Latest / Pop Culture Junkie® / 50 Shades of Shrek

Transcript

50 Shades of Shrek · Pop Culture Junkie®

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[Music]
0:27
Welcome to another episode of the Pop Culture Junkie Podcast. I'm Olivia here with one of my fellow Junkies.
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Shauna
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I don't know why I said it like that, but that's okay.
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"Shauna."
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Sing-Song Shauna Returns
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Returned. And you might notice that we don't have our favorite Junky here.
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Nicole, she's actually off on an amazing getaway that somehow she forgot to invite us on.
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I know. Next time, next time, I'm sure. I know. The invite probably got lost in the mail or something.
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Yeah, yeah. You know, the postal system, it's not what it used to be.
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Slow.
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But we'll make sure to log those notes with her when she does return.
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But we're so excited for her, you know, a dream vacation. She can tell us all about it whenever she comes back.
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In the meantime, Shauna, what have you been obsessed with?
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Ah, you know, I have just been watching a lot of my usual-- nothing too fresh recently.
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So my usuals right now that I watch Week to Week are still next level chef with our boy Gordon Ramsay.
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Ooh.
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Okay.
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Hint, hint
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And then also been watching Showgun Week to Week, X-Men 97, as well as Bleach that anime that I talked about a couple episodes ago.
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I also recently watched Total Recall for the first time ever that Arnold Schwarzenegger movie.
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I could have swore that I saw this movie before.
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Like, I don't think I've seen it all the way through though. There's so many iconic scenes like the girl with the three boobs and his eyes bulging out of his skull in the very beginning when he's on Mars.
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Just, "Whaaaah!"
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But I guess I hadn't seen it all the way through, so we watched that. And then you and I re-watched Crossroads with the legendary Miss BritneySpears.
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And we were reminded of what a good actress she was.
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Yeah. You know, I think we were watching it in Newport Beach. It was really kind of just it the most beautiful experience of my life, one might say.
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It was gorgeous. It was amazing. But it's such a sign of how much we hated women back then, where no matter even if she was a good actress back then, we were just not going to let Britney Spears be good at music and dancing and acting.
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Really?
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I mean, immediately, we were like that. I told you this, but what's interesting is this was produced by Shonda Rhymes, one of the first Shonda Land productions that really did amazing. And, you know, just start of an era. Shonda Rhymes.
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I agree. I had no idea this was a Shonda Rhymes movie. I knew it was an MTV movie. And I remember loving it back in the day and having it on VHS and just watching it over and over.
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It was a perfect like girls trip movie. It was amazing. So that's what I've been watching. Oh, and I'm almost done. So close to the fourth book, finishing the fourth book in the "A Court of Thorns in Rose's" series.
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The only reason I haven't finished it is because you have it. And you're supposed to give it back to me tonight, but obviously that's not happening.
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Yeah. I was actually more upset with myself of anything. I was like, damn it. Now she's going to have an excuse to not finish this book.
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You know, I've listened to most of it on audiobook, but I just realized that on prime video you only get like 16 hours spotify.
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I think, oh, you're right. It's a spotify premium. There's too many fucking streaming services now. Now we're back in Marke. We listened to the radio and watched Aval TV. And we had our crossover TV.
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We had our crossover VHS tape when we watched it. We love British players. In my house, you had three videos. Crossroads, Josie and Depussy Cats, and Glitter with Mariah Carey.
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That was actually a bad movie. I've never seen that one all the way through, but I've heard it was not worth watching.
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There's a reason for that. Also, worst timing in the world that came out on the day of 9/11.
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That's so bad. It's so doomed to fail. If you read Mariah Carey's memoir, she writes about 9/11. Like it was a personal attack.
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How dare they? Yeah. It did start a real mental down spiral for her. But, you know, it was 9/11.
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She's came back to her. 9/11 was most important day in Mariah Carey because it's the day her failed movie.
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The launch of her action career. But yes, I'm hopefully off-enished.
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Book four soon. So I can move on to book five.
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And for any listeners that is a court of frost and starlight, the Christmas special, as we all like to call out.
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Thank you. So scary. In Fairyland, it is the winter solstice. So we love it. It's really good.
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It is kind of like a fluffy book. It's a lot shorter, but there's a lot of like Easter eggs hidden within it.
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It's very little. It's a nice easy read, but you know, it's like you said, it's like the holiday special.
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They just kind of put it in there after a war. It's not as spicy as I've come to want from my Aqatar books.
