Latest / The Parenting Podcast / Ask Us Anything: Parenting Styles in Action | Ep. 125

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Ask Us Anything: Parenting Styles in Action | Ep. 125 · The Parenting Podcast

• 0:05
  Speaker: Hello and welcome to another episode of the Parenting Podcast.
• 0:11
  Speaker: I'm Cheryl Lang, your host and fellow advocate for all things parenting.
• 0:18
  Speaker: I'm glad you could join us today as we read and respond to letters from parents just like you, discussing their experiences and seeking guidance on various parenting styles and strategies.
• 0:31
  Speaker: From finding balance and managing burnout, to navigating differences with spouses and caregivers, TPP is here to provide support and guidance.
• 0:43
  Speaker: Oh, stick around to learn some of Chrissy's family's rules for how to be funny.
• 0:51
  Speaker: Okay, let's dive in.
• 1:01
  Cheryl: Well, good afternoon to the two of you.
• 1:03
  Christie: Hello.
• 1:04
  Christie: It's a rainy
• 1:05
  Cheryl: day.
• 1:05
  Cheryl: There's some pretty loud thunder this morning.
• 1:08
  Christie: Yes.
• 1:09
  Christie: It's been a very active spring weather season.
• 1:12
  Christie: And when we leave here, the humidity is probably at 95
• 1:15
  Ellen: percent, so it'll be lovely.
• 1:17
  Cheryl: I don't, what, did you see the stats?
• 1:21
  Cheryl: You talked about active season.
• 1:23
  Cheryl: How many tornadoes there have been?
• 1:25
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:25
  Cheryl: I think like 99 in the summer.
• 1:27
  Cheryl: state.
• 1:27
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 1:28
  Cheryl: Which is
• 1:28
  Christie: well over average.
• 1:29
  Christie: And we're not all the way to summer yet.
• 1:31
  Christie: No.
• 1:32
  Christie: Uh uh.
• 1:32
  Ellen: Wow.
• 1:33
  Ellen: We still have another full month of what they consider tornado season.
• 1:36
  Ellen: So that'll be.
• 1:37
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 1:38
  Christie: I think the weatherman said he hadn't had one full seven day stretch without a tornado.
• 1:42
  Christie: A tornado night.
• 1:43
  Christie: I was like, I bet he knows better than anyone.
• 1:45
  Ellen: And they get so excited.
• 1:47
  Ellen: That's our local weatherman.
• 1:49
  Ellen: You would think that Santa was coming.
• 1:51
  Ellen: That's why they come here.
• 1:52
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 1:52
  Ellen: It's a big deal
• 1:54
  Cheryl: to be a weatherman in Oklahoma City.
• 1:56
  Ellen: Right.
• 1:56
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 1:56
  Ellen: Well, in Oklahoma City, it's either really boring.
• 1:59
  Ellen: Nothing's happening.
• 1:59
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:00
  Ellen: Or it's tornadoes.
• 2:01
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:01
  Ellen: This is like the Olympic season for them.
• 2:03
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 2:04
  Ellen: That's
• 2:04
  Cheryl: exactly
• 2:04
  Ellen: right.
• 2:04
  Ellen: And you can see they're just so excited.
• 2:06
  Ellen: I'm always delighted.
• 2:06
  Ellen: I'm always laughing at the different weathermen.
• 2:08
  Ellen: Look at how happy he is.
• 2:10
  Ellen: Well, I saw
• 2:10
  Cheryl: something somewhere on social media and it said, I don't know what's wrong with my channel five, whatever, Apple, my phone, it just keeps saying the same thing every single day.
• 2:21
  Cheryl: Oh, well, there's a reason.
• 2:24
  Cheryl: That's how it is.
• 2:25
  Christie: Yes.
• 2:25
  Cheryl: So thankful.
• 2:27
  Cheryl: Some people have been damaged, but we've gotten through pretty well here.
• 2:31
  Cheryl: The
• 2:31
  Ellen: south of the state got hit really hard.
• 2:33
  Ellen: Yeah, they sure did.
• 2:35
  Cheryl: Okay, so we've been in this season, this series on parenting styles.
• 2:43
  Cheryl: And so I've had a number of parents that have written Texted and had questions or comments and so that's always fun.
• 2:52
  Cheryl: So you want me to read some of this and let's respond.
• 2:54
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 2:55
  Cheryl: I'd love to hear.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 2:56
  Cheryl: Good.
• 2:57
  Cheryl: Infomercial.
• 2:58
  Cheryl: All of you let us hear from you.
• 3:00
  Cheryl: We, uh, love knowing what's going on in your life so we can make this real and active.
• 3:07
  Cheryl: And they can think of
• 3:07
  Ellen: things that we can't.
• 3:08
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 3:09
  Cheryl: 100%.
• 3:10
  Cheryl: Things that
• 3:10
  Ellen: they're in the moment with.
• 3:11
  Ellen: Mm
• 3:11
  Cheryl: hmm.
• 3:13
  Cheryl: Okay, so, uh, this was a mom that wrote us, and this was nice.
• 3:19
  Cheryl: She said, I like the way y'all are considering the benefits of each approach, as well as the negatives.
