Latest / Do You F*cking Mind? / 353. HEADNOISE: Becoming More Spontaneous, Letting Go Of Animosity & How To Not Need To Control Everything.

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353. HEADNOISE: Becoming More Spontaneous, Letting Go Of Animosity & How To Not Need To Control Everything. · Do You F*cking Mind?

0:15
Speaker 1: Hello, beautiful beans, and welcome to the episode of today.
0:18
Speaker 1: This is a head Noise episode and I'm going to
0:20
Speaker 1: try and think of a creative title for it, but
0:24
Speaker 1: I'm also really enjoying the title that you guys are
0:26
Speaker 1: putting on the email headers. But before I go into
0:30
Speaker 1: answering the head Noise episode, we if you want to
0:35
Speaker 1: submit your questions, there's now a new way, a very
0:40
Speaker 1: exciting new way to submit your questions. And on my website,
0:44
Speaker 1: I now have a way that you can submit your
0:47
Speaker 1: question via a voice message, and your voice message will
0:53
Speaker 1: be played on the podcast. So I feel like it'll
0:55
Speaker 1: be like a conversation. It's almost like a phone call.
0:58
Speaker 1: It's almost like a Dear Dolly for any remembers that
1:01
Speaker 1: rap to all of us. But that's what we're doing.
1:04
Speaker 1: It's very very cool. So if you jump on the
1:06
Speaker 1: website dyfmpod dot com, then you can access that little link.
1:12
Speaker 1: You just press the button, you record your question for me,
1:14
Speaker 1: and then I'll play that recording on the podcast. It's
1:16
Speaker 1: of course going to be anonymous. I don't give out
1:18
Speaker 1: names or locations, none of that, but it will be
1:21
Speaker 1: your voice. You can of course still just be emailing
1:24
Speaker 1: through your questions. If you prefer that is perfectly fine.
1:27
Speaker 1: But I think it'd be such a fuck and cool
1:29
Speaker 1: touch to have people's voices come through. It's a great
1:32
Speaker 1: way for me to hear, like firsthand, your voice from
1:35
Speaker 1: my audience, and for you guys to hear each other's voices.
1:38
Speaker 1: I think it's I don't know, it just makes it
1:39
Speaker 1: more intimate and cute anyway. So and if sorry, if
1:44
Speaker 1: you do want to email your questions through, just email
1:46
Speaker 1: your questions through to info at dyfmpod dot com. Love
1:51
Speaker 1: that for all of us. And both to the topic
2:09
Speaker 1: of today, I did want to speak about my audiobook
2:13
Speaker 1: which is coming out very soon. It is called How
2:15
Speaker 1: to Chase Change Thirty Days to Master Your Mindset. This
2:19
Speaker 1: audiobook is I'm so excited for you guys to do it.
2:23
Speaker 1: It's I think it's unreal. It goes for thirty days.
2:26
Speaker 1: You listen to roughly ten minutes a day for thirty days,
2:29
Speaker 1: and after every single session or module, you get either
2:33
Speaker 1: a piece of homework, an exercise to do, or further
2:37
Speaker 1: resources for you to further your knowledge in that topic.
2:39
Speaker 1: But there is something, a task or a resource every
2:42
Speaker 1: single day for those thirty days you can be doing it.
2:45
Speaker 1: It can take you longer than the thirty days, but
2:48
Speaker 1: it is designed for By the end of that thirty
2:52
Speaker 1: day period, your life is absolutely transformed. You've got a
2:55
Speaker 1: much better understanding of who you are and what you want.
2:58
Speaker 1: If you want to pre or the book, just check
3:01
Speaker 1: the link in the bio and you can click on
3:03
Speaker 1: that link and pre order the book. It comes out
3:06
Speaker 1: September tenth, so get your pre orders in. I'm so
3:10
Speaker 1: excited and i can't wait to hear from you guys
3:12
Speaker 1: and hear what you think about the book. Okay, let's
3:17
Speaker 1: get to the first one. The topic of this email
3:19
Speaker 1: is called letting go of animosity. Hi, Lexis, I have
3:23
Speaker 1: just binged every episode over the last year and a half,
3:26
Speaker 1: which ultimately led to me leaving a toxic three year
3:29
Speaker 1: long relationship. So thank you. That is epic epic. I'm
3:33
Speaker 1: writing to you for advice on letting go of animosity
3:37
Speaker 1: and resentment, especially in friendships. Since leaving my toxic relationship,
3:41
Speaker 1: I've become closer than ever with a friend of almost
3:44
Speaker 1: ten years. But lately I've been noticing a lot of
3:47
Speaker 1: red flags in the friendship and can't seem to let
3:49
Speaker 1: them go. A couple of weeks after a breakup from
3:52
Speaker 1: a short lived relationship, I saw that my best friend
3:55
Speaker 1: had been snapchatting my ex. I immediately confronted her about it,
3:59
Speaker 1: and she claims aim he was her second best friend
4:01
Speaker 1: on Snapchat from him simply adding her and not using
4:05
Speaker 1: the app that much. I later found out from the
4:08
Speaker 1: ex that they were in fact communicating through Snapchat. She
4:11
Speaker 1: then made up what seemed to be another lie that
4:14
Speaker 1: she probably answered him once and that was it. I
4:16
Speaker 1: decided to stop bringing it up because it seems like
4:18
Speaker 1: I would never get the truth from her. She's also
4:21
Speaker 1: the type to act selfishly and never compromise in terms
4:24
Speaker 1: of plans. She only wants to hang out with our friends, sorry,
4:28
Speaker 1: our other friends when she says, and wants us to
4:30
Speaker 1: revolve around her schedule only. She does have a child,
4:34
Speaker 1: so this is understandable to an extent, knowing she has
4:37
Speaker 1: been disloyal to our other friends and even her partner.
4:41
Speaker 1: It seems like this just may be her character right now.
4:44
Speaker 1: It seems like she will never let go of her
4:46
Speaker 1: toxic traits, and it has become extremely draining being in
4:49
Speaker 1: this friendship. I'm battling between letting go off the friendship
4:53
Speaker 1: or figuring out a way to let go of this animosity.
4:56
Speaker 1: Any advice helps, Okay, great question. That that's great question.
