone. My dose is leveled out.
39:47
I'm. I'm going to program with my
39:50
brother. He's taking me to NA.
39:52
I'm not happy about it. I'm still unhappy about it back
39:54
at that time. I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm trying to
39:57
be, you know, I'm trying to be, but I wasn't yet.
40:00
But I started to get that community.
40:02
I started to get, you know, hugs, not drugs.
40:04
And I started to try to go into my mind, like when I would go
40:10
and I would hear the readings, you know, I always had these,
40:13
these resentments, these. These little, quick, quick
40:16
little responses in my brain about, about this and that this
40:19
is an argument with the, with the, with the language and
40:21
literature. And, and after a while, I, I
40:24
said, you know, I, I, I'm going to just meditate through the
40:27
preamble, you know, to open up my, open up my, my system to be
40:31
more receptive of, of the language instead of arguing with
40:34
it. So I consciously, even till now,
40:36
I, you might catch me in a meeting and during the preamble,
40:38
you'll see me, you know, you know, and, and people may think
40:42
I'm, I'm ignoring or I'm, or I'm putting somewhere else, but I'm
40:44
not, I'm, I'm right there. I'm trying to sponge up that,
40:47
that good stuff that, that the program has to offer, you know,
40:50
and, and just to, to rewire my own ideas and let, let go of
40:55
those, those kind of resentments and stuff.
40:57
So it's, it's, it's been, it's been helpful.
41:00
It's, it's definitely not hurtful.
41:02
I the anxiety or I used to get a high anxiety state when I would
41:05
walk into the rooms physical, you know, physical anxiety.
41:10
But after using some other outside, you know, outside of
41:16
the program ideologies around consciousness, you know,
41:23
neuroplasticity and, and, and some of these other ideas and,
41:27
and implementing the yoga nidra practices and, you know, reality
41:32
Co creation practices and stuff like this, which is, which is
41:37
for me, it's, it's a really fundamental part of my program,
41:41
you know, cuz being on, I've been under house arrest for the
41:43
past 16 months, right? And as much as my brother would
41:47
love to take me to 90 and 90, he's got a job and, and two kids
41:50
and, and a wife and a house and a life, you know, so it's, it's
41:54
not really, it's not really, you know, feasible.
41:57
So I had to find other, other avenues of recovery, which is
42:02
fine. You know, it's no problem,
42:05
right? I'm living the dream, you know.
42:09
So I like to find a combination. I like to take as many angles as
42:15
I can get and and and watch for the, you know, the
42:20
synchronicities and then and then mold my recovery.
42:27
Yeah, it's a good point, though, too, is like, I was always
42:30
taught that, you know, humans will fail us eventually, right?
42:33
No matter how much they care, no matter how much they'll show up
42:35
for you. Yeah.
42:37
I can't rely on a human for everything, right?
42:40
And you mentioned it perfectly. Is like, you got to turn to this
42:42
power greater than yourself, right?
42:44
Whether that's God, the universe, I don't care as long
42:47
as it's not me today, right? I can have my own conception of
42:50
it. And it seems like at that time
42:53
you were sort of forced into that.
42:55
And now it's become a part of of your life and your practice.
42:58
I want to ask you, what do you think kept you?
43:01
What do you think kept you out there so long using?
43:05
Well, I guess fear, shame, desire, you know, no awareness
43:15
around anything better. Once I got clean, Once I got
43:22
clean, I I was watching a podcast.
43:25
It's it's a guy called well, it's it's a, it's a Co creation
43:31
podcast or, or YouTube channel. Anyway, he had a guest on and
43:36
the, the thumbnail for the, for the, for the show was it says an
43:43
Angel in a human body, right? And I'm like, yeah, fuck off,
43:47
right? You know, what the, what are you
43:48
talking about? And I was going to just pass it
43:50
over, right? But I really like this guy's
43:52
stuff. Like he's, he's really good with
43:54
what he does. So I says, OK, you know what,
43:56
I'm going to check it out. So I put it on and this woman
44:00
comes on and she starts telling us how she's an Angel in a human
44:04
body. And she got her angelic name
44:06
from the, you know, angelic realms.