• 3:25
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 3:25
  Cheryl: And getting to the core motivation or heart behind each method.
• 3:29
  Cheryl: Is it safety, protection?
• 3:32
  Cheryl: Love, belonging, etc.
• 3:34
  Cheryl: But also I like when you
• 3:35
  Carol: pointed out it, it was sometimes from a place of fear or survival that we chose what to do.
• 3:42
  Carol: Yes, this is so
• 3:43
  Ellen: true.
• 3:43
  Cheryl: And that's encouraged.
• 3:44
  Cheryl: We try to be honest.
• 3:45
  Cheryl: Right.
• 3:47
  Cheryl: You know, but this is what we were trying to do.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 3:49
  Cheryl: So she captured how we've tried to do it.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: Uh, say it.
• 3:51
  Cheryl: And then she added this.
• 3:53
  Cheryl: Recently, I've been focused in my parenting on bringing more humor into conversations with my kids.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: Oh, that's good.
• 3:58
  Cheryl: Helping them learn to see the good even when life, school, friends are hard.
• 4:03
  Cheryl: Humor and laughter have always been a core value in our home, but especially recently, I've seen it diffuse some tense moments and help my kids reset their minds and hearts around hard situations at school with friends and teachers.
• 4:16
  Cheryl: Oh, I love that.
• 4:17
  Cheryl: Isn't that a great thing?
• 4:18
  Cheryl: Well, there's always
• 4:19
  Ellen: something funny.
• 4:20
  Cheryl: Yeah,
• 4:21
  Ellen: almost.
• 4:22
  Ellen: Yes.
• 4:22
  Christie: You
• 4:23
  Ellen: know,
• 4:24
  Christie: No, humor is huge at our house.
• 4:26
  Christie: We have rules of comedy.
• 4:28
  Christie: Like my, my girls.
• 4:29
  Christie: Tell me.
• 4:29
  Christie: Yeah.
• 4:29
  Christie: Well, we, okay.
• 4:30
  Christie: So there's, I don't remember them as well as my girls do, but one of them is like, always go back to the original bit, you know, like you always come, like you'll see it stand up.
• 4:40
  Christie: It always comes back.
• 4:41
  Christie: So yeah, my girls have like five to 10 rules of comedy that we have.
• 4:45
  Christie: And I just, one, one time somebody asked.
• 4:47
  Christie: It's just how I got all my kids to be funny.
• 4:50
  Christie: And I said, well, I gave away the ones who weren't funny.
• 4:57
  Christie: They thought I was serious at first, but I think you're, she's right.
• 5:01
  Christie: I think humor is just a great thing to have in your home.
• 5:04
  Christie: And it makes things lighthearted that, you know, can feel heavy sometimes and give some relief.
• 5:09
  Christie: So I love that that she has
• 5:11
  Cheryl: that value.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 5:11
  Cheryl: And that we were talking that we operate out of our core values.
• 5:14
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 5:15
  Cheryl: And that humor, to bring that, to make it a priority, never to laugh at, you know,
• 5:21
  Christie: but that's a good, a good point is that humor is also something we have to teach our children how to use appropriately because they need to, they need to learn what It is funny and what is mean, spirited or inappropriate or
• 5:37
  Ellen: learning to laugh at yourself is the most important skill you can teach in humor.
• 5:41
  Cheryl: Yes, it really is.
• 5:43
  Cheryl: And what you were saying, Christy, uh, it wasn't well done in my
• 5:48
  Carol: home growing up There was a lot of ridicule and making fun of, which should have been stopped and it wasn't.
• 5:57
  Carol: So then you have to get out of the sarcasm and all that to where it's really good humor.
• 6:03
  Carol: My
• 6:03
  Ellen: parents just were not funny ever.
• 6:06
  Ellen: And I'd be at the dinner table like laughing about stuff and telling them funny things and they'd just be staring at me like, what a scene assailant she come from.
• 6:15
  Christie: Well, yeah, I think humor, it also humanizes us to our kids when they see the part of us that's human.
• 6:21
  Christie: And, and my kids make fun of me for like, Enjoying the low lying fruit.
• 6:26
  Christie: I love anything punny.
• 6:27
  Christie: But yeah, I think humor is an important thing to cultivate.
• 6:32
  Christie: Yes.
• 6:33
  Cheryl: I would say when it's appropriate, try to lighten up.
• 6:36
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 6:36
  Cheryl: Which is
• 6:36
  Ellen: really 90 percent of the time.
• 6:38
  Ellen: We take everything too seriously sometimes.
• 6:41
  Cheryl: Well, and like we're getting ready to read something from a parent and there is more serious Sadness here.
• 6:47
  Cheryl: So we're not going ha ha ha.
• 6:49
  Cheryl: But where it's appropriate.
• 6:51
  Cheryl: Bring it in.
• 6:52
  Cheryl: Let's just laugh more.
• 6:54
  Cheryl: I love that.
• 6:55
  Cheryl: Let's make core value laughter.
• 6:56
  Cheryl: And yeah, that's good.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 6:58
  Cheryl: So like I said, this one's definitely more serious.
• 7:02
  Cheryl: I'm just realizing, I really don't know what kind of parent I am.
