Latest / Heavyweight / The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 6

Transcript

The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 6 · Heavyweight

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: Previously on Miller High Life Presents The Heavyweight Diaries. Can't
• 0:06
  Speaker 1: wait to hear the first episode of the new season.
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: I have not. Timothy Nelson is our union representative Subway Sandwich,
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: Timothy Nelson. Are we all set for our listening part?
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Timothy Nelson Gimbletz executive listening room is a darkened chamber
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: with the deadened acoustics of a sarcophagus. We all find
• 0:37
  Speaker 1: our seats. Stevie and Khalila take the couch, and Heavyweight
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: Union head Timothy Nelson commandeer's a backwards office chair. Nelson
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: don's his careful listening face a horrid affair that involves
• 0:52
  Speaker 1: squinting his eyes, tilting his head beatifically, and I can
• 0:56
  Speaker 1: only assume tightly puckering his colon. Finally, Bloomberg drags his
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: silver plated Peloton bicycle into the center of the room.
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: Hope you don't mind if I take a spin while
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: I take it all in, he says, And Timothy Nelson,
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: let's loose a belly chuckle sick a fantic enough to
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: make my spermatic cord unraveled at great expense. Only weeks earlier,
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: re ravel as much an enemy of capitalism as he was,
• 1:27
  Speaker 1: Timothy Nelson still couldn't help kissing the ring, and by ring,
• 1:32
  Speaker 1: I mean caboose, Alex Bloomberg's executive Ask caboose, nice one, chief,
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: says Nelson, chasing after Bloomberg's two wheeler to swat his
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: foot in camaraderie. Once the room settles down, I squint
• 1:49
  Speaker 1: through the darkness. Eight beady eyes stare back at me,
• 1:53
  Speaker 1: expectant and unblinking, like a pack of rabid raccoons about
• 1:58
  Speaker 1: to tear through a garbage bag full of content. My
• 2:09
  Speaker 1: only option is to stall. I succeed in buying myself
• 2:13
  Speaker 1: ten minutes by accidentally rebooting my computer several times, but
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: the room is growing restless. What is a heavyweight? I
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: ask a portmanteau composed of two separate words, heavy meaning
• 2:27
  Speaker 1: to exert a gravitational pull and wait, something that can
• 2:32
  Speaker 1: be hoisted either in a curling motion or from a
• 2:35
  Speaker 1: squatting position. While my mouth jabbers on autopilot, my brain
• 2:41
  Speaker 1: is in a terrible sweat. Think Johnny, Think stories. Stories,
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: But of the billions of stories to steal and repurpose,
• 2:51
  Speaker 1: only two come to mind, The seminal kiddie book Good
• 2:54
  Speaker 1: Night Moon, in which a suicidal rabbit bids adieu to
• 2:58
  Speaker 1: his earthly possessions, and that poem about footsteps in the sand.
• 3:03
  Speaker 1: Please give me something else, I beg my throbbing brain.
• 3:08
  Speaker 1: Good night podcast. It whispers back, good night Healthcare, good
• 3:13
  Speaker 1: night Twitter followers. But just as I'm about to initiate
• 3:17
  Speaker 1: Plan B, tearing down the window curtains and a curtain
• 3:20
  Speaker 1: clutching fake heart attack worthy of Red Fox, a third
• 3:25
  Speaker 1: story enters my brain. Pan no, please, I scream and
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: think get out, as I will later recount in increasing
• 3:42
  Speaker 1: states of hysteria to increasingly expensive therapists. It's in this
• 3:47
  Speaker 1: moment that my fate hops into a potato sack with
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: Timothy Nelson's fate. Before I even knew what I was saying,
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: I was saying this. The scene is set in in
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: an office elevator, as one man tells the tale of
• 4:03
  Speaker 1: Sandwich is gone AWRYE if you will, I laugh at
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: my own joke to enforce its comedic properties. I don't
• 4:14
  Speaker 1: get it, says Stevie. I think I do, says Khalila.
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: I shoot them a stern look and continue. My girlfriend
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: wanted a subway sandwich without olives. The man says, and
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: I wanted a subway sandwich with olives. That's me, cries
• 4:33
  Speaker 1: Timothy Nelson. I am that man. With a wave of
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: my storytelling arm I shush him down. Ah, but with
• 4:42
  Speaker 1: impish leco slavic lord of misrule helming the wheel of
• 4:46
  Speaker 1: this supper wagon we call life. Nothing is ever certain.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: And so the man who desperately drooled for a sandwich
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: with olives received the one without, while his lady friend,
• 4:59
  Speaker 1: vigorously salivating for a sandwich without olives, received a sandwich with.
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: Will these star crossed sandwiches ever find their rightful sandwich eaters? Well,
• 5:13
  Speaker 1: why don't they just swap sandwiches? Asks S Bloomberg. Why, indeed,
• 5:19
  Speaker 1: I wonder it's just as I'm about to admit defeat.
• 5:23
