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S2E44 - Toilet Training Power Struggles: What to Say (and Not Say) to Avoid a Battle · Play Therapy Parenting: Real Parenting Questions Answered by a Child Therapist

• 0:02
  You're listening to the
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  Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 0:09
  Hi,
• 0:09
  I'm Dr. Brenna Hicks,
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  The Kid Counselor.
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  This is the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast where I give you insight,
• 0:15
  awareness,
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  and enlightenment about your parenting
• 0:17
  and your relationship with your kids.
• 0:19
  In today's episode,
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  I am answering a question from Hannah in England,
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  and this is about
• 0:26
  toilet training woes.
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  I feel like I'm getting so many emails about
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  potty training and toilet training and bathroom accidents and
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  oh my gosh,
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  this must be the wave right now of,
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  of struggles.
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  So.
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  I,
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  I'm really thankful to be able to talk about this,
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  and many of you have emailed me thanking me for those episodes,
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  so I'm really glad that these are helpful.
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  I'm glad that this is meeting your needs.
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  That's the whole purpose of this podcast is to support you
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  in your parenting journey and provide you with child-centered play therapy,
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  parenting approaches
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  that are effective and they give you confidence
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  and that you can fall back on so that you can competently address any scenario.
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  And obviously raising kids,
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  the toileting and bathroom stretch of time is very difficult at times,
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  and I'm glad that we're able to talk through this.
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  So,
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  I'm going to read parts of Hannah's email and then we'll dive into some
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  answers.
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  I'm so grateful to have found your podcast.
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  The power struggles advice has so quickly changed things with my 3.5 year old.
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  I'm so happy to hear that,
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  Hannah.
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  I'm really pleased.
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  He's been regressing with his potty training,
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  which I think is likely due to wanting more control like your podcast explains.
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  I listened to your episode where someone wrote in
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  about a boy who sounds very similar to mine.
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  There you go.
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  See,
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  it resonates all all over the place.
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  OK,
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  so I have two questions.
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  How would you prompt ask or remind him about toilet training during the day?
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  We can often see he needs to go
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  as he's crossing his legs and dancing around or he goes
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  really still and sits down trying to hold in his poop.
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  If we ask or prompt too much,
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  this definitely causes a power struggle.
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  Should we say anything at all?
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  He's very used to me trying to take over in this situation,
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  even carrying him to the toilet,
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  and it's a big change for me to not say anything.
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  I've reminded him about choices and the dessert after dinner,
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  which she shared earlier in the email that
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  he has been
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  given a choice of chocolate after dinner
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  if he chooses not to
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  have accidents.
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  So
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  I've reminded him about the choices and the dessert after dinner,
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  but also don't want to keep going on about
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  it as he needs to make that decision himself.
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  All right,
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  there's another question,
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  but I'm gonna stop there and answer that one first because it'll get too muddy.
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  So one of the main purposes
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  of limit setting,
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  specifically with enforcement choices,
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  which is exactly what you're describing,
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  Hannah,
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  you provided
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  the limit and the expectation,
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  and then you provided the ultimate limit for the choices.
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  So if you choose
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  not to have accidents,
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  if you choose for me not to have to change you.
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  You choose to have dessert after dinner if you choose for
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  me to have to change you because you have accidents,
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  you choose not to have dessert after dinner.
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  OK,
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  that is an enforcement choice.
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  It is ultimate limit setting
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  and it's back to an expectation of behavior.
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  The reason why the whole purpose
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  of this process,
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  it's 3 steps,
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  it's very specific in its wording,
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  it's returning responsibility,
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  it's giving kids a choice,
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  it's empowering them.
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  There's all of this support for what we're doing.
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  But the reason
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  is
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  we don't have to continue to nag,
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  we don't have to continue to remind
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  we don't have to hand hold,
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  we don't have to constantly encourage the behavior that we want
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  the whole premise is
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  we don't have to be that parent.
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  We set the expectation
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  we set the consequences,
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  and we can leave it.