44:07
And she talks to her guides like we're talking to each other.
44:10
And I'm about ready to turn it off.
44:12
You know, I'm thinking she's a loon from the moon, right?
44:15
And she starts telling my story. She starts telling my story.
44:19
She starts telling us how she had a a near death experience as
44:23
a child. I believe it was a drowning in
44:27
her case. And she'd had an awakening at
44:32
that time. And she came back different and
44:35
she came back different. And it was a hardship for her
44:39
for many, many years. So she had turned to drugs and
44:41
alcohol. And the key take away for me
44:45
from her story was that we are conditioned here, especially in
44:50
the West, to believe that the only way we can feel those high
44:56
vibrations that alcohol and drugs bring, even though they're
45:00
fake and they only last short time and they come with a lot of
45:02
harm, the only way we can feel those those high vibrational
45:05
frequencies is through drugs and alcohol.
45:08
But that's the lie. That's the lie, right?
45:11
We can feel those high vibrational frequencies through
45:14
meditation, through Wellness practices, through yoga,
45:18
through, you know, through just just by raising our vibration,
45:22
our inner vibration, our emotional state and keeping it
45:25
there. You know, she, she was, she was
45:29
serious. Had she been, had it been in a
45:30
12 step meeting, I would have been, you know, begging her to
45:32
respond to me. You know what I mean?
45:34
I heard a story and it was my story.
45:36
It was just from a different, a different perspective.
45:39
And basically what I was doing, what I didn't know I was doing
45:43
at the time, but what I was doing was I was trying to reach
45:46
that unconditional love that we come from, that we're headed to
45:50
one day. And I was trying to have it here
45:53
in the third density. And the only way I knew how to
45:55
manufacture it was with drugs and alcohol.
45:58
And that's what I was seeking. I was seeking death, not in a
46:01
negative way. Death for me is not a negative
46:04
thing. As sure as we're born, one day
46:06
we're going to die. It's a natural process.
46:07
It's transition. It's not afterlife, it's just
46:10
life. But it's not third density life.
46:15
It's just life. It's just a transition.
46:17
We don't, we don't, we don't really die.
46:19
Our bodies die, but our consciousness exists outside of
46:22
our bodies. And, and, and I mean, until
46:24
somebody experiences it, then they're, I can't really tell
46:28
them. I can't really like, I can't
46:30
make them know. All I can do is share my
46:33
experience, right? And for me, it's, no, it's not a
46:36
belief. It's, it's an, it's annoying
46:38
through experiential, you know, knowledge, right?
46:40
It's experiential knowledge. It's it's annoying from, from,
46:43
from my experiences because, and I'll tell you this, because
46:47
when, when I got clean, I was backtracking and second guessing
46:53
my experiences. Was I really out of my body?
46:57
Was I my body dead and I was not?
46:59
Was that real? Or was I just hallucinating from
47:02
overdose? Fair question, right?
47:06
That led me to really, I mean, obsess is not the right word to
47:12
use, but I was very highly motivated to, to learn the
47:17
practices of these yogis and shaman and so forth, too, to be
47:24
able to exit my body sober as a judge.
47:29
And after about 8 months or nine months of clean time, I've had
47:35
some, you know, some limited successes.
47:37
I don't really leave my body with intention.
47:39
Like I'm not going to come over to your house, see what you're
47:41
watching on TV and then call you in the morning and freak you
47:43
out, Right. It's not like that.
47:44
I saw you last night. Yeah, it's not like that.
47:46
But I, but I have found myself, you know, conscious that I'm
47:49
sitting in my chair, conscious of my breaths.
47:52
But I open my eyes and I'm out in my backyard looking in the
47:56
window where I go to smoke, you know, and I see myself in the
47:58
backyard. I could see my and I go to take
48:00
a dragon, my smoke. And I'm like, wait a second, I'm
48:03
not smoking, I'm in my chair. And it's like, holy F man.
