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On becoming a liar · Conversations with My Walls

• 0:00
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Morgan and this is Conversations with My Walls, episode 5.
• 0:05
  SPEAKER_00: In this episode,
• 0:08
  SPEAKER_00: this quote from James Clear has stuck with me and it has a lot to do with liars:
• 0:14
  SPEAKER_00: "It doesn't make sense to continue wanting something if you're not willing
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: to do what it takes to get it.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_00: If you don't want to live the lifestyle, then release yourself from the desire.
• 0:28
  SPEAKER_00: To crave the result but not the process is to guarantee disappointment."
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I've transitioned from asking myself why to embracing what is within the upset
• 0:43
  SPEAKER_00: and heartbreak I've experienced in the past few weeks.
• 0:47
  SPEAKER_00: It has a lot to do with the stories I tell myself.
• 0:52
  SPEAKER_00: This extends to lies just as much.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_00: I've decided not to lie to myself about the idea that he'll change.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_00: Even though this lie technically doesn't hurt anyone but myself,
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: it's made me wonder,
• 1:07
  SPEAKER_00: how capable are we of lying to ourselves repeatedly with enough integrity not
• 1:13
  SPEAKER_00: to hurt anyone else?
• 1:16
  SPEAKER_00: If we only consider honesty for big moral things and not the small things
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: where we delude ourselves into normalizing and excusing them,
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: it's going to be a problem.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because lying once affects our ability to lie again.
• 1:33
  SPEAKER_00: It makes it easier.
• 1:35
  SPEAKER_00: And I have receipts.
• 1:38
  SPEAKER_00: But first, why do we want to lie in the first place?
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: We can lie to ourselves about being ready and still put in the work because we want the life.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_00: We want the lifestyle.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_00: We also can lie to ourselves and our partners about being ready and never put in the work.
• 1:59
  SPEAKER_00: The hard thing is that both have the same outside appearance.
• 2:04
  SPEAKER_00: And as they say, appearances can be deceiving.
• 2:08
  SPEAKER_00: That exterior has a lot to do with the driving force behind the need to lie.
• 2:14
  SPEAKER_00: It goes beyond the core of wanting something and creates a gap between where we're
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: at and where we want to be.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: This has to do with performance.
• 2:27
  SPEAKER_00: We have to perform, not just be proficient in today's world.
• 2:32
  SPEAKER_00: Where the engagement post gets more engagement than the job announcement post.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_00: The need to perform robs us of the chance to become proficient and close that gap.
• 2:45
  SPEAKER_00: Look at resumes.
• 2:47
  SPEAKER_00: We now have to show results, not just our skills, experience, or knowledge.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: You have to have taken the job from 50 to 5,000.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: Your numbers prove your worth now.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_00: Your know-how doesn't anymore.
• 3:04
  SPEAKER_00: The alternative approach makes me think of a scene in the film Greenberg
• 3:09
  SPEAKER_00: where Ben Stiller says to Greta Gerwig, "You are a value."
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's how it should be,
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: our intrinsic worth as people.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Where you hire the person and the aptitude not because they look good on paper.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because everything else is teachable.
• 3:27
  SPEAKER_00: The personality and drive isn't.
• 3:30
  SPEAKER_00: The creative newsletter Open All Hours recently wrote an article titled "Here's Why
• 3:36
  SPEAKER_00: the Student Who Gets the Internship Isn't the Most Talented One."
• 3:41
  SPEAKER_00: It's the people who know how to speak to the company who get to the next phase
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: before the portfolio piece, aka the talent, is even considered.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: These people are proficient beyond the portfolio.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_00: The others save their performance for it.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: At the end of the day, it's about how you think more than the end product you produce.
• 4:06
  SPEAKER_00: In reality, every touchpoint is a part of the portfolio.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_00: The students who are seeing the portfolio as a collection of images only,
• 4:17
  SPEAKER_00: being the end-all be-all, are the ones who are lying to themselves.
• 4:22
  SPEAKER_00: The cycle of disappointment continues under those circumstances, in both work and relationships.
• 4:31
  SPEAKER_00: The equally sad and wonderful part is that insight comes from action, not thought.
• 4:38
  SPEAKER_00: Lies can create a carnage of broken hearts and continue that pattern
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_00: if we don't take action to change.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: It's wonderful when you do a hurtful thing and then seek to correct the lie, the hurt.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_00: But when you keep lying,
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_00: then it's just cruel.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when we recruit others into the deception.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when that deception starts at something we are only telling ourselves.
• 5:08
  SPEAKER_00: My ex said the particular app we met on was his last ditch effort after he burnt out
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_00: on the others.
• 5:15
  SPEAKER_00: As I had done the same, so I got it.
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_00: But now I'm inclined to think from that data that he chose to keep lying
• 5:23
  SPEAKER_00: to himself long before he met me.
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_00: And our relationship likely got further off the ground because of the long distance.
• 5:32
  SPEAKER_00: While I didn't lie to myself about doing what it took to make the distance work,
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: since I'd successfully done it before in the past,
• 5:40
  SPEAKER_00: there was another way I'd been lying to myself.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_00: I remember hearing that love and career are intertwined, job interviews being like dates.
• 5:51
  SPEAKER_00: He and I were somewhat opposites in this way.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: Career was so effortless for him, and it's always been a challenge for me.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships were a challenge for him,
• 6:04
  SPEAKER_00: and while they've been hard for me too, I've always found a way through it.
• 6:09
  SPEAKER_00: He said he could talk about anything to anyone all day unless it was under a romantic context.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_00: And I could talk about romance and feelings all day long unless it came to pitching
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: or career-related topics.
