Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #434 '13 Things Strong Kids Do' with Amy Morin

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#434 '13 Things Strong Kids Do' with Amy Morin · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

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Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast. It's the podcast for the
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Speaker 1: time poor parent who just wants answers.
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Speaker 2: Now, time doesn't heal anything. It's what you do with
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Speaker 2: your time that matters. So I like to tell people
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Speaker 2: our emotional wounds are like our physical.
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Speaker 3: Wounds, so you have to take care of them.
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Speaker 1: And now here's the stars of our show, my mum
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Speaker 1: and dad.
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Speaker 4: Hello, this is doctor Justin Coulson, the parenting expert on
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Speaker 4: Chillen Nin's Parental Guidance and the founder of Happy Families
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Speaker 4: dot com dot au. Unfortunately missus Happy Families, Kylie couldn't
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Speaker 4: be with us today. Every now and again these things
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Speaker 4: pop up and suddenly I'm doing the podcast on my own.
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Speaker 4: I miss her terribly, but I'm delighted to be able
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Speaker 4: to share the podcast today with a best selling author
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Speaker 4: from overseas. Amy Morien is a licensed clinical social worker
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Speaker 4: and instructor at Northeastern University and a psychotherapist, and she's
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Speaker 4: the author of the international bestseller Thirteen Things Mentally Strong
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Speaker 4: People Don't Do, Thirteen Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do,
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Speaker 4: and thirteen Things Mentally Strong Women Don't Do. Amy's done
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Speaker 4: a whole lot of other stuff, that is just brilliant.
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Speaker 4: But today we're going to talk about her book, Thirteen
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Speaker 4: Things Strong Kids Do. So Amy, thanks for being part
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Speaker 4: of the podcast.
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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me on your show.
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Speaker 4: So Amy, one of your books is called thirteen Things
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Speaker 4: Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do. That's not the book we're
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Speaker 4: going to spend most of our time on today, But
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Speaker 4: because this is a parenting podcast, I think we've got
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Speaker 4: to spend at least a couple of minutes talking about
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Speaker 4: thirteen Things Mentally Strong Parents Don't Do. Can we just
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Speaker 4: talk a bit about the challenges that you found when
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Speaker 4: you were researching the book and talking to parents, and
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Speaker 4: also their positive alternatives.
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Speaker 5: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: So a lot of parents struggle in terms of how
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Speaker 2: do you help kids in today's world. When they're sad,
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Speaker 2: we want to cheer them up, when they're struggling, we
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Speaker 2: want to fix things for them. It's quicker, it's easier
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Speaker 2: to just step in and take action for them. But
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Speaker 2: we know a lot of kids aren't getting the skills
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Speaker 2: that they need. When they looked at studies where they
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Speaker 2: ask college students, were you prepared for college? The vast
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Speaker 2: majority of them said academically yes, But the vast majority
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Speaker 2: of them also said emotionally, no, wasn't prepared. So I
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Speaker 2: wanted to write a book for parents to know. Okay,
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Speaker 2: how do you make sure that your kids have all
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Speaker 2: the emotional, social, and mental health skills that they need
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Speaker 2: to thrive in life.
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Speaker 4: But what's your background, like, what prompted this interest. You've
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Speaker 4: got a strong background in this area. But for our listeners,
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Speaker 4: just fill us in a bit on where you came
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Speaker 4: from and how you ended up being interested in this
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Speaker 4: in the first place.
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Speaker 3: Sure.
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Speaker 2: So, I'm a therapist and I thought I was going
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Speaker 2: to teach people about mental strength based on what I
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Speaker 2: learned in college.
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Speaker 3: But I went through a series of losses in my
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Speaker 3: own life.
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Speaker 2: My mother passed away suddenly, and at the age of
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Speaker 2: twenty six, I became a widow, and my husband passed away.
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Speaker 2: Then I lost my father in law, and after a
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Speaker 2: decade of grief. Throughout it all, I worked as a
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Speaker 2: therapist and really just studied the people who came into
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Speaker 2: my therapy office to figure out why some people went
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Speaker 2: through tough times and grew from it, and why other
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Speaker 2: people went through tough times and felt like they were stuck.
