Latest / RUN YOUR MOUTH / Becoming a man's PEACE

Transcript

Becoming a man's PEACE · RUN YOUR MOUTH

• 0:56
  SPEAKER_00: What up, though?
• 0:57
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome back to the Run Your My Podcast with your girl Key.
• 1:00
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all, the streets are talking, and we're making room for some honest conversation.
• 1:05
  SPEAKER_00: Everybody happy about the election results?
• 1:08
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, yes, yes.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_00: But today I want to talk to you about something that took me a few decades and many broken relationships to understand.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna talk about being his peace.
• 1:20
  SPEAKER_00: That's right, how to be your man's peace.
• 1:22
  SPEAKER_00: Now, before y'all start shaking your head and talking about, oh well, Key, you don't know nothing about that.
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Stay with me.
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because I have something to say about being his peace and also about being my peace.
• 1:36
  SPEAKER_00: This conversation requires accountability.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the kind you have when the room that probably should have been left in the past.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_00: And you sitting in that quiet room and you asking yourself, Who's taking sides now?
• 1:52
  SPEAKER_00: Nobody is taking your side.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_00: And you finally ask yourself, What did I contribute to?
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_00: What happened?
• 2:02
  SPEAKER_00: That can be an uncomfortable question for a lot of us.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: Because we always want to point fingers and we want to blame the other person and we want to make it about us.
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: So we never really take time to ask ourselves, what did I contribute to that argument, that disagreement, or just that uncomfortable feeling?
• 2:20
  SPEAKER_00: It is easier to remember what somebody else did to you than to examine how you responded and what you may have did to contribute to that situation.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_00: It took me a long time to figure it out.
• 2:31
  SPEAKER_00: It's easier to tell the story of how they disappointed us than to admit there were times we didn't know how to love them well either.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: Men don't always react the way we react, they don't respond to the way we react, the way we expect them to respond to the action that we both generated.
• 2:53
  SPEAKER_00: We all know that they say men are from Mars and women is from Venus.
• 2:57
  SPEAKER_00: That can be so true.
• 2:59
  SPEAKER_00: But as I get older and I realize my way of thinking and how I looked at things, it has a way of making you look at your own reflection a little bit longer.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm starting with me.
• 3:14
  SPEAKER_00: That's something I don't always do.
• 3:16
  SPEAKER_00: That's all that's pretty much something I never do.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_00: Um generally when I'm talking, I'm running my mouth, I'm talking about social uh society and uh cultural things and things that I read, um, whether it be social media or I hear in the grocery store or here, here and there, go back and dig on Google, you know, reading the news online or our worldly events.
• 3:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's usually what I try to hit on.
• 3:45
  SPEAKER_00: But today I want to start with me.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_00: It took me a few decades and many broken relationships to learn how to be a man's peace.
• 3:52
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm part of that lesson was learning how to find peace within myself.
• 3:57
  SPEAKER_00: You know, the old saying they say hurt people hurt people.
• 3:59
  SPEAKER_00: I don't believe that.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_00: I believe hurt people who don't take accountability hurt people.
• 4:04
  SPEAKER_00: I believe people who don't get over their triggers hurt people.
• 4:09
  SPEAKER_00: I believe that when we let toxicity control us based on yesterday's relationship or what you saw somebody else go through, that's what hurt other people.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Let me explain what I mean.
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_00: When I was younger, I thought loving somebody deeply would automatically make me a good person or a good partner.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: I love him.
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_00: I love him.
• 4:37
  SPEAKER_00: I tell him I love him.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: If I cared about you, supported you, showed you, showed up for you, and wanted a future with you, surely that was enough.
• 4:47
  SPEAKER_00: So I thought.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_00: I'm speaking from a woman's point of view now.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: It's not that we're angry and we're aggressive, but sometimes we tend to, as women, forget how to be a man's peace and we start trying to be his mother, his caretaker, his guide, his leader, his light, his everything.
• 5:24
  SPEAKER_00: Everything but peace.
• 5:26
  SPEAKER_00: You can want a relationship to work and still approach every disagreement like somebody has to lose.
• 5:33
  SPEAKER_00: What happened to agreeing or disagreeing a relationship?
• 5:37
  SPEAKER_00: We didn't win, we didn't lose, we agreed to disagree, and we kept it moving.
