Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / #101 Coping With Corona (Featuring Renee Jain)

Transcript

#101 Coping With Corona (Featuring Renee Jain) · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:03
Speaker 1: It's the Happy Families podcast with doctor Justin Coulson. The
0:07
Speaker 1: podcast for the time called parent Who Just Wants Answers. Now, Well,
0:12
Speaker 1: things are changing, and they're changing fast. We are slowly
0:15
Speaker 1: beginning to adapt to this new reality. And it's been
0:18
Speaker 1: fascinating on my Facebook page looking at the extraordinary ways
0:21
Speaker 1: that people are finding connection and building well being in
0:27
Speaker 1: their own families. To help with that, over the next
0:30
Speaker 1: little while, I'm going to be having some conversations with
0:32
Speaker 1: people that I looked up to, people who I think
0:34
Speaker 1: have got a lot to offer in helping families to
0:37
Speaker 1: be stronger and happier. And this first conversation that I'm
0:40
Speaker 1: sharing on the podcast, well, it's a touch longer than normal,
0:42
Speaker 1: goes for around about twenty five minutes or so. But
0:45
Speaker 1: I had a conversation with Reenie Jane. Reenie has a
0:48
Speaker 1: master's in applied positive psychology and she runs gozen dot com.
0:53
Speaker 1: Reenie is masterful in her mindfulness and the way that
0:57
Speaker 1: she helps people to manage and anxiety and stay calm
1:01
Speaker 1: when things are a little crazy. Now, this conversation was
1:04
Speaker 1: supposed to be an interview where she interviewed me and
1:07
Speaker 1: I interviewed her in the end, it turned out just
1:10
Speaker 1: being a bit of a conversation with all kinds of
1:12
Speaker 1: things going on, including her children diving in and participating
1:16
Speaker 1: in the conversation in ways that we weren't anticipating. So
1:20
Speaker 1: I started off by asking Renie what she was doing.
1:22
Speaker 1: It goes in right now to help families and people
1:25
Speaker 1: who are coming to terms with the near reality.
1:28
Speaker 2: So we're doing a few things. So the first thing
1:30
Speaker 2: that we're doing is we have quickly figured out how
1:34
Speaker 2: to create remote learning. You know, because our programs are
1:37
Speaker 2: essentially used in schools and they're used at home with parents.
1:40
Speaker 2: But if the school is closed and they have to
1:42
Speaker 2: do distance learning or they have to do remote learning,
1:45
Speaker 2: they need a way for students to be able to
1:47
Speaker 2: log in in an asynchronous way, so you know, if
1:50
Speaker 2: they're not doing live instruction, they need the student at
1:54
Speaker 2: home to be able to log into goes In. So
1:55
Speaker 2: we had to basically make a lot of ships very
1:58
Speaker 2: quickly in the way that our software work to allow
2:01
Speaker 2: for that. We're also just that I I'm sorry here,
2:08
Speaker 2: we have that totally. There's nowhere I can go. So, yes,
2:14
Speaker 2: this is life right now. It's okay. Yeah, we're still
2:17
Speaker 2: doing fine, so your question was about Gozen. Yeah. The
2:19
Speaker 2: other thing we're doing is trying to produce just as
2:22
Speaker 2: many pieces of information and resources as we can to
2:25
Speaker 2: reach as many people as we can. So, for example,
2:28
Speaker 2: there are a lot of people who are in a
2:30
Speaker 2: position of homeschooling at this point, right because the schools
2:33
Speaker 2: have technically closed their physical locations, but they haven't closed
2:36
Speaker 2: for you know, they're still saying, Okay, here's your school work.
2:39
Speaker 2: You know, now you have to do it. And as
2:41
Speaker 2: an example, I have a six and a seven year
2:43
Speaker 2: old here, and I know, for you guys that don't know, justin,
2:46
Speaker 2: doctor Colson has six kids, right, So he has he has,
2:49
Speaker 2: he has three times more than I have my brood
2:52
Speaker 2: at home. But I am still every single day sitting
2:54
Speaker 2: with them because they can't self pace, right. So we're
2:57
Speaker 2: putting out resources about how to deal with the situation
3:00
Speaker 2: where you're homeschooling, you're also working, you're also trying to
3:05
Speaker 2: hold together the weight of the world of what's going on,
3:08
Speaker 2: and so yeah, it's a lot. We're trying to do
3:11
Speaker 2: the best that we can, and I wake up every
3:13
Speaker 2: day feeling like I'm not doing enough.
3:15
Speaker 1: Frankly, Yeah, yeah, so it goes in dot.
3:18
Speaker 2: Com, gozen dot com.
3:20
Speaker 1: Well the resources there and what.
3:21
Speaker 2: Are you guys doing and happy families. I've been seeing
3:24
Speaker 2: emails coming out of our webinars that you're holding and
3:27
Speaker 2: various online resources.
