Latest / Recovery Chronicles / Recovery Chronicles Ep. 175 - Eric N.

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Recovery Chronicles Ep. 175 - Eric N. · Recovery Chronicles

• 0:05
  Speaker 1: Welcome to Recovery Chronicles. My name is John Tragg and
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: my sober date is June seventeenth, twenty nineteen. Join me
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: as we hear from people who are on this journe
• 0:14
  Speaker 1: that we call recovery. Okay, well, welcome to this episode
• 0:22
  Speaker 1: of Recovery Chronicles. This is John Tragg, and today I
• 0:25
  Speaker 1: have Eric with me, who's going to be sharing his story. Eric,
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: let's go ahead and just kick it off. So tell
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: me what is your sober date and what was your
• 0:36
  Speaker 1: drug of choice?
• 0:39
  Speaker 2: My name is Eric. I am an alcoholic. My drug
• 0:41
  Speaker 2: of choice is alcohol. My sobriety date is October fourth,
• 0:45
  Speaker 2: twenty twenty three.
• 0:47
  Speaker 1: Okay, so let's just kind of start off a little
• 0:50
  Speaker 1: bit on what when was the first time that you
• 0:54
  Speaker 1: recall that you had your first drink?
• 0:56
  Speaker 2: The first drink I can remember having was probably second
• 1:01
  Speaker 2: or third grade at a wedding. They were offering shots
• 1:05
  Speaker 2: of red eye or whatever you want to call it
• 1:11
  Speaker 2: to at the wedding reception, and I was allowed to
• 1:14
  Speaker 2: have a taste of it.
• 1:16
  Speaker 1: Sure, okay, so relatively young, relatively yes? And what time
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: or at your point in your life in your young life,
• 1:25
  Speaker 1: do you think that you know it became more of
• 1:28
  Speaker 1: something like I want to do this more often, or
• 1:31
  Speaker 1: it became more of a thing that was more of
• 1:33
  Speaker 1: your I mean, I think that the piece about you know,
• 1:36
  Speaker 1: having your first taste, we all kind of remember that,
• 1:38
  Speaker 1: but you know, where do you think it really started
• 1:41
  Speaker 1: kind of setting in?
• 1:42
  Speaker 2: I grew up in a sober household. My dad is
• 1:45
  Speaker 2: a recovering alcoholic and he was in the A program. So, like,
• 1:51
  Speaker 2: alcohol is always kind of taboo. And I remember, probably
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: sixth seventh grade, we had to family come for Thanksgiving.
• 2:03
  Speaker 2: There was never any alcohol in the house unless guests
• 2:07
  Speaker 2: brought it over, like in this occasion, and it was
• 2:10
  Speaker 2: some aunts and uncles that had brought some beer over.
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: They had left and left their beer behind. Well, me
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: and my brother and one of our friends had found
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: some of these beers, and uh, I think we each
• 2:22
  Speaker 2: got two or three of them. And that was my
• 2:25
  Speaker 2: real taste for alcohol where I caught that first initial
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: funny feeling.
• 2:31
  Speaker 1: Let's say, right, so, how old do you think you
• 2:34
  Speaker 1: were around that time?
• 2:35
  Speaker 2: Probaly twelve, thirteen years old, maybe fourteen, that's the oldest.
• 2:39
  Speaker 1: Sure, So okay, we've now had that, you know, that
• 2:43
  Speaker 1: first initial taste where did that lead you in terms
• 2:47
  Speaker 1: of in your teens and early twenties.
• 2:50
  Speaker 2: At that time, we had moved away. We were living
• 2:52
  Speaker 2: in Wisconsin at the time, and we had moved back
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: to North Dakota and getting reacquainted with old friends. The
• 3:03
  Speaker 2: time in between was was my junior high years in Wisconsin.
• 3:06
  Speaker 2: So when I came back, I had started high school
• 3:08
  Speaker 2: by then. You know, all things go where people are
• 3:11
  Speaker 2: finding their cliques and their groups and everything, and I
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: wanted to be like the cool kids. And the cool
• 3:17
  Speaker 2: kids drink, and I figured the more you drink, the
• 3:20
  Speaker 2: cooler you were. And it was it was ninth grade,
• 3:23
  Speaker 2: probably fourteen fifteen is the first time I got a
• 3:27
  Speaker 2: real enjoyment out of drinking. It was at back to school,
• 3:32
  Speaker 2: Labor Day weekend party.
• 3:34
  Speaker 1: Okay, so kind of getting into it then at that
• 3:39
  Speaker 1: point then any legal situations or any run into any of.
• 3:45
  Speaker 2: That in no, no, no, no legal problems until my
• 3:48
  Speaker 2: senior year. It was more family problems. My parents had
• 3:53
  Speaker 2: identified that I was having problems. I wasn't coming home
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: on the weekends. I've been caught drinking a couple of times,
• 4:00
  Speaker 2: but no legal problems till my senior year in high
• 4:04
  Speaker 2: school or by by then I had been drinking and
• 4:08
  Speaker 2: using other other substances and I got pulled over one
• 4:12
  Speaker 2: night minor possession. Possession or consumption one of the two,
• 4:19
  Speaker 2: I don't remember.
• 4:20
  Speaker 1: Sure, So you are also using some other things too,
• 4:26
  Speaker 1: and was that when you were using the other things?
• 4:31
  Speaker 1: Was was that the same kind of like watching onto
• 4:35
  Speaker 1: that the same as with the alcohol or how did
• 4:37
  Speaker 1: that work for you? Yeah?
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: I guess so you can say that I was. I
• 4:41
  Speaker 2: was curious about it because a lot of people are
• 4:42
  Speaker 2: doing it, you know. Then you know, I tried marijuana
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: and instantly understood why people did it. You know that
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: that feeling, that effect that it gave, and throughout my
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: high school it was, you know, stimulants and hallucinogens and
• 5:01
  Speaker 2: that altered feeling that we get from taking these drugs
• 5:04
  Speaker 2: and alcohol. You know, I enjoyed it. I felt released
• 5:09
  Speaker 2: from it. I don't think I was running from anything.
• 5:12
  Speaker 2: I felt more like I was running to something.
• 5:16
  Speaker 1: So kind of more that escape from just the.
• 5:21
  Speaker 2: Daily the daily end up fitting with the crowd that
• 5:24
  Speaker 2: I was running with at the time, that as well.
• 5:26
  Speaker 1: Sure, and I think as addicts, I think that's one
• 5:32
  Speaker 1: of the things that usually is how it starts, right
• 5:36
  Speaker 1: is we're hanging out with the crowd and following to
• 5:40
  Speaker 1: do the things that everyone else does. So what do
• 5:43
  Speaker 1: you think though, in terms of when you're still in
• 5:45
  Speaker 1: high school, do you think you're in a point where
• 5:47
  Speaker 1: it's like problematic? Is it more of a social social
• 5:51
  Speaker 1: piece of it still?
• 5:52
  Speaker 2: Yeah? I was thinking about this the other day, and
• 5:56
  Speaker 2: I think it was more of a social thing for
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: the most part. But I remember the first time I
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: drank out of anger where I was looking for that
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: escape from something, and you know, I was just throwing
• 6:10
  Speaker 2: the beers back, one after another after another. And I
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: think something changed that night where I found it was
• 6:20
  Speaker 2: more of an enjoyment thing, but you could be utilized
• 6:23
  Speaker 2: as an escape.
• 6:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah, And so what you recall the rest of the
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: evening then in terms of that escape? Did did anger
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: escalate for you or.
• 6:35
  Speaker 2: I really don't recall the details of that. It's just
• 6:38
  Speaker 2: I'm sure it was over probably a girl imagine that
• 6:42
  Speaker 2: I understood, but it was just I knew what alcohol
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: did to me. And when you know that, I feel
• 6:49
  Speaker 2: like I said that first time I drank out of
• 6:51
  Speaker 2: out of intense feelings or out of anger, and really
• 6:56
  Speaker 2: poured it on. It was it was a it was
• 6:59
  Speaker 2: a different feel. It was different for sure.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: So kind of tell us a little bit now where
• 7:05
  Speaker 1: we at in life in terms of so now you've
• 7:08
  Speaker 1: you've maybe utilized that from a different perspective right out
• 7:13
  Speaker 1: of anger. Where you think you're headed now at this point?
• 7:18
  Speaker 1: Where are you in terms? Are you still in school?
• 7:21
  Speaker 1: Have you finished school? What were you?
• 7:26
  Speaker 2: I'd finished up? I graduated at Devil's Like high school.
• 7:30
  Speaker 2: I took a year off from school. I was working
• 7:33
  Speaker 2: and partying and having a good time with friends and whatnot.
• 7:36
  Speaker 2: And that following fall a year and little a couple
• 7:40
  Speaker 2: of months off, I had moved to Denver, Colorado to
• 7:44
  Speaker 2: uh attend a tech school for aviation maintenance. Okay, and
• 7:48
  Speaker 2: at that time there are some older guys from from
• 7:51
  Speaker 2: the Devil's Lake area that were that were down in
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: the Denver area. So by the time I got there
• 7:57
  Speaker 2: already knew people. They were kind of scattered around a
• 8:00
  Speaker 2: little bit, but there was four or five of us
• 8:02
  Speaker 2: that were all within an hour, hour and a half
• 8:04
  Speaker 2: of each other, and the substance usually took off, you know,
• 8:10
  Speaker 2: they were cheaper, they were more available. I was kind
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: of in a college setting, so there was a lot
• 8:15
  Speaker 2: of drinking and a lot of partying going.
• 8:16
  Speaker 1: On, and so at that time too, besides the drinking
• 8:22
  Speaker 1: was still recreational use of other stuff too. Absolutely, Yeah,
• 8:27
  Speaker 1: what were you what was what were you using?
• 8:31
  Speaker 2: Stimulants and marijuana mostly those are my go tos, some
• 8:35
  Speaker 2: LSD and mushrooms when they were around.
