Latest / Three Damned Dudes / Episode 19 - Not for human consumption

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Episode 19 - Not for human consumption · Three Damned Dudes

• 0:12
  The Three Damn Dudes podcast is brought to you by Rifle and
• 0:15
  Ratchet Refinishing. Located in Taylor, MI Rifle and
• 0:18
  Ratchet is a veteran owned and operated shop providing Sarah
• 0:20
  coat and laser engraving services.
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  Whether it's rust, corrosion, wear and tear, scratches, or you
• 0:26
  simply don't like the color, they do everything from factory
• 0:29
  finishes to custom camo. Their goal is to make your dream
• 0:32
  a reality to shoot. But it's not just firearms, it's
• 0:34
  also automotive parts, game controllers, golf clubs, really
• 0:37
  anything you can fit in the oven.
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  Their goal is to make you say wow when it comes out of the
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  case. All right, and welcome to
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  episode 1919. Fucking episodes, boys.
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  I can already tell that this is going to be a weird one because
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  I'm not going to look at the fucking camera at all.
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  I'm just going to look at you guys.
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  Luke, you are ad read. Oh shit, I won't have to stop
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  the. Spot.
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  I won't have to splice it in now, but I still can if you or I
• 1:05
  can just I can fucking do it live.
• 1:07
  I think it's bullshit that we have a freaking we just don't do
• 1:11
  a live anymore. We can't fuck with you.
• 1:13
  Oh my God. Oh, are you going to fuck with
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  me? Are you going to fucking day on
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  this one? I can't.
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  With the I don't have the screen.
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  You want to fuck on me? No, no, no, no.
• 1:21
  No one's trying to fuck on you. Episode 19 Starting out for the
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  Bang, The Three Damn Dudes is brought to you by Rifle and
• 1:29
  Ratchet refinishing. That's me.
• 1:31
  That's him. And fun fact, we we are in Rifle
• 1:36
  and Ratchet refinishing right now.
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  And it's a tight fit with four guys.
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  Yeah, yeah, I think you should probably look at expanding your
• 1:47
  operation or getting rid of all the fucking dudes. 5 for growth.
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  Growth and girth, You need both. If this is wrong, I don't want
• 1:57
  to be right. Located in Taylor, MI, Rifle
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  Ratchet is a veteran owned and operated shop providing Sarah
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  coat and laser engraving services.
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  Whether it's rust, corrosion, wear and tear, you treat your
• 2:09
  guns like shit or you simply don't like the color, they can
• 2:13
  do whatever the fuck you want because this guy is an absolute
• 2:15
  animal with painting things and and making lasers dance on metal
• 2:20
  and other objects and materials and mediums or whatever.
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  I'm not. I'm not the fucking engraver.
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  Don't make that fucking face. I don't know what the fuck I'm
• 2:28
  talking about. Not even I'm.
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  I'm just. He's vibing.
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  I like that this dormant. Can I lean on this?
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  Yeah, you can go in there if you want.
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  To is it the obviously? What is that machine?
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  Honestly, all three of us can fit in this oven.
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  We can fit four of us. We.
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  Can fit three. Damn.
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  Dudes in there. Whoa.
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  Well, we'll get a picture of that when When the night's on
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  its way to an end. What is that?
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  This is another Oh I. Don't want to get an oven?
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  I only said oven five times. But it's not just firearms.
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  It's anything that fits in that oven.
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  If it fits in here, he can do it.
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  It might melt, but he can do it. No, we we can get as low as 80°.
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  Oh really? How long does that?
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  Take seconds if it's 80° outside.
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  How you fucking douche? How long does it take for the
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  coating to fucking cure? So metals are 300° for two
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  hours, plastic is about 140 to 160 for two hours, depending on
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  how robust that plastic is. Like a PMAG 160°, no problem.
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  If we're talking something thinner like an Xbox or a
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  PlayStation controller, I usually put that in around 1:40
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  to 1:50 just because you don't want anything to warp.
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  Makes sense? What about micro plastics?
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  Can you can we put our tanks in there?
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  Certainly. Do you do?
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  Like if your money's good, you can do whatever you want around
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  here. Do you do the lick tests to make
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  sure that the microplastics are present in the tank?
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  That's. Quality control.
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  I have a series of litmus and taste tests to verify that your
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  tank does in fact have a minimum threshold of microplastics.
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  What is it? What's your what's your
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  threshold for? Yes, I will, Sir.
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  Coat your tank. Look, I have about $135 shop
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  minimum for taint services. Yeah, but how much microplastics
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  need to be present in said taint?
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  Look, if the JCAD goes off, I'll do it.
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  Can you do a pattern just like a design more So just like if I
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  wanted to say hypothetically a butterfly on my.
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  You know what, I like where you're going with that?
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  The butterfly effect. Yes, a taint clapping does
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  affect a tornado in Africa. Or even better, you had a
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  Hummingbird and we can make it look like it's getting some
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  little nectar. God, you just want to destroy
• 5:07
  Africa? Hurricanes and tornadoes.
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  So what's the cooking time for human skin?
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  Asking for a. Friend So actually I wouldn't
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  put the skin in the oven. I would do that under the laser.
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  Oh, but what if I wanted hypothetically, a penis
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  seracoated onto my penis? So.
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  Because. OSHA that's a good idea exists.
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  We cannot apply SERACO that's a no no.
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  I wanna it is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
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  Correct, I want to use your laser engraver and make a full
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  penis penis tattoo of my penis only longer.
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  Look what you have to do. What you have to do is go get
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  your penis blacked out an ink and then the laser remover or
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  the laser engraver will act as a remover they call it, which
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  creates A inverse negative of the penis which can act as a
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  form of tattooing by removal, not at.
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  Yeah, I feel like what you just described as tattoo removal.
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  I don't want to renew. Who are you, Mr. Explain
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  everything, The penile. Police.
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  Who are you comrade? The penis escort?
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  The fuck? So yeah.
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  So we're we're at rifle and ratchet refinishing.
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  It's pretty cool to be here go since I mean we did it on the
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  live but that doesn't count. Why don't you?
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  Cuz they're cool as fuck. Why don't you grab your
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  magazines real quick and walk them up to the camera so they
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  can see kind of like one of the things that you've been working?
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  Oh yeah, am I doing my my struts my struts on the aisle now?
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  Yeah, you know why? Because.
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  It's. Because it's not just firearms.
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  It's whatever you can fit in the oven except for taints because
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  of Californias you. Know I.
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  Wasn't really paying attention. Thanks a lot, California.
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  I can't Sarah coat my taint. We're.
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  Doing dive bombers with magazines showing it all.
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  That one's cool. I like that color.
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  So what I did is I took a desert tan P mag, blasted it Sarah
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  coated it white blow through the white Sarah coat revealing the
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  tan mag gives you a 2 tone. Same deal tan mag, black Sarah
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  coat blow through give a 2 tone. I can do multiple colors for
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  different effects. Like I had this one in like a
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  like like a jungle grass green, a couple different shades of
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  green and some some light sage. So what's really cool is I can
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  play with the laser and I can set speed and frequency settings
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  and imagine like you're tuning a shovel for how big of a bite and
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  how rapidly that bite is occurring.
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  So I can make it really itty bitty, like you're trying to dig
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  a coal mine with a with a little cold stone Creamery, not a
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  sponsor tasting spoon. Or we could be digging that hole
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  with an excavator bucket and just burn right through it.
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  I've never been bitten by a shovel.
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  I have a shovel. You're going to bite me with it.
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  He has none of his vaccines, so you're not going to like what
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  happens for sure. Is he even legal in Taylor, MI?
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  Look, do you want to leave this garage?
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  It's kind of cold in here. Well, I can turn the oven on.
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  Yeah, it'll get this bitch into 80°, so there's.
• 8:41
  A fun thing that call that's called Fume beeper.
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  Oh. So.
• 8:47
  You can turn that on and try to use it as a heat source.
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  You're going to get sick. What kind of sick are we talking
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  about? Like nausea, Malaise, not
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  vomiting, but definitely like gonna feel really yucky.
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  Will I hallucinate? No.
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  But if you sit in here long enough, you will see Jesus.
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  Or Buddha. Or, you know, Hey man, it's up
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  to you. Yeah, it's fair.
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  Nope. Count me out.
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  I don't want it. All right guys, I got a
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  question. Can can I ask you a question
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  before we do this recap? Yeah.
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  Sure, dude. This is a.
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  We're in your fucking shop. This is your house.
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  Mike, you first, what's your preferred spirit animal?
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  Because we're we're going to say what our preferred spirit animal
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  is and then the other two are going to tell them what they
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  think their spirit animal actually.
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  I feel like you guys should tell me what you think.
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  No, no. You you got to say it first and
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  then we can tell you how wrong and dumb you are, OK?
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  Fucking idiot. You think you're a fucking Gray
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  wolf? You're a fucking Pomeranian.
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  Fucking nerd. Spirit animal.
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  Fucking sugar glider. Dog eye sugar glider's not a bad
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  one. You know why?
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  Because they can suck their own Dick, they can.
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  Do that. Oh fuck.
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  Sign me up with the Sugar Glide ride man.
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  Look, that costs extra. That's what I thought you were
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  going. To say no.
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  I was going to say hot and dumb white bitches all over the
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  Internet. Keep those as pets.
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  Yes, fair. I thought he was going to say my
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  spirit animal is hot. Dumb white bitches.
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  Just pulling up the Starbucks. Already have a Starbucks?
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  In their hand. Need another?
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  Oh, you just at the fucking box where they have to look at you
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  through the camera. That's why the fuck up there.
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  Like, hey, welcome to Starbucks. When I get a name for your
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  order, you just shake the empty cup and they're like, all right,
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  come around. Fuck, I have to Google something
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  real. Quick.
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  OK, Jimmy, what's your spirit animal?
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  God. It's fair.
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  I wasn't expecting this question.
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  This is like I've been trying to like stall it and think about
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  what my spirit animal could be. Well if you thanks for stalling,
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  I've got mine now. The a teamwork.
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  It's the the candy Roux. The candy Roux is my spirit
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  animal. It is a fish now it is OK.
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  You got any other off the fucking wall?
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  Wait, what's the significance of said fish?
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  I'll tell you guys in a minute. OK, all right, because we still
• 11:53
  have to tell him what a spirit animal life.
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  Yeah. All right.
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  All right. Yep.
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  OK. Jimmy, what's my spirit animal?
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  Oh, God, you're not guessing it. You're telling me what?
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  What animal comes to mind when you think?
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  Look at him. A mountain goat, Yeah.
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  Because they lick this. That's what I'm talking about.
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  They lick the piss of hikers off of the rocks.
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  Huh. Because they lick the piss of
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  hikers off of rocks. Yeah, yeah, that, you know, your
• 12:18
  beard. I got a I got a Billy goat beard
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  Billy. Goat beard.
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  It's because mount climbing mountness.
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  Though, so it's like it's more, you know, Billy Goat's kind of.
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  Like I would love to hear you talk your way out of what?
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  Billy Goat's kind of like. Gotten into.
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  Meth heady, whereas mountain goat it's at least like it's
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  it's still meth heady mountain. Goat is like but it's rugged
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  grizzle. Yeah, it's like, it's like a
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  meth, meth head that's been through some shit.
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  Like he still gets respect even though he's a meth.
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  It's like, oh, what? There's a Mountain Lion about
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  the Ponce on me? What about just, I don't know,
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  jumped off the mountain? You see the video of of both
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  like it was a snow leopard and freaking A.
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  Mountain goat with no leopard. Leopard begins to jump out and
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  go just. Then they both fucking die.
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  Usually neither one of them live.
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  It was nuts. I I have AI have a mountain goat
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  story. So it's the mountain goats,
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  right? The the male and the female of
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  the species grow horns, right? Not antlers, but.
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  You're going to say testicles. Nope, sure wasn't.
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  However, you know, people who like get after mountain goats
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  for sport, they're really good at figuring out if it's like if
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  it's illegal RAM to take or like there's a bunch of things you
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  got to look for and like the can't of the horn and it's a
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  bunch of different things. So I was kind of like touching
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  on that on one of my Colorado trips.
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  My brother-in-law, brother, brothers in law, your brothers.
