Latest / Brain Stories / Episode 12 - Payal: The True Cost of Family Peace

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Episode 12 - Payal: The True Cost of Family Peace · Brain Stories

0:00
SPEAKER_00: I first met Pyle Patel when she was leading a weekly class for families that was basically mental illness 101.
0:07
SPEAKER_00: This was at the beginning of the pandemic when the lockdown came.
0:14
SPEAKER_00: Pyle had moved back into her parents' house because she was close with her family.
0:18
SPEAKER_00: The class had moved online.
0:21
SPEAKER_00: So Pyle taught from in front of a computer in her bedroom.
0:24
SPEAKER_00: She was confident and directive, but she always kept her headphones on and her voice down.
0:31
SPEAKER_00: The class involved a lot of reading out loud, but she'd often delegate that to others who were in their homes.
0:37
SPEAKER_00: In fact, she didn't talk much at all.
0:40
SPEAKER_00: It was almost as if she was avoiding the very subject of the class.
0:44
SPEAKER_00: One day, she finally revealed that the wall of her brother's room was right next to hers.
0:49
SPEAKER_00: He was in his 30s and living with a mental illness.
0:52
SPEAKER_00: She was concerned that if he heard what she was saying, he'd get really upset.
0:57
SPEAKER_00: Of course, Pyle was gonna whisper.
1:00
SPEAKER_00: Pyle went on to say that her brother was not accepting any treatment.
1:04
SPEAKER_00: In fact, he'd never even seen a doctor or clinician.
1:07
SPEAKER_00: Right then I got this vivid image.
1:09
SPEAKER_00: There was this wall in her home, thin enough that you could hear through it.
1:13
SPEAKER_00: On one side, Pyle was educating people about mental illness, and on the other, her brother was living with one.
1:23
SPEAKER_00: Two starkly different worlds, separated by a couple of pieces of drywall and a coat of paint.
1:29
SPEAKER_00: It turned out that her brother had been holed up on his side of the wall for more than a decade.
1:34
SPEAKER_00: All I could do was wonder, how could this have gone on for so long?
1:40
SPEAKER_00: This is a story of how a family can live on pause, even in the sanctity of their own home.
1:46
SPEAKER_00: But it's also the story of how one of them, at least so far, has tunneled through the mountain of Stuck and emerged into the daylight.
1:56
SPEAKER_00: Coming up on Brain Stories, a show about one of the most bewildering mysteries of the human experience, mental illness, told by people who live with it and those who support them.
2:06
SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Frank Cosa.
2:20
SPEAKER_00: Pyle Patel was born in Southern California.
2:23
SPEAKER_00: Her brother was born three and a half years later.
2:26
SPEAKER_00: Their parents had both come to the U.S.
2:28
SPEAKER_00: from India, their dad from Mumbai, and their mom from Bangalore.
2:32
SPEAKER_00: After studying and settling in the U.S., Pyle's dad got a job at NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory, famous for launching the Voyager missions.
2:41
SPEAKER_00: In 1980, they bought a home in Pomona, California, a city where thousands of first and second generation Indian families lived.
2:50
SPEAKER_00: That's where Pyle and her brother grew up.
2:52
SPEAKER_00: Pyle loved the place, and especially the warmth of her family home.
2:56
SPEAKER_01: My parents were very easy to talk to, very open.
3:00
SPEAKER_01: One thing that my dad had was like he was very jovial, like always cracking jokes, funny.
3:07
SPEAKER_01: That kind of lightened the mood all the time for our family dynamic.
3:11
SPEAKER_01: I just remember even when we'd go out to dinners and stuff, me and my brother would just be laughing the whole time because my dad was just making like silly jokes, or like I always felt like it was such an easy family dynamic.
3:25
SPEAKER_01: Like I have a very, very fond memories of my whole family, including my brother, like everybody.
3:31
SPEAKER_00: A part of those memories that she especially enjoyed was that her dad, like a number of dads, had his own band.
3:38
SPEAKER_00: Unlike most dad bands, his played a mix of Bollywood songs and traditional Hindu music.
3:44
SPEAKER_00: Pyle's mom was shy, but her dad convinced her mom to join the band, where she became a lead singer.
3:51
SPEAKER_00: This is a tape of them performing.
4:11
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, I mean, music was just a big part of my upbringing.
4:14
SPEAKER_01: It was just amazing listening to the live music and very therapeutic, and that's why I still love music so much.