• 7:07
  Cheryl: And listening to some of the different styles, I realized, well, I'm not that one.
• 7:14
  Cheryl: when I listen to I realize, well, I'm not that at all.
• 7:19
  Cheryl: And then that jumps up and bites me in the booty because I'm always complaining.
• 7:23
  Cheryl: I always complain to my husband about not having clear boundaries with the kids.
• 7:27
  Cheryl: And then I don't really know how to set clear boundaries.
• 7:31
  Cheryl: And I'm very chill, hands off kind of parent.
• 7:35
  Cheryl: But also, I'm very tied to their emotional needs.
• 7:39
  Cheryl: I feel burned out with emotions quickly, though.
• 7:42
  Cheryl: And I quickly fall to feeling like, oh, I almost just don't care anymore because I'm too tired to.
• 7:48
  Cheryl: So maybe I'm more geared toward attachment parenting.
• 7:52
  Cheryl: I just don't know.
• 7:53
  Cheryl: What suggestions do you all have to help me?
• 7:57
  Christie: Yeah, that's, that's heavy.
• 7:59
  Christie: I can, I can hear her.
• 8:01
  Christie: The weight that she's feeling just in, in the way she writes that.
• 8:05
  Cheryl: And this is a mom and I wrote her back and I just said, please know our goal was not to hold this standard up saying, look at all the ways you can fail.
• 8:16
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:17
  Cheryl: You know, and don't do that and don't do this.
• 8:19
  Cheryl: But to look at it kind of like she was trying to do.
• 8:21
  Cheryl: Do I do this?
• 8:23
  Cheryl: What, you know, where do I go?
• 8:25
  Cheryl: And our goal was to kind of help you figure out what you want to be as a parent.
• 8:30
  Cheryl: Right.
• 8:31
  Cheryl: And that you
• 8:31
  Ellen: can be a blend of them.
• 8:32
  Ellen: Mm hmm.
• 8:32
  Ellen: I mean, I think that would be the ultimate goal, is to be a blend of all the different styles of parenting.
• 8:37
  Christie: Right.
• 8:38
  Christie: Well, and each parent, we're all individuals.
• 8:41
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:41
  Christie: And I mean, the best advice I've ever had given as a parent is, your children were given to you.
• 8:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:49
  Christie: Yeah.
• 8:49
  Christie: These exact children were, were meant to be your exact children in your home, whether, however, they came into your family, they are your children and you're designed to be their parent.
• 8:59
  Christie: And so I think this mom is right to, to search for her own identity as a mom and just realize This is how I'm made.
• 9:09
  Christie: This is my personality.
• 9:10
  Christie: This is my temperament.
• 9:11
  Christie: These are my children's personalities.
• 9:13
  Christie: And not try to fit into a mold or, uh, a style, but you can draw from the positives of different, different examples.
• 9:21
  Speaker 4: Mm
• 9:21
  Cheryl: hmm.
• 9:22
  Ellen: And I was saying off mic that, um, depending on the ages of your children, they will also tell you.
• 9:29
  Christie: Right.
• 9:29
  Ellen: You know, they may not use the same words, but you know, Well,
• 9:32
  Christie: that's a good point too is that they, they will tell you the good, bad and ugly.
• 9:36
  Christie: So we are all no matter our personality or our styles, we're all making mistakes in real time.
• 9:41
  Christie: We just don't know what they are yet.
• 9:42
  Christie: Well, see, that's the big lie that I think she's
• 9:45
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 9:46
  Cheryl: Drinking from is that if I could figure out, you know, my parenting style.
• 9:51
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:51
  Cheryl: Like, am I one third this and two thirds that or if I could just figure it out, then I could do it.
• 9:58
  Cheryl: Right.
• 9:59
  Cheryl: Perfectly right.
• 10:00
  Cheryl: And so I just see failure.
• 10:02
  Cheryl: I see that she's getting identity out of it.
• 10:06
  Cheryl: And then look at the burnout.
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: Yes.
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: Yeah.
• 10:08
  Speaker 4: You
• 10:09
  Cheryl: know, trying so hard to run a race to be something else than who she is right now.
• 10:16
  Ellen: Well, if you think of it, if you're on a race course, And then you come to these different forks in the road and rather than just stay on the course, you get distracted and go over here and over here by all this other stuff when you just need to stay on the, on the course.
• 10:31
  Ellen: And that's kind of our society.
• 10:33
  Ellen: There's always something new, something better.
• 10:35
  Ellen: Why don't you try this?
• 10:36
  Ellen: And rather than just recognizing, you know, a lot of it is.
• 10:41
  Ellen: There's basic principles that we're kind of going over, sort of follow those.
• 10:46
  Ellen: I don't even know if you need to worry so much about what kind of parent you are, as long as you know that you're doing the right things for your kids.
• 10:52
  Ellen: Well, see, and
• 10:53
  Cheryl: that's what her insecurity is here.
• 10:56
  Cheryl: You know, she's afraid she's ruining her children, which, which everybody is, I'm just saying.
• 11:01
  Cheryl: Oh, by the way, that's the big club.
• 11:03
  Cheryl: Right.