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  In law or your brother's in law? What the fuck is the difference
• 13:56
  between the two things you just said?
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  Because. He's getting right in.
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  Brother's sins law. Your brother's law on sins.
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  Was it your brother's in law? Yes, it's like Sergeant.
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  'S major brother in laws. There's multiple brother in
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  laws. OK, so brothers in law.
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  The possessive of the brother. What the fuck?
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  I knew it. I was picking up what he was
• 14:17
  putting down. I knew.
• 14:18
  He did say the same. Listen, I knew where he was
• 14:20
  trying to shove his Dick but he swapped an S for AZ.
• 14:23
  And I caught it. So we're, we're out in Colorado
• 14:30
  and there's a, a gaggle, a group, I don't know what plural
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  fucking mountain goats is called, but they're there on the
• 14:36
  side of the rocks, like 2025 feet away, right?
• 14:45
  That's like every time they just eat.
• 14:50
  Those heaters draw so much power though.
• 14:52
  Yeah, they do. Your GoPro died 7 times.
• 14:57
  So, so we see a bunch of them and I'm like talking.
• 15:01
  About you're not recording. I sure the fuck AM.
• 15:03
  Just kidding. Talking about how like it's kind
• 15:06
  of hard to to sex the animal based on sight if you don't know
• 15:09
  like really well which. Oh, yeah.
• 15:11
  Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's really hard to find the
• 15:12
  whole if you can't see it too, especially like all that fur.
• 15:21
  Is that a pussy? Nope, I just shit, that's a
• 15:25
  butt. So everybody's kind of looking
• 15:32
  at me in the car and I'm like, oh, see that one, that one right
• 15:34
  there, that one that's a boy. And they're like, oh, how can
• 15:37
  you tell? Is it the horn?
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  I'm like, no, I'm looking at his fucking balls.
• 15:44
  So you know what mountain I'll I'll take mountain deck.
• 15:46
  That's a good one. On the list of spirit animals.
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  Yeah. Jimmy, what's yours?
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  No, bitch, you tell me what mine is.
• 15:53
  Yeah, you got to tell him what his is.
• 15:54
  Yeah, yeah. No, come on.
• 15:57
  Come on, is it a narwhal? No, no, I was kind of thinking
• 16:05
  more along the lines of like a kangaroo.
• 16:11
  Would your pouch have an ass? Yeah, got a little pooch, got
• 16:16
  got them Thunder thighs. They like to bounce around in in
• 16:19
  the Outback. But they can also be jacked
• 16:23
  though. They also kill dogs for five.
• 16:25
  Fucking. They also beat the fuck out of
• 16:27
  things. I like the video of the dude who
• 16:29
  just. Yeah, apparently that guy died.
• 16:32
  He died. Apparently.
• 16:34
  Wow, why not? From unrelated gang violence
• 16:39
  incident. We're gonna move on.
• 16:40
  Ironically, my spirit animal is the koala.
• 16:45
  OK. Because of siblings, yeah.
• 16:51
  You know I have AI have a koala question about the critter,
• 16:56
  right? They eat eucalyptus, right?
• 16:59
  Yeah, OK. They're high all the time.
• 17:01
  How many cents that you buy at a store are eucalyptus or have
• 17:10
  eucalyptus cool? What the fuck do you think a
• 17:14
  koala fart smells like? Luke It smells like a Luke I.
• 17:23
  Smell like a koala fart. Look this.
• 17:24
  Smells like rifle and ratchet refinish.
• 17:26
  I I have been called much worse so I'll take it.
• 17:34
  Why? What's my spirit animal?
• 17:38
  I need the you don't need to. I need to read your aura real
• 17:42
  quick. People tell me I look like a
• 17:44
  bear and they're unfortunately not fucked.
• 17:47
  Well, it's. Because they're trying to hit on
• 17:48
  you. It's because it's because they
• 17:50
  want to fuck. Yeah, it's like.
• 17:52
  Wait till they find out about the syphilis.
• 17:54
  It's the. That's and that's like that's,
• 17:58
  that's the type of bear I am is the koala cuz it burns when I
• 18:02
  pee. You know.
• 18:06
  Episodes brought to you by Ocean Spray.
• 18:10
  An ocean spray a day keeps the pee pee pain away.
• 18:12
  That's right. Again, that's for Utis and not
• 18:15
  for syphilis. We're not giving medical advice
• 18:18
  on how to how to home remedy your syphilis.
• 18:24
  Trying a new type of treatment. Pours a glass of creamberry
• 18:28
  juice. Dunks your dog in.
• 18:32
  It hits the four. It looks creamy for some reason.
• 18:35
  No. Which one's the one that has the
• 18:38
  pus? Whoa.
• 18:41
  Is that gonorrhea? ChatGPT.
• 18:46
  Which one is the one that has the pus?
• 18:49
  You know what? Based on based on my previous
• 18:51
  interaction with ChatGPT. I'm going to look that up too.
• 18:57
  I'm just going to type in raw which one has the Pus.
• 19:01
  Yeah, just make sure you clear their search.
• 19:03
  No, no, I do not want to describe a new image.
• 19:07
  Woo, dodged a bullet there. Which one has the pus?
• 19:18
  Let's see, it's thinking I. Think it's gonorrhea?
• 19:22
  It said get fucked, tell me what we're talking about.
• 19:25
  I'm not falling for that. Frigging commies.
• 19:30
  ChatGPT, Luke, you got anything? Sorry, Luke's over at our Fact
• 19:34
  Check station. It's.
• 19:37
  A new segment we're running where Luke just fact checks our
• 19:41
  shit and tells us we look like animal.
• 19:43
  Jimmy, Jimmy, do you want to do this real quick?
• 19:44
  Yeah, what are you drinking, Mike?
• 19:46
  I am drinking some Blanton's. Get the bottle.
• 19:49
  Where's the bottle? It's hidden because they're not
• 19:51
  a sponsored right there. It's yeah, it's down there.
• 19:54
  So if you can see it, let us know.
• 19:57
  Zoom in, take a screenshot. And Jimmy will send you
• 20:01
  feedbacks. I have always wanted Tri blends.
• 20:05
  All right, gentlemen, we ready. Yep.
• 20:07
  All right, it sounds like you're asking which VD.
• 20:11
  Yes, sexually transmitted infections.
• 20:13
  Yep, pretty pus. There is.
• 20:15
  Gonorrhea. Yes, there is.
• 20:18
  Chlamydia. There is trichomoniasis, which
• 20:24
  is more common in women? There is mycoplasma genitalium,
• 20:32
  however not all STI's cause plus like herpes or HPV.
• 20:37
  Now look up what is it? I'm going to tell it that I'm
• 20:43
  going. To.
• 20:45
  Call up all of my exes and ask them to go out with me and see
• 20:54
  what it says. I zoned out for part of that and
• 20:58
  I just heard now go out with me and see where it goes.
• 21:01
  Is that what he said? So I told it I have all of those
• 21:06
  symptoms. How long until my?
• 21:11
  And am still going to engage in the intercourse with as many
• 21:21
  people as possible. Yeah.
• 21:24
  So if you want your guns worth then.
• 21:28
  It says I'm going to be direct. It says I'm going to be direct.
• 21:36
  Go ahead and have sex with these symptoms like that isn't just a
• 21:42
  personal choice. I'm going to tell it I'm not
• 21:51
  following any of your recommendations.
• 21:54
  You're not a doctor. Goodbye.
• 21:55
  I'm. Going to and I will be telling
• 22:01
  the authorities about this conversation.
• 22:08
  So Luke's the reason why AI hates us.
• 22:11
  Yeah, Luke's the reason they're going to be the AI overlords
• 22:13
  instead. Of does not compute.
• 22:17
  All right, anyway, I have caused it to write several paragraphs.
• 22:26
  Hey, careful, there's a bench there.
• 22:28
  Don't die. Was that two benches here?
• 22:31
  Correction, there are two. The fucking one bench you hit
• 22:34
  is. So anyway, that was a fun little
• 22:35
  rabbit hole. That's how he got chlamydia.
• 22:42
  My bad. Whichever. 1.
• 22:44
  Syphilis. Sake, your pic.
• 22:45
  Yeah, syphilis. All right, so.
• 22:48
  Syphilis. Look at pictures of that.
• 22:50
  No, no, we're done. We're done.
• 22:52
  We're all, we're all done with that bet.
• 22:54
  It was a bad bet. That isn't the Valentine's Day
• 22:57
  episode. It was a bad bit like that one
• 23:00
  that had chlamydia on it. I'll show you a bad bit.
• 23:02
  I'll show you a bad bit. Slip that fucking gonorrhea and.
• 23:05
  I thought you were going to show me your winger again.
• 23:07
  Fucking the bat wing. It's all full gallops.
• 23:12
  Anyways, oh, it's like fish. Scales.
• 23:15
  It's like a slimy. It's like a dude, I got so much
• 23:18
  shit going down there. It's like my Dick's a sensory
• 23:21
  toy. You've got fucking bop it, pop
• 23:23
  it, squeeze it. Wipe it up.
• 23:26
  It's just that. Snip it.
• 23:30
  Just that doctor's glove with all the different KitchenAid
• 23:33
  extensions on it. Burn it anyway, Blanton's we're
• 23:45
  going to get a cease and desist. They're like, yeah, you guys
• 23:48
  went from saying the most foul shit we've ever heard in our
• 23:51
  lives. Just wait 5 minutes.
• 23:54
  Never I can top it. No.
• 23:58
  Oh, fucking hell. You know, we're not doing the
• 24:00
  Blanton's bit yet. All right, I'm going to tell you
• 24:03
  that for me, your spirit animal is a sun bear.
• 24:08
  The Sun Bear. It's a red panda.
• 24:11
  It's not a red panda. It's close to a red panda.
• 24:15
  Basically where it's fucking. Yeah.
• 24:18
  And I say that and unfortunately for you, fortunately for
• 24:22
  everyone else, the only real frame of reference I have for a
• 24:26
  sun bear is the one at the Catoctin like Wildlife park.
• 24:32
  Is cock is talking? I like it.
• 24:37
  It is the only thing in it. In it the only.
• 24:41
  Thing talking. The only thing in its enclosure
• 24:45
  and it just looks sad. It's fair and for half of the
• 24:50
  year it kind of looks a little mangy and it's just slipping.
• 24:53
  It's. Fair.
• 24:56
  Thanks, Jimmy. How do you feel about that
• 24:58
  You're. Just this sad, fat, disheveled
• 25:00
  looking bag of milk. Everybody laugh with his crusty
• 25:08
  ass. So yeah, unfortunately for you.
• 25:14
  Because they can watch him, he just doesn't deserve it.
• 25:18
  Oh my God. I'm sure they're not all like
• 25:23
  that, but that's the one that. Do you think maybe the bear has
• 25:28
  like a kink? It's a sun bear.
• 25:34
  Yeah, all right. You have to you have to Google
• 25:37
  it like it's a predator, but like on the like a child, but
• 25:46
  but like. And I don't mean that like it
• 25:48
  hurts things, it's on several. Lists.
• 25:52
  Well, like on the on the hierarchy of bears, that I would
• 25:55
  fight like a growler bear would be #1 that I would not fight.
• 26:01
  I think I'd take a Care Bear first.
• 26:04
  Like like in your butt? Look however the fight starts,
• 26:08
  and however it ends with two different things.
• 26:10
  Think of the Care Bear fucks you at the end, you lost.
• 26:15
  Or did I get it to do what I wanted?
• 26:18
  All right? Played the long gone.
• 26:20
  Why do you think the bear's got a rainbow on its tummy?
• 26:26
  That's right. It's like the king Cobra of
• 26:27
  bears. It's got a fucking massive.
• 26:30
  Neck I thought it was. That actually brings me to what
• 26:33
  I think my spirit animal is. I'm pretty sure I'm like a
• 26:36
  rattlesnake. OK, Jimmy, what do you think
• 26:42
  Luke's spirit animal is? Bed Kemper.
• 26:46
  That's not an animal. Oh, he was an animal.
• 26:49
  He was an animal. Ask his mom.
• 26:53
  Jesus. Oh, wait.
• 26:56
  So I'm like your turn for your spirit.