4:24
SPEAKER_00: Pyle's connection to India was strong, in part because of their community, but also because a lot of her mom and dad's family still lived in India.
4:33
SPEAKER_00: And every three years when Pyle was growing up, her parents sent her and her brother for summer-long trips to stay with their extended family.
4:40
SPEAKER_01: Every time we were just about to land, me and my brother would be so excited.
4:45
SPEAKER_01: I can't wait to see everybody.
4:46
SPEAKER_01: And right when we'd get to the airport, somebody would pick us up.
4:50
SPEAKER_01: Like I it was either like my aunt, or sometimes they'd bring my cousins, and that feeling of just seeing the family after three years.
4:58
SPEAKER_01: Yeah, me and my brother shared that joy together.
5:01
SPEAKER_01: Like that was always the best feeling.
5:07
SPEAKER_00: Back in California, Pyle made her way through the milestones that marked a middle-class American life.
5:13
SPEAKER_00: Finishing high school, going off to college, getting a job.
5:16
SPEAKER_00: Pyle returned to live with her parents after she finished her degree, while her brother moved to nearby Los Angeles after college, trying to break into the entertainment industry.
5:25
SPEAKER_00: But things didn't seem like they were working out for her brother.
5:28
SPEAKER_01: I started noticing some signs, like, even though he's living in LA, I'm not saying you need to always have money or whatever, right?
5:35
SPEAKER_01: But every time we would go out, he's like, Pyle, I don't have money, can you spot me?
5:40
SPEAKER_01: I don't have money to pay for mom and papa's anniversary dinner.
5:43
SPEAKER_01: Can you spot me?
5:44
SPEAKER_01: Can you spot me?
5:45
SPEAKER_01: I don't mind doing that at all.
5:46
SPEAKER_01: But I'm like, where are you living?
5:48
SPEAKER_01: What are you doing?
5:49
SPEAKER_01: Even his address in LA, I'm like, I didn't, I don't know where he was.
5:55
SPEAKER_00: After about a year, Pyle's brother moved back into the family home.
5:59
SPEAKER_00: The reason he gave was that he wanted to save money.
6:02
SPEAKER_01: He still had friends, he was still socializing, he still had a job.
6:05
SPEAKER_00: But gradually that changed.
6:07
SPEAKER_01: Then I saw this pattern progressively over in a matter of like four or five years.
6:12
SPEAKER_01: It wasn't happen overnight.
6:14
SPEAKER_01: He stopped working, couldn't keep up a job, complete isolation, would not talking to anybody.
6:21
SPEAKER_00: It was worrisome.
6:22
SPEAKER_00: But because it was so incremental and nothing especially dramatic happened, it didn't trigger any alarms until one evening in 2010.
6:30
SPEAKER_01: We were sitting on the couch, it was me, my mom, my dad, and my brother.
6:34
SPEAKER_01: And I think we had just come back from like someone's birthday dinner.
6:38
SPEAKER_01: And out of nowhere, he just started crying like hysterical.
6:42
SPEAKER_01: And my mom was like, What happened?
6:44
SPEAKER_01: What happened?
6:44
SPEAKER_01: And he's like, Everyone's following me.
6:47
SPEAKER_01: They're just following me.
6:48
SPEAKER_01: Do you see the airplanes?
6:50
SPEAKER_01: The airplanes, they're all there for me.
6:52
SPEAKER_01: They're following me.
6:55
SPEAKER_00: She tried to respond as best she could.
6:58
SPEAKER_01: I had to think about is there some truth to this?
7:01
SPEAKER_01: And then when you think logically about the stuff he was saying, it actually doesn't make sense.
7:05
SPEAKER_01: But he was really believing it, right?
7:07
SPEAKER_01: So you want to be there to support your sibling, and you're like, okay, let's figure this out.
7:12
SPEAKER_01: Well, like who's following you?
7:14
SPEAKER_01: Like, you know, even my dad was like, Can you tell me who's following you?
7:17
SPEAKER_01: Let's figure it out.
7:18
SPEAKER_01: And he couldn't articulate anything.
7:20
SPEAKER_01: And then after I had that kind of that reality check of wait, the stuff he's saying does not make sense.
7:28
SPEAKER_01: And that's when I got this overwhelming feeling of, okay, there's something deeper going on here.
7:33
SPEAKER_00: Pyle's brother was experiencing what clinicians call a psychotic episode.