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Speaker 2: One of the things I realized fairly early on was
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Speaker 2: people who didn't have certain bad habits tended to do
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Speaker 2: better in life. That led to my first book, Thirteen
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Speaker 2: Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do. And when that book
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Speaker 2: came out, I had lots of questions from parents about
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Speaker 2: how do we teach this to kids? And for most
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Speaker 2: of my adult life I was a foster parent, so
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Speaker 2: and I was a therapeutic foster parent, which meant I
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Speaker 2: had a lot of kids who had the worst behavioral problems,
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Speaker 2: emotional issues, and mental health problems. And so I was
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Speaker 2: using the strategies that I was using at home and
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Speaker 2: figuring out how do I apply these things to my
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Speaker 2: therapy office as well?
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Speaker 3: And that's what led to the parenting book.
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Speaker 4: You highlighted that when some people came into your office
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Speaker 4: experiencing trauma, sadness, challenge, adversity, volatility in their lives, they
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Speaker 4: grew from it and there were some who didn't. Can
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Speaker 4: we talk about the people who didn't grow?
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Speaker 5: What? How were they doing that stopped their progression?
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Speaker 2: So a lot of people bought into that notion that
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Speaker 2: time heals everything, and so they waited, they waited to
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Speaker 2: see until they felt better, Like Okay, I went through
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Speaker 2: some tough times, horrible things happened to me. I just
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Speaker 2: sit and wait long enough, life will get better again.
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Speaker 2: And that's not true that time doesn't heal anything. It's
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Speaker 2: what you do with your time that matters. So I
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Speaker 2: like to tell people our emotional wounds are like our
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Speaker 2: physical wounds. You have to take care of them. Ignoring
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Speaker 2: them doesn't make them go away, it doesn't make them better.
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Speaker 2: And if you have a broken bone and you ignored it,
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Speaker 2: it might not heal properly. Same thing happens with our
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Speaker 2: emotional wounds. You have to take care of them. And
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Speaker 2: sometimes that's about talking to people about it. Sometimes it's
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Speaker 2: about embracing really uncomfortable emotions like sadness and anxiety, rather
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Speaker 2: than trying to go around those feelings, which is what
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Speaker 2: we often do. Is we try to make ourselves go
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Speaker 2: around it. We distract ourselves, we numb ourselves to the pain,
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Speaker 2: We do anything we can to feel better in the moment,
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Speaker 2: and we're not really healing our wounds.
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Speaker 5: Yeah.
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Speaker 4: Well, and the strong people, the people who grew, if
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Speaker 4: you were to pick three of the thirteen things that
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Speaker 4: they were doing, what really stood out is surprising habits,
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Speaker 4: surprising behaviors that aim to bring that healing things that they.
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Speaker 5: Actually do well.
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Speaker 2: I talk about what they don't do, so I'll tell
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Speaker 2: you those things so they don't waste time feeling sorry
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Speaker 2: for themselves.
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Speaker 3: So many people will say, no, you have to feel
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Speaker 3: sorry for yourself for a while.
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Speaker 2: Nope, actually you don't. It's good to be sad, but
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Speaker 2: self pity is when you start to magnify how bad
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Speaker 2: your life is. I mean, you become helpless and hopeless.
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Speaker 2: So people who are mentally strong refuse to do that.
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Speaker 2: They say, Okay, I'll let myself be sad, but I'm
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Speaker 2: not going to convince myself that my life is so
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Speaker 2: bad that it could never get better.
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Speaker 3: Another one is that mentally strong people don't give away
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Speaker 3: their power.
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Speaker 2: So often we say stuff like oh, so and so
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Speaker 2: makes me feel bad about myself, or my boss ruined
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Speaker 2: my day. When we say those things, we give somebody
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Speaker 2: else power over our lives.
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Speaker 3: And the truth is it's up to you to decide
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Speaker 3: how you.
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Speaker 2: Think, how you feel, and how you behave and taking
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Speaker 2: back your powers about saying nope, I'm in charge.
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Speaker 3: Just as my life.
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Speaker 2: I'm going to do everything I can and make the
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Speaker 2: best of it, I decide who I spend my time with,
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Speaker 2: how I spend it, what I'm.