• 8:38
  Speaker 1: Sure, do you recall at that point how you were
• 8:42
  Speaker 1: feeling physically when you weren't using, Like, how did you
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: feel with about that or at that time?
• 8:48
  Speaker 2: I really don't think it had uh had any adverse
• 8:51
  Speaker 2: effects on me where I was feeling sort of withdrawl
• 8:58
  Speaker 2: symptoms from when I did not have them or any
• 9:01
  Speaker 2: like mental issues that I felt like I was going
• 9:04
  Speaker 2: out of control or crazy or anything.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: Yeah, So not really at that point, not at that point, right, No,
• 9:13
  Speaker 1: And so then kind of share a little bit more
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: as far as that. So you you're in Denver and
• 9:21
  Speaker 1: starting to you know, you know some people you're using,
• 9:24
  Speaker 1: but what you know, what what kind of what was
• 9:27
  Speaker 1: that next level like or what did that look like
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: for you?
• 9:30
  Speaker 2: I started getting into the bar before my twenty first birthday,
• 9:33
  Speaker 2: you know, like I said, these guys that are hanging
• 9:35
  Speaker 2: out with here a couple of years older than I am.
• 9:38
  Speaker 2: So they started getting me into the bar and I
• 9:42
  Speaker 2: was drinking, not a lot during the week but enough,
• 9:46
  Speaker 2: but the weekends was heavily a lot of heavy drinking
• 9:49
  Speaker 2: on the weekends. And you know, it just it's just
• 9:54
  Speaker 2: you don't see it building, but it's just escalating, you know,
• 9:58
  Speaker 2: maybe not day by day, but definitely over the months.
• 10:01
  Speaker 2: You know, during that time that I was there, I
• 10:02
  Speaker 2: definitely escalated.
• 10:04
  Speaker 1: How did that affect you in terms of like the
• 10:07
  Speaker 1: rest of your life, Like what did that look like
• 10:11
  Speaker 1: as far as like from a like employment perspective or
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: relationships anything like that.
• 10:19
  Speaker 2: I felt that by that time that it had become
• 10:24
  Speaker 2: a part of my life. Maybe not quite a necessity yet,
• 10:28
  Speaker 2: but it felt like it was definitely a strong part
• 10:31
  Speaker 2: of what I wanted to include in my daily activities.
• 10:37
  Speaker 1: So sometimes you know when you're talking about that, and
• 10:42
  Speaker 1: for me it was like that too, or it was
• 10:45
  Speaker 1: just part of the day. But it wasn't like I
• 10:46
  Speaker 1: have to do it right like right now, we're later on.
• 10:50
  Speaker 1: It definitely got to that point.
• 10:51
  Speaker 2: But definitely looking forward to it at the end of it.
• 10:54
  Speaker 1: Right, Okay, so we're doing that so then what like
• 10:58
  Speaker 1: what what we're kind of the next piece is that?
• 11:00
  Speaker 1: And about how old were you then when it was.
• 11:03
  Speaker 2: I'd see this would have been early twenties, twenty one, twenty.
• 11:10
  Speaker 1: Two, okay, so of legal age about that.
• 11:15
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I'd finish up school in Denver and I moved
• 11:19
  Speaker 2: out to Everett, Washington. I took a job out there,
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: working for a Boying Aircraft repair station as a jet mechanic.
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: And when I moved out there, I didn't know anybody.
• 11:30
  Speaker 2: The closest person I knew was all the way across
• 11:33
  Speaker 2: Washington State into Montana, across Ida into Montana. I had
• 11:36
  Speaker 2: family out there, but you know, they were six hundred
• 11:40
  Speaker 2: miles away. So I found myself basically by myself alone,
• 11:45
  Speaker 2: living out on my own for the first time in
• 11:48
  Speaker 2: my early twenties, and obviously working for the airlines, they
• 11:54
  Speaker 2: did drug test so I had to put all that away,
• 11:57
  Speaker 2: put that aside, and that that's when my drinking really
• 12:01
  Speaker 2: started to become an issue.
• 12:04
  Speaker 1: So when you say you kind of put everything else aside,
• 12:07
  Speaker 1: was that something that was difficult for you?
• 12:10
  Speaker 2: You yes, and no, you know the marijuana, Yeah, that
• 12:15
  Speaker 2: was that was difficult. I was I was a daily smoker.
• 12:18
  Speaker 2: The stimulants and the other stuff and the meth and
• 12:20
  Speaker 2: everything else that was that was more recreational. But like
• 12:24
  Speaker 2: the marijuana was something I really enjoyed, and like I said,
• 12:28
  Speaker 2: I was a daily user of that. But you know,
• 12:32
  Speaker 2: I felt like the opportunity to do well in life
• 12:37
  Speaker 2: was worth putting that away for basically.
• 12:41
  Speaker 1: Which I mean, that's tremendous right there though, because you
• 12:44
  Speaker 1: doing that is huge. Yeah, And so that's good.
• 12:47
  Speaker 2: And I had the alcohol, you know, that's my that's
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: my that's h that's the star of my show.
• 12:54
  Speaker 1: Right. So okay, So in Washington now obviously working for
• 13:00
  Speaker 1: a great company. Yeah right, tell us a little bit
• 13:04
  Speaker 1: about I mean, how how did that work for you?
• 13:07
  Speaker 1: How did that kind of transition or shifted it? Did
• 13:11
  Speaker 1: it start to get to be the worst problem when
• 13:13
  Speaker 1: you were there? Or what happened?
• 13:15
  Speaker 2: Drinking? Yeah, that's all I had. So that's all I
• 13:18
  Speaker 2: was doing. Drinking in the evenings, drinking after work, drinking
• 13:24
  Speaker 2: on the weekends to excess where you know, I'd call
• 13:28
  Speaker 2: in a few days here and there, showing up hungover,
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: showing up under the influence. Still And that went on
• 13:36
  Speaker 2: for probably a year, year and a half. I think
• 13:40
  Speaker 2: a lot of it had to do that I was lonely,
• 13:42
  Speaker 2: you know, I didn't know anybody out there. I was
• 13:43
  Speaker 2: starting my life completely by myself. I had no no
• 13:45
  Speaker 2: connections out there. And the drinking laws out there a
• 13:53
  Speaker 2: little bit different than they are around here. They're very
• 13:56
  Speaker 2: very strict on things out there. A lot of the
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: bars had breathalyzers and they'd cut you off early, you know,
• 14:03
  Speaker 2: if they thought you were under the influence, they'd cut
• 14:05
  Speaker 2: you off. The guys working the door checking id d's,
• 14:08
  Speaker 2: if you were leaving, they'd offer to call you a cab.
• 14:14
  Speaker 2: They have state owned liquor stores out there. Ever, at
• 14:17
  Speaker 2: the time, it was about one hundred thousand people, and
• 14:18
  Speaker 2: I think they had two liquor stores in the town.
• 14:21
  Speaker 2: I mean, you can buy beer and wine just about anywhere,
• 14:23
  Speaker 2: but if you wanted a hard liquor, there was two
• 14:25
  Speaker 2: liquor stores in town that you could go to.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: So was what was your preference at that time?
• 14:32
  Speaker 2: Whiskey, beer and whiskey. At that time, this is what
• 14:34
  Speaker 2: I enjoyed, So.
• 14:38
  Speaker 1: I think as something else that if you aren't an alcoholic,
• 14:43
  Speaker 1: you don't necessarily think about this. But in areas where
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: there are a lot of liquor stores. You typically liquor
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: store jump, right, because you don't want people to the
• 14:52
  Speaker 1: same people to know that you're constantly coming in there
• 14:55
  Speaker 1: for two or.
• 14:55
  Speaker 2: Three times a day. They kind of you got a problem.
• 15:00
  Speaker 1: So when you were two liquor stores in your town,
• 15:03
  Speaker 1: I mean that's something that you know, what did what
• 15:08
  Speaker 1: did that look like for you? Then? I mean I
• 15:10
  Speaker 1: want to be real raw and real clear about that
• 15:12
  Speaker 1: because it's again not something that people think about necessarily.
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: I didn't drink a lot of liquor. You're like off
• 15:18
  Speaker 2: sale liquor at that time, it was more beer because
• 15:20
  Speaker 2: it was two blocks down the road instead of three
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: miles across town. So it's you know, I didn't go
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: to the liquor store often, okay, if bad liquor was
• 15:30
  Speaker 2: usually at the bar, and like going to the liquor
• 15:34
  Speaker 2: stores maybe once, maybe twice a week, it wasn't very often.
• 15:38
  Speaker 1: Okay, So then tell me about about from moving forward
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: now it's in the in the isolation piece of it.
• 15:46
  Speaker 1: I totally get that, and I think that's something unfortunately
• 15:50
  Speaker 1: that I think a lot of users struggle with. Right,
• 15:54
  Speaker 1: it becomes one of your best friends.
• 15:55
  Speaker 2: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely my only friend.
• 15:58
  Speaker 1: Well, yeah, you know, really, I think the thing is
• 16:01
  Speaker 1: is it's always there for you, right kind of thing,
• 16:04
  Speaker 1: And you know, I mean not necessarily you're looking at
• 16:06
  Speaker 1: it from that exact angle. But then the reality is
• 16:10
  Speaker 1: is it's something that you know that you're going to do,
• 16:12
  Speaker 1: and it's and it's kind of becomes that consistent.
• 16:17
  Speaker 3: Consistence of it.
• 16:18
  Speaker 2: It's always there.
• 16:19
  Speaker 1: So what happens next, you know, where are you at
• 16:23
  Speaker 1: or what's what's kind of moving you to the next
• 16:27
  Speaker 1: part of your addiction.
