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What Happens When Both Partners Have Avoidant Attachment? · Trauma Free Relationship

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Some of the biggest challenges I have with clients are when both
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partners tend to be or lean towards the avoidance style of
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the attachment and when we put this into a cycle, meaning that
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when there's a rupture in the relationship and disconnection
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becomes part of how they're relating, then we call this a
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withdraw withdraw cycle because both partners, due to their
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avoidance style of attachment tends to shut down and withdraw.
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And this creates a real challenge for most therapist,
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because what ends up happening is neither partner wants to talk
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about the issues, neither partner wants to rock the boat.
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Neither partner wants to upset the other or make things worse.
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So they end up in this sort of icy cold standoff.
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And and I pictured my my head sort of the old Westerns where
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it's 12 noon and both of them are facing off in the noonday
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sun in the middle of an Old Town in the middle of a street.
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And this is sort of the, you know, staring at each other,
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hands poised on right next to their guns.
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But nobody's drawing, Nobody's making a move.
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And this is sort of the picture that comes to my mind.
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And it's very difficult to get these people to try to engage,
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to get partners to try to open up when they both are leaning
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towards this avoidant style of attachment.
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And when both partners have this style, then we call that a
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withdrawal withdrawal cycle. And of course it's a protective
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move in both partners use withdrawing as a way to protect
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themselves when there's disconnection in the
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relationship. And as I've said, it's very
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difficult because neither partner feels safe enough to be
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vulnerable with the other and expose themselves enough to be
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able to communicate their wants and their needs in the
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relationship. So instead they sort of cling to
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their life raft of safety and they Bob helplessly alone in an
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ocean, desperate for a connection.
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The withdrawal withdrawal cycle, as I've said, is created from
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each partner having an avoidance style of attachment.
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Now to be clear, this is an unusual combination.
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Most couples are a mix between anxious and avoidant attachment
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and we call those cycles pursue withdraw cycles.
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So when one partner leans towards the an anxious style of
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attachment, the other partner leans towards an avoidance style
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of attachment, then they create what we call pursue withdrawal
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cycles. But if you have two partners
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that are both avoidant, then that is a withdrawal, withdrawal
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cycle. And So what happens if you're in
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a relationship when you're protective move is to withdrawal
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and your partner partners move is the same.
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What happens in that scenario? And we're facing off each other
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in the middle of the noonday sun, in the middle of the
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street, poised for action. And yet neither one of us are
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pulling the trigger. Neither one of us are moving
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towards the other, turning towards the other.
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And so instead what happens is you continue to escalate these
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cycles and until there's sort of this icy cold standoff.
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And yes, I'm aware that I'm mixing lots of different
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metaphors here. I'm just trying to bring this
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concept alive as as best I can and and so it's very difficult
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from a therapist standpoint to be able to work with partners
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when both are so reluctant and and the relationship feels so
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unsafe to begin to open up and engage.
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So that's what we're going to talk about today.
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Withdraw, withdraw cycles that are rooted in both partners
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leaning towards or being more of an avoidant style of attachment.
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Let's get started. Welcome to Trauma Free
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Relationship, a podcast that provides support and guidance to
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help heal the wounds of attachment trauma.
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Whether you find yourself struggling with unresolved
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issues in the past or have experienced trauma in your
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current relationship, our goal is to provide accurate,
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scientifically informed information as well as the tools
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to help you create a secure connection between you and your
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partner. And here's your host, Tom
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Phillip. OK, withdrawal withdrawal
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cycles. So as I mentioned in the in the
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opening withdrawal stem from an avoidance style of attachment
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and and this shows up in the relationship when there are
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ruptures or misattunements that lead to disconnection.
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Now, I want to emphasize again that much of this, as I said, it
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shows up in the relationship when there's enough safety in
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the relationship. Insecure attachment styles don't
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show up. They only show up when there's
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been a rupture, when there's been a disconnection and a break
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in the emotional bond, That's when these styles tend to show
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up. So if you're reflecting on your
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relationship and you were calling lots of times, world, I
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don't know if my partner's moving away or shutting down or
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withdrawing, or I don't know if I do it.
