Latest / Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families / The Kindness Paradox That Changes Your Child’s Mental Health

Transcript

The Kindness Paradox That Changes Your Child’s Mental Health · Dr Justin Coulson's Happy Families

0:05
Speaker 1: Hello, Welcome to the Happy Family Podcast. Here's a question,
0:09
Speaker 1: when you're feeling anxious, when you're feeling down, when you're
0:11
Speaker 1: feeling alone, which we all do sometimes, what do most
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Speaker 1: of us do? Research seems to indicate that we turn inwards.
0:20
Speaker 1: We try to take care of ourselves, maybe along bath
0:23
Speaker 1: if we're so lucky to have the luxury some chocky
0:26
Speaker 1: and Netflix binge. A bit of retail therapy culture tells
0:30
Speaker 1: us you need self care, you need to put yourself first,
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Speaker 1: you need to treat yourself. And I am not against
0:35
Speaker 1: any of those things. Sometimes they can feel really good,
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Speaker 1: but there's fascinating research that suggests that we might be
0:41
Speaker 1: getting this backwards. Today on the Happy Families Podcast, a
0:44
Speaker 1: doctor's Desk episode that highlights some brand new research suggesting
0:50
Speaker 1: something called the kindness paradox. While helping others helps you
0:56
Speaker 1: more that next stay with us. Hello and welcome to
1:02
Speaker 1: the Happy Families podcast, where you get real parenting solutions
1:04
Speaker 1: every single day. This is Australia's most downloaded parenting podcast. Today.
1:10
Speaker 1: We are going to be upfront about it. It's about
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Speaker 1: kindness and how to teach your kids kindness. We often
1:16
Speaker 1: around the dinner table instead of talking about what you're
1:18
Speaker 1: grateful for or what made you happy today, we talk
1:21
Speaker 1: about who you were kind to or who was kind
1:24
Speaker 1: to you, and we find that it promotes some pretty
1:27
Speaker 1: interesting conversations today. A study published in the journal Emotion
1:31
Speaker 1: just in the last couple of months that took seven
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Speaker 1: hundred and seventy seven people during the COVID nineteen pandemic,
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Speaker 1: a time where there was a whole lot of depression
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Speaker 1: and anxiety and loneliness right up high, and split them
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Speaker 1: into three groups to have a look at how we
1:45
Speaker 1: could play around with kindness, happiness, wellbeing, and mental health challenges.
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Speaker 2: So I give you a really hard time about all
1:54
Speaker 2: the research, and you do this is some research I
1:57
Speaker 2: could really back up. I can get behind this one.
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Speaker 1: Why is that? Is it because it resonates with your
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Speaker 1: life or because it's just so practical that it doesn't
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Speaker 1: feel like it's theory. It actually just feels like real life.
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Speaker 2: No, Because I've had so many experiences been on the
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Speaker 2: receiving end of other people's kindness, been the one giving kindness,
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Speaker 2: and I've had some really powerful shifts in my mental
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Speaker 2: health as a result of choosing kindness for others Over
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Speaker 2: kindness for myself over the years I've seen at work.
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Speaker 1: So let's not bury the lead. Let's just go straight
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Speaker 1: to the punchline. The upshot of what this study was
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Speaker 1: three groups, Like I said, seven hundred and seventy seven people.
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Speaker 1: Group one, do three acts of kindness for other people
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Speaker 1: each week. Group two, do three acts of kindness for
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Speaker 1: yourself each week. Group three, they're the control group. Just
2:55
Speaker 1: go about your life, how boring. The control groups never
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Speaker 1: the exciting group, and they were measured on depression, anxiety,
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Speaker 1: and loneliness at basedline and then two weeks later.
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Speaker 2: I can assume, based on my own personal experience, what
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Speaker 2: they found. But what came out of the study.