• 5:43
  SPEAKER_00: We often have good intentions and poor habits at the same time.
• 5:47
  SPEAKER_00: And I know I had many, many good intentions.
• 5:52
  SPEAKER_00: Heart was felt, heart was where it was.
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: I love you.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_00: I want to be here, I want to support you, I want to be the partner that you prayed for, the partner that you met.
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: My intentions were very good.
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: My habits and my delivery may have been very poor.
• 6:12
  SPEAKER_00: That's a hard thing to admit for me, anyway.
• 6:16
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when you have spent years telling yourself my heart was in the right place.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I'm good to I'm good to him.
• 6:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm doing right.
• 6:23
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, he got me messed up.
• 6:25
  SPEAKER_00: He did this, that, and the third.
• 6:27
  SPEAKER_00: But oh, I've been doing this and I've been doing that.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_00: I've been good to him.
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_00: I showed up, I loved him, I supported him.
• 6:37
  SPEAKER_00: Well, sometimes my heart was in the right place, but my delivery needed so much work.
• 6:43
  SPEAKER_00: When I tell you, it was rah-rah all the time, like, oh, you so you did what?
• 6:49
  SPEAKER_00: And let me go here and let me go there.
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: I may have meant well when I tell you you need to do this and that and the third.
• 6:57
  SPEAKER_00: But instead of me saying, you need to do this with your life, or you need to meet me halfway, you need to do this, I should have approached it differently.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: I should have said, let's let's talk about this way, let's talk about doing things like this, let's talk about how we can better this relationship, how we can better our finances, how we can better the moments when we don't agree, how we can better communication.
• 7:22
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't always do that.
• 7:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes it was terrible.
• 7:28
  SPEAKER_00: I may have showed up with good intent, my delivery could have been poor as hell, and my timing was even worse because during that time when I'm growing and I'm still seeking myself and trying to find out how to love unconditionally another human being, be my peace and be his peace at the same time.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: I found myself in turmoil.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_00: So I didn't always show up at the right time to have these conversations or to even like it's like when you discipline your child and you should do it when you're in a calm state of mind.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_00: Uh so you won't beat them, so you won't holler, so you won't say things that they will always carry.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_00: And um, that's the same thing with a relationship in a man.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You want to make sure your timing is right.
• 8:19
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I need a reassurance, but instead of asking for it, I started an argument.
• 8:24
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes I want to feel close, but the way I express my disappointment, push the other person further away.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_00: Have you ever wanted somebody to understand you so bad because they have misunderstood you so bad that you stop trying to understand them, just shut it down, go cold.
• 8:44
  SPEAKER_00: That was my mechanism.
• 8:45
  SPEAKER_00: Listen, I'm over here doing my thing, and if you don't get it, don't worry about it.
• 8:50
  SPEAKER_00: Now I ain't talking for a whole week, and when I am talking, I'm screaming, or I'm talking vulgar, or I'm talking in a in a way in which he has now shut down and he's not hearing me because I'm talking over him, and I stopped trying to understand him.
• 9:10
  SPEAKER_00: Sit with that for a moment.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: We've all done it.
• 9:19
  SPEAKER_00: Between expressing a feeling and making somebody responsible for every feeling you have, always pointing that finger.
• 9:25
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, I'm upset today.
• 9:27
  SPEAKER_00: I'm menopausing, I'm going through something at work, and I'm coming home and I'm dumping.
• 9:34
  SPEAKER_00: How many of us have dumped and expected our partner to be responsible for everything we're going through?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: And actually know it, even if we didn't say it.
• 9:44
  SPEAKER_00: Your partner can comfort you, your partner can reassure you.
• 9:50
  SPEAKER_00: And a partner can be consistent at doing that.
• 9:53
  SPEAKER_00: They can show up every time.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_00: But there is some work that belongs to us.
• 9:58
  SPEAKER_00: If I've been disappointed before, I have to learn how to recognize the difference between what is happening today and what I am afraid will happen again.
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Every unanswered call cannot be a courtroom.
• 10:10
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, he didn't pick up my phone call.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Now I gotta go into interrogation mode.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_00: I gotta go in private detective mode.