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That may be because you're connected most of the time to
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your partner. And when there's a secure
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connection, these insecure styles don't show up.
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But if you reflect on a time, you might be able to see that
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this pattern plays out when there's ruptures and
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disconnection that occurs. So I just want to recap for a
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moment, what does it mean when we talk about avoidance style of
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attachment? Well, there's certain things
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that happen that that indicate somebody has an avoidance style
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of attachment, and the first one is the avoidance of anxiety or
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fear. So they're moving away from from
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that which they feel uncomfortable with inside
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themselves. Obviously there's an
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interpersonal component because they're also moving away from
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their partner by avoiding conflict, avoiding arguments or
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any kind of tension in the relationship.
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And so when that tension rises, it creates feelings inside them.
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And they one, want to move away from the feeling.
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And they do so in part by shutting things down
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interpersonally, by dismissing their partners concerns, by
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deflecting, by minimizing. These are all tools in the
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avoidance arsenal that they use to avoid conflict, and most
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importantly, to avoid the anxiety that the conflicts bring
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up inside of them. They obviously shut down, they
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withdraw, and they might even physically remove themselves
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from their partner, all in an effort to control their own fear
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and their own anxiety. When that comes up for them,
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They get quiet when they're overwhelmed, and they may even
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appease their partner to stop the fight.
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OK, you're right. Yep.
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OK, that's fine. You're right.
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I get it. No, you're right.
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And so they're you. You can tell in the total voice
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like I just used their. They're not really agreeing, but
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they just don't want to argue. They don't want the the the
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anxiety and the tension that that emerges in the
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relationship. And so they use all of these
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tactics and these moves when they feel there's a threat to
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the relationship. And again, this could throw them
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into some past trauma. Maybe they get triggered and
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they feel like, OK, once again, I'm going to be left abandoned
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or rejected. Once again, I'm going to feel
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not good enough, like I can't measure up and so all that's
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kind of packed in internally in their withdrawing response.
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And again, all this is characterized by an avoidance
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style of attachment, which is you may or may not know is
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characterized by low anxiety and high avoidance.
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So the way they manage their anxiety is to immediately
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distance themselves from it. So they're not necessarily
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feeling anxious, they're not necessarily recognizing that
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they're anxious, but what they are doing is moving away from
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that feeling internally. And it looks like on the outside
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that they don't care, that they don't have a care in the world,
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that they that they are are sort of locked down from the outside.
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I I remember when I was working through some of my own past
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experiences and and hurts and wounds.
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I was in a a group setting and we were doing some role-playing
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as therapist and I started having tremendous amounts of
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emotion, tremendous amounts of fear and anxiety internally.
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But I wasn't saying much at all as a true avoidant or withdraw
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or myself. I was locked down and I remember
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a comment later from one of the therapists and supervisors that
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said that your eyes were screaming and and I believe that
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I really do. My body was locked down.
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I felt like I was trying to compose myself as much as
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possible and I'm sure my eyes were screaming.
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I'm sure they were speaking volumes in in in that particular
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scenario, but inside it was like a volcano was going off.
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So I think that's important to remember in each partner.
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And if you're a withdrawal and you have a withdrawing partner,
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you might reflect on the fact that what's happening inside
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them might very what much be the same of what's happening inside
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you, which is there's lots of anxiety, lots of tension, lots
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of of wanting to shut this down, wanting to move away, wanting
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there to be peace. And a lot of that is probably
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going on for the partner as well.
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So imagine if both partners use this style of coping during
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ruptures in the relationship. How can they ever get to a place
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where they can communicate what is really happening inside of
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one another? And how will they ever
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communicate what they really need from one another as long as
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they continue to move away from the tension and the anxiety that
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might lead to any repair of these ruptures?
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I I Another metaphor that sort of comes to mind for me is is
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like two partners on a tightrope and and they're walking towards
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each other and they're precariously having to balance
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the the tightrope itself so that neither one of them gets toppled
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over. They're walking towards each
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other because they crave each other's company and support and
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companionship. But the fear of falling makes
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them maintain a safe a safe distance from each other, so
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they reach out for more emotional connection.