48:06
Wow. Right.
48:08
And, and some other, you know, some other short, short
48:12
experiences similar to that. It's, it's, it's not the same as
48:15
dreaming. It, it, it does have a dreamlike
48:17
quality. Near death experiences, out of
48:20
body experiences and lucid dreaming.
48:23
They're they're similar, but they're different.
48:25
In my experience, they've been very similar, but also very
48:28
different. They have different tangible
48:30
qualities to them. So with with those experiences
48:36
adding to my, adding to my, the confirmation for me that I am a
48:44
spiritual being having a human experience.
48:46
I continue to progress into lucid dream work where you know,
48:52
you're, you're, you're going to run asleep, but you're, you
48:55
light up your frequent prefrontal cortex and you, you
48:59
wake up within your dream. At first, I would spend a lot of
49:02
time flying around and striking things with lightning, you know,
49:05
like this God complex of mind. And after a few, after a few
49:10
sessions like that, I started to get boring.
49:12
Well, why am I really doing this?
49:14
You know, so today when I go into those states, I will take
49:18
the time to ask the universe, what am I doing here?
49:20
What am I supposed to be doing? You know, or I will find myself
49:25
in a, in a, in some kind of horrible knife fight situation
49:29
in a prison wall and I'll realize, oh, wait a minute, I'm
49:31
dreaming and I'll jump over the wall and I'll just go meditate,
49:34
you know, and, and it's brought me, it's brought me an insane
49:39
amount of peace. You know, it's, it's brought me
49:41
to a point where I'm still, I'm still early in my step work
49:48
progress where I, it's unfortunate for me that I, I
49:56
have so much of a stubborn sick head where I, I, I read the
50:01
words, I, I see the language, I get frustrated.
50:04
I, I, I still have these little arguments in my head.
50:06
So I'm taking my time around doing my step work, you know,
50:10
and, and, and as I'm moving forward with it, I'm finding a
50:15
lot of questions around like things that seem to be like OCD
50:20
related. I'm not very deep into it yet.
50:22
So I'm not judging the whole book by the first, you know, few
50:25
questions. I, I myself, I don't like, I
50:29
will obsess if I pick up. If I pick up and I got it in
50:32
front of me, I will obsessively use it until it's gone or I'm
50:35
dead. That's it.
50:36
No problem. I get it.
50:38
But I don't have those types of compulsive thoughts around
50:44
anything else in my life. I never really have and I don't,
50:47
I don't see myself having them on a regular basis.
50:52
So, and I think some of that is due because I, I did, when I
50:55
first got home, I did have some recurring thoughts of past
51:00
experiences, you know, traumas and, and less than preferable
51:04
experiences that would pop into my head, especially during
51:07
meditations. What I learned, I learned as a
51:10
skill, you know, I learned how to allow those thoughts to drift
51:14
away like clouds in the sky and return to focus of the breath,
51:17
you know, and, and to, to enter that vibrational state and, and,
51:22
and listen for the, for the space between thoughts, you
51:26
know, because I think that's where higher consciousness
51:28
resides. And it's like you said, that's
51:30
where we get the answers, you know?
51:33
And the direction, right, you know, I love that.
51:36
What are sort of your like essentials in recovery daily?
51:40
Like what does that look like to you?
51:42
Well, I gotta make, make my bed. Yeah, I gotta get.
51:45
You know, a lot of people laugh at that one, but it's it's true.
51:47
I was taught that in treatment, too.
51:48
It's like you start off the day with doing one good thing.
51:50
Yeah. You get up, you make your bed.
51:54
I I definitely have to limit my exposure to negative content.
51:58
You know, I listen to conscious music.
52:02
I generally watch only uplifting or like science fiction type of
52:08
movies. I limit my exposure to negative
52:11
content. I, I, I surround myself with
52:17
people in recovery. You know, I, I, I don't accept
52:21
friend requests from people from my old, my old Facebook account.