• 11:03
  Christie: You know, I really do think that's the lie that.
• 11:06
  Christie: None of us know in the moment.
• 11:09
  Christie: The thing that it took me raising my children to figure out that I didn't realize was the hang up is wanting to have achieved something.
• 11:19
  Christie: Raising children with no mistakes and that is just not ever going to happen for anybody
• 11:25
  Ellen: or the mistake ruins them Because that's we take okay, you made a mistake, but in our brains we go I just ruined
• 11:32
  Cheryl: them You know, you know and as your children get older, which we mentioned they want to help you understand Maybe a lot of them and help your perspective in that because that's part of who they're becoming Separating from us and evaluating how they were raised what their parenting is and and they're still
• 11:53
  Carol: becoming They're letting you know about right
• 11:55
  Ellen: how many times I've said to my children.
• 11:57
  Ellen: Yeah, when you become a parent you can do
• 11:59
  Christie: it that
• 11:59
  Ellen: way
• 12:00
  Christie: Well, and I think it's been very surprising They have seemed surprised anyway when my young adult kids have told me about all my mistakes, and I agree with them Yeah, yeah, I think they expect me to get defensive, but I I do agree with you I wouldn't go back and do it the same way, but I can't go back now So it is what it is, and you know if I didn't make that mistake.
• 12:22
  Christie: I was gonna make a different one
• 12:28
  Ellen: And that's healthy and freeing they may not see it at this point But it is, it's healthy and freeing for the whole relationship if we can go, I didn't have all the answers.
• 12:37
  Ellen: I didn't know everything.
• 12:38
  Ellen: You're not going to know everything.
• 12:40
  Ellen: You'll see that that's part of adulthood that nobody prepares you for is that, you know, you don't graduate at 18 or 21 and you know, everything there is right.
• 12:49
  Ellen: Life is just a series of figuring it out.
• 12:51
  Christie: Yeah, yeah
• 12:51
  Cheryl: I
• 12:52
  Christie: think that's an encouragement to us and to any other older moms that might be listening to be transparent about the, you know, I remember when I was a young mom, the people who were most encouraging to me were the ones who were honest about their struggle rather than the ones who said, Oh, when my children were young, I always, Played Classical Music and did water coloring at 10am and you know the people who are real and so that's encouragement for us to keep it real too.
• 13:20
  Cheryl: And one of you said the word free and so if I were going to speak to this mom I'd go, we would love to bring freedom to you.
• 13:27
  Cheryl: Right.
• 13:27
  Cheryl: You know, to, you know, to the world.
• 13:29
  Cheryl: Build confidence and sure pull ideas.
• 13:32
  Cheryl: That's why we're doing TPP.
• 13:34
  Cheryl: We would like to offer what we do here to encourage you and to bring you hope and to free you up to be yourself and not bring condemnation.
• 13:43
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 13:44
  Cheryl: And
• 13:44
  Ellen: I always remember asking myself, especially in harder times, am I enjoying my children?
• 13:50
  Ellen: You know, am I so hung up on myself and what I'm doing wrong that I'm not just enjoying my kids?
• 13:56
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 13:56
  Christie: Going back to the humor thing.
• 13:58
  Christie: Yeah.
• 13:59
  Christie: Just.
• 14:00
  Ellen: Because a lot of times they are really funny whether they want to be or not.
• 14:04
  Cheryl: But again, we just haven't mentioned that element of look to enjoy your family.
• 14:09
  Cheryl: You know, and so what's preventing me?
• 14:11
  Cheryl: And we know there's seasons and difficult things, but fight for joy, fight for enjoying one another.
• 14:19
  Cheryl: Instead of getting it all right.
• 14:22
  Christie: Yeah, I remember a time that I was really on this mission to limit our screen time.
• 14:27
  Christie: And I was working really hard to, you know, remove the screens from our lives.
• 14:32
  Christie: Yeah.
• 14:32
  Christie: Well, you know.
• 14:33
  Christie: I had us quit cold turkey and that was a disaster.
• 14:37
  Christie: And I was finding myself yelling at my kids and, you know, getting frustrated and they were angry and I thought, this is not helpful.
• 14:45
  Christie: I was talking to somebody about it and they said, which is better for you guys to be sitting and laughing at a movie together and enjoying each other's company or, you know, Having a cranky mom yell at them and you know scream and be frustrated with one another and I thought okay It's not about the screen time.
• 15:03
  Christie: It's it's about what I'm investing in what I'm modeling for And I love
• 15:07
  Cheryl: the intentionality of it.
• 15:08
  Cheryl: Yes, we're not gonna just mindlessly do all this but do it together And
• 15:13
  Christie: so yes, maybe we needed to cut back on our screen time, but it could be done in a way That was much healthier and yeah I, I hope maybe that would encourage this mom that there's a way to navigate pros and cons of each style and different things you want to learn and grow in without just being so rigid and, and conforming to something who you really aren't.
• 15:33
  Christie: Very good.
• 15:33
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 15:34
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 15:35
  Cheryl: Here's a different kind of question.
• 15:37
  Cheryl: It has a specific direction., I got this question several different ways from several parents.