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It's like taking a step towards each other on the type rope.
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It's a risky move and they can lead to greater closeness or a
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destabilizing tumble, right? So if either one of them makes
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too much of A sudden move, the whole thing could fall apart.
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So the withdrawal it is, it's like retreating back to the
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individual sides when they get back to their platforms.
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They're safe. It's not precarious, There's not
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so much of A risk of both of them falling.
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And so even though they're longing to move towards each
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other, the risk it takes and the balance it takes to not upset
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the rope enough that it the whole thing tumbles over, keeps
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them safe on each side. And so why they seek familiar
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comfort, why they excuse me, why they they long to be connected.
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They actually seek that comfort and that independence because
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that's what keeps them safe on each side.
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So that's kind of another way I like to think about this.
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You know, 22 partners. There's a standoff.
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If we use the old Western metaphor, both of them are
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poised to reach for their guns, yet they just stare at each
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other. And I also like the the idea
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that there's these two people balancing on a tightrope that
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desperately want to move towards each other.
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But it's such a risk because if they do, if one partner goes
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faster than the other, if one partner makes a more sudden move
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than the other, it becomes unsafe.
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And so as a result, they just retreat to each side of their
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platform and stay there in their safety.
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And yet longing deep down for a sense of connection, so much of
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the question becomes then, OK, we've got this withdrawal
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withdrawal cycle. How do couples de escalate these
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cycles? And when we talk about de
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escalating cycles, as you might have guessed, weren't in a
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withdrawal withdrawal cycle, you don't have a lot of high
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conflict with these couples. They're not raising their
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voices. They're not screaming or
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yelling. It's very, very rare if if they
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get to that point, but but they're still caught in this
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cycle. So when we say de escalate, what
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we really mean is how do they break out of these cycles so
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that they create enough safety within the relationship that
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they can begin to have the important conversations they
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really need to be having. And that we call de escalation
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because the cycles no longer dominating the relationship.
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The couple is able to break out of that and have moments of
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meeting with each other, real heartfelt, vulnerable meetings,
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even if it's just for a few minutes, even if it's just once
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a week. Can the couple de escalate
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enough to change that cycle so that it doesn't dominate the
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relationship? Well, there's three things I
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think I want you to reflect on. If you feel like you are caught
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in a withdrawal withdrawal cycle, the first thing I want
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you to reflect on is using the attachment lens to understand
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your partner's behavior. Often times what happens is when
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we get caught in our protective places, we can see all of the
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triggers and all the things our partners doing wrong without
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looking through an attachment lens.
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An attachment lens has certain built in assumptions to it.
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And one of the most basic assumptions of an attachment
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lens is that everybody deep down in their core, embedded in their
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DNA, is the need for a secure attachment.
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And that doesn't go away. No matter how much trauma there
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is, no matter the size of the wound, no matter how much is
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happened in that person's life or how quickly they move into
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their protective places, there is still embedded deep within
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them the need for a safe, secure connection.
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As John Bolby, the creator of attachment theory, says, from
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cradle to grave, we long for safe, secure connections.
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So I want to challenge you to look at your partner through
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that lens. And I know that's hard when
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you've been triggered. I know that's hard when that
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that trauma re emerges inside you, because it speaks of fear
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and it speaks of protection and everything your body's telling
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you in those moments is to be safe, to put up your walls, to
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retreat, to fight or flight. But I want to challenge you to
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try to create a lens through which you can see your partner
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that even if they are retreating, there is still a
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deep longing for them to have a safe, secure attachment with
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you. And in retreating and in with
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withdrawing, what they're actually doing is in a in a way,
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they are fighting for the relationship.
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They are advocating for the relationship, for the
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disconnection that's occurring. Now.
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They're doing it in a way that actually contributes to the
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cycle. It perpetuates the cycle because
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that's what protection does. Our defenses and our protective
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strategies actually perpetuate cycles further.
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That's why it's so important for us to learn how we protect
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ourselves and to try to take risks, to move out of that
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places of protection. That's why there's so much talk
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about vulnerability, because couples can really Only Connect
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through their vulnerability. So if you look at your partner
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through the lens of attachment, then what you're going to begin
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to see is that they're longing for a safe, secure connection
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with you. But they are stuck in places
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where they often don't know how to create that.
