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IT WON’T STOP UNTIL YOU OWN IT! · Mental Health and the Mission of the Church

• 0:02
  SPEAKER_00: Alright everybody, how you doing today?
• 0:06
  SPEAKER_00: Want to pick up where we left off last week talking about uh the habit cycle.
• 0:13
  SPEAKER_00: Um just to make sure you understand how uh this fits in our biblical world view as Christians, um 2 Corinthians 10 says that the weapons of our warfare are not carnal or fleshly, but uh mighty through God for the pulling down of strongholds.
• 0:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I believe stronghold, I remember years ago learning the definition of a stronghold being a habit pattern of thought, because it goes on to talk about pulling down uh imaginations and that kind of thing.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: But I remember years ago being taught that uh a stronghold was a habit pattern of thought, and um, so what we're talking about, what we started talking about last week, was taken from the book uh Atomic Habits, a good book.
• 1:03
  SPEAKER_00: Uh there's others out there that are good also, but a good book, and um and his four cycles, most people have three trigger, response, reward.
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: He adds a middle one, which I think is very, very, very insightful, and it's trigger craving response reward.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Trigger craving response reward.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Um, here's the thing: how many of you have a relationship that matters to you?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: I would assume all of you would say yes.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_00: Um, how many of you, whether it's a uh husband, wife, parent-child, child, parent, uh, friendship, uh, professional relationship, whatever.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_00: But you have a relationship where, you know, let's say it's for the most part good, but most relationships, particularly in the early developmental years, meaning when you're kind of like let's just use a marriage, when you're uh kind of getting to know one another, because I do believe there's a depth of knowing that doesn't come until after you're married.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_00: And uh, because it's hard to not be who you really are 24-7, and it's hard for the things that you've sort of halfway tried to hide to not come out.
• 2:17
  SPEAKER_00: So here you are, and you know, it's a great relationship for the most part, but you have typically what you get into is a a cycle uh that's troubling.
• 2:30
  SPEAKER_00: That maybe you would even say, like Romans 7 says, maybe you'd even have moments in it where you're you come away from an unpleasant moment, whether it's explosive or not, and you're saying something like this for what I'm doing, I don't understand.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not practicing what I'd like to do, but I'm doing the very thing I hate.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: Um, maybe you even said I'm not gonna do that anymore.
• 2:56
  SPEAKER_00: And um what's going on there is something's triggering your past.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I like this simple thought.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_00: If if if your response in the present to whatever's happening is bigger than the trigger that caused it, then the trigger that caused it is not responsible for how big your response is.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Um so let's just use a marriage, husband, wife, friendship.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this applies to almost any relationship.
• 3:32
  SPEAKER_00: So typically when we notice something's off track is when we're in a we're in a bad place.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: We've we feel horrible, maybe we've said things we wish we hadn't said, we acted in ways we wish we wouldn't act.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's when we kind of realize how how did this happen again?
• 3:49
  SPEAKER_00: How did we get here?
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_00: And um really important thing, uh, a relationship's like a dance.
• 3:56
  SPEAKER_00: You know, it's like playing checkers, you know.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I move and then you move and then I move, right?
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: Well, my next move isn't based on my last move, my next move is based on your move.
• 4:13
  SPEAKER_00: So I make a move, then you make a move.
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_00: What I'm saying is someone else's behavior is a trigger, but it doesn't cause your response, and that's why I love what he said.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, someone does something that's this big and you react, it's a it's it's a size one, and your reaction's a three or a four.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Well, here's the thing you're never gonna break these cycles unless you own them.
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: Take ownership of them.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Another word I like better is take responsibility for them.
• 4:48
  SPEAKER_00: If you have a cycle that's problematic, you're gonna have to take responsibility for your cycle.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: And here's what I mean by that.
• 4:56
  SPEAKER_00: The other person triggers you, and let's say it's legitimate that they trigger you, some behavior.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Your response, their triggers a one, your response is a three or a four.
• 5:07
  SPEAKER_00: You've got to take responsibility for the three or the four, because they they didn't cause that.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: So someone else's behavior does not cause your response.
• 5:20
  SPEAKER_00: Someone else's behavior doesn't cause your response.
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: All right, really important thought.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And then the second one is this your response is the other person's trigger.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: Your response is the other person's trigger.
• 5:36
  SPEAKER_00: Kind of complicated, I know.
• 5:38
  SPEAKER_00: Someone does something, you interpret a certain way really fast, it triggers behavior from you that is not helpful.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_00: Your response triggers their pain, and then their response is not what they wanted it to be.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: And next thing you know, you're triggering me, and I'm triggering you, and we're in trouble.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: All right, back to this atomic habits thing.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: Four cycles of a habit: trigger, craving, response, reward.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: Now, what I'm saying to you this morning is that you're responsible for your response.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: You may not be responsible for the triggering event or behavior on someone else's part, but you are responsible for your response.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: All right.
• 6:29
  SPEAKER_00: What's the gap between there?
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's the craving.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: Here's what I want to help you learn to do.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Learn to think about what is it that's being threatened when I'm triggered?
• 6:45
  SPEAKER_00: What is it that I want, that I don't want, that I hope for, that I'm not apparently going to get?
• 6:53
  SPEAKER_00: In other words, what is it between the trigger and my response?
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_00: What's happening inside of me?
• 7:00
  SPEAKER_00: Inside of me.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_00: All right, and there's two key thoughts here.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_00: Cravings are driven by two things that are very closely related: a need or needs, could be more than one, but a need or needs, and the feeling or emotion that triggers.
• 7:21
  SPEAKER_00: So, what am I saying?
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_00: You're not responsible for the outside triggers.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: You are responsible for your response to those outside triggers, and what lies between the trigger and your response is your craving or your internal state, what you might call it is your your level of self-awareness as to what you need, what you feel, and how that you've learned to respond to that, how you've learned to process that.
• 7:57
  SPEAKER_00: Most troubling, problematic, destructive behavior in our adult life is rooted in our childhood.
• 8:05
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning, this is a really important thought.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Meaning, a lot of what we do in adulthood that gets us in trouble, often, I'm confident saying often, over half the time, is behavior we learned in childhood that we needed in the environment we are in.
• 8:23
  SPEAKER_00: But what makes it unhealthy now is we're not in the same environment.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: We don't need that defensive behavior, but we continue to do it.
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: Why?
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's become a habit, it's become a stronghold, it's become a often rehearsed, at one time it made sense, style of attempting to either get my needs met or keep myself from being hurt and feeling things that I don't want to feel.
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: Alright, I'm gonna leave you with this thought as we wind up for today.
• 8:57
  SPEAKER_00: So, what am I doing here?
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_00: Trigger, craving, response reward.
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: I'm saying you're not responsible for the trigger, you are responsible for your response.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: And what lies between them is this craving, the uh the author of Atomic Habits calls it.
• 9:12
  SPEAKER_00: And that craving is built on a need or needs and feelings that are attached to them that happen really fast, and you're probably not always consciously in touch with what they are.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_00: So what's gonna have to happen here?
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: You're gonna have to slow this thing down, and you're gonna have to ask yourself some questions.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Like what you're gonna have to get to what that need is and what feelings are being stirred and provoked.
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what we're gonna be talking about as we go forward.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_00: How do you how do you slow the cycle down so that you can look at it in its component steps?
• 9:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm gonna use the story of my my own story from last week to talk about it next week, and how I've learned, or better put, how I'm learning to break that cycle and redirect it into healthier behavior.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: So that's what we're talking about, all right?
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Trust you guys, have a great day, great rest of the week.
• 10:20
  SPEAKER_00: Later.