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It's gotten a little PG-13 and I like mine a little more R-rated, but you have told me that the next one is gonna fill things.
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I'm a nested apologist, so it is good. It is good.
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I'm waiting for her to win me over. I still hate her.
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Speaking of Easter eggs, pretty recently, Taylor Swift did something that was chaotic of her go figure.
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And she released these playlists on Apple Music. So unfortunately, Spotify users had to wait a bit for some nice person to make these playlists for us.
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But she released what she calls the five stages of heartbreak Apple Music playlist.
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And so they're based on the stages of grief. And the first one is, I love you. It's ruining my life, which is denial.
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The second is, you don't get to tell me about sad, that's anger.
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Am I allowed to cry bargaining?
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Old habits die screaming, depression.
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Oh shit.
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And then--
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It's so depressing.
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Yeah, and then five, I can do it with a broken heart acceptance.
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And going through this was all of my favorite songs.
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She's like depressing shit.
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I really, really do. But like some of them were so good.
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Like, I love you. It's ruining my life.
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Is Betty, Willow, Cruel Summer, False God, Wilder Streams.
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And then you get into like, you don't get to tell me about sad.
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What if could have should have exiled? Oh my gosh.
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It was--
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No reputation though, right?
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No, there's not a single reputation track on here, which is very interesting.
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But I do believe that is more a calculated move on her part,
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because she has not re-recorded reputation.
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And there's only two albums left. It's debut and reputation.
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And I don't think there are any debut songs on it from what I have seen yet.
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Yeah, those don't seem very grief-filled.
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And I've always said, you know, "lover" is not a romantic album.
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It's not about falling in love. Reputation is.
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But people often think like, "lovers, I have the album."
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Reputation is a sad album. So it is very, very interesting.
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But reputation gives more revenge to me than like sad.
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It gives more like, "I'm pissed that people have been underestimating me this whole time."
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And I'm gonna show you why.
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It's giving you don't get to tell me about sad songs.
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You don't get to tell me about sad songs.
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Missed upper shame.
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Yeah, and you know, this tortured poet's release has largely been pretty quiet from her.
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I mean, she's doing like her 30,000 variants,
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which has just become her standard practice now.
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Wait, what is that? I don't know what that is.
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She just releases like a bunch of variants of the album with one song on them
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that you can only get, like you can only get all the songs if you buy them all.
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That's insane.
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Yeah, I can also buy them all.
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Missed girl's a business woman.
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And people are like, "Oh, it'll just come on streaming."
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But it took like almost a year for your losing to come out on streaming.
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It's all like, "Damn it. But I'm not gonna spend them on the on her."
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Taylor Swift got more variants than Loki, you know what I'm saying?
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Yeah, exactly.
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And so that is what I've been obsessed with.
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It's gonna be really exciting when tortured poets does come out.
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And I think she really is just telling us like,
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"It's gonna be a deep one."
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I'm ready for it.
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Are you ready for it?
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Don't run, don't run.
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We are ready for it if you cannot tell.
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My body is always ready for some tea swift.
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Ooh, your body is ready.
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Is that what you're telling me?
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Well, maybe not from the waist to weight.
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The knee down. My body's not ready from the knee down right now.
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That's gonna be six, eight weeks.
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I know. I'm surprised that you didn't add in that you're just watching a lot of foot related content.
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Listar is not in the way that you would think.
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Oh, I always watch it in the way you might think.
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Sean, did you want to tell the listar is about your lovely experience this weekend?
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So, Olivia and I, and one of our dear friends, Michaela, went on a "Girls' dream" to California.
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It's been an amazing time, but I am the biggest clutz in the world.
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You would never think that I was like a competitive dancer.
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Like, I am such a clutz.
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I will just be walking and just fall.
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I'll just fall.
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So, Olivia and I run bunk beds and I wanted the top bunk, 'cause that's cool.
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That's my fun.
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And we drank some adult beverages.
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Baparajino.
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Baparajinos.
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And then coming down the little ladder in the middle of the night to go pee,
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I skipped a few rungs and fell so hard on the ground.
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So hard.
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And I was trying so hard not to wake up, Olivia.
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And I was just grasping my foot, rocking back and forth, whimpering.
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She said, quote, like a dying dog.
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Like a dog who had shot you just like, like I woke up thinking that a dog was hurt in our bedroom somehow.
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How did it go?
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It's like, we're just up, he getting in here.