• 15:43
  Cheryl: What are some strategies for maintaining consistency in parenting approaches between different caregivers, such as parents, grandparents, and daycare providers?
• 15:54
  Cheryl: And then here's a little note.
• 15:56
  Cheryl: I definitely want to parent differently than my parents did.
• 15:59
  Cheryl: My dad was an authoritarian style parent, minus any relationship, and my mom was a permissive, minus a close relationship.
• 16:07
  Cheryl: So I always felt insecure in anything I did because I had no idea what was to be expected.
• 16:14
  Cheryl: Communication was severely lacking in our home between my parents and us kids.
• 16:18
  Cheryl: That was and is a major driving force in my parenting decisions.
• 16:23
  Cheryl: and then just goes on to ask, ask that question we, the other one asked.
• 16:27
  Cheryl: What do you do if your spouse has a different parenting style than you do, or grandparents?
• 16:31
  Cheryl: I know that for me and my sister, we have had to get some boundaries with my dad when he's tried to be authoritarian with our kids.
• 16:38
  Cheryl: It really triggers us.
• 16:39
  Cheryl: Thankfully, he's learned not to say anything and we still have a decent relationship with him, but it's challenging.
• 16:45
  Cheryl: Mm hmm.
• 16:46
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 16:46
  Ellen: Well, I think, I've always looked at it like, um, grandparents and aunts and uncles and friends, babysitters, they all bring something different to the table.
• 16:57
  Ellen: And each of those relationships, my children need to learn how to maneuver.
• 17:02
  Ellen: So they're going to be around maybe, you know, my parents love them, but they were very insensitive people.
• 17:09
  Ellen: So my kids, when they spent time with them, usually got their feelings hurt.
• 17:14
  Speaker 4: We had to
• 17:14
  Ellen: talk through it.
• 17:15
  Ellen: There wasn't anything I could say to change how my parents were and just helping my kids learn.
• 17:21
  Ellen: That sometimes people can be insensitive.
• 17:24
  Ellen: They may not mean it as fully as you took it, you know?
• 17:27
  Ellen: And so then they go to the other grandparents and have something totally different, good or bad.
• 17:32
  Ellen: And I think that's, we have to look at it.
• 17:34
  Ellen: That's how our children are learning things.
• 17:36
  Ellen: And we still have influence to help them navigate
• 17:39
  Speaker 4: when
• 17:39
  Ellen: they come up against a hard situation with a relative or friends or whatever and I show them how do you walk through this?
• 17:47
  Ellen: Very good.
• 17:48
  Christie: Yeah.
• 17:48
  Christie: I think it's, um, good to have some non negotiables that you're, you really have to, you know, that sounds like this parent is, has some guidelines that they've sat down with their father and said, this is a non negotiable.
• 18:00
  Christie: But after that, I think you're right that our kids do have to learn to navigate different scenarios and different personalities.
• 18:07
  Christie: Yeah.
• 18:08
  Christie: And understand, I mean, there were certain things that we didn't do in our home that they might be allowed to do at grandma's and, and that that's just a time and a place kind of thing.
• 18:17
  Christie: But I think as long as they're safe and they feel safe, you know, depending on the age of your kids, you can talk to them about safety with others in their lives and if they feel comfortable with the, the adults.
• 18:30
  Christie: And, um, I, I think probably where I would.
• 18:34
  Christie: Um, I would say the thing that would be different is with your spouse, I think.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 18:38
  Cheryl: So let's talk about the others and then let's go to spouse.
• 18:41
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 18:41
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 18:42
  Cheryl: Because it's different within your home because I had several different people say, what do you do when you and your spouse are different?
• 18:49
  Cheryl: Right.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: All right.
• 18:49
  Cheryl: So.
• 18:50
  Cheryl: Let's go back to this.
• 18:52
  Cheryl: I like the perspective you talked about, Ellen, in this, that this is a learning situation as long as there are, like the word, boundaries.
• 19:01
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:01
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 19:02
  Cheryl: And I do want us to deal more with boundaries this year.
• 19:05
  Cheryl: Let's come back and have other episodes on it.
• 19:07
  Christie: Yeah, yeah
• 19:08
  Cheryl: But there have to be certain boundaries of you know, know you can't have on an R rated movie.
• 19:13
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:14
  Cheryl: Moral, ethical things that you have boundary lines for.
• 19:16
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 19:16
  Cheryl: And certain ways of working that, but we have lots of good conversations because, uh, different extended family, uh, Um, I told my children they demonstrate love in a different way, or they have different standards.
• 19:32
  Cheryl: So we talk about, this is why we do this And you
• 19:35
  Ellen: help them maneuver, hey, when your grandpa says that to you, this is a good way to handle it.
• 19:41
  Ellen: Oh, that's really good.
• 19:42
  Ellen: You know, so that's what I'm saying, that you walk your kids through how do you handle.
• 19:46
  Cheryl: Right.
• 19:47
  Cheryl: And the word is empowering.
• 19:48
  Cheryl: That's a word we use now.
• 19:50
  Cheryl: that the children can Learn those skills.
• 19:54
  Cheryl: To empower to say certain things.
• 19:57
  Cheryl: Grandpa, I don't, I don't like that.
