Latest / Black Girl Interrupted Podcast / Grief....How Do you Deal with Losing a Parent...Let's Talk About It

Transcript

Grief....How Do you Deal with Losing a Parent...Let's Talk About It · Black Girl Interrupted Podcast

0:36
Speaker 1: Boom boom boom. Alright, alright, alright, what's up? What's up?
0:39
What's up? Y'all? Know what's your favorite girl from the five?
0:43
Bringing you another episode of Black Girl interrupted that podcast.
0:47
Today is Tuesday, December the ninth. I hope everyone is
0:50
having a beautiful, beautiful, beautiful week thus far. I hope
0:55
everyone has been doing well. Most of you know. Last
0:58
week what's Thanksgiving. So you know, I didn't do anything. No,
1:02
I did one episode, but I let everyone else have
1:05
their time with their families. I got to celebrate my birthday.
1:09
I got to have a beautiful time. Hey, sus I
1:13
miss you too, baby. Yes, everything is good. We'll have
1:18
to catch up on the back end. We'll definitely have
1:22
to catch up. But hug and kiss my babies for me.
1:24
Tell my brother in law, I say, hey, hey, hey,
1:28
but tonight tonight tonight. Well, let me say this. The
1:30
whole month of December, we're gonna be talking about grief.
1:35
I know, around this time of the year, things get heavy,
1:39
you know, life gets heavy for people. Some people are
1:41
celebrating their first year without their love, when some people
1:45
are celebrating their twentieth year, their tenth year. So this
1:51
month is dedicated, is dedicated to grief. But tonight's topic
1:56
is how do you deal with losing a parent? You know,
1:59
whether it's a mother, a father, a stepmother, a stepfather,
2:03
how do you deal with that? How do you recover
2:05
from that? Many of y'all that are new too. Black
2:08
girl Into wrote the podcast, I always love, love, love, love, love, love,
2:12
love to do my mental health check in. I just
2:16
want to check the temperature. I just want to see
2:18
how everyone is feeling to how is everyone doing. I know,
2:22
for me, I could say I'm in the best I'm
2:25
in the most stable state of mind that I've been
2:27
in in a long time. So so my sister says, yes,
2:32
sure will yes, honey, hug my babies for me. You know,
2:36
I'm sending you lots of love, lots of prayers on
2:40
the loss of your grandmother, So love to you, prayos
2:46
condolences to the family. Give me updated. But anyone that again,
2:51
that is new too. Black girl Into wrote the podcast,
2:53
I love to do my mental health check ins. I
2:56
do these mental health check ins because I have to
2:58
check the temperature people. Mental health. Suicide is at an
3:03
all time high end the Black community, So it is
3:06
imperative that I continue to advocate not only for me,
3:10
but for the people that look just like me too
3:11
when it comes to mental health. So you know what,
3:20
let me say this to y'all. I know life gets heavy.
3:26
I know it does. I know sometimes you feel like
3:30
you don't have an outlet. I know a lot of
3:33
times you feel like death is the only way to go.
3:38
But I want to reassure, I want to reaffirm. I
3:42
want to love, I want to encourage. I want to
3:44
empower somebody and let you know that you're wanted here.
3:48
I want you, I see you, I hear you, I
3:51
understand you. You're not alone, You're not by yourself. Please
3:56
don't let anyone tell you that therapy is a your
4:00
because it's not. Therapy has worked for me trying to
4:05
balance working two jobs. Now now I can get back
4:09
into therapy now that I know my schedule and I
4:11
can balance everything out. But I want to speak life
4:15
into someone. I want to love on someone. I want
4:16
to encourage somebody. I want someone to know that your
4:19
mental matters, that your feelings are valid, that it's okay
4:23
to not be okay a lot of days. But I
4:26
just want to let you know don't stay there, don't
4:28
lay in it, get up. You got to push through.
4:31
I know right now it seems dark, it seems dim.
4:35
I know people are trying to figure out how do
4:37
I make it through. You just got to get up.
4:40
You got to get up. You gotta get up, You
4:43
gotta push through. You gotta know that you're wanted here.
4:47
You gotta know that you have purpose on this side.
4:50
You have to know and you have to understand. You
4:53
are important. You are beautiful, you are loved, You're resilient,
4:58
You're everything that God says you are. You understand. So
5:02
don't let your mental or that you know what, let me,
5:05
let me, let me back up. Don't let the devil
5:09
tell you that you're less than. Don't let the world
5:11
make you feel like you're less than. You understand, because
5:15
you matter, you have purpose on this side. You woke
5:18
up today, you still have a roof over your head,
5:20
You have clothes on your back, your food on your table.
5:23
You have a car to drive. No, it may not
5:25
be the nicest car, the best car, but you're still
5:27
able to get to where it is that you need
5:29
to go. So I just want to say from here
5:31
from Ashley to everyone else out there that is listening.
5:35
I love you, and I'm proud of you, and I'm
5:40
rooting for you. I want you to win. We're gonna win.
5:45
We're not gonna let anything stop us anymore. You understand
5:49
we have what eight nine for. My math is so off, y'all.
5:58
But today is the ninth. We are rounding out the
6:00
end of twenty twenty five. We're about to walk into
6:03
twenty twenty six with greatness. You understand, We're about to
6:07
walk in our purpose. We are about to take back
6:11
everything that was stolen from us, Everything that was a
6:13
lot that we allowed to be taken away from us.
6:16
We're about to get it back tenfold in twenty twenty six.
6:19
So that is the way I want to start off
6:22
my podcast tonight. Oh my brother, My brother, My brother says,
6:27
He says, I'm on the clock, but I'm tapped in
6:29
says I can't hear, but I can read and support
6:31
my family. I love you so much, Wordsmith. I don't
6:35
think you understand the love that I have for you.
6:38
And I'm so appreciative of you for staying with me
6:40
and my husband as we walk through this storm. You
6:43
understand we're walking through it. We're going through it. You
6:46
get what I'm saying. So I just want to say,
6:48
thank you, God, bless you. I'm so proud of you,
6:51
and I cannot wait to see what twenty twenty six
6:54
holds for you. I just wanted to start off like that.
7:01
It was just on my heart. I don't know who
7:03
needed to hear that, because I know someone right now
7:04
was grieving. I know someone like I said, this is
7:07
their first holiday without their loved one. I know someone
7:11
that might be their fifth year, this might be their
7:13
thirtieth year without their mom or their dad. But the
7:16
grief never goes away. So for the whole again, for
7:20
the whole month of December, we're talking about grief. But
7:24
tonight's conversation again is about how do you deal with
7:27
losing a parent? Hmm? How do you deal with that?
7:34
I know I can say for me, I lost my
7:40
father in twenty twenty one. Y'all, I'm a glass law
7:44
fagging up. I promise I'm not gonna get emotional tonight.
7:48
I'm gonna try, Okay, y'all know, I'm so passionate about this.
7:54
So tonight's topic is how do you deal with the
7:56
loss of a parent? Again, this whole month of December,
7:58
we're talking about grief the holidays. It gets heavy for
8:02
a lot of people. I know, for me it's a
8:05
little rough. I know for others it's a little rough.
8:09
You know, again, this may be your first year, this
8:12
may be your fifth year, this may be your thirtieth year,
8:14
your fortieth year. But I want you to understand the
8:18
way you feel is valid. Your feelings are valid. It's
8:22
okay to grieve because grief has no aspiration date. I
8:27
wish people would stop saying, oh, it gets better with time.
8:31
Maybe for you it does, but for others it doesn't.
8:34
You understand, I've learned. My dad has been gone almost
8:39
five years, and I've learned how to just deal with
8:46
him not being here. I've learned to deal with that.
8:50
It gets easier for me to talk about. It doesn't
8:53
sting as much as it used to when it first happened.
8:58
I'm gonna be honest with you. The first two years
9:01
man was rough. You know. I had my breakdown, I
9:06
had a lot of health issues going on. I had
9:09
back to back surgeries after I lost my father. So
9:15
now it's here four and I will say I won't
9:20
go to the cemetery because he's not there. But my
9:24
therapist also told me. She says, as long as you're here,
9:27
your dad is still here. So m I say this
9:37
to the ones that are grieving. As long as you're
9:40
still here, your parents are still here. They still live
9:43
within you. They may not be here physically, but they
9:47
still live and reside within you. So I found y'all
9:53
already know I always come with videos. Y'all know, I
9:56
always come with something so beautiful. So illo a guy
10:00
named Trent Shelton on TikTok, and I said, you know,
10:06
I love the way. I love the things that he
10:07
speaks about. But I came across this one video. I'm
10:11
not going to play the entire video because the video
10:13
was like eight nine minutes long, but I just want
10:15
to play certain pieces of the video where he discusses
10:20
what life was like for him after he lost his mother.