• 26:59
  Animals do. You remember episode, I think it
• 27:02
  was episode 3 the first time you were on?
• 27:04
  I do, yeah. You were describing that critter
• 27:08
  that lived in like over by where you guys were at on the island,
• 27:15
  Gator Benny the Raccoon. Ah yes, the actually, yeah, I
• 27:19
  am. AI think Benny the not not a
• 27:22
  raccoon. I think Benny the Raccoon.
• 27:24
  Yeah, that actually makes a lot of sense.
• 27:26
  I think I just had a break for I need to call my therapist.
• 27:32
  We, we did. I would have to go back and find
• 27:35
  it on our Facebook, but we did this thing.
• 27:39
  Me and Maddie did this thing where it was, it was a collage.
• 27:44
  He had to picture like what animal do you think of me?
• 27:47
  What tree, You know, what cartoon character or whatever
• 27:51
  And I picked for Maddie. I picked Pose Dad, which is from
• 27:55
  Kung Fu Panda. We've seen.
• 27:56
  Oh yeah, bird that sells the noodles.
• 27:59
  The stork. She knew immediately.
• 28:03
  Fuck you. I'm not Pose Dad.
• 28:06
  And I go, she starts dying. It was a it was a funny, it was
• 28:12
  a funny challenge we did. The mic.
• 28:22
  I thought about taking the mic off and putting it up to the
• 28:24
  farm and I was like. That's too far.
• 28:26
  Thanks. Because when we do far, when we
• 28:28
  do on scene with guests and they're like what the fuck?
• 28:32
  What the fuck's this mic snipes for?
• 28:36
  I thought I thought that might be a little less than
• 28:38
  appreciated. For those of you listen as you
• 28:42
  get pink eyed. Give me mixes up the mic so.
• 28:47
  Normally we give our guests like consolation thing.
• 28:50
  Thanks for showing up. You'll get yours in about two
• 28:53
  weeks. Syphilis and pink eye if you.
• 28:59
  Oh, Jesus. Well fuck.
• 29:03
  OK, what are we drinking? Luke, what are you drinking?
• 29:07
  I've got a Voodoo Ranger Juice Force 9 1/2 alc, 19.2 fluid
• 29:19
  ounces. Hey, wait a minute.
• 29:23
  And it's gone. There's no check the box on this
• 29:27
  boy. I don't know my calories, I
• 29:31
  don't know my. That's because that's a drink
• 29:34
  from bed. And look, I ain't one of them
• 29:39
  newfangled Sissy boys, but I ain't got no trans fats.
• 29:45
  Nope. Hold on, I'm right.
• 29:47
  Who's going there? I was like, maybe not.
• 29:49
  Nope, not going there. Is that a Where's Waldo poster?
• 29:54
  It is a Where's Waldo? Holy shit, did you find him?
• 29:57
  I did, actually. He's behind the TV now.
• 30:01
  Well, that's fucking bullshit. You can't find them.
• 30:04
  He's gone all those. He went to go get milk.
• 30:08
  Jimmy, what are you drinking? Blanton's hopefully.
• 30:11
  Fuck. Sake Blanton's for the 5th time.
• 30:14
  Fucking. Anyway, I've been wanting to try
• 30:17
  Blanton's for years and finally I get to and I'm excited and it
• 30:24
  doesn't not smell the way that I thought.
• 30:26
  It would smell. It doesn't not smell.
• 30:28
  It doesn't not smell. So it smells how you thought it.
• 30:30
  Yeah, pretty much. OK.
• 30:32
  Yeah, he's done that. All right, really.
• 30:36
  All right. So let's see how Jimmy are.
• 30:37
  You still drinking that? There you go, smells.
• 30:41
  Like AS. Well, that finger.
• 30:47
  Your nose is gonna have pink eye in about two weeks.
• 30:51
  It's smooth. No, it's pretty good.
• 30:56
  Like honestly, like you wouldn't really need like.
• 31:00
  So normally when I have a bourbon, I turn it into like an
• 31:04
  old fashion. Like don't get me wrong, this
• 31:06
  has got all the like the burning hot sensations that a bourbon
• 31:11
  has, but it's also got like a sweetness to it.
• 31:14
  It's pretty fucking good, dude. Definitely a slow sipper, but
• 31:22
  it's good, you know? Yeah, you left a little bit.
• 31:26
  I guess so. Don't worry, Luke.
• 31:27
  Got it. The trash man, I had to clean it
• 31:30
  up. It's pretty good are.
• 31:33
  You looking at? Go for me.
• 31:35
  I hope so. Fuck.
• 31:37
  I mean, it's his gun. You got to hit the rim with your
• 31:40
  tongue, you know? No, we both got chlamydia or
• 31:43
  whatever. And we'll both have pink, I
• 31:45
  think. I got really bad news.
• 31:47
  You got her Pacificonalades. No dude, you're fucked.
• 31:51
  I don't know if anybody has ever seen this movie, but let me know
• 31:59
  if you get this reference. A boogity Boo.
• 32:02
  He wants a beer. Huga Duga with a whiskey chaser.
• 32:08
  Escanaba in the moonlight. That is it.
• 32:10
  So look. Once you just smell your pussy.
• 32:15
  Say say what you will but Machebe took a chit and the
• 32:21
  middle of the night the cop being in his underwear.
• 32:23
  Those are like 2 iconic scenes. What is the what is what did
• 32:30
  they yell? Oh God, fuck, I don't think I
• 32:33
  yell that my family would be tips.
• 32:37
  There are some people that listen to this show that would
• 32:39
  be very disappointing to me right now.
• 32:41
  What is what do they yell when he's when he's doing them?
• 32:44
  Namo namo namo they go or something like that.
• 32:50
  You know what I'm talking about. No, don't.
• 32:52
  Fuck, he's when he's doing the the ritual with the awful ass
• 32:56
  shakes that he's got. Fuck.
• 32:59
  Anyway, I used to scream that all the time.
• 33:01
  It'd be funny or something like that.
• 33:05
  Yeah, it would be funny. It would be if I could fucking
• 33:07
  remember it. Anyway, I was not expecting you
• 33:11
  to quote that movie. That surprises me.
• 33:14
  I've never seen that movie. All right, well, we got to pause
• 33:18
  the fucking podcast. We'll be right back.
• 33:20
  Not watching that movie bro. I've seen that movie several
• 33:25
  times and it just gets weirder every time.
• 33:28
  Much if we took a pit. My cousins will watch that movie
• 33:32
  every year at deer camp. It's.
• 33:34
  I couldn't do it. No pasties.
• 33:37
  Yeah, the 30 point buck. I, I, I can't, I cannot.
• 33:44
  Like, I've tried several times to sit down and watch that
• 33:47
  movie, man, it is just too fucking weird for me to just sit
• 33:50
  down and get zoned into it. How do you feel about Strange
• 33:52
  Brew? Then what?
• 33:53
  How do you feel about the movie Strange Brew?
• 33:55
  I've never heard of it. Now we actually have to pause
• 33:59
  the podcast. Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be
• 34:00
  right back. All right, I have homework and
• 34:02
  Jimmy has homework. Strange brew.
• 34:05
  I would not, honestly. It's a classic if you're a big
• 34:09
  time Michigan you per Deer Hunter I would recommend ask
• 34:13
  Escanaba the moonlight but it's. Funny, all of those people have
• 34:16
  already fucking seen it. Yeah, If not, I would not
• 34:19
  recommend you sit down and watch that movie because it is a weird
• 34:22
  one. I just can't do it.
• 34:24
  I try. What was it called?
• 34:26
  Strange Brew. What's it about?
• 34:31
  It's about prison toilet. What is?
• 34:34
  It Oh, the Canadian guys. They're hilarious.
• 34:40
  They got that. They got that song the fucking
• 34:44
  the 12 Days of Christmas. Yeah, it sounds right.
• 34:48
  I'm like on the 1st. Day of Christmas, my true love
• 34:51
  gave them me a beer and then. I have. 2 French toast and a
• 34:58
  beer. That's a good song.
• 35:00
  All right, so we did our do this whole episode is because.
• 35:10
  Nothing happened. Off the rails, dude.
• 35:13
  Yeah, what are we drinking? What?
• 35:14
  So what's your wheat recap? Oh fuck my weekly recap.
• 35:18
  So I've been in Michigan for just about a fucking week.
• 35:24
  Which I'm a little upset that we didn't get to do some of the
• 35:27
  things that we talked about doing.
• 35:28
  Yeah, we didn't go to that one park.
• 35:31
  Suicide park. Yeah, I called a concussion park
• 35:33
  because I forgot what it was called.
• 35:34
  And my wife's like, you want to take our three-year old where?
• 35:38
  And I'm like. It's called for the listeners
• 35:42
  who are Michigan based. It's called Survivor Park.
• 35:44
  It's in Howell. It's super badass.
• 35:49
  It's not designed for safety. It is where children are sent to
• 35:55
  go become men. Even if they're girls, yeah.
• 35:59
  Yeah, they're it's a very cool park.
• 36:03
  It's it's got a ton of rocks that you can climb on, a ton of
• 36:06
  lodge you can climb on. It's got a play structure, rope,
• 36:09
  rope course. And it does got a toddler
• 36:12
  section too, but it's got fountains.
• 36:14
  It's got a big field. If you want to play soccer or
• 36:16
  bike ice or whatever the fuck you would do in a field.
• 36:18
  I don't know, you know, Falk in the field, get syphilis.
• 36:22
  Wait, the field has it or you got to bring somebody with?
• 36:24
  It I'm sure, I'm sure there's probably some in there.
• 36:29
  That is showing us a picture of a field of syphilis.
• 36:32
  Is it Rick Murdoch? Yeah.
• 36:34
  Nice. Nice.
• 36:36
  I got to look that up. Yeah, you did.
• 36:39
  But the weather just wasn't there.
• 36:40
  Like it was it was rainy. It was cold, which sucks.
• 36:43
  This week sucks. Which sucks because the the the
• 36:47
  week before that you would have thought it was summer.
• 36:49
  Yeah, well, it was summer in Maryland, so.
• 36:51
  Yeah, so. And that was fucking now it's
• 36:54
  fall already. Hunting season's coming, so I'm
• 36:56
  excited about that. It snowed.
• 36:59
  What was it yesterday? It started snowing.
• 37:02
  I got done pumping gas and I was like, that's the fucking snow.
• 37:06
  It's snowing on my birthday. Hell yeah, Michigan.
• 37:10
  Yep, Yep, Yep, Yep. So some of the some of the more
• 37:15
  fun things we did that meet up with are we dreaming?
• 37:18
  Was it? I say we, but the we in this
• 37:21
  context is not the three damn dudes.
• 37:23
  It is the band that I was in in high school and are we dreaming
• 37:29
  the that group of dudes goes back like fucking 1516 years.
• 37:36
  So did they know each other? Did everybody know each other?
• 37:39
  We had played shows together. Oh, OK, OK.
• 37:41
  So like they we all, yeah, we all, we all knew each other then
• 37:48
  at least a little bit and have like known of each other since
• 37:52
  cuz I left and we the redeemed kind of just stopped.
• 38:01
  But yeah. And it was it was good to go
• 38:02
  over to to Chris's house and hang out with Shane and Danny.
• 38:06
  And if you guys have no idea what we're talking about, go
• 38:12
  check out episode 14 where we had the Boys from Are We
• 38:15
  Dreaming On? I thought 14 was Dennis
• 38:17
  Meredith. That's 15.
• 38:19
  Oh, you told Coach 14. Oh well, that yeah, he's not
• 38:22
  going to know what? They're talking about talk.
• 38:24
  About any of these people. Oh, by the way, shout out Coach
• 38:27
  Bergeron. We.
• 38:31
  We should. Be we should because go check
• 38:35
  out. Talking real estate on Facebook.
• 38:37
  Yep. Yeah, I'm sure there's, there's
• 38:40
  a bunch of bunch of our listeners who potentially are
• 38:43
  still in the barracks or renting or, you know, not in a house yet
• 38:48
  because it's fucking stupid. Expensive to find that,
• 38:50
  fortunately. I don't know if he does.
• 38:53
  I think he's probably local only.
