Latest / Black Girls Are Easy Podcast / Red Flags, Green Flags, and Why We Ignore Both (Messy Relationships)

Transcript

Red Flags, Green Flags, and Why We Ignore Both (Messy Relationships) · Black Girls Are Easy Podcast

• 0:02
  Speaker 1: This is Sparta! Once again, it's time. You've read the books.
• 0:07
  Speaker 1: Solving single. Ho tactics. And men don't love women like you.
• 0:12
  Speaker 1: Now listen to the only podcast that gives you a
• 0:15
  Speaker 1: brutally honest breakdown of dating and relationships. This is GL
• 0:20
  Speaker 1: Lambert Explains It All.
• 0:21
  Speaker 2: Don't be surprised, baby, it's just me.
• 0:24
  Speaker 1: Don't be surprised, boy, when I bust it. We are live.
• 0:30
  Speaker 1: Welcome to another episode of.
• 0:32
  Speaker 2: Weak Bitch Rehab.
• 0:33
  Speaker 1: The only show where we break down messy ass emails.
• 0:59
  Speaker 1: and try to help you get your shit together. Melissa,
• 1:01
  Speaker 1: how's it going? Good.
• 1:03
  Speaker 2: How have you been?
• 1:05
  Speaker 1: I've been good. I've been good. Today's episode is one
• 1:07
  Speaker 1: of the prime examples that you need to talk to
• 1:10
  Speaker 1: someone and get what's going on in your head out
• 1:13
  Speaker 1: into the world. Because a lot of times you sit
• 1:15
  Speaker 1: on these problems and these situations and you think, oh,
• 1:18
  Speaker 1: I got to figure it out. It's not that crazy.
• 1:20
  Speaker 1: But then when you send an email like this and
• 1:23
  Speaker 1: you hear yourself out loud, you're like, wait, I'm doing
• 1:26
  Speaker 1: some really stupid shit. Anyone who wants to be on
• 1:29
  Speaker 1: the show, you can sign up at WBRstory at gmail.com.
• 1:35
  Speaker 1: That's WBRstory at gmail.com. On today's show, we got a
• 1:40
  Speaker 1: good one. So Melissa is going to read the email
• 1:43
  Speaker 1: and then we're going to break down what this woman
• 1:46
  Speaker 1: should do and what people in situations like her should do.
• 1:50
  Speaker 1: So Melissa, let's get to the email.
• 1:54
  Speaker 2: So this one goes, Hey, Gio. I have a crazy
• 1:57
  Speaker 2: dilemma that I need your help with. Please keep an
• 2:00
  Speaker 2: open mind because the first part of this is going
• 2:02
  Speaker 2: to make me seem super basic. I was with my
• 2:05
  Speaker 2: ex-boyfriend Jay for three years. We met through this guy
• 2:09
  Speaker 2: I call my brother, I will call D. D is
• 2:12
  Speaker 2: best friends with my boy cousin. So since I was
• 2:16
  Speaker 2: a teenager, he has always been there to look after me.
• 2:19
  Speaker 2: That's why I call him my brother. Anyway, D worked
• 2:23
  Speaker 2: with Jay. Jay saw that we were friends on Facebook
• 2:27
  Speaker 2: and asked Dee about me. A month later, Dee had
• 2:30
  Speaker 2: hooked me up with Jay, and it was the start
• 2:32
  Speaker 2: of a great first year. The sex was amazing. Jay
• 2:36
  Speaker 2: didn't have any kids or any ex-girlfriend drama, and the
• 2:39
  Speaker 2: cherry on top was that he was not only financially stable,
• 2:44
  Speaker 2: but striving in his position. In short, Jay was my
• 2:48
  Speaker 2: dream guy. So what the hell went wrong? Exhibit A.
• 2:55
  Speaker 2: Jay did not want to move in with me. Even
• 2:58
  Speaker 2: after two years together, he still didn't give me a
• 3:01
  Speaker 2: key to his place. When my rent was raised, he
• 3:05
  Speaker 2: didn't even offer to let me stay at his place
• 3:07
  Speaker 2: while I looked for one on my own. When I
• 3:10
  Speaker 2: asked about this, he brushed it off. No real answer.
• 3:15
  Speaker 2: Exhibit B. My family throws these amazing New Year's Eve
• 3:21
  Speaker 2: parties for our close family and friends. This particular year,
• 3:25
  Speaker 2: Jay got way too drunk and ended up making out
• 3:28
  Speaker 2: with a friend on the balcony. And I know this
• 3:34
  Speaker 2: because a family member who has no reason to lie
• 3:37
  Speaker 2: saw them. I confronted Jay. He denied kissing her, but
• 3:42
  Speaker 2: I made his life hell for weeks. Then after reading
• 3:46
  Speaker 2: your book, I decided to cut him off. He ran
• 3:49
  Speaker 2: back and told me that he wasn't lying. He never
• 3:52
  Speaker 2: kissed the girl. She was kissing on his neck. Why
• 3:56
  Speaker 2: do men always have to use half-truths, Gio? I'm not dumb.
• 4:01
  Speaker 2: Why would he even allow her to suck on his neck? Ooh,
• 4:05
  Speaker 2: you have a lot of exhibits. Exhibit C. The final
• 4:10
  Speaker 2: straw as I took him back for the balcony incident
• 4:14
  Speaker 2: was that Dee told me that Jay had cheated on
• 4:17
  Speaker 2: me twice. Dee's loyalty was to me, but Jay swore...
• 4:23
  Speaker 2: He would change, so he kept it a secret for
• 4:25
  Speaker 2: the sake of my feelings. After the balcony thing, D
• 4:29
  Speaker 2: came clean about all he knew and even showed me
• 4:32
  Speaker 2: texts from J. I broke up with J, but never
• 4:36
  Speaker 2: told him that I found out from D. This brings
• 4:39
  Speaker 2: me to my current life. I'm in a relationship with D.
• 4:45
  Speaker 1: Yep.
• 4:46
  Speaker 2: My pretend brother. He was there when I was down,
• 4:50
  Speaker 2: and it just happened. He confessed he always loved me,
• 4:53
  Speaker 2: and I decided to give it a shot. I know
• 4:56
  Speaker 2: what you're going to say, and no, I was not
• 4:58
  Speaker 2: over Jay. It's been four months with Dee. Then last month,
• 5:05
  Speaker 2: Jay began sending me messages on IG. One thing led
• 5:11
  Speaker 2: to another, and we met up, and we had closure sex.
• 5:18
  Speaker 2: Closure sex has been going on ever since. We even
• 5:22
  Speaker 2: did it this morning as soon as D left to
• 5:25
  Speaker 2: help his mother with some work around her house. I
• 5:32
  Speaker 2: feel terrible as D is not only my friend, but
• 5:36
  Speaker 2: a great guy. The sex with D has never been
• 5:40
  Speaker 2: on the level of J, but that's on me. I
• 5:44
  Speaker 2: just don't feel the passion for him that I should
• 5:47
  Speaker 2: with intimate. Today, J asked if we could give it
• 5:51
  Speaker 2: another shot. And he doesn't want to share me with
• 5:54
  Speaker 2: his friends. GL, what do I do in this situation?
• 5:58
  Speaker 2: D is willing to move in with me. He talks
• 6:01
  Speaker 2: about children and marriage frequently. And he has a lot
• 6:05
  Speaker 2: to offer. But J has a certain swag to him
• 6:09
  Speaker 2: that just drives me crazy across the board. Should I
• 6:13
  Speaker 2: stay with my boyfriend and cut J off? Or should
• 6:16
  Speaker 2: I follow my heart and get back with J and
• 6:19
  Speaker 2: see what happens this time around? I know my choice
• 6:22
  Speaker 2: will hurt someone either way and their friendship will most
• 6:25
  Speaker 2: likely end. But I want to spartan up and be
• 6:29
  Speaker 2: happy for once.
• 6:30
  Speaker 1: Help.
• 6:31
  Speaker 2: Sincerely, Miss Dilemma.
• 6:33
  Speaker 1: Wow. That's a lot to unpack. Miss Dilemma has gotten
• 6:41
  Speaker 1: herself into a love triangle that I would never want
• 6:44
  Speaker 1: to be in. So what do you think about all this?
• 6:47
  Speaker 2: She is crazy, first of all, because she's playing with
• 6:50
  Speaker 2: two people's feelings. I feel like somebody is likely to
• 6:55
  Speaker 2: get hurt mentally, emotionally, and maybe even physically. This is
• 7:01
  Speaker 2: a lot.