• 19:59
  Cheryl: I'm not talking about anything unhealthy.
• 20:00
  Cheryl: Unhealthy.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: Right, right.
• 20:01
  Cheryl: I'm just talking about style or, personality differences That's what I'm talking about.
• 20:08
  Cheryl: Nothing that would
• 20:08
  Christie: be abusive or dangerous or anything like that.
• 20:11
  Christie: Yes, of course.
• 20:11
  Christie: Always
• 20:11
  Cheryl: that disclaimer.
• 20:12
  Cheryl: We are not talking about anything abusive.
• 20:14
  Cheryl: I
• 20:14
  Ellen: mean, every family has the rude relative that says blunt, rude things to children.
• 20:20
  Ellen: And if they're not used to that, they're like really wounded.
• 20:23
  Ellen: And you have to tell them, This is how Aunt so and so is.
• 20:25
  Ellen: She says that to
• 20:26
  Christie: everybody.
• 20:27
  Christie: Well, I think it's a good opportunity, too, to reiterate your family's values with your kids in conversation, but also give them a time to exercise some autonomy.
• 20:37
  Christie: Like, we had a lot of, um, candy consumption, I Yeah.
• 20:42
  Christie: And, you know, I, I chose to, at grandma's house, you can do that.
• 20:46
  Christie: Yeah.
• 20:47
  Christie: We have more control over what happens in our house.
• 20:50
  Christie: But then I would encourage them, like, hey, think about how you're going to feel after you eat that.
• 20:54
  Christie: You can make that choice.
• 20:55
  Christie: Right.
• 20:56
  Christie: But here's some information you may want to consider.
• 20:58
  Christie: And they, they had the autonomy at that point.
• 21:00
  Christie: Yes.
• 21:01
  Christie: To make the decision.
• 21:02
  Christie: And it was really actually a good learning experience for some of my kids to make those choices.
• 21:06
  Christie: And my, I remember laughing that my in laws would be like, Yeah.
• 21:10
  Christie: She didn't want to eat all.
• 21:12
  Christie: I'm like, well, because, you know, she's not going to feel good or, you know, certain TV shows that would, you know, we maybe wouldn't watch at home that weren't vulgar, but maybe just we didn't love the attitudes of characters or something.
• 21:23
  Ellen: But food can be a really big thing.
• 21:25
  Ellen: Yes.
• 21:25
  Ellen: Cause that was my problem with, I love my in laws.
• 21:27
  Ellen: They were super fun.
• 21:28
  Ellen: Yeah.
• 21:29
  Ellen: But my mother in law never ate a healthy meal at her home, so the kids loved going over there.
• 21:35
  Ellen: And at first I was trying to control it.
• 21:37
  Ellen: And I went, no, this is stupid.
• 21:39
  Ellen: They have to learn.
• 21:39
  Ellen: So like you were saying, Christy, they would spend a week or, you know, weekend with them and they would.
• 21:45
  Ellen: If they overate, they come home sick, and that was enough to teach them, Oh, instead of eating five candy bars over the whole day, have one down by one Coke
• 21:58
  Cheryl: and one Twinkie.
• 21:59
  Cheryl: Well, you know, we talked about controlling what we can control and not, and with non
• 22:05
  Carol: optional relationships.
• 22:07
  Carol: Okay, there's some people that are friends or a neighbor or somebody at school.
• 22:11
  Carol: Those are relationships that are not core in your family.
• 22:14
  Carol: But when you have relationships with extended family, you cannot control that.
• 22:19
  Carol: And so, uh, when I realized that, I, you know, I was surprised I figured it out to have the conversations about different things and to talk about it in certain ways.
• 22:31
  Carol: And when they would come home with extended family or bring certain things up, we would talk about it.
• 22:37
  Carol: And it surprised me because that's one of the areas since my children have been grown that they have come back to me and said, wow, now we see what is really going on.
• 22:50
  Carol: Wow, mom.
• 22:52
  Carol: You did a really good job of how you handled that we never saw that.
• 22:56
  Carol: Yeah, we never felt that we never felt condemnation or judgment on them in areas where they would do things that like what we didn't do in our home.
• 23:05
  Ellen: Because your kids will get to an age where they'll see it.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 23:08
  Cheryl: And when they saw it, they went, wow.
• 23:10
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:11
  Cheryl: You were just loving them so well that we didn't see.
• 23:15
  Cheryl: What we now see.
• 23:16
  Ellen: My kids would just go, Mom, I feel so sorry for you that those were the people that raised you.
• 23:21
  Ellen: And I'd just laugh.
• 23:24
  Ellen: I'd go, Yeah, I know.
• 23:25
  Ellen: So I never have to explain sometimes why I'm crazy.
• 23:28
  Ellen: But I mean, you know, they could see that, you know, by the time they got older, but that's, that's
• 23:33
  Cheryl: all important.
• 23:34
  Cheryl: You know, really?
• 23:35
  Cheryl: Yes.
• 23:35
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 23:36
  Cheryl: Now that's, we're talking about non
• 23:38
  Carol: optional and caregivers and babysitters, you have a whole lot more control.
• 23:42
  Carol: Right, right.