• 38:55
  Yeah, I don't think that Coach Bergeron has any sway over Bear.
• 38:58
  Insurance. Yeah.
• 38:59
  No shit you say. Bear Insurance.
• 39:04
  Yeah, if you live in a state with bears, like Michigan and
• 39:06
  Maryland, you're going to need bear insurance.
• 39:08
  No, that's payable to me. Accidental autoerotic
• 39:12
  asphyxiation during like bare encounters.
• 39:15
  Which is not in the woods. I want to.
• 39:16
  See that? I want to see if this flavor
• 39:18
  profile changed any. Now that your spit is in my
• 39:21
  glass, get micro flash. Hold on, give me like 30 seconds
• 39:28
  and I can put some in this. There's a lot in my hand.
• 39:34
  Damn it. That was a micro pore.
• 39:37
  Yeah, I'm on a second. Well, keep in mind, I gotta.
• 39:39
  I'm not driving. I got a hike.
• 39:41
  I'm gonna do a little sippy poo. A bit of have a hike.
• 39:46
  A little sippy poo. Although Loop did say he's got a
• 39:49
  guest bedroom. Though she did, I got a guest
• 39:52
  bedroom. I've got a that means.
• 39:54
  I've got a real swipe basement, we can get fucked up and
• 39:57
  cuddled. We could.
• 39:58
  You guys are going to have a tough time on that fun mattress.
• 40:01
  That we're not fucking you're. Going to be inside each other on
• 40:04
  that fun mattress. We're going to be inside each
• 40:07
  other regardless. We're going to be inside each
• 40:08
  other on a king mattress. You're talking about a fucking
• 40:14
  mountain goat in the koala we're fucking.
• 40:18
  It's Animal Planet that gets bedroom.
• 40:21
  I don't care what animal sounds you hear, don't fucking come in
• 40:23
  there. I'm going to see some shit you.
• 40:25
  Know, so you can pick up a bottle of this for like, what,
• 40:27
  120 bucks, something like that. That's pretty good.
• 40:31
  I don't I used to. I used to be a bourbon guy, man.
• 40:35
  Like, yeah, yeah. The way that I want to, just
• 40:43
  like. Shove that up your ass.
• 40:45
  It's got a flared base. You can, it's safe.
• 40:49
  Could you imagine that? I don't think that's enough
• 40:52
  safety net. Could you imagine?
• 40:53
  Asshole gets really greedy at a certain point, and that point is
• 40:57
  about 1/2 an inch in. I wonder how drunk you would?
• 41:01
  Get no, no, no, no. Hold on.
• 41:03
  Are we glossing over that? Are we just going to gloss right
• 41:06
  over that? He needs a bigger one.
• 41:08
  No that assholes get really greedy after 1/2 inch.
• 41:12
  You're right. You're God damn right they do.
• 41:17
  You give the. Mouse a cookie or you give an
• 41:20
  asshole 1/2 inch and they're just going to take the rest of
• 41:24
  the mile, ma'am. Suction to it.
• 41:27
  You got a mile. A Dick fucking where?
• 41:30
  I can't help this is gross, but how?
• 41:33
  How fucking grossly similar to an Ed Kemper quote that you just
• 41:39
  got with that asshole thing, by the way.
• 41:42
  No, the asshole gets really greedy at a certain point.
• 41:47
  You should ask my mother. He was, yeah.
• 41:51
  He's. I'm not going to talk about it
• 41:53
  on. This podcast, because it was so.
• 41:55
  Graphic, but he basically said something like that, yeah.
• 42:01
  What? Hello my my mom, my.
• 42:07
  Staff. In my staff in Coic on
• 42:09
  deployment was a gentleman named Mass RJP and a trooper from what
• 42:16
  I can tell. Oh he was.
• 42:20
  He was the best. Honestly, he was the best.
• 42:25
  His asshole got greedy after 1/4 inch.
• 42:28
  That man could run what? Was his name.
• 42:30
  Mass RJP so that man could run and that man could lift and he
• 42:38
  was well read, well versed. You know, he he was he was
• 42:42
  really the the kind of marine that you could look up to and he
• 42:48
  he presented it very well. He had to put together from the
• 42:51
  outside looking at I've I've had the pleasure of being able to
• 42:56
  keep in touch with him, but we're we're in the cock one day
• 43:04
  command out center. Just so fun to say that we're in
• 43:07
  the cock and like touch through throughout the work up and the
• 43:20
  deployment. Like it was strongly encouraged
• 43:25
  to read because this was COVID. So when when we were out there,
• 43:29
  it was damn near like prison on Tatooine.
• 43:33
  The guy. The guy that I replaced.
• 43:35
  There's two sons and no women. Straight the fuck up, Nebraska.
• 43:43
  So the guy replaced Zawatsk, or Zawatski, however you want to
• 43:48
  pronounce it. This Polish guy, I went to the
• 43:52
  schoolhouse with him and I get out there to replace him.
• 43:56
  We were in the same schoolhouse, same unit in the fleet.
• 44:00
  Get out there to replace him. And he's telling me, Oh yeah,
• 44:03
  you know, I got to go to Djibouti and I got to go to
• 44:06
  Jordan and I got to go do cross training and meet other people
• 44:10
  and, you know, go do for DMS and like, go, go do some really cool
• 44:13
  stuff, man. I got to go travel and have a
• 44:15
  great time. And I got out there for COVID
• 44:20
  where they were closing down the gym and we literally got our
• 44:27
  volleyball took away and screamed at by a Navy chief
• 44:32
  because there were too many people playing volleyball.
• 44:36
  I did not go anywhere except for other bases and the flight line.
• 44:42
  I did not enjoy myself the way he did.
• 44:47
  No, no, I, I didn't. I really didn't.
• 44:53
  No, I was enjoying myself multiple times a day.
• 44:55
  Thank you very much. So all all that like in mind, a
• 45:01
  lot of reading is happening and and some not definitely not
• 45:07
  sanctioned Brazilian Jiu Jitsu training was happening,
• 45:11
  definitely was not happening at work one day and that's on JP.
• 45:18
  This very tall black gentleman, he looks at me and he just goes,
• 45:25
  Smith, you know, you look and sound a lot like Ed Kemper.
• 45:34
  Are you doing OK, man? And I, I really didn't know what
• 45:40
  to say to that because like, you know how we all have those like,
• 45:46
  bad inner thoughts that we just don't act on and we just push
• 45:51
  them down. And then eventually they turn
• 45:53
  into like an outburst while you're driving down the road and
• 45:57
  you say your favorite words. I I don't need to be really mad
• 46:03
  to say fuck, but you do you buddy.
• 46:05
  Also yes. Anyway, so the relation to me
• 46:11
  and Ed Kemper is not legal, not proven and unsubstantiated.
• 46:16
  However, I do bear strike and resemblance to that man.
• 46:21
  No, yeah, for sure. Hey.
• 46:23
  No, yeah. For sure.
• 46:25
  Yeah, I know what I want to say. Where is the weirdest place
• 46:28
  you've cranked your heart? Really not that weird.
• 46:35
  I was gonna pretty. Pretty common and normal
• 46:37
  actually. I was gonna ask, did you crank
• 46:39
  one out on deployment in 140°? Porter shooter.
• 46:42
  For sure. OK, it was a real deployment
• 46:44
  then. I mean in the in the share a few
• 46:48
  times, like every day in the MRAP that one time, you know,
• 46:56
  there there was a time where I was on I was on watch duty and
• 47:00
  you know, it's like 1 in the morning.
• 47:02
  How the fuck else are you going to stay awake from Kuwait?
• 47:09
  Where's the weirdest place? Hold on, give me a second to dig
• 47:12
  back to the. Take your time because hang on a
• 47:14
  second. I was shopping with my mom.
• 47:18
  You're going to tell us about the weirdest place you pranked
• 47:20
  your hog? Or is that just the world's
• 47:22
  shittiest segue? My mom.
• 47:24
  Listens to the podcast. Oh no.
• 47:27
  She was like, she's like, I want you, you should give me a shout
• 47:32
  out one time. Yeah, I will.
• 47:35
  But I was going to give her a shout out on like one of a
• 47:37
  really foul episode. But she was like, there was 1
• 47:41
  episode I couldn't listen to and I immediately knew which one she
• 47:45
  was talking about. Which fucking one was it the hog
• 47:49
  cranking 1? And I was like, you buy I was
• 47:52
  like, I don't think I answered that question, to be honest.
• 47:56
  I don't. I don't think I glossed over
• 47:57
  that one. Yeah.
• 47:58
  What's the weirdest place you've cranked your hog?
• 47:59
  Jimmy I. Don't know if I've cranked my
• 48:01
  hog in a weird place. Well, so by fact of having
• 48:07
  cranked your hog more than once, there would have to be a
• 48:10
  weirdest place. Even if it's not weird, that's.
• 48:14
  Fair. That's a throwback.
• 48:20
  Also not that. Weird, our studio audience said
• 48:22
  the Kmart dressing room cuz Kmart camera ain't anything
• 48:27
  anymore. I was working at Kmart, that was
• 48:29
  my first like over the counter job.
• 48:33
  And I was working with this, I was working with this good
• 48:37
  looking chick. And she got off work and she
• 48:42
  came back to Kmart to pick stuff up like an hour and a half
• 48:46
  later. And you know, she'd, she'd been
• 48:49
  smoking a little bit of something because like she had
• 48:51
  that real relaxed demeanor, you know what I'm talking about.
• 48:54
  And she comes through with a little shopping basket and it's
• 48:57
  just got a cucumber in it. And she's looking at me and I'm
• 49:00
  looking at her and I'm trying to figure out a way to ask if I
• 49:04
  could replace that cucumber. But also, I was at a point in
• 49:10
  life where I wouldn't know what to do with it if I got it.
• 49:16
  Yeah, cucumber. Hey, you buy that.
• 49:20
  Give it to me. I'll give you something else.
• 49:22
  But I want that God damn cucumber.
• 49:26
  Well, by then it'll be a pickle, probably, but yeah, yeah.
• 49:32
  Yeah, I lost a cucumber. That greedy little bum hole you
• 49:35
  got? What's behind door #1A cucumber?
• 49:42
  I think. I don't know, I think the
• 49:44
  weirdest place on Frank my hog would probably be in the woods
• 49:47
  while hunting. Also.
• 49:48
  I don't. You had a stand, Jack.
• 49:50
  You had a stand, Jack. No, I was sitting.
• 49:53
  That was a comfy. So wait you.
• 49:57
  Hold, hold on, hold on, hold. On I don't remember the.
• 49:59
  Logistics of it. So you were sit you're in a
• 50:01
  blinder on the ground. I don't.
• 50:02
  Remember if I was in the tree stand or if I was in a pop up.
• 50:05
  I don't believe. You.
• 50:06
  I was so drunk that day. It was definitely in the woods
• 50:12
  because you're sitting there not seeing shit and you got a phone
• 50:14
  in your pocket. It's hard not to just start
• 50:18
  scrolling on Reddit. Yeah, I can't confirm, OK.
• 50:23
  Pulls up lousy plumber. Puts into the pornhub search top
• 50:31
  JP I'm stuck help. I'm going to rephrase that.
• 50:34
  It definitely couldn't have been a pop up line because I use my
• 50:38
  buddy's pop up line and I wouldn't do that to somebody.
• 50:42
  So you're either sitting on the ground.
• 50:44
  I was probably in my tree stand. OK, elevated.
• 50:47
  Elevated Jack in session. Yeah, yeah, I was jacked up.
• 50:50
  Jacking. How far do you think that would
• 50:53
  shoot? That's what I was trying to find
• 50:55
  out. Trajectory of a tree.
• 50:57
  Stand, come. Stop.
• 50:58
  And I listen. I shoot buckets.
• 51:02
  I remember, I've heard, I've heard.
• 51:05
  Tell of these buckets. I I produce and if you're yeah.
• 51:11
  Yeah, fuck Tank 69. You need a bottle of Jimmy.
• 51:15
  Oh my God, I was just. That's so funny.
• 51:17
  You just said that. I made that joke earlier.