• 7:02
  Speaker 1: You think Jay is purposely trying to hurt Dee's feelings
• 7:06
  Speaker 1: and just doing this out of spite?
• 7:08
  Speaker 2: No, I think he's just doing what he's allowed to do.
• 7:12
  Speaker 2: She has opened her legs back up. So, of course,
• 7:16
  Speaker 2: he's going to crawl right in. I don't even think.
• 7:19
  Speaker 1: You need that closure sex.
• 7:21
  Speaker 2: Yeah, but... Oh, my goodness. I just cannot imagine. I
• 7:28
  Speaker 2: feel so bad for Dee. That's the only person I
• 7:31
  Speaker 2: feel sad and bad for. And I also feel like
• 7:34
  Speaker 2: Dee should have told her when Jay was cheating before.
• 7:38
  Speaker 1: And the fact that he had text messages and sat
• 7:40
  Speaker 1: on those text messages for, like, I don't know the
• 7:42
  Speaker 1: time frame... So it could have been something where Jay
• 7:45
  Speaker 1: was probably trying to be real with Dee and Dee
• 7:47
  Speaker 1: was like, you know what? I'm not going to say
• 7:49
  Speaker 1: anything now, but I'm going to save all these messages
• 7:52
  Speaker 1: because one day I'm going to get at her ass.
• 7:54
  Speaker 2: If she's always going to be willing to open her
• 7:56
  Speaker 2: legs to Jay, then she needs to leave Dee alone.
• 8:01
  Speaker 2: Or she can just deal with Jay and deal with
• 8:05
  Speaker 2: his nonsense. But she gave us a lot of exhibits.
• 8:07
  Speaker 2: I felt like I was at an art show, Exhibit A,
• 8:09
  Speaker 2: Exhibit B. It was a lot of exhibits. I know
• 8:13
  Speaker 2: people get strung up with sex, but do you really
• 8:18
  Speaker 2: want to deal with all that extra stuff just because
• 8:20
  Speaker 2: the sex is good? He has that swag about him?
• 8:23
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's weird. They were together for three years, right?
• 8:26
  Speaker 1: So three years, all these exhibits of like why he's
• 8:29
  Speaker 1: not the man for me, yet.
• 8:32
  Speaker 2: You can't let go.
• 8:34
  Speaker 1: So if she does choose J, the man with the
• 8:37
  Speaker 1: swag over D, the nice guy, ex-best friend, then... what's
• 8:43
  Speaker 1: really going to change is going to be exhibit D,
• 8:46
  Speaker 1: exhibit E, exhibit F. It's going to be on D.
• 8:50
  Speaker 2: Exactly.
• 8:51
  Speaker 1: I think the problem is when she and Jay were
• 8:55
  Speaker 1: going through all these different dramas, the moving in thing,
• 8:58
  Speaker 1: the cheating thing, the balcony thing is something we haven't
• 9:01
  Speaker 1: even touched yet. And that's really messy. What does she
• 9:04
  Speaker 1: really want out of Jay? And why didn't she go
• 9:07
  Speaker 1: to Jay and say, look, this is what's going on.
• 9:09
  Speaker 1: This is what I need to see happen. If you
• 9:12
  Speaker 1: can't do that, we need to leave. It's basically like
• 9:15
  Speaker 1: she almost got forced to make the choice too soon
• 9:17
  Speaker 1: because Dee's like, here's receipts of this guy's cheating. What
• 9:20
  Speaker 1: are you going to do? And her anger, you know
• 9:23
  Speaker 1: how it is when you get angry, you just react.
• 9:25
  Speaker 1: In her anger, she's like, I'm not going to put
• 9:28
  Speaker 1: up with this cheating and you just disrespect me in
• 9:30
  Speaker 1: front of my friend. I'm gone. But the real her,
• 9:34
  Speaker 1: the non-angry her was like, but this is my dream
• 9:38
  Speaker 1: guy still, even with all this shit. I don't think
• 9:40
  Speaker 1: she got the chance to really process it because here's
• 9:42
  Speaker 1: the thing about cheating breakups. Everyone can agree like, hey,
• 9:48
  Speaker 1: if someone cheats on you, maybe you need to step
• 9:51
  Speaker 1: back and break up with that person. The first reaction
• 9:53
  Speaker 1: is always walk away. They cheat once, they're going to
• 9:56
  Speaker 1: cheat twice. But the reality of cheating is if you
• 10:01
  Speaker 1: just break up because they cheated, but you're not ready
• 10:05
  Speaker 1: to break up with them, you're going to go back
• 10:06
  Speaker 1: to them because your heart's not ready to move on.
• 10:10
  Speaker 1: You're going to try to justify that cheating or say, wait,
• 10:13
  Speaker 1: there's endless cases of people who did only cheat once
• 10:16
  Speaker 1: and things got better or people who went to therapy
• 10:18
  Speaker 1: and things got better. So, for Dee to present this
• 10:22
  Speaker 1: cheating evidence and her to just say, you know what,
• 10:24
  Speaker 1: fuck it, I'm gone, was kind of, I think it
• 10:28
  Speaker 1: threw her off.
• 10:30
  Speaker 2: Yeah, she probably didn't want to look, I don't like
• 10:33
  Speaker 2: the word, but she probably didn't want to look stupid
• 10:36
  Speaker 2: in front of her friends. Like, she probably thought she
• 10:40
  Speaker 2: was going to be judged, like, oh, you still dealing
• 10:41
  Speaker 2: with him and he's cheating on you all these times? So,
• 10:45
  Speaker 2: I completely get what you're saying, just calling it off.
• 10:50
  Speaker 2: as soon as somebody brings you this evidence, but you
• 10:52
  Speaker 2: really not ready. Like, you don't even process it. And
• 10:56
  Speaker 2: it's just like, all right, whatever, I'm leaving him alone.
• 10:58
  Speaker 2: And then you, even later on, hours later that night,
• 11:01
  Speaker 2: you still thinking like, well, damn, did they really cheat? Like,
• 11:04
  Speaker 2: did they all go the whole, how many yards? Is
• 11:07
  Speaker 2: it nine yards, 10 yards? I'm not a sports person, y'all.
• 11:12
  Speaker 2: Did they go the whole 10 yards? You know, did
• 11:14
  Speaker 2: they just sit?
• 11:15
  Speaker 1: Did he just put the tip in? Maybe it was
• 11:17
  Speaker 1: on the head? Yeah, like, did he cuddle the bitch afterwards.
• 11:21
  Speaker 2: Did he say he loved her so it's so many
• 11:24
  Speaker 2: things and I think that we've all been there so
• 11:27
  Speaker 2: you definitely after a while you start thinking about all
• 11:31
  Speaker 2: the different scenarios like I mean it was just a
• 11:34
  Speaker 2: little bit of cheating it wasn't like a full cheat like.
• 11:38
  Speaker 1: He wasn't buying her stuff and spending the night he
• 11:41
  Speaker 1: just put his dick in three times yeah he.
• 11:42
  Speaker 2: Just pushed her like it's not that bad he's a
• 11:46
  Speaker 2: good guy.
• 11:48
  Speaker 1: Anything that happens in the heat of passion, you need
• 11:51
  Speaker 1: time to sit and think on it and then make
• 11:54
  Speaker 1: your decision. A lot of people say, no, no, no.
• 11:57
  Speaker 1: If you do this, you do that. I'm done with you.
• 12:00
  Speaker 2: Cool.
• 12:00
  Speaker 1: But for a lot of people, they need to process
• 12:03
  Speaker 1: the shit before they make a decision because a lot
• 12:06
  Speaker 1: of people recycle X's. A lot of people go back
• 12:09
  Speaker 1: in circles because they're not mentally ready to move on
• 12:11
  Speaker 1: to the next step. In this case, she had somebody
• 12:15
  Speaker 1: willing to move that next step quicker. It's like, okay,
• 12:18
  Speaker 1: I don't have Jay, but here's this guy, he probably
• 12:21
  Speaker 1: came to see her every day, called her every day,
• 12:25
  Speaker 1: probably took her out, try to make her laugh, try
• 12:27
  Speaker 1: to make her smile. And so she's like, well, I
• 12:29
  Speaker 1: may not have the man I want, but I have
• 12:32
  Speaker 1: my friend here who's trying to make me feel better.
• 12:35
  Speaker 1: And then, you know, Dee being a guy probably started
• 12:37
  Speaker 1: letting her like rub her booty.
• 12:39
  Speaker 2: A little bit, give her a little peck on her forehead.
