Latest / The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast / 237. The "Right Way" To Reject Your Spouse Sexually... And What Healthy Rejection Looks Like

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237. The "Right Way" To Reject Your Spouse Sexually... And What Healthy Rejection Looks Like · The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast

• 0:00
  Speaker 1: You are listening to the Ultimate Intimacy Podcast, where we discuss how to find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: We believe that, no matter how many years you've been married, you can achieve passion, romance, happiness and ultimate intimacy at any stage of your life.
• 0:16
  Speaker 1: Join us as we talk to not only marriage experts, but couples just like yourself and people who are just flat out fun.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: The Ultimate Intimacy Podcast is for couples who have a good relationship but want to make it even better.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: We are going to talk about the right way to reject and the wrong way to reject.
• 1:04
  Speaker 2: If you are going to reject, that is so welcome to the podcast.
• 1:09
  Speaker 2: I think this is going to be a good subject, as I always say.
• 1:14
  Speaker 1: You always say that this is probably the biggest poll we have ever had responses to.
• 1:22
  Speaker 1: I'm looking at these answers and I'm like wow, just looking at all of the answers and how many people took the poll shows you that this is a serious, serious issue.
• 1:35
  Speaker 2: Absolutely yeah.
• 1:37
  Speaker 1: Right, because we'll throw out different topics or whatever and we'll get a lot of responses.
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: This one was like times five.
• 1:44
  Speaker 1: People are suffering.
• 1:46
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was just going to say I think I used to, before doing what we were doing, just figured that most people had decent sexual relationships, right?
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: Or at least half right Just assume yeah, you just assume that most people or really half people.
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: But the more we're into this and the more we hear from people, the more we really realize that the majority of couples are living in marriages where this really is a big problem, where the lower desired spouse is constantly rejecting the high desired spouse, and I would say the majority of couples deal with these types of things.
• 2:26
  Speaker 1: For sure, and we previously talked about being emotionally rejected and how that's even more so important.
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: It's equally important, but today we're focusing on sexual rejection, not the emotional rejection.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 2:43
  Speaker 2: So we all know what unhealthy rejection looks like.
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: Right, there's the excuses that we always hear, like oh, I have a headache, or I'm too tired, or I'm not in the mood, or one of those various.
• 3:00
  Speaker 1: Which are not always excuses.
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: Which, you're right, they're not always excuses, they're not always excuses, sometimes the physical body is too tired, yeah, or sometimes you really don't feel good.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: That's okay.
• 3:11
  Speaker 1: That's okay, yeah, and we're here to say that's okay.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: And it is okay to reject.
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: We're not saying that anytime the low desired spouse or the high desired spouse wants to be intimate that you have to give in that's not what we're saying at all.
• 3:24
  Speaker 2: Rejection is okay, but there really is a good way to reject and a very unhealthy way to reject.
• 3:30
  Speaker 2: So let's kind of jump in to some of the unhealthy ways.
• 3:36
  Speaker 1: Okay.
• 3:36
  Speaker 2: What do you think?
• 3:37
  Speaker 1: Sure, and then we're going to get to all of our pull responses, which are pretty good, I mean bad, pretty good, bad, yeah, yeah.
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: However, you want to look at.
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: Pretty accurate maybe, but some of the unhealthy ways to reject your spouse sexually would be like ignoring them, ignoring their advances without telling them why.
• 4:00
  Speaker 1: So what would that look like?
• 4:02
  Speaker 2: Well, I think like if a spouse is like kind of making the moves and the other spouse just pushes them away or rolls over and kind of sighs and like serious, you know, or just doesn't, doesn't give an explanation or any reason why, but just totally denies them, Moves their hand, yeah exactly, and I think the reason why that can be a problem is because you don't know why, like you don't know why they're rejecting you, and one of the common things, of course, to do is start letting things wander in your head, assuming right yeah you start making assumptions and most of the time assumptions are wrong.