7:38
SPEAKER_00: In time, he would say that a film company he had worked for in LA was after him, that they were bugging his room, and eventually that his family was in on it too.
7:49
SPEAKER_00: But at that moment, when he was crying hysterically and in complete distress, neither Pyle nor her parents knew a thing about mental illness.
7:57
SPEAKER_00: What Pyle did know was that her brother used drugs, weed for sure, maybe stronger stuff.
8:03
SPEAKER_00: And she thought all this behavior was from the drugs.
8:07
SPEAKER_00: Her parents knew something wasn't right, but they wished fervently and with all their heart for whatever it was to just go away.
8:16
SPEAKER_00: Pyle's brother cooled down after his outburst.
8:19
SPEAKER_00: And after that one time, he didn't bring it up.
8:22
SPEAKER_00: Her parents didn't either.
8:24
SPEAKER_00: Silence seemed better than poking the bear to everyone except Pyle.
8:29
SPEAKER_01: I tried having a lot of conversations with him.
8:32
SPEAKER_01: I remember about a few months after his first episode, he was in his room, and I don't know what he was saying.
8:39
SPEAKER_01: He was frustrated about something, and I just remember I walked in and I said, You know, if you ever need anybody to talk to, I'm always here.
8:46
SPEAKER_01: And I started crying.
8:48
SPEAKER_01: And he was in that mode where he couldn't really talk to him, but I just wanted him to at least hear it.
8:53
SPEAKER_01: And he was kind of like, I don't know what you mean by that.
8:55
SPEAKER_01: And I just felt like, okay, I want him to know I'm here in case he needs that support.
9:02
SPEAKER_01: And I didn't want him to suffer in silence.
9:06
SPEAKER_00: But silence is what descended on the house, along with suffering.
9:11
SPEAKER_00: Her brother wouldn't talk about it.
9:12
SPEAKER_00: Her parents wouldn't either.
9:14
SPEAKER_00: Finding no one to go to for that conversation, Pyle became quiet by default.
9:19
SPEAKER_00: This is when the family began living in a suspended state.
9:23
SPEAKER_00: Pyle's brother was now almost always in his room.
9:26
SPEAKER_00: No job, no friends, largely isolated.
9:29
SPEAKER_00: No one spoke about it, not inside the house or outside.
9:33
SPEAKER_00: And there was nothing to indicate that this was ever going to change.
9:36
SPEAKER_00: What the situation lacked was a crisis.
9:40
SPEAKER_00: That was something Pyle's parents, like so many others, really wanted to avoid.
9:46
SPEAKER_00: And to some extent, avoidance could be bought.
9:48
SPEAKER_01: I think my dad started paying for peace, so he was giving my brother money so there could be peace in the house.
9:55
SPEAKER_01: Because if once my brother gets his whatever he's getting, weed or whatever, he is kind of calm.
10:02
SPEAKER_01: And that's I think that's kind of what happened.
10:08
SPEAKER_00: The calm that came with the cannabis included things that inspired hope.
10:12
SPEAKER_00: Pal's brother took their parents' dogs out for a walk.
10:16
SPEAKER_00: He'd go to the store to buy groceries, and he'd cook for himself.
10:20
SPEAKER_00: These things were tantalizing.
10:22
SPEAKER_00: Her parents craved for signs that he was okay.
10:26
SPEAKER_00: And in a way, that craving became almost another kind of addiction.
10:30
SPEAKER_00: But there were also clear costs.
10:32
SPEAKER_00: One was the isolation.
10:34
SPEAKER_00: Hyle's brother mostly shut himself up in his room.
10:38
SPEAKER_00: Sometimes he would go days without showering.
10:40
SPEAKER_00: And when he cooked, he declared that no one else could enter the kitchen because of his fear of germs and contamination.
10:47
SPEAKER_00: Then there was the tension, which was always in the house.
10:51
SPEAKER_00: So unlike things used to be.
10:54
SPEAKER_00: But the family lived with it and the belief that if they maintained this fragile equilibrium, things would get better.
11:02
SPEAKER_01: I felt like it would work itself out, and maybe it was a phase.
11:04
SPEAKER_01: But of course, deep down I knew it wasn't completely normal, and so I was struggling with that a little bit, but I just kind of I don't think I addressed it the way I should have.
11:15
SPEAKER_00: After two years, it hadn't worked itself out.
11:19
SPEAKER_00: So Pyle got her own place and moved out because the dynamics in the house were making her crazy.