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  And the child learns self responsibility,
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  self-control,
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  and ownership over outcomes.
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  Think about this.
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  One of the reasons why
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  we hate
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  power struggles is because it's the same thing over and over and over again.
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  I have to tell him every single day to pick up his clothes.
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  I have to tell him every single day to brush his teeth.
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  I have to tell him to get in bed and stay there.
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  The,
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  the thing that's the most maddening is that it's nagging and it's consistent.
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  The beauty
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  of this whole limit setting process from the child-centered play therapy approach
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  is
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  you make sure the child is aware of the limit,
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  you make sure the child is aware of the consequences for positive or negative,
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  and you don't have to talk about it again.
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  And then at that point,
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  the freedom of that
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  means all you do
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  is acknowledge what the child chose.
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  So to answer your first question,
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  Hannah,
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  you don't say anything at all.
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  Now,
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  the only caveat would be
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  because he's young,
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  you might say one time in the morning.
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  Wanted to remind you that if you choose to have no accidents today,
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  you choose to have dessert after dinner.
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  I know.
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  OK.
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  So now there's been a gentle reminder because he's young
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  and you want to make sure that he's aware.
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  And then beyond that,
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  you can tell that he needs to go to the bathroom,
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  you say nothing.
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  You can see him dancing around or sitting still or whatever he's doing,
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  you say nothing.
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  Why?
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  Because he will learn self-control.
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  He will learn self regulation.
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  It is a natural
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  development that has to take place and it comes with practice,
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  because if he has an accident,
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  all your responsibility is,
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  is.
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  You've chosen for me to change you,
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  so you've chosen not to have dessert tonight.
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  You can try again tomorrow.
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  You know that
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  going for the bathroom is on the toilet.
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  And you say it neutrally,
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  you say it calmly,
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  you say it gently.
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  Why?
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  Because
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  he just chose an outcome.
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  He also could have chosen to have dessert.
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  There's no anger,
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  there's no frustration,
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  there's nothing.
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  It's just it is what it is.
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  And over time he learns no one is going to swoop in and save me.
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  No one's going to rescue me.
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  No one is going to guide me,
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  help me,
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  direct me,
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  train me.
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  Why he needs to do it himself.
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  OK,
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  I feel compelled though.
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  Hannah,
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  he's 3 1/2,
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  315 year olds still have accidents.
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  So I think there needs to be a developmental understanding as well.
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  This is age appropriate behavior.
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  This is developmentally appropriate behavior.
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  3.5 year olds will still have accidents from time to time.
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  If it's a daily or consistent thing,
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  then this isn't just oops,
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  sometimes accidents happen,
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  this is something more.
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  So you're going to have to assess frequency and and cause.
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  Because sometimes kids just have accidents and 3.5 is right in that range.
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  If this is a very consistent issue and you know that it's rooted in something else.
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  Then we would adhere to the limit,
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  but I just wanna throw that out there.
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  I don't wanna set false expectations.
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  3.5 year olds still have bathroom accidents,
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  so that is a standard.
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  We need to accept that.
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  They should not be punished.
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  They should not be berated.
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  They should not
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  feel like they've done something wrong
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  when they have an accident.
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  It is what it is.
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  Now,
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  in your case,
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  Hannah,
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  if he chooses to have an accident,
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  whether
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  it was on purpose or not.
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  He has chosen not to have dessert.
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  That is natural consequence of his decision,
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  but there's no anger in that.
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  It just is what it is.
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  OK,
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  second question.
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  At preschool,
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  he has lots of accidents and the teachers have tried different things,
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  including stickers,
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  taking him to the toilet at regular intervals
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  throughout the day and leaving it to him,
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  not asking or getting involved at all.
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  I'm not sure what to advise them to do.
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  They seem very confused and lost with it,
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  as he's had weeks where he's been taking himself to the toilet with no problems,
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  followed by weeks of many accidents.
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  To make it a bit more complicated,
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  he really doesn't want to poop at preschool and ends up trying to hold it in,
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  which causes tummy aches and accidents.
