Latest / REBUILT: The Courage to Begin Again with Lorena Armitage / He Thought He Had to Handle Everything Alone | Ashley Usiskin on Cancer and the Gift of Help
Transcript
- Lorena: Hi, welcome to Rebuilt the Courage to Begin Again. Today I'm speaking with Ashley Usiskin A few years ago, he was a fit, busy, and very fiercely independent man. And then suddenly he was rushed into the hospital, diagnosed with cancer and also an autoimmune disease. Now, getting through that whole treatment and chapter of his life meant that he needed to accept help. And it really confronted a belief that he carried with him for so much of his life, which was that he had to figure out everything on his own. In this conversation, Ashley shares how that experience changed his relationship with asking for help, where his independence began, and why letting someone show up for you can be a gift for both of you. If you've been carrying too much by yourself, I think you'll find something here that will help you. Rebuild again. And this is Ashley Usiskin Ashley, thank you so much for joining me. I've really been looking forward to this conversation because asking for help just sounds really simple, but in reality it can be really hard for a lot of us. And you're you're on a mission to help us all do that. so welcome. Ashley Usiskin: Thank you very much, Lorraine. I'm really looking forward to this conversation. Lorena: Fantastic. Well, before we go on to talking about who you are today and all the wonderful things that you are doing, why don't you just kind of take us back to who you were before lymphoma and the gift of help and before life just really asked you to rebuild what happened, When that diagnosis changed everything. Ashley Usiskin: Well, yeah, so it's a great question to just pause and reflect as to where I was and where I've come from. Yeah, before the diagnosis, I was a very fit, healthy, strong 49-year-old. I was running my own company, doing brand and business coaching for founders and entrepreneurs. And then from a physical health perspective, at the time I was living in Amsterdam and I was passionately cycling. I was riding like 12,000 kilometres a year. I was captain of a cycling club. I was doing crazy challenges for charity. And yeah, around this period in the lead up to the diagnosis. I was actually, now looking back, I can see that the little signs were there in terms of just some fatigue and something not feeling quite right. I wasn't able to get out of my body what I was really expecting when I was training. And then the body has this incredible way of raising a red flag to show you Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: actually. something's not quite right. Lorena: when was that moment when you realized hold on a minute, I really need to look at my health maybe a little bit deeper. Ashley Usiskin: Well, interestingly, wasn't so much a sort of the big change was a health review. It was, I mean, the whole episode was pretty sudden, pretty dramatic. I woke up one morning and I had these unexplained bruises all over my body. had blood blisters on the inside of my mouth and on my tongue and without going into the huge details of just how this all unraveled. But I was essentially rushed to hospital into an emergency situation, given sort of life-saving blood transfusions and infusions to take me out of this critical state. And then over the next week, eventually they were able to diagnose me. It was a bit of a like, felt like an episode from House. It was like a lot of... difficult to understand symptoms that weren't necessarily an obvious diagnosis. And eventually they came back with a non-Hodgkin's lymphoma and a very rare autoimmune disease. And it's interesting, Lorana, that it's when you're in that state and in that period, you're essentially in survival mode and your attention and your mindset is very focused on physically recovering. And to go back to your question as to this health review, it started more, I suppose, with a sort of mindset review, if that makes sense. Lorena: Bye. Ashley Usiskin: It was more about, and this is the critical driver and motivation for all the work I'm doing now, was it wasn't the first thought that came into my head of Okay, I need to adjust my way in which I'm living my life from a health perspective or a physical perspective. It was very much more of a mindset lens that I took a big, and I'm still going on this path of reviewing. And critically, it was this whole awareness and understanding of how I'd spent. pretty much my whole life being like fiercely independent. I'm basically Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: relying on myself. And this was a period having had the diagnosis and then being put onto a pretty debilitating chemotherapy and immunotherapy program. It was the, what I call like an ask for help bootcamp. There was Lorena: Right. Ashley Usiskin: no choice about it. It was more of my life depends upon it in terms of getting through this to actually get out of my own way and not be stubbornly independent and ask for help. Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: And the experience is what has really led to this life change, this transformation of Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: being more aware and then confident and brave to actually ask for help and receive it. Lorena: Yeah. So interesting. I I didn't I didn't know that you had that autoimmune disease, but I can I can relate in the fact that my mother has an autoimmune disease. So we know how life changing in a in a second. life can change so quickly. Ashley Usiskin: Yeah. Lorena: Okay, so so the mental part was I mean, I guess you compartmentalize, you know you have to do the physical kind of recovery, but you talked about that whole mindset recovery and and that was kind of the the thing that really triggered it all. So maybe walk us through that moment, like, okay, you now have a diagnosis, it's a physical thing, you know you have to do it, you now know you have to go through this. treatment, which is is quite debilitating. What was going through your mind? Was your was your your worlds kind of crumbling in the background, like, my God, you know, how how am I gonna build from here? Or what was happening? Ashley Usiskin: It's funny that you're asking that question. I completely understand the spirit behind it. If I remember that period, there weren't many times of feeling like my world was literally calming down on me and crashing. There were some very specific times of realizing how serious this was. It sounds strange. I never really had that one moment of a doctor coming in and saying, basically, you've got cancer. It was very incremental journey of being in a life threatening state. And even enduring it, I don't think I realized how, how life threatening it was through to then just dealing with every day as it came as to, right, well, this is, we're now trying to just get out of an exhausted life-threatening phase. Okay, and then it's like, right, next day we're gonna start focusing on trying to work out what's going on. And then it's the next day is like, okay, well, we have to do some tests. And then the next day we need to wait for the specialist to come back and do their thinking and come back with a diagnosis. So a lot of the time it was day by day. Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: There were moments when I was a bit confronted with, in fact, I remember the first night when I was admitted to the emergency ward of being surrounded by people who were very debilitating states. Lorena: Hmm. Ashley Usiskin: And I can say this slightly shamefully of going, I looked at everyone else and go, gosh, I'm not as sick as them. Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: But it did. contextualize the health situation I was in, in terms of I'm being treated within the same sort of cohort of patients, that that was the reality check. But in terms of how and when this moment of realizing that actually I needed to ask for help, it was a lot more reflective. So it was realizing that actually in sort of micro moments how my old character or nature of approaching life was just not going to get me through this. So, Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: you know, I can remember this is like, sounds so silly, but there was a moment I think on the second night where I'm on an IV drip machine and I need to go to the bathroom to go for a pee. And I'm thinking, well, Can I take the IV machine and unplug it from the wall to go to the bathroom? do I, is that gonna basically, I don't know, start, it will kill me? What I'm trying to share here is this, crazy, the stories that we have in our head of going, why wouldn't you just simply go and ask the nurse and say, look, can you help me? Because I need to go to bathroom and can I take the IV machine with me? There was this Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: like, no, I need to work this out myself. Or what a stupid question. Or there's. little instances that started to imprint how crazy the narratives that we have in our head, or that certainly I do, that prevent you from simply getting support, advice, help. And Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: here we were in actually critical life situations. Lorena: It sounds like, you know, listening to you tell that story, it sounds like, you know, your life kind of changed all of a sudden. You know, it was your one episode, life changed and and then it you know, your identity of independence all of a sudden gets stripped away from you. and and how do you just change the person that you are one day to the next is is a very hard thing. I mean we all try and change through habits and change through implementing little things at a time, but in a moment where you're being asked to just be someone who you essentially are not because you you know, you you weren't relying on anyone, that's that's really hard. Ashley Usiskin: Yeah, it is. And this Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: is the appreciation I think I've been through increasingly over the last four years of you've hit the nail on the head, Lorena. It's it's an appreciation of your identity and how that's actually something you attached to and that's needing to evolve. And lots of reframes have happened as a result of this, of this sense of how... to change this, what I'm calling is a relationship with help of going, actually, it's a strength to ask, not a weakness. It's a showing maturity. It's a demonstration of self-awareness. It's even generous because you're allowing people in. So this whole, as I say, it's a transformational relationship and the way I certainly have been thinking about help up until that point has completely Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: flipped. Lorena: So I wonder what was emotionally harder for you? Was it needing help? Was it asking for help? Or was it accepting help? Ashley Usiskin: Well, if I may, might answer the question slightly differently and then I'll try and answer your actual question. I think I went through it in stages. It was the first one simply was this act of accepting it, of like letting nurses and a medical team come in and say, right, well, do you need to shift your position in the bed or can we get you some painkillers or just literally going, right, there's a team that's basically on hand to help you. this was like, wow. The first one was like, wow, this is amazing. What is it like to just allow people to offer you help and you accept it? To answer your question, I would say emotionally, yeah, asking has been the hardest. And Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: it's challenging so many embedded, as I said, stories, narratives. habitual ways in which