• 4:38
  Speaker 1: Usually yeah, yeah, okay.
• 4:41
  Speaker 1: So the next one is making excuses repeatedly to avoid intimacy.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: So like constantly, like I have a headache tonight, oh tomorrow.
• 4:52
  Speaker 1: I have a stomach ache the next night.
• 4:55
  Speaker 1: I'm too tired.
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: I haven't showered.
• 4:57
  Speaker 1: I haven't showered tonight.
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: I feel clean.
• 4:59
  Speaker 2: I haven't shaved.
• 5:01
  Speaker 1: Whatever it is yeah, whatever it is Just always having an excuse, which these poll answers are going to be like.
• 5:08
  Speaker 1: Wow, people are full of excuses, so we're going to talk about that.
• 5:13
  Speaker 2: Using sex as a bargaining tool or punishment.
• 5:15
  Speaker 2: The reason why I'm signing a little bit is I think it's all based upon how I'm tanked, Because Amy and I have expressed before we do this playfully Like we'll be in pickleball or doing something and Amy will say hey, if we win this match, it's going to be a lucky night for you tonight.
• 5:37
  Speaker 2: Or if you put up the Christmas lights, it's going to be a good night for you, and vice versa, and I even do that to her as well.
• 5:45
  Speaker 2: I don't know that it works.
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: It's okay, if you're in a healthy relationship, to do those kind of things, but I don't think it's ever like that's that has to come from a healthy relationship, and that's in a playful manner, in a playful manner, but I don't think it's ever okay to do the opposite.
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: Yeah To say I'm only going to make love to you if you do this, this and this.
• 6:04
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like I don't think that's ever helped.
• 6:06
  Speaker 2: Absolutely Totally agree so.
• 6:10
  Speaker 1: Agreed.
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: And I think there are definitely times that people do that Say, well, I'm not going to make love to you unless you let me do this, or unless you let me go shopping and do this, or you know, basically using it as a threat or a punishment.
• 6:26
  Speaker 2: And I think you see it as a punishment a lot more often.
• 6:30
  Speaker 2: I'm not gonna make love to you and even if it's not set out loud, but I'm not gonna make love to you Because you weren't romantic enough or you didn't fulfill my other needs enough.
• 6:41
  Speaker 2: And again, I think this happens all the time and maybe isn't verbal, but a lot of times the lower-desire spouse will use sex as a punishment.
• 6:54
  Speaker 1: Absolutely, and I think that was head-in-hand.
• 6:57
  Speaker 1: Well, that's what we were talking about in our last episode, about Emotional intimacy and what could be expected, naturally, in a healthy way, and then what's too much right?
• 7:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly right.
• 7:09
  Speaker 2: And I think obviously this kind of goes along with it.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: But withholding affection or intimacy is like, like we said, a form of controlling behavior or manipulation.
• 7:20
  Speaker 1: Yes, that is can be abuse, so.
• 7:22
  Speaker 1: But it happens, all the time happens all yeah, okay, I'm gonna jump into this first question that I asked them.
• 7:30
  Speaker 1: I said how often do you get rejected, sexually rejected, in your marriage?
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: And this was to everyone, right.
• 7:41
  Speaker 1: Just I should have given a list and had a vote because I just did answers.
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: You're gonna.
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: This is crazy.
• 7:48
  Speaker 1: Weekly all the time.
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: Very often, 80% of the time, more than I get it.
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: Yes, once or twice a week.
• 7:55
  Speaker 1: Too often I was told sex is all I think about once a week.
• 7:59
  Speaker 1: More every time, almost every time.
• 8:02
  Speaker 1: More than 99%.
• 8:03
  Speaker 1: Two to three times a week I'm rejected regularly.
• 8:05
  Speaker 1: Weekly once a week 90% most of the times.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: 90%.
• 8:09
  Speaker 1: Nine out of ten regularly.
