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Ignorant Compassion: Grief Etiquette, Do's and Don'ts · Live Your Legacy

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_01: Welcome to Live Your Legacy.
• 0:04
  SPEAKER_01: Where every story holds a turning point.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_01: And every turning point holds the power of legacy.
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Live Your Legacy.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Grace and greetings, everybody, and welcome to a place where every story has a turning point.
• 0:21
  SPEAKER_00: I'm your host, Patricia D.
• 0:23
  SPEAKER_00: Fordenberg, also known as Patty from New York.
• 0:26
  SPEAKER_00: And today we're discussing ignorant compassion, grief etiquette, do's and don'ts.
• 0:33
  SPEAKER_00: Now that I the title might catch your chat attention, how can compassion be ignorant, Patty?
• 0:41
  SPEAKER_00: That's exactly what we're exploring.
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we say things with the purest intention, believing we're offering comfort, only to discover that our words have created more pain.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever experienced that?
• 0:54
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever said something and later wondered whether it came across the way you intended it?
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_00: I believe most of us have.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm gonna go read that article and let me make sure StreamYard is doing well.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I'm gonna add a little visual effects here while we're waiting for that.
• 1:50
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, so here we go.
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Some visual effects.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: Let me get over here and down here.
• 1:58
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, here we go.
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_00: I do wanna do the run through here with you because this is something that I think is really important.
• 2:07
  SPEAKER_00: At some point, we are all going to experience grief, right?
• 2:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's part of life, can't escape it.
• 2:15
  SPEAKER_00: And oftentimes we again want to say the right thing.
• 2:19
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not so much about right or wrong.
• 2:21
  SPEAKER_00: That's why the do's and don'ts.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: There's a gray area.
• 2:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not suggesting it's right and wrong, I'm suggesting things that majority of the time work and majority of the time don't work.
• 2:36
  SPEAKER_00: Grief is a very individual walk, and as humans, if you're there for somebody who you love, you want to say things that are gonna make them feel better.
• 2:48
  SPEAKER_00: But again, according to medical studies and research, and my education and my favorite of all is the testimonies that I hear in my grievance chat rooms.
• 3:00
  SPEAKER_00: That's how I compiled all this information together.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: Now, little disclosure, I am not a medical doctor and I'm not a licensed therapist, and this should not replace medical attention.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: I am a certified grief consultant, and I meet you halfway and I share resources that work.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: It's not right or wrong, it's things that work.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_00: So they may work for you, and that's what it's about.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: I don't fix bones and I don't diagnose, but I will meet you halfway.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So today's article, Grief Etiquettes of Do's and Don'ts, is ignorant compassion and grief.
• 3:39
  SPEAKER_00: And here it is, I love to narrate it.
• 3:42
  SPEAKER_00: Grief is a sacred ground, and when someone is experiencing profound loss, even the kindest intentions can lead with unintended harm.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: In today's volume of Grief Etiquette, Do's and Don'ts, we're shedding light on what I call ignorant compassion.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: And this term is not meant to insult, but to educate.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: So often, words we offer from a place of love can deeply wound those in mourning.
• 4:10
  SPEAKER_00: Not because we're heartless, but because we don't realize the impact that we don't realize the impact.
• 4:16
  SPEAKER_00: Bottom line, in my grief recovery room, a safe space I hold as a grief consultant, countless brave individuals have shared testimonies of how certain common phrases left them feeling more isolated rather than supported.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: So let's explore a few.
• 4:33
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, how I can't imagine.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I can't imagine.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: This phrase, although well-meaning, often hits hard.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_00: It implies distance, a disconnection.
• 4:46
  SPEAKER_00: The griever already feels alone, and when we say we can't imagine, it reinforces the loneliness.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the truth we don't want to imagine.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: It's human nature, a survival instinct.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: And the oldest saying goes, if we put all our problems in a bucket, we'd still choose our own.