• 51:19
  This week, trust me, you'll go. When I was talking, when I sent
• 51:22
  you guys, when I sent you guys that snap saying have you ever
• 51:25
  had been so horny you sprayed Tink 69 in your mouth just to
• 51:28
  feel something somebody else said, yeah, that could be your
• 51:31
  new flavor. And I was like, nuttin ruttin
• 51:34
  Buck dude. Yeah, OK, so I have an answer to
• 51:38
  the question. Yeah, are we ready for it,
• 51:42
  Kmart? No.
• 51:44
  But also, yes, no, he wasn't cranking at Kmart.
• 51:48
  No, I was cranking at Kmart. How many years ago was this?
• 51:55
  2014. All right, so more than 7.
• 51:57
  All right. At least.
• 52:00
  So when I got out of the core, I had to move all my shit from
• 52:11
  Oceanside, CA to Taylor, MI and we decided that a personal move
• 52:21
  made the most sense. Like a fool, idiot.
• 52:27
  Like an idiot. I won't go into the Star Wars
• 52:34
  like saga. That was the mistake that
• 52:37
  happened in the year of our Lord 2021.
• 52:42
  I will tell you that I bought a trailer to pull behind the
• 52:47
  truck. I then loaded the truck, trailer
• 52:53
  and the car with two cats, three dogs and entertainment center on
• 53:00
  the trailer because my wife just had to fucking have it.
• 53:04
  She listen to the show my wife. My wife, I then also loaded all
• 53:12
  of the stuff I did not trust the movers with.
• 53:15
  All of my tools, my guns, my reloading equipment.
• 53:20
  You know, there's anything I actually wanted to see again,
• 53:22
  You know, all her shit I put in the mover's vehicle.
• 53:25
  All my shit I put in the truck. Your poor wife, she seems so
• 53:29
  sweet. Swedish.
• 53:32
  Penis by Austin Bellis. I don't know if anybody that
• 53:37
  listens to this podcast has looked at a map recently, much
• 53:42
  less Google map the distance between Oceanside, CA and
• 53:47
  Taylor, MI. It's in the ballpark of like
• 53:51
  32116 1/2 miles. It's.
• 53:56
  Oddly specific. I'm pretty sure Mike's ex lived
• 53:59
  in both. That's crazy dude.
• 54:02
  So I had a. Fucking wild if you think about
• 54:05
  it. I had a buddy don't.
• 54:07
  Worry. Yeah, I just, I've had a couple.
• 54:11
  So I flew my wife out ahead of us.
• 54:13
  No way. Because the operation that we
• 54:18
  were about to embark on was was a true fucking logistics op.
• 54:23
  3200 miles, two vehicles, a trailer, 3 dogs and two cats.
• 54:27
  Just think about that for a second.
• 54:31
  And he said, hey, I have a buddy along the northern route we can
• 54:35
  crash with and hang with and, you know, have a day of fucking
• 54:38
  rest and recovery on this road trip.
• 54:41
  And I said, OK, cool, we'll do the northern route.
• 54:45
  You cranked your hog at his house.
• 54:47
  We're forgetting that. We get into the mountain ranges
• 54:53
  and we hit a hilltop, or like a mountaintop.
• 54:57
  Yeah, What are you talking about?
• 54:59
  23108. OK well fuck off with your facts
• 55:02
  and shit. So 23108 miles?
• 55:08
  That's still a lot. Of that's.
• 55:10
  So much better than 30 whatever the fuck.
• 55:12
  So way too. Far with the trailer.
• 55:15
  And a truck that on a normal drive gets 210 miles to the
• 55:19
  tank, How many build that? Bitch up.
• 55:23
  How many gallons per mile is that?
• 55:25
  I have a 20 gallon tank, so like at least 10 point 10 point
• 55:33
  something, I don't fucking know. Anyway, we hit a mountaintop in
• 55:41
  all right? Fuck.
• 55:43
  Oh my God, it's all flooding back.
• 55:46
  I'm standing. Up there next to a port of
• 55:48
  shitter. That cool guy, they're in the
• 55:52
  trees. Fuck.
• 55:53
  Are we going to make this hilltop shit shit?
• 55:55
  We're going to lose the trailer. Fuck.
• 55:57
  So anyway, this road trip was a fucking nightmare from start to
• 56:04
  finish. We hadn't even left California
• 56:07
  yet. We were an hour into the trip.
• 56:10
  I left an entire garage worth of shit outside of my condo just
• 56:15
  next to the dumpster. I didn't put anything in the
• 56:18
  dumpster, I left it next to the dumpster.
• 56:21
  It was a mountain of bullshit I just left in the parking lot of
• 56:26
  the condominium. The HOA tried to call me the
• 56:29
  very next day and say that I had to clean it up for face of fee.
• 56:33
  And then I reminded them that I told them about a tree that was
• 56:37
  going to fall and it fell on my car and they did nothing about
• 56:40
  it. And I just reminded them of
• 56:42
  that. And then I never heard from them
• 56:43
  again and they were just so happy to be rid of.
• 56:47
  We're less than an hour into this trip.
• 56:50
  We are in a parking lot of a gas station and the dog has locked
• 56:58
  me out of the truck. It is 9:00 PM at night ish.
• 57:04
  It's dark. It's dark in California.
• 57:06
  As opposed to 9:00 PM in the morning, correct?
• 57:08
  OK, I'm locked out. We're trying to figure the fuck
• 57:14
  out. Me and my boy and a gentleman
• 57:19
  comes crip walking towards us and says hey man you y'all need
• 57:25
  something? And my my buddy he just turns
• 57:31
  and goes what do you want dude? And he's like oh I would just
• 57:35
  help but I was just trying to see if I could help y'all with
• 57:37
  something for the trip because it looked like y'all were going
• 57:39
  to take a trip. And he goes, no, we're good.
• 57:43
  And I'm like completely like 1 ear in one ear out disregarding
• 57:48
  this conversation. And when I look up I see that
• 57:50
  this gentleman was clearly trying to sell his drugs.
• 57:59
  Less than 5 minutes later, literally it felt like I blinked
• 58:05
  and I heard gunshots and then literally I blinked again and I
• 58:11
  heard the sirens and there were cops all up and down the street.
• 58:18
  There was a helicopter and then there was an ambulance that
• 58:21
  conveniently pulled in right next to us.
• 58:24
  And I'm like looking over at the guys in the ambulance and I just
• 58:29
  go, hey, do either of you have anything that could help me get
• 58:34
  back into my truck? And one of the dudes was a
• 58:37
  fucking gangster and he does Bing bang, boom, got me right
• 58:42
  back in and we're on on our way again.
• 58:44
  And you know, we're we're on the phone, me and my boy, we're like
• 58:48
  convoy in it. And I'm like, So what the fuck
• 58:51
  was even that? And he's like, I'm pretty sure
• 58:53
  that dude that tried to sell us drugs just got murdered dog.
• 58:57
  And I'm like, OK, that's crazy. Anyway, where are we stopping
• 59:01
  for the night? Not.
• 59:03
  Fucking here, not fucking here was the answer.
• 59:05
  We drove straight through that night.
• 59:07
  We, we drove, we got into like we got into the mountains and we
• 59:13
  hit this fucking sun downtown like, oh, I'm talking a hard sun
• 59:19
  downtown like posted on sheet metal street signs.
• 59:24
  No parking after 9:00 PM and every parking lot we found
• 59:31
  including gas stations, stores, storefronts, fucking everywhere.
• 59:35
  Anywhere that you could stop a vehicle legally outside of the
• 59:39
  street had a do not park sign. No parking.
• 59:42
  You will be towed. So naturally we stop and we park
• 59:49
  and maybe 1/2 hour after we've parked we see a cop car go by.
• 59:53
  So I radio up my boy and I'm like, yo, we got to move.
• 59:56
  We got to go. We go like 20 more minutes up
• 1:00:01
  the road because Google said there would be a Walmart.
• 1:00:05
  There was not a Walmart. We found a gas station.
• 1:00:08
  We pulled into said gas station looked normal.
• 1:00:13
  We thought that perhaps behind the gas station there would be
• 1:00:16
  parking solutions because typically, you know, there's,
• 1:00:19
  there's at least something going on.
• 1:00:21
  And we pull, I pull behind this fucking gas station, dude.
• 1:00:26
  There are no less. And then eight cars and they
• 1:00:32
  have got dust. Like I'm talking weeks to and or
• 1:00:39
  months of dust built up on these cars.
• 1:00:44
  Several of them have busted out driver side windows.
• 1:00:51
  Immediately my Spidey senses are up.
• 1:00:53
  And then I noticed that there is a fucking wall, like wall with
• 1:01:00
  floodlights and barbed wire around the back of this gas
• 1:01:03
  station and Pulp Fiction pups into my head and I'm like yo we
• 1:01:07
  got to get the fuck out of here now.
• 1:01:12
  So we back out of this gas station and we get the fuck out
• 1:01:15
  of there and we just keep on driving on the route. 2 hours
• 1:01:18
  later we do hit a Walmart relief.
• 1:01:26
  We park in the Walmart parking lot.
• 1:01:29
  I am super duper stressed so I jerk my meat like twice and I
• 1:01:39
  cannot sleep because one. Come on your steering wheel dog.
• 1:01:45
  I am fresh out of the clusterfuck that was 2020 and
• 1:01:51
  2021 in the Middle East, like fresh out of that shit.
• 1:01:56
  And I, I got spicy feelings about it and then COVID fucking
• 1:02:00
  up the rest of my enlistment and now me and another Marine Corps
• 1:02:04
  buddy are logistics upping our way across the country.
• 1:02:09
  So like, I'm, I'm, I'm pretty fucking wired, right?
• 1:02:14
  It's 3 1/2 in the morning. It's 3 1/2 in the fucking
• 1:02:20
  morning and I see a vehicle enter the parking lot low and
• 1:02:28
  slow, just kind of cruising and then it circles back.
• 1:02:36
  And then they go to park and I see just like a blur of motion
• 1:02:44
  where the driver leans down and does something with his hood in
• 1:02:48
  his face. And I'm like oh hell no.
• 1:02:52
  And I pull out my Glock and I pop over the hood of my truck
• 1:02:56
  and they see me go to act and they just peel the fuck out
• 1:03:01
  because I am a bona fide treasure trove sitting in this
• 1:03:05
  fucking parking lot with clearly visible trash cans full of tools
• 1:03:12
  like I'm I'm easy pickings for a highway robber.
• 1:03:16
  So I radio up my boy and we get the fuck back on the road.
• 1:03:22
  We we make it another couple 100 miles.
• 1:03:27
  One of the trailer tires blow. We're on a no sight ahead
• 1:03:35
  hairpin curve in a Canyon in fucking Utah.
• 1:03:41
  So I call up the state police and get them to send a driver or
• 1:03:48
  a trooper out to drop a couple players around this curve for us
• 1:03:52
  so that we can not get absolutely railroaded by a semi.
• 1:03:59
  Again, super stressed. Blow another couple loads.
• 1:04:03
  Meanwhile, the whole time my dog Brutus the border collie pit,
• 1:04:07
  he's not fixed. He is licking his Dick and
• 1:04:11
  Cumming the entire time. My car smelled like dog cum for
• 1:04:17
  a year and a half. It's leather OK?
• 1:04:21
  There was dog cum all over that car.
• 1:04:24
  Both of my male dogs were licking their Dicks and Cumming
• 1:04:28
  all over my car. My buddy was driving and so make
• 1:04:34
  it even worse. So make it that much worse.
• 1:04:37
  You know how dogs like to do that thing when they put their
• 1:04:40
  face on either side of the driver's?
• 1:04:44
  Seat. With their fucking friend right
• 1:04:47
  there in your fucking face. Yeah.
• 1:04:50
  So imagine double dog cum breath while you're trying to drive.
• 1:04:54
  Your boy has fucking blown a trailer tire.
• 1:04:58
  Thank God he packed all his tools and he had an air
• 1:05:01
  compressor full of air. So I was able to Jack up my
• 1:05:05
  trailer, zip my fucking tire off, drive 25 miles back to the
• 1:05:10
  nearest town with a Walmart, get the tire replaced on the rim,
• 1:05:15
  drive back. That was the only tire they had
• 1:05:20
  make it 15 miles down the road the other fucking trailer tire
• 1:05:25
  blows and me and my boy have a fucking meltdown on the side of
• 1:05:31
  the highway at this fucking truck service repair station.