• 8:12
  Speaker 1: I mean I'm just swiping and swiping.
• 8:17
  Speaker 1: At least weekly 99%, 99.5, 97.
• 8:21
  Speaker 1: We go months at a time.
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: I think I know, I know that the people that are sexually rejected are the ones answering it, but, like I can't tell you how many answer, I mean, I'm like I'm just swiping and swiping and swiping right, like it's not stopping.
• 8:36
  Speaker 2: I'm, they're all the same.
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: They're all three times a week, constantly, often, almost every time.
• 8:41
  Speaker 1: I don't even bother initiating anymore because if she's not in the mood, it is not gonna happen, like we just got them talking about the last episode.
• 8:49
  Speaker 1: I'm never in the mood.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I still have to make it happen, like a lot of women's bodies and some men are not in the mood ever.
• 8:57
  Speaker 1: That's what foreplay comes from, like I Don't know.
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: I'm just reading through these.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: I got rejected every week not anymore, thanks to communication.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Now it's hot.
• 9:06
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, we got a good answer.
• 9:08
  Speaker 1: I Got not wanting to try anymore.
• 9:14
  Speaker 1: Then I found your podcast and it changed our marriage.
• 9:16
  Speaker 1: Oh yeah, I like that answer.
• 9:18
  Speaker 2: I like that one.
• 9:18
  Speaker 1: That's a great one.
• 9:19
  Speaker 1: Almost every time I initiate, 99.9% of the time I just it goes on and on, it goes on and on.
• 9:29
  Speaker 1: So and I asked are you wanting, are you to a point of not even wanting to try anymore?
• 9:36
  Speaker 1: 70% said yes At a hundreds of responses.
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: So there's.
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: And this poll only has been going for a few hours and we decided to record but this poll.
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: The other ones got all the way through, but thousands of people have seen this poll and 70% yeah, that's correct 70% is really high.
• 10:00
  Speaker 1: But they're just kind of to a point where they don't want to try anymore, like how sad is that.
• 10:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's just kind of given up.
• 10:05
  Speaker 2: Well, like we've talked about before, I think for a lot of people the rejection hurts so much that they would rather not even try, because that's less hurtful than constantly getting rejected For sure.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: So, and that's what we're seeing in the poll results.
• 10:21
  Speaker 1: But it still hurts like a dagger, right?
• 10:23
  Speaker 1: Oh, absolutely, it still hurts like a dagger.
• 10:25
  Speaker 1: And let's ask so we asked this on a scale one to 10, how bad does it hurt to get sexually rejected in your marriage?
• 10:34
  Speaker 1: 7% said one to three, 11% said four to five, 27% said six to eight and 55% of all the couples few thousand that got rejected nine to ten.
• 10:48
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: That is high.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: So most people are saying that it hurts extremely bad.
• 10:53
  Speaker 1: Extremely bad.
• 10:55
  Speaker 2: To be rejected.
• 10:56
  Speaker 1: And we asked them is it just the rejection that hurts or is it how you're rejected?
• 11:02
  Speaker 1: So let's jump into that one real quick.
• 11:05
  Speaker 1: So just the rejection or how your spouse is rejecting you?
• 11:09
  Speaker 1: And this one, I would say, is about 50-50 on that answer.
• 11:13
  Speaker 1: I'll just read a few of the answers.
• 11:16
  Speaker 1: Rejection alone it cuts to my soul, makes me feel like my needs don't matter.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: Everything about it hurts.
• 11:22
  Speaker 1: It's both.
• 11:23
  Speaker 1: It hurts me so deeply I'm so easy to reject.
• 11:25
  Speaker 1: I am ready to give up on intimacy, both how the rejection happens.
• 11:31
  Speaker 1: When there's no explanation, it hurts even worse.
• 11:33
  Speaker 1: It doesn't hurt, it's disappointed.
• 11:35
  Speaker 1: If you're in the mood, it becomes a pattern.