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And their defenses they're withdrawing is trying to keep
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them safe until they feel like they have the skills and
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abilities to to come out of their shell or to let down their
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walls and to re engage and maybe maybe you as a withdrawal can
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identify with that too. So again, we're talking about
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both partners here in a withdrawal withdrawal pattern.
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So if you understand that they're hurting, they're afraid,
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and they're lonely, then that using that attachment lens can
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sort of help reframe what it is you might be experiencing not
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only within yourself, but what your partner might be
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experiencing as well. Often times I'll do this with my
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couples. Matter of fact, it's one of the
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first things that I do. We call it attachifying
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behaviors. And what I will do is I will
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take a behavior and I will attachify it.
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Oh, I that makes sense to me. I get that.
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So you put up your walls to protect yourself because it
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feels very vulnerable to let down those walls, to let your
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partner see you in this place that you rarely show to anybody.
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And you're not sure how they're going to respond to it because
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you so long for them to see this part of you, But you're not
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comfortable. It doesn't feel safe when you're
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caught in these cycles to really let down your walls and to
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embrace a sense of connection so that you can feel really seen
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and really heard and really understood at a deep level.
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So that instead of focusing on the walls and and the the impact
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that wall creates. Because the person knows anybody
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that's put up walls knows that it's not a healthy place to be,
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knows that it doesn't get them closer to their goals.
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But they they feel helpless to be able to move out of that
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well. When I consistently with my
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couples, use an an an attachment lens, and I interpret their
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actions and behaviors and words through that lens, then it
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begins to shine a light on the other side of that protective
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wall, which is the longings and the hope and then the attachment
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needs that are beneath that. So I'd encourage you to try to
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see your partner. Through that attachment lens,
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and yourself as well, I should add, try to interpret your own
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behavior through that attachment lens.
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I got really mad. I got really upset.
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I raised my voice. Why?
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Because I so want my partner to hear me.
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I so want to have a connection and to feel close to my partner.
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And when I raise my voice, it's because my level of frustration
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is such that I don't have that connection.
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In some ways I am protesting that that disconnection.
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I'm protesting against our rupture because I so long and
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need and want that connection. So I challenge you to think
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about viewing yourself and your partner through that attachment
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lens. Now the second thing I want you
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to try to do is embrace your vulnerable emotion.
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And I did another podcast a while back on this where I
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talked about lingering in that vulnerability.
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You have to linger and hold that vulnerable, vulnerable emotion
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long enough that you can actually speak from that place.
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That's in part how we identify our attachment needs.
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And so, and that was in the podcast I believe.
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Identifying or understanding your attachment needs, well, you
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have to do that by by being able to linger in that vulnerable
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emotion. A a relationship can't survive
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without an emotional bond. A relationship is at the very
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heart an emotional bond. It it's not a negotiation.
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It's not a meeting of the minds. It is not a intellectual
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endeavor. All those things might be icing
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on the cake. You might be be really
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compatible intellectually with your partner.
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They might challenge you and broaden you to see certain
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things certain ways, and you love that about the
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relationship. But I promise you that
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intellectually, when there's a rupture, you're not responding
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because of their different ideology.
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You're responding because the emotional connection the
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emotional bond has been has been bent or severed or disconnected
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in those moments. So you know, not being able to
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reconnect, not being able to to rebond with our partner means
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that we end up living in this place of emotional starvation.
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And both partners end up feeling that way when we're caught in
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these with withdrawal, withdrawal cycles.
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So learning how to avoid your emotions with your partner,
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often you you try and make things worse by expressing them.
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You you don't want to speak up. And this is what I hear a lot,
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especially from from with withdrawal, withdrawal cycles
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and and and avoidant partners is I don't want to speak up because
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I don't want to make things worse.
