Latest / The Treehouse Show Podcast / YouTube Ep 19 | Dear Treehouse | AITH For Wanting My Mom To Die?

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YouTube Ep 19 | Dear Treehouse | AITH For Wanting My Mom To Die? · The Treehouse Show Podcast

• 0:01
  Speaker 1: It is time to leave your worries outside and laugh
• 0:04
  Speaker 1: with us inside the Treehouse. I'm Daniel Malley, along with
• 0:08
  Speaker 1: Trey Trenholm and comedian Raj Sharma. Without further ado, I
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: hand things over to you, Trey. Everything that happens from
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: this point forward is your fault.
• 0:19
  Speaker 2: Okay, I'm good with that. So welcome to Dear Treehouse,
• 0:24
  Speaker 2: episode nineteen and today is Although I am sure we
• 0:28
  Speaker 2: will find a punchline, gonna throw out a more serious topic.
• 0:35
  Speaker 2: Oh am, I the asshole. Yes for wanting my mother
• 0:43
  Speaker 2: to die.
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: I want to stay with my original answer, but knowing
• 0:53
  Speaker 1: you and the relationship you've had with your mother over
• 0:55
  Speaker 1: the years, feel like I should change it.
• 0:58
  Speaker 2: Well, all right, to let every everyone in on the
• 1:00
  Speaker 2: backstory at this Yeah, So.
• 1:04
  Speaker 1: For the uh oh, I think it's so much better
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: without any context whatsoever.
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: For the last ten days, my mother has been ill
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: and and on Sunday we put her in hospice. At
• 1:20
  Speaker 2: that point, she had not eaten, she had not refused
• 1:24
  Speaker 2: any treatment, everything, and it seemed like her death was imminent.
• 1:28
  Speaker 2: And at this point in her life, she's eighty years
• 1:31
  Speaker 2: old on set dementia, has been in a wheelchair for
• 1:34
  Speaker 2: nine years, has very little quality of life. And so
• 1:41
  Speaker 2: I made the choice of with the doctor, consulting with
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: the doctors, of all right, let's just let her go peacefully,
• 1:48
  Speaker 2: keep her comfortable. Minute we get her in hospice, she
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: like pops up like a just I don't know, like
• 1:59
  Speaker 2: some cartoonish thing. And then you know, she's eating breakfast
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: and talking and it's like she had done none of
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: those things. Yeah, exactly, Hello, fine, just kidding. And uh,
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: you know it's I think I may have said this
• 2:13
  Speaker 2: to raje I. You know, it's this it's very weird
• 2:15
  Speaker 2: thing where she's too weak to live, too strong to die.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: And but now it faced with the knowledge that this
• 2:28
  Speaker 2: could go on for who knows how long, and it's exhausting,
• 2:34
  Speaker 2: it's draining. And again she her life is now and
• 2:38
  Speaker 2: will be for this point forward, confined to a bed.
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 2:45
  Speaker 2: And but yet it is a very very interesting position
• 2:53
  Speaker 2: you you put yourself in, and and and it stirs
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: up a lot of you know, thought of And now
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: I'll say this, I have not made any decisions for
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: my mom that I would not make for myself.
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: Got it, Yeah, I mean, it's not like you're hovering
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: over her deathbed and just waiting for the medical staff
• 3:14
  Speaker 1: to leave the room, and ah, do it yourself.
• 3:18
  Speaker 2: And I think what makes it, what makes it more
• 3:22
  Speaker 2: conflicting is and I don't know. I'm not the only person.
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: I just don't like my mother that much.
• 3:29
  Speaker 1: I would like to point out that that's okay. I
• 3:33
  Speaker 1: have long been a believer that it's it. Just because
• 3:38
  Speaker 1: their family doesn't mean you are required to love them
• 3:44
  Speaker 1: or care for them or take care of them. There
• 3:48
  Speaker 1: is just because your family. I don't understand that level
• 3:55
  Speaker 1: of entitlement. It's like, well, we're family, you have to
• 3:58
  Speaker 1: do this. If I don't have to do a guy thing.
• 4:02
  Speaker 1: I am a person who makes my own choices, my
• 4:05
  Speaker 1: own decisions, and I don't have to subscribe to other
• 4:10
  Speaker 1: people's belief system. And that to me is blanket in
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: just about every situation possible, whether it's religion, politics, sex, taxes, whatever.