5:01
Speaker 1: I think that you kind of hit the nail and
5:02
Speaker 1: the head saying that it appears that this is just
5:04
Speaker 1: her character. Character is something that you can tell after
5:09
Speaker 1: obviously over a period of time, where people show you
5:13
Speaker 1: repeatedly their actions, their morals, their values, their belief systems,
5:20
Speaker 1: how they treat other people. You know, and you've known
5:23
Speaker 1: this person for ten years, so you've seen this unfold
5:26
Speaker 1: over ten years, and you've gotten closer more recently, and
5:30
Speaker 1: so that very If this is a behavior that is repeated,
5:34
Speaker 1: not the exact same behavior, but if you're seeing it here,
5:36
Speaker 1: if you're seeing it there, if she's doing this stuff
5:38
Speaker 1: to other people, then I think it's pretty safe to
5:40
Speaker 1: say then that is that is her character. And I
5:43
Speaker 1: like that your question didn't say how can I change this?
5:45
Speaker 1: How can whatever? Because you can't change her. You can't
5:48
Speaker 1: change it. That's going to come from her. She's got
5:51
Speaker 1: to acknowledge it and see it and then change And
5:54
Speaker 1: is it your responsibility to try and show her or whatever.
5:57
Speaker 1: You clearly have spoken to her about it in the past,
6:00
Speaker 1: and she's not really been open to changing. So I
6:02
Speaker 1: don't think it has to be your responsibility to get
6:04
Speaker 1: it to see that what she's doing can be hurtful
6:07
Speaker 1: to other people. So I guess you've got to ask yourself,
6:10
Speaker 1: does she align with the idea that I have in
6:14
Speaker 1: my head of what a good friend is. Obviously the
6:16
Speaker 1: answer is no, or you wouldn't be, you know, struggling
6:20
Speaker 1: with this conundrum about how you feel towards her. Now
6:23
Speaker 1: you've got two options. Do I keep her somewhat in
6:26
Speaker 1: my life somehow, or do I let go of it
6:29
Speaker 1: all together. Now, this is where it comes down to
6:34
Speaker 1: the hierarchy of friendships, which I've spoken about. I think
6:37
Speaker 1: I mentioned this in the last Head Noys episode, but
6:39
Speaker 1: it's something that I think it's important that you guys
6:42
Speaker 1: wrap your heads around, because when you understand this hierarchy
6:46
Speaker 1: of friendships, it makes it so much easier to let
6:49
Speaker 1: go of expectations over certain people, and it makes it
6:52
Speaker 1: also a lot easier to really lean on certain people
6:56
Speaker 1: and make them, you know, a bigger part of your life.
6:59
Speaker 1: So I have this inner circle the number one, the
7:02
Speaker 1: closest kind of friend you can have is your inner
7:03
Speaker 1: circle friends. You might have one of them, and that's
7:06
Speaker 1: perfectly fine. Your in a circle might just be your
7:09
Speaker 1: siblings or your cousins. It might not you know what
7:11
Speaker 1: I mean, so but it doesn't matter. But whatever it is,
7:13
Speaker 1: you've got your inner circle. These are the people that
7:16
Speaker 1: you feel will not only like, really not judge you,
7:21
Speaker 1: care for you, but also they're the ones that feel
7:23
Speaker 1: comfortable pulling you up on your shit. They're not walking
7:26
Speaker 1: on next shells around you, and you're not walking on
7:28
Speaker 1: nextshells around them. For example, I accept my best friend
7:31
Speaker 1: live wholeheartedly. I love her, but if I think she's
7:33
Speaker 1: being irrational, I will be pulling her up, and vice versa.
7:37
Speaker 1: That's a good kind of friendship. That's an inner circle friend.
7:40
Speaker 1: You are close enough to me that I am genuinely
7:44
Speaker 1: I don't love being pulled up, but I can see
7:46
Speaker 1: that you know me well enough that you can pull
7:48
Speaker 1: me up on like things that aren't within my character
7:51
Speaker 1: and all that shit. Okay, And you really trust that person.
7:54
Speaker 1: They the kind of person you can tell a secret
7:56
Speaker 1: to and you trust them. They are the kind of
7:58
Speaker 1: person that you can lean on in your eye need.
8:00
Speaker 1: They are the person that you want them to lean
8:03
Speaker 1: on you in their hour of need. All of that,
8:05
Speaker 1: that's your inner circle friends. Then it's stuff getting further
8:07
Speaker 1: and further, and then you got your like peripheral friends.
8:09
Speaker 1: There's a people in the friendship group that you socialize
8:12
Speaker 1: as a group, but you probably don't hang out one
8:13
Speaker 1: on one or you probably never call them or you
8:16
Speaker 1: probably never text all the time. They're awesome, you love
8:19
Speaker 1: seeing them, it's great, but they're not the go to
8:22
Speaker 1: inner circle people. I've got a lot of these friends
8:24
Speaker 1: and I adore them, but they're not necessarily in a
8:27
Speaker 1: circle people. It's not a bad thing. So she might
8:30
Speaker 1: maybe fall into that category where she's not your ride
8:32
Speaker 1: or die, but she's someone in a group setting and
8:36
Speaker 1: you have fun and you enjoy it and maybe that's great.