• 11:37
  Speaker 1: Both.
• 11:39
  Speaker 1: Both when anything else is more important, it hurts and is wrongly aligned.
• 11:45
  Speaker 1: Just a rejection.
• 11:46
  Speaker 1: Getting rejected 99 or 100 times wears you down.
• 11:49
  Speaker 1: It's the rejection, because my love language is visible.
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: Touch Rejection.
• 11:56
  Speaker 1: Every day there is a new excuse.
• 11:58
  Speaker 1: It's the feeling of being unwanted and misunderstood as to why we want intimacy.
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: It's both the rejection itself and sometimes the harsh way.
• 12:08
  Speaker 1: Rejection is so hurtful that how it goes down can absolutely create a very broken heart.
• 12:13
  Speaker 1: I mean Nick's sitting next to me.
• 12:16
  Speaker 1: I could just keep scrolling and scrolling.
• 12:17
  Speaker 1: It's just probably hundreds of answers.
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: This is so sad and I'm reading through these really quick.
• 12:24
  Speaker 1: I don't think any of them are positive at all, which it was a negative question but I would say it's 50, 50% that the spouses feel like it doesn't really matter.
• 12:39
  Speaker 1: It's just the flat out rejection that hurts.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: It doesn't matter how Maybe how could help a little bit, but it's just flat out hurts.
• 12:48
  Speaker 2: So I want to go back to one of the answers you read and it was the only one that was a positive that said, once we started communicating about it, it's gotten way better.
• 12:56
  Speaker 2: And that goes in just again talking about how important it is to share your feelings and communicate with each other and find out why the one spouse doesn't want to be intimate, and discussing those reasons and trying to find a solution.
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: Because if you don't know the reasons, there's no way in the world you're ever going to resolve it.
• 13:19
  Speaker 2: But if you can understand or find out the reasons and the reasons could be many maybe you're getting rejected because they feel inadequate, or maybe they don't feel confident or pretty or whatever.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: It could be lack of respect.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: I feel rejected emotionally.
• 13:42
  Speaker 1: You're not giving me the emotional connection and intimacy that I need first.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Yeah, absolutely.
• 13:48
  Speaker 1: That's going to cause that.
• 13:49
  Speaker 1: It could be one of the barriers that we talk about all the time, like, well, you pick your phone over me, well, you do this.
• 13:55
  Speaker 1: You don't talk to me kindly, you yell, you get upset.
• 14:00
  Speaker 1: There's lots of things that can cause you to want to reject.
• 14:05
  Speaker 1: Right, and that's what you're saying is.
• 14:06
  Speaker 1: It comes down to communication.
• 14:08
  Speaker 1: What is that barrier?
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: So it's so important and it's a hard thing to do.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: But it is amazing and I've said this a bunch of times on previous episodes but so many people reach out to us and say what do I do?
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: My wife doesn't want to make love to me, or my husband doesn't want to make love to me.
• 14:28
  Speaker 2: The very first thing we ask is well, have you talked to him about it?
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: Well, no, I haven't.
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: I'm too nervous.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: Well, they get upset when I bring it up.
• 14:35
  Speaker 1: Yeah Well let him get upset Like you're going to rip that band off and have that talk right.
• 14:41
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but so many of them are like scared and they're like no, I haven't talked to him about it and I would say like nine out of 10 people.
• 14:49
  Speaker 2: So it shows that people are not communicating and they're just allowing assumptions to happen.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: They aren't getting to the root problem as to why that's happening, and it's so important to sit down and talk about it which we'll talk about a little bit.
• 15:05
  Speaker 1: It's really hard to do, especially when you're feeling deeply hurt and you're at a point where you're just like I just can't even go there anymore, right, but you can't turn it around if you're not willing to go there, right, absolutely.
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: But is this podcast is more of like healthy ways to reject your spouse sexually?
• 15:25
  Speaker 2: Look, it's not.