I've gone about life in the sense of this is how I've coped, this is how I've managed for 49 years. I've done pretty well out of it. And Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: now it's having to be challenged. It's having Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: to be rewired. Lorena: How do we rewire then? Because I I if all of a sudden you just your life changes in an instant and then you just have to not rely, but you need to ask for help. how do how do we how do we just maybe it's a necessity and and it's a survival like you described it before, you're in a survival mode, right? But then as time goes on, I I guess that relationship with that identity must change. Ashley Usiskin: Absolutely. as with a lot of you asking like how do we often rewire, it's usually through crises that we have to force that different way of thinking or behaving or coping. So yeah, it's something that I think you, when you live it and then you experience the change of the outcome. in a way that you didn't expect and it's like self-reinforcing. So it's the sense of okay, there is a positive outcome by, well, let's work this through in a very granular level of going, right, if I'm trying to tell myself, for example, I feel like I lived with this story in my head of like asking for help is like being a burden. It's Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: like asking too much of someone. They're probably busy, feels like entitlement. So the simple act of then going to somebody like when I was getting chemotherapy and having to be going to hospital and they always said you need to be taken there and not go in a taxi or drive yourself obviously is Lorena: Right. Ashley Usiskin: to ask, like I did ask my neighbor who is a very good friend of mine. And the old narrative is like, well, Who am I to ask him in the middle of the day to get a lift to the air, to the hospital, thinking, maybe he's in the middle of work or it's gonna be a real inconvenience, to then have, get out of your own head and ask and then realize that actually he's all too happy. The outcome is so much more positive than you've told yourself of like, actually Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: he was very happy to give me a lift. And not only that, of just helping. a good friend of his. It Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: was also nearly appreciated as going, right, well, I get half an hour out of my work environment and I get to talk to a friend and I've got a bit of a change of head space and then I come back into work a bit more refreshed. Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: So it's those little acts that are the realities of... Well, look what happens when you do do it and it's completely different to what you've told yourself in your head. Lorena: Yeah. Isn't that isn't that funny how life works because I feel like we all have some sort of imposter syndrome that says, Well, who are you to do that thing? Who are you you know, what gives you the right to do that? You know, what gives what gives Lorena the right to to have this podcast or whatever narrative I'm holding in my head? And it typically just the outcome is typically so much better than you could ever imagine and And I guess it's the same with a with asking for help. so I mean, obviously you're you you turned this this experience of having to change your identity into someone that asks that asks for help, into something so much bigger, like the gift of help. but was there maybe a moment when a chip in your head changed when you were like, No, this is okay. was there a moment when when asking for help stopped feeling shameful in a way? Ashley Usiskin: can't necessarily recall one specific transformational moment, but I think it's been a buildup of mini micro ones that have reinforced to myself to go, it's not only okay, this is why I call it the gift of help, because it's actually, it's a gift to yourself. As I said to you, the experience of being in hospital just felt like this is amazing. There are people here. who are there to support you, to help you get through this, be, it sounds odd even for me to say this, don't know why, but like at your beckon call. I think that's a reflection of like even me feeling awkward saying that is just how still it's a, really, I warrant this, I'm worthy Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: enough to be having a whole team of nurses saying, yeah, I'm here to help you whenever you want 24 seven. To... That experience that is just positively reinforcing of going, yeah, it's okay. And not only is it okay, the two fundamental parts of this, which is just massively motivate me to be going on this mission with the gift of help of going, it's not just an okay thing, it's a lift, it's a boost. For both you, you get what you need. And this is why I try to do this, it's not just all about critical life. situations, it's in Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: the broader context of how we live our lives, of going, yeah, you get what you need. And the fundamental revelation that I experienced, whilst in hospital, was look how much it also gives a boost, a lift to the person who's offering. Like they Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: feel a sense of value, they feel like a sense of contribution. or even at its most fundamental level, just helping a fellow human being. it's actually even identified in sort of like psychology that that boost, that lift is called the helpers high. It's like our brains reward us with like an oxytocin and serotonin hit that makes us feel good. So Lorena: Mm. So Ashley Usiskin: whether we like it or not, we're hardwired to help each other. It makes us... have that sense of a boost. And that's why, as I say, feel it's something I'm so passionate about because it feels as if I had this moment, I can't describe the