8:38
Speaker 1: Then you've got your acquaintances. These are people that you
8:40
Speaker 1: just do not see that often and when it comes
8:43
Speaker 1: to are they a friend friend? Like do they know
8:45
Speaker 1: this stuff about my life? Like I think people think acquaintances,
8:48
Speaker 1: it's like, oh, I just know this person, But acquaintances
8:51
Speaker 1: you can still hang out with them. But other the
8:53
Speaker 1: kind of person that are up to date with you
8:55
Speaker 1: and your life and what's going on. Then there's old
8:58
Speaker 1: times friends, people that you kind of keeping your life
9:00
Speaker 1: just because they's history, but you're don't really aligned, but
9:03
Speaker 1: it's nice to just have them there and it's you
9:05
Speaker 1: know whatever. And then there's good times friends as well,
9:07
Speaker 1: and they're the friends that are always a fucking time
9:12
Speaker 1: and a half to be around, but you wouldn't probably
9:15
Speaker 1: can't trust them as far as you can throw them
9:16
Speaker 1: with a secret like that kind of thing, you know,
9:18
Speaker 1: but you're like, fuck, they're just good fun. Why not
9:21
Speaker 1: you know, spend time and share moments with these people
9:23
Speaker 1: who are just we have so much fun together. But
9:25
Speaker 1: they don't have to be my inner circle friends. So
9:27
Speaker 1: maybe you need to shift where she belongs as far
9:31
Speaker 1: as your expectations of her, because for all those categories,
9:34
Speaker 1: there's an expectation for every single one of them. And
9:37
Speaker 1: for me, I have high expectations for the people that
9:41
Speaker 1: are in my inner circle because they have high expectations
9:43
Speaker 1: of me, as they should. We have a responsibility to
9:46
Speaker 1: each other, and that is to step up and be
9:48
Speaker 1: the kind of friend that we want each other to be. Okay,
9:51
Speaker 1: I think that it's a privilege to have these expectations
9:56
Speaker 1: of you know, trust, and you know, being there for someone,
9:59
Speaker 1: it's a privilege to that, but if they're not living
10:02
Speaker 1: up to that all the time, you're ultimately just letting
10:04
Speaker 1: yourself down because you're expecting something from someone when they're
10:07
Speaker 1: never able to give it to you anyway, because it's
10:09
Speaker 1: just not in their character. So, having said that, if
10:12
Speaker 1: I were you, given that it's in her character, given
10:15
Speaker 1: that she's already done this and it's just really coming
10:17
Speaker 1: to light, maybe you don't need to cut her out
10:19
Speaker 1: all together, because it's just who she's always been. But
10:21
Speaker 1: maybe you need to be like, I need to manage
10:23
Speaker 1: my expectations around this friendship, take a step back and
10:26
Speaker 1: maybe make it more of a group's social setting and
10:28
Speaker 1: maybe just a fun times kind of thing. But maybe
10:29
Speaker 1: I need to leave the closer I can trust you
10:33
Speaker 1: kind of friends ships to other people. That's what I
10:36
Speaker 1: would do in that situation, because obviously she's given you
10:39
Speaker 1: value enough if you're going to be with her, be
10:42
Speaker 1: friends with her for ten years and then you've gotten closer,
10:45
Speaker 1: you know, like, obviously she provides some value. I would
10:47
Speaker 1: just manage my expectations into how much she can provide
10:50
Speaker 1: as a friend, because if she's you know, kind of
10:53
Speaker 1: going behind your back, being a bit dodgy with you know,
10:54
Speaker 1: your ex. None of your inner circle friends would be
10:58
Speaker 1: doing that, so a bit more peripheral. Next question. The
11:03
Speaker 1: title of this is are the big Things in the
11:07
Speaker 1: room with Us? I'm already loving the title. Hi Alexis.
11:10
Speaker 1: I want to preface this email by saying I absolutely
11:13
Speaker 1: shodore the pod. I've been listening religiously for about two
11:16
Speaker 1: years that I've emotionally expanded as a person because of it.
11:19
Speaker 1: Thank you. My question is about traveling slash moving away.
11:23
Speaker 1: You've spoken about taking a leap of faith and I
11:26
Speaker 1: thought you would have some great words about this topic.
11:28
Speaker 1: I've been wanting to move overseas for a while, but
11:31
Speaker 1: the timing hasn't been right until this year. I live
11:33
Speaker 1: in Australia and I'm moving to Europe or the UK.
11:36
Speaker 1: I still haven't decided on the specifics, as I want
11:39
Speaker 1: to do some traveling before I settle down. Do you
11:41
Speaker 1: have any advice for me, especially on learning to trust
11:44
Speaker 1: the process and letting go off the need to have
11:47
Speaker 1: everything organized. I've done as much as I can while
11:49
Speaker 1: being at home, but I want to be more spontaneous
11:52
Speaker 1: and happy with my decision with my decision making instead
11:55
Speaker 1: of planning things to safeguard my anxiety. I had a
11:58
Speaker 1: serious year of health issues in twenty twenty one, which
12:01
Speaker 1: has taken a couple of years to recover from. I
12:04
Speaker 1: still live in the shadow of these experiences and have
12:06
Speaker 1: fear around my health, which is why strengthening and exercising
12:10
Speaker 1: my trust muscle is so important. I've made a lot
12:12
Speaker 1: of processes, I've made a lot of progress over the
12:15
Speaker 1: past eight months and don't want this to be my
12:17
Speaker 1: story anymore. I want to be more authentic, live my
12:20
Speaker 1: truth and become the person who I know I truly am.
12:24
Speaker 1: Lots of love and thank you. This is amazing, amazing, amazing,
12:27
Speaker 1: Thank you so much for writing in. That is such
12:30
Speaker 1: a good question, and I'm proud of you for all
12:31
Speaker 1: the work that you've done. That's epic. So I think
12:35
Speaker 1: everybody minus maybe a couple of percent a couple of
12:38
Speaker 1: percentage a percentage of the population, But for the most part,
12:41
Speaker 1: I think everybody experiences a level of anxiety, if you
12:46
Speaker 1: want to call it towards uncertainty.
12:48
Speaker 2: For some people it's like, oh, faged, I don't care
12:50
Speaker 2: at all, But most people are going to be like,
12:52
Speaker 2: I need to know that this is going to fall
12:54
Speaker 2: into place, and then you can scale it up and
12:56
Speaker 2: up and up, and then some people like I have
12:58
Speaker 2: to have everything organized, everything everything as It's okay to
13:01
Speaker 2: feel that way.