• 4:24
  Speaker 1: Just because you believe something doesn't mean I have to.
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: And just because we share the same last name or
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: come from the same gene pool, that doesn't mean you
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: owe me anything, and that doesn't mean I owe you anything.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: I am a meritocracy. If you want my love and respect,
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: you're going to have to do something to get it.
• 4:48
  Speaker 1: And I'm not saying that it's a you know, impress
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: me or make me feel loved and then I'll love you.
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: It's just a I'm not just giving it out like
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: there has to be a two way street kind of
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: a thing. And that's my approach to it. And I
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: know that most people don't feel that way because everyone
• 5:06
  Speaker 1: loved to tattoo themselves with bloodsticker than water, and families
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: the most important thing, and blah blah blah blah.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: Well, Dan, that's also your programming. You know, your benevolent creators,
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: we know program view with this ability to turn off
• 5:20
  Speaker 2: your emotions. For the rest of us, we do feel
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: some kind of societal norm that we're supposed to take
• 5:26
  Speaker 2: care of our parents. I don't like the I you know,
• 5:30
  Speaker 2: if I could go back and of the myriad of
• 5:33
  Speaker 2: things I would do over again in my life, number
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: one would be not drink. Number two would be I
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  Speaker 2: would just have eighty six my mother out of my
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: life in my early twenties. But I didn't, And now
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  Speaker 2: I find myself in this deal. And I'm an only child.
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  Speaker 2: She's an only child, and I I guess one of
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: the other profound things is I've and it more really
• 5:55
  Speaker 2: comes from animals. I hate the thought of people or
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: anything dying alone.
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: Mm hmm. And that says a lot about you as
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: as a person. I'm not saying, by the way, that
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  Speaker 1: you shouldn't do that. I think it's a very bold
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  Speaker 1: and it's very big of you to care for her
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: in such a way that she never really cared for you.
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: It shows how good of a human you are. And ironically,
• 6:24
  Speaker 1: she did at least a little something right. She may
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: not have done all of it because a lot of
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: it's you, but there's a little bit of her in
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: there somewhere, so at the end, you know you're making
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: it as good as humanly possible without whacking her on
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  Speaker 1: the head.
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: And the little bit of her is the part of
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  Speaker 2: me that's going on. All right, let's get the kitten.
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: You're not doing anything here, Time to move on.
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  Speaker 1: I was going to assume that the little part of
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: her that's in you is the part that's not whacking
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  Speaker 1: her over the head.
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: No, uhuh if I here's the one thing I will
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: tell you about. And I've also I have been basically
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: financially supporting my mother since a cup for a couple
• 7:02
  Speaker 2: of months she ended up losing all her money. And uh,
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: but especially when you factor when you factor that into it,
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  Speaker 2: and my mother, who's almighty God about any in all things,
• 7:15
  Speaker 2: was the dollar if you put a financial a number
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  Speaker 2: on it, she would whack me over the head. If
• 7:24
  Speaker 2: things where, you know, if our positions were switched, she's like,
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: you know what, or.
• 7:30
  Speaker 3: Just walking or you can just walk into a room
• 7:32
  Speaker 3: and be like, I'll give you a hundred dollars to
• 7:34
  Speaker 3: go now.
• 7:36
  Speaker 1: Ooh, that's a good idea.
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: If I still thought she understood what one hundred dollars was,
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: maybe some days she might. You know, she's been talking
• 7:49
  Speaker 2: to me about you know, did I did I talk
• 7:53
  Speaker 2: to her mother? Her mother's been dead for twenty nine years.
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
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  Speaker 3: So on the medical side of it, there is so
• 8:02
  Speaker 3: my ex girlfriend we lost her mom to dementia as well,
• 8:06
  Speaker 3: and there is a thing where she had stopped eating.