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Speaker 1: What came out of the study was exactly what you
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Speaker 1: would expect based on your own personal experience. The research
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Speaker 1: has found that the people who did acts of kindness
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Speaker 1: for others saw significant decreases in all three depression down,
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Speaker 1: anxiety down, loneliness down. Let me say that again. Look
3:23
Speaker 1: after other people and your depressive symptoms, your anxiety symptoms,
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Speaker 1: and your loneliness all drop. People who did the acts
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Speaker 1: of kindness for themselves, Depression dropped, but anxiety and loneliness stayed.
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Speaker 1: The same. I think that's an interesting finding. We'll come
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Speaker 1: back to that in a sec people who were the
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Speaker 1: control group, nothing changed. Everything was the same as you
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Speaker 1: would expect, but worth highlighting this. Helping others reduced anxiety
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Speaker 1: and loneliness and depression. Helping yourself didn't accept for depression.
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Speaker 1: So today a conversation about why this matters not just
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Speaker 1: for us, but also for our kids.
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Speaker 2: I'm going back a number of years now, but I
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Speaker 2: remember a time where one of my friends just totally
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Speaker 2: disappeared off the social planet, like just she was not there.
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Speaker 2: And I finally reached out to her and I said,
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Speaker 2: what's going on? And she said, I'm just in a
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Speaker 2: funk and I just I don't know what to.
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Speaker 1: Do, and I don't like people. I don't want to
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Speaker 1: be around them.
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Speaker 2: Yeah, And we had a little chat about that, and
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Speaker 2: I kind of, you know, we brainstored some ideas and
4:26
Speaker 2: finally I said to her, why don't we do some
4:29
Speaker 2: secret drop offs to people in our community? And she
4:33
Speaker 2: was like okay, and she said what are you thinking?
4:35
Speaker 2: And I'm like, well, I think we need to pick
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Speaker 2: a theme, and I think I think let's let's color
4:40
Speaker 2: theme it. And she was like okay, Like she.
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Speaker 1: Was like, what are you doing? This is so you,
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Speaker 1: This is so you.
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Speaker 2: So her husband's very first car was a little yellow
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Speaker 2: escort and she said, you'll never guess what my husband
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Speaker 2: just brought. He had found the same kind of car
5:01
Speaker 2: from his late teens and brought it as a little
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Speaker 2: bit of a hobby car. And she said, we've got
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Speaker 2: it sitting in the yard. I'm like, yellow, Let's take
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Speaker 2: the car out and we'll make it a yellow a
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Speaker 2: yellow theme. So we became the Sunshine Bandits.
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Speaker 1: And the great thing is you're in a car that
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Speaker 1: nobody recognizes in the garage.
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Speaker 2: Well, if we were ever trying to be stealthy, being
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Speaker 2: in a yellow escort from the nineteen seventies was not
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Speaker 2: the best choice.
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Speaker 1: But nobody knew that it was.
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Speaker 2: But can I tell you over the next handful of months,
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Speaker 2: the joy that we experienced as we reconnected as friends and.
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Speaker 1: Did all the planning and who are we going to
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Speaker 1: knock on the door of and surprise with goodies?
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Speaker 2: We drove into somebody's driveway one night. Her husband's a policeman.
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Speaker 2: The police car showed up. As we were trying to
5:49
Speaker 2: be stealthy in all black looking up her driveway. So
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Speaker 2: we're now hiding in the bushes with two policemen in
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Speaker 2: the driveway, and we had to stay there for about
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Speaker 2: ten minutes.
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Speaker 1: Well, he went in and got his dinner.
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Speaker 2: And came out and left. Another time, we literally we
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Speaker 2: were climbing up the stairs and realized that the front
6:09
Speaker 2: window was open and our friend was literally sitting against
6:14
Speaker 2: the chair at the front window.
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Speaker 1: So now we're.
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Speaker 2: Down on all fours, crawling across her veranda.