• 5:05
  SPEAKER_00: But this subconscious distancing can feel patronizing, even if it's meant to be comforting.
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: How are you so strong?
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: I could never be another phrase wrapped in a bow of admiration, yet it carries a subtle sting.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: This statement often comes off as a speaker is placing themselves above the griever, marveling at their endurance as they're not allowed to fall apart.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: It implies that their strength is abnormal and that the grief must be endured silently and stoically.
• 5:41
  SPEAKER_00: Let me be clear: grievers don't want a gold medal in strength, they want love, presence, patience, and compassion.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: So, what can we say?
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes the best support is silence, sacred presence without pressure.
• 5:59
  SPEAKER_00: But if you feel compelled to speak, try, I'm here with you.
• 6:03
  SPEAKER_00: There are no words, but I'm holding space for your pain.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: You could say that.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Help me understand how this feels for you.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna repeat it one more time.
• 6:24
  SPEAKER_00: Help me understand how this feels for you.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: These are open-hearted invitations, not conclusions that offer comfort without comparison and empathy without ego.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: And remember, grief is not a problem to be fixed or a wound to be minimized.
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: It's a process to be witnessed.
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: And we're all learning, and it's okay to be wrong sometimes, if you will.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: I don't even like to say wrong if you do something that didn't seem to work.
• 6:55
  SPEAKER_00: When we do a sincere apology, it could go a long way.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: But let's also choose our words with care because once spoken, they cannot be unheard.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let's keep showing up for one another, not with ignorant compassion, but with informed empathy and a humble heart.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_00: I said a lot, we got some comments here.
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for joining us.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_00: And oh yes, Brian, right?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_00: You agree, you agree, my friend.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for that.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate you, Brian.
• 7:24
  SPEAKER_00: Brian was a guest here.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you come back.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: Brian was a guest here on Livia Legacy, and it was so awesome to have you.
• 7:32
  SPEAKER_00: And this is an invitation for intentions versus impact, right?
• 7:39
  SPEAKER_00: One thing that stands out to me is that compassion isn't just about what we intended to give, it's also about what another person is able to receive.
• 7:48
  SPEAKER_00: Think about someone who's grieving, right?
• 7:50
  SPEAKER_00: They may be overwhelmed, exhausted, struggling to make sense of what happened, and we come a long way trying to find something meaningful to say, but do we stop to consider what that person actually needs?
• 8:04
  SPEAKER_00: Here's the question for you Are we offering comfort because the other person needs it, or because we're uncomfortable witnessing their pain?
• 8:14
  SPEAKER_00: That happens a lot.
• 8:15
  SPEAKER_00: That's happened to me.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: I I recognize this, and that's a powerful distinction.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we rush to say something because silence makes us so uncomfortable.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: But silence isn't necessarily about the absence of compassion.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes silence is compassion, and sometimes presence communicates more than words can ever communicate.
• 8:36
  SPEAKER_00: Before we continue, I want to take a moment to share a little bit about the purpose behind the show and the work that makes these conversations possible.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_00: Live Your Legacy is proudly produced by Mr.
• 8:49
  SPEAKER_00: Graham, and I am the founder of Mr.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Graham and also the chief evangelist officer, a profit for purpose company founded on one simple belief.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody wants to be remembered.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Now, somebody, some people may not agree with that, and that's okay.
• 9:05
  SPEAKER_00: That's what makes the world go around, but that's my statement here.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: And through our free public memorializing app, Mr.
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: Gram, check it out in the Play Store.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_00: It creates opportunities for individuals and families to honor loved ones, preserve meaningful memories, and celebrate the legacies that continue long after somebody is gone.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Because remembrance isn't just about looking back, it's about carrying love, values, and meaningful connections forward.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: Discover more on Miss You Graham, and I'll put up the link right here.
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you so much for being here.
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for connecting.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: Let me go ahead and put Miss You Graham and here we go.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: M-I-S-S-H-N-U-H-G-R-A-M.com.
