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Transcript

The Heavy Wait Diaries: Chapter 1 · Heavyweight

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: Hi, I'm Jonathan Goldstein, host of the hit podcast Heavyweight.
• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Our fourth season will begin on September twenty sixth, But
• 0:09
  Speaker 1: worry not, I've prepared a delicious amuse boush to amuse
• 0:13
  Speaker 1: your boosh while you wait. Over the next eight weeks,
• 0:17
  Speaker 1: I'll present the Heavyweight Diaries, short Peabody worthy pieces of
• 0:21
  Speaker 1: hard hitting journalism, sprinkled, as all journalism is, with subtle,
• 0:26
  Speaker 1: tastefully executed, barely noticeable instances of paid product placements. Set
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: your Heavyweight timers for eight weeks and start polishing your
• 0:35
  Speaker 1: silver plated Heavyweight dessert spoons because you're in for retreat.
• 1:02
  Speaker 1: Alex wants to see you in the studio, Harper says.
• 1:06
  Speaker 1: Alex is Gimblet Media CEO and founder Alex Bloomberg. Harper
• 1:12
  Speaker 1: is his executive assistant, and the studio is the special
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: one with the shag carpeting and the silent Grandfather clock that,
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: rather than potentially interrupting a recording session with an ill
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: timed dong emits at the stroke of each hour an
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: expensive puff of Chanelle number five. Of course, I know
• 1:34
  Speaker 1: why Bloomberg wants to see me. I've been working on
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: the new season of Heavyweight for months now, without a
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: single thing to show for it. Where did the time go?
• 1:59
  Speaker 1: It's all panicky blur. In January there was the week
• 2:03
  Speaker 1: long team building event at the Dude Ranch, where my
• 2:05
  Speaker 1: producers and I learned to ride donkeys, learned to milk donkeys,
• 2:10
  Speaker 1: and learn the importance of teamwork by doing trust falls
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: off our donkeys. And most of March was spent preparing
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: for my big news media profile. We want to understand
• 2:22
  Speaker 1: your moves, the reporter told me, the way you embrace
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: death with such calm resolve. I thought the interview would
• 2:30
  Speaker 1: be Fog of warlike in its depth and Barbara Walters
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: like in its national primetime audiencenss, but instead it ended
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: up being a four minute appearance on a mixed martial
• 2:42
  Speaker 1: arts podcast that thought Heavyweight was a boxing blog. And
• 2:55
  Speaker 1: now the day of reckoning is upon me. Bloomberg wants
• 2:59
  Speaker 1: to see me. Oh why today, of all days, had
• 3:02
  Speaker 1: I chosen to wear socks with holes? Earlier in the day,
• 3:06
  Speaker 1: putting them on made me feel capricious, But now that
• 3:10
  Speaker 1: regretful choice is making my dogs sweat something awful. What
• 3:16
  Speaker 1: if Bloomberg asks me to take off my shoes out
• 3:19
  Speaker 1: of respect for the studio shag carpeting, or to illustrate
• 3:23
  Speaker 1: some point about resilient adhocracy he'd picked up in management
• 3:27
  Speaker 1: training shoes in a pile, he might say, this pile
• 3:32
  Speaker 1: represents growth. I will nod my head, the shag tickling
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: my bare, sweaty dogs through the holes. Please don't look down, Alex,
• 3:43
  Speaker 1: I will think a thought that will only make my
• 3:46
  Speaker 1: dogs sweat harder than an ice cold bottle of Miller
• 3:50
  Speaker 1: High Life glistening in the desert sun. As Harper leads
• 3:56
  Speaker 1: me to the studio, my persperant dogs continue to moisten out,
• 4:01
  Speaker 1: pacing the already compromised wicking capacity of my oversaturated socks
• 4:06
  Speaker 1: and rendering the already unpresentable hosiery even more unpresentable. Perhaps
• 4:13
  Speaker 1: Harper would allow me to stop for a bathroom break
• 4:15
  Speaker 1: along the way. Once safely in a locked toilet stall,
• 4:19
  Speaker 1: I could peel off my socks and tape them to
• 4:21
  Speaker 1: the underbelly of a toilet lid for retrieval after work. Oh,
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: why today, of all days that I forget to pack
• 4:28
  Speaker 1: Gaffer's tape in my fanny pack? Does my caprice know
• 4:32
  Speaker 1: any limits? Maybe I could just squeeze the socks into
• 4:36
  Speaker 1: my front pockets. But what if Bloomberg asks me to
• 4:40
  Speaker 1: empty my front pockets contents of your front pockets in
• 4:44
  Speaker 1: a pile, He might say, this pile represents growth. Upon
• 4:50
  Speaker 1: seeing socks emerge from my pockets, Bloomberg might inquire as
• 4:54
  Speaker 1: to why I keep socks in my pockets. I was
• 4:58
  Speaker 1: planning on tennis after work, I might say, then, why
• 5:02
  Speaker 1: aren't there pump palms on the ankles of your pocket socks?