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  When we ask him about it,
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  he often shuts down and doesn't say much,
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  just that he doesn't want to poop there,
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  guessing due to feeling shy and not as comfortable as at home.
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  You have to keep in mind that a child will master
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  something usually in one environment first.
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  And if
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  they have not mastered it in another environment,
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  that means that it's more difficult for them.
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  So you might have already hit the nail on the head,
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  Hannah,
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  it might be that he's shy,
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  it might be that he's not as comfortable,
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  it might be that he's gotten in trouble for it,
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  so now there's an embarrassment factor.
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  There's all kinds of layers.
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  It could be that he doesn't have
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  relationship built with his teachers.
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  If he feels judged or labeled
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  or that he's not accepted by teachers,
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  it's going to create a power struggle and kids only
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  have power and control over a few things in their lives
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  and toileting is one of them.
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  So maybe it's a power struggle at school.
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  You want me to go on the toilet,
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  so I'm not going to go on the toilet.
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  We don't know.
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  I can't assess that just from your email,
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  but there are factors if he is doing better at home with this
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  and not doing better at school,
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  then it could be that he's getting a handle on it
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  at home and it will eventually make its way into school.
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  However,
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  the sticker system
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  is
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  Not going to be helpful.
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  I'm just gonna leave it at that.
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  Taking him to the toilet at regular intervals and forcing a
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  child to use the bathroom when they don't need to,
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  or at least making them try
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  not going to be helpful.
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  The most positive thing that you shared in the email is leaving
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  him to it and not asking or not getting involved at all.
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  That is likely the most helpful approach
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  because he needs to feel unconditionally accepted,
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  and there can't be pressure,
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  there can't be expectation.
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  There can't be punishment.
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  If he has an accident,
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  he has an accident.
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  Send extra clothes,
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  send wipes,
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  send extra underwear,
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  whatever needs to happen,
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  they can handle it.
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  This too shall pass.
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  This little boy is not going to start
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  high school pooping himself,
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  OK?
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  This is,
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  this is perspective.
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  I say this to parents all the time.
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  Whatever the issue is in this moment,
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  even though it feels overwhelming,
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  even though it feels like you will never conquer it,
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  this too shall pass,
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  it's temporary.
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  Everything with child
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  is,
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  it's going to
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  stop and something else is going to start.
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  This is not a permanent scenario,
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  so
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  it is what it is.
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  He's working on it,
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  he's sorting it out.
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  If he's improving at home with the limits,
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  it will naturally trickle into the preschool.
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  It just hasn't happened yet.
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  It's,
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  it's about being patient.
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  It's about unconditionally accepting.
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  And being neutral,
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  because if they are reacting at school,
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  it's going to create a power struggle.
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  And if there is a power struggle,
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  then he's going to grab at control,
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  which is,
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  I will refuse to poop.
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  And then inevitably you can only refuse to poop
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  for so long before you have an accident.
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  So this is a slippery slope and you can see the
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  cycle that's just going to repeat itself over and over again.
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  So I would certainly equip them with limit settings phrases.
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  I would certainly accept I would equip them
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  with the sense of unconditional acceptance
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  because that is likely going to
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  serve him in the most positive ways while
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  he's addressing this and sorting this through.
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  So thank you so much,
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  Hannah,
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  for the email.
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  I hope that that's helpful.
• 11:39
  If you all would like to reach out,
• 11:40
  please do brenna@theid counselor.com.
• 11:43
  Continue to accept your children,
• 11:45
  continue to love your children,
• 11:46
  continue to advocate for your children in other environments,
• 11:50
  and I appreciate that you spend time with me each week.
• 11:53
  We'll talk again soon.
• 11:54
  Bye.
• 11:55
  Thank you for listening to
• 11:56
  the Play Therapy Parenting Podcast with Dr. Brenna Hicks.
• 12:00
  For more episodes and just subscribe to our newsletter,
• 12:03
  please go to www.playtherapyparenting.com.