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Yeah, I'm like, wait, none of us traveled with our animals here.
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What is going on?
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And just me being a sad puppy.
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The funniest part about it is I still don't know like which way you fell.
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'Cause when I opened my eyes, like you were not in front of me.
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But the ladder was in front of me.
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Oh my god.
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So, I have no idea.
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All I know is that the next day, I was like, oh, we have one more day of this trip.
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I had my ace bandage and tight, that should up real tight.
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And I was like, it's just a little bow bow.
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That's fine.
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But it's the day one, I don't know, I'm just like, yeah, but it's been a great time guys.
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Doing great.
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Of course we could take a shot.
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Of course we could.
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Yeah, I went to the urgent care yesterday and I snapped my fifth meditarsal in my foot.
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So, I want crutches in a cast for the time being.
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Yeah, it's a pretty clean break.
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So, we're here hoping we get a no foot surgery for you.
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Please, yes, listeners manifest no foot surgery.
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And also manifest that I am like, okay, ish by fan fusion, because I have some really good cosplays planned.
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And otherwise I might have to do like sexy professor X or something.
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Barrow your bald cap.
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And you can just push me around and I'll be like, professor X.
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Oh my god, you can be sexy Magneto.
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That actually might be a slay.
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Okay, okay.
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Well, we'll see what the foot doctor says.
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She says, sure, she's on a shirt.
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Sure, sure, sure.
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But then I have to pay my whole body blue.
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And I'm going to wetting the next day.
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Yeah, blue.
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Oh, I thought you were saying the lady.
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Oh no.
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I mean, you could be her too.
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I'm thinking of Magneto.
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Magneto is like the old guy in his parents' diner, the God's.
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And he has metal powers.
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Yeah, I knew the metal powers.
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Oh, you're thinking of Mystique.
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Yeah, she has, she's blue.
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She's entirely blue.
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And they did.
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That could be fun too.
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Yeah, I don't know about that.
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Like I said, at the wedding next day I just show up like a man, someone from the blue man group.
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I'm afraid I just blew myself.
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Yes.
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Yes.
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Some might be into that though.
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Who knows?
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So send healing foot vibes.
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Or send me $25 and I'll send you a pic of my X-ray if you're into that kind of thing.
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Yeah, yeah.
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A picture on members, you know, it's a patriotic slew.
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A patriotic slew.
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Look at my bones.
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So speaking of your favorite, your one and only, week to week love, Shana, I'm curious.
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You know, we talked about it a little bit, but have you ever dabbled in fanfiction?
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I love fanfiction.
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Okay.
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I have never written one of my own.
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I have a friend who writes really good fanfiction.
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Shout out to him.
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And my favorite fanfictions are Kylo Ren and Rey.
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And it's spoilers for the most recent Star Wars movie.
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If Kylo survived in him and Rey, like went off in the sunset and banged.
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Or if he died, but then she was able to resurrect him with the force and then they banged.
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Mm-hmm.
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Mm-hmm.
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I also like Vegeta and Bulma from Dragon Ball until she gets pregnant and then I'm like,
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"Has his boring now they have a fucking baby."
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You're not a pregnancy trope, Groey.
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No, like, and babies just, I mean, okay, sorry to all the moms out there.
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She gets pregnant and then it just gets kind of boring.
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She's just kind of like pregnant.
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I want to know how she got pregnant because that's the bang in, but then I'm out.
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And I'm out.
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I'm good, I'm good after that.
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I'm good, I'm all set.
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I think I've moved on from it.
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What age did you start reading fanfiction?
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Oh gosh.
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I mean, I'm 35 now and I probably started reading fanfiction at like 28.
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Like, it was my late 20s.
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Yeah.
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So I wasn't on Harry Styles fanfic, like, we talked about it, you're nodding book.
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This is a more recent development in my life.
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I guess in the avid in the last 10 years or so.
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Okay.
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What about you, do you like fanfic?
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So I am like, I was kind of adjacent to the one direction.
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I was like in between this one.
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And so when all those youngins were going crazy over fanfic, I was like, "I don't like
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that stuff.
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I am so cool."
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I wasn't.
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I don't masturbate.
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I don't have a bad one.
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But, you know, I was more just like, why would I want to read that?
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I like the Twilight movies, but I never really liked the Twilight books itself.
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So fanfic, you just seemed to me like, worse writing than Twilight.
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It definitely took me a while to like get out.