13:02
Speaker 1: Number one, that is okay, your feelings are valid, but
13:04
Speaker 1: you also want to be more spontaneous. So for me, ironically,
13:10
Speaker 1: one of the easiest ways of being spontaneous is when
13:14
Speaker 1: I know that the worst case scenario is doable, then
13:20
Speaker 1: it's very easy to be spontaneous. If you feel like
13:24
Speaker 1: you have no fallback plan, you've got nothing organized, you
13:28
Speaker 1: don't know where the fuck you're going, you have no
13:30
Speaker 1: knowledge of this thing no that it's really hard to
13:32
Speaker 1: be spontaneous because you're like, I'm fucking fearing for my
13:35
Speaker 1: life right now. This is traumatizing. I'm not having a
13:37
Speaker 1: good time. So what I would do is I would
13:40
Speaker 1: organize things that make you feel that there's kind of
13:42
Speaker 1: like a safe landing if it doesn't really go the
13:46
Speaker 1: way you wanted it to go. So, for example, if
13:49
Speaker 1: you're gonna if you know where you're moving, I would
13:52
Speaker 1: organize the things about where you're moving, roughly like I
13:54
Speaker 1: know the suburb that I want to live, and I've
13:56
Speaker 1: got like locations to live in that I've kind of
13:58
Speaker 1: scoped out as far as like this area, this is
14:01
Speaker 1: where I see myself being. You know, I've got knowledge
14:04
Speaker 1: around that. I also have organized timelines like this is
14:07
Speaker 1: when I'm leaving, I'm going to travel for X amount
14:10
Speaker 1: of time prior. Then you've got a budget. I'm going
14:12
Speaker 1: to stick to this amount of budget and it can
14:14
Speaker 1: blow out to this percentage. Then you can stick to
14:17
Speaker 1: what is it that I want to experience within those things,
14:19
Speaker 1: So I want to make sure that I'm experiencing. You
14:21
Speaker 1: might be someone that's like I just want to go
14:23
Speaker 1: to warm, relaxing places and just chill and meet people.
14:25
Speaker 1: Or you might want to be like I want to
14:27
Speaker 1: go to major cities, I want to go to parties.
14:29
Speaker 1: I want to go. So you get clear on what
14:31
Speaker 1: experiences you're interested in having, and then maybe think I
14:34
Speaker 1: want to go to roughly you know, maybe I'll lock
14:38
Speaker 1: in two destinations that I'm absolutely sure that I want
14:43
Speaker 1: to go on, but then I keep that middle bit free.
14:46
Speaker 1: So now you've got a lot of safe landing spots,
14:49
Speaker 1: You've got a lot organized, you've got timelines, you've got budgets,
14:51
Speaker 1: you've got locations, and then when you've got these two locations,
14:55
Speaker 1: especially the first one, I would always lock in the
14:57
Speaker 1: first and maybe the second one, because when you're there,
15:00
Speaker 1: you can be like, Okay, now I feel comfortable because
15:02
Speaker 1: I'm already here, I'm a lot closer to what I'm
15:04
Speaker 1: doing now, it's a lot easier for me to be spontaneous,
15:07
Speaker 1: be like I am going to book that fifty euro
15:09
Speaker 1: flight to that next location. When you're in Australia, sometimes
15:11
Speaker 1: it feels like, oh, it's too far away, it's so
15:13
Speaker 1: hard to organize, it's so hard whatever. But or you
15:15
Speaker 1: could be like, I want to stay here longer, and
15:17
Speaker 1: I have the freedom to do that because I haven't
15:20
Speaker 1: paid for all these things in advance, and I love
15:22
Speaker 1: where I'm at, and I've got the flexibility to just
15:24
Speaker 1: stay here longer. I can do that. So I think
15:27
Speaker 1: that the where your freedom and spontaneity comes from, it's
15:31
Speaker 1: just in the little things in between. Especially if you're
15:33
Speaker 1: someone that has that anxiety and wants that control, you
15:36
Speaker 1: want to taper it down. I also don't want you
15:40
Speaker 1: throwing yourself in the deep end and then being like
15:42
Speaker 1: I need to be this person who's you know, you
15:44
Speaker 1: build up to that because if you throw yourself in
15:46
Speaker 1: the deep end, you're not going to get this feeling
15:48
Speaker 1: overnight and you're going to suffer. So instead of throwing
15:51
Speaker 1: yourself in the deep end, you're going to scale it.
15:55
Speaker 1: Get the first place, get the accommodation for the first place,
15:58
Speaker 1: get maybe another location a few weeks later down the line.
16:01
Speaker 1: Then know where you're going to move to. And then
16:03
Speaker 1: the in between because you've got a budget, because you've
16:05
Speaker 1: got your travel insurance, because you've got like a few things.
16:09
Speaker 1: But in between is then left up in the air, okay.
16:13
Speaker 1: And the beauty is when you're in Europe, it's so
16:15
Speaker 1: easy to get from A to B except fucking Grace,
16:18
Speaker 1: Oh my god, trying to get flights out of Grace
16:20
Speaker 1: to Spain. I'm just organizing my trip right now. Is
16:22
Speaker 1: I an AD but it's so expensive and I don't
16:24
Speaker 1: know why. But apart from that, everything else is like
16:28
Speaker 1: quite easy to get around, and you'll be surprised at
16:32
Speaker 1: how easy it can be once you're there. So I
16:35
Speaker 1: think that get the first location, lock that in, have
16:38
Speaker 1: a budget, stick to the budget, and then you'll realize
16:42
Speaker 1: that no matter if it all fails, You've still stuck
16:45
Speaker 1: to your budget, you haven't lost your money, You've got
16:47
Speaker 1: a place to be. Worst case scenario, you stay where
16:49
Speaker 1: you are because you're enjoying it. Okay, So that's how
16:51
Speaker 1: I would look at it. But understand that this anxiety
16:54
Speaker 1: that you feel is absolutely normal. It's so normal. And
16:58
Speaker 1: the fact that you've got this, you know that you
17:01
Speaker 1: had the health scare you had to recover from it.
17:03
Speaker 1: You're doing a lot, and you're doing very well, and
17:05
Speaker 1: the pace at which you're doing it is very good,
17:08
Speaker 1: So just keep doing what you're doing. You don't have
17:11
Speaker 1: to accelerate it. The fact they're even going to Europe,
17:13
Speaker 1: that's a huge step. Some people never even get to
17:16
Speaker 1: that step and would love to. So there's these big
17:19
Speaker 1: leaps that you're already taking. So be to yourself and
17:23
Speaker 1: acknowledge that you're already doing quite a lot. You don't
17:25
Speaker 1: have to put yourself in a position where you're suffering,
17:27
Speaker 1: like you're doing what you want to be doing. So
17:30
Speaker 1: I would just find pockets little of spontaneity, and the
17:34
Speaker 1: more spontaneous you are, the easier it is to trust
17:38
Speaker 1: yourself to be more spontaneous later. So start with the small,
17:43
Speaker 1: tiny little trips here and there. I love your podcast
18:07
Speaker 1: and have been listening to every episode for a long time.