10:24
And so as I was watching this, I looked at
10:27
the date he lost his mother, three days after I
10:30
lost my father. So I'm like, oh, man, you know
10:34
this guy is he knows, he knows exactly what I'm
10:39
feeling and what others are feeling out here. Oh and
10:45
Jelle says she loves Trenshall I love him and so
10:48
and Jell. When I came across this video, he was
10:51
talking about what it was like when he lost his mother,
10:56
and this resonated so much with me because again I
10:59
lost my father and March twenty twenty one, March the
11:01
Fore twenty twenty one, and it rocked my world. You know,
11:05
I remember that day like was yesterday. I remember wanting
11:08
to do my show that same night that my father
11:12
passed away, and my ex co host said, you can't
11:17
do the show. Then I said, yes, like can I
11:19
have to do this show? You know, I gotta keep going.
11:23
But the moment I sat down and the camera came
11:26
on and I was ready to hit record, I just
11:30
broke because I couldn't understand why is my dad not
11:34
here anymore with me? You know, people keep saying, oh,
11:37
you don't. You're never supposed to question God why not
11:40
we have a relationship. So if it's something that I
11:43
don't understand, I'm very well within my rights to sit
11:48
down and ask God, why why didn't you let me
11:51
talk to him before he passed away? Why didn't you
11:54
let me do this? Why didn't you let me do that?
11:55
And God said, because you would have fought harder for him,
12:00
him to hold on, for him to let go. And
12:06
and I don't think people understood when I said that.
12:09
I just well, what do you mean, God said, because
12:14
look at how you're dealing with it now. And so
12:18
I said, well, but God, that he said, but that's
12:21
not the way I wanted it for you. Mm hm.
12:30
So I had to stop, and I had to think.
12:36
Would it have been easier on me if I would
12:38
have talked to him before he passed? It would have
12:42
been harder for me. But every day that I get
12:46
up and I look in the mirror, I see my
12:48
dad's face. I look just like him, exactly, glasses, everything.
12:54
So I continue to have this conversation with God. I said,
12:58
I get it now. It would have hurt had I
13:03
had spoken to him before he passed. I wanted to
13:08
remember him full of life. I wanted to remember him
13:15
and that beautiful smile. No, he was not perfect. Did
13:19
he have his flaws. He made a lot of mistakes.
13:21
He did, but that was till my dad at the
13:24
end of the day. And I just wanted to remember
13:28
the good pieces of him that I had. And that
13:32
was the conversations we was talk every Sunday. He would
13:34
call every Sunday or I would call him and we
13:37
would talk, you know, sporadically through the week, but Sundays
13:40
was our day. I would call. He would just be
13:44
getting in from church. He said, well, I just got
13:46
in from church. I'm you know, I'm sitting down watching
13:48
a little little football And we would just talk for hour,
13:51
maybe two hours, just about everything. So when he passed,
13:58
I held on. Today said, but because you couldn't let
14:00
me talk to him. And God said, no, no, this
14:06
is the way I wanted it to be, because again,
14:12
you would have been fighting for him to hold on.
14:16
And he said, your dad was tired. He said, your
14:20
dad knew how you felt about him. Your dad said
14:23
he knew that you loved him, and I did. I
14:26
loved him. And Jel says completely, she can completely relate.
14:31
And so he told me. You know, God says, your
14:35
dad knew you loved him, regardless of whatever happened in
14:39
the months prior to him passing away. Your dad knew
14:41
how you felt about him. I said, but I wanted
14:44
to tell him one last time. He said, but you did.
14:48
He said, your dad, here's you. But you gotta keep going.
14:52
Ashley you gotta keep going. And so that very first
14:58
year because again my father past March. So I had
15:02
my first birthday with out of my first things, giving
15:04
my first Christmas. So I got over the first and
15:08
I'm and I can honestly tell you that first year
15:11
was rough. That first year, those first that first three
15:15
hundred and sixty five days was rough. When I tell y'all,
15:22
I completely shut down from the world. I was still
15:25
doing my podcast, but I put out black I had
15:28
put up blackout shades in my apartment. I would go
15:33
days and I wouldn't bathe. I would go days and
15:36
I wouldn't eat. I would go days and I just
15:39
I just didn't want to get out of the bed.
15:42
So I said, God, I gotta get up. I gotta go.
15:45
I gotta get up. I gotta do this. God says,
15:48
you're not ready yet. He says, stop trying to force
15:51
the process. I say, but but God, I'm ready to
15:55
say no, you're not. So I tried. I ran so.
16:03
Nicole says, that's why you and I. Vibe says we
16:05
have so much in common. I know exactly how you feel.
16:08
She said, I lost my dad in January thirtieth or
16:10
twenty twelve yo. She says, hey, sister, I love you
16:19
so much. He knew you loved him dearly. I did,
16:22
But I questioned, I wanted to know why didn't you
16:25
give me that last conversation with him? God says, because
16:28
that's not the way I set it up for you.
16:31
God says, you don't get everything that you want. Your
16:35
dad knew how you felt about it. That's why he
16:37
left you in charge, because he knew you were the
16:40
more responsible one. He knew he could depend on you.
16:44
And I didn't think about that, you understand. So when
16:47
my father passed, when I got the phone call, it
16:50
was I didn't recognize the number. It was an Alabama number.
16:56
I'm like, what is this calling me? Like they've called me?
16:58
They had called three times. So finally I answered the
17:02
phone and the boy sat there on the said said Ashley.
17:05
I said, yes, ma'am. She said, hey, this is missling
17:08
the ground. I said, hello, how are you you know?
17:12
Speaker 2: Like what?
17:13
Speaker 1: Like who it's this? And she said, you know I
17:17
lived next door to your dad. She said, I just
17:19
call and let you know your father passed. And I
17:23
dropped the phone, but then it was silence. When I
17:30
picked that back up and I can hear her calling
17:32
my name at the other end, and she said, you know,
17:37
has the hospital car and said, no, they haven't called me.
17:41
And I said, I got to notify, you know, family members.
17:44
But the first person I called was my mother. I
17:47
know that was selfish of me, but my mother came first,
17:51
and then I called. I reached out to my father's
17:54
side of the family. I know, y'all, I know that
17:56
that sounds so hateful, but in that moment, I needed
18:00
my mother. I didn't need them. I needed my mom,
18:03
you understand. So I didn't feel bad about it because
18:06
I needed my mom. My father had just passed. I
18:12
knew he had COVID. I knew he went to the
18:14
hospital the day before. He went in at six pm,
18:18
about around six six thirty, and my father was gone
18:22
at nine something the following day, not even twenty four hours.
18:25
My father was gone. So I didn't know how to
18:28
feel about that. So I called my mom. And so
18:39
while I was on the phone on other hospital calls,
18:43
and I said, Mom, I don't know who this say is.
18:45
I said, this might be the hospital calling me. I
18:47
don't know. She said, well, okay, I'll call you know.
18:50
I told her I said, I call you back, so
18:52
I click over. I answered the calling. It's the hospital
18:57
and she said, you know why we speak to Ashley Pitts.
18:59
I said, this is her. Uh. She said, I was
19:10
just calling in for me that your father, William has passed.
19:17
I said, I was notified the neighbor called. And she
19:24
first said I just want to extend my condolences to
19:27
you and your family, and she went on to explain
19:31
what happened. This is the first time that I've talked
19:38
about this since that day. So she says, you know,
19:44
your father came into the emergency room the day before,
19:50
hasus Oh, I love you baby, and Jelle says exactly me.
19:59
She says, I know the fee. Nicole says, what do
20:03
you mean that was selfishness? Since you call the one
20:06
person you could depend on, your mom. I did because
20:09
in that moment I needed her. I didn't need nobody else,
20:11
I just needed my mom. So when I so, the
20:15
hospital calls and I'm speaking with the doctor and she says, uh,
20:19
you know your father came in yesterday afternoon, she said,
20:23
about five six somewhere around that time, and uh, he
20:27
had COVID and we thought, you know, maybe we would
20:31
just give him a little oxygen and maybe he would
20:33
have been able to go home, she said, but this
20:36
oxygen level started to drop, so she said, so we
20:44
had to take him upstairs. We had to go ahead,
20:46
and we had to admit him. And she said, we
20:48
put him on oxygen. She said, his levels were dropping,
20:54
so they had to intubate him, and she said his
21:09
heart restarted to drop. She said, we did everything we could.
21:14
She said, he colted it, but they were able to
21:19
bring him back. But then he called it again. She said.