• 8:09
  Speaker 3: We got her into the nursing home, and they pop
• 8:12
  Speaker 3: up for just a bit because it's a fear of
• 8:16
  Speaker 3: even though they're not in the right state of mind,
• 8:19
  Speaker 3: it is still they're aware of kind of what's going
• 8:22
  Speaker 3: on because they see people they know they're not in
• 8:24
  Speaker 3: their home. They know they're not you know, they can
• 8:26
  Speaker 3: see doctors come in and talk to them, so they
• 8:29
  Speaker 3: do pop up for a bit. But then the food
• 8:31
  Speaker 3: will like she liked coffee and cookies, and she liked
• 8:35
  Speaker 3: to eat, and then it just turned from eating dinner
• 8:38
  Speaker 3: to coffee and cookies, and then it just went to coffee,
• 8:41
  Speaker 3: and then it went to nothing. And then it was
• 8:44
  Speaker 3: about three to four days after the nothing that she
• 8:47
  Speaker 3: was gone.
• 8:49
  Speaker 2: And so then that's interesting. And you say that because
• 8:53
  Speaker 2: her deal has been Coca Cola, Like, okay, she ate
• 8:59
  Speaker 2: some breakfast. You I mean, she's been sucking down at
• 9:03
  Speaker 2: least she was about three or four colks a day.
• 9:05
  Speaker 2: Now it's carton Wayne down. And like I said, she's
• 9:09
  Speaker 2: not long for this world. But it does I have.
• 9:15
  Speaker 2: I have very much wrangled with am I being you know,
• 9:20
  Speaker 2: am I a horrible person? Because at a certain point,
• 9:23
  Speaker 2: and it's a whipping I go to the hospital twice
• 9:25
  Speaker 2: a day, I you know, spend time with her now
• 9:29
  Speaker 2: and this is a very nice hospital facility and that
• 9:31
  Speaker 2: they the people there, God bless hospice people. They just
• 9:34
  Speaker 2: they are angels for what they do. But you know,
• 9:41
  Speaker 2: it's you're at a certain point and there's time, just like,
• 9:45
  Speaker 2: come on, lady, so't she curious what's out there?
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: Let's take a let's take a let's take a page
• 9:54
  Speaker 1: out of Raj's book here, So grab you one hundred
• 9:57
  Speaker 1: dollars bill, and then what I want you to do
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: is to hold it up over her and then turn
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: off all the lights in the room. Hold that hundred
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  Speaker 1: dollar bill over her face, and get a flashlight and
• 10:09
  Speaker 1: shine it behind the dollar bill, and then just see
• 10:12
  Speaker 1: if she takes the hint to go towards the light.
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  Speaker 1: Slash one hundred dollar bill. Everybody wins. She thinks she's
• 10:19
  Speaker 1: getting one hundred dollars, and then you get to move
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  Speaker 1: on with your life after she is.
• 10:27
  Speaker 3: Passed, or she stays alive and gets one hundred dollars
• 10:30
  Speaker 3: in a mag light.
• 10:32
  Speaker 1: You know what it's I think it might be worth
• 10:36
  Speaker 1: the risk for Trey.
• 10:39
  Speaker 2: I mean, at this point, she might realize it's one
• 10:43
  Speaker 2: hundred dollars. She might think it's a buick. I don't know.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: Well, if she takes it and then you come back
• 10:52
  Speaker 1: to the hospital later in the day for your second
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: visit and she's driving it around the room, it just
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  Speaker 1: is what it is.
• 11:01
  Speaker 3: I wouldn't come back if she's driving it around the room,
• 11:04
  Speaker 3: if she's.
• 11:04
  Speaker 1: Out of bed.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: Yeah. At that point, I'm like, all right, you know
• 11:09
  Speaker 2: what state of Texas?
• 11:12
  Speaker 1: Here you go, Come in, Drey, I'm driving this money
• 11:19
  Speaker 1: beat beep. You need to ride to school.
• 11:28
  Speaker 3: R Kelly's remix to Ignition is playing as.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: This is. And this is a horrible thing that happens
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: with people in our demographic, you know, with gen X.
• 11:44
  Speaker 1: You know it's late millennial or I guess early millennials,
• 11:47
  Speaker 1: whatever it is. And some have had to encounter this
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: before others for various reasons. But that is the passing
• 11:53
  Speaker 1: of a parent, especially if it's a situation where you're
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: all they've got, which is the situation you're in, Trey.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: I mean, your dad passed away years ago, Raj. Both
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: of your parents are gone. My dad passed away a
• 12:10
  Speaker 1: few years ago. And in those situations, they had people
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: caring for them, right, my dad did, Raj. I think
• 12:19
  Speaker 1: both your parents had people caring for them. It didn't
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: all fall on you, and Trey, I don't think everything
• 12:26
  Speaker 1: with your dad's illness fell on you, because he also
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: had his wife, your stepmom, Jackie. Not to say you
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: weren't involved or anything, but it just wasn't all on you.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: Does that make sense? This situation is different because it
• 12:38
  Speaker 1: absolutely is all on you. She's the type of woman
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: well ends up absolutely alone and you're all she's got.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: It's a testament to who my mother has been and
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: how she lived her life that I am the only
• 12:54
  Speaker 2: person around. She has run off every friend, every acquaintance.