11:25
SPEAKER_01: Me getting frustrated that my parents aren't doing anything, and then my brother, because he's clearly he's not getting help, so I'm getting frustrated with his actions, I'm getting frustrated with my parents' actions, I'm getting frustrated with the way my brother treats my parents, it just becomes a very toxic environment.
11:41
SPEAKER_00: She was glad to get some distance and be able to focus on herself.
11:55
SPEAKER_01: It was always in the back of my head, my brother.
11:58
SPEAKER_01: And like it was just a constant thought in my head, or like, what's going on?
12:03
SPEAKER_01: How am I gonna help the situation?
12:06
SPEAKER_00: This is when Pyle gradually came to a realization.
12:09
SPEAKER_00: The brother she had known for over two decades, the one who would go out to family dinners and joke around with their parents, who couldn't wait for summer trips together to India to hang out with their extended family.
12:20
SPEAKER_00: That brother was gone, possibly forever.
12:24
SPEAKER_00: You go to a doctor's office, you get a pain scale for physical pain.
12:27
SPEAKER_00: So we don't really quite have that scale for emotional pain.
12:29
SPEAKER_00: But if we did, where would you be on that scale?
12:32
SPEAKER_01: During that time, oh gosh.
12:34
SPEAKER_01: Nine, ten.
12:36
SPEAKER_01: It was hard.
12:38
SPEAKER_01: Back then, I was also like very confused and lost of what was happening, along with why is this only happening to me?
12:44
SPEAKER_01: Why is nobody else that I know of experiencing this with their sibling?
12:48
SPEAKER_01: I just felt very lost and very angry and very sad, all of those emotions.
12:54
SPEAKER_01: So I would have told that pile, like, at least talk to somebody.
12:58
SPEAKER_01: That's the least you can do for yourself.
13:00
SPEAKER_01: Don't internalize.
13:09
SPEAKER_01: Of okay, I don't have the brother that I once had, or that relationship, and I had to accept it.
13:16
SPEAKER_01: And I think that acceptance part I was I struggled with for a while.
13:21
SPEAKER_00: It was a struggle she went through alone.
13:24
SPEAKER_00: She thought her family was the only one going through this because she never heard of anything like it.
13:29
SPEAKER_00: To the contrary, it was her experience that Indian families, and especially parents, gave a lot of air time to their successful kids, their doctors or lawyers or tech entrepreneurs.
13:40
SPEAKER_00: There was little talk about the kids who didn't excel.
13:42
SPEAKER_00: And a topic that never came up was mental illness.
13:46
SPEAKER_00: All of which left Pyle not just grieving, but feeling deeply isolated.
13:51
SPEAKER_00: So she turned to a place where she could get some relief.
13:54
SPEAKER_01: I was self-medicating with alcohol.
13:57
SPEAKER_01: I would just like drink, and I'm like, I just want to numb everything I'm feeling right now.
14:02
SPEAKER_01: So a lot of times when I would drink, I would if if I thought about my brother, I remember having really bad breakdowns with alcohol, like crying.
14:12
SPEAKER_01: Most of the times by myself.
14:14
SPEAKER_01: You know, in the middle of the night, after like I had a few drinks, I'd wake up and I'd just start crying.
14:19
SPEAKER_00: In life, there are lots of places where we get stuck.
14:23
SPEAKER_00: If you were playing Family Feud, the top survey says responses would surely be a relationship or a job.
14:30
SPEAKER_00: Just as surely, mental illness would not even make that bored.
14:35
SPEAKER_00: But mental illness is really good at keeping us stuck.
14:39
SPEAKER_00: And there's no single roadmap for getting unstuck, no magic words, no recipe, and no guarantee that what worked for one person will work for anyone else.
14:49
SPEAKER_00: But two things stood out for Pyle.
14:52
SPEAKER_00: The first one happened when a close friend posed a simple question what's going on with your brother?
14:58
SPEAKER_00: Pyle began her answer, and she suddenly found the whole story pouring out almost of its own volition.
15:04
SPEAKER_01: I think it was just years of um buildup.
15:06
SPEAKER_01: And you know, of course it was with somebody I trusted, so that helped, you know, kind of open up the can of worms.
15:13
SPEAKER_01: But I think I finally got to this place where I was starting to feel like I kind of don't care anymore.
15:19
SPEAKER_01: Are people gonna judge?