18:10
Speaker 1: I've learned so much from you, and listening to your
18:12
Speaker 1: podcast is always my me time to grow and I
18:14
Speaker 1: love it. Thank you. My work has currently fired most people,
18:19
Speaker 1: leaving me being the only person in the team, so
18:21
Speaker 1: work has been so busy and hectic. Head When companies
18:25
Speaker 1: do that, it's like, we'll just fire people and give
18:27
Speaker 1: you all the fucking work lol, and not compensate you
18:30
Speaker 1: for it. I'm finding myself just not being able to
18:33
Speaker 1: switch off when I get home. I'm always thinking of
18:36
Speaker 1: work when I get home, and now start waking up
18:39
Speaker 1: in the middle of the night thinking about all the
18:41
Speaker 1: tasks I need to do the next day. I'm also
18:43
Speaker 1: dreaming about work every night. Yeah, I feel I've had
18:46
Speaker 1: that before. I don't know how I can just switch
18:48
Speaker 1: off after work so I can have a peaceful afternoon
18:51
Speaker 1: but also get a good sleep and feel refreshed for
18:53
Speaker 1: the next day. Thank you. Firstly, before I go into
18:57
Speaker 1: what you can actually be doing with like what you
18:59
Speaker 1: do outside of work, I think it's really important to
19:02
Speaker 1: acknowledge or identify if you are being put under too
19:05
Speaker 1: much pressure at work, because one thing that is causing
19:08
Speaker 1: this thinking about work too much or waking up in
19:10
Speaker 1: the middle of the night is that they likely are
19:12
Speaker 1: putting you under too much pressure. If they needed to
19:14
Speaker 1: save money and they couldn't afford to employ those people,
19:17
Speaker 1: that's fine, that's what happens with businesses. But to then
19:21
Speaker 1: just assume that you have to take over the role
19:24
Speaker 1: of these other people without then lifting the load in
19:28
Speaker 1: another area of your job, that's just unrealistic and unfair.
19:32
Speaker 1: And it is okay for you to say, I am
19:35
Speaker 1: happy to step up and help out, However, this is
19:38
Speaker 1: just too much. It's too much on my plate. I
19:40
Speaker 1: had a full time job, you've now given me more
19:42
Speaker 1: work above that full time job. It is perfectly okay
19:45
Speaker 1: to say I want to meet you in the middle,
19:46
Speaker 1: but this is not the middle, and I'm I need
19:49
Speaker 1: I need help, Okay. It is so important to do that,
19:53
Speaker 1: and they've kept you for a reason, and I think
19:58
Speaker 1: that it's important for you to just voice what you
20:01
Speaker 1: need to voice if it's too much of a workload.
20:03
Speaker 1: If you're actually stressing too much when you're there, it
20:06
Speaker 1: means that it's too much stress. Now, the next thing
20:08
Speaker 1: that I want you to do is identify if you're
20:11
Speaker 1: taking work home with you in other areas such as
20:14
Speaker 1: your phone, your email. Don't check anything related to work
20:20
Speaker 1: at all. Don't bring it home with you. Nothing, nothing, nothing.
20:24
Speaker 1: I don't care if you've got tasked to do unless
20:25
Speaker 1: you are paid to work. When you get home, you
20:29
Speaker 1: do not work. Do not reply to a text, you do
20:31
Speaker 1: not reply to an email, do not do any of that.
20:34
Speaker 1: I know that France has actually made it illegal for
20:36
Speaker 1: people to be expected to work outside of those hours,
20:39
Speaker 1: but even in Australia it is not enforceable. If your
20:43
Speaker 1: job expects you to do work outside of those hours
20:45
Speaker 1: when you are not getting paid. That is illegal to
20:47
Speaker 1: expect you to do work where you are not paid. Okay,
20:51
Speaker 1: if you love it and you enjoy it and you
20:54
Speaker 1: want to do it. But that's not the case because
20:56
Speaker 1: you're not enjoying it and it's all you can think about.
20:59
Speaker 1: So make sure that there's a very clear boundary between
21:02
Speaker 1: when you walk out of the door and then when
21:04
Speaker 1: you walk in the door the following day. It's got
21:07
Speaker 1: to be a very clear, clear, clear boundary. That's the
21:10
Speaker 1: next thing. The next thing that I would do is
21:13
Speaker 1: make sure that when you get home, are you actually
21:16
Speaker 1: resting or are you doing behaviors that are tricking you
21:20
Speaker 1: into resting when you're actually not resting. So an example
21:23
Speaker 1: of this is sometimes we've had such an overwhelming day emotionally,
21:26
Speaker 1: and then we get home, we flop down on the
21:29
Speaker 1: couch and we get on our phone and we start
21:30
Speaker 1: scrolling and scrolling and scrolling, and we think that that's
21:35
Speaker 1: our downtime and that's our rest But what you're actually
21:38
Speaker 1: doing is you are further depleting your emotions even more,
21:43
Speaker 1: or your neurochemicals, or your your the capacity of your mood.
21:48
Speaker 1: You're depleting it. So not only are you physically tired
21:51
Speaker 1: off to work, but you've got this emotional drain. It's
21:54
Speaker 1: like mental drain. And then you get home, you get
21:57
Speaker 1: on TV or phone or whatever, and you just keep
22:01
Speaker 1: draining it even further. Because these devices are designed to
22:05
Speaker 1: you know, well, they're designed to give you that hit
22:07
Speaker 1: of dopamancy. You stay on it, but then ultimately it's
22:09
Speaker 1: depleting you of your willingness to do other things, So
22:11
Speaker 1: then you feel flat, you feel down, so you're more
22:14
Speaker 1: likely to ruminate on things that are probably stressing you out.
