Latest / Sober Readings / Came To Believe - Ch 4 Remaining Stories
Transcript
- Scott Hayes: Came to believe the spiritual adventure of AA as experienced by individual members. Hey everybody, welcome back to Sober Readings. My name is Scott. I am glad you're here with me. Today is actually Monday. It's not Sunday, but today's Labor Day. And as you can see, I missed publishing this episode yesterday on Sunday. But that's okay. We're gonna get right back to it today. We are on chapter four today, I believe. And chapter four is titled Release from Obsession. And I'll go ahead and read the intro again. In the late stages of our drinking, the will to resist has fled. Yet when we admit complete defeat and when we become entirely ready to try AA principles, our obsession leaves us and we enter a new dimension: freedom under God as we understand him. That was written by Bill W. in a letter in 1966. So let's go ahead and get started on chapter 4. There are three stories left, and the first one is titled Stay sober on love. I had been around AA for almost two years and had had little success at staying sober. One day I found myself in a small room in downtown Toronto, having drunk myself out of the love and respect of a lovely wife, four healthy children, a mother, a father, other relatives, and friends. I was alone once again, with those terrible feelings of complete isolation and fear of impending doom. So once again, filled with hate, envy, lust, fear. slothfulness, and most of all, total helplessness, I presented myself at the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous. My AA friends were somewhat skeptical about my return to the fold, justifiably having watched me bounce around and put together only six months of continuous sobriety. But I thank God for the compassion, the love, and the understanding of an AA husband and wife team, who helped me to live and breathe AA for the next forty five days. Through telephone conversations, open meetings, discussion meetings, long talks at the kitchen table, and most important, prayer. I had mocked the spiritual aspect of our program on many previous occasions, claiming that this god business was for sissies and hypocrites. But this time it was different. After my last drunk, I knew that it would be death or insanity for me if I kept on drinking. This time I prayed. I somehow felt that if there was a power greater than myself who could relieve me of this suffering, then I had better try to find him. On my forty fifth day of new sobriety, I returned to the small room in downtown Toronto and sank into a depression that no words can describe. It was as if my body and my soul were completely divided. I saw, as clearly as I will ever see, the complete futility of my existence and the destruction brought about by my stubborn, and the prideful delusion that I could have just a few. I had reached a point in life where I could not go on alone, drunk or sober. That, my friends, was a loneliness I hope I never forget. A very strange thing happened to me that afternoon. I refused to give in and take a drink. After almost three hours of agony, I cried out for God's help, and I left the room with a strength that I had never thought it possible to attain. For the next two weeks I felt turned on with no booze and no other drugs. For the first time in my adult life, I was unmistakably aware of the living presence of God within myself and the universe. Seeing the beauty in a child's face or green grass or a tree and feeling the joy of waking up in the morning with a clear head, looking forward to the day's activities, were new and wonderful experiences. The resentments, the hates, the fears. All seemed to be lifted. I was able to forgive and forget. The things I thought I needed for so many years no longer seem important, now that I have become aware of the spiritual resources God has given me. With these, I don't need alcohol to function. What a joy to stay sober on love instead of fear. Since that time I have enjoyed some seventeen months of sobriety. I write this for the alcoholic who feels he or she has gone too far against God's will in actions, words, and deeds ever to get them well again. If you are sincere in your prayers, this wonderful gift is available to you as it was to me. Toronto, Ontario. Next up is a story that comes from Birmingham, Alabama, and it's titled Ask God for Strength. My parents provided a wholesome atmosphere for my upbringing, offered me a good education, and took me to their church. But their concept of a fearsome, revengeful God was a threat to me, and I tried to stay far away from him and his believers. Yet the need for the approval of my family and friends was in conflict with my disbelief. Unable to live up to my parents' teaching, I ran and ran, denying myself a belief in God. When I came into AA in nineteen fifty five, I was only thirty one. You are too young, you haven't drunk enough, you haven't suffered enough, some members said. I still had my family, though it was the second one, a job, a bank account, and I was buying a home. All the same, I had hit a high bottom, a low bottom, and all the bottoms in between. So I attended AA meetings, and for five months I awaited the striking. Of a thunderbolt that would transform this young man into a responsible, recovered alcoholic. My vision, however, was limited. My hearing dulled. The disappointment of not experiencing a great spiritual reawakening caused me to relax my efforts to recover. But after each bout with the bottle, I always returned to AA. I had four good sponsors. One was my spiritual advisor with whom I felt little empathy. Each time he stood at the podium, he spoke of God as he understood him. While I resented the references and listened against my will, one day he struck a responding chord. He said, When you have used up all resources of family, friends, doctors, and ministers, there is still one source of help. It is one that never fails and never gives up and is always available and willing. Those words returned to me one morning at the end of a three week binge in a hotel room. I was acutely aware of the shambles my life had become. Now my second marriage was on the rocks, and the