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Because at first I was in that mindset too and I was like, "Why would I want to read something,
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an unprofessional writer wrote in something that isn't canon?"
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Like, because I take canon so seriously.
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But then eventually I'm like, I mean, isn't that all writers in the beginning?
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No, you're an unprofessional writer until you're a professional writer.
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You got to start somewhere.
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And there's some, like, they have fanfic awards.
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There's some really good writers out there.
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There's some laughable ones, like the famous Evan Essence Harry Potter crossover one,
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which is so bad.
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So bad that it's good.
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Basically like Twilight.
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But then there's others that are like, really good.
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And like, this is good shit.
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This is like a novel.
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Yeah.
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And I think the first fan fiction that I read in Air Quotes would have been 50 Shades of
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Bray, which that's a lot of people don't necessarily know this, but 50 Shades of
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Bray is a Twilight fanfic.
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If Edward was just a billionaire and Bella was just a different Bella, I don't know.
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I don't know.
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I've never seen Orbeth.
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Yeah.
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Yeah.
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But it's like kind of a couple years later.
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So that's one of the first really well-known fanfics.
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There is a fairy of like famous One Direction fanfic that has the quintessential dark Harry,
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which got turned into the after movies.
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What?
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Yeah.
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So the book and the after books, they're all incredibly terrible.
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I do not recommend watching it at all.
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But one of the more interesting ones, and I don't know if you've kind of heard of this on
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book talk or anything like that, but one that has been taken by Storm recently is Manacold.
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It is a Harry Potter fan fiction and people freaked out over it.
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It's one of the most like acclaimed fanfictions ever.
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In Tristance.
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In Tristance.
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Send Lin Yu, and they just picked it up to do it as a book.
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But then you get into this really interesting.
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It's a Harry Potter fan fan.
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Yeah.
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So like can they make it into a book?
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And you see, I can see how Harry Potter fanfic would serve a lot of fans who don't want to
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support JK Rowling anymore.
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Yep.
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But still are so invested in that universe.
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And so they kind of claimed Harry Potter as their own.
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And now they're like, we'll make our own stories that don't have anti-Semitic and turfy
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undertones.
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We got this.
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We can do this.
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Yeah.
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Yeah, absolutely.
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And so I've kind of started to open up to it where some are truly like a teenager writing
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in their bedroom.
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Who doesn't really understand the career of even like a waitress, but they're writing
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what they do.
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So it's kind of funny.
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You know that might be relevant to what we're going to talk about.
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Oh my God.
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I think that fanfiction can get so fun and silly.
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Like you mentioned there are a lot of really famous ones that people read out.
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There's always like a lot of Draco Malfoy ones.
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Really enough.
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Just check out Malfoy's daddy.
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Well, when he's a Vage.
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Yes, when he's actually a Vage in parentheses.
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It's daddy when he's not.
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When he's a daddy.
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And daddy when he is not child.
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I also love that like fanfic.
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You can put any two universes that you possibly want to together.
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So if you're like, Oh, I think Buffy would do great in the Lucifer universe.
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You can write a fan think about that.
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So crossover.
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See.
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Yeah.
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Crossroads.
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Crossroads.
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Cross over.
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Like we took the crossroads to the crossover.
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Speaking of our crossroads into the journey of crossovers, we talked a little bit a couple
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weeks ago about Gordon Ramsay fanfic and how we think that there would be a really great
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environment for that.
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And so Sean and I, you know, well, Nicole is away on her vacation.
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I don't think she would want to do this.
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We're going to take a little mind vacation of our own and we're going to talk a little
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bit about fan fiction.
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Now I found some on Wattpad, but where it got really, really good was an archive of our own.
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Archive of our own is where I read all of my fanfic.
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Okay.
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You hear it here first.
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Use archive of our own.
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And it goes.
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A lot of people shorthand it and call it a O3.
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Yeah.
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So Sean, I want you to start us off with your lovely piece of fan fiction.
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And maybe you can read us some of the tags and really exciting stuff that we're going to
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get into.
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All right.
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I won't read the entire thing, but I'll read certain paragraphs so we get the jis to
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the plot.
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Yeah.
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So the title is desperation and degradation.
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Shrek and Gordon Ramsay.
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That's beautiful.
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Not safe for work tag.
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Some of the tags are smut, lemon, blow jobs, semi public sex and Shrek is love, Shrek is
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life.
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I love how my men is second.
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I know, lemon, lemon.