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Speaker 3: Going to do today, all of those things.
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Speaker 2: And another one would be that mentally strong people don't
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Speaker 2: make the same mistakes over and over again, you know we.
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Speaker 2: I think it's almost glorified in today's world to make
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Speaker 2: a mistake, and I see so many people bragging about
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Speaker 2: their failures or how they messed up, but they don't
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Speaker 2: really learn from it. And it's tempting sometimes to hide
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Speaker 2: our mistakes or pretend they didn't happen until way down
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Speaker 2: the road, and then maybe once we succeed, we're like,
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Speaker 2: well I failed twice along the way, but we don't
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Speaker 2: want to talk about those things in the moment because
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Speaker 2: it's embarrassing or we don't know how the story's going
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Speaker 2: to end yet. And so it's really about figuring out, Okay,
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Speaker 2: you make a mistake, we all make them all the time, how.
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Speaker 3: Do you own it? And then how do you learn
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Speaker 3: from it?
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Speaker 4: So this all applies not just to us as individuals,
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Speaker 4: but applies to us as parents, and it applies to
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Speaker 4: our kids. Right after the break, we're going to talk
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Speaker 4: to Amy about thirty things strong kids.
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Speaker 5: Do and how we can help to raise our kids
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Speaker 5: to be resilient.
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Speaker 6: It's the Happy Families Podcast US Screens Creating Tension at home, betweens,
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Speaker 6: teens and Screens is a webinar to guide families to healthy,
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Speaker 6: safe superscreen solutions.
7:06
Speaker 4: Bye today at happy families dot com dot au slash shop.
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Speaker 4: It's the Happy Families Podcast, the podcast for the time
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Speaker 4: poor parent who just one's answers.
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Speaker 5: Now. This is doctor Justin Colson.
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Speaker 4: I'm hanging out with Amy Mourn today, who is from
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Speaker 4: the States and is a best selling author of a
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Speaker 4: multitude of books all about We're just going to call
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Speaker 4: the thirteen Things series thirteen Things Mentally Strong people Don't Do,
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Speaker 4: thirteen Things mentally strong parents Don't do. And today, or
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Speaker 4: for the rest of the podcast at least, we're going
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Speaker 4: to talk about her book Thirteen Things Strong Kids Do,
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Speaker 4: which has really captured our family. Our kids have been
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Speaker 4: spending their time in Amy's beautiful book, which has actually
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Speaker 4: written four kids and illustrated four kids and is set
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Speaker 4: out four kids, thirteen Things Strong Kids Do. And as
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Speaker 4: the school year sort of gets going, I think it's
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Speaker 4: important that we talk about these kinds of topics. I mean,
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Speaker 4: let's shift the focus to children. You've really that in
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Speaker 4: Things Strong kids do talk us through some of these
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Speaker 4: things and how we can encourage our children to practice them.
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Speaker 1: Yeah.
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Speaker 2: I really wanted to make it a book about if
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Speaker 2: kids learn how to do these things now, then when
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Speaker 2: they grow up, they might not have the bad habits
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Speaker 2: that adults tend to have, like feeling sorry for yourself.
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Speaker 2: So in this book, I'd try to talk about how
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Speaker 2: to persevere, how kids can get through tough times, how
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Speaker 2: they can cope with uncomfortable feelings, things that usually aren't
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Speaker 2: taught in school, things that our parents don't know how
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Speaker 2: to teach us. I wanted kids to learn Okay, it's okay.
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Speaker 2: I can get through tough times. I can learn from them.
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Speaker 2: I can make a mistake and own it. How do
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Speaker 2: I own my mistakes? How do I bounce back when
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Speaker 2: I fail? How do I get through these really difficult,
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Speaker 2: uncomfortable experiences in a way that help me grow stronger
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Speaker 2: and become better.
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Speaker 5: Aby.
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Speaker 4: At the start of our conversation, you talked about how
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Speaker 4: research shows that children are prepared for university life. They're
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Speaker 4: prepared for the academic aspects of their young adulthood, but
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Speaker 4: they're not prepared in any other way, socially, emotionally.
