Latest / Your Extraordinary Life & Dating After Divorce / 207. Client Success Story: Stopping the Numbers Game and Finding Her Perfect Fit with Lee

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207. Client Success Story: Stopping the Numbers Game and Finding Her Perfect Fit with Lee · Your Extraordinary Life & Dating After Divorce

• 0:29
  Speaker 1: Hello everyone, welcome back to the dating after divorce podcast.
• 0:32
  Speaker 1: I have one of my clients here on the call to talk about her experience working with me dating after divorce.
• 0:42
  Speaker 1: Very excited to introduce you to Lee Lee.
• 0:46
  Speaker 1: Welcome to the podcast.
• 0:48
  Speaker 1: Hi Hi.
• 0:49
  Speaker 1: Please call the listeners a little bit about yourself, like what you do, just anything you'd like them to know before we jump in.
• 0:59
  Speaker 2: Sure, I work as a CRNA and I have two kids, two young kids.
• 1:07
  Speaker 2: They are four and seven.
• 1:08
  Speaker 2: I was married for 10 years and have been divorced for about three.
• 1:16
  Speaker 2: Yeah, amazing.
• 1:17
  Speaker 1: What's a CRNA Certified, registered nursing and a scetheologist?
• 1:18
  Speaker 2: I know I had to spell that out because I was a nurse.
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: I tried to say it, I could not say it.
• 1:33
  Speaker 2: Well, they changed it from anesthetist to anesthesiologist, which makes it a little bit easier.
• 1:39
  Speaker 1: Yes, yeah, and I think that actually comes into one of the things that played into the work we did together.
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: And I think I'm probably jumping ahead a little bit, but I recall you had trouble finding people to date who were working and had a similar income level, similar professions.
• 2:04
  Speaker 2: How did being anesthesiologist Anesthesiologist, anesthesiologist Anesthesiologist, anesthesiologist CRNA.
• 2:14
  Speaker 1: And then working kind of like the hours that you worked and being as busy as you.
• 2:18
  Speaker 1: How did that impact your dating journey?
• 2:21
  Speaker 2: Right, so it actually did.
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: So I work, I am in the operating room at 6.30 in the morning.
• 2:29
  Speaker 2: I go to bed really early, usually around 8 or 9 pm, at the latest at 9 o'clock, and I found that actually that did impact the dating.
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: Remember I was dating people that had different kinds of jobs where their idea of, like, staying up late was until midnight.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: They were really put off by an 8 o'clock 9 o'clock bedtime and it definitely affected things.
• 2:57
  Speaker 2: As far as education goes.
• 3:02
  Speaker 2: That actually was that ended up being important to me.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: I tried, I was very open minded.
• 3:09
  Speaker 2: I dated people with all kinds of educational backgrounds high school diplomas up to pediatric protocol.
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: I went out with a couple of times and everything in between and realized that the types of conversations I could have with people and the way that I was able to connect was very much influenced, it seemed, by the educational level that different people had and I felt guilty for caring about that and I felt like I was being judgmental or pretentious when I realized it was important to me.
• 3:49
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and we cleaned that up.
• 3:51
  Speaker 1: Well, we weren't together.
• 3:54
  Speaker 2: Yes, yes, I brought that up with you and you agreed with me that it was very important and that there was nothing wrong with looking for someone that has a similar educational background as yourself.
• 4:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and I think it makes it easier.
• 4:12
  Speaker 1: Then your narrowing things down and your profile could go out to attract just that kind of person.
• 4:18
  Speaker 1: Right, right, absolutely Okay.
• 4:23
  Speaker 1: So I'm going to come back to the beginning.
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: I'm just going to talk to you about your work, so I jumped ahead to that question.
• 4:29
  Speaker 1: So what?
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: You were one of the clients that because we worked for a shorter amount of time typically most of my clients we worked together for six months.
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: You and I worked together for three months and there was a reason that that worked and that was because you were already pretty seasoned at dating.
• 4:47
  Speaker 1: You were already like untapped active dating.
• 4:51
  Speaker 1: You did, I think you said you did it like you're going to like over a hundred dates before oh, at least At least before giving me a call, yeah.
• 5:00
  Speaker 1: So what made you say, hey, I need to change something, I need to add something to my journey to make it work?
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 5:10
  Speaker 2: So I had, I had done a lot of work myself, right I did.
• 5:16
  Speaker 2: After the divorce, I did counseling and therapy, I read books, I joined groups and communities that were getting over the heartbreak of a divorce and then starting to get back out there, and then I listened to podcasts.
• 5:34
  Speaker 2: I waited a little bit of time after the divorce before starting to date, got back out on the dating field and I was very intentional with what I did.
• 5:43
  Speaker 2: But I found that, although I was basically having a pretty good experience out there, I just was having a hard time meeting somebody that seemed to like check all the important boxes that I wanted.
• 5:59
  Speaker 2: So I found your podcast.
• 6:02
  Speaker 2: I listened to it probably for a good couple of months, I think, and I really liked what you had to say and your way of going about tackling the issues, and so I decided that it was.
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: I felt like I was really close, but I decided that it was time to have professional, professional help.
• 6:27
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, amazing.
• 6:28
  Speaker 1: And you were right.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: You really were close, like I was going to be preparing for this podcast, because I went over your journey and what we changed and what we did and it was really like two through two things.