15:20
SPEAKER_01: Are people gonna be scared?
15:21
SPEAKER_01: Are people gonna like, you know, distance themselves from me because of this?
15:25
SPEAKER_01: I went from that to I don't care what people think, and the people that really um are my friends, you know, will support me and support everything that's going on with my family, and the ones that aren't won't.
15:38
SPEAKER_00: The other thing, the one that really got Pyle moving, was that she decided to face the fact that her family was dealing with mental illness.
15:46
SPEAKER_00: She started in the simplest possible way.
15:48
SPEAKER_00: She opened up her computer and Googled it.
15:51
SPEAKER_00: Not any mental illness in particular, or any specific resource, just the words mental illness.
15:58
SPEAKER_00: She founded an organization called NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.
16:03
SPEAKER_00: It ran support groups across the country for family members.
16:07
SPEAKER_00: She decided to go.
16:11
SPEAKER_01: And it was like literally like two miles from my job.
16:14
SPEAKER_01: So I said, okay, let me just give this a chance and see.
16:17
SPEAKER_01: But like the first day I went to the support group, I was just overwhelmed with emotions and I was crying, and it kind of felt nice just to be able to talk about it and to be there with other people that understood what I was going through.
16:30
SPEAKER_00: Someone in her support group told her to take Nami's family-to-family class.
16:34
SPEAKER_00: It was an informational course on mental illness that at the time ran for 12 weeks.
16:39
SPEAKER_00: She signed up.
16:52
SPEAKER_01: And then that's when I started assessing, oh my gosh, he has so many of these symptoms.
16:55
SPEAKER_01: And every class there was something so relatable for me.
16:59
SPEAKER_00: She got a vocabulary to talk about it.
17:02
SPEAKER_00: She got tools to use in crisis, the names of agencies and phone numbers to call for help.
17:07
SPEAKER_00: She got clarity, some rays of hope, and the knowledge that she and her family were not alone.
17:12
SPEAKER_00: She even got an answer to why her brother wasn't seeking help on his own.
17:16
SPEAKER_00: Like about half of those who live with schizophrenia, he had a neurological impairment called anesthenosia.
17:22
SPEAKER_00: It prevented him from seeing that he was ill.
17:25
SPEAKER_00: At the end of the final class, one of the NAMI staff approached Pyle and asked if she would lead a family-to-family course.
17:32
SPEAKER_01: My mindset at that point was a little bit like, you know what, it's I can't directly help my family right now, so let me at least help other families.
17:42
SPEAKER_00: So she led a class and she loved it and began doing the class yearly.
17:47
SPEAKER_00: She joined the board of her local chapter.
17:49
SPEAKER_00: She was involved.
17:51
SPEAKER_00: But there was one couple she kept trying to involve without success.
17:56
SPEAKER_00: Her parents.
17:57
SPEAKER_00: Then, in the summer of 2018, Pal's brother had an especially bad episode.
18:03
SPEAKER_00: He was in a car with their parents when they got stuck in traffic.
18:06
SPEAKER_00: Pal's brother started screaming and cursing at them from the backseat.
18:10
SPEAKER_00: Pal wasn't there, and it's not clear to her what triggered his fury.
18:14
SPEAKER_00: But her parents were trapped inside the car with their son, screaming non-stop for two hours.
18:19
SPEAKER_01: That's the extreme situation that actually got them to the support group.
18:24
SPEAKER_00: But the change was short-lived.
18:26
SPEAKER_01: I don't know, two days after that episode he was calm again, so then they came to one support group and they were done.
18:37
SPEAKER_00: Told them he needed treatment, a diagnosis, and to try medication.
18:41
SPEAKER_00: Pyle's parents weren't weak or dumb.
18:44
SPEAKER_00: They were afraid.
18:46
SPEAKER_00: And so the suspended state the family lived in continued.
18:51
SPEAKER_00: But every year or so, her brother would have an outburst and edge her parents ever so slightly closer to accepting that her brother was living with a mental illness and that they needed to do something.
19:02
SPEAKER_00: Her brother had come to believe he was a multimillionaire and that he made all the money himself.
19:07
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was the shame from not being independent.
19:10
SPEAKER_00: Maybe it was a short circuit in his thinking.
19:13
SPEAKER_00: But whatever the cause, he got angry because he didn't have access to his money.
19:17
SPEAKER_01: He said, There's millions of dollars somewhere.
19:20
SPEAKER_01: That's my money that you're not telling me where it is.