• 12:45
  Speaker 2: He yawned and put that arm around her. Oh, come here, baby.
• 12:52
  Speaker 2: But yeah, I mean, but Dee has probably honestly loved him,
• 12:58
  Speaker 2: like she said, since they were younger. They grew up together.
• 13:01
  Speaker 2: So he probably always had those feelings for her, but
• 13:04
  Speaker 2: they had titled themselves brother and sister. So he probably
• 13:09
  Speaker 2: felt like it would be a line being crossed. I
• 13:12
  Speaker 2: don't know if he felt the type of way that
• 13:14
  Speaker 2: her boy cousin, does she say, may have felt some
• 13:16
  Speaker 2: way about it. So maybe he felt like this was
• 13:21
  Speaker 2: his opportunity. He was there, like you say, coming over
• 13:23
  Speaker 2: to see her, checking up, bringing her some chocolate or
• 13:26
  Speaker 2: whatever she needed, some ice cream after this breakup. And
• 13:30
  Speaker 2: she was open and vulnerable and he was in love
• 13:32
  Speaker 2: and they just kind of felt together.
• 13:35
  Speaker 1: I can't blame Dee because when feelings are real, they're real.
• 13:41
  Speaker 1: And you can't hide them no matter what's going on.
• 13:43
  Speaker 1: So I can definitely see, like, I can make a
• 13:45
  Speaker 1: joke about, yeah, you try to slide the hand down,
• 13:47
  Speaker 1: but it probably was natural. Like, hey, let me get
• 13:51
  Speaker 1: on my shoulder or you need a hug. And, you know,
• 13:53
  Speaker 1: you start feeling certain things and she's been involved. Yeah.
• 13:58
  Speaker 2: He's been in love with her, but she's probably always
• 14:00
  Speaker 2: just been looking at him as, oh, what's up, bro?
• 14:04
  Speaker 2: My brother, you know, oh, he's my brother. And never
• 14:07
  Speaker 2: probably had those type of feelings until she was this
• 14:10
  Speaker 2: open and vulnerable after this breakup. Yeah.
• 14:13
  Speaker 1: And for him to admit that I was in love with,
• 14:15
  Speaker 1: I've been in love with you. That's the hard thing.
• 14:16
  Speaker 1: Like for anyone to tell anyone that they like them
• 14:19
  Speaker 1: is weird because, you know, we don't want to be
• 14:21
  Speaker 1: like rejected or somebody like, Oh, that's cute. Or laugh. Oh, laugh.
• 14:24
  Speaker 2: Oh my goodness. Yeah.
• 14:28
  Speaker 1: Stop playing. It's like, no bitch, I'm not playing.
• 14:31
  Speaker 2: No, I'm serious. Yeah.
• 14:34
  Speaker 1: All that play wrestling. It did something to me. If
• 14:39
  Speaker 1: Melissa was Miss Dilemma and you had these two guys.
• 14:42
  Speaker 2: I could never. But what if? Go on.
• 14:46
  Speaker 1: What if? Just saying what if. Would you go with
• 14:49
  Speaker 1: the best friend? Would you go with the ex-boyfriend? Or
• 14:53
  Speaker 1: would you cut them both off? And if so, what
• 14:56
  Speaker 1: would you say if you had to cut them both off?
• 14:59
  Speaker 2: I would choose the friend. I would choose D. Because...
• 15:05
  Speaker 2: Jay already gave me all these reasons as to why
• 15:09
  Speaker 2: we are not meant to be. And if I know
• 15:11
  Speaker 2: where I want my life to be, if I know
• 15:13
  Speaker 2: I want to be married, living together, having children, I
• 15:16
  Speaker 2: feel like she should give D a chance just to see.
• 15:23
  Speaker 2: She needs to let Jay go. So yeah, if it
• 15:27
  Speaker 2: was me speaking, if it was me, I would choose D.
• 15:32
  Speaker 2: But if I had to cut both of them off,
• 15:37
  Speaker 2: Is this me cutting both of them off with letting
• 15:39
  Speaker 2: D know that I've been fucking Jay behind his back?
• 15:42
  Speaker 2: Or is this just me?
• 15:43
  Speaker 1: That's the big, I think, thing that's probably weighing on
• 15:45
  Speaker 1: her head. It's like, how do I tell my boyfriend
• 15:49
  Speaker 1: that I'm fucking my ex-boyfriend that is also his good friend?
• 15:54
  Speaker 2: His friend? Because I feel like Jay would be so
• 15:57
  Speaker 2: shitey and trifling that he would be like, oh, I
• 16:00
  Speaker 2: was fucking her. He seems like that disgusting type of guy.
• 16:04
  Speaker 2: that if she cuts him off, he's going to be like, oh, well,
• 16:07
  Speaker 2: they need to know what was going on. You know,
• 16:09
  Speaker 2: when you went to help your mother, I was banging
• 16:12
  Speaker 2: her back out. That's what was going on. You know
• 16:15
  Speaker 2: that new.
• 16:15
  Speaker 1: Picture in her bedroom? I helped her hang that.
• 16:17
  Speaker 2: This is so, this is definitely a dilemma. Yeah, that's
• 16:22
  Speaker 2: why I'm like, this could never be me. I mean,
• 16:25
  Speaker 2: it would be easy to cut Jay off. Like, look,
• 16:27
  Speaker 2: I can't do this anymore because I would already have
• 16:30
  Speaker 2: ill feelings toward him because of the past. And at
• 16:33
  Speaker 2: this point, it would just be us fucking. Like, I
• 16:35
  Speaker 2: wouldn't have any other emotional type of connection, I guess,
• 16:42
  Speaker 2: with him. Me, I probably would just stop answering the phone.
• 16:46
  Speaker 2: Or if I did have to say something, I'd be like, look,
• 16:48
  Speaker 2: I can't do this anymore. We're done. It's over. Real simple,
• 16:53
  Speaker 2: real easy. But then with Dee... I would try to
• 16:58
  Speaker 2: salvage the friendship, which it would never be the same
• 17:01
  Speaker 2: because they've already crossed certain lines. And then she crossed
• 17:04
  Speaker 2: the extra line cheating on him. So she's definitely going
• 17:08
  Speaker 2: to lose the friend. And maybe she should just ask for,
• 17:11
  Speaker 2: you know, some time, maybe if they could work on
• 17:14
  Speaker 2: their friendship, maybe they could get it together another time.
• 17:18
  Speaker 1: If she went to D and said, look, I relapsed.
• 17:23
  Speaker 1: I was still in love with Jay. I'm sorry. We've
• 17:26
  Speaker 1: been having sex for the past month, but I do
• 17:31
  Speaker 1: want to make things work with you. I'm going to
• 17:33
  Speaker 1: cut Jay off and let's talk about what happened and
• 17:37
  Speaker 1: let's try to heal. And I think if I was
• 17:39
  Speaker 1: D in this situation, I'd be like, look, I get
• 17:42
  Speaker 1: that you still are hung up on him. And I
• 17:45
  Speaker 1: get that no matter how great I am, I can't
• 17:48
  Speaker 1: replace those feelings or erase those feelings. So here's what
• 17:51
  Speaker 1: I need you to do. Let's step back. figure out
• 17:55
  Speaker 1: what you really want to do. And then once you
• 17:58
  Speaker 1: process that, let's try to pick our friendship up from
• 18:01
  Speaker 1: the friendship level and not the romantic level. That's what
• 18:04
  Speaker 1: I would do with D, but at the same time,
• 18:06
  Speaker 1: I can stand back and not have emotions in the game.
• 18:09
  Speaker 1: When your heart's in the game and you finally got
• 18:11
  Speaker 1: that woman that you wanted since you were a teenager,
• 18:14
  Speaker 1: only for this to happen, He's probably crying. He's going
• 18:17
  Speaker 1: to be pissed. He's going to be mad. He probably
• 18:18
  Speaker 1: wants to fight Jay because, dude, why would you go
• 18:21
  Speaker 1: behind her back and do that? I didn't try to
• 18:23
  Speaker 1: have sex with her while you two were together. You
• 18:25
  Speaker 1: know we're together. I see you all the time talking
• 18:28
  Speaker 1: about it. And you're doing this behind my back? That's
• 18:31
  Speaker 1: a total violation of the bro code.
• 18:33
  Speaker 2: Wow, Frank. You know, you're mature, mature. So you definitely
• 18:38
  Speaker 2: would be able to say we can pick our friendship
• 18:40
  Speaker 2: back up? I would hang up on that part.