• 16:28
  Speaker 2: I realized I had a problem and it was out
• 16:31
  Speaker 2: of control. I came back to North Dakota in the
• 16:36
  Speaker 2: summer of two thousand and was looking for reab By
• 16:40
  Speaker 2: this point, okay, I would have been twenty three at
• 16:44
  Speaker 2: the time. I had twenty three at the time, and
• 16:50
  Speaker 2: I went to an outpatient program and it was it
• 16:54
  Speaker 2: was an utter failure. You know, I was only going
• 16:59
  Speaker 2: three days a week or for a couple hours a night,
• 17:03
  Speaker 2: drinking between classes, drinking on the weekend, sorted smoking pot again.
• 17:10
  Speaker 2: And eventually, you know, they gave me a couple of chances,
• 17:13
  Speaker 2: and finally, you know, I was honest with them that
• 17:15
  Speaker 2: I was that I had a couple of beers, a couple.
• 17:18
  Speaker 2: We all know what a couple is.
• 17:22
  Speaker 1: Yeah, and.
• 17:26
  Speaker 2: Then I was smoking. I failed a couple of drug
• 17:27
  Speaker 2: tests and they gave me the option either you can
• 17:29
  Speaker 2: either check into impatient or we're going to dismiss you.
• 17:35
  Speaker 2: So I was not ready for inpatient treatment, so I
• 17:42
  Speaker 2: opted just just to quit. I walked out. I get
• 17:46
  Speaker 2: back to Washington. They find out that I was dismissed
• 17:50
  Speaker 2: or didn't complete my treatment, and I was fired for
• 17:53
  Speaker 2: my job.
• 17:56
  Speaker 3: Okay, well, the.
• 17:57
  Speaker 2: The FA doesn't, like, you know, their mechanics to be
• 18:00
  Speaker 2: drug addicited, alcoholics and rightfully.
• 18:03
  Speaker 1: Sol right, okay, so what but when you went to treatment,
• 18:07
  Speaker 1: let's just backtrack just a bit. That was that all
• 18:10
  Speaker 1: driven from from you choosing to do that?
• 18:13
  Speaker 2: That was yeah, that was that was my choice. I
• 18:15
  Speaker 2: chucked myself in and it was under no legal problems
• 18:18
  Speaker 2: at that time.
• 18:19
  Speaker 1: Okay, So now fast forward back. You're you're in Washington
• 18:24
  Speaker 1: now now we're unemployed, No, we're unemployed, all right, So
• 18:30
  Speaker 1: the medicine for stuff that like kind of like that
• 18:35
  Speaker 1: tell me about how you handle that or how you
• 18:38
  Speaker 1: we're coping with that?
• 18:39
  Speaker 2: Did you when I moved back to Washington After treatment,
• 18:42
  Speaker 2: a friend of mine from North Dakota moved back with me.
• 18:44
  Speaker 3: Okay, I get fired.
• 18:47
  Speaker 2: He's in the restaurant industry business, and we start partying
• 18:54
  Speaker 2: all the time. You know, I'm drinking again. He's meeting people,
• 19:00
  Speaker 2: drugs are reintroducing my life on a regular basis. And
• 19:04
  Speaker 2: this went on for a couple of years, and I
• 19:08
  Speaker 2: eventually moved back to North Dakota in two thousand and
• 19:13
  Speaker 2: the end of twenty twenty two.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: Okay, And that was just a choice that you.
• 19:17
  Speaker 2: Made, it, that was a choice I made. I was
• 19:19
  Speaker 2: I was homesick. I was homesick. That's what it boiled
• 19:22
  Speaker 2: down to.
• 19:23
  Speaker 1: Okay, tell me a little bit about your family situation
• 19:28
  Speaker 1: at that point, Like, where was anyone like, hey, you
• 19:32
  Speaker 1: know what.
• 19:33
  Speaker 2: Concern Yeah, oh my god, they've been Yeah, they've been
• 19:35
  Speaker 2: in concerns since high school.
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: Okay, So tell me about that though. How did they
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: express their concern and how did that go for you?
• 19:43
  Speaker 2: Bo I moved back and moved back to North Dakota,
• 19:46
  Speaker 2: and I moved in with my mom and dad, and
• 19:50
  Speaker 2: I was in and out of the house all the time.
• 19:52
  Speaker 2: I was an adult, but I was living on my
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: mom and dads you know, I was a responsible adoult
• 19:56
  Speaker 2: living up with my folks, whatever that means, and going
• 20:00
  Speaker 2: out to the bars, reading in trouble with old friends
• 20:03
  Speaker 2: and everything. And you know, they they were They've always
• 20:07
  Speaker 2: been concerned since high school with my drinking problem. I
• 20:10
  Speaker 2: come from, like I said, a family of alcoholics. My
• 20:14
  Speaker 2: mom was raised by one, she married one, now she's
• 20:16
  Speaker 2: raising one. You know, I have an older brother and
• 20:21
  Speaker 2: a younger brother, both in and out of addiction issues
• 20:24
  Speaker 2: at this time.
• 20:26
  Speaker 1: So clearly it's across the family.
• 20:29
  Speaker 2: It's across the family, and it's it's it was never
• 20:32
  Speaker 2: a secret. You know, I never tried to hide it.
• 20:34
  Speaker 2: It was always it's always been very open and on
• 20:37
  Speaker 2: the open for everyone to know.
• 20:40
  Speaker 1: What was your reaction when they expressed concern to you directly?
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: I brushed it off. It's not as bad as you
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: think it is. I'll be okay, I'll be okay, everything's fine.
• 20:54
  Speaker 1: What do you think. How about your brothers? I mean,
• 20:57
  Speaker 1: were they also same kind of situation where you know, it.
• 21:02
  Speaker 2: Was my older brother he was living in Bismarck here
• 21:08
  Speaker 2: at the time, so it was Oh, I can't speak
• 21:11
  Speaker 2: for them, but my younger brother, he was running with
• 21:15
  Speaker 2: some guys that were under investigation. The FBI was involved,
• 21:19
  Speaker 2: and he'd skate by that. But you know, some of
• 21:23
  Speaker 2: the guys he was running with got in some some
• 21:25
  Speaker 2: pretty hapty sentences.
• 21:26
  Speaker 1: Yeah shoot, okay, So all right, we're back here to Bismarck.
• 21:31
  Speaker 1: Then reconnected with friends and you know that there's probably
• 21:38
  Speaker 1: something going on, and you know that you know it's
• 21:41
  Speaker 1: an issue, right, So what what are you up to though,
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: in terms of are you working somewhere?
• 21:50
  Speaker 2: My dad owned a construction company, concrete construction, and I
• 21:53
  Speaker 2: was working for my dad.
• 21:55
  Speaker 1: Okay, how did that go along with lifestyle?
• 22:00
  Speaker 2: Well, he's a recovery alcoholic. You know, it's pretty tough
• 22:03
  Speaker 2: to hide that you're hungover in the morning when he
• 22:06
  Speaker 2: knows the symptoms and he knows your your history, he
• 22:09
  Speaker 2: knows your path or your behaviors. It wasn't it wasn't
• 22:15
  Speaker 2: very pleasurable. He'd work the hall.
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: Audio if Yeah, So, but you still stayed I still stayed. Yeah,
• 22:23
  Speaker 1: I stayed employed. Okay, how do you think your coworkers
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: felt about that?
• 22:29
  Speaker 2: Well? What one was my brother and the other guys
• 22:33
  Speaker 2: they were all kind of in the same mix, well,
• 22:36
  Speaker 2: kind of had issues and problems of one sort of
• 22:38
  Speaker 2: one sort of another.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: Okay, so what led you then to your next round
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: of treatment?
• 22:45
  Speaker 2: Like, let's see, my next rounded treatment was in two
• 22:52
  Speaker 2: thousand and seven. I'd moved from Devil's Lake to Bismarck
• 22:57
  Speaker 2: here and by this by this time, I had met
• 23:01
  Speaker 2: a lady. We had a young son, he was two
• 23:06
  Speaker 2: at the time. We'd moved down here to Bismarck. There's
• 23:10
  Speaker 2: a job opportunity to open up, and I came down
• 23:12
  Speaker 2: for and it was obvious I have a drinking problem
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: and I'm drinking all the time. But I'd gotten a
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: d uy one night and uh possession of marijuana. The
• 23:29
  Speaker 2: weekend before I had corked for that, I got picked
• 23:31
  Speaker 2: up again for d u I and drunk paraphernalia. And
• 23:38
  Speaker 2: it was at that point where it's like I got
• 23:40
  Speaker 2: a problem, I got an issue. This is this and
• 23:43
  Speaker 2: you know I've got a young family here where excuse me.
• 23:48
  Speaker 2: There was between the first time that I went and
• 23:50
  Speaker 2: the second time I went. It's like the first time
• 23:52
  Speaker 2: it was like I needed a break. The second time
• 23:55
  Speaker 2: it's like, Okay, I need to stop, I need to
• 23:57
  Speaker 2: quit this. There's there's all the people's lives that are
• 24:01
  Speaker 2: in my hands. That a lot of responsibility, and I'm
• 24:06
  Speaker 2: ready to take it on a shot at this so
• 24:09
  Speaker 2: I did. I went to an all patient treatment here
• 24:11
  Speaker 2: in Bismarck. I went through Hartview and early two thousands
• 24:16
  Speaker 2: with this time of the year February March, I went
• 24:19
  Speaker 2: through all patient treatment. I worked the program. I would
• 24:25
  Speaker 2: say I worked the program, but I went to a
• 24:26
  Speaker 2: lot of a meetings and I was serious about my recovery.
• 24:31
  Speaker 2: And over the course of the next four years, things
• 24:33
  Speaker 2: were really good. I'm not going to say completely abstained,
• 24:40
  Speaker 2: but as far as everyone knew, I did. OK. My
• 24:46
  Speaker 2: kids's mom was from Wisconsin, and every summer she'd go
• 24:50
  Speaker 2: out there for a couple of weeks or a month
• 24:53
  Speaker 2: over the next four years, and that's that's when I
• 24:55
  Speaker 2: would drink as well. She was gone. Nobody nobody knew
• 24:59
  Speaker 2: a thing right right, as far as I knew knowing
• 25:03
  Speaker 2: it was never brought to my attention. Anybody knew anything.