• 5:05
  Speaker 1: He might ask, Only a Neanderthal plays tennis without sock
• 5:09
  Speaker 1: pump poms, Jonathan, are you a Neanderthal? Canadian tennis prohibits
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: pomp pomery of any sort, I might say, such a
• 5:20
  Speaker 1: proud people, He might say, time to see just how proud.
• 5:25
  Speaker 1: Let's strip down to our jockeys and play some tennis
• 5:28
  Speaker 1: right now. I'll whip you, but good. The thought of
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: Bloomberg whipping me but good in my under dainties, what
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: with the dearth of elasticity dangerously compromising my pantywaiste, was
• 5:41
  Speaker 1: enough to get my dogs drooling, And so I decide
• 5:56
  Speaker 1: to do the mature thing. Harper, I asked, will I
• 6:00
  Speaker 1: be required to take my shoes off during the course
• 6:03
  Speaker 1: of this business? Meeting. When Harper fails to respond or
• 6:08
  Speaker 1: even acknowledge my having spoken words out loud, I realized
• 6:12
  Speaker 1: that posing my question was a bad idea. After a
• 6:17
  Speaker 1: few minutes, I ask if you would mind not repeating
• 6:20
  Speaker 1: this conversation to Bloomberg. But I'm not even sure if
• 6:23
  Speaker 1: what we just had was a conversation. He asked me
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: not to say something Harper might now say to Bloomberg,
• 6:31
  Speaker 1: But I am saying something. What are you saying, Bloomberg
• 6:35
  Speaker 1: might say, ask him. Harper might say, gesturing in my direction,
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: what aren't you saying? Bloomberg might say, Oh, I'd say
• 6:47
  Speaker 1: I just asked if Harper might not say anything about
• 6:49
  Speaker 1: the surprise birthday party I'm planning for you. My birthday
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: isn't for another ten months. Bloomberg might say, what I'd
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: like most is a surprise tennis for birthday party. But
• 7:01
  Speaker 1: instead of tennis rackets, we could use spanking paddles, the
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: kind traditionally used on liars. And instead of boring old champagne,
• 7:10
  Speaker 1: I might say, we could drink the champagne of Beers
• 7:14
  Speaker 1: Miller High Life. By the time we reach the studio,
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: my knees are rubbery and my sweat drenched socks are
• 7:26
  Speaker 1: making squishing sounds in my shoes. I walk into the studio, and,
• 7:31
  Speaker 1: to my tremendous relief, see that I'm alone. Bloomberg isn't
• 7:35
  Speaker 1: here yet, so it's just me and my socks. I
• 7:39
  Speaker 1: quickly take off my shoes with the idea of stashing
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: my socks down my pants and wearing just my now
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: wet shoes, a plan that should work as long as
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: the subject of tennis does not arise, which it shouldn't,
• 7:53
  Speaker 1: as my socks will no longer be in my front pockets,
• 7:56
  Speaker 1: but will rather be secured safely down the front of
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: my pants, where they cannot be seen nor commented upon
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: by the eagle eyed journalist turned oligarch. Fingers trembling, I
• 8:08
  Speaker 1: remove my right sock and stash it with my left
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: sock and mid peel. I pause for a moment to
• 8:15
  Speaker 1: savor my victory. For once, Jonathan Goldstein will escape humiliation.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: The sodden sock clears my last little toe with a
• 8:24
  Speaker 1: flourish sending a gentle arc of dog sweat across the
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: studio at the exact moment that Alex Bloomberg walks in
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: the door. This has been chapter one of the Heavyweight Diaries.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: With any luck, the new season of Heavyweight will begin
• 8:54
  Speaker 1: on September twenty sixth, and you can chart our progress
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: each week with a new Diary update. And remember the
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: best place to listen to Heavyweight is on Spotify. The
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: second best place to listen to Heavyweight is in a
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Beautiful Villa in the Italian Alps. Heavyweight is me Jonathan
• 9:10
  Speaker 1: Goldstein along with Jorge just Stevie Lane, Khalila Holt and
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: b A. Parker. This episode was mixed by Emma Munger,
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: music by Bobby Lord. Our ad music is Vivaldi's Spring
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: performed by the Wichita State University Chamber Players. We'll have
• 9:26
  Speaker 1: a new chapter of the Heavyweight Diaries next week.