• 6:40
  Speaker 1: Really that was significant that I think we worked on.
• 6:43
  Speaker 1: What was on your swiping?
• 6:45
  Speaker 1: Yeah, let's talk about that.
• 6:50
  Speaker 1: What do you remember?
• 6:53
  Speaker 1: Do you remember what swiping was like before we worked together and then what you changed and how that impacted your results?
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: So I have a feeling I was doing what most people do, right.
• 7:07
  Speaker 2: So the big thing was is that I was looking at these profiles as future long-term committed relationship guy, right, and so I would look at the profiles.
• 7:23
  Speaker 2: I would see something through like innocuous, like I remember one I'm more of a cat person, I'm not really a dog person and they really like dogs.
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: I'm like, well, it'll never work for us because they love dogs and I love cats, so I would just immediately disregard them.
• 7:43
  Speaker 2: And there were other things that were a little bit less humorous than that.
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: But a big thing that I remember you telling me was that look at it as just somebody that you could sit down and have a cup of coffee with.
• 7:58
  Speaker 2: Look for, like, the important things on there.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: Don't get irritated with the fish pictures.
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: You don't have to be the guy that's standing there holding his fish Every male profile seems to have and don't get caught up too much in how they look on their pictures as well.
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: It turns out you know that was another thing that you're glancing really, really quickly at these photographs and a lot of people put in photos of themselves up and, honestly, in real life they look different or they come across differently.
• 8:40
  Speaker 2: You know you can't be charisma or sense of humor or personality or connection in a photograph.
• 8:52
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, that was huge and I think that, if I recall, that made a huge difference in you meeting your boyfriend now, which I guess maybe I should have led with that so that people know why they're listening to this episode.
• 9:02
  Speaker 1: You've been in a committed relationship after working, you know, with me for three months and there was some overlap with when you met him and, you know, moving into an exclusive relationship with him, but you've been in that relationship now for four months.
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: You're happily partnered with him and we'll get into where you guys are a little later.
• 9:22
  Speaker 1: But I remember, you know, after you met him and you're going on all these dates and then gone exclusive, and then I asked you what you thought about his photos and when you swiped on him.
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: Right, so I think I might have just swiped past him perhaps if we hadn't been working together.
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: He is an extremely attractive man, but didn't really pick photos that showed him maybe in his best light, and I remember he was one of the people that said he was a dog person, and I immediately jumped to this conclusion in my head that he probably has three giant dogs at his house, and which is ridiculous.
• 10:18
  Speaker 2: But it's amazing how your brain can do that without you even consciously being aware that you're doing it, and let me see what else.
• 10:29
  Speaker 2: But but we had been working together and talking together and he had a lot of the important things that I was looking for on his profile.
• 10:40
  Speaker 1: Yeah, so.
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: I started to talk to him.
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: Right, yeah, because his photos were.
• 10:44
  Speaker 1: I mean, I remember you because you, you, you were looking for someone pretty attractive, like I remember that was that's.
• 10:49
  Speaker 1: I tend my clients tend to fall into two categories the ones that are like they are flexible, and then the ones who are, like my partner's, going to be hot.
• 10:57
  Speaker 1: I think one of the my partner has to be hot kind of person.
• 11:05
  Speaker 2: Right, I tried so hard, I went on dates with people I had zero attraction to and it just did not work out and I realized it's important to me and that it's okay that it's important to me.
• 11:21
  Speaker 1: Yes, it is okay and it was important to you, and you were also willing to apply the coaching principle of I'll decide how hot they are when I meet them, versus deciding how hot they are from their photos.
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: Right, right, yeah, so you know, I can tell you that I was.
• 11:43
  Speaker 2: When I saw him on that first date in real life, the, the look on both of our faces were just like stars in our eyes, and I remember his face too.
• 11:56
  Speaker 2: He stared at me as though he couldn't believe I was real.
• 11:58
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but yeah, I mean the, the.
• 12:03
  Speaker 2: The difference between looking at, you know, those five or six photographs that were posted online and then seeing him in person in real life, it was, was big.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah.
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: What were the things?
• 12:20
  Speaker 1: Do you remember any other things on his profile?
• 12:22
  Speaker 1: So if we weren't using physical attraction, we weren't looking for people that looked like a movie star in their photos.
• 12:28
  Speaker 1: What were the things on his profile that made him a?
• 12:31
  Speaker 1: Oh yes, I want to know more.
• 12:35
  Speaker 2: So we had worked together on developing a list of my non-negotiables as well as my preferences, and kind of really focused on religion, politics and education as being kind of like a top priority we discussed.
• 12:55
  Speaker 2: You know that it leads to shared values and maybe like a shared outlook at life, or at least it's more likely to, and so for him we had.
• 13:06
  Speaker 2: He had listed the same religious beliefs as me, the same political beliefs as me and he had the same educational level as me.
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, yeah, and you know I'm really into fitness.
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: I could tell by his profile that he was too.
• 13:25
  Speaker 2: So that was good, but those were, I think, the top three things I was.
• 13:31
  Speaker 2: And, oh, he was seeking marriage and I was too.
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: He had that listed.
• 13:38
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and the top three.
• 13:39
  Speaker 1: And for those listening, the top three aren't the same for every person, so these are least top three.
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: But we don't pick the top.
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: Like every client has like their whole list and everything and then depend.