• 18:42
  Speaker 1: Not like, I probably wouldn't trust her to ever be
• 18:44
  Speaker 1: in a relationship with her again. But I was like, okay,
• 18:47
  Speaker 1: let's try to be friends like we were and see
• 18:51
  Speaker 1: if that can still work. And if that can still work,
• 18:54
  Speaker 1: then maybe something can happen in the future. But I
• 18:57
  Speaker 1: don't think she's a bad woman because I don't think
• 19:01
  Speaker 1: she ever saw her and Jay as really, truly broken up.
• 19:05
  Speaker 1: I think all that time with Dee, she was probably
• 19:08
  Speaker 1: just trying to push it out of her mind. You
• 19:10
  Speaker 1: know how some people, they heal by avoiding?
• 19:14
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 19:15
  Speaker 1: It's like, we're broken up, but maybe we get back together. Oh,
• 19:19
  Speaker 1: here comes another guy that wants to be with you. Oh,
• 19:21
  Speaker 1: I guess we're together, but secretly me and Jay need
• 19:25
  Speaker 1: to have a talk. We need to see what we're
• 19:27
  Speaker 1: gonna do, but you got a whole ass boyfriend. I
• 19:29
  Speaker 1: don't matter. I need to see what he's doing because
• 19:31
  Speaker 1: that's truly my boyfriend in my head still. I think
• 19:34
  Speaker 1: that's what happened for those four months and then like,
• 19:37
  Speaker 1: or three months before they had sex. And then boom,
• 19:40
  Speaker 1: he hit up on IG, probably like, hey big head. Oh,
• 19:44
  Speaker 1: I like that new hairstyle. Remember that time we went
• 19:47
  Speaker 1: to Applebee's and you ordered that one appetizer and the
• 19:49
  Speaker 1: guy got it mad come.
• 19:51
  Speaker 2: Fuck me and she couldn't even say well I'm sorry
• 19:54
  Speaker 2: I don't know what you're talking about I've never been.
• 19:58
  Speaker 1: To Applebee's he knew what was going on and you
• 20:01
  Speaker 1: know what's funny the funny thing about a lot of
• 20:03
  Speaker 1: men when I get these emails is that they will
• 20:06
  Speaker 1: cheat on their girlfriends and then when they the girl
• 20:10
  Speaker 1: breaks up, right? They don't have anybody to have sex with.
• 20:14
  Speaker 1: It's like, you're running off to get all this new
• 20:17
  Speaker 1: pussy while you're in a relationship. The moment you're out
• 20:19
  Speaker 1: of a relationship, you can't find one girl that wants
• 20:23
  Speaker 1: to fuck you.
• 20:23
  Speaker 2: Yeah, I don't know why I want your single A.
• 20:26
  Speaker 2: I don't know why I want your available A.
• 20:29
  Speaker 1: Yeah, well, I got a girl. I think having a
• 20:31
  Speaker 1: girlfriend gives you a superpower when you're a man. It's like, oh,
• 20:35
  Speaker 1: I got a girl so I feel so confident that
• 20:37
  Speaker 1: I can go get some side pussy. Once that relationship ends, crickets.
• 20:42
  Speaker 2: You know what's crazy? They were talking about wearing wedding rings.
• 20:46
  Speaker 2: And this guy was saying, well, a couple of guys
• 20:48
  Speaker 2: were saying they get hit on more when they have
• 20:52
  Speaker 2: their ring on than when they don't wear their rings.
• 20:56
  Speaker 1: And I don't.
• 20:57
  Speaker 2: Know why people are so trifling to want to hit
• 21:01
  Speaker 2: on somebody when you see a wedding ring on their finger.
• 21:04
  Speaker 1: I do notice, like, if I go somewhere to eat
• 21:06
  Speaker 1: or if I'm out with my friends, women will come
• 21:09
  Speaker 1: and talk to you and they'll be very friendly. And
• 21:12
  Speaker 1: my friend pointed it out to me because I was
• 21:13
  Speaker 1: kind of oblivious to it. He's like, girls always like
• 21:17
  Speaker 1: gravitate to you and want to talk to you for
• 21:19
  Speaker 1: some reason. And like, it's not like overly flirty. Like, hey,
• 21:23
  Speaker 1: what's your number? You know, girls don't move that way.
• 21:25
  Speaker 1: And in my mind, I think it's because, oh, here's
• 21:29
  Speaker 1: three men sitting at a bar watching TV, watching sports.
• 21:34
  Speaker 1: I'm going to sit next to the guy who has
• 21:35
  Speaker 1: a wedding ring on because I know he's safe. I
• 21:39
  Speaker 1: can laugh and joke and let my hair down and
• 21:43
  Speaker 1: possibly he's not going to try anything. Whereas I sit
• 21:46
  Speaker 1: next to the guy without a wedding ring, he's going
• 21:48
  Speaker 1: to look at me like fresh meat and be like
• 21:50
  Speaker 1: all over me, asking me all these questions. So I
• 21:53
  Speaker 1: think part of it is the safety factor. Like, oh,
• 21:57
  Speaker 1: he has a ring on his finger. I can do whatever.
• 22:00
  Speaker 1: He's not going to try to get at me like
• 22:02
  Speaker 1: regular guys do. But I think the other side, the
• 22:04
  Speaker 1: darker side of that equation is oh, he has a
• 22:07
  Speaker 1: wedding ring on, let me test my arm and see
• 22:10
  Speaker 1: if I can get a man that's already taken. It's
• 22:12
  Speaker 1: that competition.
• 22:13
  Speaker 2: I don't like either way.
• 22:15
  Speaker 1: The moment you tell somebody, like you, the moment you
• 22:17
  Speaker 1: tell somebody you're married, they're not going to be like, oh, oh,
• 22:21
  Speaker 1: I respect your relationship. Most times they're going to be like,
• 22:24
  Speaker 1: she says she's married, but is she married, married? It's like,
• 22:27
  Speaker 1: there's a dark side curiosity of like, how far can
• 22:30
  Speaker 1: I push a person that's married to like talk to me?
• 22:33
  Speaker 1: And I get a lot of times like, I'm not
• 22:36
  Speaker 1: going to go into no deep stories, but there's been
• 22:38
  Speaker 1: times when girls are like, your wife doesn't have to know.
• 22:40
  Speaker 1: And this and that. I'm like, lady, it's time for
• 22:43
  Speaker 1: this conversation to end and you to go off elsewhere.
• 22:45
  Speaker 1: On another podcast you do called I'm getting a divorce.
• 22:49
  Speaker 1: You have a friend who fell into the trap of
• 22:52
  Speaker 1: having sex with a girl who knew he was married,
• 22:54
  Speaker 1: who worked at a job with him. So it's definitely
• 22:56
  Speaker 1: women who, who purposely go after the married men, but
• 23:01
  Speaker 1: it takes the married man to do it as well. So.
• 23:04
  Speaker 2: That's such a sensitive topic to me. So sensitive.
• 23:09
  Speaker 1: Oh, you know, you just got to keep your eyes
• 23:10
  Speaker 1: on the prize.
• 23:11
  Speaker 2: Yeah.
• 23:12
  Speaker 1: Keep your ring on.
• 23:13
  Speaker 2: I keep my ring on, but I know if a
• 23:16
  Speaker 2: bitch tries it with my wife and you see that
• 23:18
  Speaker 2: ring on her finger, when you look in the mirror,
• 23:21
  Speaker 2: you're going to see a ring around your eye because
• 23:22
  Speaker 2: I'm going to bang you right in it.
• 23:25
  Speaker 1: Not if she keep it on a little like Jay.
• 23:27
  Speaker 1: Just don't go to none of your Z parties. Lord.
• 23:33
  Speaker 2: Oh, okay. So back to this threesome.
• 23:38
  Speaker 1: If Ms. Dilemma wants to stay with D, I think
• 23:41
  Speaker 1: she probably should not tell him about J. That's her
• 23:45
  Speaker 1: best bet if she doesn't want this to crumble.
• 23:47
  Speaker 2: But what's done and done always comes to light.