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Speaker 1: So you're doing these mystery drops. You're dropping off parcels
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Speaker 1: to everybody. Let me ask you this question about this,
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Speaker 1: and it's so fun even hearing you relive the story.
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Speaker 1: She wasn't feeling great. You've said, let's jump in the
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Speaker 1: little yellow escort and zim around over the next couple
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Speaker 1: of months and.
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Speaker 2: Drop with the really crunchy gears.
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Speaker 1: Will drop things off at people that we love and
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Speaker 1: see if we can bring some sunshine into their lives. Obviously,
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Speaker 1: it felt good.
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Speaker 2: It felt amazing.
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Speaker 1: What would it have been like if you said, Hey,
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Speaker 1: over the next couple of months, let's go out once
6:51
Speaker 1: a week and get lunch, or let's go and get
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Speaker 1: a massage. Would it have had the same impact.
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Speaker 2: So because in essence I was helping her and we
7:00
Speaker 2: were connecting. I think that going out for lunch would
7:03
Speaker 2: have had a similar impact. But I believe the joy
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Speaker 2: of knowing that our little visit was going to bring
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Speaker 2: other people joy is the biggest gift out of that experience.
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Speaker 2: Connecting with people is important, and if we're struggling to
7:22
Speaker 2: do things with other people, having one person that we
7:26
Speaker 2: can catch up with and just share our hearts with
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Speaker 2: that's really important. But the real gift is when we
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Speaker 2: recognize that other people are doing it hard too. We
7:36
Speaker 2: have no idea the burdens that people are carrying, and
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Speaker 2: if we can find ways to just spark a little
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Speaker 2: bit of joy in their lives, it actually makes us
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Speaker 2: feel awesome.
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Speaker 1: Sunshine Bandits, Let's find out why it is that doing
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Speaker 1: kind things to yourself might reduce depression but doesn't address
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Speaker 1: anxiety and loneliness, and why when you're kind to others
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Speaker 1: you feel more connected, you have positive outcomes across the board,
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Speaker 1: and what this means for us as parents. That's next
8:03
Speaker 1: on the Happy Families podcast Doctor's Desk condition stay with us,
8:14
Speaker 1: We're back. This is the Happy Family's podcast. We adjustin
8:16
Speaker 1: and Kylie Colson. If you're enjoying the pod and you
8:18
Speaker 1: get something out of it, please share it with your friends,
8:20
Speaker 1: your neighbors. When you do that, it helps other people
8:23
Speaker 1: to discover the pod, and of course that means we
8:25
Speaker 1: get to make more of an impact in people's lives.
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Speaker 2: For anyone wondering why kindness directed it other people has
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Speaker 2: a bigger impact, what would you share with them? What
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Speaker 2: would you say?
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Speaker 1: So, based on this study, here's what I'm taking from it.
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Speaker 1: When you're kind to yourself, you feel a lot of
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Speaker 1: positive emotion in the moment. That's good. I mean, that's
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Speaker 1: why we're well.
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Speaker 2: There's so much talk about self care and this need
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Speaker 2: to actually make time for yourself, like actually withdraw and
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Speaker 2: connect with yourself, Like that's an important part and.
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Speaker 1: It feels good to spoil yourself. So in that moment,
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Speaker 1: short term, you get a positive emotion that's likely to
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Speaker 1: reduce your feelings of depression, which is good. It doesn't
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Speaker 1: necessarily last, and sometimes while you're in the middle of
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Speaker 1: the massage, all you can think about is all the
9:08
Speaker 1: other things you're supposed to be doing and all the
9:09
Speaker 1: stress you're carrying. But that should usually be okay, But
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Speaker 1: it doesn't address anxiety, and it doesn't address loneliness. When
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Speaker 1: you're kind to others, it increases your connection to those people.
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Speaker 1: The sense of connection is associated with all those good feelings,
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Speaker 1: but it also decreases anxiety and loneliness. It works through
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Speaker 1: totally different pathways. Self kindness makes you feel good. Other
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Speaker 1: kindness makes you feel connected. Yeah.