52:26
I changed my Facebook account, new YouTube, new Instagram, all
52:29
those things. When I do get the occasional
52:34
contact from people from that spectrum, if they're if they're
52:39
not in recovery and they want to see me, they have to come see me
52:42
at a meeting. As much as I love them, it's not
52:45
about them or their behavior. It's about me and my
52:49
susceptibility to joining that. Yeah, right.
52:52
It's a slippery slope, right? Yeah, yeah.
52:55
I'm also in a bit of a bubble though, too, right?
52:57
Like being under house arrest with the ankle monitor.
52:59
I, I, I, I've got a lot of help, you know, I'm getting a lot of
53:03
help, right? I've, I've met somebody in
53:06
recovery and. And she helps me a lot.
53:09
She helps me. She's like my brother.
53:12
She's she credits everything to her program, right?
53:16
And I spent a lot of time talking to my cousin who's,
53:19
who's, you know, gone ahead from me in this program.
53:23
They my cousin, my brother, they work in the industry of
53:26
recovery. You know, the people that I
53:29
surround myself with are, are good.
53:32
They have good recovery people, you know, And I also try to
53:34
gravitate to newcomers too. If I see a newcomer, I'm, I'm
53:38
extra weight, right? Like, I will give them cigarette
53:41
and I will give them my phone number.
53:42
Whether they, you know, choose to call me or not, It's, it's,
53:45
it's up to them. But yeah, those things, those
53:47
things are, are pretty key, you know, a little, a little bit of
53:52
exercise, obviously, right. And lots of coffee.
53:57
Yeah, lots of coffee. Same.
53:59
Need something right. Oh, that's great, man.
54:05
If you I'll ask you 22 last things and then we'll close it
54:08
out because it was it was good. I got a lot today.
54:12
I appreciate you coming down, Mike.
54:13
Thank you. What do you hope people get out
54:18
of your story? Well, anything that's going to
54:27
help them. Anything that can come from the
54:32
the horror shit show dumpster fire of my previous life that
54:37
can open the mind of the still suffering addict or help to
54:42
steer the course of the white knuckler or to, you know, even
54:46
to engage an argument from somebody who doesn't see it my
54:51
way. You know, as long as we're
54:52
engaging conversation and we're growing, you know what I mean?
54:57
I'm, I'm here to give away what was really given to me, you
55:00
know, and, and, and just raise the vibration, bro.
55:04
I just want to raise people vibration.
55:05
I love it man. And what's one thing that you
55:08
would say to somebody struggling right now, maybe a newcomer?
55:15
Well to a newcomer right now as of today's date bro I'm going to
55:20
give you guys this warning. I was talking to my doctor the
55:23
other day and as an ex cook he knows that I'm familiar with the
55:29
derivatives and combinations that go into today's narcotics
55:33
and he was given an alert warning that the xylazine is is
55:39
no more. Today we got to worry about
55:40
nitrozine. Nitrozine makes carfentanil look
55:44
like a fucking aspirin and it's in everything.
55:47
So even a legacy user like myself who survived it all and
55:52
can seem to punish myself over and over and over.
55:55
I go out there today, I leave the studio, I go hit the gas
55:58
station, I score from some guy I don't know.
56:00
I'm a fucking dead man. So there is life after recovery.
56:05
People love you. And you know what?
56:07
If you don't believe me, come to the program and I'll love you
56:10
until you can love yourself. I love it man.
56:12
Thanks so much Mike for coming down.
56:14
I appreciate you. Thanks for listening.
56:17
Please help us grow the channel and like, share and subscribe
56:20
for more content. The discussions and stories
56:23
shared on this podcast are for informational and motivational
56:26
purposes only. This content is not a substitute
56:29
for professional medical advice, addiction treatment, or therapy.
56:33
If you or someone you know is struggling with addiction,
56:36
please consult A licensed physician, addiction specialist,
56:39
or mental health professional. You are no longer.