• 23:52
  Speaker 1: Sometimes. It's wishful thinking in my mind. Maybe 60% of
• 23:58
  Speaker 1: the time it comes to light because people get sloppy
• 24:00
  Speaker 1: and sneaky. Because you got to remember, like, Men are
• 24:04
  Speaker 1: very sloppy when they cheat. Women aren't as sloppy when
• 24:07
  Speaker 1: they cheat. You know how women can be, like how
• 24:10
  Speaker 1: like they think and overthink and backtrack through thoughts. And like,
• 24:13
  Speaker 1: they know how to hide a lot of shit. Here's
• 24:16
  Speaker 1: Jay fucking leaving a trail with text messages and this
• 24:20
  Speaker 1: and that and kiss somebody on a balcony, which is
• 24:21
  Speaker 1: like crazy. So it tells you how sloppy and how
• 24:24
  Speaker 1: much he didn't give a fuck. Here's her waiting till
• 24:27
  Speaker 1: this man goes over to the mother's house to slide
• 24:30
  Speaker 1: her other man into her vagina. she's probably washing the
• 24:34
  Speaker 1: clothes like, oh, I'm going to have him come over
• 24:36
  Speaker 1: on wash day. That way after he leaves, I can
• 24:39
  Speaker 1: wash everything and it doesn't look suspect. She probably planned
• 24:42
  Speaker 1: all this cheating shit out and has been doing it
• 24:44
  Speaker 1: for like a month. So if she were never to tell, say, look, Jay,
• 24:51
  Speaker 1: it's over, but please don't say anything to D. Respect
• 24:55
  Speaker 1: that as a favor to me and as a favor
• 24:57
  Speaker 1: to what we had. Jay will probably be like, you
• 24:59
  Speaker 1: know what? I do love you and I do respect you,
• 25:01
  Speaker 1: so I'm not going to tell Dee anything. She goes
• 25:04
  Speaker 1: back with Dee. Hey, baby, how's it going? These motherfuckers
• 25:08
  Speaker 1: get married in a year, have kids. Ten years later,
• 25:11
  Speaker 1: Jay's at the fucking family reunion. Hey, Dee. Hey, Jay.
• 25:16
  Speaker 1: Never knowing they fucked one time.
• 25:18
  Speaker 2: Wow.
• 25:19
  Speaker 1: So I think she has the skills. She's proven that
• 25:22
  Speaker 1: she has the skills to hide shit. So I don't
• 25:24
  Speaker 1: think her dart would ever come to light unless... jay
• 25:28
  Speaker 1: says something or she gets really sloppy because i don't
• 25:30
  Speaker 1: think there's any evidence to prove that what went down
• 25:32
  Speaker 1: what went down so that's my take on what comes
• 25:35
  Speaker 1: um what happens in the dark comes to.
• 25:36
  Speaker 2: Light okay i'll take that i guess you could just
• 25:39
  Speaker 2: do that and cross the bridge if she ever gets.
• 25:41
  Speaker 1: To it i want to go through like the story
• 25:44
  Speaker 1: in terms of like what went wrong and what you
• 25:49
  Speaker 1: all can learn from this this type of uh dilemma
• 25:54
  Speaker 1: the first thing i want to point out was the exhibits.
• 25:57
  Speaker 1: And they point to one thing, learn to communicate what
• 26:03
  Speaker 1: you want from the person you want. Too many people
• 26:06
  Speaker 1: fall in love with the idea of what a person
• 26:08
  Speaker 1: could be. Then you fast forward a few months or
• 26:11
  Speaker 1: even a few years and they haven't moved at the
• 26:12
  Speaker 1: pace you wanted. So you get mad. You're like, oh, Jay,
• 26:16
  Speaker 1: I want to move in with you. I don't think
• 26:18
  Speaker 1: she ever said I want to move in with you or, hey, Jay,
• 26:21
  Speaker 1: I want a key to your place. She just assumed oh,
• 26:25
  Speaker 1: I'm getting put out of my place so I don't
• 26:26
  Speaker 1: have the money to stay in my place, he's going
• 26:27
  Speaker 1: to offer. Never assume someone's going to move at the
• 26:30
  Speaker 1: pace you want to move at unless you communicate that
• 26:34
  Speaker 1: straight up. Don't demand, discuss where you want to be
• 26:38
  Speaker 1: with them. You know, I know it's hard to risk
• 26:40
  Speaker 1: rejection and someone saying, hey, that's not what I want
• 26:43
  Speaker 1: to do. That's not on an agenda. Yeah, I love you,
• 26:46
  Speaker 1: but I'm not ready for that step. I know you
• 26:48
  Speaker 1: don't want to hear that type of shit, but it's
• 26:50
  Speaker 1: better to put it on front street than wait, wait, wait, wait,
• 26:53
  Speaker 1: and then wake up like, hey, I'm in this relationship
• 26:57
  Speaker 1: with a guy where I don't know where it's going.
• 26:59
  Speaker 1: Or I'm in a relationship with a girl and I
• 27:00
  Speaker 1: don't know where it's going. Or any of the dozen
• 27:03
  Speaker 1: scenarios where you're just basically waiting for the other person
• 27:06
  Speaker 1: to tell you what they want from you rather than saying, hey,
• 27:10
  Speaker 1: this is what I need to be happy going forward.
• 27:13
  Speaker 2: And I agree with that. Communication is definitely the key.
• 27:18
  Speaker 2: And that's a country thing is dangerous.
• 27:22
  Speaker 1: Exactly. Because she could have saved herself a lot of
• 27:24
  Speaker 1: time when that whole thing with the moving thing happened. Like, hey,
• 27:28
  Speaker 1: let's talk about me moving in with you. I know
• 27:31
  Speaker 1: it's been two years. Where do you see this relationship
• 27:34
  Speaker 1: going a year from now? Or two years from now,
• 27:38
  Speaker 1: where do you want me and you to be? If
• 27:40
  Speaker 1: you have that conversation, even before the two-year mark, like
• 27:43
  Speaker 1: I think once that one-year anniversary hits, you two need
• 27:47
  Speaker 1: to start having some deeper conversations. Or even like six
• 27:50
  Speaker 1: months is like, okay, if you're not crazy in love
• 27:54
  Speaker 1: and trying to lock me down within X amount of time,
• 27:56
  Speaker 1: then clearly you're waiting to see something. So tell me
• 27:59
  Speaker 1: what you're waiting to see. When you're in the grips
• 28:02
  Speaker 1: of falling in love, there are certain things you do
• 28:04
  Speaker 1: accelerate it. And when you're only like half sure, you
• 28:10
  Speaker 1: drag your feet a lot. And I think two years
• 28:12
  Speaker 1: is more than enough time to say, hey, I either
• 28:14
  Speaker 1: want you or don't want you.
• 28:15
  Speaker 2: Absolutely.
• 28:16
  Speaker 1: We got to talk about the friendship aspect. I'm sure
• 28:18
  Speaker 1: we'll do a whole episode on dating best friends and
• 28:20
  Speaker 1: platonic friends and the pros and cons of that. But
• 28:24
  Speaker 1: in this case, I think it was more about taking
• 28:26
  Speaker 1: time to heal. The worst thing you can do is
• 28:29
  Speaker 1: jump back in relationship when you're still in love or
• 28:31
  Speaker 1: you're still trying to heal. No, platonic male friends especially
• 28:36
  Speaker 1: are a weird bunch because usually they're the guys that
• 28:40
  Speaker 1: wanted to fuck you, couldn't fuck you, so they fell
• 28:43
  Speaker 1: back into the friend zone. And now they're just sitting
• 28:46
  Speaker 1: there waiting for another shot. And you go calling them like, hey,
• 28:50
  Speaker 1: I'm going through all this drama with my boyfriend or
• 28:52
  Speaker 1: I can't find a guy who I really want to date.
• 28:55
  Speaker 1: And they're sitting there gathering information. She likes this. She
• 28:58
  Speaker 1: doesn't like this. Taking all these notes. And then the
• 29:03
  Speaker 1: moment you're vulnerable, they strike. You got to be aware
• 29:07
  Speaker 1: of like what you're sharing with somebody and then how
• 29:09
  Speaker 1: to use that to their benefit. Because in this situation,
• 29:13
  Speaker 1: I think. going to D probably was natural. Oh, I
• 29:16
  Speaker 1: broke up with yet another guy. Oh, I'm hurt. I'm hurt.