22:17
Speaker 1: You're more likely to your mind is more likely to
22:20
Speaker 1: be giared towards more negative, stressful things, and so you're
22:23
Speaker 1: going to not feel that great. Than because of that,
22:25
Speaker 1: your quality of sleep is probably not going to be
22:27
Speaker 1: that great, and then because of that, your morning's probably
22:29
Speaker 1: not going to be that great. So I would be
22:31
Speaker 1: really big on setting up what do I want my
22:33
Speaker 1: afternoons to look like so I feel really fulfilled? Can
22:36
Speaker 1: I have I don't know if you've got a family
22:38
Speaker 1: or not. Or can I get home and go for
22:40
Speaker 1: a walk, listen to some music. Can I go somewhere
22:43
Speaker 1: and read a book. Is it possible for me to
22:44
Speaker 1: meet up with a friend, even if we just go
22:46
Speaker 1: and have a tea or a coffee somewhere? How do
22:48
Speaker 1: I break it up so I'm not living for my work?
22:51
Speaker 1: How do I make sure that my afternoons are where
22:53
Speaker 1: I truly live my life? Because so many of us
22:57
Speaker 1: it's our weakened and then we're living to work. But
23:00
Speaker 1: the afternoons there's so much to be lived there, but
23:02
Speaker 1: we spend it being like, well, I'm tired now, I'm
23:04
Speaker 1: just going to rest on the couch. We give it.
23:06
Speaker 1: We excuse this doom scrolling as resting, but you're actually
23:10
Speaker 1: not resting. Resting would be reading a book, going for
23:13
Speaker 1: a walk, having a nap, But you doom scrolling, You're
23:16
Speaker 1: actually making yourself more emotionally fatigued. So I would create
23:21
Speaker 1: a really cool maybe every Tuesday I would do like
23:24
Speaker 1: me personally, I get my cousin to come over over
23:27
Speaker 1: tost and we cook a meal together. I don't I'm
23:29
Speaker 1: not on my phone for hours when we do that,
23:31
Speaker 1: you know, we and it's like, really, it feeds your soul.
23:34
Speaker 1: You don't think about anything else. Start like, do a puzzle,
23:37
Speaker 1: go rock climbing, do like, just do random things that
23:40
Speaker 1: you look forward to. What in your afternoon do you
23:44
Speaker 1: have that you genuinely look forward to? Do you have activities?
23:48
Speaker 1: Do you have things that you can do that you
23:50
Speaker 1: look forward to? And then in the morning, same deal.
23:52
Speaker 1: How can you make your mornings really enjoyable? You know?
23:56
Speaker 1: Can you go and work out with somebody and you
23:59
Speaker 1: have fun and then after that you grab a quick
24:01
Speaker 1: coffee before you then go to work. If it's possible.
24:03
Speaker 1: I don't know what your timeline is. I don't know
24:04
Speaker 1: how far you have to commute to work, But how
24:06
Speaker 1: can you do things in your morning that make your
24:08
Speaker 1: morning enjoyable, And of course that it's a routine when
24:11
Speaker 1: you can create a nice routine, even if it's just
24:14
Speaker 1: a twenty minute routine, when you get out of bed
24:17
Speaker 1: and create something nice where you ideally have connection with
24:20
Speaker 1: other people, whether it be you going to the gym
24:22
Speaker 1: or whether it be a walk with a friend or whatever,
24:24
Speaker 1: so you feel connected. You want to create a life
24:27
Speaker 1: outside of those work hours, and there's many ways that
24:29
Speaker 1: you can do it. But make sure that you're protecting
24:32
Speaker 1: your space, you're actually getting adequate rest, You've got things
24:34
Speaker 1: that you want to look forward to. You're protecting your sleep.
24:37
Speaker 1: No devices before bedtime, no devices when you just get up.
24:40
Speaker 1: Make sure that you are not communicating with anybody at
24:42
Speaker 1: work whatsoever outside of those work hours. If they don't
24:45
Speaker 1: like it, too fucking bad. They're not paying you that
24:48
Speaker 1: like this is where he to work. It's business. And yeah,
24:53
Speaker 1: I think that that's going to really help turn your
24:55
Speaker 1: situation around. Okay, because you've got to remind yourself that
24:59
Speaker 1: I think it's good that you want give a lot
25:00
Speaker 1: of yourself to work. I like putting effort into work,
25:02
Speaker 1: and even when I worked for other people, I liked
25:04
Speaker 1: being the best at what I did, or I loved
25:07
Speaker 1: doing it to the best of my capacity. I think
25:08
Speaker 1: that's a nice trait to have. But you don't have
25:10
Speaker 1: to take that home. Do not feel the pressure to
25:13
Speaker 1: take that home. So address it at work and then
25:16
Speaker 1: address everything all your behaviors outside of work as well.
25:19
Speaker 1: Hopefully that helped, but routines and things to look forward
25:22
Speaker 1: to a huge and also avoiding doom scrolling. That is
25:25
Speaker 1: naseev okay. Last question for today's episode. It's called mutual
25:31
Speaker 1: slash amicable breakups. No one talks about these, Hi Lexis.
25:36
Speaker 1: I recently started listening to your podcast after a breakup
25:39
Speaker 1: and I have been absolutely loving it and your advice
25:41
Speaker 1: has truly helped me through such a tough time. Thank you.
25:43
Speaker 1: I've realized by trying to find podcasts and advice there's
25:46
Speaker 1: a slight gap in breakup advice content for when the
25:49
Speaker 1: breakup is mutual, amicable and there was no big argument
25:54
Speaker 1: or toxic blow up that caused the breakup and you
25:56
Speaker 1: still love that person. I recently mutually ended a two
26:00
Speaker 1: point five year long distance relationship because we realized our
26:04
Speaker 1: parts weren't quite aligned as we'd hoped, and the connection
26:07
Speaker 1: felt like it had faded out a bit due to
26:09
Speaker 1: the distance and not knowing when we would be living
26:11
Speaker 1: in the same place. It was so difficult ending at
26:14
Speaker 1: knowing that neither of us did anything wrong. I had
26:17
Speaker 1: no reason to hate him, and also knowing that the
26:20
Speaker 1: relationship was so healthy and amazing and I was so
26:22
Speaker 1: happy being with him. It was almost a very peaceful breakup,
26:26
Speaker 1: if I had to describe it. But still my gut
26:28
Speaker 1: was telling me that we'd reached an end of the
26:30
Speaker 1: road and that the breakup was the only choice for
26:32
Speaker 1: us to grow and embrace new opportunities in life. I'm
26:36
Speaker 1: twenty four, and I want to travel and pursue jobs
26:39
Speaker 1: and experiences in different places. He was more settled in
26:42
Speaker 1: his career in one place and wasn't really striving for
26:45
Speaker 1: the same amount of adventure as I am. As much
26:47
Speaker 1: as I loved him, I knew this difference in pursuits
26:50
Speaker 1: could cause future problems down the line, and I don't
26:52
Speaker 1: want to look back on my twenties and regret being
26:54
Speaker 1: held back in any way. I've been finding it so
26:57
Speaker 1: difficult battling with the waifs and badness around this breakup
27:01
Speaker 1: because I don't really have any bad or toxic things
27:04
Speaker 1: to grasp too, and I find myself reminiscing on our
27:06
Speaker 1: amazing times together and in spiraling into more sadness. I
27:10
Speaker 1: know it's the right decision for me, and I'm excited
27:12
Speaker 1: for my next chapter of life that I can't help questioning.