19:24
SPEAKER_00: One day he even called a bank and threatened an employee.
19:27
SPEAKER_00: Their father eventually straightened everything out.
19:30
SPEAKER_00: But it was increasingly concerning.
19:32
SPEAKER_00: And with Pyle both pushing and supporting, her dad was finally coming around to confronting her brother's mental illness head on.
19:39
SPEAKER_01: I know he started telling me like I'm looking into things, and I think my dad was trying.
19:44
SPEAKER_01: I think he was really trying to make a move.
19:46
SPEAKER_01: And I I know I think he was going slower than I probably would have, but he's coming from a completely different background, completely different upbringing, in a culture that nobody talks about anything.
19:59
SPEAKER_01: And I feel like he had no support or he didn't know how to get support.
20:03
SPEAKER_01: I think in his mind he was trying to save his child, and that's all that was going through his mind.
20:08
SPEAKER_00: By 2022, Pyle's dad finally seemed ready to take action.
20:12
SPEAKER_00: Pyle gave him the name of a peer support specialist who could engage with her brother for the very first time.
20:18
SPEAKER_00: Her dad promised to give the specialist a call.
20:21
SPEAKER_00: Pyle felt that at long last, her dad was going to move.
20:25
SPEAKER_00: There was going to be progress.
20:27
SPEAKER_00: She felt full of hope.
20:29
SPEAKER_00: Then three weeks later, an all-out crisis erupted.
20:32
SPEAKER_00: The problem was, it wasn't her brother's.
20:35
SPEAKER_00: It was her dad's.
20:37
SPEAKER_01: He was carrying a laundry basket up the stairs.
20:40
SPEAKER_01: And what we think happened is he carried it halfway up the stairs and probably needed a break, so he put the laundry basket down.
20:48
SPEAKER_01: When he got up, he got dizzy or winded, or blacked out and fainted.
20:54
SPEAKER_01: We I don't know.
20:54
SPEAKER_01: But he basically fell backwards and hit his head on the tile.
20:59
SPEAKER_01: And then he had head trauma.
21:01
SPEAKER_01: So we, you know, he they did two surgeries on in his brain, and they couldn't get the swelling down, and um by the morning he was gone.
21:10
SPEAKER_00: He was 74 years old.
21:18
SPEAKER_00: Pyle's brother continues to have occasional episodes.
21:21
SPEAKER_00: Recently he became convinced once again that he was a multimillionaire and that Pyle and their mother were hiding his money from him.
21:28
SPEAKER_00: He started threatening the two of them to the point where Pyle became so scared that she called the cops.
21:33
SPEAKER_00: When officers arrived, Pyle's brother immediately became calm, walked up to them, and took control of the conversation.
21:40
SPEAKER_01: And he didn't even let me and my mom speak, and he jumped right in and he said, They have my money and they're trying to, you know, keep the money from me.
21:47
SPEAKER_01: And right away, they the cops said, You know, this looks like a fa internal family issue.
21:52
SPEAKER_01: Um, you need to call a lawyer.
21:54
SPEAKER_01: He didn't really look physically like he was having a mental health crisis, so they couldn't really.
22:00
SPEAKER_01: Help.
22:01
SPEAKER_00: Once again, nothing happened.
22:03
SPEAKER_00: They all returned to the uneasy detente.
22:07
SPEAKER_00: The question then is, at some point during all these years, why didn't Pyle talk to her brother?
22:13
SPEAKER_00: Pyle had the knowledge, the tools, the phone numbers.
22:16
SPEAKER_00: She had supported many others.
22:18
SPEAKER_00: She had a network of people who supported her.
22:21
SPEAKER_00: Why didn't she just take matters into her own hands?
22:24
SPEAKER_00: That answer is long, but in some ways really similar to her parents.
22:30
SPEAKER_00: First, when her brother gets angry, he can be mean.
22:45
SPEAKER_00: It's hard to stomach that kind of abuse.
22:47
SPEAKER_00: But she's learned to ignore it.
22:49
SPEAKER_00: The threats, however, are more difficult to look past.
22:53
SPEAKER_01: He's made verbal threats.
22:54
SPEAKER_01: He hasn't done anything physical yet, but we just don't know, right?
22:57
SPEAKER_01: Like that's the unpredictability.
22:59
SPEAKER_01: I don't know if the something's gonna trigger him.
23:01
SPEAKER_01: I don't know what's gonna happen today.