• 25:05
  Speaker 2: I thought I hit it, well, she'd come back, I'd quit,
• 25:08
  Speaker 2: no problems. You know, life was good. You know, I
• 25:11
  Speaker 2: had money in my account, eventually got my driver's license back.
• 25:16
  Speaker 2: I lost it for two years, but I eventually got
• 25:19
  Speaker 2: that there was money in the bank. Job was going well,
• 25:23
  Speaker 2: family life was going well. You know, I met her
• 25:26
  Speaker 2: while still actively using and drinking. I'd sobered up. Life
• 25:31
  Speaker 2: was good. It was really good. And then twenty ten
• 25:34
  Speaker 2: we moved back the Devil's Lake and there's not a
• 25:41
  Speaker 2: lot of a meetings up there, so I kind of
• 25:43
  Speaker 2: fell out of AA. We're living out in the country
• 25:45
  Speaker 2: on this farm and not a lot of opportunities for
• 25:51
  Speaker 2: you know, to do meetings. Not that I was really
• 25:55
  Speaker 2: looking for him, because I thought things were good and
• 25:56
  Speaker 2: under control, and so things were going on. Her cousin
• 26:02
  Speaker 2: had had one of those destination weddings in Jamaica that
• 26:07
  Speaker 2: would have been like twenty eleven, twenty twelve, and even
• 26:10
  Speaker 2: prior to that, you know, I started plotting and planning.
• 26:14
  Speaker 2: I've been good for a while, things are going all right.
• 26:17
  Speaker 2: You know this all exclusive resort drinks are included. And
• 26:22
  Speaker 2: before we even got there, I had had planned, you know,
• 26:26
  Speaker 2: basically a relapse.
• 26:28
  Speaker 3: Did she know about that not till that first night, Okay, and.
• 26:36
  Speaker 2: You know what I and I remember, I remember very clearly.
• 26:38
  Speaker 2: It's like, well, I'm going to do this, and so
• 26:40
  Speaker 2: I had that first drink in my hand, and like
• 26:43
  Speaker 2: I said, before, she had seen me active drinking and using,
• 26:47
  Speaker 2: she'd seen me sober up the last few years. And
• 26:50
  Speaker 2: that first night we were there, I had drink in
• 26:52
  Speaker 2: hand and she looked at me and she just said,
• 26:54
  Speaker 2: this better not become a problem.
• 26:57
  Speaker 3: Oh no, babe, my god.
• 26:59
  Speaker 2: It for a week, everything will be fine.
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: So the dreaded next morning? How did that go for you?
• 27:09
  Speaker 1: I mean, I know that you said that you knew
• 27:11
  Speaker 1: you were going to right, but that nasty bit of
• 27:20
  Speaker 1: anxiety that sneaks up in on you. How did that
• 27:23
  Speaker 1: go for you the next day? Did you?
• 27:25
  Speaker 2: Did I have remorse over it? Yeah? Like not really? Okay, Well,
• 27:29
  Speaker 2: like I said, I plan to have a good time
• 27:31
  Speaker 2: while I was there, Kim, there was no real issues
• 27:37
  Speaker 2: or problems. You know, she just she wasn't really happy
• 27:41
  Speaker 2: about it. I'll say that she never really expressed that,
• 27:44
  Speaker 2: but you know, by this time, we've been together eight
• 27:48
  Speaker 2: nine years and you kind of get to know someone
• 27:50
  Speaker 2: pretty well by then, and she wasn't really impressed with it.
• 27:55
  Speaker 1: Does anyone else in the family Are they aware of
• 27:57
  Speaker 1: this entire situation or is this just something that's kind
• 28:00
  Speaker 1: of known between you and her with my with the
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: drinking and that that you had been sober.
• 28:07
  Speaker 2: I'm not really sure it was. It was her side
• 28:09
  Speaker 2: of the family, so you know, I really don't know
• 28:11
  Speaker 2: if they were aware of my.
• 28:13
  Speaker 3: Okay, my problems.
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: So what happens when we trip is over, parties over
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: and then what how does that work for you?
• 28:20
  Speaker 2: To well, we come back, we get back. This is
• 28:23
  Speaker 2: in the winter where I'm kind of laid off during
• 28:25
  Speaker 2: the wintertime, sitting around the house a lot, Like I said,
• 28:28
  Speaker 2: we're living in the country, on this farm farm. Instead,
• 28:32
  Speaker 2: she'd run the kids to school during the day, go
• 28:34
  Speaker 2: to work. I got a lot of free time on
• 28:37
  Speaker 2: my hands, and drinking a couple of days a week
• 28:43
  Speaker 2: turns into a couple of times the night, and it
• 28:48
  Speaker 2: quickly progresses, and it quickly becomes a problem at home
• 28:54
  Speaker 2: that my old actions and behaviors were starting to rear
• 28:57
  Speaker 2: up again. Was never physically abusive towards her, but verbally absolutely,
• 29:04
  Speaker 2: you know, verbally, emotionally, mentally absolutely, And that started coming
• 29:10
  Speaker 2: out and she was getting tired of it really quickly.
• 29:16
  Speaker 2: And I don't blame her, you know, I don't. I
• 29:18
  Speaker 2: don't blame her, right, It's kind of like the doctor
• 29:22
  Speaker 2: Jackel mister Hyde situation where he's a really nice guy
• 29:26
  Speaker 2: when he's sober, but when he starts drinking, I'll bets
• 29:30
  Speaker 2: are off.
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: So how about your kids or your child Let's see,
• 29:37
  Speaker 1: my oldest would have been.
• 29:41
  Speaker 2: Six seven years old at this time, okay, and my
• 29:45
  Speaker 2: youngest was it would have been about three.
• 29:47
  Speaker 3: He was pretty little, okay.
• 29:50
  Speaker 2: So there was a lot of arguing, a lot of
• 29:53
  Speaker 2: screaming and yelling and what not going on, and doors
• 29:56
  Speaker 2: getting slammed, and yeah, it started getting ugly pretty quick.
• 30:02
  Speaker 2: You know, she was tired of me. I was tired
• 30:04
  Speaker 2: of her, and she moved out. She took the kids,
• 30:09
  Speaker 2: moved out.
• 30:12
  Speaker 1: So then they're gone.
• 30:16
  Speaker 2: They're gone. They moved They moved into town with my
• 30:19
  Speaker 2: mom and dad.
• 30:20
  Speaker 1: Okay, so that'll be with your parents and parents. Yeah,
• 30:24
  Speaker 1: how does how does that look like for you?
• 30:27
  Speaker 2: Then twenty thirteen, I tried to rehab again. I was
• 30:33
  Speaker 2: trying to amend this relationship with her. I think it
• 30:37
  Speaker 2: was more for the kid's sake than wanting to be
• 30:39
  Speaker 2: with her. It was more to keep the family together.
• 30:45
  Speaker 2: But by then I think the damage was done and
• 30:47
  Speaker 2: she had emotionally checked out of the relationship. A long
• 30:50
  Speaker 2: time ago. It was a matter of time of her
• 30:52
  Speaker 2: getting her ducks in her rope before she was get
• 30:55
  Speaker 2: up make the final pull out.
• 30:57
  Speaker 1: Sure, all right, so you're again, where did.
• 31:01
  Speaker 2: You go through Pray, Saint John's and Fargo?
• 31:03
  Speaker 1: Sure? Okay? And so how long were you there?
• 31:07
  Speaker 2: That time would have been six six weeks, seven weeks
• 31:11
  Speaker 2: in patient treatment?
• 31:13
  Speaker 1: Okay? And how did that? How did that go for you?
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: How did you feel about it?
• 31:21
  Speaker 2: It felt good to be sober and in the clear
• 31:24
  Speaker 2: up because like prior to me and going in there,
• 31:26
  Speaker 2: and I had been separated for a while and it
• 31:28
  Speaker 2: was just I was I was rather depressed over the breakup,
• 31:33
  Speaker 2: the anxiety of what's going to happen. This is when
• 31:36
  Speaker 2: I really started noticing like a the uh, the mental deterioration,
• 31:42
  Speaker 2: the mental aspect of my addiction, or it's really starting
• 31:47
  Speaker 2: to wear on on my mind.
• 31:51
  Speaker 1: And so when you say that, are you referring to
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: more of the depression side of it, anxiety bowl full
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: other things?
• 32:00
  Speaker 2: Things? Yeah, you know, it just felt like I'd ruined
• 32:03
  Speaker 2: my family. I was I was a wreck. I was
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: a complete wreck.
• 32:09
  Speaker 1: So we complete the treatment or finished that up, and
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: then so then what is you know, what is their
• 32:15
  Speaker 1: next step in terms of your journey.
• 32:17
  Speaker 2: I was sober, not very long month, maybe two. I'd
• 32:21
  Speaker 2: moved in with a friend in Fargo, worked the winter
• 32:25
  Speaker 2: out there, moved back to the Devil's Lake area briefly
• 32:34
  Speaker 2: immediately started drinking and using again full bloor. You know,
• 32:39
  Speaker 2: there's wasn't what wasn't really easy into it, kind of lost,
• 32:43
  Speaker 2: not knowing what to do, where to go, what my
• 32:46
  Speaker 2: place in life was at The alcoholthn fetamine use was
• 32:53
  Speaker 2: pretty high at this time. I moved back to Bismarck
• 32:57
  Speaker 2: here again, and I've been all over this state by
• 33:00
  Speaker 2: it seems like I can't plan my feet for more
• 33:01
  Speaker 2: than very long, a couple of months, maybe a couple
• 33:04
  Speaker 2: of years at most. Came back to Bismarck in twenty
• 33:07
  Speaker 2: fifteen and was heavily into drinking, math usage company that
• 33:16
  Speaker 2: i'd priorly worked where previously worked for and a failing
• 33:20
  Speaker 2: at drug test there they fired me. Trying another place,
• 33:23
  Speaker 2: got tired of that, left there, moved back to Devil's
• 33:27
  Speaker 2: Lake and the year twenty fifteen was just was was
• 33:32
  Speaker 2: horrible for me, you know, things breaking up with the family,
• 33:36
  Speaker 2: trying to find my way, using the meth again, I
• 33:40
  Speaker 2: had a heat stroke, not MRSA, but a nasty staph infection.