3:28
Speaker 1: So yeah, yeah, I think there's a couple of things
3:30
Speaker 1: that we've been really focusing on. If I was to
3:32
Speaker 1: summarize it in three words, I'm approaching this and essentially
3:38
Speaker 1: saying I've got an opportunity now to be really generous
3:40
Speaker 1: with you, because you need generosity, especially people who are
3:43
Speaker 1: losing jobs and people who worried about their futures. I've
3:46
Speaker 1: got knowledge that can help. So I'm here to not
3:49
Speaker 1: only be generous, but to really serve the best that
3:51
Speaker 1: I can. And I want to provide calm assurance. We're
3:57
Speaker 1: going to be okay. It's going to be hard, and
4:00
Speaker 1: there's going to be challenges, and this is certainly unprecedented
4:04
Speaker 1: for our generation and maybe even the generation before. This
4:07
Speaker 1: is an extraordinary time, but it's extraordinarily negative and extraordinarily positive.
4:14
Speaker 1: There's so much that is good that can come from this.
4:19
Speaker 1: If we are able to create some psychological distance, if
4:22
Speaker 1: we're able to bring our anxiety down and function rationally
4:27
Speaker 1: and as normally as possible, and if we can look
4:30
Speaker 1: for the opportunities that this presents, the opportunities for our relationships,
4:33
Speaker 1: the opportunities for our well for our work. Even if
4:37
Speaker 1: you're losing a job, you know, this could be a
4:39
Speaker 1: chance to lay under the covers and cry for a
4:42
Speaker 1: little bit, but then get up and enroll in that course,
4:45
Speaker 1: that program that you've always wanted to do, start again,
4:48
Speaker 1: or start that business you've always wanted to start. There's
4:52
Speaker 1: so much good that's going to come from this, and
4:54
Speaker 1: I think we've got the potential to be better after
4:56
Speaker 1: this than before. So theyre m big three things. How
4:59
Speaker 1: can I serve? Can I be generous? And how can
5:01
Speaker 1: I offer reassurance?
5:03
Speaker 2: Yeah, you know one thing that you said that's really
5:05
Speaker 2: struck a chord with me is the psychological distance and
5:08
Speaker 2: how much distance do we need in order to gain
5:11
Speaker 2: perspective and are we able to actually how quickly can
5:15
Speaker 2: we shift into that right from going from feeling these big,
5:18
Speaker 2: huge feelings, especially if we're losing jobs and we're worried
5:21
Speaker 2: about financial security, to having this perspective that this is
5:25
Speaker 2: going to end up being a meaningful experience and possibly
5:28
Speaker 2: even transform our lives in some ways. Do we need
5:31
Speaker 2: to be out of the moment? Can we actually do
5:33
Speaker 2: that in the moment?
5:34
Speaker 1: I would say that it's analogous to when you're in
5:36
Speaker 1: a situation with your children and what you really want
5:39
Speaker 1: to do is blow up, And somehow, in that moment,
5:41
Speaker 1: that high stress moment, instead of yelling and instead of
5:43
Speaker 1: name calling and doing all the other things that you
5:47
Speaker 1: naturally want to do and feel completely justified in doing.
5:50
Speaker 1: There's this incredible capacity that we have as humans to
5:53
Speaker 1: take a deep breath, recalibrate, aligned with our intrinsic principles
5:59
Speaker 1: how we think we should would live, and choose a
6:01
Speaker 1: different response. And the reality is that we're all under
6:04
Speaker 1: threat right now, or at least we're feeling it, most
6:07
Speaker 1: of us. But if we can just step back, and
6:10
Speaker 1: there's a handful of different psychological strategies where we can
6:13
Speaker 1: create this distance. So one of them is what we
6:15
Speaker 1: would call temporal distancing. This is the one that I like.
6:18
Speaker 1: This is the one where you say, well, in three
6:20
Speaker 1: months time, or in three years time, or in three
6:23
Speaker 1: decades time, we're going to look back on this period
6:26
Speaker 1: and we're going to think X, Y or Z, you know,
6:29
Speaker 1: it wasn't really that bad, or we really carried ourselves
6:34
Speaker 1: well through that. We did ourselves proud. We looked after
6:36
Speaker 1: our friends and our family, and our community and our planet.
6:40
Speaker 1: We've got the opportunity to create some temporal distance. We
6:43
Speaker 1: can look at our children and we can say things like, hey,
6:46
Speaker 1: well you could say, you know, in three months time,
6:50
Speaker 1: none of this is going to matter. So you know,
6:52
Speaker 1: we've got these ways that we can step back. I
6:55
Speaker 1: heard a great podcast a little while ago. I don't
6:57
Speaker 1: even remember who or where, but there was a military
7:00
Speaker 1: commander and he was saying that in the heat of battle,
7:02
Speaker 1: the people who are commanding the troops are often encouraged
7:05
Speaker 1: to literally step back a meter or two meters, and
7:08
Speaker 1: as they do that, they're I'm loving watching the kids
7:12
Speaker 1: interrupt you.