• 29:19
  Speaker 1: What do I do? Should I take them back? This
• 29:20
  Speaker 1: and that. And D was like, wait, don't take them
• 29:24
  Speaker 1: back because here's some text messages of this guy cheating
• 29:28
  Speaker 1: on you. What do I do now? Just chill. And
• 29:32
  Speaker 1: I'm going to help you along. But then at the
• 29:33
  Speaker 1: same time, I'm not saying this is him, but a
• 29:36
  Speaker 1: lot of guys do this. All right. Now that she's
• 29:38
  Speaker 1: off of him, now it's time to move and finally
• 29:41
  Speaker 1: tell her how I feel because if anytime if there's
• 29:44
  Speaker 1: any time I'm going to get her now's that time
• 29:47
  Speaker 1: so just be aware of um be aware of the
• 29:51
  Speaker 1: friends in your life or the people who call themselves
• 29:53
  Speaker 1: your friends in life and their ulterior motives at all
• 29:55
  Speaker 1: times and my next point is closure is overrated. There's
• 30:01
  Speaker 1: sex with your ex because you're horny and you want to,
• 30:03
  Speaker 1: you know, wean yourself off of it. But most times,
• 30:06
  Speaker 1: you know, it's sex with your ex because you want
• 30:10
  Speaker 1: that conversation after the sex to be something fantastic where
• 30:15
  Speaker 1: you say, let's give this another shot or tell me
• 30:19
  Speaker 1: why you didn't want to be with me. It's not
• 30:22
  Speaker 1: all the sex. I think a lot of times, yeah,
• 30:25
  Speaker 1: either the sex is going to change something or the
• 30:26
  Speaker 1: conversation is going to change something. Because the closure you're
• 30:30
  Speaker 1: looking for isn't like, okay, the book's closed. We can
• 30:35
  Speaker 1: still agree to be friends. That's not the closure anyone's
• 30:38
  Speaker 1: really looking for. No one wants to be friends with
• 30:40
  Speaker 1: their exes. The closure is, hey, let's open the book
• 30:43
  Speaker 1: back up, which sounds contradictory, but it's true. It's like,
• 30:47
  Speaker 1: I've never met someone who came to me saying, hey,
• 30:50
  Speaker 1: I just want closure because he ghosted me. Isn't ghosting
• 30:53
  Speaker 1: the closure? They want a second shot. And I think
• 30:56
  Speaker 1: that's the big problem with this whole closure shit. Anyone
• 30:59
  Speaker 1: out there, I know how it feels like you're confused
• 31:04
  Speaker 1: or maybe you did something, but the proof is in
• 31:07
  Speaker 1: the pudding. If it didn't work out, if there were
• 31:10
  Speaker 1: all these red flags, you don't need this final closure
• 31:14
  Speaker 1: to get back or this final closure to feel better
• 31:16
  Speaker 1: about yourself.
• 31:18
  Speaker 2: Move on.
• 31:19
  Speaker 1: Find better. That's how you feel better about yourself. Yes. Yes.
• 31:25
  Speaker 2: I feel like I'm a church.
• 31:27
  Speaker 1: Justify it. And the final point I want to make
• 31:30
  Speaker 1: about all this is just second chances. She's basically writing
• 31:35
  Speaker 1: this email to me saying, it's not, it's like she,
• 31:39
  Speaker 1: she says, should I choose D or should I choose J?
• 31:43
  Speaker 1: Should I choose the new guy or the old guy?
• 31:45
  Speaker 1: But I can read between the lines. This isn't about
• 31:48
  Speaker 1: D at all. This is about, should I give J
• 31:52
  Speaker 1: a certain chance? She said she, even the way she
• 31:55
  Speaker 1: subscribes J is like, He has a swag that drives
• 31:58
  Speaker 1: me crazy. She doesn't say anything. Oh, D's a good guy.
• 32:02
  Speaker 1: Come on. You can listen. She's already made her choice
• 32:05
  Speaker 1: in those words.
• 32:06
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 32:07
  Speaker 1: She's like, writing this email, just like her mind's in
• 32:10
  Speaker 1: a fucking fantasy where like, oh, J, his swag is
• 32:13
  Speaker 1: off the chain. Oh, D, he rubs my feet when
• 32:16
  Speaker 1: I get off work. It's like, she doesn't want the nice.
• 32:18
  Speaker 1: She wants that fucking exciting bad boy type shit. Yeah.
• 32:26
  Speaker 1: Ladies and gentlemen, when you think about giving someone a
• 32:29
  Speaker 1: second chance, ask yourself, why do they deserve a second chance?
• 32:34
  Speaker 1: You know, it's not because we believe in the goodness
• 32:37
  Speaker 1: of people. It's because we think the devil we know
• 32:41
  Speaker 1: is better than the ones that we don't know. It's
• 32:43
  Speaker 1: hard to go out, meet someone new, get to know them,
• 32:46
  Speaker 1: risk getting played or hurt and hoping that, you know,
• 32:50
  Speaker 1: they get you in that same level as your ex.
• 32:51
  Speaker 1: Because the person you've known for like a year or two,
• 32:55
  Speaker 1: knows you a hell of a lot better than you
• 32:56
  Speaker 1: probably know yourself this time. Now you got to stop,
• 33:00
  Speaker 1: get to know someone all over again. And who wants
• 33:03
  Speaker 1: to do that shit? What's the main quote people use?
• 33:06
  Speaker 1: Nobody got time for all that. Nobody got time for
• 33:08
  Speaker 1: all this dating. Just the fuck you do. Your ex's
• 33:14
  Speaker 1: vanilla ice cream in the rest of the world is
• 33:16
  Speaker 1: like rainbow gelato. Gelato will probably be better for you
• 33:20
  Speaker 1: in the end, but you're afraid to try it because
• 33:23
  Speaker 1: it looks weird. It looks different. So you stick with
• 33:25
  Speaker 1: the vanilla ice cream. They know how to talk to you.
• 33:27
  Speaker 1: They know your flaws. They know your secrets. They know
• 33:29
  Speaker 1: how to fuck you for better or worse. What somebody
• 33:32
  Speaker 1: new is like, oh, they don't know not to joke
• 33:34
  Speaker 1: with me about that. Oh, they don't know that secret
• 33:37
  Speaker 1: about what happened in my family when I was seven.
• 33:39
  Speaker 1: They don't know about my little spot I like to
• 33:41
  Speaker 1: hit when I'm having sex. It's like all this shit
• 33:43
  Speaker 1: you got to teach somebody new is daunting when you're
• 33:45
  Speaker 1: just sitting there hurt like, I got to teach this
• 33:48
  Speaker 1: motherfucker everything about me.
• 33:50
  Speaker 2: Go back to that one that knows it all.
• 33:55
  Speaker 1: Exactly. Because there's no guarantee that that new person will
• 33:58
  Speaker 1: actually get you or even want to stay around after
• 34:01
  Speaker 1: they know about you. Because I think a lot of
• 34:03
  Speaker 1: fear is once they know who the real me is,
• 34:08
  Speaker 1: will they still want that? Do they want the fantasy
• 34:10
  Speaker 1: of me and the newness of me? Or do they
• 34:12
  Speaker 1: want to discard me?
• 34:14
  Speaker 2: I mean, I think you should take your chances with
• 34:16
  Speaker 2: the new, though, because you never know. It might not
• 34:18
  Speaker 2: be that spot that the old one knew, but they
• 34:24
  Speaker 2: might find a new one that'll take you higher than
• 34:26
  Speaker 2: you ever went.
• 34:30
  Speaker 1: Testify. Testify.
• 34:31
  Speaker 2: That's definitely my testimony. They might find a new way
• 34:40
  Speaker 2: or a new spot, and instead of you just getting
• 34:42
  Speaker 2: a cloud five, you'll be on cloud like 5,673.
• 34:50
  Speaker 1: And in her case specifically, it's like she's trying on
• 34:53
  Speaker 1: a new shoe, but it's a new shoe that she
• 34:56
  Speaker 1: doesn't even want. And she's like, oh yeah, that old
• 34:59
  Speaker 1: shoe fit much better. It's like, how about you go
• 35:03
  Speaker 1: find you something you actually chose yourself because D fell
• 35:07
  Speaker 1: into your lap.
• 35:08
  Speaker 2: Right.
• 35:09
  Speaker 1: Jay's there trying to get back into your lap. Like
• 35:11
  Speaker 1: you said, there's something new out there that you haven't
• 35:14
  Speaker 1: even touched yet, that you're afraid to even walk that direction,
• 35:20
  Speaker 1: drop both of them, get your mind right, and go
• 35:23
  Speaker 1: find you something that's the best of both worlds. Somebody
• 35:25
  Speaker 1: that can be a nice gentleman to you, but also
• 35:28
  Speaker 1: someone that comes with the swag and excitement that you need.
• 35:33
  Speaker 1: It's tunnel vision, Melissa. It's like, no, no, no, there's
• 35:37
  Speaker 1: nothing else out there for me. You spent three years
• 35:39
  Speaker 1: with one guy, and now in a half a year
• 35:41
  Speaker 1: with a new guy, and There's a whole world out
• 35:45
  Speaker 1: there that you haven't experienced in the past four years.