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All right.
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Chef Shrek, the green ogre jumped as he heard his name.
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He didn't even have to look to recognize the voice of his sexy mentor.
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Bashfully, Shrek turned his gaze to Gordon Ramsay, who was alluming above him.
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The mere presence of the man made the orc want to fold in on himself.
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Yes, Shrek, Shrek whimpered, feebly stirring his clumsy risotto.
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All right.
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Now that he's talking shit about Shrek's risotto.
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And so now we're getting down to, oh, he's a character, either he's a contestant on
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Hell's Kitchen, on Hell's Kitchen.
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Oh no, Master Chef.
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Okay.
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Okay.
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So.
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So.
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So.
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So.
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Yes.
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Come on.
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We all see the way you are with Shrek, the other judge Aaron piped in.
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He left like a hyena, high pitched and annoying.
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It made an alpha male, like Gordon wanted to snap him in half, like the beta twig that he
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was.
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To both of you shot the fuck up, Gordon snapped, turning his attention back to his sweet little
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Shrek.
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Gordon's heart fluttered, an unfamiliar sensation.
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Oh, the other contestants, by the way, are Taylor Swift, Lady Gaga and Elon Musk.
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Chef Taylor, bring up your plate, Joe called out to the blonde, Gordon glanced over to Taylor,
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watching her carry her seemingly perfect dish up to the judges.
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I've couldn't tell if he admired or was invious of her.
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Taylor Swift is talented, beautiful and elegant in every way.
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She's perfect and her cooking was no different.
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I wonder if this person's a Swiftie.
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Taylor, what are you doing here?
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Taylor, no.
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Chef Lady, Aaron called the other chef's name, summoning the other blonde.
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Lady Gaga created extremely flavorful dishes, but they were always too strong for most
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the judges.
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The spice was nearly unbearable for a massive majority of the population.
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She's also a little monster.
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She a little monster.
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She a little too spicy.
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The other blonde.
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The other blonde.
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That blonde number one and blonde number two.
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All right, here's, here's Chef's turn.
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Gordon teased the salmon with his fork, slowly tearing off its tender flesh.
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He held it up to the light staring into its juices.
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Gordon stared at Shrek knowingly.
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His blue eyes sparkling with amusement.
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Gordon loved to watch Shrek squirm.
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Slowly the salmon entered Gordon's lips.
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"It's raw!"
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Gordon roared, losing his composure in an instant.
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This is pathetic, truly horrible.
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I can't believe you'd serve this to us.
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I'm disappointed in you, Shrek.
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How could you mess up such a staple meal?
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Tears formed in Shrek's eyes.
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This was all he worked for.
24:23
He gave up everything to be here and he threw it away because of a pathetic fuck up.
24:29
He's about to turn around and leave the room.
24:31
Shrek, how much do you want to be here?
24:34
More than anything.
24:35
Shrek's response was instant.
24:37
I'll do anything to be here.
24:39
Anything?
24:40
Something, Casdard.
24:42
Something dark cast over Gordon's eyes kept using Shrek.
24:46
Bind over.
24:47
"Duck Gordon can't hurt you."
24:51
Shrek stared up at Shok at the chef.
24:54
Was he hearing that right?
24:55
Did I stutter?
24:57
Shrek stared up in horror, something deep swirling inside of him, making his lips
25:02
tremble.
25:04
The producer shouted to turn off the camera, desperately trying to get the show back on track.
25:09
"Keep the cameras on.
25:11
Everyone should see this," said Gordon Ramsay.
25:16
"Do you want to be here?"
25:18
Yes, Shrek admitted.
25:19
"Good boy now, do what I say."
25:24
Gordon smirked, satisfied.
25:26
He grabbed the back of Shrek's neck, bending him over the table, knocking off everything
25:31
in one swoop.
25:33
The chefs were equally horrified.
25:34
Lady Gaga started to have a complete mental breakdown.
25:37
Taylor Swift left and Elon Musk passed out.
25:42
"Elon, what are you doing here?"
25:44
"Why is Elon here?
25:46
He didn't even get to serve them."
25:48
"Oh, chef, a moan slip out of Shrek's lips."
25:51
"You're a do-do-do little thing, aren't you?
25:53
Do you want me that bad?"
25:55
Shrek hesitated, awkwardly stuttering a mix of syllables.
25:58
"Do you want it Shrek beg for it?"
26:00
"Yes, chef, please, I'm your do-do-do little, Olga."