7:13
Speaker 3: You thing, my love, This is this is doctor Coolson
7:19
Speaker 3: and and we're talking doctor.
7:22
Speaker 2: Yeah, he's a dentist. Actually it's going to completely just kidding.
7:27
Speaker 3: Can you go ask daddy, my love? He said, nothing,
7:30
Speaker 3: We're going to be eating dinner in a little bit.
7:32
Speaker 2: Okay, Okay, I'm going to talk about it with you
7:37
Speaker 2: after I'm done. Okay, my love, Thank you, baby, brilliant.
7:41
Speaker 2: They make them that cute, so you know, yeah, toss
7:43
Speaker 2: them out.
7:44
Speaker 1: Yeah, you gotta hug them before they go down.
7:46
Speaker 4: You just just just give you a little squeeze before
7:48
Speaker 4: they go So I kind of what I was saying,
7:52
Speaker 4: Remember what I was saying.
7:52
Speaker 1: But essentially, as we that's what keeps happening.
7:55
Speaker 2: By the way, I'm like, oh, what was I doing?
7:57
Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, the military commander, if we can step back
8:00
Speaker 1: in the thick of a battle, we actually we broaden
8:03
Speaker 1: our perspective. We can see things stepping back a meter
8:06
Speaker 1: or ten meters sorry in American language, three feet or
8:10
Speaker 1: thirty feet. If we if we can move back, we
8:15
Speaker 1: see things from a completely different perspective, and that helps
8:17
Speaker 1: us to make more rational, more effective decisions in the
8:24
Speaker 1: heat of all of the challenges that we're facing here.
8:28
Speaker 1: I think the most important thing that we do is
8:29
Speaker 1: we literally, if not literally metaphorically, take a step back
8:34
Speaker 1: and see things through new eyes. How would our great
8:37
Speaker 1: grandparents be looking at us right now as we're complaining
8:39
Speaker 1: about the fact that we're being asked to stay home
8:41
Speaker 1: and watch Netflix, compared to the reality that they had
8:45
Speaker 1: to go off to war and literally put their lives
8:47
Speaker 1: on the line. How much worse could it be. Imagine
8:51
Speaker 1: if we're in a war right now. I can't comprehend
8:55
Speaker 1: how extraordinarily exquisitely painful an actual war would be compared
9:02
Speaker 1: to what we're dealing with now. I know people are
9:03
Speaker 1: using a wartime analogy or metaphor at the moment for this,
9:08
Speaker 1: but the reality is, for most of us, we're not
9:10
Speaker 1: strapping guns to our backs and running to the front
9:12
Speaker 1: line and you know, dodging bullets. Imagine if somebody somehow
9:18
Speaker 1: infiltrated our water system and all of a sudden the
9:20
Speaker 1: entire planet couldn't get access to clean water. Like this
9:26
Speaker 1: is a I'm not trying to minimize the significance of
9:29
Speaker 1: what we're facing, because it's significant. It's enormous, And yet
9:33
Speaker 1: in perspective as we as we do these comparisons, it's like, well,
9:37
Speaker 1: you know what, we actually probably can get through this,
9:39
Speaker 1: if we're just a bit sensible, we can probably even
9:42
Speaker 1: put a positive frame around this. We can find some gratitude,
9:44
Speaker 1: we can find some hope. And that's kind of the
9:47
Speaker 1: thing the message that I think we really want to promote,
9:49
Speaker 1: so that people can feel that calm assurance and no,
9:52
Speaker 1: it's going.
9:52
Speaker 2: To be okay. I think there is definitely an ebb
9:55
Speaker 2: and flow where people have perspective and they feel like, Okay,
9:58
Speaker 2: it could be worse. Right, There are a lot of
10:00
Speaker 2: things that could be worse. There have been a lot
10:02
Speaker 2: of things in the world that have been worse. I
10:05
Speaker 2: think where the worry starts to spiral out of control
10:09
Speaker 2: where they were, we start to think into the future
10:11
Speaker 2: and we get stuck there is we don't know how
10:14
Speaker 2: long this is going to last? Is it going to
10:16
Speaker 2: be indefinite? You know? Am I going to be able
10:18
Speaker 2: to survive like this in whatever way that, whatever that
10:22
Speaker 2: means for a family like this for an indefinite amount
10:26
Speaker 2: of time? And I feel like I have heard from
10:28
Speaker 2: a lot of people that that is a particular struggle,
10:31
Speaker 2: and I wonder if there's any solace, advice, guidance you
10:36
Speaker 2: can give those people.