• 13:00
  Speaker 2: She's toxic and people get tired of dealing with her shit.
• 13:07
  Speaker 2: And so, yeah, that is And there are times that
• 13:11
  Speaker 2: a part of me are like, you know what, that
• 13:13
  Speaker 2: bitch deserves to die alone. But then I feel this
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: guilt of and whether it's a societal norm or whatever
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: that you know, or just the fact and this if
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: you want to talk about really questioning who you are
• 13:33
  Speaker 2: as a person. And ever since I got sober, I
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: try very hard to be a better person. But the
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: fact of the matter is, Daisy, it was fifteen and
• 13:47
  Speaker 2: a half years old. If I had to choose of
• 13:52
  Speaker 2: who's my time and attention going to be to keep
• 13:54
  Speaker 2: them alive, it goes with Daisy every day of the
• 13:57
  Speaker 2: week and twice on Sunday.
• 13:59
  Speaker 3: Yeah, and.
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: I am sure that somewhere that that's means my priorities
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: are are all fucked up, but it just is what
• 14:12
  Speaker 2: it is now.
• 14:14
  Speaker 1: Yet you know why I say no, not because I
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: agree with you, although I do. It's because they are
• 14:20
  Speaker 1: your priorities. Someone else can take their standards, their expectations,
• 14:25
  Speaker 1: their priorities and apply them to you all they want,
• 14:29
  Speaker 1: but that doesn't fucking matter. All that matters is what
• 14:33
  Speaker 1: you do, what you want to do, what you hold important,
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: and you need. Any opinion from anybody else just doesn't
• 14:41
  Speaker 1: matter because they're not the ones in this situation you are.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: It's very, very simple for someone on the outside to say, Trey,
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: you should be doing this. Well, listen here, stranger, you
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: have not lived in this situation the way Trey has
• 14:57
  Speaker 1: for fifty one years. You go go through fifty one years,
• 15:01
  Speaker 1: the ship Tray's gone through, and at this moment right now,
• 15:06
  Speaker 1: you truly feel that it should go a different direction. Fine,
• 15:15
  Speaker 1: but that's not what Trey's gonna do. Trey has earned it.
• 15:23
  Speaker 1: These are your priorities. It's your business. And really the
• 15:27
  Speaker 1: only business that it really matters is is you. What
• 15:30
  Speaker 1: little flickering there is left inside your mom and medical personnel,
• 15:34
  Speaker 1: that's it, and Daisy, Daisy. The choua was over there
• 15:39
  Speaker 1: going you'd got damn right, you choose me?
• 15:43
  Speaker 3: Yeah?
• 15:43
  Speaker 2: Well, and you know, and it's sad, and but I
• 15:49
  Speaker 2: saw this fascinating thing that and I never knew this existed,
• 15:51
  Speaker 2: that there's a rail line that goes from Dallas to Toronto.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: What do you what do you gonna do?
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: We all got a little Danny Devido in it wants
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: to be Billy Crystal. And if you don't get those references,
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: google it.
• 16:32
  Speaker 1: Oh I loved Mama. It gets a lot easier if
• 16:40
  Speaker 1: you start thinking of your mom, like it's the mom
• 16:42
  Speaker 1: from Throw Mama from the train. Everything becomes easier. Who,
• 16:48
  Speaker 1: by the way, was a sweetheart of a woman for
• 16:50
  Speaker 1: all things Treehouse Treehouse on Air dot com. Listen to
• 16:53
  Speaker 1: The Treehouse Show podcasts, available everywhere you get your podcasts
• 16:59
  Speaker 1: and at Treehouse US on air dot com. We'll see
• 17:01
  Speaker 1: you next time right here inside the Treehouse. MHM.