• 9:51
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• 9:52
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• 9:59
  SPEAKER_00: So thank you.
• 10:01
  SPEAKER_00: But getting back on what we're talking about, right?
• 10:04
  SPEAKER_00: We want to say this.
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: We one more thing, one more thing.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: That with again going back to the do's and don'ts, the sometimes people get it twisted.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: There is no right and wrong.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: It's is it working or is it not working?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: This is the the strongest message I could give.
• 10:30
  SPEAKER_00: This is the strongest message I could give because a lot of people might think, Patty, who do you think you are?
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: I do not know it all.
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, I will say this over and over again because it's worth repeating.
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: There's so much more to be known that will ever be known, and there's so much more to be seen that will ever be seen.
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that's the bottom line.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I share things that work, that are proven to work, not only based on research, which research really is pretty much testimony, but anyway, but I love my favorite of all is like when I hear it out of the horse's mouth, when I'm having my grievance rooms, and the grieving individual tells me how they feel, and when there's a common thread, there's a common thread, even if it's not a common thread, I'll note it.
• 11:30
  SPEAKER_00: I'll note it, be like, okay, note to self-that's important too.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: But when there's a common thread, oh yeah, you better believe I'm gonna put that in my toolbox.
• 11:40
  SPEAKER_00: You better believe it.
• 11:42
  SPEAKER_00: So these couple of comments that I just shared earlier, oh, I can't imagine.
• 11:49
  SPEAKER_00: I've probably said that too.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Now I'm more intentional about it, so it'd be rare I say it.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Some things are sometimes so programmed in us that we say things we didn't want to say, and again, that's where I recommended that sincere, heartfelt apology.
• 12:09
  SPEAKER_00: Even though you can't unhear something, at least they'll know you know what they rethought and they didn't realize that wasn't something that was going to feel good to hear, so we don't want to hear that.
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: We could also ask things like, have you been sleeping?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's again an open, an opening uh a door of conversation.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_00: They could talk about their grief, or they could just keep it and you could tell from those answers where they want to go if they want to go a little bit more into what they're feeling, or you know what?
• 12:44
  SPEAKER_00: I really am not comfortable right now.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for asking me how I'm sleeping.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_00: They could say maybe just okay, and they want to leave it at that, and that's okay.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: That means just give them this space, is grace, and again get comfortable with the uncomfortable silence and chatty patty over here.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_00: It took a long time, it took a long time to recognize that.
• 13:09
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm so happy that I have, and now as a consultant, I share that with the world.
• 13:14
  SPEAKER_00: Be comfortable with that silence.
• 13:16
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes being there is all they need, it is all they need and want.
• 13:22
  SPEAKER_00: And speaking of finding the right words, I want to bring something into today's conversation that I think many of us can relate to.
• 13:32
  SPEAKER_00: Greeting cards.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_00: Greeting cards.
• 13:34
  SPEAKER_00: Now, I love greeting cards.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the last time you walked into a store looking for a sympathy card, right?
• 13:40
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've stood in front of that display reading one card after another, searching for the words that express what you simply don't know how to say.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: Brands like Hallmark have long been part of those meaningful moments when we want to communicate love, sympathy, appreciation, or remembrance.
• 14:00
  SPEAKER_00: But here's something I want you to consider is the card that you bring, that you purchase, that you make, bring comfort or the intention and personal connection behind it?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Does it?
• 14:16
  SPEAKER_00: Does it come all wrapped up in one?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: I believe a card can open the door to compassion, but what we write inside and how we continue showing up afterwards can just be as meaningful.
• 14:28
  SPEAKER_00: And that brings us right back to the burden of being strong.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: Let's revisit one of the expressions from the article.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: You're so strong.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_00: Now, strength is a beautiful thing, right?
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: But what happens when we begin expecting someone to be strong simply because they're surviving something painful?
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: Does surviving grief automatically mean someone feels strong?