10:37
Speaker 1: What have you been saying. I've got a couple of ideas,
10:39
Speaker 1: but I'd love to know what you've been saying. When
10:41
Speaker 1: people say that to you.
10:42
Speaker 2: Yeah, I say, you know what. I think that we
10:45
Speaker 2: have this beautiful ability to simulate the future, and that
10:49
Speaker 2: I know that a lot of people who teach mindfulness
10:53
Speaker 2: will say, listen, you have to come into the now.
10:55
Speaker 2: We have to stay in the now. Is this happening
10:57
Speaker 2: in the now? And if it's not, then bring your
11:00
Speaker 2: self back into the now. And I think there's value
11:02
Speaker 2: in that for me. I think there is also value
11:05
Speaker 2: in this ability to be perspective, to think about the future,
11:08
Speaker 2: to think about different timelines. I think it's a very
11:11
Speaker 2: unique quality that humans have, and I think it can
11:14
Speaker 2: serve you when you are making contingency plans, when you
11:18
Speaker 2: are doing, okay, well, if this happens, then I will
11:22
Speaker 2: do this right. You make some plans and that gives
11:24
Speaker 2: you assurance. I think where the problem starts is when
11:27
Speaker 2: you can't come from the future back into the present moment,
11:29
Speaker 2: when you are unable to return back and ground yourself
11:33
Speaker 2: and ground your nervous system. And so what I have
11:35
Speaker 2: been saying is is that the place you're in. Are
11:38
Speaker 2: you in the place where you're thinking effectively about the future.
11:41
Speaker 2: You're making some plans about the future, you know, and
11:43
Speaker 2: that's okay, and that's what we do. And actually I
11:45
Speaker 2: think it's a cool human quality. Or are you in
11:48
Speaker 2: the place where you're living there consistently constantly and you
11:52
Speaker 2: are not able to come back into the now, and
11:55
Speaker 2: if you are, then like, let's work on that. That's
11:57
Speaker 2: what I've been saying.
11:59
Speaker 1: Yeah, this something really powerful about acceptance. When we simply
12:02
Speaker 1: accept things as they are, we're actually more likely to
12:04
Speaker 1: sit in and out really well. And I'm thinking about anxiety,
12:07
Speaker 1: and anxiety is essentially an anticipated we become fearful about
12:12
Speaker 1: what's coming. We're anticipating something negative in our future. No
12:15
Speaker 1: matter what situation you're in, I guarantee being anxious about
12:19
Speaker 1: it will make it worse. There's a time and a
12:22
Speaker 1: place for it, and it's a valuable thing to feel.
12:24
Speaker 1: But once it starts to intrude on our thinking in
12:30
Speaker 1: those dysfunctional, negative, unhelpful ways, you just don't make things
12:35
Speaker 1: better by sitting in anxiety. The next four things are
12:39
Speaker 1: things that I've been thinking about quite a lot lately,
12:41
Speaker 1: and I think that they're relevant for all of us,
12:42
Speaker 1: but especially for parents. The first thing is that our
12:45
Speaker 1: children and we, you know, those people that you've been
12:48
Speaker 1: listening to, what they actually need More than psychological strategies
12:52
Speaker 1: and techniques. I think they just need to be heard.
12:55
Speaker 1: We need to say, yeah, this is a real big
12:57
Speaker 1: struggle right now, isn't it it's really challenging. This must
13:03
Speaker 1: be so overwhelming for you, especially now that you've just
13:05
Speaker 1: lost your job. You must feel like you just want
13:07
Speaker 1: to lay in bed and pull a dinner over your
13:09
Speaker 1: head and cover yourself with a pillow and not come
13:11
Speaker 1: out for ever. You know, like this is crushing, And
13:16
Speaker 1: I don't think there's anything wrong with that. In fact,
13:18
Speaker 1: I love in the Tom Hanks movie about Fred Rodgers
13:21
Speaker 1: Beautiful in the Neighborhood, he uses this beautiful line. He says,
13:25
Speaker 1: if it's mentionable, it's manageable. And to me, what happens
13:30
Speaker 1: is when somebody comes to us and says, I'm just
13:33
Speaker 1: so angry, I'm so scared about the future, and when
13:35
Speaker 1: is this ever going to end? I think it's entirely
13:38
Speaker 1: appropriate to say, when we look at this open ended
13:41
Speaker 1: lockdown and this new reality, it's just overwhelming, isn't it.