• 35:47
  Speaker 1: Go that way. Go that a fucking way.
• 35:50
  Speaker 2: I think we forget there's so many other people in
• 35:52
  Speaker 2: the world. Like, after you break up with somebody and
• 35:56
  Speaker 2: then you kind of forget, like, it's all these other
• 35:59
  Speaker 2: people in the world. Like, you don't even know where
• 36:02
  Speaker 2: you're going to travel to. You can go to a
• 36:05
  Speaker 2: state over, you know, and move anything and you can
• 36:07
  Speaker 2: find your dream person. I think we get caught up in, oh,
• 36:11
  Speaker 2: but they were so this and so that. and so
• 36:15
  Speaker 2: toxic as well. And you just forget it's all these
• 36:18
  Speaker 2: other people out here that can be so much better.
• 36:22
  Speaker 2: Like they would treat you the way that you deserve
• 36:25
  Speaker 2: to be treated.
• 36:27
  Speaker 1: I think it's almost like a brainwashing. It's when someone,
• 36:31
  Speaker 1: when you're in the midst of about the breakup or
• 36:33
  Speaker 1: wanting to break up, you remember like, oh, they did me,
• 36:36
  Speaker 1: they did me dirty this way. They weren't there for
• 36:38
  Speaker 1: me in this way. But as soon as you actually
• 36:41
  Speaker 1: break up, all the good times pop in your mind. oh,
• 36:44
  Speaker 1: remember that time when I first did, when you did this? Oh,
• 36:47
  Speaker 1: remember that time? All these positive examples of like why
• 36:50
  Speaker 1: they're right for you pops in your head and all
• 36:52
  Speaker 1: those negative examples become like, you kind of push them out.
• 36:55
  Speaker 1: And then your friends or family who knows the situation
• 36:58
  Speaker 1: will be like, wait, didn't they do this to you?
• 37:01
  Speaker 1: Didn't they do that to you? Oh, well, we both
• 37:04
  Speaker 1: did things to each other. It's like, you're trying to justify,
• 37:08
  Speaker 1: you're trying to justify why.
• 37:10
  Speaker 2: To keep, different i'm going in the house and i'm
• 37:14
  Speaker 2: going to drink half a bottle of wine just from
• 37:18
  Speaker 2: this story here because it really took me for a
• 37:21
  Speaker 2: loop when you first.
• 37:23
  Speaker 1: Read it a one went what the fuck was she
• 37:25
  Speaker 1: thinking here's the thing you know it's like we can
• 37:30
  Speaker 1: judge people because we're not in their shoes we don't
• 37:32
  Speaker 1: walk in their shoes because like i would never let
• 37:34
  Speaker 1: myself get in this position but this was her life
• 37:36
  Speaker 1: she had a great best friend she had a what
• 37:38
  Speaker 1: she thought was a great boyfriend and Shit hit the fan.
• 37:41
  Speaker 1: When she wrote me this, my advice was to cut
• 37:45
  Speaker 1: them both off. Of course, I'm going to say, get
• 37:48
  Speaker 1: rid of both of them. It's like, do you hear
• 37:50
  Speaker 1: what you just wrote? And my whole thing, and anyone
• 37:53
  Speaker 1: who sends me emails knows this. I prefer you to
• 37:56
  Speaker 1: email me. because I want you to write that shit
• 37:59
  Speaker 1: out and then read it back to yourself because you
• 38:02
  Speaker 1: see how you look. A lot of times it's easy
• 38:04
  Speaker 1: to judge someone else's story because we're too close. Putting
• 38:08
  Speaker 1: it in writing and having to read your own mess
• 38:10
  Speaker 1: back makes you say, wow, what the fuck was I thinking?
• 38:13
  Speaker 1: This is a easy solution. So in her case, I
• 38:18
  Speaker 1: was like, reread what you wrote me and then write
• 38:22
  Speaker 1: me back again and tell me what you think you
• 38:25
  Speaker 1: should do before I give you my take on it.
• 38:27
  Speaker 1: And she's like, I don't think either one of them
• 38:31
  Speaker 1: are the men for me. Same reasons we just laid out.
• 38:35
  Speaker 1: I basically gave it to her in email form. But
• 38:37
  Speaker 1: then here's the cherry on top was this. Tell Jay first. Jay,
• 38:44
  Speaker 1: our relationship was never as great as I thought it was.
• 38:47
  Speaker 1: And here's why. And she gave him basically like he cheated,
• 38:52
  Speaker 1: the whole moving in thing, the whole being sneaky about
• 38:54
  Speaker 1: the key to his apartment. No matter how much money
• 38:57
  Speaker 1: he made or how nice he was during the nice times,
• 39:00
  Speaker 1: he was only ever at about 75% when she needed 100%.
• 39:04
  Speaker 1: Some women settle for 75%. But I'm like, I told him,
• 39:09
  Speaker 1: I like talk to Jay first, tell him we would
• 39:13
  Speaker 1: never work and we didn't work. Then after you settle
• 39:16
  Speaker 1: things with Jay, go to D and explain to D
• 39:20
  Speaker 1: straight up. This is why I should have never crossed
• 39:25
  Speaker 1: the line with you. Yes, we're good friends, but I
• 39:29
  Speaker 1: do not have those feelings for you that I should
• 39:31
  Speaker 1: have in order to get into a relationship I was
• 39:34
  Speaker 1: vulnerable and I'm not blaming you for going for it
• 39:39
  Speaker 1: I respect you for being honest but I was hurting
• 39:43
  Speaker 1: I made the wrong mistake and I apologize for leading
• 39:45
  Speaker 1: you on by agreeing to a relationship And if he
• 39:49
  Speaker 1: really is your friend, and if he's known you since
• 39:52
  Speaker 1: you were a teenager, he will respect that your choice
• 39:56
  Speaker 1: to be with him was made under duress. It's like
• 39:59
  Speaker 1: making someone confess to a crime that they didn't do
• 40:02
  Speaker 1: because they've been up fucking 72 hours in a fucking
• 40:04
  Speaker 1: little room. Of course they're going to break. That was her.
• 40:08
  Speaker 1: I'm like, you weren't in your proper mindset when you
• 40:10
  Speaker 1: agreed to this relationship. You just wanted somebody. Exactly. I
• 40:13
  Speaker 1: was like, tell D that. Don't lead with the cheating.
• 40:17
  Speaker 1: Just tell him that. And she did both of those
• 40:21
  Speaker 1: two things. She went to Jay first. I think she
• 40:24
  Speaker 1: saw Jay in person because he thought it was going
• 40:25
  Speaker 1: to be a booty call session. But then she just
• 40:27
  Speaker 1: told him like, hey, this never worked out. He was upset, pissed, whatever.
• 40:30
  Speaker 1: I think Dee took it a little hard. I think
• 40:33
  Speaker 1: Dee fought to try to keep the relationship going. Like, oh,
• 40:36
  Speaker 1: I understand what you're saying because da, da, da. But
• 40:39
  Speaker 1: we can make it work. We can take a step
• 40:41
  Speaker 1: back because he really loved her. And she didn't tell
• 40:44
  Speaker 1: him about the cheating. I was like, do not talk
• 40:45
  Speaker 1: about the cheating because if she would have told Dee
• 40:48
  Speaker 1: about the cheating, it would have became a messy situation
• 40:51
  Speaker 1: between he and Jay. I didn't want that. I didn't
• 40:55
  Speaker 1: want that to confuse the whole situation. You know, you
• 40:57
  Speaker 1: see all this messy shit online, on social media, and it's...
• 41:01
  Speaker 1: You don't need to do that shit if you keep
• 41:02
  Speaker 1: it in-house. Keep your secrets in-house.
• 41:05
  Speaker 2: He probably would have thought that the breakup was because
• 41:07
  Speaker 2: she still wanted to have sex with Jay, maybe.
• 41:11
  Speaker 1: Bingo. By not confessing that and just saying it was
• 41:14
  Speaker 1: about her mental state, she got to dodge the whole
• 41:16
  Speaker 1: cheating shit, which is why Dee probably... fort to try
• 41:20
  Speaker 1: to keep it going on yeah her second email was
• 41:22
  Speaker 1: about uh a new guy that she was dating and
• 41:24
  Speaker 1: like oh what things should i do this time around
• 41:26
  Speaker 1: to make sure me and him vibe on the same
• 41:28
  Speaker 1: level because and she said jay's gone i don't talk
• 41:32
  Speaker 1: to him uh d's still around but we don't talk
• 41:35
  Speaker 1: as much so in my mind d probably fell all
• 41:37
  Speaker 1: the way back and which is good for him so
• 41:40
  Speaker 1: she got the best case scenario over this she's dating
• 41:43
  Speaker 1: new people her and d aren't not friends, but they
• 41:47
  Speaker 1: aren't close friends anymore. And Jay is probably laying and
• 41:51
  Speaker 1: waiting for his time to hit her back on IG
• 41:52
  Speaker 1: and try to get back in there.