• 23:43
  Carol: Right.
• 23:43
  Carol: So.
• 23:43
  Carol: And, you know, that has lots of flexibility and you just have to decide, I think, you know, I don't like this person or the way they're handling it.
• 23:51
  Carol: We'll do it a different way.
• 23:52
  Christie: And if it's anything that's, that's really non negotiable, you just have to limit that, the time that that person cares for your child.
• 23:59
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 23:59
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 24:00
  Cheryl: So now what do you do when your spouse has a different approach?
• 24:04
  Cheryl: And there were several questions on that.
• 24:07
  Cheryl: You know, I was the spouse that had the wrong approach.
• 24:09
  Cheryl: I
• 24:10
  Ellen: wasn't going to
• 24:11
  Cheryl: point to anyone
• 24:12
  Ellen: in the room.
• 24:13
  Ellen: You know, and my gentle husband was like, you know, you probably could have said it differently and maybe not ground them for a year.
• 24:19
  Ellen: Right, right.
• 24:21
  Cheryl: So, that's a bigger
• 24:23
  Ellen: challenge, isn't it?
• 24:24
  Cheryl: To get on the same page.
• 24:27
  Cheryl: One mom that wrote this, she has talked with me about it before, and it is really hard because she's trying to set certain boundaries and try to work on character development and particularly, uh, Devices are a big issue in their home and dad doesn't care and so they can do anything they want with him So, what advice would y'all give or speak into this?
• 24:55
  Cheryl: Well, I mean Nobody wants
• 24:57
  Christie: to be the strict parent of the two parents.
• 25:00
  Christie: There's always gonna be one There is always gonna be one and and I think You know, somebody said along the way, they are his children, too.
• 25:10
  Christie: Like, they're 100 percent their children, 100 percent your children, whether you think your way is right.
• 25:16
  Christie: better than theirs or not.
• 25:18
  Christie: It's still equal opportunity here.
• 25:21
  Christie: And so I think there does have to be compromise and, and typically opposites attract.
• 25:26
  Christie: So it may be that you balance each other out in a healthy way.
• 25:30
  Christie: If you can both give and take.
• 25:32
  Christie: Um, I mean, you can't control what the other person does.
• 25:34
  Christie: That's what I
• 25:35
  Ellen: would do as the stricter person by nature.
• 25:38
  Ellen: Sometimes, like I said, I'd ground everybody for a year.
• 25:41
  Ellen: Not literally, but, and then when Mike would get home, I'd explain the situation and he goes, I think you overreacted a little.
• 25:48
  Ellen: So, I realized, then I would go to my kids and say, Hey, I talked to your dad and he's right.
• 25:54
  Ellen: I'm sorry you're not grounded for a year, you're just grounded for a day.
• 25:56
  Ellen: Uh huh.
• 25:59
  Cheryl: So, the thread I keep hearing y'all say, Where we changed and we did better is humility.
• 26:06
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 26:06
  Cheryl: That we're willing to be humble about it.
• 26:08
  Cheryl: But in this case, I would say as long as the boundaries are reasonable.
• 26:15
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:15
  Cheryl: And so we're talking about that.
• 26:17
  Cheryl: We're not talking about something wrong, that there relationship as a couple is more important than how they're parenting.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: Mm-Hmm.
• 26:24
  Cheryl: Absolutely.
• 26:25
  Cheryl: That's right.
• 26:26
  Cheryl: And, and what I got kind of from this is her focus is her parenting.
• 26:31
  Cheryl: And worried about the imbalance with her, husband.
• 26:35
  Cheryl: And I would say, no, I think, That just doesn't matter.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: Right.
• 26:39
  Cheryl: When it's all said and done, when it's reasonable,
• 26:42
  Ellen: you
• 26:43
  Cheryl: You know, we're all making mistakes because kids
• 26:45
  Ellen: love you both.
• 26:47
  Ellen: And kids are so flexible and adjustable.
• 26:49
  Ellen: They'll realize dad's the softy mom's not, you know, so they always go to, you know, they would tell me that when they got older, yeah, we would sit around and go, let's see.
• 26:59
  Ellen: I think let's ask dad that because he'll say yes.
• 27:02
  Ellen: Oh yeah.
• 27:03
  Ellen: Mom will do that.
• 27:03
  Ellen: Right.
• 27:04
  Ellen: So I mean, that's just how kids are.
• 27:05
  Christie: True.
• 27:06
  Christie: So, and I, I think that's why as much as you can, it's, um, it's important to.
• 27:12
  Christie: Discuss things away from the kids and come in as a united front.
• 27:17
  Christie: And that's not always possible if it's in the moment, but if you can come in as a united front, you might go down, but you're going down together, you know, you might be wrong, but at least you're wrong together.
• 27:28
  Christie: And I feel like kids respect a united front more, which you gain a lot in the long run because of that.
• 27:34
  Ellen: And I have one caution though, because I was thinking early on was the kids were getting, you know, into more of those ages where it wasn't just don't touch that.
• 27:43
  Ellen: Um, somebody said to me, well, you know, make sure that Mike agrees with what you're doing or, um, check with him.