21:23
We fought and fault. She said, your dad fault. She said,
21:26
but his heart was so weak so that when he
21:31
called it, they just let him go. And in that moment, hey,
21:37
mister Lotti, it's good to see you. No, Cole says,
21:44
don't ever regret contacting your mom first ever. Oh, I
21:47
don't regret it now. Then in that moment, I did
21:50
because I needed to. You know, I was like, I
21:53
gotta call his brother, like, you know, I had to
21:55
call my uncle. I had to call you know, my
21:57
father's sisters and his you know, I just had to
22:00
contact everybody. So she said, she said, you know, your
22:04
dad fought, She said, fought all the way to the
22:06
end say, but his heart was just too weak. And
22:11
in that moment when she was telling me that's all
22:13
I could just imagine was what was my father feeling.
22:17
Was he fighting to stay, did he want to stay,
22:19
did he want to go? Did God give him my option?
22:22
These are things that are rolling through my mind. And
22:26
at this point, you know, when my father passed, like
22:27
I said, this was at the height of COVID. So
22:30
all I could think about was my father's in this
22:32
hospital room. He's alone, He's by hisself, no family, nothing.
22:40
And so I said, okay, and she said, you know
22:44
he left you. You were the point of contact. Just
22:49
let us know when you know what funeral home is
22:51
coming to get his body. And when you hear that,
22:56
it just seems like it's just so surreal. You're like,
22:59
what your father passes, your mom, you know, your one
23:03
of your mother, your father, a parent passes away. So
23:08
I said, okay, And so I started contacting everyone on
23:13
my father's side. I called my uncle now mind joy.
23:16
I had to contact a lot of them through Facebook
23:18
because I don't talk to them. I don't have a
23:21
I don't have dealings with my father's side of the family.
23:24
You know, with the exception of a few people. Let
23:26
me say that, because I don't want people to get
23:28
offended and say, but you are, we just talked to you.
23:31
Let me just say this. Of my father's immediate family,
23:35
I have no relationship with them. Let me say that.
23:37
And I don't regret it. Okay. Now, my father's two sisters,
23:43
my aunt Louise that passed away and the sister Linda,
23:46
love them dearly, Love them dearly, and then my uncle John.
23:52
But the rest of my I didn't have any dealings with,
23:54
you know, and and I have no regrets about it.
23:58
So I I contact them, let them know, and they said, well,
24:04
you know, let us know what you're gonna do. I said, well,
24:06
I have to go to Alabama. And they're like, what
24:08
do you mean what I'm gonna do? Like I gotta
24:09
go to Alabama, Like I got gonna get my dad's body,
24:12
Like why the hell would you ask me a question
24:15
like that, Like that's just so inconsiderate. But anyway, so
24:23
I immediately, you know, after I contact and I let
24:25
everybody know, I go to my mom's house and my
24:29
children are there, and the first person that runs and
24:33
hugs me is my daughter, my oldest daughter, and she says,
24:37
oh my god. She said, I'm so sorry to hear
24:38
about your dad. I said, thank you, you know, and
24:41
in that moment, I just broke, you know. My son
24:43
hugged me, my baby girl, and it was just I
24:47
gotta find a plane ticket, I gotta get to Alabama.
24:50
I was about to drive. I was about to leave
24:51
that day. My mom was like, do not get on
24:53
that road. I said, but I got. She said, Ashley,
24:55
you are not in the right state of mind to
24:58
get on that road and try to drive eleven hours
25:01
to Montgomery, Alabama. So I said, okay, So I get online.
25:06
I find a plane ticket. So I had to fly
25:09
into Atlanta, and then from Atlanta I drove to Montgomery, Alabama.
25:14
But the whole process of making these arrangements were horrible.
25:21
You understand. It was like I had to do this alone.
25:26
None of my father's family came to Alabama with me.
25:29
I had to do this alone. Shout out to my
25:32
father's church for staying with me, for being the pillars
25:36
for me, because I don't think I would have been
25:38
able to do this. Even though yes, my dad felt
25:42
like I was the more responsible one. He trusted me.
25:43
He knew I would take care of business after you pack.
25:46
He knew that. But then there was conflict on the
25:49
other end because they couldn't understand why it was me.
25:54
What hell do y'all want the responsibility? Baby, y'all come
25:57
down here, then come down here and do this. No
26:00
one offered, no one volunteered. But then they were doing
26:04
undermined shit on the excuse me, undermined stuff on the
26:06
back end, until the funeral home here in Houston said,
26:11
hold away, he has a daughter. Oh we're not talking.
26:14
We're talking to the daughter. Mind you. My name is
26:19
on the death certificate. All of that. It was rob
26:21
rob about that. Why is your name on the baby?
26:24
Is it that serious? I have to make arrangements for
26:28
my father, and y'all want to worry about what's on
26:32
a death certificate? Baby? Let me? Do you want me
26:34
to whine it out and put your name on now?
26:38
So I'm dealing with the foolery now, mind you. I
26:41
couldn't grieve because guess what, I had to get to Alabama,
26:45
only had three days to get all of this done.
26:48
I had to find a funeral home again, y'all. This
26:51
was at the height of COVID, so funeral homes were packed,
26:56
and I mean that in the most respectful way. Y'all.
26:59
Funeral homes were packed. One funeral home told me we
27:03
can't take another body. So I finally found one and
27:10
he said, we'll go get your dad tonight. You know,
27:12
we just you know, we need you to whatever, do
27:15
whatever it is you have to do. So I had
27:16
to go in purse because I was like, well, I
27:18
can't do this soul with a phone. And a lady
27:20
at the hospital told me. She said, no, man, she said,
27:22
because we don't know who we're talking to. I said, well,
27:24
what if I fact? She said, it could be anybody.
27:27
She said, you have to come in person because I
27:29
had to sign off for them to be able to
27:31
take his body, you know, for the funeral home to
27:33
be able to come pick up his body. So I
27:36
get there, I got a call so security like, I'm
27:39
just I'm doing everything. I'm running on three four hours
27:41
asleep because I can't rest because I gotta get up.
27:45
I gotta make these phone calls. But I got it done.
27:51
I got it done. But let me first say this
27:54
before I even continue on. Shout out to thank y'all
27:57
everyone that's in this chat. Thank y'all everyone that's tuning in.
28:00
Thank y'all for loving me and supporting me during that time.
28:05
When I tell, when I tell y'all, y'all were so
28:10
during amazing. I didn't know that people showed up for
28:15
me the way that they did. Like I just hundreds
28:19
of people calling, sending messages asking what you need. I'm here,
28:23
you need me to meet you somewhere? I mean, just
28:26
and I appreciate that, man, Like I just love y'all,
28:32
Like y'all are why I do this. Y'all are why
28:35
I get up here and I do this show day
28:37
in and day out. Y'all are why I do this,
28:40
y'all love. Man. I got chills right now because I
28:46
just I just thank God that God blessed me with
28:51
an amazing group of people that came and they enveloped
28:54
me with love and they stood with me all the
28:57
way from the beginning to the end. Even now, I
29:00
still get messages Ash, I'm just checking on you girl.
29:03
I know it's been a little while, but hey girl,
29:05
just checking on you. I love you. Whatever. Man, So
29:13
I finally so continue on so I get back. So
29:17
we got a couple a few comments. Hold on, wait, wait, wait,
29:20
so Misha says, love you more. Assists you got this.
29:24
He watching over you, and I miss you so much.
29:26
You know I'm here for you. Just a phone call.
29:28
Await man, you know, assist with everything you have going.
29:31
I just don't be willing to bombard you with what
29:34
I got going on over here. But now that you
29:37
you didn't tell you didn't beat me over the half
29:39
fifty million times I'm calling, I promise, I promise. So
29:44
when Jail says yes, she says, my mother when she passed,
29:47
they brought me back to see her, and although I
29:49
could see she was lifeless, it was so surreal. Let
29:52
me tell you, angel, I didn't get to see my
29:54
dad at the hospital. They told me how to wait
29:56
till they got to the funeral home. So the day
30:00
that I was getting ready to leave, I had to
30:01
bring it. I had to take his clothes because we
30:04
had him buried here in Houston, and I said, can
30:08
I get a picture of him? And the guy at
30:12
the funeral home said, yeah, you know, I say, we're here,
30:14
you know, because I couldn't go back in there because
30:16
there was another body in there also, So he took
30:19
a couple of pictures for me. And I said, man,
30:21
he just looks like he looks so peaceful. He looks
30:24
like he's asleep. And so as I turned to leave,
30:29
I looked at him and I said, I said, you
30:32
when you get home. I did God. That was rough
30:42
that day. That was rough, but I made it through.