• 33:47
  Speaker 2: That year, a cousin of mine had committed suicide, and
• 33:53
  Speaker 2: he and I weren't really close, but at the funeral,
• 33:59
  Speaker 2: thoughts of suicide that I've had in the past came
• 34:01
  Speaker 2: back up. And seeing what that had done to his
• 34:04
  Speaker 2: family and all everyone was reacting at that family weighed
• 34:07
  Speaker 2: really heavy. I mean, I got really emotional at this
• 34:10
  Speaker 2: at this funeral, and you know, people were noticing, like, jeez,
• 34:15
  Speaker 2: they weren't really that close wise. He so broke up
• 34:17
  Speaker 2: about this. But inside it's like, because this I was
• 34:21
  Speaker 2: living what I could have done to my family if
• 34:23
  Speaker 2: I had done that, and with the drinking and the
• 34:30
  Speaker 2: using and the Matthews and everything. But like the end
• 34:33
  Speaker 2: of twenty fifteen, again I was a mental wreck. My
• 34:38
  Speaker 2: family was concerned about me. They ended up doing an
• 34:41
  Speaker 2: involuntary committal share showed up at the job. Job site
• 34:47
  Speaker 2: one day, ended up taking me to Jamestown, and I
• 34:51
  Speaker 2: was just like, why am I here? You know, why
• 34:55
  Speaker 2: am I here? Spent I don't know that's spent ten
• 35:01
  Speaker 2: days there, and I was I was completely out of
• 35:06
  Speaker 2: my mind, just I was disruptive and just was I
• 35:11
  Speaker 2: was a problem from them from the time I got
• 35:13
  Speaker 2: out there till the time they let me out.
• 35:16
  Speaker 1: And so you're coming down. I'm coming down off of everything,
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: let alone, obviously in probably quite a bit of surprise
• 35:26
  Speaker 1: that you didn't see that one.
• 35:27
  Speaker 2: Coming, didn't see that one coming, And.
• 35:31
  Speaker 1: So what does that look like for you in terms
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: of you know, I.
• 35:35
  Speaker 2: Had a lot of resentment towards my family. I found
• 35:40
  Speaker 2: a job. You know, I've been doing concrete work all
• 35:44
  Speaker 2: this time, and you know, on top of all these
• 35:46
  Speaker 2: other things that happened, my back was blown out of me.
• 35:48
  Speaker 2: I was physically not doing well physically. I took a job.
• 35:55
  Speaker 2: I found a job. It was a transitional living center
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: for people that are coming out of the state hospital
• 36:01
  Speaker 2: that have like yeah, get right kind of ironic, that
• 36:06
  Speaker 2: have like schizophrenia, multi personality, that were there not bad
• 36:13
  Speaker 2: enough to live in be at the state hospital or
• 36:16
  Speaker 2: in a structured living environment. It was more like a
• 36:19
  Speaker 2: transitional living center trying to prepare them or teach them
• 36:24
  Speaker 2: daily living skills so they could you know, move out
• 36:26
  Speaker 2: on their own. Okay, So I don't know how I
• 36:30
  Speaker 2: got this job, but it was just kind of ironic
• 36:32
  Speaker 2: that I ended up in this position. And I think
• 36:37
  Speaker 2: it's like one of the real first jobs. It was.
• 36:39
  Speaker 2: It was a night shift job that I had. I
• 36:40
  Speaker 2: didn't do much there. It was just a little bit
• 36:42
  Speaker 2: of paperwork, check on the residents once in a while,
• 36:44
  Speaker 2: and that was it. And it's just like the real
• 36:47
  Speaker 2: first time I really had the opportunity to drink at work.
• 36:52
  Speaker 2: I was the only employee hat there at night, So
• 36:54
  Speaker 2: I was drinking at night, not getting wasted, but enough
• 36:58
  Speaker 2: to catch a buzz sober upano. So when the morning
• 37:01
  Speaker 2: crew came in, I was as fine as I thought
• 37:05
  Speaker 2: I could. I was as fine as I thought I
• 37:06
  Speaker 2: could beat sure. And you know, later that year, I
• 37:11
  Speaker 2: had met another woman by this time, and her and
• 37:15
  Speaker 2: I had gotten involved, and you know, and I told
• 37:19
  Speaker 2: her right off the bat that you know, I am
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: an alcoholic, just just so you're aware of what you're
• 37:23
  Speaker 2: getting yourself involved in. And things that with her and
• 37:29
  Speaker 2: I were pretty good. This brings up like twenty sixteen,
• 37:37
  Speaker 2: and she had moved from She was from Minnesota. She
• 37:41
  Speaker 2: moved to North Dakota and that late that fall she
• 37:47
  Speaker 2: had gotten sick. She was she had already had two
• 37:53
  Speaker 2: kidney transplants by this, you know, by before before before
• 37:58
  Speaker 2: I met her, and shortly after us meeting, that second
• 38:02
  Speaker 2: transplant had failed. So she gets put back on dialysis,
• 38:07
  Speaker 2: and our relationship changed at that time. Over the next
• 38:14
  Speaker 2: few years, she was in on the hospital a lot.
• 38:16
  Speaker 2: I was still drinking and using. She never she never
• 38:22
  Speaker 2: once said, uh, you know, I wish she would quit
• 38:25
  Speaker 2: or slowed down. But you know, there wasn't any real
• 38:27
  Speaker 2: major major problems. You know, the relationship was no by
• 38:30
  Speaker 2: means perfect, but you know it was you know, I
• 38:36
  Speaker 2: I don't want to say this, There wasn't a lot
• 38:38
  Speaker 2: of many major issues that were going on.
• 38:41
  Speaker 3: Okay that I was aware of.
• 38:43
  Speaker 2: I'm sure there probably was, but I was either in
• 38:45
  Speaker 2: denial or there wasn't you know, really brought to anyone's attention.
• 38:52
  Speaker 2: Like I said, she uh, she was in on the hospital.
• 38:56
  Speaker 2: She traveled three days a week for dialysis. Once in
• 39:00
  Speaker 2: a while she was able to do it at home,
• 39:02
  Speaker 2: but a lot of the time she was on the
• 39:04
  Speaker 2: road three days a week to Grand Fork. So that
• 39:07
  Speaker 2: was you know, ninety miles one way. You know, there
• 39:12
  Speaker 2: was a lot of stress on the relationship, but we
• 39:15
  Speaker 2: made things work and then July twenty twenty one, she
• 39:22
  Speaker 2: had up passing away. She died at home one night,
• 39:28
  Speaker 2: had me called nine on one, which I've done several
• 39:30
  Speaker 2: times in the past, and before they got there, she died.
• 39:38
  Speaker 2: And where it was at home, you know, which was
• 39:41
  Speaker 2: thankfully it was at home. She hated going to the hospital,
• 39:45
  Speaker 2: a house full of kids, My kids were there, her
• 39:48
  Speaker 2: daughter was there, the little neighbor girl across the street
• 39:50
  Speaker 2: was there. Okay, you know, it was an emotional night.
• 39:57
  Speaker 2: That was, like I said in July twenty twenty one,
• 40:00
  Speaker 2: and for all the issues and the problems and the
• 40:03
  Speaker 2: things that I have faced with my addictions, this is
• 40:08
  Speaker 2: this is when I was blasted into the fourth dimension
• 40:12
  Speaker 2: to say, you know, this is when things got really
• 40:15
  Speaker 2: bad for me. You know, I've had some legal problems
• 40:18
  Speaker 2: in the past, relationship problems, employment problems and all that thing,
• 40:24
  Speaker 2: but you know, losing we had a good relationship and
• 40:28
  Speaker 2: when she passed things, that's when things took a really
• 40:31
  Speaker 2: ugly turn for me.
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: Yeah. Well that's incredibly stressful and hertful, so that that's tough. Yeah,
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: so what does that look like for you? Then moving
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: forward after that, but.
• 40:47
  Speaker 2: In July, by h Thanksgiving that that year, Excuse me.
• 40:57
  Speaker 2: I went from being a daily drinker to being like
• 41:00
  Speaker 2: an all day day drinker. I was missing a lot
• 41:04
  Speaker 2: of work. But by this time I was I had
• 41:09
  Speaker 2: been was drinking vodka. I'd been drinking vodka for years
• 41:11
  Speaker 2: by then, and I was drinking a lot of vodka.
• 41:14
  Speaker 2: Is either after like those malt beverages like four Locals
• 41:17
  Speaker 2: or juices they're like fourteen percent. Yeah, drinks drinking those.
• 41:24
  Speaker 2: And after she had passed, you know, I just the
• 41:32
  Speaker 2: alcohol was that That's all I had to live for anymore.
• 41:35
  Speaker 2: You know, I lived a drink, drink to live. Lost
• 41:39
  Speaker 2: a bunch of weight. I wasn't you know, using math,
• 41:41
  Speaker 2: but it was just not taking care of my body.
• 41:45
  Speaker 2: Eat a few times a week, you know. I made
• 41:47
  Speaker 2: snack every day maybe, but you just a couple of
• 41:49
  Speaker 2: meals a day or whatever a week. Lost a bunch
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: of weight mentally, just couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, drinking all
• 41:57
  Speaker 2: the time. So uh, it would have been after thanks
• 42:02
  Speaker 2: Giving twenty twenty one, I found myself in a detox
• 42:06
  Speaker 2: center looking to get into rehab. I found a place
• 42:10
  Speaker 2: in Fargo at sharehouse. That would have been at the
• 42:13
  Speaker 2: end of twenty twenty one. I was there for eight weeks,
• 42:19
  Speaker 2: I believe, and before I even got out of there,
• 42:24
  Speaker 2: I was like, I got to see where I'm at
• 42:25
  Speaker 2: with this. Before they even discharged me, I was I
• 42:30
  Speaker 2: test the waters. Let's say. So I wasn't half an
• 42:36
  Speaker 2: hour out of being discharged and I was right back
• 42:39
  Speaker 2: to drinking.