27:16
Speaker 1: Was there any hope if we just tried talking about
27:18
Speaker 1: the future more. Did I not communicate my wants enough
27:21
Speaker 1: for him to reevaluate his own life path? Did we
27:24
Speaker 1: break up too soon? And what if our paths cross
27:27
Speaker 1: in the future. Please, if you have any advice on
27:29
Speaker 1: these sort of breakups when I don't want to hate
27:31
Speaker 1: my ex or forget about our memories together, but I
27:34
Speaker 1: also want to move forward and be happy, please let
27:36
Speaker 1: me know your thoughts and advice on it. PS. You
27:38
Speaker 1: are incredible and inspiring woman. Love your work. Thank you.
27:43
Speaker 1: This is a very good question. Thank you for sending
27:45
Speaker 1: that in Okay. Can I firstly just say that while
27:49
Speaker 1: it's difficult initially, it is so nice that you don't
27:56
Speaker 1: have bad feelings towards your ex and anger anger. I
27:59
Speaker 1: will agree with you that anger definitely would make it easier.
28:03
Speaker 1: In the beginning, anger makes it easier for you to
28:06
Speaker 1: get over someone initially because you've got something that you
28:09
Speaker 1: can hold onto, you've got something to be angry with.
28:11
Speaker 1: It helps you divert your thoughts from missing and loving
28:14
Speaker 1: to fag and pissed off, and then it cancels the
28:16
Speaker 1: thoughts out. So at the start, I can definitely see
28:19
Speaker 1: how anger can be a very helpful tool to shift
28:22
Speaker 1: those emotions in the beginning. However, in the long term,
28:27
Speaker 1: I think it's really nice and it's a massive lesson
28:31
Speaker 1: and learning curve to be able to have experienced a
28:35
Speaker 1: relationship that ends in a healthy way. That's a very
28:38
Speaker 1: mature thing that two people can do, and it teaches
28:40
Speaker 1: you so much about yourself and how you care for
28:44
Speaker 1: other people, and how to want the best for yourself
28:45
Speaker 1: and other people while not hurting anyone in the process.
28:49
Speaker 1: I think that's very a very mature thing that you
28:51
Speaker 1: can do. But then, of course, on the flip side,
28:53
Speaker 1: there is that pain, because then you get that doubt
28:55
Speaker 1: of what was this the right thing? Was this the
28:57
Speaker 1: wrong thing? If it makes you sleep any easy year
29:00
Speaker 1: at night, even people in the most toxic relationships also
29:04
Speaker 1: have that kind of doubt. I think it's very normal,
29:07
Speaker 1: healthy or unhealthy to have this doubt of like, ah,
29:10
Speaker 1: should I have left? Is this the right thing? Is
29:11
Speaker 1: this the wrong thing? Now, this is still relatively fresh
29:16
Speaker 1: when you've got to look at it at a relationship
29:19
Speaker 1: and a breakup as initially a void. When you break
29:24
Speaker 1: up with somebody, there is the void of that person
29:27
Speaker 1: leaving your life, and a lot of people know that
29:32
Speaker 1: that void is coming up, so they refuse to leave
29:34
Speaker 1: a relationship until they've got the next thing locked in.
29:37
Speaker 1: This is where people start speaking to someone or seeing
29:39
Speaker 1: someone and they don't that their partner and that they've
29:41
Speaker 1: got because they can't fathom the void. Okay, there's many
29:45
Speaker 1: other reasons why people will do the monkey dating, where
29:48
Speaker 1: you swing from one branch and don't let go of
29:50
Speaker 1: that until you hold on to the other one. But
29:51
Speaker 1: we're not going into that. But this void doesn't just
29:55
Speaker 1: go away on its own. You need to now say
29:59
Speaker 1: what I'm am I going to replace this void with. Now,
30:04
Speaker 1: people replace it with unhealthy things, and then people can
30:07
Speaker 1: replace it with healthy things. Obviously, my advice is to
30:09
Speaker 1: replace it with healthy things, but those healthy things are
30:12
Speaker 1: things like Okay, well, and doesn't matter if they were
30:16
Speaker 1: a long distance either. But you had this person in
30:17
Speaker 1: your life who you'd call often, who you would you know,
30:19
Speaker 1: you want to start creating new memories without this person,
30:23
Speaker 1: You want to start creating new You want to travel overseas.
30:26
Speaker 1: Start putting things into practice. Now, start putting things into
30:29
Speaker 1: action to make that trip happen. If you broke up
30:32
Speaker 1: because you're heading in different directions, then there's more intention
30:35
Speaker 1: for you to go and head in that different direction.
30:36
Speaker 1: There's nothing worse than being like, oh, we're breaking up
30:39
Speaker 1: because in the future I want to travel, and then
30:40
Speaker 1: you just sit there regretting that you broke up. But
30:42
Speaker 1: they're not also not traveling. So if you want to travel,
30:44
Speaker 1: put your money where your mouth is and start making
30:46
Speaker 1: that happen. Do you need to work more to save more?
30:48
Speaker 1: Do you already have the money to do it? Start
30:50
Speaker 1: booking that flight, make it happen. You've created a void
30:53
Speaker 1: because you needed to. Trust me, you wouldn't have done
30:56
Speaker 1: this if you didn't need to. Deep down, you needed to.