26:04
"Good boy.
26:06
Now do exactly as I want."
26:09
"I want Gordon's slap Shrek's green ass again, making him yelp."
26:14
"I want to taste you."
26:16
"Okay."
26:18
"I'm so sweaty."
26:21
"That's in there?"
26:25
"Yes, in there."
26:26
"I'm not making any of this up.
26:28
This is all in here."
26:29
"Their tongue is wrestled for a moment before Gordon asserted dominance, instantly flipping
26:35
Shrek over on his back and toppling him with primal aggression."
26:39
"He growled again, ripping off Shrek's clothes but leaving his apron on, and then they enjoy
26:48
each other in the kitchen in ways that you will have to read if you want to know the explicit
26:54
detail about it.
26:55
But let's just say they were cooking.
26:58
Things were getting hot.
26:59
Things were getting hot in the Master's Chef kitchen.
27:02
"They enjoy each other like you enjoy your favorite dish."
27:06
"Mmm, taste it, taste it."
27:11
Later that day, Lady Gaga was eliminated from the Master's Chef kitchen, end of story.
27:16
"That's literally the last line."
27:18
"Wow, poor Lady Gaga."
27:20
"Whoever wrote that, how dare you."
27:26
So that was everything I needed in my life.
27:29
"That was disgusting."
27:30
"It was disgusting."
27:31
"But I'm strangely hungry."
27:33
"Yeah, now I want it."
27:36
"So, good job to that fricking 17-year-old and her parents' basement writing down."
27:42
"Oh my God."
27:43
"She writes in the bottom, she goes, 'I'm so sorry, you guys.'"
27:49
"This is something that should have stayed unpublished, but you published it."
27:53
"And for that, I think you are so brave and I'd love you."
27:56
"We need warriors."
27:57
"Why would you do something so brave and so good?"
27:59
"We need warriors."
28:00
"We need warrior spirits like you in the Wapad community."
28:05
"Oh my God."
28:06
"That was amazing."
28:07
"All right, we need to hear yours because yours also is Mr. Ramsey, right?"
28:11
"Yes, so apparently we really get what these individuals are writing about Gordon Ramsey.
28:18
That's something we are going to unpack with our therapist at some point in time.
28:24
But the one that I picked, it is part of a series that is called "Take Me to Flavor Town."
28:31
"Oh my God, it's Gaifi, are you there?"
28:33
"Yes, Gaifi, I'm here."
28:35
"Gaifi, what are you doing here?"
28:38
"Love it."
28:39
"So this specific one is Randevoo in the crusty crab, so not only do we have Gaifi, we have
28:48
SpongeBob, we have Gordon Ramsey, we are excited.
28:53
There are some surprise gas such as squid words.
28:58
Like Mr. Crab's better be there, he better not give anyone crabs.
29:02
"Yeah, Eugene Crab's is deep in there, so he's deep in there."
29:07
"Yeah, yeah, he's deep.
29:09
So the summary, this is by conventional killjoy, by the way.
29:13
So Gaifi are in SpongeBob SquarePants, we're supposed to have their happy ending, but then
29:18
Gai's ex walked back into the picture, or the part two nobody asked for.
29:25
Is the summary?"
29:26
"What are some of the tags?"
29:27
"Yes, the tags we have here are satire, she wanted everyone to know that.
29:34
Good for her, good for her."
29:36
"Animies to lover, alternative universe, a badly written smut, sidewalk sex, yep, you
29:42
read that right."
29:44
And then the author regrets everything, I'm currently questioning my life choices.
29:49
So she gets it.
29:50
"At least they're self-aware, they're self-aware, yes."
29:53
And the notes, before you start reading, I regret both everything and nothing, this is
29:58
cursed, this is the worst thing I've ever written, and this is spent an entire, an embarrassingly
30:03
long time in my drops.
30:05
"Oh, I'm excited."
30:06
"And so I'll set you into the mood.
30:10
Gaifi are in SpongeBob SquarePants, we're supposed to have their happy ending, and they
30:13
did for a while.
30:15
For about a year or so, the two at a grand time going on dates and bikini potting, having
30:20
loud sex in the crusty crab."
30:22
"Ooh, you dirty bird."
30:23
"It's crusted."
30:24
"It's much less."
30:25
"It's much less."
30:26
"It's squid who worked their disappointment.
30:29
Yes, their love life was thriving."