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Speaker 5: It's not all kids. Some kids are great, obviously, but
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Speaker 5: many aren't.
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Speaker 4: They move into that young adulthood transition in their lives
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Speaker 4: and even into adulthood and like you've just said, there,
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Speaker 4: they haven't figured out what these things are. They grow
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Speaker 4: up and kind of repeat our mistakes but in a
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Speaker 4: different context because we didn't have screens and they do,
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Speaker 4: or something like that. Why do you think that this
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Speaker 4: stuff is not taught in school? Why are we so
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Speaker 4: focused academically and so unbalanced in terms of teaching kids
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Speaker 4: about psychology? And I know it's partly because teachers aren't
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Speaker 4: trained to be psychologists and teach well being in resilience,
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Speaker 4: But there's got to be more to it than that.
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Speaker 2: I think we have this idea that kids will just
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Speaker 2: learn it as they go, like, okay, you're in school
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Speaker 2: learning about math, so somehow you'll then develop social skills
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Speaker 2: with this notion that that will sort of be the
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Speaker 2: secondary thing, and parents often think teachers will teach it,
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Speaker 2: and teachers often think parents are going to teach it,
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Speaker 2: and then it ends up that nobody teaches it, and
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Speaker 2: kids do learn a lot by odd They look at adults,
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Speaker 2: how do you guys get along?
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Speaker 3: What do you do when you disagree on something?
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Speaker 2: But we don't always role model awesome things for them,
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Speaker 2: and a lot of kids don't.
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Speaker 3: Have good role models at all.
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Speaker 2: So it's important to have conversations and to explain to
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Speaker 2: them too, why we make certain choices. If you decide
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Speaker 2: if you committed to going to something on Saturday, and
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Speaker 2: then you decide not to go, you might explain to
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Speaker 2: your kids, well, grandma got sick and I decided that's
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Speaker 2: more important. That's why I didn't go to that soccer
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Speaker 2: game I had said I was going to go watch.
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Speaker 2: Because otherwise, kids kind of draw their own conclusions about stuff,
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Speaker 2: And as a therapist, I'll see parents who are very
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Speaker 2: well meaning and they try to protect their kids from things,
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Speaker 2: but they.
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Speaker 3: Don't talk about it.
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Speaker 2: Then their kids draw their own conclusions like mom or
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Speaker 2: dad doesn't care about this, or mom or dad thinks
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Speaker 2: this is more important. And we shouldn't burden our kids
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Speaker 2: with adult responsibilities.
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Speaker 3: But sometimes they need to know.
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Speaker 2: I'm working over time because I don't like spending time
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Speaker 2: with you, but because I care about our family, and
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Speaker 2: this is why I'm working extra hours. Otherwise kids are
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Speaker 2: gonna be like, oh, mom or dad doesn't enjoy spending
11:04
Speaker 2: time with us, so therefore they work on Saturdays. Having
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Speaker 2: conversations like that with kids is really important, and also
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Speaker 2: being more aware of what we're modeling for them. Do
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Speaker 2: they see you get irritated and raise your voice. Do
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Speaker 2: they see you lose your temper or do they see
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Speaker 2: you working through things? Do you talk about feelings at home?
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Speaker 2: Like what do you do when you're sad? Usually we
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Speaker 2: don't teach kids how to deal with sad feelings. Instead,
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Speaker 2: we swoop in and try to cheer them up when
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Speaker 2: they're upset.
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Speaker 4: Let's talk about one of these things a couple of
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Speaker 4: times now. As we've had this conversation, you've talked about
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Speaker 4: how mentally strong people and kids don't feel sorry for themselves.
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Speaker 4: That's chapter one of thirteen things strong kids do. They
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Speaker 4: own their mistakes, they create their future, they take calculated risks,
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Speaker 4: they know when to say no. There's a whole lot
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Speaker 4: of other really beautiful ideas, but can you just give
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Speaker 4: us one or two take home messages. If you've got
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Speaker 4: one of those child who I mean school started, they've
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Speaker 4: gone to school, maybe they didn't get the teacher they wanted.