30:47
God carried me through. So hmm, just see him there.
31:04
I was waiting on him to get up. I was weeding.
31:10
I didn't want to leave him, but I knew he
31:11
was coming home. And I told him, I said, I
31:15
see you when you get home. I see you in
31:17
a few days. But I picked out this nice, beautiful.
31:23
Speaker 2: Suit.
31:25
Speaker 1: I dressed my dad from head to toe because anybody
31:28
that knew my dad, my dad was mad. He was
31:31
dressed from head to toe and he smelled so good.
31:35
So I had to go out for him. I had
31:37
to dress him appropriately. So I picked out this nice
31:43
like brownish suit with his you know, I went and
31:46
bought him new under you know, underclothes. You know, got it.
31:50
I say, don't forget you gotta put that T shirt
31:51
on him. I sake a baby. One thing for sure,
31:53
my daddy don't west. He don't west his his church
31:56
without his without his undershirt. So while I took him
32:01
his clothes, and I think I must have hugged that
32:06
suit so tight, and I sprayed it with his cologne,
32:10
even though I knew we weren't gonna smell like that
32:12
by the time they, you know, shipped his body for
32:15
I'm so sorry transported his body from Montgomery to Houston,
32:19
but it was just a reminder for me. And when
32:22
I walked out of the door of his house, I
32:26
knew that was it. I knew that was it. So
32:33
I get back to Houston and then it was just chaos.
32:38
Almost had a stroke dealing with my father's family and
32:43
his arrangements because they wanted to call the shots. Absolutely not.
32:50
We had his funeral at a funeral home, at the
32:53
funeral home that had his body, that's where it was,
32:55
because that was at the height of COVID. Why would
32:57
you want to pack all these people in a church.
33:00
Half of them are elders with a lot of health issues,
33:04
and y'all want to have this church because they say, oh,
33:06
your father was a pastor. I say, I don't care
33:08
if he was the planet, if he was the pastor
33:10
of the planet mass We're doing everything right here in
33:13
the funeral home. We're not going to pack everything, pack
33:15
everybody up in no church because that's what y'all want
33:20
to do. I'm the daughter, and what I say goes period. Okay,
33:26
don't ever get it to us because I'm Alvin and
33:28
they're still the chip box. Okay, I said that, and
33:32
I stands on that. So anyway, So again they're making
33:37
all these arrangements until the funeral home realizes. They're like, wait,
33:41
his daughter. So they said, we don't want to talk
33:45
to y'all, we want to talk to the daughter. So
33:48
the funeral home called and they said, yeah, we didn't
33:50
even know that he had a daughter here. I said, well,
33:53
he's got several children here. I say, but I'm the
33:55
point of contact. Well, they called because they want to
33:59
move to the church. No, we're not moving into the church.
34:02
Leave it where it's at, I said it. So then
34:06
my father's other child calls me, I said, and I
34:08
told us, so let me say, let me stop you
34:10
before you even start. I said what I said, We're
34:14
not moving in his body. It's gonna be right here,
34:17
mind you. My father passed on March the fourth. We
34:20
didn't bury him until the twenty seventh. My father had
34:24
been dead almost a month, and you mean to tell
34:26
me y'all want to move into a church, which would
34:28
have pushed the arrangements back another week. I told him,
34:31
absolutely not. My father's going in the ground. I didn't
34:36
care if I had to put wheels on the bottom
34:37
of the casket and roll them into heaven. But he
34:40
was not staying he was not staying out any longer.
34:44
So anyway, so she was like, well they want I said,
34:46
I know why they wanted you to call, and I'm
34:48
gonna tell you the same way. I told them, we're
34:51
not moving it. It's gonna stay right where it is.
34:54
And guess what. We had the funeral home at Paradise North,
34:56
Simity at Paradise North Funeral Home, and he's buried in
34:59
parent that's not a cemetery. We weren't moving it nowhere
35:03
because if I really wanted to be low down, I
35:07
could have burned him in to be a cemetery and
35:09
told him after the fact if I really wanted to
35:13
be low down, but God said, she don't do that.
35:16
Don't do that, and she don't do that, be better,
35:20
be bigger. So I was. And after he passed, I
35:25
didn't speak to them no more. After that. I hate them,
35:27
told my father before he passed, when you leave, I
35:30
don't want anything to do with you outside of the family.
35:33
And I meant that. I meant that. No, Caaul says
35:39
all sis. She said, we gotta be related. She said,
35:42
I do not look get along with my dad's side
35:44
of the family. I have not spoken to them since
35:46
the day of my dad's funeral. My dad knew how
35:48
I felt about them, so I knew he would not
35:50
have an issue with that. Baby. Let me tell you,
35:53
my dad knew I didn't like your people. It's only
35:57
a handful of them that I deal with a handful.
36:00
Other than that, I don't fool with none of them.
36:03
For what. Y'all never treated me like family anyway, and
36:07
I looked just like every last one of y'all. But
36:09
I'm the cutest one. Hey, don't forget no, let me stop,
36:14
let me stop. No seriously though, so Angel says, that's
36:19
the hardest part. She say, doing it alone. She said,
36:21
I was adopted and was the only child. I had
36:24
no idea what all I had to do. Man, When
36:26
I tell you, Angel, it was like walking around in
36:28
the daytime with a flash, like trying to figure out
36:30
who do I call first? You know, he was getting
36:33
Social Security. I gotta call the VA I got and
36:36
I'm just but his church family they came and they
36:41
stood in the gap with me and they say, we
36:44
got this. They paid. Let me tell you how good
36:49
God is. My father's church family came together. It was
36:55
seventeen hundred dollars to fly my father's body from Montgomery, Imabama.
37:00
Well they had to drive into Atlanta. So from Atlanta
37:03
to Houston it was seventeen hundred dollars. I paid zero.
37:10
The money that the church raised. They said, oh, no, no, no, baby,
37:14
this is for you. One of my father's coworkers reached
37:19
out to me ex co workers when my father retired
37:21
from the airlines. She said, you know your dad qualifies
37:24
for a last ride. Huh? She said, do you have
37:30
his ID number or whatever? I say, yeah, I have it.
37:34
Shey call United. Let me tell you. United says we're
37:42
gonna give him his last ride. I say, look at God,
37:53
I say, look at you, Dad. You're still here with me,
37:57
You're still moving through me, You're still working through me.
38:02
And I appreciate that because his church family made sure
38:07
I was good. And that's sad when your own family
38:11
don't make sure you good. The church family is who
38:14
stood for me, who stood with me. You understand who
38:18
carried me them three days to make sure I got
38:21
everything done I'm talking about. They were working day and
38:25
night for me.
38:27
Speaker 2: Hunger.
38:27
Speaker 1: They bringing me food and so you don't have to
38:29
cook my eye. We went and got you some chicken.
38:31
We went and got this. They went and took me
38:33
for breakfast. I went to eyehop y'all and went to ate,
38:35
went to eat, and I was on the phone with
38:39
the funeral home and one of the waitresses she overheard.
38:44
She said, your father passed and said, yes, ma'am. She said, well,
38:47
your meal is on me. What thank you? So can't
38:56
nobody tell me that God ain't that God is not real?
39:02
Because what I thought I had to do alone. God
39:06
sends people to come help me. My father sent his
39:09
family to come help me, his church family to come
39:13
help me, because he knew I was gonna need some help.
39:17
He knew I was gonna need some type of assistance.
39:20
But he did it. He did it for me, and
39:24
I thank God for that every day. So when I
39:27
talk about it, it doesn't sting as much. Yes, this
39:30
is my fourth year without my father. But you know what,
39:34
it gets easier for me. It gets easier for me
39:37
to talk about what happened and then he passed. What
39:40
happened that morning the phone called what I had to
39:43
do afterwards, it gets easier for me. Does it still sting? Yeah?
39:46
It does, but I'm dealing with it. I'm feeling it,
39:52
you understand, And that's what That's what I want to
39:56
really get into, is the grief part is how do
39:58
you deal with it? You know? Nicole says, you will
40:03
put in that position for a reason. I was. I was,
40:08
mister Lina says, been praying for you. Both of my
40:12
parents are gone, he said, I've been there, and that's
40:15
what I mean. I have friends that don't have no
40:19
parents none, who may have lost their mom at a
40:24
young age, who may have lost their father at a
40:26
young age. I know someone that lost their mom and
40:29
dad in the same year, just months apart. So I
40:38
salute mm hmm for the strength that y'all have to
40:45
make it through. I still have my mom, you know,
40:50
and I cherished the moments that I have with her
40:53
because I know tomorrow's not I promised, So I try
40:59
to be the best that I can be. You understand.