13:47
Speaker 1: And to be able to respond to their fear with
13:49
Speaker 1: an acknowledgment that it is overwhelming without adding to it,
13:53
Speaker 1: it doesn't give them an emotional bump up. It actually
13:56
Speaker 1: helps them to rebalance and recenter themselves. It actually creates
13:59
Speaker 1: some psycho logical distance because they now know that the
14:01
Speaker 1: experience is the emotions they're feeling are normal part of
14:04
Speaker 1: the human experience right now. So to me, that's maybe
14:08
Speaker 1: one of the most important things we can do, and
14:10
Speaker 1: we do it with our children as well. I want
14:11
Speaker 1: to visit Grandma. Oh, wouldn't it be so nice? I
14:14
Speaker 1: wish we could visit Gramdma too, but she lives in
14:16
Speaker 1: another house. Would you like to FaceTime? I want to
14:19
Speaker 1: play with my friends. It's my birthday next week. I
14:21
Speaker 1: want to have a birthday party. Ah, having a birthday
14:25
Speaker 1: party would be so much fun. In fact, I called
14:26
Speaker 1: this giving in fantasy what we can't have in reality,
14:30
Speaker 1: we actually live into it. If we could, who would
14:32
Speaker 1: you invite? How much fun would what games would we play?
14:34
Speaker 1: What cake would we have?
14:36
Speaker 2: Oh?
14:37
Speaker 1: That would be so much fun. Imagine how great they
14:40
Speaker 1: would be. And I know that sounds like we're being nasty,
14:42
Speaker 1: but it's actually letting them know that we understand. And
14:45
Speaker 1: then we say, well, you know that we're in lockdown,
14:47
Speaker 1: so there's only a few of these things that we
14:48
Speaker 1: can do, but let's look at the things that we
14:49
Speaker 1: can do. So I would say, our children need to
14:52
Speaker 1: be heard. I think that they also need humor. There
14:56
Speaker 1: is so much you've seen the creativity on the internet.
15:00
Speaker 1: People are being so funny about.
15:02
Speaker 2: I know, yeah, the funny bone is activated. I love it.
15:06
Speaker 2: I love it. I love to laugh. I love to
15:08
Speaker 2: make others laugh. I think that we under use humors,
15:11
Speaker 2: especially with our kids.
15:13
Speaker 1: Laughter is the best medicine, right, And we can joke
15:16
Speaker 1: about self isolation. We can joke about homeschooling. I saw
15:19
Speaker 1: one person say I think mine might be the first
15:23
Speaker 1: home school where the teacher was fired for being drunken.
15:25
Speaker 1: Three kids got expelled on the same day. It's really
15:30
Speaker 1: really tricky.
15:31
Speaker 2: I wrote that.
15:32
Speaker 5: Yeah, but if we could just laugh, or we could
15:35
Speaker 5: just laugh about other stuff, you know, let's tickle and
15:37
Speaker 5: roll around on the floor and wrestle and pretend that
15:39
Speaker 5: the rest of the world actually isn't going through this
15:41
Speaker 5: just now, even if it's for a few minutes.
15:43
Speaker 1: It's okay to do that. People who work on the
15:45
Speaker 1: front line, they have what we call gallows humor, and
15:48
Speaker 1: that's what helps them to become unified. And it also
15:51
Speaker 1: helps them through those stressful times, because if you don't laugh,
15:54
Speaker 1: you probably will cry. Y, Yes, I reckon. The third
15:58
Speaker 1: thing that our children need is they need an opportunity
16:01
Speaker 1: to help, and even as adults, there's things that we
16:04
Speaker 1: can do to be helpful. I'm again amazed at the
16:07
Speaker 1: creativity of helpfulness. There's a Facebook page called the Kindness Pandemic,
16:13
Speaker 1: and there's all of these people sharing the kindnesses that
16:15
Speaker 1: they're seeing in Italy and in France and in Spain
16:19
Speaker 1: and in the United States. People like John Legend getting
16:22
Speaker 1: onto Instagram and doing impromptu concerts. People are doing concerts
16:26
Speaker 1: off their balconies, you know, instead of performing in front
16:29
Speaker 1: of their packed art houses or concert halls. People are
16:33
Speaker 1: finding ways to help and inspire and lift and it's
16:36
Speaker 1: just beautiful. And our children can do that. And what
16:39
Speaker 1: happens when we find ways for our children to help
16:42
Speaker 1: and make a difference is we give them the fourth
16:45
Speaker 1: thing that I think they need right now, and that's hope.
16:48
Speaker 1: We give them hope, we make them believe that, well,
16:50
Speaker 1: hang on, if I'm not a victim here, I can
16:53
Speaker 1: be an agent of change and I can make a
16:54
Speaker 1: difference in my own life and in the lives of others.
16:57
Speaker 1: So to me, they're the big five things that that
17:00
Speaker 1: are really going to move the needle.
