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Diva Kat Details: Eliminating Social Pressures in Asian Communities to Always be Perfect · The Diva Details

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  Welcome to the Diva Details. Welcome to the Diva Details.
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  Where bold, confident women embrace life unapologetically.
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  From love and sex to wellness and reinvention. We keep it raw, real, and powerful.
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  Music.
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  No filters, no limits.
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  Just fearless conversations to help you thrive. Let's dive in with Diva Mia and Diva Cat.
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  I am Diva Katz. Today, on my own, running solo.
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  Let's see if you have any questions, anything. Like and subscribe at the end, okay?
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  Today, we're going to talk about dealing with competitive Asian parents. Me, myself included.
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  I tend to be dealing a lot. I think that's our society, right? In Asian community.
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  I'm not sure like other, I'm sure like other community will have the same thing.
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  But we tend to do like judging, have very competitive, my kid better than yours,
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  my husband better than your husband, my household be like that.
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  I have the cousin who always have to be like comparative, my kid better than
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  yours, my girl's better than yours.
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  Do you know I have some people that they still don't talk about each other till
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  now just because they discuss about their husband's salary.
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  Why would you discuss about that in like ladies' lunching?
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  I think we need to be civilized ourselves as in our Asian community.
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  If you're a classmate taking 10 AP classes and you don't take anything, it's okay too.
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  That's not your way of living. You want to enjoy your school time, enjoy your teenager.
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  I have to say I'm guilty myself. I pressure my son way too much.
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  Lately, my husband and I have discussion about it. He's about to be seniors.
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  Let it be. He doesn't have to be any club. He doesn't have to be taking all AP.
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  And you know what? He turned around, did it on his own. He seemed to do fine and okay on his own.
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  You don't have to be like, hey, you need to get 100 because your other friend is 100.
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  The other, let's say my friend's son, they are a computer engineer,
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  making shit a lot of money.
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  Look at them as an example. I come to realize the light just blanking on my
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  head. I said, what am I doing to my own kid? And he's a teenager.
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  Let him enjoy. He doesn't have to be competitive with anybody.
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  But himself, as long as he learned his way through himself, ever since then,
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  he's much happier mentally.
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  He's great. It actually gets better. When he has a question about anything,
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  he will come up, hey, I had a question, I have to study.
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  He does everything on his own now. The pressure is real, but let's be honest.
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  It isn't just about our parents. It's also about dealing with other parents
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  who are turning everything into competition. The one who knows costly job how
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  your kid is winning everything and how your child has been doing better.
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  And it's okay if your child do nothing. Let them be themselves.
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  How kids can handle the pressure, how the parents can stop this cycling,
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  and how to grateful deal with competitive parents without losing your mind.
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  Let's start with our Asian community because I'm Asian.
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  It's a big thing about this Asian. I might get boycotted from a lot of my Asian
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  or even my own family after this podcast. But it's okay. I think just need to be told.
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  Why are Asian parents like this? Why everything had to be raised on the top?
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  It comes down to our culture, survival, and status.
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  For many Asians, especially immigrants, success isn't just about you.
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  It's all about family pride, security, and providing and proving to all the
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  sacrifice that we are worth it. That's survival mentality.
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  We are survival mentality. I think in our generation, we could be working on
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  it. I know I'm working on myself and I am halfway there.
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  If you have all the best grades and you get the best job, if you have all the
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  best job, you make the most money.
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  And if you have the most money, you have the best life. That's not always true.
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  Keep in mind, college is not for everybody. Who could teach you a fraction of
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  it is helpful. It's not for everybody.
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  But my bottom line is, I think you have to talk to your kids.
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  You have to listen to them.
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  Listen from their points of view and guide them through. If you listen to them,
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  you'll know that are they lazy to talk about it?
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  They don't want to study or they just don't want to get through very easy way.
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  You get the best job doesn't always you make the most money.
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  Define most money, right?
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  But some people, it's a million dollars a week. And when you have money,
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  you don't always have the best life.
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  And I know some family who have like crazy money. They're not have best life.