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Speaker 4: Maybe they're not in the not sitting in a table
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Speaker 4: group with their friends in class. Perhaps they've moved school
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Speaker 4: and they've got no friends. Maybe they've got a learning
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Speaker 4: disorder or some sort of disability that makes it really
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Speaker 4: hard for them to do school well. And maybe in
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Speaker 4: week two or week three, a week four of school,
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Speaker 4: they're starting to say, I feel sorry for myself.
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Speaker 5: This isn't what I want my life to be.
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Speaker 4: If there was one or two things that you could
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Speaker 4: say to parents to help them to help their kids
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Speaker 4: to not feel sorry for themselves but yet acknowledge that
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Speaker 4: this is really hard, how would you guide us.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, our tendency is often to tell them, well, it's
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Speaker 2: not that bad, or I would have loved to have
12:32
Speaker 2: had your problems when I.
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Speaker 3: Was a kid.
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Speaker 2: Those sorts of things are not helpful. You want to
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Speaker 2: validate their feelings. Yeah, that's really hard.
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Speaker 3: I know that's sad. Or let's be really difficult for you.
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Speaker 2: When kids feel heard, then they don't necessarily feel like
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Speaker 2: they have to keep arguing when you say it's not
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Speaker 2: that bad. They're busy focusing on all the reasons why
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Speaker 2: it is that bad and how you don't understand, so
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Speaker 2: just validate how they feel, even if you don't agree
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Speaker 2: with it, just saying putting a name to that feeling
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Speaker 2: like your it sounds like you're sad right now, or
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Speaker 2: I can well, you're probably disappointed. When they can name
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Speaker 2: their own emotion, eventually they'll catch on when you start
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Speaker 2: doing that. That takes a lot of the sting out
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Speaker 2: of it. So a kid who can say I'm sad
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Speaker 2: right now feels a little less sad as soon as
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Speaker 2: they put a label to it.
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Speaker 3: So that's one thing we can do. And another one
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Speaker 3: is to just make gratitude a process in your house.
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Speaker 2: You don't have to force kids to sit down and
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Speaker 2: just write think you notes when they get a gift,
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Speaker 2: but instead you can make it about recognizing that there
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Speaker 2: is good things. Even in really bad things that happen,
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Speaker 2: sometimes good things can come out of it. And sometimes
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Speaker 2: parents do this thing where they're like, there's a kid
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Speaker 2: somewhere who would love to eat.
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Speaker 3: Those vegetables and you're going to throw them away. That
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Speaker 3: doesn't make anybody feel grateful.
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Speaker 2: But instead you can talk about that gift that maybe
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Speaker 2: somebody got them, not just let's write a thank you
13:43
Speaker 2: note for that T shirt, but instead spend some time
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Speaker 2: thinking Wow, imagine that person shopping and picking out that gift.
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Speaker 3: For you, And when we think about that, it kind.
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Speaker 2: Of flips the switch and makes us realize this person
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Speaker 2: cares about me, and it's no longer about the material possession,
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Speaker 2: but it's about being grateful for the people that you
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Speaker 2: have in your life and the kind things that they
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Speaker 2: do for you.
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Speaker 4: Amy, really appreciate you sharing some ideas with us today.
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Speaker 4: Amy Moron is the author of Thirteen Things Strong Kids Do,
14:09
Speaker 4: Think Big, Feel Good, Act Brave, and a couple of
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Speaker 4: other best sellers about thirteen things strong parents Don't do
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Speaker 4: or mentally strong people don't do. What a privilege to
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Speaker 4: talk to you. Thanks so much for your time today.
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Speaker 3: Thank you so much for having me on your show.
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Speaker 4: The Happy Famili's podcast is produced by Justin Ruland from
14:26
Speaker 4: Bridge Media.
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Speaker 5: Craig Bruce is our executive producer.
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Speaker 4: If you'd like more info about making your family happier,
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Speaker 4: you can check out Amy's books the Thirteen Things series,
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Speaker 4: especially thirteen Things Strong Kids Do. We'll link to that
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Speaker 4: in the show notes so that you can pick up
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Speaker 4: a copy. Alternatively, for a whole lot of other ways
14:42
Speaker 4: to make your family happier. Visit happyfamilies dot com dot
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Speaker 4: au