• 14:53
  SPEAKER_00: I don't believe it does.
• 14:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes surviving means getting out of bed when you don't want to.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it means making dinner, answering a phone call, or taking care of your children while carrying a tremendous amount of pain.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_00: I think a lot of us can relate to that, including me.
• 15:11
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it means carrying crying when nobody else is watching, right?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: We're doing things that nobody sees us do, and we're experiencing things that nobody sees.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: And here's another question: what if instead of telling someone how strong they are, you gave them permission not to be strong?
• 15:33
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine saying you don't have to hold everything together with me.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: That's something right there.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_00: You gave them a key.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: What a difference those words make.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_00: They just they bring freedom, right?
• 15:46
  SPEAKER_00: We often admire resilience, but we need to remember that resilience doesn't eliminate vulnerability.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: And vulnerability doesn't mean weakness.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_00: And this is again a fine line that sometimes gets smeared.
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: And one of the most meaningful things we can offer someone is the freedom to be exactly where they are emotionally without expectations, right?
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now I want to ask a few questions here to and inviting you to think about, right?
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_00: Think about your own experiences.
• 16:19
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever received a sympathy card or a message that stayed with you?
• 16:24
  SPEAKER_00: Was it something beautifully written?
• 16:26
  SPEAKER_00: Was it a simple handwritten note?
• 16:29
  SPEAKER_00: Or was it the fact that someone remembered you during a difficult time?
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: For me, this is where the conversation becomes deeply personal.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_00: We often underestimate the power of being remembered, right?
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: Can we relate to someone's grief without comparing it to our own?
• 16:45
  SPEAKER_00: I believe we can.
• 16:46
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need to tell someone we know exactly how they feel because we don't.
• 16:50
  SPEAKER_00: We can acknowledge their experience while recognizing that every relationship and every loss is unique.
• 16:57
  SPEAKER_00: So don't compare.
• 16:59
  SPEAKER_00: That's one of the other again.
• 17:01
  SPEAKER_00: I don't want to get off course because in my grief etiquette I went one by one.
• 17:06
  SPEAKER_00: But yeah, the comparison thing.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: Again, I uh wrong slips out, but I catch it and it's what doesn't feel good, right?
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do we become defensive?
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: Do we explain what we really meant, or do we simply acknowledge that our words may have caused pain?
• 17:32
  SPEAKER_00: I believe humility is an essential part of compassion, and sometimes a sincere apology communicates more than an elaborate explanation.
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: I really highly suggest that.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: And here's the final question I have for you guys: what does it mean to truly show up for somebody?
• 17:48
  SPEAKER_00: Is it having the perfect words?
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it being willing to sit beside someone who when there are no words at all?
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: You just stay there in silence.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: I think the answer often lies in our willingness to be present.
• 18:04
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's the bottom line.
• 18:07
  SPEAKER_00: And as many of you live your legacy is built around three principles vision, impact, and purpose.
• 18:13
  SPEAKER_00: And today's topic connects beautifully with all three.
• 18:16
  SPEAKER_00: Our vision is reflected in the kind of relationships and communities we want to create.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: Our impact is experienced through the words we speak, the actions we take, and the way we make others feel.
• 18:29
  SPEAKER_00: And our purpose is demonstrated by how intentionally we choose to live.
• 18:34
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we think legacy has to be something enormous, a great accomplishment, a remarkable achievement, something the world will remember.
• 18:42
  SPEAKER_00: But what if part of the legacy is the way you're you comforted somebody during their darkest hour?
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's the handwritten note that kept they kept for years?
• 18:54
  SPEAKER_00: I know I've had I have a few of those.
• 18:56
  SPEAKER_00: What if the phone call you made when everyone else had stopped calling?
• 19:01
  SPEAKER_00: What if it's that?