• 41:53
  Speaker 2: Because the thing about.
• 41:55
  Speaker 1: Men like Jay is that, all right, I'll leave you
• 41:57
  Speaker 1: alone now, but I'm going to hit you up on
• 41:59
  Speaker 1: your birthday. I'm going to hit you up on holidays.
• 42:02
  Speaker 1: I'm going to be at that New Year's Eve party again.
• 42:04
  Speaker 1: And I'm going to get that pussy again.
• 42:07
  Speaker 2: That's why she has a block cam. Did you see
• 42:09
  Speaker 2: that lady's hike? Blocked on Instagram, blocked on Facebook, blocked
• 42:12
  Speaker 2: on Twitter. Block, block, block. She has a block cam.
• 42:16
  Speaker 2: All the time. Block, block, block.
• 42:21
  Speaker 1: You're right about that. But you know, a lot of
• 42:23
  Speaker 1: these girls don't want to block people because they like
• 42:25
  Speaker 1: the attention. I think they like people chasing and people
• 42:29
  Speaker 1: who they don't even want having access to them to
• 42:32
  Speaker 1: say things. Like one girl told me, I blocked them
• 42:37
  Speaker 1: and then unblocked them so I could see what he
• 42:38
  Speaker 1: was writing to me. I didn't know you can do that.
• 42:41
  Speaker 1: I thought like it just disappeared. I didn't know you
• 42:43
  Speaker 1: can unblock somebody and see what was sent to you.
• 42:45
  Speaker 1: I was like, what? That sounds like some fucking crazy shit.
• 42:49
  Speaker 2: I don't have time. I can't.
• 42:52
  Speaker 1: That's some psycho shit.
• 42:54
  Speaker 2: I know I do some crazy shit, but I just,
• 42:58
  Speaker 2: you know, just be blocked. I feel like out of sight,
• 43:02
  Speaker 2: out of mind, after you're blocked, block, block, block. After
• 43:05
  Speaker 2: you're blocked for a certain amount of time, it's like,
• 43:09
  Speaker 2: you don't even realize. It's like, oh, yeah. Whatever. That
• 43:13
  Speaker 2: person exists. I forgot about them.
• 43:16
  Speaker 1: Yeah, it's crazy these days. Like, people watch. They'll block somebody,
• 43:21
  Speaker 1: but they won't block them across the board. Or they'll
• 43:23
  Speaker 1: block them only to still check on their timeline. It's like,
• 43:27
  Speaker 1: what are you doing? Why are you reminding yourself that
• 43:29
  Speaker 1: this person's still around? Just block us for a reason. Yeah.
• 43:33
  Speaker 2: And sometimes it'd be nice if you could just call
• 43:35
  Speaker 2: somebody like, hey, let's block me so that if I
• 43:39
  Speaker 2: want to look at yourself, I can't because we're black
• 43:41
  Speaker 2: on both ends. Because I'm about to block you too,
• 43:44
  Speaker 2: but I just want this block to be mutual. Mutual
• 43:47
  Speaker 2: block party.
• 43:48
  Speaker 1: A funny story. One of my buddies, he's going to
• 43:51
  Speaker 1: be on the next episode of like a Spartan podcast.
• 43:56
  Speaker 1: So they broke up and they kept having like sex
• 43:59
  Speaker 1: after the fact. You know how it goes. But then...
• 44:04
  Speaker 1: he met this new girl. So he's like, all right,
• 44:05
  Speaker 1: I'm going to stop having sex with the old girl.
• 44:08
  Speaker 1: And so he stopped calling her, stopped texting her, stopped
• 44:12
  Speaker 1: coming over there. And so one day, about two weeks later,
• 44:16
  Speaker 1: he goes on Facebook and realized that he can't see
• 44:21
  Speaker 1: any of that shit. I guess it's a way people
• 44:23
  Speaker 1: can't see your shit on Facebook anymore. And it really
• 44:26
  Speaker 1: hurt him. He's like, why would she do that? It's like,
• 44:29
  Speaker 1: I thought we were cool. I'm like, she doesn't want
• 44:33
  Speaker 1: you seeing her shit and she doesn't want to see
• 44:35
  Speaker 1: your shit. Respect that. I was like, why would she
• 44:37
  Speaker 1: want to see what you're doing every day? Why would
• 44:40
  Speaker 1: you want to see what you're doing every day? He's like, well,
• 44:41
  Speaker 1: I don't mind. I was like, but she does mind.
• 44:44
  Speaker 1: So respect that. As men, we don't make the choice
• 44:50
  Speaker 1: of her or her. I think we just go like, okay,
• 44:53
  Speaker 1: it's going to be her and her. Because I remember
• 44:55
  Speaker 1: having like, I think my last year, of high school,
• 44:59
  Speaker 1: in my first year of college, I had basically two
• 45:03
  Speaker 1: girlfriends at the same time. Like, one was my official
• 45:05
  Speaker 1: girlfriend and the second one was just like, my girlfriend.
• 45:09
  Speaker 1: So it's like, it was another thing where it's like,
• 45:12
  Speaker 1: I'm not picking between these two. It was like, they're
• 45:15
  Speaker 1: not gonna find out about each other. So like, I'm
• 45:17
  Speaker 1: gonna ride this thing till the wheels fell off. And like,
• 45:19
  Speaker 1: the wheels always fall off, but it is what it is.
• 45:24
  Speaker 1: I respect her for not trying to juggle these two.
• 45:26
  Speaker 1: I think she did it for a month and realized,
• 45:29
  Speaker 1: This is trifling. I can't, but I think a lot
• 45:31
  Speaker 1: of men would say, Hey, I'm going to keep both
• 45:33
  Speaker 1: of them on a roster and see what happens. I
• 45:35
  Speaker 1: hope you guys got something out of this email and
• 45:37
  Speaker 1: I hope you learned things about closure and second chances
• 45:41
  Speaker 1: and even know how to maneuver platonic male friends or
• 45:45
  Speaker 1: even platonic female friends. Like make sure you understand the
• 45:50
  Speaker 1: stakes when someone calls you their friend and then comes
• 45:54
  Speaker 1: trying to make a move on you when you're in
• 45:55
  Speaker 1: your most vulnerable state. Also understand, the stakes when you
• 46:00
  Speaker 1: have somebody who had a shot at you, blew it,
• 46:04
  Speaker 1: and then comes asking for another chance. Why do you
• 46:07
  Speaker 1: deserve another chance with me? What's going to be different
• 46:10
  Speaker 1: this time around? What did we both do wrong the
• 46:13
  Speaker 1: first time around? And did we actually talk about that?
• 46:16
  Speaker 1: Or did we just have sex because it's what we
• 46:20
  Speaker 1: were used to? A lot of times you guys can
• 46:22
  Speaker 1: avoid this messy shit if you just talk to each other,
• 46:25
  Speaker 1: if you stand your ground, and if you decide, hey,
• 46:29
  Speaker 1: I can do better than my past. Look to the future,
• 46:33
  Speaker 1: not to the past, and most of you will do
• 46:35
  Speaker 1: fine in your real life. So thank you, Melissa. Any
• 46:40
  Speaker 1: last words?
• 46:41
  Speaker 2: Communicate. I think that's just big on everything. Communicate.
• 46:47
  Speaker 1: Communicate what you want so you don't have exhibit A, B,
• 46:49
  Speaker 1: and C and then have to break up. Talk that
• 46:52
  Speaker 1: shit out, people. And we'll see you next week. Next week,
• 46:56
  Speaker 1: we have a story from a man. Ooh. Even men
• 47:00
  Speaker 1: can be weak bitches. Most of the time, men are
• 47:03
  Speaker 1: the weak bitches.
• 47:04
  Speaker 2: Yeah, most of the time, men are the weak bitches.
• 47:07
  Speaker 1: So we're going to dive into that next time. And
• 47:09
  Speaker 1: thanks for listening.
• 47:10
  Speaker 2: Thanks, y'all.
• 47:41
  Speaker 1: I know you love me