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And it seems like every time I say something, I'm afraid it's
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going to make it worse. And I get that that makes total
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sense to me. But but by not doing that then
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what you're actually showing your partner is that you're not
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engaged and you're not responsive to what's happening
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in the relationship and that you're more, it's more still
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faced. So getting nothing is worse than
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getting something. And so I would challenge you to
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be able to embrace your vulnerable emotion and then be
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able to hold in that and linger in that long enough to engage in
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the relationship. And you can do, I mean this is
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an old, an old trick, but it often works and that is use I
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statements, I think I want, I need, I feel.
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And so you could even begin to break the ice, begin to engage
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by holding that vulnerable emotion long enough that you can
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begin to use I statements and say I feel so alone.
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When we are disconnected, I long to have a closer connection to
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you. I need to feel closer to you.
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I want to feel more loved and cared for.
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I feel it's missing in our relationship and I want to be a
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better partner to you and I want you to learn how to be a better
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partner to me. Those are all I think I want, I
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need, and I feel statements. Those are great ways to begin to
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open up and engage emotionally and be more responsive to your
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partner. And and then finally, there's
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one little caveat to withdraw withdrawal cycles that I've
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seen. And I want to throw this out
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there for for your understanding and education, 'cause I think
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it's important to know, as I said, these often are
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withdrawal. Withdrawal cycles are often not
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the primary cycles that couples get locked in that often times I
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see these as secondary cycles. What I mean is that often the
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cycle initiated which was more of a pursue withdrawal cycle.
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So one partner usually is more anxiously attached and pursues
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during disconnection and the other partner might be more of a
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true withdrawal and withdrawal during disconnection.
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But what can often happen is the pursuer can be come so exhausted
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in the relationship that they can actually become what we call
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an exhausted pursuer. So they just quit pursuing.
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So they look like a withdrawal, but they're not really a
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withdrawal by nature. And So what I've seen with some
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of my couples, especially when I see the with withdrawal
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withdrawal cycles is when I can get both of them to start
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engaging with each other again. That that can reignite the
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internal flame and and and one partner can go back to their
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normal, more anxious style because now they're starting to
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see some change in the relationship and now they're
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starting to see their partner engage more, which fills them up
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more, gives them more of what they need.
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So they are becoming less exhaustive, more active, more
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energized and more hopeful in being able to get what they want
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from the relationship. So it is possible that it
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withdraw, withdraw cycle, maybe that one partner's an exhausted
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pursuer. So it looks like they're
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withdrawing and in fact they are withdrawing.
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That's what they're doing. But it looks like they're a true
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withdrawal. When if we can begin to de
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escalate and restructure that then what really happens is you
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have that partner begin to re engage in the relationship and
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sometimes they're anxious pursuant nature comes back out
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and they start feeling hopeful because they start getting more
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of what they need. And then we can go back to a
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pursue withdrawal cycle and and deal with that as well if we
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need to in in therapy or in your own lives.
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So I I hope you've learned a little bit today about the
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withdrawal, withdrawal cycle. As I said, this is not the most
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common one, but it absolutely happens.
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It absolutely occurs And there are two partners that can be
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attracted to each other that are both more avoidant styles of
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attachment. And so you know, when there is
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that disconnection then it can create those withdrawal,
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withdrawal cycles. Hey, I want to thank you so much
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for listening. I I really am thankful for you
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all to appreciate it and I I I I've watched the numbers and I
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see who's tuning in and and people all across the world are
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listening to this and I just couldn't be more grateful for
28:05
it. I hope it's helpful.
28:06
I hope you're learning things from it.
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I hope it's impacting your relationships wherever you are
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and so don't forget you you are welcome to reach out at any
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time. I would love to help you guys
28:20
with these concepts. We can create a coaching call
28:23
anywhere in the world, so feel free to go to our website
28:27
traumafreerelationship.com. You can learn more about me,
28:30
learn more about the coaching and and I can meet you online
28:34
and we can dig into some of the things you're learning and
28:37
really help you and your partner and your relationship be more
28:41
fulfilling. Thank you once again and until
28:43
next time. We'll talk to you then.
28:46
Thank you for listening to Trauma Free Relationship, a
28:49
podcast for the healing of attachment trauma.
28:52
You can find us on Facebook, Instagram, or our website at
28:55
traumafreerelationship.com. Be sure to look for our next
28:59
episode on your favorite streaming service.