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: But usually what happens is when I talk to a person and I, we did at least an hour just talking about what your person is like and at the end of that hour sometimes for some clients it's like two sessions we dig deep enough that you almost, and you can almost see what that person would be like in real life.
• 14:10
  Speaker 1: I can almost get a sense.
• 14:11
  Speaker 1: And then, based on getting a sense of what the type of man is, that's when we now work backwards to say this is what needs to be on your profile.
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: So it's not like I have a checkbox, like okay, if you have the same political belief and the same religious belief and then the same educational level, then you're going to find the person that you want.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: For some other women it's the things that really drive their desire for what they want in a partner.
• 14:36
  Speaker 1: It could be completely different from those three things, but these are huge things in your life.
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: So it ended up being the drivers and really once you met him, I think when we worked together.
• 14:47
  Speaker 1: Usually once you met someone that you were interested in, you were pretty good at getting the conversations going.
• 14:54
  Speaker 1: Again, you were very practiced with dating, so we skipped over a lot of the what to say.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: I think we had one or two conversations about them, but you were really good.
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you're an extrovert, but you're definitely very social, so it was pretty easy for you to handle all of those in-between parts.
• 15:13
  Speaker 1: And then I think the other part that we had to dig deep into was then making those decisions, was evaluating, and then how do I know I might be too picky, because now, because you met a lot of good guys, they were mostly really good guys, mostly guys who checked a lot of your boxes, but then many of most of them well, I guess all of them, except your boyfriend now were not a fit and I think for the most part, some, if a few people came close.
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: But it was making that decision that it's okay to let this person go.
• 15:51
  Speaker 1: You know you weren't being too picky by saying this wasn't the right person and I'm just going to move on to some to find someone else.
• 16:02
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, I mean I basically had yeah, I basically in general had a great time dating, met a lot of nice guys and yeah, I felt like I was being too picky, because here's this nice guy.
• 16:16
  Speaker 2: We had a nice time.
• 16:19
  Speaker 2: They are pleasant and you know they have their life together and, on the surface, you know they do check a lot of boxes, but and that was the thing, there was always a but, always, and I would be telling you or telling my friends about the state and I'd be like, well, you know he's nice.
• 16:43
  Speaker 2: We had a nice time, he does this for work, he's into this, these are his interests.
• 16:51
  Speaker 2: We talked, we laughed, but and then I'd follow it up with oh gosh, so many things.
• 17:02
  Speaker 1: I remember what was everything checked out, except he was a little boring.
• 17:07
  Speaker 1: You had all of the interest but his energy just didn't match your energy.
• 17:14
  Speaker 1: They just the conversation was just like.
• 17:17
  Speaker 1: He was really interested but the conversation was like flat.
• 17:19
  Speaker 1: I don't know if you remember he was one of the last couple before you met your guy.
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: So I don't remember that one, but I've had, I've met several people that were like that, because I do, I have high energy, I like to laugh, I have a lot of facial expressions and I have gone on dates where somebody has no inflection in their tone of voice.
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: They're nice, but they don't make any facial expressions.
• 17:49
  Speaker 2: I just I have a hard time engaging with them.
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: But again, but it sounds like such a, I feel like I'm being too picky.
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: It sounds like something that is over the top to picky, and so a lot of the problem was is that I was being really hard on judging myself.
• 18:08
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to be too picky, I didn't want to be unkind, I didn't want to come across as pretentious, but I ended up going on dates with people just because I was worried I would sound bad for going after what I actually really wanted.
• 18:26
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah.
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: Yeah, but I mean, I really have to say you did an amazing job of balancing.
• 18:32
  Speaker 1: Like, okay, I'm going to go on a date and really check out this person, but as soon as which is like one of the principles was, as soon as we established that he's not right for you, you're also going to let him know.
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: You're going to let him go.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: Right, right, which is something I hadn't done in the past.
• 18:51
  Speaker 2: I would go on another date, have another boring time and I'd have a hard time letting them go, because they were nice.
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: They were nice guys.
• 19:02
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
• 19:04
  Speaker 1: I know a lot of women are afraid that, like if they, if they give a guy who doesn't look super hard or whatever on his profile a chance that they'll get stuck, that then they go on a date and then they won't be able to say no down the line and then they'll have to marry this ugly, boring person.
• 19:22
  Speaker 1: But the truth is we have to trust ourselves.
• 19:26
  Speaker 1: We have to, like, grow that ability to trust ourselves, to be open enough to let people in and strong enough to let people go.
• 19:34
  Speaker 2: Right and I never.
• 19:36
  Speaker 2: So I never really got stuck too long.
• 19:38
  Speaker 2: I mean I think I might have gone on a second date that I didn't really want to go on, but I really don't have any problem either telling somebody we're not a fit.
• 19:47
  Speaker 2: But I was.
• 19:49
  Speaker 2: I was wasting time, I was given chances, second chances to people that I shouldn't have.
• 19:53
  Speaker 2: You know, a second date just to make sure.
• 19:55
  Speaker 2: And when you work full time and you have kids, you just there's no point.
• 20:01
  Speaker 2: You don't have enough time to do that.
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: If you can tell on date one that you're not interested and you go on a second date because they're nice and maybe things will be different on date two, it's a waste of time and that's something I remember we talked about.
• 20:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and for well for you, because you're a season.
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: There's a little caveat to that.
