Latest / Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor / How can I set boundaries with a difficult friend?

Transcript

How can I set boundaries with a difficult friend? · Wellbeing Solutions - Ask A Counsellor

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, setting boundaries with a difficult friend can feel really uncomfortable, especially if you've experienced relationships in the past where your needs weren't respected.
• 0:10
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes when we've been through difficult or traumatic experiences, setting a boundary can feel much bigger than simply saying, I don't like that or I don't want that to happen.
• 0:20
  SPEAKER_00: Our nervous systems respond as though we're putting ourselves at risk.
• 0:24
  SPEAKER_00: You might recognise freezing, becoming overwhelmed, avoiding the conversation completely, or jumping into feeling directly responsible for other people's emotions.
• 0:34
  SPEAKER_00: So, from a trauma-informed perspective, I think the first step is to recognise that your response makes sense.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to judge yourself or find some boundaries difficult.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_00: We also need to remember that people communicate differently.
• 0:48
  SPEAKER_00: There isn't one correct way to set a boundary.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_00: You might prefer to say it face to face or write a message.
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: You might need some reassurance, or you might also need to take some time to process before responding.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: All are okay.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: It's just a matter of communication.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: A boundary isn't about controlling another person, it's about communicating what you need and what will you do to look after yourself.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: So that might sound something like, I value our friendship, but I'm not comfortable with the way conversations sometimes have become quite critical.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: If that happens, I'm going to have to step away from the conversation and come back to it when I feel ready.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Noticing that that you're not attacking the other person, you're describing the behaviour, explaining your boundary, and communicating what you will do next.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: You can also keep it really simple.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not able to talk about this right now, or I need some space, I'll get back to you on this when I'm ready.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to over-explain.
• 1:45
  SPEAKER_00: And this is something I think is crucially important.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: You don't need someone's permission to have a boundary.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: A difficult friend might respond with anger, guilt, defensiveness, or they might tell you that you're being unreasonable.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: Their reaction doesn't automatically mean your boundary is wrong.
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: You can acknowledge their feelings and they can have opinions about it, they can have very strong opinions about it, but it doesn't mean by default that you have to back down on something that you need to care for yourself.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: You can acknowledge those feelings without taking responsibility for them.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: Say, for example, you might say, I understand that you're still upset, but my boundary stands.
• 2:25
  SPEAKER_00: If the conversation becomes too overwhelming, you can pause it.
• 2:29
  SPEAKER_00: I'm going to end this conversation right now.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: We can talk about it another time if we're both able to do that respectfully.
• 2:37
  SPEAKER_00: Setting boundaries can feel uncomfortable at first, particularly if you're used to keeping the peace, people pleasing, masking or putting other people's needs before your own.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: So be compassionate with yourself.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: You don't have to become someone who instantly has perfect boundaries, and to be fair, what even does a perfect boundary look like?
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: They ebb and flow.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Just start small, notice what feels uncomfortable, notice what you need, give yourself time to process and choose a form of communication that works for you and is sustainable.
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because healthy friendships should have room for differences, boundaries, repair, and respect.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: And perhaps the most important thing to remember is this setting a boundary isn't being unkind.
• 3:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's giving the other person information about how you need to be treated in order to feel safe and respected in a relationship.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: You are allowed to take up space.