• 42:39
  Speaker 1: Okay, so those.
• 42:47
  Speaker 2: Go ahead.
• 42:47
  Speaker 1: I'm sorry, No, no, you go ahead.
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: Okay. So this would have been twenty twenty two. Yeah,
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: twenty twenty two, started drinking full time, right right back
• 43:00
  Speaker 2: to where I was at on a regular basis. I'd
• 43:06
  Speaker 2: moved back to the Devil's Lake area. I was working
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: with a counselor therapists for my addiction problems, with my
• 43:12
  Speaker 2: mental health issues, my grieving issues. Throughout that year, still drinking,
• 43:21
  Speaker 2: smoking pot oh. I haven't done any stimulants in a while.
• 43:25
  Speaker 2: But it got to the point where, like mentally and physically,
• 43:32
  Speaker 2: it was really really taking a toll in my mind
• 43:34
  Speaker 2: and body. When I would try to stop or quit
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: for a couple of days, you know, I was having
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: some I've never had withdrawals. I've never had the withdrawals.
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: I've had hangovers, I know what those are like. But
• 43:48
  Speaker 2: the shakes and the sweats and the crazy blood pressure
• 43:52
  Speaker 2: just through the rough and the heart just pounding and beating,
• 43:55
  Speaker 2: and you know, I've never experienced that. So over the
• 43:59
  Speaker 2: next you know that that year twenty twenty two, it
• 44:04
  Speaker 2: was admitted I went to the hospital for a few times,
• 44:07
  Speaker 2: emergency room for medical detox. The sheriff started making visits
• 44:14
  Speaker 2: to my house doing welfare checks. You know, you'd show up.
• 44:18
  Speaker 2: No one's seen from you, no one's heard from you.
• 44:21
  Speaker 2: You haven't been to work, you're not answering your phone,
• 44:23
  Speaker 2: you're not on social media. That had happened several times.
• 44:29
  Speaker 2: And it's like, well, why doesn't any want to come
• 44:31
  Speaker 2: check on me? That was always my response, right, and
• 44:36
  Speaker 2: well they've been trying to call you. I was like,
• 44:38
  Speaker 2: why does any want to come over? You know that
• 44:40
  Speaker 2: that was my big thing. I was living out in
• 44:42
  Speaker 2: this small town kind of like forty miles for anybody
• 44:45
  Speaker 2: I really knew other than my co workers, Like, well,
• 44:48
  Speaker 2: why does anyone ever just stop buying check on me?
• 44:52
  Speaker 2: And you know this is like I said, the sheriff
• 44:54
  Speaker 2: have been over there several times that year, and he
• 44:56
  Speaker 2: says that they're afraid they're going to find you dead, Eric,
• 44:59
  Speaker 2: you know, and it was like, oh, you know, and
• 45:02
  Speaker 2: he was right. They were afraid they're going to find
• 45:04
  Speaker 2: me dead. With the mental issues, the depressions having from
• 45:07
  Speaker 2: the loss of my wife, the heavy, heavy drinking that
• 45:10
  Speaker 2: I was, you know, going through, and everything that, you know,
• 45:13
  Speaker 2: they thought they were probably gonna find me dead one day,
• 45:15
  Speaker 2: either by suicide or just withdrawls. You know, I have
• 45:21
  Speaker 2: a stroke, I have a seizure. You know. It was
• 45:23
  Speaker 2: just it was tough. So the end of that year,
• 45:30
  Speaker 2: Colin Sara I was working with, you know, she asked me,
• 45:33
  Speaker 2: She's just like, well, what's it going to take to
• 45:34
  Speaker 2: you to quit drinking and using? I said, I don't know,
• 45:37
  Speaker 2: you know, consequences. I need some consequences. My whole life's
• 45:41
  Speaker 2: been full of consequences, you know what I'm saying, But
• 45:44
  Speaker 2: I don't know. Consequences the only thing, the only answer
• 45:46
  Speaker 2: I could come up with. And you know, be careful
• 45:50
  Speaker 2: of what you wish for, because they they came, They
• 45:54
  Speaker 2: came hard, and they came quick. Within a week or two,
• 45:57
  Speaker 2: me saying that my kids' is mom had wanted to
• 46:01
  Speaker 2: visit with me. She wanted to meet on neutral grounds
• 46:05
  Speaker 2: and my parents and as soon as she said this, like,
• 46:08
  Speaker 2: oh heck, this is not going to be good. Our
• 46:13
  Speaker 2: custody agreement stated that I wasn't supposed to be drinking
• 46:16
  Speaker 2: on the kids, which I was.
• 46:17
  Speaker 3: Not rightly not following through with.
• 46:21
  Speaker 2: And basically she said, either you agree to have super
• 46:27
  Speaker 2: revised visitations here at your parents with the kids on
• 46:29
  Speaker 2: your weekends and the time you know your your time
• 46:32
  Speaker 2: with them, or I'm taking you back to court for
• 46:35
  Speaker 2: full custody. And she was one d percent right. You know,
• 46:38
  Speaker 2: I had no leg to stand on at this point.
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: I made some really rude comments to her prior to this.
• 46:43
  Speaker 2: It was just everything was adding up. Well. That happened,
• 46:47
  Speaker 2: and then my consort fired me because there was some
• 46:49
  Speaker 2: comments I made to her. Whoops. That following month, I
• 46:57
  Speaker 2: had posted something on social media. Someone became concerned about it.
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: One of my coworker's wife was a deputy sheriff. She's
• 47:09
  Speaker 2: the one that saw its. So she contacts me and
• 47:12
  Speaker 2: she's old me to send somebody over and I made
• 47:15
  Speaker 2: the comment, well, if they show up again, there's gonna
• 47:17
  Speaker 2: be problems. When she said somebody, she's referring to the
• 47:20
  Speaker 2: sheriff's department that I'm on a first name basis with
• 47:24
  Speaker 2: by now they come over, end up getting arrested for
• 47:28
  Speaker 2: disorderly conduct in my kitchen. I get fired from my job.
• 47:35
  Speaker 2: I rent from my boss, so he kicks me out.
• 47:38
  Speaker 2: This is all like a real short time frame, in
• 47:43
  Speaker 2: a real short time frame. So I make the decision
• 47:47
  Speaker 2: to check back into rehab. But where do I go
• 47:53
  Speaker 2: that time? Mine? Not? Yeah? I went to mine not
• 47:56
  Speaker 2: through the Human Service center and mine not? That would
• 47:59
  Speaker 2: have been. And what year are we in? By hot
• 48:04
  Speaker 2: twenty twenty three, twenty twenty three, early twenty twenty three.
• 48:09
  Speaker 2: I check in there. So I've been to rehabing Fargo, Bizmarck,
• 48:14
  Speaker 2: Grand Forks might not over the years making my rounds
• 48:21
  Speaker 2: around the state ideas, so I checked, I check in it.
• 48:23
  Speaker 2: Mine not. That's another inpatient program where I spent six seven,
• 48:28
  Speaker 2: eight weeks in there, and I thought things are pretty good.
• 48:35
  Speaker 2: I'd set up and I got the opportunity for sober
• 48:39
  Speaker 2: living here in Bismarck, and I said, yeah, I'll take it.
• 48:43
  Speaker 2: I've been to Bismarck. I had good recard, you know,
• 48:45
  Speaker 2: I got good recovery here a number of years ago.
• 48:49
  Speaker 2: There there recovery community here is excellent there's a lot
• 48:55
  Speaker 2: of meetings, a lot of connections. You know, it's it's
• 48:58
  Speaker 2: really good here says so, yeah, I'll take that. So
• 49:04
  Speaker 2: you're not a rehabit, why not the immediately come down
• 49:06
  Speaker 2: here to Bizmarck checking north of the Silber Living Facilities.
• 49:11
  Speaker 2: Really really great place, really great program. It's they got
• 49:15
  Speaker 2: a lot of rules and it's strict, but that's what
• 49:17
  Speaker 2: I wanted. That's what I asked for because I know
• 49:20
  Speaker 2: my past, I know my behaviors, I know my triggers,
• 49:23
  Speaker 2: I know I know what's going to achieve, you know,
• 49:27
  Speaker 2: for me to have the best chance at sobriety of
• 49:29
  Speaker 2: what it's going to take to keep me there. So
• 49:32
  Speaker 2: I check into this place and like I said, it's
• 49:34
  Speaker 2: it's rather structured and they hold you accountable and it's
• 49:39
  Speaker 2: a tough program. But their success rate was really good
• 49:42
  Speaker 2: and that's part of the reason why I chose this
• 49:45
  Speaker 2: particular one over the other two that I had an
• 49:49
  Speaker 2: option to go to. Okay, well, the only thing I
• 49:55
  Speaker 2: didn't like about is they kind of liminited my working
• 49:59
  Speaker 2: hours what I was allowed work when I first came in.
• 50:01
  Speaker 2: You're kind of like on step one or phase one
• 50:03
  Speaker 2: or whatever. You want to call it and they eat
• 50:06
  Speaker 2: up to two and you can work a little bit more,
• 50:07
  Speaker 2: and you know, they're kind of trying to wean you
• 50:09
  Speaker 2: back in a full schedule, but they wouldn't let me
• 50:14
  Speaker 2: work any overtime. And you know, I got bills to pay,
• 50:17
  Speaker 2: and I'm behind on this, and I'm behind my child
• 50:20
  Speaker 2: support and all this stuff. And you know, the job
• 50:21
  Speaker 2: that I was that I was working at was was
• 50:24
  Speaker 2: a good job. They paid well, and I wanted to
• 50:27
  Speaker 2: work more, and they wouldn't. I wasn't there yet where
• 50:30
  Speaker 2: they'd let you work as much as I wanted to work.