exact moment, but I describe it as being how come I've denied not only myself, but also the people around me what I call this gift of help by Lorena: Hm. Ashley Usiskin: simply not asking, by simply doubling down on being independent. by simply not allowing people in and just saying, I'll cope, I'll fine, I'll be okay. Lorena: Mm, mm. I mean, thank f we're here having this chat and from what I gather and what I know, you are in a much healthier state at the moment. So we're we're all very grateful for that. but how did then I I I guess your life just now turned into the gift of help, right? Ashley Usiskin: I'm smiling, Lorena, because it was never intentional from the beginning of this. If someone asked me four years ago, would I be doing what I'm doing now? It'd inconceivable. So it's been an incredibly organic journey from going through this, the chemotherapy and immunotherapy treatment that I was experiencing. something that was so transformational, so fundamental that I was thinking I want to share this. In the spirit of, am I the only stubborn middle-aged man out there going, okay, I'm fine, I'm okay, I don't need any help, that the consequence of that is then going, well, then you're not allowing anyone in, you're stubbornly going through your life by yourself and people around you who probably want to help you are not having that opportunity. to thinking, would this be a story that's inspiring and motivating to others to hear that just might just resonate to the point where they might just rethink their attitude towards allowing people to support them and maybe even being brave enough to ask. so this started as a podcast and... The first episode of which was me sharing my story, and it was just in a conversation format with a very good friend of mine. And then I invited guests onto the show that been through principally, well, very critical life changing events that had completely changed their attitude towards help. Lorena: Hmm. Ashley Usiskin: we started the podcast with it being in a sort of relatable, inspiring storytelling conversation format, but also Ways in which it was told that could relate to people are going, gosh, I sometimes think like that. Or I've also had an experience maybe earlier in my childhood that has meant that's the way I think about going about my life. So then also share how they then changed and what are the small tips or tricks or hacks or habits that they're now doing that's making them feel more confident. and braver to ask for help. So it had a storytelling format to it, but also I was very keen to make it practical. So what can people do with this? And this was the podcast, it was called The Gift of Help for Yourself and Each Other. And I ran that for about two years. And after the first year, so we're talking now July, 2023, I had one of these random universe gifting moments. So I don't know if you've heard of Simon Sinek. He's someone Lorena: Yes. Ashley Usiskin: that I followed and admired for quite a while. For your listeners that may not know, I'm sure many of them do, but he's famous for your start with why as a concept and he's gone on to do a whole load of other work around. leadership, workplace culture, personal development, human skill development. Anyway, he's someone that I've admired. And there was this crazy moment where I was on a train on the Eurostar from London to Amsterdam. And who do I run into? Simon Sinek. And it was this one funny moment of literally in my mind going, well, Ashley, are you going to practice what you preach? Like, are Lorena: Ha ha. Ashley Usiskin: you going to go up and ask for help? So I went and introduced myself and explained what my backstory and now this mission at the time I referred to it as to transform us from a world of help rejecters to help receivers. Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: And I specifically was wanted to ask for his advice on does he feel that this is just a personal anecdote or is this something that could be a bigger, wider scale behavior change type movement? And if he did, then what would be his advice to start? And just said, look, I've got a podcast, can I share the trailer with you? And you tell me what you think. The net net on that, Lorena, was we ended up having a conversation. He gave me some really insightful tips and advice to then six months later, I was invited to join his community of what he calls optimist instructors who are essentially the main experts in their area of a sort of human skill. And I was invited to then host a master class on what we call to how to master the skill of asking for help. And this was this pivotal turning point, Lorena, to... motivate me to think actually this is something that could be my livelihood, not just a Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: passion project and something on the side. It was something that could be taking up and I'd be very happily dedicating my life to that Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: actually has an opportunity for a livelihood. So from there, I started, as I say, running these online master classes that then took me into a space of doing more in real life workshops and corporate training programs, to then doing keynote speaking and public speaking and talks, which is where I am now and that's what I'm focusing on. And it's really doubling down on now what I speak passionately about is around the whole topic of resilience Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: and that trying to encourage us all and particularly leaders, that's the ones I focus on. to see asking for help as a strength, not a weakness. Lorena: Hmm. Ashley Usiskin: this is funny enough, so much response I get from people is going, yeah, I've always thought of, and that's what we're told is asking for help is a weakness. And that's that Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: fundamental