23:03
SPEAKER_00: Aaron Powell She feels especially protective of her mom, which means she always has her ear out.
23:08
SPEAKER_01: I have like a little room downstairs I work out of, and if I just hear them interacting, I get anxious because I'm like, are they fighting or is he is he starting to get angry at my mom or are they just having a normal conversation?
23:20
SPEAKER_01: I don't know which one it is, but I always have to feel like I have to come out and kind of check like what's going on, you know.
23:26
SPEAKER_01: Um you're never in a constant state of peace, ever.
23:30
SPEAKER_00: Pyle understands that so far.
23:32
SPEAKER_00: Her mom has made a choice not to provoke a crisis.
23:36
SPEAKER_00: She loves her mom, supports her.
23:39
SPEAKER_00: And now that her dad is gone, it's just the two of them.
23:42
SPEAKER_00: So part of this is also that she doesn't want to upset her mom.
23:46
SPEAKER_00: A feeling so strong that it brings her to tears.
23:49
SPEAKER_01: Everything I'm doing right now is is is for my mom.
23:52
SPEAKER_01: I I don't want her to feel alone and you know, so yes, it's uncomfortable.
23:58
SPEAKER_01: And but it it's it's literally I'm doing it for my mom.
24:02
SPEAKER_00: Pyle also knows that the options are few.
24:05
SPEAKER_00: They're really hard, even when they go well.
24:08
SPEAKER_00: And there's no guarantee they'll go well.
24:10
SPEAKER_01: My dad wanted to do something, but he was fearful my my brother would end up on the streets and it would be worse.
24:17
SPEAKER_01: And that's the same fear my mom still has.
24:19
SPEAKER_01: I think that's what scares everybody, the uncertainty of where the situation can go.
24:23
SPEAKER_00: Pyle knows that the only time she can call and expect any assistance is when her brother is having what she calls an episode, when he's most volatile and least able to listen.
24:34
SPEAKER_00: She knows that even if she asks for a mental health team, the cops might come.
24:38
SPEAKER_00: She knows that in the blink of an eye, the situation can spiral completely out of control.
24:44
SPEAKER_00: Violence, prison, death.
24:48
SPEAKER_00: These outcomes are not just possible.
24:50
SPEAKER_00: They're common.
24:52
SPEAKER_00: So who in their right mind would want to be responsible for making that phone call?
24:57
SPEAKER_00: Pyle's mom knows this too.
24:59
SPEAKER_01: After this this last episode, when I called the cops, she basically said, I'm just gonna give him money.
25:04
SPEAKER_00: Which only builds up even more frustration for Pyle.
25:07
SPEAKER_00: Because the money's not doing anything but buying time.
25:10
SPEAKER_01: I said, you know, mom, just giving him money is not sustainable.
25:13
SPEAKER_01: But I'm just trying to tell her that this if you want to do this now, you can, but you cannot do this forever.
25:23
SPEAKER_00: Pyle's education and experience with mental illness has helped her to have compassion for all of her family.
25:29
SPEAKER_00: Even her brother, even when she called the police.
25:33
SPEAKER_01: I just felt sad for him.
25:34
SPEAKER_01: I still feel sad for him.
25:36
SPEAKER_01: Even after through the threats and intimidation, all of that.
25:40
SPEAKER_01: I mean, at the end of the day, I mean, I I would I do not want to call the cops on him.
25:44
SPEAKER_01: That's why I waited so long.
25:45
SPEAKER_01: Um, and I just feel very sad for the delusion he's trapped in.
25:51
SPEAKER_00: The standoff in her home has gone on for a long time, and it seems like it may never end.
25:57
SPEAKER_00: Even so, Pyle hopes the change will come.
26:00
SPEAKER_01: I mean, really, for me, it's even the small victories because for me, even uh diagnosis is huge right now.
26:10
SPEAKER_01: Um so, of course, like ideal world, diagnosis takes medication based on what he needs to get better, and then tries to live somewhat of a you know independent life.
26:30
SPEAKER_00: In this country, there are three main places where those with a mental illness live.
26:35
SPEAKER_00: First is prisons, then on the streets.
26:38
SPEAKER_00: And the third is inside some unknown number of homes all over this land, where people with anxiety, depression, schizophrenia, or anything else are isolating, accepting little or no treatment, exiled to their bedrooms and basements by their illness.
26:52
SPEAKER_00: No one actually knows how many people live like this, but the number is surely higher than most of us think.