• 20:20
  Speaker 1: So for women who haven't dated much at all, sometimes the second and third date is useful, not so that the guy will change, but so that they can understand why they don't like them.
• 20:30
  Speaker 1: So sometimes I will push women to be like okay, I know he's not the one for you, but we need a little education here.
• 20:36
  Speaker 1: So you're going to go on that second date, but you were always able to tell me like right away okay, it's because of this.
• 20:42
  Speaker 1: And I'm like oh, okay, you know great.
• 20:45
  Speaker 1: But for some I remember I have a client that I had her go on seven dates with this guy.
• 20:49
  Speaker 1: Oh, wow, because he checked everything, but she knew he wasn't the one.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: And I was like you know, it's going to be really important for you to find out why.
• 20:59
  Speaker 1: Because if you don't know why, what will happen was is on the next, when you meet the next person, you'll start comparing this next person to this other guy, because you don't know why you let him go, and then your mind will be in the past and it just creates this like clutter in your mind.
• 21:16
  Speaker 1: And so I think it was right around the fifth to seventh date she was like I think it's the fact that he's not as healthy and active as I am, so, like this, they went on a wide range of dates and I think on the dates where they were more hiking or doing something more active, he had a hard time keeping up.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: The more you had a hard time keeping up, the lower her interest and attraction for him went.
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: And so once she pinpointed that, I was like yeah, so that means that we need to add that to your criteria.
• 21:42
  Speaker 1: We need to add that you need someone who matches your level of physical energy, who can hike, who can climb, who can do things.
• 21:49
  Speaker 1: Because that's important for her for chemistry.
• 21:51
  Speaker 1: But that's the longest and it was her choice.
• 21:54
  Speaker 1: She could have let him go at any point in time also, but she really wanted to find this out about herself.
• 21:59
  Speaker 1: But it took seven dates for her to pinpoint it because, other than that one thing, that was her guy.
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: Isn't that crazy?
• 22:07
  Speaker 2: That's crazy and I've had that.
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: I've had long-term relationships where there was one thing but I can never feel 100% okay with it.
• 22:20
  Speaker 2: I spent a lot of time questioning it and sometimes that one thing it almost seemed like what does it really matter?
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, people have asked me that question.
• 22:31
  Speaker 1: If a guy is 80% or even 90% of what you want, should you just go exclusive with him?
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: I'm like it depends on which 10% is missing.
• 22:41
  Speaker 1: If he's 90% of what you want and the 10% that's missing is character or his ability to parent your children or something that's a deal breaker, then you can't, even if he meets 90% of everything else.
• 22:57
  Speaker 1: It really depends on what 10% is missing.
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: So for some women, that 10% that's missing is not a big deal.
• 23:05
  Speaker 1: For some other people that 10% is everything.
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: For me, part of my 10% would be someone who didn't read.
• 23:14
  Speaker 1: They are a lot of brilliant, successful, amazing men who don't read.
• 23:18
  Speaker 1: I know some of them, some of my friends' husbands.
• 23:21
  Speaker 1: I have a friend whose husband is a successful business owner.
• 23:24
  Speaker 1: He's a great guy, great dad, great husband.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: He doesn't read books.
• 23:28
  Speaker 1: I remember one day he told me he was like I've read a book since I left college.
• 23:32
  Speaker 1: I was like that's part of my.
• 23:37
  Speaker 1: I don't care if you're everything else, if you don't read.
• 23:40
  Speaker 1: If I can't share that part of my life with the person, it's not going to work.
• 23:43
  Speaker 1: So it really depends on what the 10% is, which is why it's not as simple as telling women that they were being too picky.
• 23:54
  Speaker 2: Right, right, and I remember you shared that with me and I liked it because I could see you going and telling your friends oh, he's perfect, but he doesn't read.
• 24:02
  Speaker 2: And then saying you're too picky, who cares?
• 24:07
  Speaker 2: How does that matter?
• 24:08
  Speaker 2: What is that going to affect everything?
• 24:10
  Speaker 2: But it's important to you and it's okay that it's important to you.
• 24:13
  Speaker 2: And so with me I had the same things, where I was more worried that other people were going to judge me, that it was important to me and tell me that it was over the top.
• 24:22
  Speaker 2: And having permission not permission, but having you affirm that it's okay, that that's important to you, even if everybody else tells you it's stupid and it doesn't matter.
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, amazing.
• 24:38
  Speaker 2: Okay, well, let's get to the good stuff.
• 24:40
  Speaker 1: So let's talk about your journey with your boyfriend.
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: Do you want to just talk a little bit about, like, your first date and how you moved from that first date to where you are now, where you're talking marriage?
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: Sure.
• 24:56
  Speaker 2: So the first date that we had it was it was we had talked on.
• 25:06
  Speaker 2: I met him on Bumble and we had talked on Bumble for several days, when we're having really great conversations Now that we had a ton of stuff in common and I actually asked him out.
• 25:17
  Speaker 2: So I said I feel like we have enough in common to meet in person.
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: How about we get together for drinks, appetizers, something like that?
• 25:27
  Speaker 2: And he agreed, we met and again, in real life it was.
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: It was incredible.
• 25:35
  Speaker 2: That was instant, just about instant chemistry and instant connection, yeah, which I had never really experienced before going on dates, meeting somebody.
• 25:52
  Speaker 2: And we had an amazing first date, pissed on at the end of the first date and just from then on out we just kind of stopped talking to each other and honestly, we both decided very quickly that we weren't interested in dating anybody else.