• 15:26
  Speaker 2: Sex isn't one of those things where every time you want it, it's going to happen.
• 15:31
  Speaker 1: No.
• 15:33
  Speaker 2: It's like the other spouse is tired, or you don't have time, or they aren't feeling good, or whatever reason right?
• 15:40
  Speaker 1: The problem is, and that's not the problem.
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: The problem is is the one it constantly turns into that and those become just excuses.
• 15:48
  Speaker 1: There's legit excuses and then there's I'm being lazy tonight, I'm gonna come up with an excuse right, that's what we're talking about.
• 15:56
  Speaker 1: Before we jump into the healthy ways to navigate this, I asked one last question Do you feel like you reject too often?
• 16:05
  Speaker 1: Lower drive spouses?
• 16:07
  Speaker 1: So this question is to the lower drive spouse Do you feel like you reject too often?
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: And I was pretty shocked that 53% Said yes.
• 16:18
  Speaker 1: They were willing to admit that they reject too often.
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: Wow, that's which.
• 16:23
  Speaker 2: That's, that's pretty good.
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: They're amazing that they're admitting it, right.
• 16:28
  Speaker 1: And admitting it is a first step to be you know, maybe I do reject too much, maybe this is affecting my spouse, maybe we need to go have this conversation and I need to look in myself and figure out why I'm doing this or what's causing me to Be full of excuses.
• 16:43
  Speaker 1: Right, and then we asked last question how can your spouse do better job at rejecting when not in the mood?
• 16:52
  Speaker 1: And this is gonna go hand-in-hand with what we're about to get.
• 16:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, let's hear what the audience members say.
• 16:57
  Speaker 1: Okay so.
• 16:58
  Speaker 1: So Promise to catch up later and actually keep that promise, make that promise a reality.
• 17:06
  Speaker 1: And I think a lot of husbands have expressed to us, like if she says you know, I'm not in the mood, I I'm not willing to get in the mood is more or less how she should put it.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: But I'm not in the mood tonight, it's just not the night and then Turn into a positive approach to be like can we make love tomorrow Can we make love.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Tomorrow night.
• 17:23
  Speaker 2: I I promise that I will Spend the time getting in my myself and every single husband out there is gonna spend the next 24 hours Thinking yeah, that's awesome and they're gonna look forward to the next 24 hours.
• 17:38
  Speaker 1: Husband doesn't.
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: Most husbands, most loving, good husbands, are not gonna be like you're rejecting me.
• 17:43
  Speaker 1: They're gonna be like that's great.
• 17:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I'll take it, you know.
• 17:45
  Speaker 2: I'll take it, then they'll look for life.
• 17:47
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly yeah.
• 17:49
  Speaker 1: The next answer was suggest Suggesting better day and time.
• 17:54
  Speaker 1: So, instead of being like no, not tonight, coming up with the solution like you know how?
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: about tomorrow night?
• 18:01
  Speaker 2: Or?
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: you know what the next couple nights?
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: I just know I'm gonna be super exhausted, like I really want to enjoy it with you.
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: How about after date night on Friday?
• 18:08
  Speaker 1: That would that.
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: Gives that the higher-drive spouse a Time that he knows that you're gonna prioritize that exactly, exactly.
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: Say I'm not really in the mood, but if you want to get me there, I'm willing to try, and that is usually our case.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, exactly that can change your entire marriage.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: And of course we're talking about healthy amounts of sexual intimacy.
• 18:36
  Speaker 1: We're not.
• 18:37
  Speaker 1: Of course you're gonna reject it.
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: It's like Someone's trying to have it every day or twice a day, or like there's gotta be healthy.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: Yeah amounts right or there's going to be more rejection, like you got to talk about that there.
• 18:50
  Speaker 1: What is healthy for our relationship?