30:31
And so Gaifi are his ex arrived in Bukini Bottom, and once his ex arrived in the underwater
30:36
city, he went straight to the crusty crab.
30:39
Gaifi are his ex wasn't anyone.
30:40
No, he was probably just one of the most well-known food critics above the sea, where
30:44
Gai is originally from.
30:47
His ex is none other than the British celebrity chef, restaurant tool, television presenter.
30:53
And writer known as Gordon Ramsay.
30:55
Oh, and his title, "Fell in his title."
30:58
"Ristrant tour."
30:59
"Ristrant tour."
31:00
And writes her, known as Gordon Ramsay.
31:04
Now he was here in Bukini Bottom, but with one mission in mind, he was going to tear the
31:08
crusty crab to pieces.
31:10
Figuratively, of course, there were too many legal issues involving actually destroying
31:14
the restaurant.
31:16
Gordon Ramsay's presence was felt before he entered the crusty crab.
31:19
Dramatically, the chef flung open the double doors as he entered the restaurant.
31:23
It was already hard.
31:24
It was already hard.
31:25
That was always hard.
31:27
Okay, that was always hard.
31:29
As he entered the restaurant, a camera crew following behind him, heads turned, wondering
31:34
who this hunky middle-aged chef was.
31:36
The hunkyest of chefs.
31:38
He's the hunkyest.
31:40
He is.
31:41
The gourmet chef studied the dining room decor.
31:44
What is this bullshit?
31:45
He was casually walking over and flipping over a table.
31:48
It's a piece of cheek.
31:50
It was impressive because the table had been bolted, but because of Gordon's muscular and
31:55
toned bronze biceps, he was able to lift the table like it weighed nothing.
32:00
He threw the table out the window.
32:02
Why did he throw the table out the window?
32:04
Was it outdated?
32:05
Or did Gordon have a personal vendetta against all tables?
32:08
I leave that up to the reader.
32:09
Oh my god, yes, yes.
32:14
So they have a little exchange in here.
32:25
What's going on, babe?
32:30
Sponged into his love as touch.
32:32
The anger faded from Gordon's eyes.
32:34
Replace by sorrowful look.
32:36
Babe, I thought I was you, babe.
32:39
Guys, check that out.
32:41
Not anymore, Gordon.
32:42
He said softly.
32:43
We are done.
32:44
Our relationship ended 10 years ago.
32:46
I couldn't give you everything.
32:48
Gordon said, his gaze struck on the arm around Spongebob ways.
32:52
The older chef, Gaze Group Angi.
32:54
Angi?
32:55
Angi?
32:56
Angi?
32:57
Angi?
32:58
Don't talk me, me Angi.
33:02
As he sized up this competition, Spongebob of Shervo to do, just glared back, tangent
33:07
swirled in the air between the two chefs.
33:10
Rob has already given me everything he stated, almost as if he was proving where his loyalty
33:15
is light.
33:16
He kissed Spongebob on the lips right in front of Gordon, fire burned in Gordon's eyes.
33:20
That proves nothing.
33:21
I can do that too.
33:22
With that, Gordon ran up and took Spongebob's face in between his two homes and kissed him
33:27
longingly on the mouth.
33:28
I don't know if it was reason.
33:30
I don't know.
33:31
Oh my god.
33:33
Although we were surprised at first, Spongebob found himself melting into the kiss.
33:37
His thin arms grasped Gordon's super sexy biceps.
33:42
The sun has found him bringing the gourmet chef closer to him.
33:46
Guy watched his ex-boyfriend and current boyfriend make out with each other.
33:50
It was very hot.
33:51
Guy got the hots watching them.
33:53
He wanted to join in.
33:54
So he approached the two and began kissing Gordon on the mouth.
33:58
With his hand around, Spongebob was ways to.
34:02
The three of them began to grope and kiss one another repeatedly.
34:07
All of a sudden some red crab burst in the room.
34:10
Hey.
34:11
Hey.
34:12
Hey.
34:13
Hey.
34:14
He yelled as he clutched dollars bills to his friend.
34:17
You money.
34:18
Yeah.
34:19
And do that shit elsewhere.
34:20
Fuck off you donkey.
34:21
I just think I'm a donkey.
34:27
Gordon hissed.
34:28
I've compared him to two reptiles now.
34:30
Are dragons reptiles?
34:32
Get the hell out of my kitchen.
34:34
The crab roared.
34:35
He reached with one of his claws to pinch Gordon.