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Speaker 2: So in my experience, the times where I have done
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Speaker 2: things for myself, I've felt great in the moment, like
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Speaker 2: you've said, but then I've had.
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Speaker 1: To re enter the word come back to the family, whatever.
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Speaker 2: That looks like, whatever the challenges that I'm experiencing, it's
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Speaker 2: still there at the other end, and that luxurious moment
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Speaker 2: in time that was all just mine has all but gone.
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Speaker 2: When I do things for other people, in essence, it's
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Speaker 2: the same. I'm coming back to the real world, but
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Speaker 2: I'm also so much more aware that somebody else's life
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Speaker 2: has changed because I've done something.
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Speaker 1: We have this thing at church where we're supposed to
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Speaker 1: look after other people and the congregation, and we're given
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Speaker 1: like an assignment. I want to justin. I went to
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Speaker 1: look after these three families, just keep an eye on them,
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Speaker 1: check in, make sure that they're okay. And there have
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Speaker 1: been times where I've looked at you and I like,
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Speaker 1: I need to go and just visit these three families,
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Speaker 1: just check in, just say hello, let them know that
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Speaker 1: I'm thinking of them. And more times than not, I'll
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Speaker 1: have a big sigh and say to you, I don't
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Speaker 1: have time for this. I'm just not in the mood
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Speaker 1: for it. I'm tired. There's so many things to do.
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Speaker 1: My family needs me, and it's a really big sacrifice
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Speaker 1: to go and do it. And yet, because I have
10:48
Speaker 1: that sense of duty, but also because I care about
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Speaker 1: the families, you wave me goodbye and off I go
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Speaker 1: and do it. And what's fascinating to me, and I've
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Speaker 1: been thinking about this for about fifteen to twenty years,
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Speaker 1: is every time I go and do it, I come
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Speaker 1: back and feel better about life. I feel better about me,
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Speaker 1: and I come back as a better husband and father.
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Speaker 1: Going out and doing something for other people, creating those
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Speaker 1: connections outside the home actually helps me to come home
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Speaker 1: and appreciate the connections I have inside the home even more.
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Speaker 1: Connection is at the very core of our mental health,
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Speaker 1: it's the very core of our well being. Connection is
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Speaker 1: the very heart of our relationships in our lives and
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Speaker 1: what happens when we help others is our brain kind
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Speaker 1: of goes, I'm valuable to my community, I'm connected. I matter.
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Speaker 1: This psychological phenomenon called mattering that I was reading about
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Speaker 1: twenty years ago when I was doing my undergrad Researchers
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Speaker 1: have found that people who feel like they matter just
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Speaker 1: have better lives full stop, end of story, less lonely,
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Speaker 1: less anxiety, less depression, more well being. So we've only
11:44
Speaker 1: got a minute or so, but we really need to
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Speaker 1: talk about what this means for us as parents. If
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Speaker 1: helping other people matters so much, what are we supposed
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Speaker 1: to do with our kids when it comes to helping
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Speaker 1: because kids don't really like helping that much, or.
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Speaker 2: Do They's crazy thing, though, I think that often when
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Speaker 2: we talk about helping others, we have we conjure up
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Speaker 2: in our head this massive task that needs to be
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Speaker 2: done in order for it to make a difference in
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Speaker 2: somebody's day. The amount of times I've been with my
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Speaker 2: children and one of them has seen somebody walk past
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Speaker 2: and they've really liked their haircut, or they've really liked
12:22
Speaker 2: their dress, and literally have just looked at that person
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Speaker 2: and said oh my gosh, I love that dress. To
12:29
Speaker 2: see that person's face. Like, first of all, it's a.
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Speaker 1: Little bit like some random are some random young person,
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Speaker 1: and what.