  Speaker 1: Admit that I have nothing. Admit that, like a half
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: baked sandwich bread made without yeast, this plotline has no
• 5:30
  Speaker 1: rising action. Admit that, yes, Alex, this is indeed the
• 5:34
  Speaker 1: most asinine story ever told. It is at this exact
• 5:38
  Speaker 1: moment of my final comeuppance that Timothy Nelson grants me
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: a kind of salvation. My special lady is allergic to
• 5:48
  Speaker 1: pickled peppers pipes. He and my sandwich was populated by
• 5:52
  Speaker 1: a peck of them. And like the humble sandwich, so
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: too is man, I say, already hearing the well of
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: orchestral music in my mind's ear. Like sandwiches, are we
• 6:05
  Speaker 1: not assembled according to a greater, unknowable plan? Who among
• 6:09
  Speaker 1: us has not found themselves slathered in the mayonnaise of doubt,
• 6:13
  Speaker 1: sliced in two by the bread knife of self hatred?
• 6:16
  Speaker 1: Had our crusts removed by the attentive mother of anxiety?
• 6:21
  Speaker 1: Who among us will not be chewed up, devoured, and
• 6:25
  Speaker 1: excreted before our time? Out of the darkness, I see
• 6:34
  Speaker 1: Timothy Nelson wipe a tear from his cheek. So true,
• 6:38
  Speaker 1: he says, But what if that olive, burdened couple had
• 6:42
  Speaker 1: the chance at a do over? I continue affecting the
• 6:46
  Speaker 1: voice of a wizard casting a magic spell, and could
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: confront the sandwich maker who got their orders so horribly wrong.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: If you allow yourself to venture past the limits of
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: your earthly imagination, try to invent what such a conversation
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: might yield. Bloomberg stops peddling his three thousand dollars wheelless bicycle,
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: his attention wrapped interviewing the subway sandwich artist who got
• 7:12
  Speaker 1: the order wrong. He says, of course, to offer the
• 7:17
  Speaker 1: mustard of forbearance, I say, the sweet tapanad of forgiveness.
• 7:23
  Speaker 1: Timothy Nelson is now openly blubbering, damn you and your storytelling,
• 7:28
  Speaker 1: he weeps. And for an added layer of narrative richness,
• 7:32
  Speaker 1: I say, the man eavesdropping in the elevator was none
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: other than the host of Heavyweight himself. You were wearing earbuds,
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: cries Nelson with incredulity. And when I asked you how
• 7:46
  Speaker 1: your weekend was, you ordered me to pipe down because
• 7:50
  Speaker 1: you were listening to a podcast. But you weren't listening
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: to a podcast at all. Oh but I was, I say,
• 7:58
  Speaker 1: just one that was yet to be recorded. Beautiful, says Bloomberg.
• 8:14
  Speaker 1: The symmetry is breathtaking. In response, all of us in
• 8:18
  Speaker 1: the room, dutifully quoting from the Gimlet Manifesto, recite in unison,
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: symmetry divided by catharsis and multiplied by advertising dollars equals storytelling.
• 8:31
  Speaker 1: We all take deeply satisfying SIPs from the miller high lifes.
• 8:36
  Speaker 1: We've all been drinking, and that I never mentioned until
• 8:40
  Speaker 1: this moment. You and Timothy will have to work together
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: very closely on this one. Bloomberg says, I'm seeing a
• 8:53
  Speaker 1: co reporting situation. I don't know, I say, Khleland, Stevie are.
• 9:00
  Speaker 1: He's telling me that Heavyweights more of a one man operation.
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: We could sell some product placement, brand opportunities to Subway,
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: says Bloomberg, steamrolling me. And maybe you can also find
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: out why subway bread smells the way it does. You
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: mean smelling like if you put an armpit in a
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Betty Crocker easy bake oven and set it on high.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: I ask that smell. I love the smell of subway bread,
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: says Timothy Nelson. Bloomberg laughs and claps his hands together.
• 9:33
  Speaker 1: I'm just loving the banter here, he says. I know
• 9:37
  Speaker 1: we can put our political differences aside and the interest
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: of creating some compelling content, says Timothy Nelson, And then
• 9:46
  Speaker 1: for some reason, he extends his fist to me uncertainly.
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: I grab hold of it and shake. I had saved
• 9:55
  Speaker 1: the show, But at what price? This has been Chapter
• 10:02
  Speaker 1: six of the Heavyweight Diaries. The next season of Heavyweight
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: will begin in three weeks on September twenty sixth. Remember
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: September twenty sixth is Spotify Day. Actually, every day is
• 10:15
  Speaker 1: Spotify Day, at least according to the corporate mantra we're
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: forced to repeat every morning. Heavyweight is me Jonathan Goldstein
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: along with Jorge just Stevie Lane, Khalila Holt, and b A. Parker.
• 10:27
  Speaker 1: This episode was mixed by Emamonger, music by Bobby Lord.
• 10:31
  Speaker 1: Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring, performed by the Wichita
• 10:35
  Speaker 1: State University Chamber Players. Will have a new chapter of
• 10:38
  Speaker 1: the Heavyweight Diaries next week.