17:02
Speaker 2: Yeah, I love that. I love that, and it's amazing
17:07
Speaker 2: to me that if you're feeling as a parent that
17:09
Speaker 2: you don't have hope, you literally actually just have to
17:12
Speaker 2: hang around with some kids, especially so again, my kids
17:16
Speaker 2: are six and seven. I mean, they wake up daily
17:19
Speaker 2: with hope, and every moment of everything they do there
17:22
Speaker 2: is hope. And of course, you know, they cannot understand
17:25
Speaker 2: the gravity of the situation and what's going on in
17:27
Speaker 2: the world, and so they're feeling it in a different way.
17:30
Speaker 2: But they rejuvenate right every single day when I if
17:34
Speaker 2: I get to a point where I'm feeling a little
17:36
Speaker 2: down or I'm feeling, oh my goodness, I just have
17:39
Speaker 2: to hang out with them for a moment because they
17:40
Speaker 2: are so in the now, they are so in their flow,
17:44
Speaker 2: they are so hopeful right about their next little thing
17:48
Speaker 2: that they're going to do or tomorrow, that it's infectious,
17:52
Speaker 2: you know, as infectious as I would say any kind
17:55
Speaker 2: of viruses. Yeah, their hope, their laughter, their joy is infectious.
18:00
Speaker 1: I love that. I love that, just like just like
18:02
Speaker 1: coronavirus will get inside and spread, things like kindness and
18:09
Speaker 1: joy and delight do exactly the same thing. And the
18:13
Speaker 1: negative things, you know, things like selfishness, they spread too.
18:16
Speaker 1: Toilet paper wars anyone. So I just yeah, I love
18:19
Speaker 1: what you said there. That's great.
18:21
Speaker 2: Yeah, thank you. So so what do we do? So
18:25
Speaker 2: what do you do? What are things to you? I
18:27
Speaker 2: would love to know because you always have it so together,
18:31
Speaker 2: but I want to know what you struggle with? Can
18:33
Speaker 2: you share something like what is a struggle for you?
18:36
Speaker 2: Or maybe in this situation in particular.
18:39
Speaker 1: I'm really opening myself up here. I normally wouldn't talk
18:42
Speaker 1: like this, but let's see how we go. Anxiety has
18:45
Speaker 1: never been a thing ever for me, but lately increasingly
18:51
Speaker 1: I'm feeling it and it's it's really hard, and I
18:56
Speaker 1: have to keep on practicing all of these strategies and
18:58
Speaker 1: techniques myself to bring myself to the now and to
19:00
Speaker 1: focus on what I can do and do my best
19:02
Speaker 1: to help others.
19:03
Speaker 2: And so what I was asking you is the experiences
19:07
Speaker 2: that you're having, does it change the perspective with which
19:10
Speaker 2: you give guidance to others? Has it made you kind
19:13
Speaker 2: of test your own theories in any way?
19:16
Speaker 1: For sure? I remember having an insight when I was
19:18
Speaker 1: with a friend a little while ago now. We were
19:22
Speaker 1: talking about one of my daughters was complaining I can't
19:24
Speaker 1: walk because my leg's hurt because she had growing pains,
19:27
Speaker 1: and my friend said to me, you don't grow without pain,
19:33
Speaker 1: whether it's physically or psychologically, and emotionally, socially, spiritual, whatever
19:36
Speaker 1: it might be. We have to go through hard things
19:38
Speaker 1: to become better. It's the hard things that make us stronger.
19:43
Speaker 1: The pain leads to growth if we let it, it
19:46
Speaker 1: can be refining and it makes us increasingly resilient. So
19:50
Speaker 1: that's probably the biggest thing that I'm challenged by, but
19:53
Speaker 1: I'm grateful for it. And once again, using all of
19:56
Speaker 1: those psychological distancing strategies, it makes me think, well, you
20:00
Speaker 1: know what would such and such do that takes me
20:01
Speaker 1: out of the situation, or come on, justin, you've got
20:04
Speaker 1: this speaking to myself in the third person. That changes
20:07
Speaker 1: my distance to the situation, and all of a sudden,
20:10
Speaker 1: I'm able to think rationally and say, yeah, I do
20:11
Speaker 1: got this. Or you know, this is what Reeny Jane
20:13
Speaker 1: would do it goes in, or this is what this
20:16
Speaker 1: mentor of mine over here would do, or this is
20:17
Speaker 1: what this great example or thinker would do. All of
20:20
Speaker 1: those things create the psychological distance, which means now I'm
20:24
Speaker 1: coming up with different strategies with which to move forward.
20:28
Speaker 1: So I think that that would probably be it. What
20:30
Speaker 1: about you in the US, Your circumstances are from everything
20:34
Speaker 1: that I'm seeing on Twitter, at least fairly elevated, I
20:38
Speaker 1: guess would be the word that I might use.
20:40
Speaker 2: Yeah, there's a lot of fear. There's a lot of panic.