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  They fight about each other a lot. They fight among each other a lot.
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  And listen, they fear I'm totally unfounded.
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  Many of our parents and grandparents didn't have the luxury when it comes to
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  failing, myself included.
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  To judge, to compare your kid with other kid, that is not the right thing to do.
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  From my own experience, I call myself doing it with my son.
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  I am regretting what I did from the past.
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  In the future, you have to listen. Failing is okay as long as you get back up
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  and do it again. Be supportive, pushing them. Sometimes it's not working.
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  They might be against you. Be supportive with them.
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  Show them your love and listen. Listen to them. That's from my own experience.
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  So you guys could take it or you guys could leave it. Here's why things go too far.
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  When love turned into pressure, so intense, the kid's going to feel like they
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  never be enough for you. They never be enough for themselves.
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  And most importantly, it's going to carry on to the next generation.
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  They're going to see nothing ever enough.
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  You have to look at your kid as enough and listen to them.
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  Some kids, they're afraid to fall. Don't be afraid to fall.
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  Let them fall as long as they get back up again. Fall is okay.
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  Falling is okay. And you learn from it. You get back up and you do it again.
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  Some adults, they've been doing so good. But by the time they turn 30,
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  they already feel burnt out. They don't want to do anything else. Just not unhappy.
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  By the time they're 30, they were like, okay, I've done enough.
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  I'm not going to get anything further than this. They said, yeah,
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  you could work better, at least for our next generation.
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  So people who never feel truly happy because they're always chasing for the next achievement.
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  I think chasing your dream, chasing your achievements, it's okay.
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  Just do not compare to others. Like, I have to be like that.
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  I need to be better than that. Between family to family, even between friends,
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  I have very, very good friends. From her own mouth, she said,
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  she chose people to hang out with.
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  Not every family is up to her standard, I guess, as long as you do not compare.
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  So if you are feeling this pressure, it's not you. It's all about generation.
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  You can always talk about it. And we're here to talk about it, how to handle it.
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  I am suggestion, and I use this in my own way, and I use it in my personal life.
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  That's how I do it with my kid and how the kid can handle the pressure.
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  This is how your kid handles the pressure, right? You're a student or even an
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  adult and still feeling the weight of your parents.
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  Expectation. It's always a expectation. Hear what you can do.
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  Understand that the approval doesn't defy you. You have to show your truly self.
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  You have to show what you're capable of. Your worth is not tied to your grade,
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  your career, your salary.
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  You have to show them who you are. And you are more than just your achievement.
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  And yes, this is hard to remember when your parents are disappointing.
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  You have to have B+, you have to have A. Trust me, your why you go beyond the numbers.
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  I've learned that the hard way for my own son. I have to step back.
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  I have to listen. I have to hear him. I have to know how he is.
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  If things are not going your way, it might go his way. If your parents keep pushing, try this.
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  Try to talk to them like this. Let's say your parents keep pushing you with your love, right?
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  If your parents keep pushing you, pushing you, and you try to tell them,
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  I know you want me to be the best of me, but I need to figure this out my own way.
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  When I'm ready, I'll find my way. Now, as a parent, you kind of like have to
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  step back when your kids say that.
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  It doesn't mean you leave them alone. You're still going to be there supporting them.
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  And if you see kind of slack off and you bring up, how are you going to handle
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  it? You need help. You need our support.
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  Now, if your parents compare you to others, here's what you should do.
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  Just say, you appreciate your advice. I'm on my own path.
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  Do not be silent. Do not say, oh, forget about it. Let's not talk about it.
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  No, you have to talk about it. Let them know that you're going to be on your own path.
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  This isn't about disrespect.
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  It's about reminding them that you control your future.
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  Your future is on your own. But as a parent, step back and be supported.
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  Now, you have to find your own definition of success.
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  Some people, success means big house, big car, good salary. Do you actually want to be a doctor?
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  I have a niece who just take the nurse call, become a nurse, and she hated it.
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  She did that just because her sister's already a nurse. Parents already said,
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  okay, they make good money.