26:58
SPEAKER_00: The tragic part of all these lives on pause is that there's no growth, no possibility of a better life, one that involved work, inclusion and family, and a whole new community of friends.
27:10
SPEAKER_00: One that would deliver actual peace for everyone.
27:16
SPEAKER_00: Jerry Seinfeld told stories in which he famously claimed nothing happened.
27:21
SPEAKER_00: In many ways, Pyle's family is one of those stories.
27:24
SPEAKER_00: Nothing has changed.
27:26
SPEAKER_00: Everyone's stuck and there's no end in sight.
27:29
SPEAKER_00: But in one important way, this is not a story where nothing happened.
27:33
SPEAKER_00: Pyle is changed.
27:36
SPEAKER_00: She's not even close to the person she was when her brother burst into tears more than 15 years ago and said the airplanes were following him.
27:43
SPEAKER_00: She's no longer alone.
27:45
SPEAKER_00: She has a community in her friends, family, and NAMI, where she continues to serve on the board and teach the family-to-family class.
27:53
SPEAKER_00: Yes, there is that wall that radically separates her world from her brothers.
27:58
SPEAKER_00: But one day she and her mom may figure out how to bring that down.
28:01
SPEAKER_00: And until then, she will not be silent about her brother with anyone, including the Indian community where she grew up.
28:09
SPEAKER_00: Her shame about mental illness, as it is in so many places, is deep-seated.
28:14
SPEAKER_01: My goal is to normalize these conversations.
28:17
SPEAKER_01: You know, just everybody start taking small steps to normalize these types of conversations because it is real.
28:22
SPEAKER_01: Many people are going through it.
28:24
SPEAKER_01: Why can't we help each other and support each other instead of acting like everything's perfect?
28:32
SPEAKER_00: This episode is dedicated to the memory of Pyle's dad, Kirti Patel.
28:38
SPEAKER_00: Rest in peace.
28:57
SPEAKER_00: So expect an end and a beginning, as well as a fascinating conversation with the man who crafted what he believes is the best student mental health service in the country and possibly the world.
29:08
SPEAKER_00: That's coming out April 16th.
29:12
SPEAKER_00: I also want to tell you about something that's out right now: our first survey.
29:16
SPEAKER_00: We want to hear from you about your experience with mental health care, good or bad.
29:22
SPEAKER_00: Just go to our website.
29:23
SPEAKER_00: The link is right there on our homepage, and a survey can be done in just two minutes.
29:27
SPEAKER_00: You'll find it at Brainstories Productions.com.
29:32
SPEAKER_00: We're looking forward to your response.
29:34
SPEAKER_00: If you found Pyle Story moving or helpful, consider supporting her by making a donation to Nami Pomona Valley to help her continue the work she's doing.
29:44
SPEAKER_00: You can find a donate button at NAMIPV.org.
29:50
SPEAKER_00: That's NAMIPV.org.
29:54
SPEAKER_00: Managing mental illness is a team sport.
29:57
SPEAKER_00: So if you or anyone you know is struggling with mental illness and isn't sure what to do, try finding a local NAMI affiliate.
30:03
SPEAKER_00: You can find the one nearest you by going to NAMI.org backslash find dash your dash local dash NAMI backslash.
30:14
SPEAKER_00: Don't worry if you didn't get that.
30:15
SPEAKER_00: You'll find the link in our episode notes as well.
30:20
SPEAKER_00: Thanks to the team that made this story possible.
30:22
SPEAKER_00: Our associate producer and editor was Kate Ruskosa.
30:26
SPEAKER_00: Bowen Wong is the episode producer.
30:29
SPEAKER_00: Karen Given is our story editor and guiding light.
30:32
SPEAKER_00: Rob Byers is the audio mixer who makes everything sound better.
30:36
SPEAKER_00: Original music comes from Paul Swartzel.
30:38
SPEAKER_00: Check out his story in episode 9.
30:41
SPEAKER_00: The show is produced by Frank Cosa and Janet Yang.
30:45
SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you to our advisors and all our supporters.
30:52
SPEAKER_00: This show is a copyright of Brain Stories Productions and the Samuel Bay Corporation.
30:57
SPEAKER_00: The use of this episode or any of its content in or for any form of artificial intelligence, its development or training, is copyright infringement and expressly prohibited without prior written agreement.
31:08
SPEAKER_00: See you on April the 16th.