children were being hurt. That morning I was able to be honest. I knew I had failed as a father, husband, and son. I had failed at school and in the service, and had lost every job or business I had tried. Neither religion, the medical profession, nor Nor AA had succeeded with me. I felt completely defeated. Then I remembered some of the words of my sponsor. When all else has failed, grab a rope and hang on. Ask God for strength to stay sober for one day. I went into the filthy bathroom and got down on my knees. God teach me to pray, I begged. I remained there a long time, and when I arose and left the room, I knew I never had to drink again. I came to believe that day that God would help me maintain my sobriety. Since then I've come to believe that He will help me with any problem. During the years since my last drink, I haven't encountered as many problems as before. As I grow more capable of understanding the things that have happened to me, I don't think it was on that morning in the hotel that I found God. I think He had been within me at all times, just as He is in all people. And I uncovered him by clearing away the wreckage of my past as the big book recommends. Birmingham, Alabama. And last but not least, Shattered Glass is the last story in chapter four. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. With these words begins Charles Dickens' novel, A Tale of Two Cities. In my life, 1968 was just such a year. As it opened, every move was driving me nearer to despair. My family had long since ceased to say anything to me except that they hoped I would find myself soon. Fortunately, they let me work it out alone. Few alcoholics have this chance. I could have been brought home and hidden, committed to an institution, or told I was no good and abandoned. Instead, love and faith in a higher power told my family to watch and wait. My first call to AA was to have some literature sent. When it came, I devoured every word and continued to drink. Finally, I called AA again. I was afraid to call home to ask to be sent to an institution, though I was convinced I was insane. No sane person would continue to drink if she didn't want to. For about three months I attended meetings four times a week. Rewarding as each encounter with the program was, there still seemed to be a large loophole in my achieving the serenity we pray for so often. During this time, the big book was not mentioned to me. One evening, in a very low mood, I poured myself a drink. It seemed as if someone else was acting in my place. I dropped the glass. As I poured another drink, I found I was praying for help. The second glass fell and shattered as the first had. Undaunted, I poured another, held onto it with both hands, and drained it. Suddenly it became clear that this was not what I wanted. Fear trembled to the surface, and I raced to the phone and shakily dialed the number of a new AA friend. She came at once and spent the entire evening with me. We discussed the first step. And I felt at home with the words. When we got to the second step, I admitted complete confusion. Late that night she left me with those five hundred and seventy-five pages of inspiration called the Big Book. I sat down at once to read. About chapter four, the word hope sprang from the pages with the vividness of neon. I read and reread sentences until I realized that laughter and tears were intermixed and I was no longer seated. But pacing around the room like a madwoman. It was as if a great load had been lifted from my shoulders. For the first time, I began to understand that I couldn't drink like other people, that I wasn't like other people, and that I no longer had to try to be. I felt like Scrooge in another Dickens classic, The Christmas Carol, when he awakes to discover he hasn't missed Christmas after all. He dances, cries, and laughs aloud, just as I was doing. Scrooge and I had been reborn to live life as we had never known it. The crest of this experience lasted several hours. When I fell into an exhausted sleep, it was with the knowledge that I had at last begun my adjustment to life as an alcoholic. From that moment things seemed to change from within. Gradually I could recognize when I was getting in my own way, and I could step aside, for thy will not mine, had become more than mere words. There have been many times when this revelation has been hard to hold on to, but little by little it seems easier every day. My course has become two steps forward, one step backward, two more forward instead of always complete retreat. The days are too short and they are seldom dull. Each day is a new challenge to stay sober and to keep moving straight ahead. And that comes from Charleston, West Virginia. And that brings us to the end of chapter four from Came to Believe. So next week we will start chapter five, which is titled A Spiritual Awakening. And I'll read the intro now. Is sobriety all that we are to expect of a spiritual awakening? No. Sobriety is only a bare beginning. It is only the first gift of the first awakening. If more gifts are to be received, our awakening has to go on. As it does go on, we find that bit by bit, We can discard the old life, the one that didn't work, for a new life that can and does work under any conditions whatever. That was written by Bill W. in a grapevine article in December of nineteen fifty-seven. So we'll begin chapter five next Sunday, and there's nine stories in chapter five. Hey, if you'd like to be a a guest on Sober Readings and help me read Chapter Five, that would be outstanding. Just send me an email at Sober Readings with Scott. At gmail.com and we can make that happen. So that's going to do it for today's episode of Sober Readings. Thank you so much for listening. If you'd like to drop a dollar in the virtual donation basket, I'd appreciate it. Just go to my website, soberreadings.com, and click the donate button. So again, thank you so much for listening. Stay sober, keep reading, and I'll see you in the next episode. Until then, take care of yourselves and each other, and remember, just for today, don't drink, go to a meeting, and keep coming back. Have a great day everyone and as my friend Larry says, best day ever.