34:38
Spongebob grabbed his red arm before he could reach the honky chef.
34:42
No.
34:43
And then so they go outside and do things.
34:47
I do things.
34:49
Okay.
34:50
I'm going to read that they start to do the things.
34:52
As the three of them were having sex with one another, Gordon spied a manhole in the
34:58
sidewalk.
34:59
But I can fit in one of those holes.
35:01
Gordon thought to him.
35:02
Why?
35:03
Why would you think that during sex?
35:04
He pulled out a guy here and stuck his, you know what?
35:08
Into one of the holes.
35:09
He began thrusting and the sidewalk magically came to life and started moaning.
35:15
Stop it right now.
35:17
Okay.
35:18
I need you to DM this to me because I want to read the entire thing.
35:23
It is so incredibly funny.
35:25
And the final note that this author puts is God has left this place.
35:30
You know, I think one of the beauties of the human experience is that sometimes you have
35:37
an idea and you can see it through and people on a podcast will read your work one day to
35:44
others for fun.
35:45
I agree.
35:46
Isn't that beautiful?
35:47
Like, the two stories we just read have no business existing.
35:52
Yeah.
35:53
But they do.
35:54
But they do.
35:55
And they were both incredible.
35:56
And shout out to the authors.
35:58
It was beautiful.
36:00
It was incredible.
36:01
Did, am I angry?
36:03
Yes.
36:04
Do I need a shower?
36:06
Yes.
36:07
Am I happy?
36:08
Yeah.
36:09
Yeah.
36:10
Did I?
36:11
Yeah, I did.
36:12
I did.
36:13
I said like that.
36:14
Would I want anyone to know, except our dear listeners that we had to search for these?
36:20
Probably not.
36:21
I read quite a few actually that were.
36:23
Yes, you did.
36:24
But we're just like human pieces, but I think I like the silly, silly, silly.
36:29
I like the Shrek and SpongeBob battery.
36:31
Shrek.
36:32
SpongeBob's skinny yellow arms.
36:34
Like, you could picture just his stupid noodle arms to strapping around Gordon Ramsay.
36:38
Yeah.
36:39
And I love that.
36:40
I love that.
36:41
Yes.
36:42
And if you were interested in how Guy Fury and SpongeBob Square Pan's got together, you
36:46
can check out the Take Me To Flavor Town series.
36:49
So that was part two.
36:51
That was the second act break-up together.
36:53
Yeah.
36:54
Maybe not a break-up.
36:55
Maybe it's a threple.
36:56
I think it's a thread one.
36:58
There is another third one.
36:59
And she wrote.
37:00
She wrote.
37:01
She wrote on the 2023 soon.
37:03
Who knows?
37:04
We want another one.
37:05
We need the Diners Drive-Ins and Dives.
37:08
Fan-fic community to show up for her.
37:10
We need a next level chef one.
37:13
I'm dripping.
37:14
I'm so sweaty.
37:15
Oh my god.
37:16
It's getting too hot here.
37:18
It's too hot to handle.
37:20
I think we should wrap this thing up.
37:23
I hope all of our characters wrapped it up.
37:26
If you have a favorite fan fiction or some pop culture junky fan fiction that you'd like to share with us, we would love to see you in the DMs.
37:38
Who knows?
37:39
Maybe we will even write our own fanfic about you guys sending us DMs.
37:44
That'd be crazy.
37:45
I love it.
37:46
[laughs]
37:48
Shauna, where can our listeners find you?
37:50
You can find me, Shauna, on Instagram and TikTok @shaunatrinidad S-H-A-U-N-A-T-R-I-N-I-D-A-D.
38:01
And you can find me, Olivia, on Instagram @livimariez L-I-V-I-M-A-R-I-E-Z, or on TikTok, you can find me @livyolife420
38:14
And you can find the Pop Culture Junkie podcast, social media links on our website, popculturejunkie.com.
38:20
From there, you can find our podcast on all platforms, and you can make our day by clicking subscribe, following us, or maybe even giving us a 5-star review,
38:30
add you a little fan fiction about how much you love us, or just tell the truth about how much you love us that too.
38:36
And come back next week for another hit of pop culture.
38:40
[music]
38:44
The Pop Culture Junkie podcast is produced by Jeff Markin and Cheryl Lightfoot, for the Pop Culture Entertainment Network.
38:52
[music]
39:02
♪ I need it bad, I need it bad ♪
39:04
[Music]