41:05
I try to do the best that I can do,
41:09
but I don't overextend myself. So to the ones that
41:16
are still grieving, I love you and I empathize with
41:22
you because I know that feeling. I know what it's
41:25
like when you're sit front row, when you gotta close
41:29
that lid for the last time. But we made it.
41:37
We're still here standing. God didn't put this on our
41:43
shoulders to hurt us. God says, you lean on Him
41:51
for your own understanding. All things through Christ strengthens him.
41:57
You know this, Miss Angel says yes. No. Coole says
42:05
God is good. As Jael says all the time. I
42:08
don't think y'all understand how I ran to God because
42:13
I told God I can't do this. God says, yes,
42:18
you can. I say, but how am I supposed to
42:22
do this? How am I supposed to function without him?
42:27
He said, aren't you doing it now? I say, God,
42:32
you can't. He said, yes I can. God says, I
42:37
got you. You are not by yourself. You got me,
42:45
you got Jesus, you got the Disciples, Baby, you got
42:48
a cocona people that love you. You got this. So March
42:55
twenty seventh, twenty twenty one, when I was able to
42:59
final lay my father to rest, I walked out in
43:06
peace and not peace, says you know I did, and
43:14
I thanked God for the time that I got with him,
43:18
because there are some people out here that didn't get
43:22
as much time with their mom or their dad. You
43:26
got some that never met their mom. You got some
43:29
that never met their father. Maybe the father passed away
43:32
when they were one or two years old, or maybe
43:35
at birth, or maybe the mother passed at birth and
43:37
the father's raising them. But by God, we are still here.
43:45
God has us. So on those days that get heavy
43:52
for me, I just pull out one of those pictures
43:56
and I look and I was like, man, I remember
43:58
this day, remember the good times because my father wasn't cold,
44:04
he wasn't hard. Because that's how they are laying in
44:07
that casket. That's just a shell. Baby, that's just temporary.
44:14
But their souls and their spirits go on. They live
44:17
through us. The course say God is good, and Zell
44:22
says all the time. Mi Shea says, I love you, sister,
44:25
I love you back, baby. I remember you telling me
44:29
how you and when you lost your father. I remember this,
44:37
Miss Allia says, I preached my mother's eulogy at the funeral.
44:41
Oh my god, I don't know how.
44:49
Speaker 2: Just me.
44:50
Speaker 1: Let me say this, mister Lotta.
44:52
Speaker 2: Just me.
44:54
Speaker 1: Speaking the acknowledgments was hard for me. So I could
44:57
just imagine you have until you eulogize your mother, and
45:02
the strength that God gave you to do. Oh my god,
45:07
Nicole says, I closed the lid of my father's casket.
45:10
My brothers couldn't do it. I don't know how I
45:12
did it. And then at the end, you know, they
45:15
bring it a bag, you know what, all the stuff,
45:17
you know, the remaining funeral programs and the book that
45:21
everyone signs, and the you know, the stuff that they
45:23
give you from the funeral home. But what hurt me
45:27
was when I got I got home, I went and
45:30
I did the repast thing, y'all I did. And I
45:38
got home and I pulled out the bag, you know,
45:41
the book that people signed, that guest the guest book,
45:45
and I looked at a few of the programs that
45:47
I still had left because I still had to send
45:49
some back to the church. And then I pulled out
45:53
this box and I said, what is it? You know,
45:57
I didn't know what it was, and when I opened
46:00
it up, it was a casket key. That's when it
46:06
got real for me that my father was really gone.
46:14
When I opened that box and I saw it was
46:16
a casket key, I was like, Oh my gosh, why
46:19
did y'all get this to meet? But I understand, you know.
46:24
But as the days went on, I went on with life.
46:29
I went on with life until the reality really set
46:38
in and I was alone. The phone calls had stopped,
46:47
the messages stopped. You know how it goes. You know
46:51
that everyone's with you the first six months after you
46:54
lose a loved one. Then after that you're left to
46:57
deal with it on y'all. And I didn't know what
47:01
to do. I got back into doing my podcast. I
47:05
had met a new guy who's not my husband, and
47:13
I just said, why why do you keep me here?
47:23
I wanted to die when my father passed. When the
47:27
reality set in, I wanted to die. I wanted to go.
47:30
I wanted to be with him. God says, I kept
47:36
you here. You have purpose. Do what you do best.
47:44
And I said, for God, I don't know what. He said, Yes,
47:46
you do. You do what you do best. You love
47:50
on people, you pour into people, so I got back
47:56
into doing my podcast, Beautiful Moment Me again until reality
48:03
set in and I didn't know what to do after that.
48:09
You know, how do you go on? How do you
48:17
just pick up when you lose a parent. One thing
48:26
I gotta say is you have to acknowledge and process
48:29
your grief. You gotta validate those feelings, you gotta experience it,
48:33
you gotta talk about it. So when I got into therapy,
48:39
she told me, she said, you have to stop letting
48:42
March fourth be a reminder. I say, but that. She say,
48:47
but other things have happened on March fourth. And I
48:53
told her, I said, but if I don't acknowledge it,
48:57
then I'm forgetting my dad. She said, no, you're not.
49:03
She said, March for twenty twenty one was his death day,
49:07
not twenty twenty two, not twenty twenty three, not March
49:10
for twenty twenty four, not March for twenty twenty five.
49:13
She said, so many things have happened on that day,
49:17
but you want to hold onto that one piece of
49:21
that day. I say, but that's the only way, She say,
49:25
Are you sure that's the only way you can remember
49:27
your dad? I say yes. She says, no, it's not.
49:32
She said, how does your dad look? So I showed
49:34
up and she say, there, he is right there, and
49:37
I'm looking. I say, what do you mean? She said,
49:39
you you your father is still with you. He's not gone,
49:49
she say physically, but mentally and especially he's still with you.
49:55
You're still here. I wake up every day and I said,
50:00
see my dad's face, I said, that beautiful smile. I
50:03
can hear him cheering me on, telling me how proud
50:06
he is of me. I could hear that. So I
50:11
had to validate my feelings I had. My feelings were
50:13
that I was angry because how dare you you take?
50:17
Why did you only give me thirty plus years of
50:20
my dad or forty plus years of my dad? Why
50:25
when you get people that whose parents are still alive,
50:28
that get to say, But actually, that's a selfish way
50:31
of thinking. I'm so sorry. My therapist told me. She said,
50:37
that's a selfish way to think. She said, you have
50:41
some people that get no time. I didn't even think
50:47
about it like that, and then I had to experience it.
50:56
I had to feel the grief. I acknowledged that I
51:00
was grieving. I had to acknowledged that I was angry,
51:04
that I was sad that I was confused, that I
51:09
just I didn't understand. And that's when I began to
51:15
process my grief that I had every right to be angry.
51:22
I have every right to be sad. I had every
51:24
right to be confused about why. You know. I had
51:28
every reason to ask God why? And God said, because
51:34
it was his time, his assignment was done. But you
51:40
keep writing in your book. So I had to ask,
51:53
how do I start my next chapter? God said, first,
52:00
you pick up the pen, and you're right. So that's
52:09
what I did. I wrote down how I felt. I
52:16
wrote down how angry I was. I wrote down how
52:18
mad I was at him for leaving me because we
52:21
still had more time, at least, I thought. So I
52:35
didn't write to feel that and having to talk about
52:39
it was rough in the beginning, you know, having to
52:42
relive that day, and I mean from the phone call
52:46
all the way till I laid him down to rest.
52:53
It was rough. It was rough. It was very rough.
53:00
And Jael says, my adopted dad passed when I was three,
53:03
so it's just me and my brother and my mother
53:06
for thirty two years. She passed nineteen years ago. She said,
53:10
up until seven years ago, it was just my children
53:13
and my husband. But God is good and I know,
53:17
she said, my biological family found me and I have
53:19
a dad and a sister that I love. And I
53:22
remember as jail, when you went to go meet your dad.
53:25
Oh my god, I'm over here crying for you. So
53:30
Sheina says, welcome back, big sister, Thank you. I'm your baby.
53:37
So again, going back, how do we deal with the grief?
53:46
How do you acknowledge it? You know, you gotta process it,
53:50
But again, you have to know your feelings are valid.
53:53
You have every right again and I'm gonna repeat this again,
53:56
you have every right to be angry, to be upset,
53:59
to be confused. That's grief. But how do you handle that.