20:45
Speaker 2: There are a lot of restrictions. So I live in
20:49
Speaker 2: Los Angeles and you guys, and you can hear my
20:51
Speaker 2: kids in the background. You know, we are home all
20:54
Speaker 2: day together, and there are certain times of the day
20:57
Speaker 2: where we are having independent time, which is what we're
20:59
Speaker 2: calling it. So mommy's working and the kids are working
21:03
Speaker 2: on you know, their school stuff, and then we come
21:06
Speaker 2: back together. But there's a lot of bleed over, you know,
21:08
Speaker 2: as there is going to be. So so one of
21:12
Speaker 2: the things that I'm struggling with is creating those boundaries
21:16
Speaker 2: and allowing the boundaries to be fluid. You know. It's
21:19
Speaker 2: like you can create boundaries, but you can draw a
21:21
Speaker 2: line in the sand, but then you need to erase
21:23
Speaker 2: the line and make a different line many many times
21:25
Speaker 2: in a day. And then having compassion towards myself to
21:29
Speaker 2: know that that's okay, you know, that's going to happen.
21:32
Speaker 2: This is part of what is going on right now,
21:35
Speaker 2: and to maintain feeling centered and grounded so that I
21:39
Speaker 2: am able to show up as the parent I want
21:41
Speaker 2: to be. You know, it's a lot to take on
21:44
Speaker 2: the additional role of being the facilitator for homeschooling I am.
21:50
Speaker 2: I think anybody is qualified to do it as a
21:53
Speaker 2: parent if you put effort into it. But it's definitely
21:56
Speaker 2: not something that happens overnight, you know. So the ability
21:59
Speaker 2: to to help my kids peace themselves, to help them
22:03
Speaker 2: get through it, to help them with the change, huge
22:06
Speaker 2: change instead of going into a classroom and it's not interactive,
22:10
Speaker 2: there are videos being sent home. Yeah, so this is
22:13
Speaker 2: a big challenge, but the biggest one really is being
22:15
Speaker 2: able to be fluid with the boundaries that I am
22:18
Speaker 2: creating for my own self care and for the self
22:21
Speaker 2: care as like our family unit essentially.
22:24
Speaker 1: Yeah, really really tough. The thing that I've been saying
22:26
Speaker 1: to parents when they come to me with that is
22:29
Speaker 1: lower expectations. Just drop those expectations right down. And in fact,
22:33
Speaker 1: what I would do is whatever you expect if you
22:35
Speaker 1: divide it by half, and then you divide that by
22:38
Speaker 1: another three.
22:41
Speaker 5: To drop it down below that, and you're probably still
22:43
Speaker 5: a bit too high.
22:46
Speaker 1: The lower expectations are, the more satisfied you'll be. I
22:49
Speaker 1: don't know that there are any easy answers. What I've
22:52
Speaker 1: been advising parents is, instead of having a really strict timetable,
22:56
Speaker 1: just have a commitment to have three or four things
22:59
Speaker 1: happen every day. Work out what those three or four
23:01
Speaker 1: things need to be for your family, because they'll be
23:03
Speaker 1: different in every home, and so long as they happen,
23:08
Speaker 1: that's probably the main thing. And it depends on the
23:11
Speaker 1: age of your kids, and it depends on what sort
23:13
Speaker 1: of support they're getting from the school. But the reality
23:16
Speaker 1: is your children don't need you to be their teacher.
23:18
Speaker 1: They need you to be their parent. Yes, And I
23:21
Speaker 1: think that's what we've also got to hang on to.
23:23
Speaker 1: We need to be connecting. And if we're having fights
23:26
Speaker 1: over school work, we're having fights over screen time, we're
23:28
Speaker 1: having fights over leave your sister alone, we probably need
23:32
Speaker 1: to just pause our own work for five minutes or
23:35
Speaker 1: twenty minutes, go have a wrestle, go read a book,
23:38
Speaker 1: go play a game, and when everyone's calm and sensed again,
23:42
Speaker 1: then go and get back into it. Expectations and boundaries
23:45
Speaker 1: and lots of distractions and physical activity, all that sort
23:49
Speaker 1: of stuff so so important.
23:51
Speaker 2: So important, so important. We just we've been doing daily
23:55
Speaker 2: walks around the neighborhood, which is really interesting. I've lived
23:58
Speaker 2: here for two and a half years. I'm seeing st
24:00
Speaker 2: reads i've never seen before. You know, it's kind of amazing.
24:03
Speaker 2: And so yes, this is the thing that the all
24:06
Speaker 2: four of us do together twice a day, and that
24:10
Speaker 2: has been it's been eye opening. It's like, oh my goodness,
24:12
Speaker 2: the four of us haven't taken a walk in this
24:14
Speaker 2: neighborhood since we moved here. It's unbelievable. I have a
24:19
Speaker 2: little a little rascal I think behind me, walking behind me.