• 26:18
  Speaker 2: Yes, we were only interested in dating.
• 26:21
  Speaker 2: I'm not that yes, yes.
• 26:28
  Speaker 1: And the reason I say that, listeners, is that when I'm working with my clients, we generally have a ballpark, so every woman will have a ballpark, of like.
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: Okay, I will go exclusive about this time from when I meet someone and Lee broke all the rules with when she went exclusive with her person.
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: Right, right, I did, I did.
• 26:53
  Speaker 2: I broke all the rules, but I was so sure I actually had a second date planned with somebody else, a nice guy, an attractive guy, an educated guy, a guy that actually shared my political, educational, religious beliefs.
• 27:15
  Speaker 2: We had a nice time together, we really did.
• 27:17
  Speaker 2: We talked for hours and I had a second date planned with him and after meeting my current boyfriend, I couldn't even fathom going on a second date with this other guy, couldn't even I was going to.
• 27:36
  Speaker 2: I know you encouraged me to do it and keep my options open, but I was so utterly sure so I canceled that second date.
• 27:47
  Speaker 2: My boyfriend told me very early on that he wanted to pursue me exclusively and that he had made a decision not to date anyone else, but that he did not expect me to make the same decision and that he was not expecting anything.
• 28:04
  Speaker 2: He just wanted me to be aware that that was what he was choosing to do, and actually that was an amazing thing to hear and it gives me the freedom to make the same choice myself with him.
• 28:16
  Speaker 2: And so we did.
• 28:17
  Speaker 2: We became exclusive very quickly, I think after maybe three or four dates.
• 28:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, I think, if I remember correctly, it was like two weeks.
• 28:29
  Speaker 2: Maybe, yeah, maybe four, yeah, maybe four dates.
• 28:35
  Speaker 1: But what's the amazing thing is, I love it when women do things with their eyes open.
• 28:41
  Speaker 1: You are aware that you were taking a risk, correct that it might be too early and that it might not work out, but you were like, okay, eyes wide open.
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: I know this might be too early, but I want to put all my energy here Versus.
• 28:57
  Speaker 1: I think what happens to a lot of other women is they go exclusive too early out of pressure and scarcity.
• 29:05
  Speaker 1: You didn't have any scarcity.
• 29:06
  Speaker 1: You knew you could jump right back into the pool and meet another hundred guys.
• 29:14
  Speaker 2: Right right, there was no scarcity.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: I had a second date lined up.
• 29:17
  Speaker 2: I had other people that I was chatting with.
• 29:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I didn't feel forced to pressure it or it had any sense of scarcity.
• 29:27
  Speaker 2: It was definitely intentional.
• 29:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, and I love that.
• 29:31
  Speaker 1: And again, like within my practice, I'm always there.
• 29:35
  Speaker 1: I'm always like playing devil's advocate, but I'm also like the whole point of after a divorce is to make choice.
• 29:42
  Speaker 1: It's like to create that self-trust, is for my clients To be able to trust yourself.
• 29:48
  Speaker 1: Which is what we didn't do way back in our first, in our early marriages was trust ourselves and trust our instincts.
• 29:54
  Speaker 1: And so I do give my clients, not give you.
• 29:57
  Speaker 1: Have the freedom to make your own choices, but we have guidelines, so we have this loose structure around your journey.
• 30:04
  Speaker 1: You went exclusive early, which was amazing, and it was like, yeah, we'll just circle back if it doesn't work out.
• 30:09
  Speaker 1: And then you went on a trip, which that was amazing.
• 30:14
  Speaker 1: Do you remember?
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: How did that come about?
• 30:17
  Speaker 1: Oh, so, before you talk about it, I think one of the reasons the trip came up was because, when we talked about what do we do now that you're exclusive, how do we change the timeline?
• 30:33
  Speaker 1: And I think what we had decided was that you need to do the work.
• 30:36
  Speaker 1: Since you were exclusive and you had gone exclusive early, you needed to do the work.
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: That, so, let's say, exclusivity was eight weeks for you.
• 30:46
  Speaker 1: I don't remember exactly what we had decided earlier.
• 30:48
  Speaker 1: You needed to accelerate the work of casual dating, which was the bucket you were in.
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: You needed to accelerate all of that stuff that you typically would have done before going exclusive in the exclusivity stage.
• 31:02
  Speaker 1: So we think you went on a trip.
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: You did a couple of blind dates.
• 31:06
  Speaker 1: There were a couple of things that you did pretty early on to like be sure that you had made the right decision.
• 31:12
  Speaker 1: So blind dates, not blind dates, double dates.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: Double dates.
• 31:20
  Speaker 2: Yes, double dates, yes, so, yes, right.
• 31:27
  Speaker 2: So the trip, okay, thanks, bye, bye, sorry, the trip was.
• 31:32
  Speaker 2: I had a trip planned with my best friend and her husband to celebrate our 40th birthdays, to go to Greece, and I had everything booked, paid for, planned and I ended up inviting my boyfriend to come with me after four dates on this trip to Greece, which most a lot of people thought was a little crazy.
• 32:02
  Speaker 2: But first off it felt right.
• 32:07
  Speaker 2: It just felt right.
• 32:08
  Speaker 2: I'm very picky who I travel with and he and I had such an intense connection and we're having such incredible conversations and you can tell somebody's your soulmate quickly.