flip to actually see it as a strength. And Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: then the other way I talk about it is it being an often overlooked and underused source of resilience of. stop trying to do life alone. That actually Lorena: Mm. Do you think Ashley Usiskin: getting brave and asking is it going to allow people to support you getting through what we're all recognising is life at the moment as being pretty tough with so much change and uncertainty and AI and everything Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: that's happening. Lorena: Do you think it's a cultural thing? asking for help is it is it more difficult I mean you've been doing this now for for a a while. D in your experience is it more of a of a yeah, of a cultural thing? Maybe male female, maybe you know, North American completely different to Europeans? I I would assume there's some sort of something there. Ashley Usiskin: Absolutely. I'm smiling because I think this could be a separate multi-series podcast on the different influences on asking for help. there's, I often break it down into there's the personal individual ones. And that's often just your own lived experience. And then the stories you've been telling yourself and ones that you could reframe and change. And then it's important to recognize what you're suggesting is also some of the ones that are perhaps out of your control. There's the cultural ones, there's the environmental ones. To pick up on the two that you mentioned in terms of like male or female, absolutely. And from what I've learned and understood and researched and speaking to people, it's difficult to summarize in a completely general sense, but you've got both males and females finding it uncomfortable, having resistance for different reasons. Females, often it's their default is, I think there's a sort of a maternal instinct to help others before they help themselves. It's Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: nearly like hardwiring. And that is, it's a wonderful sense of generosity, but also it's a sense of like how challenging it can be for them because they take that mindset into the workplace as well as their own personal and home life. So that would be one reflection on terms of the challenges that I often see that females have. Males, it comes back to, and I can obviously talk more personally to this one, is a fierce attachment to this sense of being independent and self-reliant. And this... projection of how they feel like they need to look as if, I'm just going to call it out quite bluntly and forgive my language, they've got their shit together. And that can be looked back in terms of from an evolutionary perspective, in its very rudimentary sense of the males, the alpha males were the ones that looked like They were strong, they were self-reliant, they were independent, they could feed the tribe, they could build shelter, and they could do it by themselves to then be attractive to the females to procreate. So there is a bit of a sort of like looking back into our sort of like caveman days that sort of explains a lot of the challenges we face as a male or as a female as to where that resistance comes from. To then go back to your question about North America, Europe, I would agree. think, funny enough, actually, Simon Sinek talks about, particularly in North America, this double down on rugged individualism and this Lorena: Hm. Ashley Usiskin: celebration of independence and being a self-starter and being a go-getter and doing things yourself. And that's... is to a certain extent helpful, but in lot of areas of life, it's not going to help you. You could look at that, interestingly, I've lived in different places around the world. I have spent a lot of time in Spain. And if we look at that from a sort of Southern European culture, there feels as if there's a lot more of a stronger sense of community and a stronger sense of generally not having to rely solely on yourself to go through life. And it's more feels acceptable or there's more sort of a permission to actually seek support in certain situations. Lorena: Hm. Ashley Usiskin: And then you could look Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: at other areas and parts of the world where it just feels completely natural and it's not even thought twice as to whether you actually seek help or advice or support. Lorena: Yeah, yeah, I could definitely see that. So to bring this whole thing conversation back to rebuilding and yourself. So for context, before you dedicated your career and your life to the gift of help, what were you doing? So like were you were you a banker? Were you what what was your line of work, if you will? Ashley Usiskin: A very brief summary. my career, started it within advertising agencies. So I was in account management. So I'd be on the agency side, servicing big multinational clients. And then moved to, I was doing that in big network agencies. It's important probably to reference that because it's also a time in my life. can look back on as to when I experienced burnout without even realizing it. Lorena: Hmm. Right. Ashley Usiskin: I used to have more hair. I Lorena: Ha ha. Ashley Usiskin: was grinding my teeth. had eczema and just felt this was actually just the symptoms of having to do hard work. And it was a demanding environment. Now I can look back on and going. It was, but also it didn't help me that I told myself that I needed to make decisions, do things, pull all-nighters, look as if I know how to do stuff, not look as if I have big questions or I'm looking incompetent. So that was the beginning of my career, moved into client side, working in big corporates. And then after that, I was a consultant. After that, I became a co-founder of a startup. And then it was around that time when I was also doing Startup World that I was, as I explained to do, was a brand