• 18:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah another response we got was assuring and opting for other ways to compromise, to make it up in a timely matter, and I like the answer timely manner Because you can't be like you know what not tonight, babe, but maybe like in two weeks.
• 19:07
  Speaker 1: Yeah, like that's not, that's not gonna work.
• 19:10
  Speaker 2: That's not gonna work.
• 19:11
  Speaker 1: Like you gotta like do the next day or the next couple days, like there's gotta be like a timely manner, um, schedule it right then and follow through.
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: So it's kind of the same answer, whatever that schedule looks like for you.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: And this answer said hugging, hug them and say I know it's been a while, I'm really tired or feelings Be, I understand how hard it is for you.
• 19:36
  Speaker 1: I'm trying to read this one, um, I Guess just I like that one because it's talking about like physically Embrace your spouse, like I'm here for you, I physically in here for you, I love you.
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: This isn't the time I Understand that it's gonna be.
• 19:54
  Speaker 1: You know, I don't know I understand why it's important to you.
• 19:56
  Speaker 1: I think it's more that embrace right, still, cuddle and give reassurance.
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: Let's see, be open in front about it and not reject once things start flowing.
• 20:08
  Speaker 1: So this is the one I think a lot of husbands or wives get frustrated with is, if their spouse is okay tomorrow night, let's do it tomorrow night, and then you put them off until tomorrow and then you do it again.
• 20:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, for sure like, if you're gonna deny and reject in a healthy way, you got to kind of keep your.
• 20:28
  Speaker 1: Keep it not even a promise, but keep your commitment.
• 20:33
  Speaker 1: This one is said talk earlier in the day or night that things just aren't feeling right now, but talk about it like you said and just having that discussion instead of assuming that some you just not even knowing, right yeah exactly say oh hey, I get it, you don't feel in the mood?
• 20:51
  Speaker 2: Is there something I can do to get you in the mood?
• 20:53
  Speaker 2: Is there something you know I can do?
• 20:56
  Speaker 2: Or but having having those discussions as well too, as to, if it's a Constant rejection and it's happening all the time, having that discussion, you know why.
• 21:06
  Speaker 2: Why do you keep rejecting me?
• 21:07
  Speaker 2: This is a way for us to connect and show our love for each other, and this is the way I feel loved.
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: Why, why do you keep rejecting me?
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: You know, was there something deeper?
• 21:16
  Speaker 2: And opening that discussion?
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: and should we talk about it?
• 21:20
  Speaker 1: And trying to figure out.
• 21:21
  Speaker 2: You know what the issue is absolutely Like this.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: What a great exam.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Like a great timing to have that discussion.
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: Like there's something deeper going on if this is constantly happening.
• 21:32
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: Another answer was make an effort.
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: My wife has incredibly low sex drive.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: It always comes down to being positive about sex, like sexual intimacy.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: Right Like you have to be willing to make an effort.
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: If it's important to your spouse, it should be important to you.
• 21:52
  Speaker 2: Well, I think too, like even some, even something in our relationship, like Amy loves back rubbs, and so for us it's like, hey, babe, I'd love to give you a back rub tonight and and doing something that they really enjoy, and and you know, almost like a I don't want to say a compromise, but almost like hey, let me do something really nice for you as well.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Oh, so I'm down for that if the relationship is healthy.
• 22:20
  Speaker 1: So for us, nick will come to me like.
• 22:22
  Speaker 1: I know it looks like you had a really long day, but I'd love to be intimate with you.
• 22:26
  Speaker 1: Is there something I can do for you?
• 22:28
  Speaker 1: Like yeah sure I would love a 20-minute back rub like that's great, like I can make time for you.
• 22:34
  Speaker 1: I liked this one.
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: It says giving a compliment, acknowledging it's been a while and be the first one to initiate next.
• 22:44
  Speaker 1: And this is a great idea to like.
• 22:48
  Speaker 1: If I was gonna tell Nick late, not tonight, not tonight, and just ending it there, instead being like, okay, I, I let's try in the next day or two, but I'm gonna put on me to be the one to initiate next, even if I'm not giving an exact time.