• 6:26
  SPEAKER_00: Then I get scared.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_00: What I've lied to myself about is that I can't do it alone.
• 6:32
  SPEAKER_00: That's why career has felt so hard.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_00: Where I don't lack the drive,
• 6:38
  SPEAKER_00: effort, or talent, I lack the belief that I can sustain it all on my shoulders.
• 6:44
  SPEAKER_00: Even though I have direct evidence to the contrary.
• 6:48
  SPEAKER_00: I thrive in my work.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_00: People enjoy working with me.
• 6:52
  SPEAKER_00: I just block myself from what I deserve more often than not out of fear.
• 6:59
  SPEAKER_00: I think it's why I love the idea of remaining friends with an ex.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: If romance doesn't work, then our shared communities can grow.
• 7:09
  SPEAKER_00: But it's not that simple.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_00: It can be another lie that I can't do it alone.
• 7:15
  SPEAKER_00: A lie that feeds to self-abandonment even more.
• 7:19
  SPEAKER_00: That's why honesty can be best looked at as a return to self.
• 7:26
  SPEAKER_00: What I've created here with the podcast is a sweet spot of love and career
• 7:30
  SPEAKER_00: by communicating and sharing emotions at the forefront.
• 7:34
  SPEAKER_00: I think the struggle with being a creative person is that art is so emotional.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_00: It comes from a place inside you, yet the world of commerce is very analytical and data-driven.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_00: While I love that side of it also, it created a dissonance for me.
• 7:55
  SPEAKER_00: But I get to create the fusion of the two worlds by being honest with myself.
• 8:01
  SPEAKER_00: And it feels so much easier already.
• 8:03
  SPEAKER_00: I don't tire under the weight of it on my shoulders.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Instead, it makes me feel lighter now.
• 8:11
  SPEAKER_00: It's where my idealism wishes that people would embrace the willingness to change
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: and do better to themselves and others.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: But it's a journey where we have to decide what gets to be the catalyst
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: or eye-opener for ourselves, not someone else.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: We're conditioned to choose either/or,
• 8:32
  SPEAKER_00: but when we decondition ourselves,
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_00: we can figure out how to have both/and.
• 8:38
  SPEAKER_00: Love and career.
• 8:40
  SPEAKER_00: And change the conditioning that I touched on in the last episode telling us
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: as women that we can't have it all.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: But telling the truth means you have to start with choosing yourself,
• 8:52
  SPEAKER_00: if not your brain first.
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Since lying can literally change your brain chemistry,
• 8:58
  SPEAKER_00: making it easier to justify the next one we tell to ourselves or others.
• 9:04
  SPEAKER_00: The receipts I promised are courtesy of the Notre Dame Center for Ethical Leadership.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: They warn,
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: "beware of people who tell little lies",
• 9:13
  SPEAKER_00: and advise,
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: "build integrity with small acts of honesty",
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_00: and "take a second look at your gut responses".
• 9:21
  SPEAKER_00: Not only is lying a slippery slope,
• 9:24
  SPEAKER_00: the lack of ramifications for even the smallest lies allow them to continue without
• 9:29
  SPEAKER_00: the nudge or accountability to change.
• 9:33
  SPEAKER_00: While that sounds like everyone out there is a liar,
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: here's something so that we don't get disillusioned by it.
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_00: They continue to explain that a sign of a person who is less likely to lie falls
• 9:46
  SPEAKER_00: on those who feel guilt easier.
• 9:49
  SPEAKER_00: Those are people who are less likely to get into a cycle of dishonesty.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: And those who do tell the truth,
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: well that works in our favor all the more to build a continued resilience
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_00: for honesty.
• 10:02
  SPEAKER_00: We can justify lies to benefit another person,
• 10:06
  SPEAKER_00: which is why listening to our gut is stronger than listening to our thoughts as
• 10:12
  SPEAKER_00: a moral compass.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: If it feels off, it is.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: You cannot justify your way out of a gut response.
• 10:22
  SPEAKER_00: They sum it up with, "The next time you're tempted to lie, keep your amygdala in mind.
• 10:29
  SPEAKER_00: Recognize that your choices do not just shape the outside world.
• 10:34
  SPEAKER_00: They also shape your inner world.
• 10:37
  SPEAKER_00: The world of your mind, character, and emotions.
• 10:41
  SPEAKER_00: In ways we are only just beginning to observe."
• 10:46
  SPEAKER_00: So to stop getting in a cycle of hurting yourself and others,
• 10:50
  SPEAKER_00: start by being honest about what you want and if you're actually willing
• 10:55
  SPEAKER_00: to do what it takes to get it.
• 10:57
  SPEAKER_00: So you can build on desire and stop living in disappointment.
• 11:02
  SPEAKER_00: The first step is being honest about how you are a value.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: Because those micro delusions are either going to lift you up in a learnable mistake
• 11:13
  SPEAKER_00: or tear you down in a pattern of lies when self-preservation starts
• 11:18
  SPEAKER_00: to look more like cruelty.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_00: Be sure to subscribe over on your favorite podcast platform or on Substack
• 11:29
  SPEAKER_00: at morganlindsaynelson.substack.com where as a free subscriber you have the ability
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_00: to read each episode.
• 11:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's Morgan as in Morgan Freeman,
• 11:39
  SPEAKER_00: Lindsay as in Lindsay Lohan, and Nelson as in Nelson Mandela for the spelling.
• 11:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're looking to upgrade your art in your life,
• 11:48
  SPEAKER_00: be sure to check out my print store, morganlindsaynelson.com.
• 11:53
  SPEAKER_00: If you've tuned in to the last episodes,
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_00: you'll find special art print releases tied into those stories and more.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: In the meantime, be sure to decorate your walls and your thoughts with intention.