• 1:05:36
  We spent like 15 to 20 minutes just kind of losing it because
• 1:05:41
  we're we're three days into what was overall an 11 day trip.
• 1:05:48
  I then drive another 30 miles to the next town to find a tire for
• 1:05:54
  this other fucking rim. I check the I check, I check the
• 1:06:02
  Belle tire, I check the Firestone and anywhere else.
• 1:06:06
  It was like a commercially listed on Google Maps tire
• 1:06:08
  place. No one's got my tire or a tire
• 1:06:11
  that'll work. Go fuck yourself.
• 1:06:14
  I am in Utah without a prayer my boy, and all my shit is 30 miles
• 1:06:24
  back and I'm just kind of like giving up hope.
• 1:06:29
  So I do what I know to do, which is just start, start, just just
• 1:06:36
  just start driving around. Just start driving and keep
• 1:06:39
  praying. And I see in this fucking back
• 1:06:45
  alley commercial area, pretty fucking dirty seedy area, couple
• 1:06:50
  Mexican dudes chilling outside of a warehouse surrounded with
• 1:06:55
  barbed wire and that fence with all the like, no climb on shit
• 1:06:59
  through all the links. They're just sitting on a couple
• 1:07:02
  stacks of tires. And I go, these are my fucking
• 1:07:05
  guys. And I pull up and having learned
• 1:07:09
  a little bit of Spanish from AutoZone in Oceanside, I go, yo
• 1:07:13
  amigos necesito and I just hold up my rim with the old fucking
• 1:07:19
  tire on it. And they just kind of are like,
• 1:07:21
  OK, come on, get in there. And no words were spoken.
• 1:07:28
  Nothing was like talked about. They just took my rim.
• 1:07:32
  And about 10 minutes later, they came back to me with a fresh
• 1:07:35
  tire that matched. And they said, hey, Andre and
• 1:07:38
  Bonnie, I'm like, what the fuck, $120.00 And they're like, it's
• 1:07:44
  already done. And I'm like, OK, you know what,
• 1:07:49
  have it, I got to go. Bye.
• 1:07:52
  Do you guys have been moved? To put it in perspective, I paid
• 1:07:55
  $40.00 for the other tire at the Walmart.
• 1:07:58
  Yeah, these guys saw the white boy pull up and a truck clearly
• 1:08:03
  distressed and empty of cum. They said, look, I'll pay.
• 1:08:10
  All right, just do it and then tell them, all right, we'll get
• 1:08:13
  them. So I get back to my boy.
• 1:08:15
  We put the trailer tire on. We keep on driving.
• 1:08:20
  We get like we're all, we're almost to Colorado, almost to
• 1:08:25
  Colorado. And we're on this mountaintop,
• 1:08:28
  mountaintop gas station and in the mountains and we're getting
• 1:08:33
  gas. And my boy says he like he, he
• 1:08:38
  goes off to fuck off and have a cigarette and he comes back to
• 1:08:42
  me and he's just like, yo, be ready.
• 1:08:45
  Fucking like be ready, Condition 1.
• 1:08:47
  And I'm like, OK, So my hand goes into my pocket and we
• 1:08:52
  finished filling up with that incident.
• 1:08:54
  And as we get back in the cars and we start to drive away, we,
• 1:08:57
  I see these two fucking guys like I and us.
• 1:09:00
  And we're driving away. And he's telling me, yeah, as I
• 1:09:03
  was over there having a cigarette, I heard these two
• 1:09:05
  fucking meth heads talking, yeah, we should, we should jump
• 1:09:08
  these fucking guys take their truck, get the fuck out of here,
• 1:09:10
  take the shit. And the other guy goes, Nah,
• 1:09:14
  man, I, I got, I got a bad feeling.
• 1:09:16
  I don't like it. I don't like it.
• 1:09:17
  And I'm like, yeah, we'd have a much different situation on our
• 1:09:21
  hands. This is the wildest and longest
• 1:09:24
  weirdest place I've cranked my. Hog story I've ever fucking
• 1:09:27
  heard. So far it's been in like 4
• 1:09:29
  different states. I feel like I I'm searching in
• 1:09:33
  California, in Nevada and Utah and I'm about to jerking in
• 1:09:37
  Colorado while I'm driving because I am stressed the fuck
• 1:09:42
  out man I. Feel like we just made that
• 1:09:44
  whole road trip with them dude. So.
• 1:09:47
  We get. Down out of the mountains into
• 1:09:51
  Colorado. Oh my God, flat ground.
• 1:10:00
  Guess what? It seemed like the last 800
• 1:10:04
  miles was nothing but fucking road work.
• 1:10:09
  All I saw was cones for two days.
• 1:10:11
  Cones and dog come. Cones, dog come, he comes.
• 1:10:17
  Fucking that was we. Were sleeping in the oh oh I
• 1:10:22
  forgot about the night that we were with the blown out tire on
• 1:10:25
  that hairpin curve man. No, I think you hit it.
• 1:10:29
  Oh no no no. So we're on the air pink curve,
• 1:10:33
  the flares are almost burnt out and I am getting the hills have
• 1:10:39
  eyes vibes. So I locked the truck and I go
• 1:10:44
  get in the Honda with my boy and the dogs and I leave the cats in
• 1:10:48
  the fucking truck to their own devices.
• 1:10:50
  Whatever, fuck it, we're in the truck.
• 1:10:55
  I've got my Glock, I've got the dogs, I've got my boy, and we
• 1:11:00
  leave the car running for the AC because it's fucking Utah.
• 1:11:04
  And let's see, when did I get out?
• 1:11:06
  July. And we left in August.
• 1:11:08
  Yeah, it's August in Utah. It's hot.
• 1:11:11
  It's hot as fuck again. Still still on like 70% guard.
• 1:11:20
  And I kind of register that a shape has appeared on the
• 1:11:25
  driver's side window. I'm in the passenger seat.
• 1:11:27
  My boy is in the driver's seat. He's slumped.
• 1:11:29
  He is asleep hard. And this guy, this random ass
• 1:11:35
  guy. Hey, are you guys good?
• 1:11:41
  Yeah, Yeah, we're good. Thanks, dude.
• 1:11:45
  Hey, if if you, if you get out, show me what's wrong.
• 1:11:49
  Maybe I could. No, dude, we're good.
• 1:11:53
  Well, you know, maybe if you just get out.
• 1:11:56
  And then I pulled my Glock out and I'm like, no, dude, we're
• 1:11:59
  fucking good. And he's like, oh, oh, OK, fine.
• 1:12:03
  If it's like that and I'm like, yeah, it's like that.
• 1:12:05
  We're good, dude, have a good night.
• 1:12:08
  Literally my exact words were yeah, we're good, have a good
• 1:12:11
  night. Like dude, it is 2 in the
• 1:12:14
  morning on this random ass hairpin curve and you're trying
• 1:12:17
  to get me to get out of my vehicle.
• 1:12:21
  I've seen how this movie ends and I don't like it.
• 1:12:27
  So that was that was Utah. That was 800 miles ago.
• 1:12:31
  Keep in mind I'm in a 98 GMC and I'm pulling a trailer.
• 1:12:36
  My tongue is maxed out, my gross is maxed out.
• 1:12:40
  I am moving so slow whenever I go up a hill I literally watch
• 1:12:47
  the the fuel gauge on my truck go down by a fucking quarter.
• 1:12:51
  Every hill I go up dude. Every single hill.
• 1:12:55
  I see where the trip was going to take 11 days.
• 1:12:57
  Just eats gas, doesn't drink it, doesn't guzzle it eats that
• 1:13:03
  shit, puts it in a brick. Chomp chomp, chomp.
• 1:13:06
  Pac-Man gone. Greedy.
• 1:13:08
  Butthole truck. Greedy butthole truck dude.
• 1:13:11
  But my wife. Had to.
• 1:13:13
  Have that entertainment system so we're in Nebraska the
• 1:13:20
  straight shot of corn country. It is nothing but fucking Rover
• 1:13:25
  can hear you Nebraska. I I don't remember why I had to
• 1:13:31
  pull over something, something broke, something flew off,
• 1:13:34
  something went could clung and like it was no good.
• 1:13:37
  But my boys like fuck, fuck, we got to pull over, man.
• 1:13:40
  So we pull over and we we get it situated, we get everything
• 1:13:45
  back. Oh, a ratchet strap broke off
• 1:13:47
  the entertainment system and it was it was threatening to go
• 1:13:49
  flying. When I say entertainment system,
• 1:13:53
  I'm talking 7 foot by 7 foot, like 2 1/2 foot deep, made of
• 1:13:59
  plywood with drawers. Like I'm talking it did not make
• 1:14:04
  it into her dad's house because it would not fit through any
• 1:14:07
  fucking door. And this is what's threatening
• 1:14:13
  to tip my goddamn trailer and truck.
• 1:14:16
  So I had found a place to pull over.
• 1:14:20
  We hooked up a couple extra ratchet straps and now it's
• 1:14:25
  dusk, the sun is setting, it's hard to see and I'm trying to
• 1:14:30
  merge back onto traffic on what was a 2 lane highway and is now
• 1:14:34
  A1 lane highway and I'm trying to merge.
• 1:14:38
  I'm on the phone with my boy and just oh man, I was like, I was
• 1:14:45
  probably in about 30 miles an hour trying to get up to speed,
• 1:14:47
  but it's like a slug trying to wreath through an orgy.
• 1:14:50
  It's not going to happen in time.
• 1:14:53
  I am hammer to the fucking metal trying to get up to speed to
• 1:14:57
  merge and I just catch this fucking headlight pop up into my
• 1:15:02
  side view and I whipped that motherfucker hard to the right
• 1:15:05
  and smash on the brakes and I I'm talking by like inches.
• 1:15:10
  I miss just getting eaten by a fucking semi truck and my boys
• 1:15:15
  on the follow me and he just screaming fuck fuck no stop.
• 1:15:25
  So we're back on the. Road truck that did you this
• 1:15:27
  this way. We're back on the road.
• 1:15:31
  It's been a harrowing fucking six days, dude.
• 1:15:35
  I've lost weight, 3 lbs of an income.
• 1:15:41
  We hit the Michigan State line and we're on the far side of the
• 1:15:45
  mitten from Detroit and we're like Jesus Christ be with us.
• 1:15:55
  Oh my God, what an ordeal we've just been through.
• 1:16:03
  Be mummy one more time, wake up the next morning, hit the next
• 1:16:09
  300 miles across the state. What a fucking trip, fellas.
• 1:16:16
  Buddy, you think that was a trip?
• 1:16:17
  I just had to sit and listen to the fucking play by play as an
• 1:16:20
  answer to the weirdest place you cranked your hog.
• 1:16:23
  And guess what? I still don't know.
• 1:16:25
  I've jerked it all across this here country.
• 1:16:27
  Which one was the weirdest? Play that Johnny Cash song.
• 1:16:30
  I've been everywhere. I've cummed.
• 1:16:31
  Everywhere. OK, what's the weirdest?
• 1:16:35
  I'd I'd have to say on that mountaintop in Colorado.
• 1:16:38
  That was the most disgusting story I've ever heard.
• 1:16:41
  Dog cum. And trailers, I think I know
• 1:16:45
  we're going to title this. Episode disgusting.
• 1:16:48
  Dog cum with rifle and ratchet. How long have we been going
• 1:16:51
  Because it. Was like 11:00 I.
• 1:16:53
  Can't fucking that story took about 20 minutes probably buddy.
• 1:16:56
  I think that story took like. Three days it took.
• 1:16:59
  Three damn days it would took fucking 2308 miles worth of days
• 1:17:06
  is what a fucking in a. 98 GMC. 18 tanks of gas.
• 1:17:14
  Blood pods. Who's got good ice?
• 1:17:19
  You can see what our time's at. That's not good ice you had to
• 1:17:23
  get. Up.
• 1:17:24
  It's less than I thought. Is it like 40 minutes, hour and
• 1:17:28
  17? OK.
• 1:17:29
  It's not so close though. Not even don't lie to me.
• 1:17:32
  All right, anyways, back to the weekly recap.