54:09
You have to understand that you have to prioritize your
54:12
self care, your physical needs. You gotta rest. See, when
54:18
my father passed, I didn't get a chance to. I
54:21
had to plan a funeral. I had to I had
54:24
to do this. I had to do that so I
54:25
couldn't grieve. I forgot about me. And then once I
54:29
got home, it was like phone calls wouldn't stop. His
54:33
family calling me, Well, ask you, what do you want
54:35
to do? We gotta do this, We gotta do that.
54:37
At that point, I told him, you call me when
54:40
everything is done, because that's just how ragged they were
54:44
running me. The fact that I couldn't even grieve my father.
54:49
I couldn't even just sit for a moment and breathe
54:53
without them calling me, well, how do you want the program?
54:56
So look, how do you want this? How do you
54:58
you know what? At that, do whatever y'all want. At
55:00
that point, that's where I was, do whatever y'all want.
55:05
But I didn't get a chance to prioritize my self care,
55:08
my physical needs. I didn't get to rest. I had
55:11
to go back to work. I'm running on three four
55:17
hours of sleep still, and then when the funeral came,
55:25
I don't even think I rested. Then another way, you
55:33
gotta honor their memory, and you definitely gotta seek support.
55:39
Share the beautiful memories that you had with your with
55:42
your mom and your dad. Share that I tried. Let
55:48
me say this, so I tried the group, the grief groups,
55:52
the support groups. It wasn't for me. That just was
55:57
not for me. And then you gotta ask for help.
56:03
I got into therapy, but then I stopped going because
56:08
I was like, I got this, I'm good now, until
56:14
my word came crashing down again, that breakdown his birthday.
56:22
I was like, why is he not here? He should
56:26
be celebrating his birthday. I even sent a text to
56:30
his phone. I knew it was off, but I thought
56:35
maybe he was still read it. I was low key
56:39
hoping to get a response, even if it wasn't for him,
56:46
because again, I was so used to I was Sunday conversations.
56:54
So you got to honor their memory. You gotta remember
56:57
the beautiful parts about them. A lot of our a
57:01
lot of our love. Our mothers and fathers didn't have
57:04
a lot of beautiful parts. Some of them caused more
57:08
pain than love. But with a little bit of love,
57:14
you have hold on to that. Let all the other
57:18
stuff go. Let let let the bad parts of them go,
57:23
and hold on to the good. Like I said, my
57:25
father was not perfect. My father was not the best man,
57:29
you know. And I can, and I can say that
57:32
my father did a lot of things to people while
57:35
he was here. I don't approve, and I've called him
57:41
out on it. But there were some good times that
57:46
I had with my dad. It wasn't a lot, but
57:51
I cherished the few good memories I have taking them
57:57
out to eat. I remember going to see him and
58:00
went in a Chinese food you know. We talked to
58:03
a little football, you know. He was a he was
58:05
a he liked Alabama. He was a roll time than
58:09
mm hmm. But it was just the conversations I got
58:16
to have with him as I got older, being able
58:21
to ask questions about things that I had heard, questions about,
58:28
why wasn't he there for us, you know, or for me?
58:35
I got that and I didn't do that for him.
58:39
I did that for me because I was reclaiming my power.
58:42
You understand, I was. I was in the season of forgiving,
58:46
and in order for me to heal, I had to forgive.
58:48
I had to forgive my father for the things that
58:50
he did. I had to forgive my father for his shortcomings.
58:53
I had to forgive him for the things he did
58:54
to my mother, you know. I had to forgive for
58:56
the things he did to my sister. I had to forgive,
58:59
not for him, but for me. But I think the guilt,
59:05
you know what, let me correct that, the guilt of
59:09
not being able to talk to him, because our last
59:11
conversation was an argument. It was and I had the
59:17
opportunity to call I chose not to. I'm stubborn, I'm
59:22
hard headed. Me and him were just to like two
59:26
sagittariuss bumping heads. But then when I sat down and
59:32
like I said, I had that conversation with God, God
59:37
explained it to me. Because I was confused, I didn't understand,
59:44
but God gave me clarity. He said, I wanted that
59:49
to be the last conversation. I said, for God, but
59:54
I want He said again, Ashley, had you have had
59:59
that last conversation station, you probably would, he said, Baby,
1:00:03
you probably would have been a whole mess around him.
1:00:05
You probably would have been I said, I know, I
1:00:07
get it. So I'm okay. My father's birthday is Friday,
1:00:14
mm hmm, but my anniversary is Saturday. One year I've
1:00:21
been mad to my husband. My father's birthday is Friday.
1:00:25
I'm gonna celebrate. I'm gonna celebrate. Although again he's not
1:00:33
here physically. My father still lives within me. My father
1:00:36
is still here with me, just like your mom, your dad.
1:00:41
As long as you're here, your family is still here.
1:00:44
Your mother and father are still here, they still live
1:00:47
through you. They're still here. And Jel says every right,
1:00:54
she say, one day at a time. So Sheina says,
1:00:58
it's been one year since my mom pa, Oh my god, Toushina,
1:01:04
you know, oh my god. She says, I'm getting better,
1:01:10
but I still grieve her and the time I missed
1:01:13
out on She saying, I deal with death and grief
1:01:18
every day as a dispatcher, and it it's so triggering
1:01:20
at times, especially the calls that a person passed away
1:01:24
the same way my mom did. And then she says,
1:01:28
roll tied girl. But Toshina, I remember being on the
1:01:34
phone with you the day before your mom. Oh my god,
1:01:47
let me breathe through this. I remember talking to you.
1:01:56
I think he was on the phone with three four hours.
1:02:00
I don't know. I know we was on the phone
1:02:02
for a long time, and you were making a cake,
1:02:06
a Harry Potter cake, and we talked about you making
1:02:09
my cinnamon rolls. Yeah, okay, I ain't forgotten, no teasing.
1:02:18
But and then I was going to get tired of
1:02:22
battery for my car and you call and I missed
1:02:25
your call. And when I called you back, I was
1:02:28
like what. Then I get on Facebook and I see
1:02:34
your posts and I'm just like what, Like we were
1:02:40
just on the phone, literally, you understand, Like we were
1:02:46
just on the phone. How could you call me? You know?
1:02:50
And it was just and it brought me back to
1:02:52
the day that I lost my dad and I said,
1:02:57
I gotta show up from my friend. Man, I gotta
1:02:59
be there for my sister, you know. And I think
1:03:04
that day we were on the phone waiting, Like I remember,
1:03:16
I was on the phone with you for like what
1:03:17
two hours the day she passed while we were waiting
1:03:21
for them to come pick her body up, like just everything,
1:03:24
and I'm talking to your husband.
1:03:27
Speaker 2: Just just just know I will forever love you and
1:03:35
I will forever be in your corner.
1:03:40
Speaker 1: Mmm. I oh, I just remember that day. I just
1:03:46
remember that day. So she didn said four hours talking
1:03:51
about her birthday and planning for my website for my business,
1:03:54
That's why I said. And then the next day that Saturday,
1:03:59
we were on the phone for like two hours. Family there,
1:04:03
your husband talking to me. I'm talking to you, you
1:04:07
not even paying attention to nobody. You talking to me
1:04:11
like you had family over there, and you were just
1:04:14
like no. You was like, man, I'm talking to my sister.
1:04:16
And I just I felt so helpless in that moment
1:04:19
because I couldn't even just hug you. Man. I just
1:04:26
And that's why I tell people, man, you gotta show up.
1:04:37
You gotta show up other ways to deal with grief.
1:04:45
You gotta remember healing takes time, there's no timeline on healing.
1:04:55
And then you gotta recognize triggers. I know, for me, brown,
1:05:04
if I smell a certain type of cologne that my
1:05:06
father used to wear, I think about it. I'm in
1:05:10
the store and I may see someone walking like my dad,
1:05:13
and I'm like, nn, he walks like my dad. I
1:05:16
saw one guy in the store. I say, man, he
1:05:17
looks like my dad. It was like when he first passed.
1:05:20
It was like I was seeing all these people that
1:05:22
looked like my dad because I wanted him to be
1:05:25
here so bad. I wanted him to be here. But
1:05:33
then I also had to remember, we're only here temporary.
1:05:41
We're not here permanently. We're only here temporary, and we
1:05:47
have to remember that. So I just I love as
1:05:56
much as I can. I try to be the best
1:06:01
person I can be because when my time comes, I
1:06:07
have to stand before God and I have to answer
1:06:10
for the things that I've done on this side. I
1:06:14
want to see my grandmother. I want to see my
1:06:16
dad again. I want to see my two babies that
1:06:19
I lost. Someone asked me, they said, if you could
1:06:24
go to heaven for a weekend, who's the first person
1:06:28
you would look for? I say, probably my dad, But
1:06:34
I would definitely go and look for my grandmother to manage.