• 50:34
  Speaker 2: So reluctantly I made the decision. I talked with another
• 50:38
  Speaker 2: friend of a friend of mine that was in another
• 50:40
  Speaker 2: another sober living so we got an opening over here.
• 50:43
  Speaker 2: You can work as much as you want. It's laid back,
• 50:46
  Speaker 2: it's you know, it sounds really good. I'm thinking, it's
• 50:49
  Speaker 2: like yeah, yeah. So with only notice, I just told
• 50:54
  Speaker 2: this this place i'll stay and said I'm leaving. I
• 50:57
  Speaker 2: packed up my stuff and I left and went this
• 51:00
  Speaker 2: other sober living facility where they allowed me to work
• 51:03
  Speaker 2: the hours I wanted to work. I had my own room,
• 51:07
  Speaker 2: they paid for the food, you know, it was just
• 51:10
  Speaker 2: everything was great. It was really good. The only thing
• 51:14
  Speaker 2: that they really didn't have that I needed was that
• 51:17
  Speaker 2: accountability and that structure. I still had a penny case
• 51:23
  Speaker 2: up in Nelson County for that disorderly conduct, and I
• 51:30
  Speaker 2: told him, So I got court, I got to be
• 51:31
  Speaker 2: up there Friday. I'm going to take the weekend off.
• 51:34
  Speaker 2: We be back Sunday. I'm going to spend some time
• 51:36
  Speaker 2: with my family up there. Yep, yep, you know, go
• 51:38
  Speaker 2: ahead and do what you gotta do. So I went
• 51:43
  Speaker 2: to court. They see that I've been to rehab, that
• 51:48
  Speaker 2: they see that in sober living things are going well.
• 51:52
  Speaker 2: I got some sobriety under my belt, and they dropped
• 51:55
  Speaker 2: the charges, which was kind of the plan because of
• 51:59
  Speaker 2: our He had like a preliminary hearing and they said,
• 52:01
  Speaker 2: as long as you stay in treatment, you feel that,
• 52:03
  Speaker 2: you know, we off court and everything goes good here
• 52:05
  Speaker 2: in a couple of months, we'll drop the charges. So great,
• 52:10
  Speaker 2: you know, everything's going good. I got a free weekend.
• 52:12
  Speaker 2: I just got these charges dropped. How do you celebrate?
• 52:18
  Speaker 2: How do you celebrate? Right? So, on the way back, yeah,
• 52:22
  Speaker 2: I got drunk on the way back, and I was
• 52:27
  Speaker 2: gonna go see some friends down south of Valley City
• 52:30
  Speaker 2: that they nor him in recovery. And by the time
• 52:33
  Speaker 2: I got to Valley City, I was like, I'm way
• 52:35
  Speaker 2: too drunk to go there. They're gonna know what's up.
• 52:39
  Speaker 2: I can't go on. So I made the decision to
• 52:41
  Speaker 2: head back towards Bismarck. And I don't remember passing through Jamestown,
• 52:48
  Speaker 2: and I vaguely remember getting pulled over. I just remember
• 52:51
  Speaker 2: looking in the light or in the review mirror and
• 52:53
  Speaker 2: there's a cop behind me. Sheriff's departments like oh no.
• 53:00
  Speaker 2: And then I woke up in jail. I had my
• 53:04
  Speaker 2: shirt on but their pants on, and I was like,
• 53:06
  Speaker 2: oh no. You know, it's like I didn't even get
• 53:09
  Speaker 2: dressed out. I must I blacked out. I had no
• 53:12
  Speaker 2: recollection of this, and you know, they charged me with
• 53:18
  Speaker 2: I thought it was a d u Y at the time,
• 53:21
  Speaker 2: and I was like, you know, this is like my
• 53:23
  Speaker 2: seventh time being polar for d Y. I'm probably gonna
• 53:25
  Speaker 2: go to the pen for a while. Things ain't looking good.
• 53:30
  Speaker 2: My boss comes and bails me out of jail and
• 53:37
  Speaker 2: and I'll go back to work. It's like, well, I'm
• 53:38
  Speaker 2: going I'm going to prison. That's that was set in
• 53:40
  Speaker 2: my mind as I'm gonna I'm gonna go plead not guilty.
• 53:43
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna drink this out as long as I can.
• 53:45
  Speaker 2: I'm gonna party as long as I can. Then I'll
• 53:47
  Speaker 2: go serve my time and then I'll get sober. That
• 53:50
  Speaker 2: that was my plan. That was my plan, right. This
• 53:53
  Speaker 2: would have been like early June when I got picked
• 53:55
  Speaker 2: up in twenty twenty three. So I partied all of
• 54:02
  Speaker 2: June fourth of July after drinking for a month. Basically,
• 54:08
  Speaker 2: I was right back at the end of my rope
• 54:10
  Speaker 2: where thoughts of suicide started playing around, and I got
• 54:15
  Speaker 2: caught with a loaded gun and some calls were made.
• 54:19
  Speaker 2: I ended up back in Jamestown, but locked me up.
• 54:23
  Speaker 2: I know I didn't go willingly. I'll tell you that
• 54:26
  Speaker 2: there was another involuntary middle. My boss bailed me. It
• 54:31
  Speaker 2: came into Jamestown, got me out of Jamestown, and I
• 54:34
  Speaker 2: continued drinking through the summer of twenty twenty three and
• 54:42
  Speaker 2: he and I had got you know, by then, I
• 54:43
  Speaker 2: was kicked out of solber living obviously, and it all
• 54:48
  Speaker 2: came to a head around the end of September where
• 54:51
  Speaker 2: he and I got into it, quit my job, I
• 54:54
  Speaker 2: walked off. I went back to the Devil's Lake to
• 54:58
  Speaker 2: figure out a game plan, and I was up there
• 55:03
  Speaker 2: for a couple of weeks, drinking every day heavy, and
• 55:08
  Speaker 2: I found a place back here at Our View again
• 55:10
  Speaker 2: as an impatient I have been. October fifth of twenty
• 55:17
  Speaker 2: twenty three is when I checked in there and been
• 55:20
  Speaker 2: sober since. Now what changed, I don't know. You know,
• 55:27
  Speaker 2: there's a variety of things that change. But you know,
• 55:29
  Speaker 2: I think we all have that breaking point where we
• 55:32
  Speaker 2: like to say enough's enough, right second, tired of being
• 55:36
  Speaker 2: sick and tired. Well, I was sick and tired of
• 55:37
  Speaker 2: being sick and tired long time ago. But you know
• 55:40
  Speaker 2: what I have identified as the point where I said,
• 55:44
  Speaker 2: I just I can't and I do not want to
• 55:47
  Speaker 2: live that lifestyle anymore, was while I was in in Hardview.
• 55:51
  Speaker 2: When I got there, there was there was a man
• 55:53
  Speaker 2: there that was he was in rough shape. He need
• 55:55
  Speaker 2: a liver transplant, his kidneys are failing. He was all
• 56:00
  Speaker 2: well enough, yellow skin, yellow eyes, he was. He was
• 56:03
  Speaker 2: in tough shape. And I was there a week and
• 56:06
  Speaker 2: a half, maybe two weeks. I don't think it was
• 56:08
  Speaker 2: even two weeks I was there or getting ready for
• 56:12
  Speaker 2: a group. One morning, another resident said we need your help,
• 56:16
  Speaker 2: and I said, what's going on? So we need to
• 56:18
  Speaker 2: get so and so out of bed, help into a wheelchair.
• 56:21
  Speaker 2: So I go in there, you know, the resident and
• 56:24
  Speaker 2: a staff member helping him to the wheelchair and wheeling
• 56:27
  Speaker 2: him to the text station or whatever. And I thought
• 56:30
  Speaker 2: to myself, this could be me in here, This could
• 56:32
  Speaker 2: be my kids wheeling me somewhere. And it hit me hard.
• 56:38
  Speaker 2: It hit me hard. The following day they cleaned his
• 56:41
  Speaker 2: room out, said he wasn't going to return. They took
• 56:43
  Speaker 2: him to the hospital, so he wasn't going to return
• 56:46
  Speaker 2: medical he wasn't medically cleared to come back. And then
• 56:50
  Speaker 2: a week later they they Informoucy had passed away. He
• 56:55
  Speaker 2: sobered up, sobered up too late. Yeah, And it was
• 56:59
  Speaker 2: then when I said, you know what I'm not I'm
• 57:01
  Speaker 2: not going out like that. That is not the way
• 57:04
  Speaker 2: I'm going to die. It's not the way I'm going
• 57:06
  Speaker 2: to die. I got out of there, positive attitude, did
• 57:15
  Speaker 2: not want to drink, fought another soul being living facility.
• 57:19
  Speaker 2: This is my my my third one that I'm on
• 57:23
  Speaker 2: in less than a year. And I've been there since
• 57:26
  Speaker 2: I've been there, you know, just over a year at
• 57:28
  Speaker 2: this this other, this other place. Very active in the program.
• 57:32
  Speaker 2: I got a sponsor, I got a home group, I
• 57:35
  Speaker 2: chair a couple of meetings. I do ten to twenty
• 57:39
  Speaker 2: meetings a week. You know, this time of year, I'm
• 57:43
  Speaker 2: a lot more free time on my hands, so it's
• 57:46
  Speaker 2: not uncommon to do three, sometimes four meetings a day.
• 57:50
  Speaker 2: Usually two, two for sure.
• 57:54
  Speaker 1: So tell me how you fil mentally and physically.
• 58:00
  Speaker 2: Now, Oh, it's night and day. It's night and day.
• 58:05
  Speaker 2: But don't get me wrong, that's not all peaches and cream.