• 32:20
  Speaker 2: I think that's one thing.
• 32:22
  Speaker 2: You don't have to wonder about it.
• 32:23
  Speaker 2: If you're wondering about it and you're not sure, then they're not.
• 32:26
  Speaker 2: And so you and I talked and actually I thought you were going to be very against it, but you were actually very for it.
• 32:37
  Speaker 2: What's a better way to get to know somebody on an international trip where you are going to be spending?
• 32:44
  Speaker 2: I think it took me 22 hours to get there, 19 hours to get back.
• 32:49
  Speaker 2: My best friend and her husband, everyone's going to meet.
• 32:54
  Speaker 2: There is no pretending.
• 32:56
  Speaker 2: You can't hide if you are traveling with somebody and you're going to be with somebody for a full week nonstop and then you can see how people interact and you'll find out very, very, very quickly if you like this person or not.
• 33:12
  Speaker 2: So that was the trip.
• 33:15
  Speaker 2: And then, yeah, we did.
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: We did a couple of double dates.
• 33:18
  Speaker 2: You encouraged me to ask to meet friends and family, and so I did a double date with the sister and with another one of his friends, plus a double date with my friends, and we discussed that afterwards.
• 33:37
  Speaker 2: It was good.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: Yes, so good, and I love this because these are all the things that I think this is what we all want.
• 33:47
  Speaker 1: This is all what we're dating.
• 33:49
  Speaker 1: This journey is what we all want to get to, except it's like this one or zero.
• 33:56
  Speaker 1: Until you get there, it can feel like you'll never get there.
• 34:03
  Speaker 2: Right, and that is how I had been feeling for most of the dating life.
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: And then when it happens, it's incredible how quickly it happens.
• 34:18
  Speaker 1: Yeah yeah, yeah.
• 34:20
  Speaker 1: How did you introduce your children?
• 34:23
  Speaker 1: Because he has children, you have children.
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 34:27
  Speaker 2: So you and I discussed that.
• 34:29
  Speaker 2: You recommended waiting three months, and that is something I stuck to, and so we have.
• 34:37
  Speaker 2: I have to, he has to.
• 34:39
  Speaker 2: They're the same age, we have the exact same custody schedule, and I ended up throwing together a little Christmas party for a couple of my friends that also have kids and then invited him and his children to come over so that it would be low pressure, very casual.
• 35:03
  Speaker 2: Just watch how the children interact with each other, get to know each other's kids, see each other's kids in a very relaxed environment.
• 35:13
  Speaker 1: Yeah, how did that go?
• 35:17
  Speaker 2: Oh, it went incredible.
• 35:18
  Speaker 2: It went incredible.
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: Yeah, amazing.
• 35:20
  Speaker 2: My, my daughter.
• 35:22
  Speaker 2: Yeah, my daughter and his daughter are extremely similar personality types and became instant best friends, instant.
• 35:33
  Speaker 2: My youngest and his youngest are also very similar.
• 35:39
  Speaker 2: They play well, but they're a little bit more independent.
• 35:43
  Speaker 2: It was, it was love, it for sight, soul, connections for the kids as the same with us.
• 35:50
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, honestly, I love that and I love that you you found someone in a similar life situation as you, because I know that's a worry for a lot of people.
• 36:00
  Speaker 1: Like that will have small kids.
• 36:02
  Speaker 1: Nobody's going to want a woman with small kids or I have teenagers know what is going to want a woman with teenagers or I have.
• 36:09
  Speaker 1: No, you know there's always.
• 36:10
  Speaker 1: We all think that nobody wants the situation that we're in, but you're the perfect example that, like there are people in your similar situation and right, and you'll be a fit.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: Exactly, yeah, I I actually, before him, used to date people that didn't have kids, because I didn't want to deal with it.
• 36:29
  Speaker 2: I don't want to deal with custody schedules, I didn't want to deal with the issues that would come with someone that has teenagers versus myself having small kids and meeting someone that was in the same situation as me Same number of kids, same ages, same custody schedule never even occurred to me.
• 36:49
  Speaker 2: I can find that yeah, yeah.
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: How did you have the conversation about marriage?
• 37:00
  Speaker 2: That's a good one.
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: So he it was first brought up when he asked me on a date pretty soon, I think within the first month of us dating if I would ever get married again, and my response was yes, if I find the right person, how about you?
• 37:22
  Speaker 2: And he said prior to meeting you, my answer was no.
• 37:26
  Speaker 2: Now that I've met you, my answer is yes, I would.
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: Wow, yeah, that's amazing, and I and I think after that because you hadn't told me that detail yet and we had talked about you know, you guys had that conversation and then we talked about the timeline, because I think that's one of there there are a lot of things that sometimes look like they're happening on the surface and then, as a coach, I always want to make sure it's happening like for real or it's happening in a way that matches my client, and we had talked about discussing what that timeline for marriage would look like.
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: And you had, you were, you had to bring that up because Right, um, so Maybe remind me what we said about the timelines.
• 38:20
  Speaker 1: I think Also you had a timeline of a year.
• 38:23
  Speaker 1: You think you had a timeline of a year, but we didn't know what his timeline was.
• 38:28
  Speaker 2: Right, right.
• 38:30
  Speaker 1: So I had asked you to ask him what his timeline was for marriage.
• 38:34
  Speaker 2: Right, so I did.