1:06:39
But I would because I would love to sit in
1:06:42
and just have a conversation with my dad and ask
1:06:45
him did I make you proud? Did you see what
1:06:51
I've been doing? Are you proud of me? Are you
1:06:54
happy that I'm back in my space? Are you happy
1:06:58
that I finally found the man that loves me? Are
1:07:01
you happy that I've mete amends with my mother? Are
1:07:04
you happy that I've become a better parent to my children?
1:07:12
I think I was give them the biggest hug, and
1:07:14
then I would be like, so, what you're cooking to day?
1:07:19
Can I get my sweet potato pie? I would, but again, again,
1:07:26
you have to give yourself grace. You have to know
1:07:31
that healing is not overnight. I know when a person
1:07:35
passes we want to get back to normal, but you
1:07:38
have to understand the new normal, the one without their
1:07:46
physical being, the one where you have to flip the
1:07:50
page and you got to pick the pin up, and
1:07:53
you gotta keep writing because just because their life ended
1:07:59
yours key schooling, you understand h you have to finish.
1:08:12
You have to finish. So another question, does losing a
1:08:21
parent change you? It often leads to a profound sense
1:08:27
of grief, a shifting family roles, and can cause you
1:08:31
to reevaluate your priorities and mortality. Man losing my father,
1:08:38
I had to revisit my relationship with my mother because
1:08:44
I didn't want the guilt of not calling my dad
1:08:50
because I carried that. I've let that go, you know,
1:08:54
Like I said, once I got into therapy and I
1:08:55
got that talking to her and when she explains to me,
1:08:58
and when I started like rereading my Bible, I had
1:09:01
to understand God does things on his time, never hours.
1:09:07
So I had to understand that I had to say, Okay,
1:09:10
all right, God, appreciate your looking out for me. Thank
1:09:15
you for being here for me. Thank you for holding
1:09:21
me on the days that were dark. Thank you for
1:09:24
carrying me on the days that I didn't even think
1:09:26
I could carry myself. So learning to deal with grief,
1:09:35
it starts with you. It starts with extending the grace
1:09:41
to yourself, knowing that it's okay to not be okay,
1:09:45
knowing that what you feel is okay, it's valid. It's
1:09:50
okay for you to be sad, it's okay for you
1:09:53
to be angry, it's okay for you to feel those
1:09:56
range of emotions as you channel through grief. Because again,
1:10:00
now we're navigating a brand new chapter in life without
1:10:05
our mom or dad. We're not gonna wake up and
1:10:12
things are just gonna be back to normal, just like that. No,
1:10:18
I had to pick up the pen and I had
1:10:20
to flip the page and I had to continue on
1:10:23
with the next chapter because that chapter with me and
1:10:26
my father ended in the physical. Let me say that
1:10:29
in the physical it ended, but not in the spiritual.
1:10:35
And I remember I used to beg for my dad
1:10:37
to come to me. I just want to see you,
1:10:38
I just need to see your face, and he would
1:10:42
never come to me. Here it is almost five years
1:10:46
later and I've only seen my dad once and that
1:10:50
was in passing and I begged, wait, wait, come back,
1:10:56
come come back, and he just smiled. That was it.
1:11:06
Maybe he's not ready to come to me. Maybe he
1:11:08
feels I'm not ready for him to come to me,
1:11:11
but I want him to know that I'm ready. I
1:11:15
just want to see him. I just want to hug him.
1:11:19
I just want to have a conversation with him. I
1:11:20
just for five minutes. But I understand if he doesn't.
1:11:28
But again, I won't go to the cemetery because I
1:11:30
don't believe that's him out there. That's that rented body
1:11:34
he had. That was just the shell of him out
1:11:40
there in that casket. That's just him, That's just the shell.
1:11:47
He's not in there. So I ask you, when you
1:11:55
lost your parents, what changed for you? Drop in the comments,
1:11:58
let me know what changed for you and how were
1:12:01
you dealing with your grief of losing a parent, you know,
1:12:05
whether it be your mom, your dad, or both. So
1:12:10
Sheena said, I broke that day. I know you did,
1:12:17
but I just thank God that God allowed me to
1:12:21
be with you in that moment or in those moments.
1:12:25
Let me say that I appreciate God for that. And
1:12:30
I don't want you to ever feel because I know
1:12:31
you felt like you were burden. Know you weren't, because
1:12:35
guess what, I'm on that same road journey to healing
1:12:39
with you. So you were not a burden to me.
1:12:45
I just grabbed your hand and carriage your own with
1:12:48
me because I didn't feel so alone. I had someone
1:12:55
that I can walk with now and we can talk
1:12:57
about it, that we could grieve together. That's the way
1:13:01
I thought about it, and I still look at that
1:13:03
to this day, that we are all on a journey
1:13:08
to healing. We are all on we have all experienced
1:13:11
some type of grief, and we're all on the path
1:13:14
to healing. Some of us have healed faster than others,
1:13:18
some of us. We're still trying to get there. But
1:13:22
I want people to know this is not a sprint.
1:13:25
It's not a oh we get to the finish line first. No,
1:13:31
because grief, the way grief is and people, it's different.
1:13:37
It's different. Everyone grieves differently. Not one person grieves the
1:13:42
same me. I cried, I couldn't eat, I didn't bathe
1:13:49
couldn't get out of the bed. I put blackout shades
1:13:51
all through my apartment because I felt safe, because I
1:13:54
didn't want to deal with the world, because guess what
1:13:56
if I had to deal with the world, that means
1:13:58
I had to deal with the reality of my dad
1:13:59
being gone on So, yes, anybody that is on this
1:14:08
road of grief. I'm with you. Grab my hand, and
1:14:13
let's walk it together. You understand. Let's do it together.
1:14:17
Let's heal together, Let's love together, Let's cry together if
1:14:21
we have to. You understand, Let's be angry together, if
1:14:24
that's what we gotta do to get over that heel.
1:14:29
I'm not even mad about it. You understand. I'm not
1:14:33
angry now that my father is gone, because I know
1:14:38
when it's my time, I'm gonna be able to see
1:14:41
them again. That those chapters with my father had to end.
1:14:46
They ended in twenty twenty one, and I had to
1:14:48
pick up the pen and I had to flip the
1:14:50
page and I had to write the next chapter. But
1:14:55
what are you doing? The page is blink. What do
1:14:58
you do when the ink doesn't come out of the pin?
1:15:03
What do you do? How do you deal with that?
1:15:11
One day? I had to because then I had to
1:15:15
talk about it. So I had to express what I
1:15:21
was feeling when I lost my dad. I had to
1:15:27
write it down. And again, y'all, I had secluded my
1:15:32
I had isolated myself from the world because I didn't
1:15:35
want to deal with the world. I didn't want to
1:15:36
deal with the reality of knowing that my father was gone.
1:15:40
My father was no longer here in body. He was dead.
1:15:44
How I questioned, I said, God, you got all these
1:15:50
evil people room in the world. Why is my dad gone?
1:15:54
You know? I just couldn't understand. But then again, I y'all,
1:16:00
I had to sit down and I had to self
1:16:03
reflect that death is inevitable. We all have to go.
1:16:08
We're all gonna go. Some assignments last longer than others.
1:16:13
Some don't even get past the first Some people don't
1:16:16
even get past the prologue. Some people don't even make
1:16:19
it past chapter six. Some people make it to chapter
1:16:22
ninety nine. Some people don't even make it to chapter fifty.
1:16:25
We don't know. But I had to figure out, how
1:16:31
do I get back up? How do I turn this page?
1:16:34
How do I start this next chapter in my life?
1:16:43
Miss Angel says thank you for sharing your story. She said,
1:16:45
I'm at it to bed, but I hope to catch
1:16:48
another podcast of yours. God Bless you and Jell God
1:16:53
Bless you. I love you, and every Tuesday, every Wednesday.
1:16:58
So again, So for those that are just tuning in,
1:17:01
I'm so sorry, y'all. Welcome to Black Girling to a
1:17:03
Brother podcast. So for the month of December, we're talking
1:17:06
about grief everything grief. How do you deal with losing
1:17:10
a parent, how do you deal with losing a spouse,
1:17:12
how do you deal with losing a child? How do
1:17:14
you deal with losing a grandparent? You know, how do
1:17:16
you how do you deal with losing a sibling. And
1:17:19
then we're gonna circumvent and come back and we're gonna
1:17:21
discuss what grief really is and how do we really
1:17:25
truly handle it? So to Sheina says, yes, it does.
1:17:32
She says, I love on my mother in law even
1:17:34
harder since I lost my mom. She's been helping me cope.