• 23:06
  Speaker 1: Be like, I will initiate in the next two days.
• 23:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I was the one that denied so.
• 23:11
  Speaker 1: So I will initiate in the next two days.
• 23:13
  Speaker 1: That's a great way to make it work.
• 23:14
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I like that.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Let's see.
• 23:17
  Speaker 1: Another one says hey, babe, I'm not feeling it tonight, but I'll more than make it up to you tomorrow, I promise Most.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: Once again, if you're gonna make a promise, you gotta keep a promise, and most spouses.
• 23:28
  Speaker 2: if they heard that, hey, I'm really not up to it tonight, but I'd love to do it tomorrow, most spouses are gonna be like awesome.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: Well for us.
• 23:35
  Speaker 1: If I'm literally not feeling well and I'm like I just I can't tonight, I'm sorry, maybe we try tomorrow, like, instead of just being no, like you, it doesn't even bother you, you're like yeah, tomorrow's great.
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 23:51
  Speaker 1: Tomorrow's great I can go another day.
• 23:53
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 23:54
  Speaker 1: Right as long as I say.
• 23:56
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 23:57
  Speaker 1: Say that it's gonna happen.
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: Ben answer said emotional connection first, Of course, Absolutely 100% agree.
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: But let's talk about that a little bit, and we've talked about it in so many other podcasts, Like we.
• 24:12
  Speaker 1: Can't be too much I know we did the podcast.
• 24:15
  Speaker 2: are these toxic games we play in your marriage where a wife's denying or withholding the sexual intimacy, so a husband and the roles can be switched sometimes, but then they pull back and don't want to give the emotional intimacy, and so at some point something has got to give.
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: So it can't just be that, oh, my emotional needs are not being met and until you meet them, we're just, we're not gonna be intimate.
• 24:41
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 24:41
  Speaker 2: Like sometimes, like we've talked about, the sexual intimacy can help the emotional intimacy as well.
• 24:48
  Speaker 2: So you've got to be willing to have a little bit of give and take there.
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: And that's where the healthy boundary that we just talked about with, like what really is expected in emotional intimacy.
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: Is it the podcast right before this?
• 24:58
  Speaker 1: I think yeah, it might be.
• 25:03
  Speaker 1: Or, yeah, the one, two, two podcasts ago Talking about the prerequisites to sexual intimacy.
• 25:10
  Speaker 1: Go back and listen to that one if you haven't already, because, like you just said, sexual intimacy needs to be prioritized too and sometimes that can jumpstart the emotional intimacy, just finding that healthy balance.
• 25:20
  Speaker 1: I wanted to point out from a comment Someone said she's never in the mood.
• 25:26
  Speaker 1: I'm not gonna say the next line that he said, but my wife is just a starfish, hurry up and get it over with.
• 25:34
  Speaker 1: The only reason I share that one is because I think that for most husbands they would rather you reject them and give them another date than just be like, fine, let's just hurry and get it over with.
• 25:45
  Speaker 1: That's not what a husband wants.
• 25:47
  Speaker 2: That's not what a husband wants.
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: That's not even healthy at all, Like your husband just wants you to lay there and get it over with or wife, whatever it's about connecting.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: If you're not willing that night to actually emotionally connect sexually, then they would rather you pick another night where you're willing to be intimate.
• 26:07
  Speaker 1: Being intimate is a whole different situation, right?
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I can't remember if we did a poll a while ago or not, but I want to say we did, but the majority of husbands do not want to make love to a wife.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: That's just like get it over with.
• 26:20
  Speaker 2: They want their wife to be into them and enjoy it.
• 26:24
  Speaker 2: There's nothing more important to a husband than pleasing his wife sexually.
• 26:29
  Speaker 1: I know we've talked about this, but if it was physical for a man, they would just take care of themselves.