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: And, um, he and I have had so many conversations since then it's hard for me to remember what he first said.
• 38:46
  Speaker 1: And if you don't remember, that's fine.
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: I remember it was one of the things that Cause those were things that typically I would ask a client to do before going exclusive, so you just show you're on the same page with the person, um, but since you hadn't you know, we kind of made like a short list of things that needed to come up.
• 39:03
  Speaker 1: And if you don't remember us, not a problem.
• 39:05
  Speaker 2: I remember sitting down and having the conversation and being nervous about having the conversation and, um, but at the same time it was something that was bothering me, so I needed to talk about it.
• 39:16
  Speaker 2: I wanted to know what a timeline would be.
• 39:18
  Speaker 2: I'm a little bit type A in some ways and he and I talked about it and I'm pretty sure his response was to throw the question back at me Um, what did I think of as a timeline?
• 39:31
  Speaker 2: Uh, I pulled him, I think I told him about a year for marriage and he said that sounds good.
• 39:40
  Speaker 2: Um, honestly, since then we're I think we're moving it up a little bit.
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: Yes, I know you told me before we started recording, but I'm sure the listeners want to know an update.
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: So he is actually going to be discussing that with my dad this evening.
• 40:04
  Speaker 2: He and my dad.
• 40:05
  Speaker 2: I introduced him Um, my dad lives pretty far away, but they uh and this is not to be clear something I did with most people I dated, but I told my dad I was dating somebody that I think might be.
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: You know, I think he's the one and I introduced him to my dad.
• 40:22
  Speaker 2: They've become extremely good friends and actually spend hours FaceTiming with each other when I'm not around and, um, yeah, my dad's very old fashioned, my boyfriend's very old fashioned as well, and he is going to be talking to my dad about that this evening.
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: He's asking, he's asking for your hand in marriage.
• 40:43
  Speaker 1: Right, how does that feel?
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: How does that feel like to be here, to be in this?
• 40:53
  Speaker 2: It feels extremely surreal.
• 40:55
  Speaker 2: Honestly, it feels extremely surreal.
• 40:58
  Speaker 2: It um, if you had asked me, you know, five months ago that I would meet someone and we'd be talking marriage in four months, I would have said absolutely not, no way, not going to happen.
• 41:15
  Speaker 2: I would that's too fast, that's too soon.
• 41:18
  Speaker 2: Um, I don't think I.
• 41:22
  Speaker 2: I wouldn't have believed it.
• 41:23
  Speaker 2: And if you said that I could meet somebody that had not only every non-negotiable that I was looking for, but out of the 60 preferences listed, has all but two, I also would have said that that's impossible because my preferences were a little ridiculous.
• 41:42
  Speaker 2: Some of them and he has, I think one is a one preference was I like dark hair, dark eyes and who has blonde hair, blue eyes.
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: That is not a geo breaker, it's not important.
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: Um so when I say those are the, that was like one of the two preferences, that doesn't fit, I want to believe it.
• 42:04
  Speaker 2: I honestly would not believe this.
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: Yeah, it's, it's amazing.
• 42:09
  Speaker 1: It is, and could us, for you, for you know, doing the work to, to believe that, like you, could have what you wanted and being willing to take the risks, do the work.
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: I mean you made time in your schedule to go on these dates.
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: Correct yes, yes, it's work, it's work.
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: It is work.
• 42:33
  Speaker 1: Yes, and you did it.
• 42:34
  Speaker 1: You made the space.
• 42:35
  Speaker 1: You, you believed enough in yourself and in your commitment and your desire, in your goals and in your dream to go on the, to go on that journey.
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: Make time for it.
• 42:44
  Speaker 1: Do the things.
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: Make the adjustments that were required to hold your standards where they needed to be.
• 42:51
  Speaker 1: So meet the person who was perfect, not just for you, but also for your children.
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: Right, right and um.
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: I'm so happy I did.
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: I three years, over a hundred dates and um, here we go.
• 43:11
  Speaker 1: Yeah, congratulations, congratulations, thank you.
• 43:14
  Speaker 1: All right, so I'm just going to give you a couple of minutes to just give the listeners.
• 43:19
  Speaker 1: Most of the listeners are women, people socialized as women who are also divorced and dating, looking for their own person.
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: What advice do you have?
• 43:29
  Speaker 2: Thank you, so I think a big thing is to look at dating as being fun.
• 43:37
  Speaker 2: If you see it as a chore or as work or there is something horrible and not enjoyable, you're just not going to do it.
• 43:46
  Speaker 2: I decided very early on to go into dating with a positive attitude and I think that had a huge effect on the fact that generally I had a positive experience, even the people who didn't work out before I met my current boyfriend.
• 44:02
  Speaker 2: I enjoyed myself and I looked at it as a time to get to know another human being, to learn something about somebody's story and maybe to learn something new that you didn't know by talking to somebody and to spend a nice, fun night out.
• 44:16
  Speaker 2: Same if you were meeting up with a friend or something.
• 44:19
  Speaker 2: I think that would be a big one is not to be negative, not to be scared and to remain open throughout all the dating journey, to not be defensive, to not give up, to not carry the baggage from whatever dates that work out and to be happy for them.
• 44:46
  Speaker 1: Yeah.
• 44:49
  Speaker 2: What else?
• 44:50
  Speaker 2: Yeah, yeah, and that's some interesting people.