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Speaker 2: Do you want it? Often, yeah, there's there's definitely a
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Speaker 2: kind of skeptical beginning, and then when they've realized that
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Speaker 2: they literally are just there to kind of just compliment them,
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Speaker 2: to just see they actually walk away with a bit
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Speaker 2: of a step, like a spring in their step.
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Speaker 1: Of course, feels so good.
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Speaker 2: And that's the idea though, right, It's like it's it
12:56
Speaker 2: can be as simple as that.
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Speaker 1: So if it's not a compliment, and it can be
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Speaker 1: what else would you say would be a really great.
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Speaker 2: It's not honking your horn when somebody does something wrong
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Speaker 2: on the road, like it's giving them the benefit of
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Speaker 2: the doubt. Like honestly, of course, imagine what it's like.
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Speaker 1: I feel you bit targeted the way you said that,
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Speaker 1: the way you looked at me.
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Speaker 2: I wasn't.
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Speaker 1: I I'm trying to stay off the horn. I'm trying
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Speaker 1: to be good. Although I did. I did try to
13:20
Speaker 1: educate somebody about bicycle etiquette the other day when I
13:23
Speaker 1: was writing and they wanted to have a word to me.
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Speaker 2: Well, they did nearly kill as anyway, But it's seeing
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Speaker 2: a short person at the shopping center struggling to get
13:31
Speaker 2: a can off the top shelf and just going and
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Speaker 2: doing it.
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Speaker 1: You can say that because you're almost six foot tall,
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Speaker 1: drives me crazy. Yes, it is. Acts of kindness. So
13:41
Speaker 1: a little cookie drop for the neighbors, thank you note
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Speaker 1: to the teacher. You've talked a number of times this
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Speaker 1: year about just a little coffee voucher for the teacher,
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Speaker 1: just as a thanks, calling a grandparent to say today, writing.
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Speaker 2: A hand written thank you note to somebody.
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Speaker 1: So we're not saying that self kindness is bad. The
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Speaker 1: study showed that it does. Regiuced depression and positive feelings
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Speaker 1: are important and taking.
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Speaker 2: Care of me master such any time.
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Speaker 1: But other kindness, other kindness, especially when you're struggling emotionally,
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Speaker 1: is a well being booster. And that is something that's
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Speaker 1: worth teaching to your kids to help them to be happier.
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Speaker 1: Here's your challenge for the week. Get the kids to
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Speaker 1: work with you on doing something kind of someone, and
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Speaker 1: if it works, do it again and again. Maybe three
14:32
Speaker 1: active kindness, maybe five acts of kindness not for themselves
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Speaker 1: but for other people. And it doesn't have to be
14:39
Speaker 1: big a tip.
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Speaker 2: If it's too hard for them to do that for
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Speaker 2: their siblings, often they're going to actually have a much
14:45
Speaker 2: easier time doing it for someone outside the house.
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Speaker 1: And then at dinner time, instead of saying what made
14:50
Speaker 1: you happy today or what we're grateful for which are
14:52
Speaker 1: great questions, or what you've up to today, just say
14:54
Speaker 1: to them who'd you help today or who helped you
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Speaker 1: and how did that feel? The research shows your kids
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Speaker 1: are going to fee less anxious, les depressed, less lonely.
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Speaker 1: They're going to feel happier because the funny paradox around
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Speaker 1: all of this is the fastest way to feel better
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Speaker 1: about yourself is to help someone else feel better about
15:14
Speaker 1: their life. That's the doctor's desk for today. The Happy
15:17
Speaker 1: Family's podcast is produced by Justin Roland from Bridge Media.
15:19
Speaker 1: Mim Hammonds provides additional support for us on the pod
15:22
Speaker 1: and if you'd like more infer to make your family happier,
15:24
Speaker 1: go and help someone. Don't worry about listening to the
15:26
Speaker 1: pod or visiting the website. Just go and help someone.
15:28
Speaker 1: We'll make a difference. Or visit Happy families dot com
15:30
Speaker 1: dot a