1:17:38
And there's my cousin. She says, I love you, cousin.
1:17:41
I love you too. When I tell you, that was
1:17:47
the woman, one of the women that helped me when
1:17:51
my father passed, She was the first person I went
1:17:56
to go see after everything was done, I did. I
1:18:03
went to go see her. And when I tell you,
1:18:07
that woman though, she hugged on me and she loved
1:18:12
on me. And then I came back in October when
1:18:18
my cousin got married, and I said, you know, she said,
1:18:22
you know, your dad was supposed to officiate Brianna's wedding.
1:18:27
I said, well, I guess I'm here to stand in
1:18:29
for him. She said, I guess you are. But I
1:18:35
did it. I made it. I got over that ump.
1:18:43
And when I tell you here, I am as almost
1:18:46
five years my father's been gone, and everything gets easier
1:18:50
for me. It doesn't hurt as much when I look
1:18:54
at the pictures, It doesn't hurt as much as when
1:18:57
I talk about the day that he passed. But I
1:19:01
still won't go to the cemetery. I'm sorry, no go
1:19:07
for that, because again, he's not there. My father's with me.
1:19:15
I don't need a cemetery because I look at it.
1:19:18
I look in the mirror and I see his face,
1:19:22
So I don't need that. I gotta do another episode, y'all.
1:19:29
I got a little emotional. I didn't get too too
1:19:31
too tough. So as I go ahead and I and
1:19:34
I bring everything to a close. Grief has no expiration date.
1:19:43
When it comes to losing a parent. M when it
1:19:53
comes to losing a parent, understand your life will change.
1:20:00
You have to understand that there's no timeline on grief.
1:20:06
There's no expiration date on it. But in order for
1:20:11
you to heal and deal. You got to validate those feelings.
1:20:16
You gotta experience it, you gotta talk about it. You
1:20:19
can't hold it in, because holding in is going to
1:20:22
make you sick. Being able to share, excuse me. Being
1:20:32
able to share and express how I felt on Martin
1:20:39
Support twenty twenty one till now has made a world
1:20:43
of difference in my healing journey. Knowing that I'm not alone,
1:20:52
Knowing that I don't have to carry this weight by myself,
1:20:55
that it's okay for me to have those not so
1:20:57
good days. It's okay for me to reflect and say, oh, man,
1:21:04
I wonder what my dad would say if he was here.
1:21:08
I wonder whatever. I wish I could get the phone
1:21:11
and call, But he's still with me. Anyone that's lost
1:21:20
the mom or a dad, or has lost both, they're
1:21:24
still with you. As long as you are still here,
1:21:28
they live within you. They're still here, maybe not in body,
1:21:34
but in spirit. I hear my dad sometimes, I hear
1:21:39
him laughing. Sometimes I hear him in the house and
1:21:45
I have to tell him, Dad to stop. Believe that alone.
1:21:48
My cousin says, yes, he's with you always. He is.
1:21:54
And although I don't have the physical I have the memories.
1:21:58
Though I had the good times that me and my
1:22:02
dad had together. We had some bad, but we had
1:22:07
some good too. And that's what I will always hold
1:22:11
near dear to my heart, is that I'm William Joseph
1:22:15
Pitts Junior's daughter. And although some may have ill blood,
1:22:23
I'm still proud of calling my dad because he gave
1:22:27
birth to greatness. Honey, he did and he did. But
1:22:34
I say this to everyone, take care of yourself, get
1:22:40
the rest you need, hold on to those memories. If
1:22:49
it gets too heavy, seek help, ask for support. Don't
1:22:53
deal with this by yourself. I know people say, well
1:22:57
I got it, I got it, I got it. I
1:22:58
thought I did too, until I broke down and the
1:23:04
reality of a set in. But I finally flipped the
1:23:09
page and now the ink rights from my pen m.
1:23:19
I got through another episode. So let me say this.
1:23:23
Tomorrow night, we'll be back and I'll be on time.
1:23:26
Tomorrow I had to run in and I had to
1:23:29
do a couple of errands, and I just knew I
1:23:30
was gonna be back on time, but unfortunately traffic would
1:23:33
not let me. But tomorrow night we are going to
1:23:36
be talking about what it's like how do you do
1:23:40
with losing a spouse? So again, for everyone new tuning
1:23:44
in to Black Girl Interrupt the podcast, I am live
1:23:47
every Tuesday, every Wednesday at seven pm Central Time eight
1:23:50
pm Eastern Time, streaming live to Facebook as well as YouTube.
1:23:57
I am on all streaming platforms. I'm always looking for guests.
1:24:01
I'm always looking to collaborate. So if anyone wants to collaborate,
1:24:04
y'all send me a message, send me a DM. Here
1:24:08
is my email address. It is black Girl Interrupted Podcast
1:24:12
at gmail dot com. Anyone that's interested in collaborating, Anyone
1:24:17
that has had some ideas that there's show ideas. If
1:24:20
there's a topic that you want me to discuss that
1:24:22
you may not have heard anywhere else and you want
1:24:24
me to discuss it, send it to me. Let's get it.
1:24:27
Let's get it for twenty twenty six, like we are
1:24:29
going to end this beautiful year with the bang I promised.
1:24:32
I promised, my promise. My cousin says, yes, you are
1:24:37
his daughter. She says, you made me so proud of you, cousin,
1:24:40
And you know what that means so much to me.
1:24:44
I don't think you understand that. When my father first
1:24:49
passed you were the only person I wanted to see
1:24:53
after that. So don't tell any when I said that,
1:24:58
but I did because I remember how good you were
1:25:02
to me when I was in California, and I'll always
1:25:07
be grateful for that. I just appreciate you just standing
1:25:11
in a gap for me. I just appreciate you just
1:25:13
loving on me. I appreciate you just making yourself available
1:25:16
for me even now, and it's been almost five years,
1:25:21
but I just I love you. I don't even think
1:25:24
you understand that you are so you were just absolutely amazing.
1:25:32
You were so great to me, and I, like I said,
1:25:35
I'll forever be grateful for that because the things that
1:25:39
you did for me you didn't even have to do.
1:25:43
You didn't even have to do, but you did. So
1:25:48
I'm giving you your flowers while you can still see them.
1:25:52
So yes, So, anyone any show ideas. That's the email address,
1:25:56
black Girl Intern the podcast. I need to post a
1:25:59
link for the for the website.
1:26:02
Speaker 2: I have to go on.
1:26:02
Speaker 1: I still have to make some changes to it, but
1:26:04
it looks absolutely amazing. But I will be back tomorrow night,
1:26:10
seven pm Central time, APM Eastern time. Don't forget to like, share, subscribe, comment,
1:26:16
don't forget to tell a friend. Bring a friend, Tell
1:26:19
them how we do it over here, Black girl interrupt
1:26:20
the podcast. Tell him. We talk about all things black.
1:26:24
We talk about all things black, mental health, we talk
1:26:28
about adoption, sexual assault, we talk about everything. But again,
1:26:32
for the month of December, it's grief. That's what we're
1:26:35
talking about. But again, I just want to say, I
1:26:39
love y'all. I hope everyone has a beautiful, beautiful night.
1:26:43
We got a couple of more comments. Let me see
1:26:44
my cousin. You're welcome. You are so welcome. I can't
1:26:48
wait to see you in person in a few months.
1:26:50
So once my husband is done with his radiation treatments,
1:26:56
I'll talk about that tomorrow. And too, we're coming to Cali,
1:27:00
so it'll be sometime in March. So because I'm working
1:27:04
two jobs and I can't take you any time off
1:27:07
from my second job until March, so hold tight. I
1:27:10
can't wait to see you. I can't wait to love
1:27:12
on you. Girl. It's going downy And please have some
1:27:16
food for me. Thanks. I want some barbecue. Thanks. I
1:27:20
appreciate it. But on that note, I just want to say,
1:27:24
I love you, I love you, I love you, I
1:27:26
love you. I love you. I will see you guys
1:27:28
tomorrow night. Don't forget seven pm Central Time, eight pm
1:27:32
Eastern Time. I stream live on all streaming platforms. So
1:27:35
if you put in black Girl and walk the podcast,
1:27:38
I'm gonna come up. Your girl is trying to make
1:27:40
some big moves for twenty twenty six. So I love y'all.
1:27:45
I hope your rest well. I hope we have a
1:27:47
beautiful rest of your night, and most importantly, hope we
1:27:50
have a beautiful day tomorrow. And whatever happened today, leave
1:27:54
it on today. Don't worry about what happened today, focus
1:27:57
on tomorrow, all right, Love you, Holor