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: I really did.
• 44:55
  Speaker 2: Honestly, I even you know I've made some friends.
• 44:58
  Speaker 2: Some of the people who didn't work out stayed friends with me for a couple of years, still chat with them, so you know it was.
• 45:06
  Speaker 2: That part was great.
• 45:08
  Speaker 2: And I think the other thing would be would for advice would be to really actually sit down and write out what is non-negotiable for you and versus your preferences, to go over with somebody that you trust, so that you know you're not your non-negotiables and not just preferences, so that when you meet a nice guy who seems to have all the things you want, you have something to refer back to and to look at.
• 45:39
  Speaker 2: And then also to give yourself permission that was a big one with me is, as you said, with giving yourself permission for books to be really important for you, for me to give myself permission for educational levels to be important for us to have a good relationship, us having shared values, because I tried dating people from different religious and political backgrounds and being as open as I could and I just realized that you just don't have the shared values that you're looking for in many cases that way.
• 46:15
  Speaker 2: So giving yourself permission to actually like, really accept the things that you find important to you, whether or not your girlfriends or your parents or your coworkers think it's important.
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: Yeah, amazing.
• 46:30
  Speaker 1: All right, the last question.
• 46:32
  Speaker 1: Actually, it's two questions in one your favorite part about working with me, your least favorite part about working with me.
• 46:46
  Speaker 2: So my favorite part about working with you was having somebody to go through this with.
• 46:52
  Speaker 2: Like you and I sat down and went.
• 46:54
  Speaker 2: I think we spent two or three sessions probably at least two going through whoever's saying yes to and who I was saying no to and why, and discussing it in depth, and that made the biggest difference.
• 47:13
  Speaker 2: You told me to click yes to anyone that was a six or above and that had listed a couple of the major things.
• 47:23
  Speaker 2: That was looking for a long term, committed relationship and have some shared beliefs.
• 47:27
  Speaker 2: As me, say yes, go on a coffee date.
• 47:30
  Speaker 2: I don't have to think of them as like future husband and all I have to do is think about them as someone to have coffee with, and that was really helpful.
• 47:38
  Speaker 2: So that was one of my favorite things Least favorite things I was.
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: I was very I remember being very nervous about telling you he and I had gone exclusive so fast, which was strictly against your advice, very strictly against your advice.
• 47:54
  Speaker 2: I remember I felt like I was a kid that was confessing something to my mom.
• 47:58
  Speaker 2: I broke the rule.
• 48:02
  Speaker 1: Oh, I'm so glad you told me.
• 48:07
  Speaker 2: But I but I told you and you know it was fine.
• 48:10
  Speaker 2: You weren't exactly upset by it and I wasn't the first client to do that and in fact you encouraged it and brought up some now that we're exclusive, let's meet the families, let's talk about this, let's talk about that, let's meet the kids, maybe sooner than we would have if we hadn't been, and all that was really really helpful.
• 48:34
  Speaker 1: Yeah, yeah, I'm so happy for you.
• 48:35
  Speaker 1: You and seeing you happy, seeing your kids happy, knowing that you are, you know you've achieved this dream.
• 48:44
  Speaker 1: This is why I do what I do.
• 48:45
  Speaker 1: This is what makes me happy, like I sometimes like little text messages that my clients have sent me when they met someone or when they've gone exclusive, or little things like that.
• 48:55
  Speaker 1: I'll scroll through them and be like yes, you know, just to remind myself that, like, this work is important and this podcast is important.
• 49:05
  Speaker 1: Yes, because sometimes I'm so far down the line I mean, I will celebrate six years meeting my husband in a couple of months so sometimes I forget what it was like not having him in my life, being single, being alone.
• 49:22
  Speaker 1: So stories like yours continue to inspire me and remind me.
• 49:26
  Speaker 1: You know what I do and I encourage them to the listeners because they are, they're coming up behind you, thank you.
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: Thank you for sharing.
• 49:36
  Speaker 2: Yes, and thank you so much.
• 49:39
  Speaker 1: Absolutely All right.
• 49:40
  Speaker 1: Well, I look forward to hearing your future updates.
• 49:45
  Speaker 1: I know you will be working with another coach on your pre marital coaching communication things, so I'm excited to hear how that goes and when you guys set a date all of that.
• 50:00
  Speaker 1: I love hearing all those updates.
• 50:01
  Speaker 1: I look forward to hearing about that from you.
• 50:04
  Speaker 1: Thank you for being here today.
• 50:06
  Speaker 1: Well, thanks for having me.
• 50:09
  Speaker 1: Absolutely All right listeners.
• 50:11
  Speaker 1: We want to thank you for spending this time with us today.
• 50:14
  Speaker 1: If Lee's story has inspired you, we want to hear from you.
• 50:19
  Speaker 1: Send her some congratulations.
• 50:21
  Speaker 1: If you follow me on socials, send her congratulations when we put this out there, or just hit send an email and I will pass on your congratulations.
• 50:31
  Speaker 1: I'm kind of keeping this confidential.
• 50:33
  Speaker 1: I know a lot of my clients who are not entrepreneurs or coaches prefer to keep their stories private, which I totally understand.
• 50:39
  Speaker 1: I'm not going to keep this one private, but I will pass on any thoughts that you have for her.
• 50:44
  Speaker 1: So thanks for your time and attention and we will see you next time.