and business coach. So running my own company as a consultancy. And I recognize a lot of the habits and behaviors that weren't supporting me Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: during that period of Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: I can think how many things that I just thought, right, I need to do this myself. I need to work it out myself. I should Lorena: Mm. Mm. Ashley Usiskin: know how to do this. I think it's a classic profile and syndrome of the founder of The Entrepreneur, Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: where they're driven to just like, right, I'm gonna build this myself. And yeah, no successful Lorena: Yeah. So it Ashley Usiskin: companies ever being built because of one person. Lorena: Yeah. So a true pivot then from from this very stressful corporate to then entrepreneur starting your own business, go, go, go, go, go. It has to get done. You need profits, whatever it is that you're chasing, to just shifting now to well, we're gonna talk about this new identity, if you will, of it's okay to ask for for help. It's a completely line of business. It's a completely, and I wouldn't even call it line of business. It's a complete different purpose in life, rebuilding purpose for you. and how many you know, I think 90% of the people that aren't tapped into their life's purpose, they are just chasing chasing the dream of corporate, chasing the dream of money, chasing the dream of the bigger house, the bigger car. And then getting burnt out or just working hard, hard, hard, doing the burn the the all-nighters, the trying to figure it out, but burning themselves to the point where at some point, if they don't ask for help, life is going to make them ask for help. and so I I think this chat is really important for this audience because this is all about rebuilding, right? So and and why the people l listening are probably going through some sort of rebuild themselves. So if we imagine someone that is listening right now and they know that they need help to become the next version or the next chapter of themselves in whatever manner that is. But that person cannot bring themselves to ask for help. What is the one small specific ask that you like how do they do that? How do they begin to ask? Ashley Usiskin: It is a great question Lorena and often I get asked this. A few things spring to mind. The simplest way I often tell myself this is start small and be specific. And before we even get to that actually, it's also having a bit of time, and this is often the hardest part, to just stop and think what actually is the help or the support or the advice that I really need. So you could reflect on, so what's holding you back or what might be draining your energy or what might you be procrastinating about? And it's doing that reflective work and just to break it down and going, what if... XYZ. So what if I was able to be introduced to somebody or what happens if I could get some help here? It's like the consideration of if the world was kind and it could give you some little gifts that could just land on your plate, tiny, tiny specific ones, what might that be? Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: And then when you have that clarity, then it's like, well, what could be the smallest act that could create some progress or momentum to getting that, whatever it might be. So Lorena: Hm. Ashley Usiskin: that's a very sort of like general approach of like, okay, just taking the time out to go, what exactly is the help I need? Right? Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: If it's I don't know if it's in work, or it's in your health, or it's in your family life, or my parenting. anything it's just going well it'll be a just a tiny thing that will just make things a little easier. Start there! Lorena: Hm, mm. Ashley Usiskin: And then it's to consider, right, well, okay, I don't know. It's, I'll give you an example. So a cousin of mine who I love dearly, we were on the phone and her partner was in a health situation that meant she couldn't really help as much in the parenting of their two kids. So she was struggling a bit and she was recognizing how she's terrible at cooking and she would be struggling after work to come back and make food for the kids. it was something that, it was really troubling her. Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: So if we unpick that, it's like, well, what would be the tiniest little thing that could really make things easier? It'd be like, well, I don't know how, if I could just have something that would just make dinner for the kids just a little bit simpler or easier, quicker, or someone could help me make dinner for them. And I said to her, I said, look, I know that you're the most giving, generous person out there. And she was very involved with the school of the kids. And I said, do you have like a WhatsApp group with other school mums? She was like, yeah. I said, well, imagine just putting a message out, just saying, I'm really struggling at the moment, partner's sick, I'm trying to make dinner for the kids, I'm not very good at it, can anyone help? And she was like. And I'm like, I tried to flip it saying, you're gonna do it for me. I said to her, nothing's gonna make me happier if you just send that message to the WhatsApp group and then just see what happens. Lorena: Hmm. Ashley Usiskin: 10 minutes later, she sends me a screenshot and there's three people that have said, I'll drop around some food to tomorrow. Another one said, what do the kids like eating? Another Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: person said, look, no problem, I can't do it this week, I'll do it next week. Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: I'd reference that, Lorena, as a simple way of going, right, you can get swamped by the everyday overwhelm of what pressures and demands you have. But just taking that moment out of going, right, well, what would actually make this a little easier? And then Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: doing the sense check of maybe what or who exists around me that might be able to help or support. And then just taking the brave first step, making it light, you know, it's like, I'm not going to Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: phone up my next door neighbor, maybe I can just send a little WhatsApp Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: and then see what happens. Lorena: Yeah. That's so interesting. I'm gonna I'm gonna flip the question then, 'cause imagine then now we have someone that is listening, that it's in the middle of a rebuild, and they are so programmed to saying no, and someone comes and offers help instead of automatically saying no, I'm fine, how do we help the person listening to know and acknowledge that? Maybe it is fine. Ashley Usiskin: I'll speak from my own experience as to what I've used to encourage me to say yes. is the flip of imagine the roles were reversed. So imagine, okay, let's take you and I, Lorena. Okay, so let's say you're the person who often says no, and I'm coming in and saying, Lorena, I'm really, really all too happy to help you. I don't know, let's say you're moving apartment, or you're starting your new business, or you might just need some help with the kids, whatever it is. And I'm saying, look, I can help. and your default is to go, no, no, no, I'm fine. I would then encourage you, Lorena, go, well, imagine it was the other way around. And how would you feel if you were offering me something and I would be default by saying no, that hold on, be like, well, hold on. This isn't a burden. I'm not doing it by being charity. How are you gonna feel if I said yes? In fact, let's go through that. Let's say right, you were offering Lorena: Okay. Ashley Usiskin: some help for me or something, and I was like, instead of saying, no, no, no, I'm fine, let's say, I don't know, I was not feeling well, and you said, I shall come and drop around some food for you. And instead of saying no, I said yes. How would that make you feel? Lorena: Happy. Helpful. Giving. Ashley Usiskin: So the encouragement then is try to then remind ourselves at that moment of going, no, no, I'm fine. It's like to go, hold on, if I say no, I'm actually denying you to feel helpful, happy, being able to contribute. And that just, Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: I don't know, it's helped me to do the, it's like you're literally denying someone the chance to just go, I can feel good or I feel useful or I feel like I've helped someone. Lorena: It sounds so simple, but it you know, just to say it, but I would I would feel rejected. you know, just like when someone asks you out to da you know, to a dance when you're a teenager and you say, would you like to go with me? And then you say no, like, I feel rejected. I guess that's what I'm thinking, like, I would feel rejected and and that's like the last thing we wanna do as humans is to make other people feel that way, right? Ashley Usiskin: Yeah. And it's, it's, it's such a tough challenge here, Lorina, and I fully get it. It's because our default instinct, maybe our ego voice is always going to think about ourselves first. But then if we go, well, hold on, how's it going to feel the other person if I say no? And as you said, it's like, well, you've literally, it's like you've come around and you've given me a gift, a present. And I said, no, no, no, I don't want that. And they go, well, that's not very, Lorena: That's not nice. Ashley Usiskin: You wouldn't say no if someone gave you a gift. So it's like a reframing of when people offer they're trying to say I'm trying to give you a present here. Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: And then go back to what we saying of going, it's not easy here, but it's like if the gestures are a little easier to accept, you start to sort of train that muscle, you start to sort of flex that mini habit of going actually. I'm more and more saying yes to the little offers, the little gestures. Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: And that might then start to make it more instinctive and intuitive to say yes. Lorena: Yeah. Ashley Usiskin: It's funny, you've just brought into my mind, I'm not sure if this is relevant here, because I know you're trying to focus on the people that are trying to rebuild their life and just allow people in to support them or even more. bravely ask for help. But if I may, I'll just talk about this scenario of when you fly, the number of times that people are sort of struggling to put their sort of carry on luggage above, and yet when someone might offer them, they're going, no, no, no, I'm fine, I'll do it. And I can only talk about my own experience of going, when I do offer and someone goes, yeah, help me, I'm like. It's a little moment of going, great, I was able to help. And if Lorena: Yeah. Yeah. Well Ashley Usiskin: they say no, I just feel like, yeah, it's a bit of like, okay, a bit of like awkward rejection. like, look, you know, either you're, not very tall, so you can't reach or you're looking at an age where, you know, this is quite heavy for you to do, I'm more than happy to do it. Lorena: Hm. Ashley Usiskin: And it's just those reminders that, yeah. There's, you're gonna, we both end up feeling better. Lorena: Yeah. Well I'm five foot tall, so I'm always very happy when someone asks for if I they could help me with my luggage in the plane. Ashley Usiskin: So the next time we're flying together at Lorena, I'll very happily help you out. Lorena: Thanks. Ashley, I tend to finish and before we go into what you're doing and you can give us a little bit more information on how to find you, I tend to finish these conversations with with the