• 58:09
  Speaker 2: I still have my days, but I have found ways
• 58:14
  Speaker 2: to cope and deal with those and realize that they
• 58:17
  Speaker 2: don't last forever, and you can get over that hump.
• 58:20
  Speaker 2: And when you do it, it's like a girl spurt.
• 58:23
  Speaker 2: You know, you look back at the way you would
• 58:25
  Speaker 2: have handled things and all you handle things now, and
• 58:30
  Speaker 2: when you get over those humps, it just gives you
• 58:32
  Speaker 2: that much more confidence and strength and self support that
• 58:36
  Speaker 2: you need to realize that when things come up, that
• 58:40
  Speaker 2: you can get over them. You know, they say, you know,
• 58:43
  Speaker 2: tough times don't last forever, but you know what, neither
• 58:45
  Speaker 2: do good times. The good times don't last forever either,
• 58:49
  Speaker 2: and when they, you know, and those times you hit
• 58:51
  Speaker 2: those bumps in the road, you gotta be ready. You
• 58:53
  Speaker 2: got to be prepared well.
• 58:56
  Speaker 1: And having that knowledge now that you carry with you
• 59:00
  Speaker 1: on how to be prepared and have to address it
• 59:03
  Speaker 1: is one of the factors on staying sober, maintaining that sobariety.
• 59:08
  Speaker 1: And so you know, that road is awfully bumpy for
• 59:13
  Speaker 1: for all of us that have you known addiction. And
• 59:17
  Speaker 1: but once you get to the smooth sailing part, you
• 59:21
  Speaker 1: know it just that moment of clarity becomes a lifetime
• 59:24
  Speaker 1: of clarity. And I think that that you know is
• 59:26
  Speaker 1: something that you can't explain it to anyone.
• 59:30
  Speaker 2: You know.
• 59:30
  Speaker 1: I'm glad that you were able to share your story,
• 59:33
  Speaker 1: but sometimes unless you've actually lived it, it's hard to explain.
• 59:36
  Speaker 2: It is hard to people.
• 59:38
  Speaker 1: But you being sharing your story now and for other
• 59:42
  Speaker 1: people to hear it that are battling it is truly inspirational.
• 59:46
  Speaker 1: It is, and and I think that having the courage
• 59:51
  Speaker 1: to do that is We talked about that a little
• 59:53
  Speaker 1: bit actually before we started recording. That's not always the
• 59:56
  Speaker 1: easiest thing to do either, But knowing that it may
• 1:00:01
  Speaker 1: inspire people to take that step and move forward. Is
• 1:00:07
  Speaker 1: really what it's all about now at this point. Right,
• 1:00:11
  Speaker 1: But boy, you've come a.
• 1:00:12
  Speaker 2: Long way I have, you know, aiden, I don't see it.
• 1:00:17
  Speaker 2: I should I should say I didn't see it at first.
• 1:00:20
  Speaker 2: You know, you talk to people and they tell you
• 1:00:22
  Speaker 2: that you look at better and you got a better attitude,
• 1:00:25
  Speaker 2: and it's like they're just trying to pump me full
• 1:00:29
  Speaker 2: of supporting on you all this stuff. But in reality,
• 1:00:32
  Speaker 2: you know, you finally start seeing it in yourself, where
• 1:00:37
  Speaker 2: if a situation comes up and you handle a lot
• 1:00:41
  Speaker 2: better than you used to and you kind of pat
• 1:00:43
  Speaker 2: yourself on the back of that, Yeah, I did pretty
• 1:00:46
  Speaker 2: good there. You know, it's like and you start believing that,
• 1:00:50
  Speaker 2: you start seeing that in yourself. We start believing it
• 1:00:52
  Speaker 2: in yourself, and once that that happens, it's a completely
• 1:00:57
  Speaker 2: different ballgame. It's like, you know what, I do have
• 1:00:59
  Speaker 2: a good I do a good chance at this. Do
• 1:01:01
  Speaker 2: I have it? No, I'll never have it, but I
• 1:01:04
  Speaker 2: got a really good chance as long as I keep
• 1:01:08
  Speaker 2: driving and working and putting the effort in the stay sober.
• 1:01:14
  Speaker 2: You know, I'm a big proponent of a I am
• 1:01:17
  Speaker 2: you know it's Is it the ultimate answer, No, you
• 1:01:21
  Speaker 2: know there's I don't think it's the ultimate answer, but
• 1:01:24
  Speaker 2: it does provide me a lot of tools and resources
• 1:01:28
  Speaker 2: to find the answers that it doesn't provide for me.
• 1:01:31
  Speaker 2: You know, I do like a smart recovery meeting. And
• 1:01:35
  Speaker 2: there's any emotional, anonymous or holding hole meeting that I
• 1:01:41
  Speaker 2: go to regularly that deals with your emotions and whatnot,
• 1:01:43
  Speaker 2: which is really good because it's for us drug addiction alcoholics.
• 1:01:47
  Speaker 2: You know, that's a big problem of ours is our
• 1:01:49
  Speaker 2: emotions and we don't know how to cope and deal
• 1:01:52
  Speaker 2: with them. So I go to that. And I just
• 1:01:55
  Speaker 2: found another meeting last night. I'm not real familiar with it.
• 1:02:02
  Speaker 2: That is u P. I P. Success, Progress is perfection
• 1:02:11
  Speaker 2: is progress. I'm not real familiar with it, I said,
• 1:02:13
  Speaker 2: I just went to at one time. I think it's
• 1:02:15
  Speaker 2: a new meeting year in town.
• 1:02:17
  Speaker 1: But like you said earlier, the recovery community here strong.
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 2: It is awesome.
• 1:02:23
  Speaker 1: You know, there's there are a lot of meetings, there's
• 1:02:26
  Speaker 1: a lot of right and I think that once you
• 1:02:33
  Speaker 1: kind of started getting into that, that wane, so to speak, right,
• 1:02:39
  Speaker 1: and you start meeting more people and finding out more
• 1:02:42
  Speaker 1: of those groups and people that you can rely on.
• 1:02:45
  Speaker 1: You never knew all those people were there, right, I
• 1:02:47
  Speaker 1: mean I didn't, and so it at least I think
• 1:02:51
  Speaker 1: that I didn't realize it was that prominent in this
• 1:02:54
  Speaker 1: community as much as it really is, which is amazing.
• 1:02:57
  Speaker 2: Because you have to be a hundred meetings a week
• 1:02:58
  Speaker 2: in down really cool.
• 1:03:00
  Speaker 1: It's tough not to be able to find one, you know,
• 1:03:02
  Speaker 1: And so that's something that I'm very proud of in
• 1:03:07
  Speaker 1: this community. There's a lot to offer, because, like you said,
• 1:03:11
  Speaker 1: sometimes in some communities that's not the case, and so
• 1:03:13
  Speaker 1: we're lucky here to have that. And so I think
• 1:03:17
  Speaker 1: that that's tremendous. And I get what you're saying in
• 1:03:20
  Speaker 1: terms of attending a lot and doing whatever you need
• 1:03:24
  Speaker 1: to do right. You found the recipe to be able
• 1:03:26
  Speaker 1: to keep you on track and whatever that looks like
• 1:03:30
  Speaker 1: is your journey and the way that you need to follow.
• 1:03:34
  Speaker 1: And I think that that's an important thing for people
• 1:03:36
  Speaker 1: to remember too, because it's not cookie cutter.
• 1:03:38
  Speaker 2: No, no, and it's constantly changing, evolving things that I
• 1:03:43
  Speaker 2: was not willing to try here six months or a
• 1:03:45
  Speaker 2: year ago, that maybe I wasn't ready for, or that
• 1:03:49
  Speaker 2: I didn't want to cry. You know, those are the
• 1:03:53
  Speaker 2: things that I'm finding that I need now. And you know,
• 1:03:55
  Speaker 2: things that were working then for me six months a
• 1:03:59
  Speaker 2: year ago, they don't work so much for me anymore.
• 1:04:01
  Speaker 2: Is you know they say that our addictions are progressive alcoholism,
• 1:04:07
  Speaker 2: the progressive disease. Well, I think our recovery is too.
• 1:04:10
  Speaker 2: It's constantly progressing, and it's changing and evolving as we
• 1:04:14
  Speaker 2: go on. I mean, I have my root foundation, my
• 1:04:17
  Speaker 2: root core of beliefs and ideas that I think I'll
• 1:04:20
  Speaker 2: always hold on to, but I'm constantly remodeling and adding
• 1:04:25
  Speaker 2: and adding on to them, and I'm open to new
• 1:04:29
  Speaker 2: new things, you know, new ideas, new suggestions, hearing new
• 1:04:32
  Speaker 2: people you know coming into the rooms, and uh, just
• 1:04:35
  Speaker 2: keeping an open mind frame on on what's out there. Yeah.
• 1:04:40
  Speaker 1: Well, and you have to in order to stay on
• 1:04:42
  Speaker 1: top of it. That you are. I'm proud of you.
• 1:04:45
  Speaker 1: High five, Thank you, thank you for doing this, thank
• 1:04:49
  Speaker 1: you for sharing your story.
• 1:04:51
  Speaker 2: My pleasure. I am very grateful for the opportunity to
• 1:04:54
  Speaker 2: be here. And it's not our to be asked to
• 1:04:57
  Speaker 2: do something like this, it really is.
• 1:04:59
  Speaker 1: Well, I'm I'm just glad that you that you are
• 1:05:01
  Speaker 1: willing and willing to share your stories.
• 1:05:03
  Speaker 2: So cool.
• 1:05:04
  Speaker 1: Congratulations sir, Thanks again, thank you, thank you for joining
• 1:05:15
  Speaker 1: us on this episode of Recovery Chronicles. Find out more
• 1:05:18
  Speaker 1: about heartviewad kurtview dot org, and keep moving forward, remembering
• 1:05:22
  Speaker 1: the story is yours and you are the author.