• 1:17:36
  Jesus. Dog coming cheese.
• 1:17:39
  Anyway, I'm drinking blands, but it's not just firearms.
• 1:17:47
  It's dog calm and 98 GMC. 'S what else you got for dude?
• 1:17:56
  How far did we even make it into your recap?
• 1:17:58
  So we did the music thing. Yeah.
• 1:18:02
  I I turned 31, so two more years before I outlived Jesus.
• 1:18:07
  I fucking drove to Taylor from fucking California earlier
• 1:18:11
  today. Jimmy, what do you got for a
• 1:18:15
  fucking recap? It wasn't dog cum and it wasn't
• 1:18:21
  a 98 GMC so I have no. Fucking idea dog cum oh so
• 1:18:27
  disgusting. The same, I don't have to say.
• 1:18:30
  That is the car that you guys were riding it you.
• 1:18:32
  Guys thought I smelled dog cummy.
• 1:18:36
  All right, you should probably sell that I'm still.
• 1:18:41
  Have a warranty, I'm going to run it till the wheels fall.
• 1:18:43
  Off. Does it cover dog cum in the
• 1:18:45
  upholstery? What they don't know won't
• 1:18:47
  contaminate them. Not where I was going with that.
• 1:18:53
  They're gonna get dog Lamidia. What did I fucking?
• 1:18:58
  I had two things on my. List I don't know.
• 1:19:00
  Did you have dog Lamidia? I did not dog Aria.
• 1:19:03
  I haven't had dog. Aria, my bad.
• 1:19:04
  I'm. Gonna.
• 1:19:09
  Show you a picture. Damn I gotta even go back to the
• 1:19:12
  fucking. That story fucked me up.
• 1:19:15
  Dude how did the fuck do you think?
• 1:19:17
  I felt that story fucked me up. I can't.
• 1:19:20
  Have PTSD from the war, nearly as bad as I had it from that
• 1:19:24
  fucking drive dude. I.
• 1:19:29
  Near murders and near misses. Literally every fucking corner.
• 1:19:33
  Also, guys, I just want to say thank you so much for letting me
• 1:19:38
  tell that story. That's the first time.
• 1:19:40
  Thanks. That's the first time I've been
• 1:19:43
  able to ever really put it into words because my wife would not
• 1:19:47
  understand. My wife.
• 1:19:49
  My wife Luke, I hear, I hear, since I think Jimmy's coming up
• 1:19:54
  blank on his. No, I got it.
• 1:19:56
  I just, I had to, really. He's coming blanks.
• 1:19:59
  No, I come in buckets. Do we get a grow your own Jimmy
• 1:20:07
  kit? I'm basically Menards dude.
• 1:20:09
  I fucking sell them. It's like, it's like those GM
• 1:20:13
  pets. We just ahead of water come.
• 1:20:21
  It's just a Peach of eggs. I'm.
• 1:20:23
  Good with not talking about cum for a long time.
• 1:20:29
  Stay tuned for episode 20 where we just talk about come.
• 1:20:35
  Jesus Christ. So we had, I didn't know how I
• 1:20:41
  was going to segue into this story, but we were we had the
• 1:20:46
  kids and we did a big family nerf war in the house and it
• 1:20:52
  ended up being me versus family and I wrecked their shit.
• 1:20:58
  Dude. It was awesome.
• 1:21:00
  Like I I made sure to pick the the gun with the with the pious
• 1:21:05
  magazine capacity of held like 9 bullets.
• 1:21:08
  And I was smart because every time they'd shoot, I'd like go
• 1:21:11
  and pick it up and put it in my pocket and stuff.
• 1:21:13
  And I took I took, I fortified myself in the kitchen and my
• 1:21:20
  kitchen has because I live in AI live in a trailer.
• 1:21:23
  So my kitchen's got these counters that come in between
• 1:21:28
  the kitchen and the living room. And then from the living room
• 1:21:30
  was the bedroom that they were in.
• 1:21:33
  So I'm hiding behind the counters, I'm hiding behind the
• 1:21:37
  counter. So any, any time they pop out of
• 1:21:40
  their doorway, I can see them. But to make it better, I was
• 1:21:43
  taking cover. So I had my phone.
• 1:21:46
  I had my phone with Snapchat on. I turned the I turned the sleep
• 1:21:49
  off so it wouldn't go back to sleep and I had my camera set up
• 1:21:53
  right here where the trash can and then the trailer and then
• 1:21:56
  the cabinets so anytime they pop out I could check the camera and
• 1:21:59
  go and pop out. Dude I wrecked their shit.
• 1:22:03
  It was awesome. Highly recommend family nerf.
• 1:22:07
  Fights. Hang on, what's the layout of
• 1:22:08
  your kitchen? So you got your kitchen, living
• 1:22:11
  room, then bedroom? The layout of the kitchen.
• 1:22:14
  No, there's the the kitchen, it's an open, it's an open.
• 1:22:18
  So technically the whole trailer's, the kitchen basically
• 1:22:21
  OK open, open floor plan, you know, OK, open.
• 1:22:26
  Cons. So like one of the the cabinets
• 1:22:29
  come out in between like the living room and is it like a dog
• 1:22:32
  leg or like an island? Have that come with dog legs.
• 1:22:36
  It goes all the way from. It's not an island it it extends
• 1:22:43
  from the wall basically. It's like a peninsula.
• 1:22:45
  Yeah, it's like a dog, like. So all that cabinet come how
• 1:22:49
  much, how much time do you spend a week cleaning it up?
• 1:22:53
  I'm good on comedy, Luke ruined that for me.
• 1:22:59
  Luke ruin comfort. Yeah, I'm going to cry the next
• 1:23:02
  time I masturbate. Next time I.
• 1:23:05
  Think of Luke the next time I'm. Going to think of Luke's dog the
• 1:23:09
  next time I fucking masturbate. I can only be so honored.
• 1:23:13
  Not you, but your dog. Stupid ass story fucking the
• 1:23:16
  next cranking my dog. He's going to get one Dick
• 1:23:20
  looking for the video or one hand on the Dick looking for the
• 1:23:23
  video still and he's just going to hear.
• 1:23:27
  Straight up, dude, do you know the pain of seven days of
• 1:23:34
  hearing your dog lick his fucking Dick?
• 1:23:38
  We just sat through it. Just two.
• 1:23:42
  Dogs. Did they ever lick each other's
• 1:23:45
  sticks? Or was it?
• 1:23:46
  All they are gay for each other, Yes.
• 1:23:50
  Oh, gay dogs. So over this conversation.
• 1:23:54
  But they're yeah. Anyways.
• 1:23:57
  Where the fuck are we at in the show?
• 1:23:59
  Fucking ladies and gentlemen, I'm so sorry that I derailed
• 1:24:03
  this, but you know what? No, I'm not.
• 1:24:07
  This is fun. This is a good time for me.
• 1:24:09
  So anyways, family nerf war. You wrecked everybody.
• 1:24:11
  You basically practice killing a mother of two and three kids,
• 1:24:17
  so. It was awesome, highly recommend
• 1:24:19
  it. I did.
• 1:24:22
  I have. I actually have that on video
• 1:24:24
  with the doom music playing. Of a a Dick shot, yeah.
• 1:24:28
  Because I didn't want to shoot him in the face.
• 1:24:30
  It was. It was the two year old.
• 1:24:34
  He was the two you shot. A2 year old in the Dick.
• 1:24:41
  He got a diaper on. He was fine.
• 1:24:43
  He was because he had that. He had a gun in his hand.
• 1:24:47
  And Kemper his. Arm put him down, I.
• 1:24:50
  Couldn't shoot him in the gun and I couldn't shoot above the
• 1:24:52
  gun because that's his face. So I just went lower real quick
• 1:24:56
  shooting, then shot my son. It was awesome.
• 1:25:00
  Great. For anyone tuning into this
• 1:25:02
  episode now, yeah, it's a nerf war.
• 1:25:07
  It was it's, it's a lot of fun dude.
• 1:25:10
  I highly recommend it. Yeah, I'm getting stuffy, dude.
• 1:25:16
  I was sitting in the playroom the other night and I went and
• 1:25:20
  got the nerf guns we have like the the ones a single shot
• 1:25:22
  you've got a racket every time and Ridley is not big enough to
• 1:25:28
  cock the gun herself. Yeah, so I'll fucking cock the
• 1:25:34
  gun handed to her and she'll run to the other side of the
• 1:25:36
  playroom. But I've already shot her like 4
• 1:25:39
  times while she's running to the other side and she'll turn
• 1:25:43
  around and like, stop shooting me, OK, Then she'll like try to
• 1:25:51
  aim because the concept of aiming for a three-year old
• 1:25:54
  isn't there. And she'll just fucking miss.
• 1:25:56
  And I'll go, huh, you missed and shoot her the next two times
• 1:26:00
  because they're revolvers. And she gets pissed and she
• 1:26:02
  walks over to me and she cries about it.
• 1:26:04
  Then I'm like, all right, well you got to pick the Nerf darts
• 1:26:06
  up so we can do it again. And she's like, I don't want to
• 1:26:08
  do it again. I'm like OK, well you got to
• 1:26:10
  pick them up so we can clean them up and put them away.
• 1:26:13
  And so she'll pick them all up, we'll reload the guns and then
• 1:26:15
  she'll look at me and go again like yeah fuck, I'll shoot you 6
• 1:26:20
  more times. I don't give a fuck.
• 1:26:23
  I don't know what is this. Do music, do music.
• 1:26:30
  We can't play that, you fucking. You're right.
• 1:26:34
  But yeah, I fucking come through Pop.
• 1:26:38
  My son Charlie gets shot in the Dick.
• 1:26:44
  He's holding it like this, he said.
• 1:26:52
  I'm out to Skywalker. There's too many of them.
• 1:26:55
  What are we going to do? And he just went 66.
• 1:27:01
  I fucking took out a whole bloodline right there.
• 1:27:04
  Yeah, it was your. Bloodline.
• 1:27:08
  Getting wrong shit. Damn.
• 1:27:12
  No, I need, I don't need more Blanton's.
• 1:27:15
  I need to drive home and. I'm finally not.
• 1:27:17
  Driving all the way back to Maryland.
• 1:27:19
  Fucking hold. Hold my.
• 1:27:21
  Well, he ain't driving to California.
• 1:27:24
  Not after that trip. 64107 Southfield Rd.
• 1:27:32
  I think we have blown way past actually having a fucking topic
• 1:27:35
  for tonight. Yeah, it's.
• 1:27:36
  Fine, I think the topic for tonight was dog comp.
• 1:27:39
  Yeah, I. It wasn't supposed to be, but it
• 1:27:44
  still might not might be about aired.
• 1:27:47
  Episode No, this is getting aired.
• 1:27:49
  This is definitely. Back to spirit animals.
• 1:27:54
  Jesus. Mike, what's my spirit animal
• 1:27:56
  again? It's fucking.
• 1:27:57
  Disgusting. The the the the Benny the
• 1:28:00
  Raccoon. Yeah, so I made an AI image of
• 1:28:03
  Benny the Raccoon. He has prison tats and a
• 1:28:06
  campaign cover. It's fucking ripped.
• 1:28:09
  I think I put them in one of the episodes.
• 1:28:13
  That's a good AI bag right there with the fucking bending the
• 1:28:15
  raccoon on. It you know what we could do
• 1:28:16
  that we could do a couple bending the raccoon mags you're.
• 1:28:22
  Gonna have to take probably take the campaign cover off them
• 1:28:24
  because what? Zombie ex-wife AR15 mags with no
• 1:28:30
  hands. Actually, yeah, like actually,
• 1:28:34
  yeah, yo, yes, that could go pretty hard.
• 1:28:37
  It's. Gonna go hard as fuck.
• 1:28:41
  It's gonna make me cum that out. Dude I am stuffy as fuck all of
• 1:28:52
  a sudden. Have you tried blowing your
• 1:28:54
  nose? Would you would would you like
• 1:28:57
  to D my I? Haven't tried blowing anything.
• 1:29:00
  Well, maybe that's your problem. I got something.
• 1:29:04
  For him, yeah, I heard a. Dog.
• 1:29:11
  Go get the dog. A very 4 inch penis of you.