30:59
Speaker 1: You're just seeing him and you're trying to convince yourself
31:02
Speaker 1: that it might have been a bad idea. It wasn't
31:03
Speaker 1: a bad idea because you both were heading in different
31:05
Speaker 1: directions and you both knew it okay, So it's never
31:08
Speaker 1: a bad idea if you feel that it's not the
31:10
Speaker 1: right thing, I don't think there's anything wrong with that.
31:13
Speaker 1: So now you just need to be like, all right,
31:15
Speaker 1: I now don't have this person in my life. I
31:17
Speaker 1: now need something that I want to work towards, that
31:20
Speaker 1: I feel that is really fulfilling, that's exciting, that I
31:23
Speaker 1: can look forward to, And the fact that you want
31:26
Speaker 1: to travel, this is the perfect thing to be working towards.
31:29
Speaker 1: Start figuring out what you want to do when you're overseas.
31:31
Speaker 1: Start figuring out what you want to see, what kind
31:33
Speaker 1: of people you'd love to meet, what kind of experiences
31:35
Speaker 1: you want to have. Get really clear on that, and
31:37
Speaker 1: you want to use up your time working towards something
31:41
Speaker 1: that means something to you in the interim. Start doing
31:46
Speaker 1: more things that are different to what you were doing
31:49
Speaker 1: when you were in a relationship. So change up your
31:52
Speaker 1: afternoon routine, Start doing more activities or adventures. Start hanging
31:56
Speaker 1: out with people that maybe you haven't seen in a bit.
31:58
Speaker 1: You know, once you want to start creating an emotional
32:01
Speaker 1: distance between you and the relationship to help you move
32:05
Speaker 1: a little bit away from the relationship so you can
32:07
Speaker 1: turn around and look at that relationship through a different
32:10
Speaker 1: lens as well. I'm so fucking grateful that I was
32:13
Speaker 1: able to have a relationship where someone cared for me,
32:17
Speaker 1: loved me, I could love them back. We were kind to
32:19
Speaker 1: each other and then we let each other go at
32:21
Speaker 1: the time that we needed to. How nice is that
32:23
Speaker 1: that we could provide that for each other. You will
32:26
Speaker 1: carry that with you forever. It will be a really
32:28
Speaker 1: nice thing, and you will always look back on that
32:31
Speaker 1: relationship and on your ex with kind eyes, and that's
32:33
Speaker 1: a really really nice thing to have. And trust me,
32:37
Speaker 1: you can get to a point where you can look
32:38
Speaker 1: back and only ever want the best for him and
32:41
Speaker 1: feel so good about it and not have any loving
32:45
Speaker 1: thoughts or regret in that way, you just feel like
32:49
Speaker 1: a really nice feeling and you ask yourself, what if
32:54
Speaker 1: our parts cross in the future, doesn't matter. It doesn't
32:58
Speaker 1: matter because in the future, as you grow, as he grows,
33:01
Speaker 1: you're going to evolve into the people that you're going
33:03
Speaker 1: to evolve into. If five years down the line, after
33:06
Speaker 1: you've done all your traveling and after he has lived
33:08
Speaker 1: the life that he's wanted to live. You happen to
33:11
Speaker 1: cross cross paths, you're going to be different to who
33:15
Speaker 1: you are now to an extent. And if you happen
33:19
Speaker 1: to be a good match for each other, so be it.
33:22
Speaker 1: But it's not going to be the relationship that it was.
33:24
Speaker 1: So I would look at that as if you happen
33:27
Speaker 1: to cross pass and you happen to date, I would
33:29
Speaker 1: look at that as just the same as if you
33:32
Speaker 1: met someone different and dated somebody different, because it is
33:34
Speaker 1: a brand new, different relationship. So who cares if you
33:37
Speaker 1: crossed past in the future and then you realize, yeah,
33:40
Speaker 1: it's working. And if you cross paths in the future
33:43
Speaker 1: and you're like, wow, I really want to be with you,
33:45
Speaker 1: but now you don't want to be with me, then
33:47
Speaker 1: it's not the love of your life and you made
33:50
Speaker 1: the right decision breaking up. A lot of people think,
33:52
Speaker 1: have I, have I let go of something, have I
33:55
Speaker 1: made a mistake? Have I whatever? Because in the future
33:57
Speaker 1: now they don't want to be with me. Well, then
33:58
Speaker 1: there's your answer. They don't want to be with you.
34:01
Speaker 1: There is your answer. That's a good confirmation that it
34:06
Speaker 1: just was not meant to be the relationship for you. You've
34:09
Speaker 1: left for a reason. And if you cross paths in
34:11
Speaker 1: the future and one if you wants it and one
34:13
Speaker 1: if you doesn't, then it's not meant to be. Even
34:16
Speaker 1: if you're the one that wants it, it is not
34:18
Speaker 1: mad to be okay. A true loving relationship is where
34:22
Speaker 1: both people want it and where both people both at
34:27
Speaker 1: the same time want to be working towards it. If
34:29
Speaker 1: that is not the case, it's not a bad thing,
34:32
Speaker 1: it's not a failure. It's just not meant to be okay,
34:36
Speaker 1: And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. No one's done
34:39
Speaker 1: anything wrong. So my biggest advice to you is that
34:42
Speaker 1: right now you're suffering because you're really noticing that void.
34:45
Speaker 1: So then you're starting to fool yourself into thinking you've
34:47
Speaker 1: made a mistake by asking yourself these difficult questions. But
34:50
Speaker 1: what I would recommend is work really hard on your
34:53
Speaker 1: next project, you know, do it with you know, be
34:56
Speaker 1: intentional about your next thing, about your travels, about all
34:58
Speaker 1: of that. All right, thank you so much for listening.
35:00
Speaker 1: Thank you for the great, great, great questions that you
35:03
Speaker 1: guys have been writing in. I absolutely love doing these
35:05
Speaker 1: head nose episodes and answering your questions. Like I said,
35:07
Speaker 1: you can now send in a voice message to me
35:11
Speaker 1: or you can still just email through your questions. So
35:13
Speaker 1: the email is info at dyfmpod dot com and the
35:16
Speaker 1: website is dyfmpod dot com. Thank you so much, love
35:21
Speaker 1: you guys, and as always remember becind to yourself. You
35:23
Speaker 1: can't your brain, don't text it from anyone, and especially
35:27
Speaker 1: don't text it from yourself. Don't it