• 26:33
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: That's not what they want.
• 26:36
  Speaker 1: It's not physical.
• 26:37
  Speaker 1: That's why they want to do it with you, because it's emotional and that comes with like positive mindset, like there's a reason why they want to be intimate with you.
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: It's not a physical thing.
• 26:49
  Speaker 2: I'm glad you brought that up, because it is so true and I want to just hit on that even further is yeah, so many women just say, oh, he just wants to have sex with me, it's just about a physical thing.
• 27:00
  Speaker 2: Well, if that were the case, then no husbands would be wanting to be intimate with you all the time, because they would just take care of themselves.
• 27:09
  Speaker 2: If it truly was just a physical need, they would take care of their physical need after you know, while getting rejected, and they would never come to you trying to even engage in sexual intimacy.
• 27:22
  Speaker 2: That just shows you that it's not a physical.
• 27:26
  Speaker 2: It is a physical need, but it's so much more than that, Absolutely.
• 27:30
  Speaker 2: It's a way to connect, it's a way they feel loved, it's a way they feel desired, it's a way A lot of women too.
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: A lot of women too Self-confidence and so many other benefits and aspects of that, so I'm glad that you brought that up.
• 27:45
  Speaker 1: I just think that's really important for a lot of women who are constantly rejecting to realize if it was all physical, if you just my husband just always needs sex.
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: No, he wants sexual intimacy.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: That's a deeper level.
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: That's about connecting with you emotionally, sexually, physically, Like.
• 28:01
  Speaker 1: It's so much more, and when we take our polls, the husbands express this to us hundreds and hundreds of them.
• 28:06
  Speaker 1: It's so much more than just sex.
• 28:08
  Speaker 1: I want to be intimate with my wife.
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: I want to show her I love her.
• 28:11
  Speaker 1: I want her to enjoy it.
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: I want to please her.
• 28:13
  Speaker 1: I want it to be physically amazing for her too.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: I want her to have an orgasm.
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: I want her to feel deeply connected and in love with me, Like I'm willing to do anything to get that.
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: And like when a wife like like honestly steps back and realizes that like oh, it's not just about sex.
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: So much more.
• 28:33
  Speaker 1: I think it can completely change your mindset on how important this really is for the marriage and for both of you.
• 28:39
  Speaker 2: Yeah, and I think just changing your attitude or mindset about how you reject we're not again, we're not saying you can't reject, but just change the way you reject, and I think just this one little thing will be a huge game changer in your marriage as well too.
• 28:56
  Speaker 2: It'll let your spouse, or the higher desire spouse, know that you love them, that you still appreciate them.
• 29:02
  Speaker 2: I think this could really help out a lot.
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: We're going to do a separate podcast on what submission looks like to Christians.
• 29:12
  Speaker 1: It's in the Bible, like be submissive to your husband as your husband submissive to God, like.
• 29:17
  Speaker 1: That's like a whole other podcast in itself, but it's important.
• 29:21
  Speaker 1: I think that's important in a healthy marriage to be submissive, and I don't want to get into that.
• 29:27
  Speaker 1: But sexual intimacy is important.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: That's it.
• 29:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's just super important and your mindset and positivity about it will change everything.
• 29:36
  Speaker 2: Yeah, exactly.
• 29:39
  Speaker 1: So if you have a hard time talking about this, we hope that you'll grab our sexual intimacy communication blueprint in our shop.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: We took all the barriers, all the hard parts of having this conversation, broke them down into things that are keeping you from having amazing sexual intimacy, and gave you questions to ask your spouse in each topic how to ask them, how to talk about it.
• 30:07
  Speaker 1: I think it can really help.
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I agree.
• 30:10
  Speaker 2: So you can check that out at shopultimateintimacycom and we will help you enjoy it.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: We appreciate listening to the podcast and until next time we hope each of you find ultimate intimacy in your relationship.