• 27:51
  Ellen: Afterwards, and Mike and I were talking about it goes, No, I don't like that because I don't want to be the bad guy.
• 27:58
  Speaker 4: If
• 27:58
  Ellen: you've already said this, and then I have to come in and I don't agree with you, unless it's really important.
• 28:03
  Ellen: I'm not going to be the bad guy and go No, they should get in more trouble.
• 28:07
  Ellen: That's that will be for future, right?
• 28:09
  Ellen: You know, good.
• 28:10
  Ellen: We're talking together on the issues.
• 28:13
  Ellen: So you kind of have a general idea because we're opposites.
• 28:16
  Ellen: We always come from a different point of view.
• 28:18
  Ellen: Right?
• 28:18
  Ellen: Right.
• 28:18
  Ellen: Cool.
• 28:19
  Ellen: Anything.
• 28:19
  Cheryl: You're not his parent, and he's not your parent.
• 28:22
  Cheryl: And that's what I was saying.
• 28:24
  Cheryl: I know it's hard because the passion you have for your children, okay, and you think, well, I'm doing this because I think it's right.
• 28:32
  Cheryl: No, you were saying, I'm right, he
• 28:34
  Ellen: or she needs to go along with me.
• 28:36
  Cheryl: But everybody across the board will say that your children benefit way more from a parent We've talked about that a little bit.
• 28:45
  Cheryl: I think it's important that people have a stronger marriage and security in their parents and their relationship than whatever the details are.
• 28:51
  Cheryl: I mean, we've spent weeks talking about parenting styles and that's a nice thing, but I would encourage the focus to be on the relationships.
• 29:01
  Cheryl: Working on your marriage.
• 29:02
  Cheryl: Yes, they want to see
• 29:03
  Ellen: you affectionate with each other.
• 29:05
  Ellen: Our kids would always tell us when they got older, We love that you guys always took a date.
• 29:09
  Ellen: Because we dated almost every week.
• 29:12
  Ellen: And made a point of saying, Hey, we're getting a babysitter and we'll be back.
• 29:16
  Cheryl: But not all marriages are strong.
• 29:18
  Cheryl: Right.
• 29:19
  Cheryl: And they don't always have, um, a really good person like Mike in there.
• 29:24
  Cheryl: but I would encourage the focus to be on the relationships.
• 29:29
  Cheryl: Working on your marriage.
• 29:30
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 29:31
  Christie: Well, and, and, uh, That's true, but when things are off balance, it's probably a deeper issue than this parenting issue.
• 29:42
  Christie: Yes, I agree.
• 29:42
  Christie: And so the issue probably shouldn't be fought out here in this moment.
• 29:46
  Christie: Right.
• 29:46
  Christie: Go ahead and just make the decision here.
• 29:49
  Christie: Together, united, and then deal with whatever those underlying marriage issues are outside of the parenting.
• 29:55
  Christie: That's a really good point.
• 29:56
  Cheryl: Very good.
• 29:57
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 29:58
  Cheryl: Well, we didn't get very far and our time is gone.
• 30:01
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 30:02
  Cheryl: Y'all want to come back in next time and let's address some more of these.
• 30:04
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 30:05
  Cheryl: Yeah.
• 30:05
  Cheryl: They're
• 30:05
  Ellen: good.
• 30:05
  Ellen: And hopefully they'll put the air conditioner on.
• 30:08
  Ellen: We never say that in here.
• 30:09
  Ellen: I know.
• 30:10
  Ellen: We're always freezing.
• 30:11
  Ellen: That's true.
• 30:11
  Ellen: I mean,
• 30:11
  Cheryl: that's why I have a jacket because usually we're so cold.
• 30:14
  Cheryl: Sorry.
• 30:14
  Cheryl: I'm just sitting here.
• 30:15
  Speaker 4: I'm actually sweating.
• 30:17
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 30:17
  Cheryl: Okay.
• 30:18
  Cheryl: So parents hang in there.
• 30:20
  Cheryl: Keep loving, keep persevering, because it's worth it.
• 30:29
  Speaker 2: As we come to the end of today's episode, I want to invite you to pause and reflect on the insights we've shared together.
• 30:38
  Speaker 2: Remember, parenting is not a destination, but a dynamic journey filled with both triumphs and challenges.
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: Let's work to embrace the messy moments and savor the joy in everyday interactions with our children.
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: I hope our conversation has reminded you again that there's no one size fits all approach to parenting.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: It's essential to find confidence in your choices.
• 31:05
  Speaker 2: While also remaining open to change and adaptation.
• 31:09
  Speaker 2: As you go about your week, consider where you can prioritize self compassion and growth.
• 31:17
  Speaker 2: Is it by setting healthy boundaries?
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: Nurturing your relationship with your partner?
• 31:23
  Speaker 2: Or simply finding moments to share laughter with your family?
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: Whichever area resonates with you most, know that you're not alone.
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: TPP is here to provide guidance and support wherever you need it.
• 31:38
  Speaker 2: Reach out to us through our website, social media channels, or email us at contact at the parenting podcast dot com.
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: Together let's continue this adventure of parenting with love, patience, and a healthy dose of humor.
• 31:55
  Speaker 2: So until next time, take care.