question of courage. What was the smallest act of courage that helped you live now the life that you are living? Ashley Usiskin: so I'm going to be brave and share something that I've got more, brave to share because I didn't talk about this much before my diagnosis. the courageous act that has made a big shift for me. If I may, I'll connect the doctor. So why do I feel and now recognize that I have had this fierce independence and stubborn self-reliance and I've been like that throughout my whole life? Is I've had the self-awareness and reflection to understand where that came from. And that has come from my childhood. And that came from a realization of I lost my mother when I was five years old. She died Lorena: Hm. Ashley Usiskin: in her sleep. And I can now be a little bit more gentle on myself to realize that that life event, that tragic life event has... cultivated this attitude of, need to go about life alone. I need to rely on myself because I had a mother one day and I didn't the next. So, Ashley, it's all on you. And this recognition has just, as I said, created a little bit more softness and gentleness on myself to just go, right, so that is why. you've lived your life with in that way. And now it's this courageousness, this bravery to recognize one, that's where it's come from. And now two, Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: have the, yeah, I suppose it's the courage to go, okay, you don't need to carry on that way. You can be brave and say, actually, I could do with some help here, or... actually here I'm struggling or actually you know more about this than I do. and let people in. Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: And actually, I love the title of the podcast because so much of life starts with courage. And here is a perfect example of, I would often talk about in my work, of actually the starting point for a lot of this in terms of asking for help is having the courage. Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: It's having the courage to admit that I can't do this. I haven't got Lorena: Mm. Ashley Usiskin: it all sorted. Someone else might be better at this than I do. Having someone else support me is actually going to help me get through this, whereas is relying on myself. That takes a lot of courage. And then... Lorena: Yeah, looking in, looking inwards. Ashley Usiskin: looking inwards, looking inwards to then, courage to look inwards to then have the courage to then look outwards to support you. Lorena: Yeah. what a good way to end this conversation, Ashley. That was so profound. I really I really enjoyed that. before we go, tell us whatever we haven't heard about the gift of help. Where can people find you? Who do you work with? You know, all the things. Ashley Usiskin: Thank you, Lorena. I really appreciate the generosity to talk about this. So what I'm most excited about at the moment now is doing more and more keynote speaking. So I talk with companies, organizations, communities, teams, particularly around this topic of resilience. And it's this recognition of As I touched upon, I think we're all feeling the challenges of the world we're living in today. It's faster paced than ever. We've got the whole monumental change in our lives about AI. We've got economic uncertainty. There's craziness happening everywhere. And to support us through this, we can cultivate and build resilience by not just looking inwards to where that resilience is going to come from, but actually it can be built together. And this is where I, as I say, I'm very passionate about talking to audiences about, as I say, asking for help. Is this very much overlooked and underused source of resilience? And that if we can be brave and we can get out of our own way. and recognise where we could benefit from having support from others, we will cultivate more resilience, greater connection, more trust, and have a way in which we can live and thrive together versus struggling alone. And as I say, I'm very much more focusing on giving talks on that topic. particularly focus as I say more within the workplace environment, particularly what I call stretched leaders, the ones that feel like they've got to make all the decisions themselves, they have all the responsibility, they have so much pressure and demand. And the interesting insight is when that increases, the more we naturally default to thinking, I've got to solve this by myself. Lorena: Yeah. Fantastic work, Ashley. I i especially in the age of AI and technology taking our lives and having to to live in a such a pressurized world, asking for help and and creating that Ashley Usiskin: it. Lorena: as a resilience mechanism becomes really, really important. Ashley Usiskin: It's as important as ever, as you highlight, Lorena. In the world of AI, it's this whole sense of humanity and having connection, having the bravery to form and cultivate these relationships that is going to allow us to thrive versus AI that could seemingly take over all of that and we can become more disconnected than ever. Lorena: Yeah. Ashley, thank you so much. I think so many of us us have learned through our lifetimes to associate strength with carrying everything ourselves. So I just want to thank you for just reminding us that sometimes courage looks like just putting our hand in our own heart so that we can then raise that hand and ask for help and allow other people to stand with us and and to help us rebuild our lives or just take the next courageous step. Thank you so much. Ashley Usiskin: Thank you so much, Lorena. I really enjoyed this conversation and I wish you and everyone listening well and health and happiness. Lorena: Thank you. If today's conversation gave you the courage to take the next step or it helped you keep going with the steps you've already taken, then we've done what Rebuild exists exactly to do. Until next time, keep rebuilding.