• 19:02
  SPEAKER_00: That's legacy too, and that's why I believe grief etiquette is such an important conversation because how we communicate during life's most vulnerable moments can leave a lasting impression.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: And as we come to the end of today's episode, I want to leave you with these thoughts.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: Compassion doesn't require perfection, it requires awareness, humility, and a willingness to understand.
• 19:27
  SPEAKER_00: I can't say that enough.
• 19:29
  SPEAKER_00: I just cannot say that enough with the words that we choose and use you know there's that can make or break a person's day.
• 19:44
  SPEAKER_00: There's a saying called sticks and stones can break my bone, but words can never hurt me.
• 19:51
  SPEAKER_00: Words can hurt, words can hurt, but also words can heal.
• 19:57
  SPEAKER_00: And that's why if you slip and it's okay, sometimes we slip out of nerves, sometimes we slip out of old habits.
• 20:08
  SPEAKER_00: If you are sincere about taking it back and apologizing, go for it.
• 20:14
  SPEAKER_00: Apologize.
• 20:16
  SPEAKER_00: It's it's healing.
• 20:18
  SPEAKER_00: It's it is so words are powerful.
• 20:22
  SPEAKER_00: Words are powerful, and we're all going to say things that hurt occasionally.
• 20:27
  SPEAKER_00: It's human nature, right?
• 20:29
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, we get better at it as we grow older, right?
• 20:32
  SPEAKER_00: Hopefully, God willing, we're all going to be either misunderstood or misunderstand somebody, and we all have the capacity, I believe, or hopefully the potential to continue learning.
• 20:46
  SPEAKER_00: And that's really the purpose behind ignorant compassion and my upcoming book for Grief Etiquette Do's and Don'ts, not to make people feel afraid of saying the wrong thing or the thing that hurts them, but to encourage us to become more thoughtful about what we say and how we show up.
• 21:06
  SPEAKER_00: Before I go, I want to leave you with one final question.
• 21:10
  SPEAKER_00: When someone remembers how you showed up during one of the most difficult moments of their life, how do you hope they remember feeling?
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Think about that.
• 21:20
  SPEAKER_00: I want to say thank you for spending time with me today.
• 21:24
  SPEAKER_00: If today's conversation resonates with you, I invite you to share it with someone who might appreciate this perspective.
• 21:31
  SPEAKER_00: And don't forget to follow and subscribe to Live Your Legacy, a Miss You Grand production.
• 21:37
  SPEAKER_00: You could find us across our favorite platforms at livelegacy.
• 21:45
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Patricia D.
• 21:47
  SPEAKER_00: Fordenberg, also known as Patty from New York.
• 21:49
  SPEAKER_00: And until next time, continue living with vision, impact, and purpose because everybody wants to be remembered.
• 21:58
  SPEAKER_00: Grace and greetings, friends.
• 21:59
  SPEAKER_00: And again, oh, we got some before we go on, we got some more comments.
• 22:03
  SPEAKER_00: Hey, another guest who is on our show, and I welcome you back as well.
• 22:07
  SPEAKER_00: I welcome all our guests back.
• 22:09
  SPEAKER_00: We loved our guests, and thank you so much.
• 22:11
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you for the background.
• 22:13
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, the background, somebody's commenting on our background, and we have somebody writing out a card with some beautiful words.
• 22:20
  SPEAKER_00: And I encourage you, if there's somebody in your life that's going through some grief, write them a note.
• 22:28
  SPEAKER_00: Let them know that you're there for them.
• 22:30
  SPEAKER_00: Let them know you're thinking about them.
• 22:32
  SPEAKER_00: And again, with that being said, follow us and stay a while.
• 22:38
  SPEAKER_00: Stay a while.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: Okay, that's a wrap for now.
• 22:41
  SPEAKER_00: I appreciate every single one of you.
• 22:44
  SPEAKER_00: And till next time, live your legacy.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Thank you.
• 22:49
  SPEAKER_00: And here we go.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_01: And every time holds the power of the legacy.
• 23:00
  SPEAKER_01: Every single every scale.