24:23
Speaker 2: But yeah, it's amazing. You do have to lower expectations,
24:26
Speaker 2: lower boundaries. And I love how you said cut it
24:28
Speaker 2: in half and then cut it again by a third
24:30
Speaker 2: and then basically subtracted by a thousand.
24:33
Speaker 1: Yeah, and get yeah, yeah, I just saw your kids
24:37
Speaker 1: wrestling in the background.
24:38
Speaker 4: Right as you were saying that. I was like, yeah,
24:40
Speaker 4: that's about how it is. Yes, this is real life.
24:42
Speaker 1: Yes, well we probably should wrap this up. Hopefully it's
24:45
Speaker 1: been helpful, rainy, if helpful, if people want to know
24:48
Speaker 1: more about what you offer through goes in, what would
24:52
Speaker 1: you would you want me to send them?
24:54
Speaker 2: I would want you to send them to go zen
24:56
Speaker 2: dot com. And we're also running a free Facebook group
25:00
Speaker 2: which if you come to go zan dot com you'll
25:02
Speaker 2: find the Facebook group and it's on Facebook and it's
25:04
Speaker 2: called get Superpowered and basically delivering resilient Skills and you know,
25:09
Speaker 2: having conversations like this every day. The easiest thing is
25:13
Speaker 2: gozan dot com. Fantastic And what about you, doctor Coolson,
25:17
Speaker 2: thanks for asking.
25:18
Speaker 1: Yeah, Happy Families dot com dot au. Although there's nothing
25:21
Speaker 1: much happening on my website, it's all happening on my
25:22
Speaker 1: Facebook page at the moment, so doctor Justin Colson's Happy Families.
25:26
Speaker 1: In fact, we've just done something really fun because we're
25:30
Speaker 1: living the dream like you are, with the kids at
25:32
Speaker 1: home and all that kind of thing. Kylie and I
25:35
Speaker 1: have created a group just off our Facebook page. It's
25:37
Speaker 1: called bunker Down with Justin and Kylie. We thought Lockdown
25:41
Speaker 1: sounded a bit too harsh, so we've got bunker Down
25:43
Speaker 1: with Justin and Kylie. And Kylie, who's usually very very private,
25:46
Speaker 1: I've convinced her she's got early childhood qualifications, and so
25:50
Speaker 1: I've convinced her to become a little bit more active
25:53
Speaker 1: on that page. And this little bunker Down with Justin
25:56
Speaker 1: and Kylie facebook page has got several thousand people in
25:59
Speaker 1: there who are now just sharing all of the good
26:02
Speaker 1: news stories that are coming from their families. The way
26:04
Speaker 1: they're interacting with their children. The reality is that they
26:07
Speaker 1: probably take the photo and say, look at the awesome
26:09
Speaker 1: stuff we're doing, and then three minutes later the kids
26:11
Speaker 1: are at each other and it's gone downhill. But the
26:14
Speaker 1: photos are coming out nice and the stories are beautiful,
26:17
Speaker 1: and Kylie is doing story time for the kids. She's
26:20
Speaker 1: reading stories over the internet to kids and just little
26:23
Speaker 1: things like that. So I think that that's probably the
26:25
Speaker 1: best best spot. And again, same as you, really coming
26:28
Speaker 1: at it from a sense of let's just be generous,
26:30
Speaker 1: let's serve at the moment, people have got enough on
26:33
Speaker 1: their plates. We don't need to be flogging stuff at people,
26:36
Speaker 1: and so we're really just trying to help. So if
26:38
Speaker 1: anyone else wants to join in, we'd love for you
26:40
Speaker 1: to join Bunker Down with Justin and Kylie. Well, I
26:42
Speaker 1: hope you enjoyed the podcast more like that soon to come.
26:45
Speaker 1: If you do enjoy the Happy Families podcast, please leave
26:49
Speaker 1: us a review, just like hashtag Queen underscore me hashtag
26:54
Speaker 1: who said I loved the four h's. My kids and
26:56
Speaker 1: I had a really tough year last year and we
26:59
Speaker 1: were looking forward to moving on this year, but now
27:02
Speaker 1: we feel so stuck. I'm going to use the h
27:05
Speaker 1: to get us laughing every day. Thanks for the reminder.
27:08
Speaker 1: If you enjoy the podcast and can leave a review
27:11
Speaker 1: or a rating, that helps other people to discover the
27:13
Speaker 1: podcast and make their families happy as well, so please
27:15
Speaker 1: do that. In the meantime, check out Dr Justin Colson's
27:18
Speaker 1: Happy Families Facebook page for more ideas about how you
27:21
Speaker 1: can make your family happier, and I'll see you or
27:25
Speaker 1: speak to you on the next podcast.