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  You're always going to have a job being a nurse. So she became a nurse.
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  She spent four years to become, you know, go to school, graduated.
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  Guess what? Her first assignment she didn't even make through the night because
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  she hated it. Let's face it, nurse is not for everybody and I give with all my heart.
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  That's a thing they do, I cannot do. If the other be a doctor,
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  it doesn't have to be, you don't have to be a doctor.
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  Do what makes you happy. Think about what makes you happy.
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  Now, the laziness is not going to die in our household, right?
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  Because the laziness is just not the way you're supposed to be.
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  What makes you happy? Then you need to think about that. That's your future, your own future.
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  But it doesn't have to be the one that looks good for your parents or the one
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  that looks good for the others. Live life the way you are, the way you want
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  to be, and be a good person.
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  As a parent, how can you break that cycle? You are the parent listening to this.
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  First of all, I'm up to you for being open to this conversation.
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  And I'm so glad you are listening and willing to have this conversation.
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  You want your kid to be successful, but that's the thing.
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  Pressure isn't the same as support. We have to defy pressure and defy support.
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  Support is you let your kid do, be who they are.
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  Pressure is pressure them to be like
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  the others pressure them to be good to be
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  a doctor very powerful when i
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  started supporting my son and he does so much better so he you could think about
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  how you could push your kid without overwhelming praise the effort not just
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  the result and he was so willing he was so appreciated i am proud of myself
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  to do that i would be like i see your great,
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  buddy, but you work very hard.
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  Keep on going. I'm so proud of you.
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  Encourage them. That's what they want. Want them to improve themselves instead
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  of feeling like they're never good enough.
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  No, that's a no. Teach your balance. Do you want your child to be successful
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  or you want your child to be miserable?
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  Let them rest. Let them have their hobby. Let them enjoy their childhood.
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  Let them enjoy their teenagers' life. Every kid has different strengths.
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  Every kid has different abilities.
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  Why aren't you passionate about it? Your person's already graduated, make a lot of money,
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  Why don't you think about that? No. At the end of the day, happiness is matters.
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  Deal with the competitive parents too, you know, when you have like,
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  okay, let's talk about that auntie, you know, the one that who can't wait to
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  remind you that her kid got into Harvard while you still figuring things out.
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  And this is how you handle it. Smile and redirect it. When they brag,
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  just smile and say, that's great. How are you doing?
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  When they brag about their kid, oh, my kid go to MIT and just smile.
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  That's great. I'm happy for you. So they shifted the kind of way away from the
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  kid and make it talk about themselves and talk about something else.
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  When family get together, you don't always have to compare about kid do this,
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  kid do that. Direct them to other kind of conversation.
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  Play the humble card. If they ask what your child's doing instead of defending
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  Twilight, they are exploring different options, you know, and learning along
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  the way. Like, my kid doing great.
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  They fight away themselves. They try to fight themselves.
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  Be unshakable. If they just keep pushing it, just say, every child has their own journey.
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  That's it. The less you engage, the more power you have. Every family always have that auntie.
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  My family is not perfect and I have that auntie. That's how I know how to talk
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  and I'm good with talking and changing the subject.
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  Even between friends too, I actually got caught on.
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  My best see was like, wow, you're really good about changing the subject.
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  You're bending the right way.
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  Thank you for that. Good. It's okay to change the subject. Then move on.
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  Success isn't about beating others. It's about building a life you love.
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  It's about building a life together.
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  Your worth isn't measuring your trophies, your grade, or your six-figure job.
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  You don't have to put anything to anyone. If you are parents,
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  find a way to encourage without comparing.
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  This is it for today's episode of Diva Details. If this spoke to you,
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  share it with friends, subscribe, and let's keep the conversation going.
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  Not just Asian culture, it's about everything. Until next time,
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  stay bold, stay kind, and remember, you are already enough.
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  Bye for now. This is Diva Cat signing off.
• 13:18
  Thanks for tuning in. Like, subscribe, and drop a comment. We love hearing from you.
• 13:24
  Visit thezivadetails.com to connect. See you next week for more.
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