• 1:29:24
  A very 3 inch. Cock of you that needs to be on
• 1:29:31
  no no that needs to be on a dust cover you just God how very 3
• 1:29:35
  inch cock you got to get real close to see it just like a
• 1:29:38
  three inch cock. Before, before I leave, I want
• 1:29:43
  to see that that that Viking thing.
• 1:29:46
  I was going to try to let you leave with your gun tonight.
• 1:29:49
  Oh shit it it really really It won't take long if we can.
• 1:29:53
  Just like 5 minutes on the computer and I.
• 1:29:57
  Did you get the deer figured out well?
• 1:30:00
  I'm real close to getting the deer figured out.
• 1:30:04
  I have I have concepts of a plan.
• 1:30:06
  I'm gonna leave. I'm gonna leave the gun with you
• 1:30:08
  so you can file. It but then you have to oh fuck
• 1:30:11
  yeah I mean we we could we could do that too we have time it's
• 1:30:14
  already 10:30 at. Night, I know I got to work.
• 1:30:17
  I got to drive all the way to Wickham.
• 1:30:18
  Yeah, so it's another 10 minutes.
• 1:30:22
  Not a bad fucking counter argument.
• 1:30:25
  Right. Like because then on the other
• 1:30:27
  hand, you'd have to drive back to pick it up.
• 1:30:29
  That's fair. And that's gas and in this
• 1:30:33
  economy. You know what we no new.
• 1:30:37
  Wars. Except for like all the new
• 1:30:40
  wars, they're our greatest ally, everybody.
• 1:30:47
  We should do like the last 10 minutes of just Luke Griffin and
• 1:30:52
  his Trump voice. So they said.
• 1:30:57
  Keep it PG. Then I said dog come all over
• 1:31:03
  the leather seats. It's everywhere.
• 1:31:06
  I'm going to need you to detail this and can I get a discount?
• 1:31:11
  It sounds like a mixture. Between Donald Trump and Muscle
• 1:31:15
  man, so you know who else when they slip down the gas?
• 1:31:24
  You know, I was like, what's going to straight apartments
• 1:31:27
  your mom? So anyway, I told them yes.
• 1:31:33
  I told them it's going to be great.
• 1:31:36
  There'll be dog cum every. Stop it.
• 1:31:39
  Fucking dog cum. Fuck sake.
• 1:31:42
  OK, OK, I'm done. I'm done like a dog.
• 1:31:50
  Like a dog that blew all of its loads.
• 1:31:52
  I said we've got the best. Gum.
• 1:31:55
  It's America's gum and all the. The Gulf have come.
• 1:32:00
  Isn't it came all across America?
• 1:32:03
  Literally the entire length of it, from California to Detroit,
• 1:32:09
  just miles and miles of dogs come.
• 1:32:13
  All right, fuck sake. Oh, what a fucking episode.
• 1:32:18
  We didn't get anything done. I.
• 1:32:21
  Think just happened. In the last hour and a.
• 1:32:24
  Half Mike just came out of a fugue state.
• 1:32:27
  Drop your. Guns off.
• 1:32:32
  Trust your shit with this guy, he'll come on it.
• 1:32:38
  And if you type in promo code dog cum.
• 1:32:44
  You'll have $0.69 added to your order.
• 1:32:48
  I might actually give you if you if you e-mail
• 1:32:54
  rifleandratchet@gmail.com the words dog come DODCUMM.
• 1:33:05
  Got to be that second amber. No deal.
• 1:33:08
  I will ship you a Dino mag for free.
• 1:33:13
  Oh. My God, I'll Even so you are.
• 1:33:16
  So you are an FFL right? That is correct.
• 1:33:19
  I'm a class 7 FFL. I am a legal manufacturer.
• 1:33:23
  Of firearms, so if somebody wanted to have work done, they
• 1:33:26
  could ship you their. Gun.
• 1:33:27
  They can absolutely ship me their gun from an FFL of their
• 1:33:30
  choosing to me. Where's get get mine out real
• 1:33:35
  quick so I can show them? Oh, I'll whip yours out big.
• 1:33:37
  Boy, whip mine out real quick. What?
• 1:33:40
  We're going to come on it. I'm gonna come.
• 1:33:43
  I'm. Gonna come.
• 1:33:45
  Do not come. Do not.
• 1:33:47
  The dog's gonna come. The dog's gonna come.
• 1:33:55
  I'm. Really curious to see what the
• 1:33:57
  metrics of this episode. Are.
• 1:33:59
  Zero. Also, ladies and gentlemen of
• 1:34:02
  the jury, it got. Flagged before it even.
• 1:34:04
  Went This is my face. Just say you can go look up a
• 1:34:07
  picture of Ed Kemper. Yeah, that's also.
• 1:34:10
  See. It's not to add you to a list or
• 1:34:12
  anything. I mean don't touch his butt
• 1:34:15
  hole, that's greedy fucking back.
• 1:34:23
  I really got to pee and we met early.
• 1:34:29
  Twice. Weirdest place he's cracked
• 1:34:31
  massage because on the Three Damn Dudes podcast so I I was
• 1:34:35
  reminded of something for the recap.
• 1:34:39
  Are we back at the end? At the very end.
• 1:34:42
  Welcome to the three Damn. Dudes, he has bullet points and
• 1:34:47
  everything we all do. Usually.
• 1:34:50
  So yeah, I was reminded of, I don't know when I'm going to cut
• 1:34:54
  this back in. It's probably going to be right
• 1:34:57
  after Luke walks back in. Gentlemen, what the fuck?
• 1:35:01
  Don't you want to fuck me like you didn't just spend 35 minutes
• 1:35:04
  talking about dog cum? All right, so Ridley was in the
• 1:35:08
  bath the other day and she goes, yeah, with her cracked butt, she
• 1:35:15
  was going to step out of the bath, had one leg out.
• 1:35:21
  I wouldn't. I would not snip it.
• 1:35:24
  Put your Dick in it. Oh.
• 1:35:26
  Buggy. She had one leg out of the bath
• 1:35:29
  and one leg still in the bath. Fucking slips and just racks
• 1:35:34
  herself right on the edge of the tub.
• 1:35:37
  Damn right in and of itself. Not really that funny because I
• 1:35:41
  can imagine that would fucking suck.
• 1:35:44
  Like. I can't imagine that is a a
• 1:35:48
  pleasant experience, but her explanation of the events that
• 1:35:54
  occurred is what makes it fucking hilarious.
• 1:35:58
  So she comes out still like pain screaming because there's a
• 1:36:02
  difference. Finally calms herself down and
• 1:36:07
  I'm sitting on the couch, father of the year not doing fucking
• 1:36:10
  anything about it and she walks out.
• 1:36:15
  My wife is laughing, my daughter is not pain crying anymore but
• 1:36:21
  just like on the downswing and starting to calm down and I'm
• 1:36:25
  like what what happened and really goes I was getting out of
• 1:36:33
  the tub and I slipped and I hit my lady bits.
• 1:36:43
  Poor kid Luke just got flashbacks when he did that.
• 1:36:49
  Poor kid. But.
• 1:36:51
  Yeah, I hit my lady bits. So I obviously start fucking
• 1:36:56
  laughing hysterically because that's just fucking funny.
• 1:37:01
  And probably about an hour, half hour, hour later, my mom gets
• 1:37:07
  there to hang out with the kids before they go to bed, and then
• 1:37:11
  she's going to watch the baby monitor that night.
• 1:37:16
  But Ridley, just out of nowhere, decides that you know what?
• 1:37:22
  Grammy needs to hear about what happened in the bathtub.
• 1:37:25
  So Grammy sits down on the couch, and Ridley comes up all
• 1:37:28
  like, Grammy. Yeah, yeah.
• 1:37:32
  What's up, sweetheart? I was in the tub and I slipped
• 1:37:36
  and I hit my lady bits. And my mom, my St. of a mother,
• 1:37:43
  just goes, oh, are you OK? Ridley goes yeah, But it hurt.
• 1:37:55
  My mom goes yeah, yeah, it hurts when you slip and hit your lady
• 1:38:00
  bits. You know, hit your mom's lady
• 1:38:07
  bitch. OK.
• 1:38:08
  And moving on. No, go on.
• 1:38:13
  And this is that episode, whatever the fuck we're on of
• 1:38:15
  the Three Damn Dudes podcast. You a freak for real for that?
• 1:38:19
  One no go on is wild. It's not my mom.
• 1:38:26
  No. My buddy Jane Callahanzel, for
• 1:38:31
  for privacy reasons, he calls me up and he goes, hey man, sorry I
• 1:38:36
  can't make it to your party tonight.
• 1:38:38
  I have to go and spend the night with my girlfriend's mom and my
• 1:38:44
  girlfriend's grandma and I go hey yo granny a freak she needs
• 1:38:47
  something and he goes EW gross and I go but like our God is she
• 1:38:52
  a freak for real I got to know. Because I got a friend named
• 1:38:58
  Jimmy. Yo she take her teeth out or
• 1:39:02
  what? My favorite?
• 1:39:04
  Thing. Could you imagine what that
• 1:39:05
  would feel like though? A.
• 1:39:07
  Gummer don't have to imagine. You've got a Gummer.
• 1:39:11
  Anyway, so where the fuck did you get a Gummer?
• 1:39:15
  So look, I lived a very full life.
• 1:39:19
  And a marine? What?
• 1:39:21
  How the fuck did you find somebody with no teeth?
• 1:39:24
  I was finding all sorts of shit. Oh my God, what the fuck was I
• 1:39:28
  going to say? I don't know, but I hope you
• 1:39:32
  keep forgetting. Fuck it.
• 1:39:35
  Was probably that. Oh.
• 1:39:39
  Fucking look around and figure out what I was thinking about.
• 1:39:41
  He was in the dressing room at Spencer's where he met this cute
• 1:39:44
  old lady. We cut the teeth out and said
• 1:39:47
  can you help? Me.
• 1:39:49
  Can you help me? And he whipped out his dog and
• 1:39:54
  said yes. And she said.
• 1:39:57
  Oh. Is that spell dog?
• 1:40:04
  It's. Disgusting.
• 1:40:06
  Anyway, Jimmy, take it away. Jimmy, take it away.
• 1:40:12
  Like far away from here. Jimmy, you got any any saved
• 1:40:16
  rounds, alibis, shout outs, last calls?
• 1:40:19
  They sweet out there. I'm good.
• 1:40:22
  Luke, you got anything for our listeners?
• 1:40:24
  If you're going to go on a road trip with your dogs, make sure
• 1:40:27
  they're fixed. That's fair.
• 1:40:43
  Don't. Throw up.
• 1:40:58
  Water. Not on the rug it was.
• 1:41:13
  Like so oh, you got it off my knee.
• 1:41:20
  It's awful from my lap. Oh Jesus what the fuck you that
• 1:41:24
  made me do that? He fucking you fucking giving me
• 1:41:28
  the cringe. Oh dear Lord, it's.
• 1:41:40
  All over your leg too. Shot Beer, beer and dog gum.
• 1:41:52
  As I finished Dad's whiskey that he foolishly handed to me.
• 1:41:55
  Walk well. If you've made it this far in
• 1:42:00
  the episode, I want to say thank you.
• 1:42:06
  Yeah, promo code dog. I need your mailing address,
• 1:42:13
  your mother's maiden name, your second grade teacher, your name
• 1:42:18
  and his name. And I need your favorite color,
• 1:42:21
  your first dog's name, and the city you met your spouse in.
• 1:42:25
  Now I can get you that magazine no problem.
• 1:42:28
  Oh my God. Well, unfortunately, this is
• 1:42:34
  your weekly reminder to reach out to the dudes, the folks, the
• 1:42:37
  goons, the the fellas and the ladies that you went through the
• 1:42:40
  suck with. Stay in touch.
• 1:42:45
  And yeah, what the fuck just happened?
• 1:42:51
  Semper. Fidelis Yeah.
• 1:42:52
  OK, Uh huh. This has been another episode of
• 1:42:55
  the Three Damn Dudes podcast. We appreciate you guys for
• 1:42:58
  tuning in and sorry you tuned into this one.
• 1:43:01
  Good night. Love you.
• 1:43:02
  Bye.