• 10:17
  SPEAKER_00: Superwoman mode.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Every quiet evening cannot become proof that somebody no longer cares.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_00: Did I ask him what was going on in his day?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Did I ask him what's on his mind?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_00: Or did I accuse and I immediately thought that he wasn't paying attention to me because he's thinking about somebody else or he's doing something else?
• 10:40
  SPEAKER_00: Every disagreement cannot become a threat to the entire relationship.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: How many of us have been in relationships and as soon as something goes out, we're ready to pack the whole thing up?
• 10:52
  SPEAKER_00: Get out, get out of my house, get out of my house.
• 10:58
  SPEAKER_00: I've had that conversation so many times till it's unreal.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_00: Every small thing became a threat to the relationship because I just simply didn't know how to carry my disappointment, carry my anger, carry my issues, and carry my peace so that I won't deflect that over to my relationship and make the whole thing chaos.
• 11:28
  SPEAKER_00: But I have to give myself enough time to understand what I'm seeing before I decide what it means, and I didn't always do that.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes what I saw, I was so quick to rush into an assumption or a conclusion.
• 11:46
  SPEAKER_00: I didn't take time to decipher what was really in front of me.
• 11:51
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he had a bad day at work, maybe something's going on with his family.
• 11:56
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he's not feeling well.
• 11:59
  SPEAKER_00: He ain't menopausing, but he may be, he may, may have a stomachache, headache.
• 12:05
  SPEAKER_00: It wasn't that he didn't want my food.
• 12:07
  SPEAKER_00: He just may not have had an appetite.
• 12:12
  SPEAKER_00: And the response didn't always match the action, but at the same time, my reaction wasn't given time to think about the situation.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes we are responding to the person in front of us, sometimes we are responding to everybody who hurt us before they arrived.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_00: And I usually don't take baggage into my relationships.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_00: Because I give everybody a fair chance once.
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: And I immediately revert.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_00: As soon as I started seeing signs and symptoms of something in the past, oh, that's it.
• 12:51
  SPEAKER_00: You had your chance, you had your shot.
• 12:54
  SPEAKER_00: Now you acting like such and such and such and such.
• 13:03
  SPEAKER_00: But the person that hurt me over there.
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: And that person in front of me probably had no idea why it's why that little small argument, that little small moment became such a big fight.
• 13:15
  SPEAKER_00: That is where self-awareness becomes important.
• 13:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your self-awareness, that that baggage that you're holding on to, that you say you let go of, you're really holding on to it.
• 13:26
  SPEAKER_00: You're really still bringing it into your every relationship as soon as something doesn't go right or go your way or you don't understand it.
• 13:37
  SPEAKER_00: We just blew up a whole relationship over one that fell apart ten years ago.
• 13:45
  SPEAKER_00: That's when you gotta really be self-aware.
• 13:50
  SPEAKER_00: I had to be able to say, this touched something sensitive in me.
• 13:56
  SPEAKER_00: Let me explain it without accusing you of something you haven't done.
• 13:59
  SPEAKER_00: Let me talk to you.
• 14:01
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't want to talk right now, let me walk away.
• 14:05
  SPEAKER_00: Let me go calm down.
• 14:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna let you calm down.
• 14:09
  SPEAKER_00: I'm gonna give you the opportunity to give me what's in front of me.
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: So I won't have to assume that you are what I left.
• 14:20
  SPEAKER_00: That sentence alone can change the direction of a conversation.
• 14:26
  SPEAKER_00: Another lesson was learning that strength does not require me to stay on defense.
• 14:32
  SPEAKER_00: Oh my goodness.
• 14:33
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna even go into some of the relationships and why they had to end in violence.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not gonna take full accountability for every one of them, but I can say this.
• 14:48
  SPEAKER_00: If there had been more peace, more walking away, more calming down, more let me take a minute, let me walk away for a second, let me go read, let me go pray, let me look at the person in front of me so that he can see the person in front of him.
• 15:03
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't her, you not him.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_00: A whole lot of things could have been resolved because the defense mode would have been taken away.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: When you have spent years taking care of yourself, making decisions, raising children, working, and figuring things out alone.
• 15:23
  SPEAKER_00: You get used to being ready.
• 15:25
  SPEAKER_00: A lot of us stay on go and we're depicted as old angry black woman, or the angry single woman, or this, that, and the third, but we just used to being ready.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you ain't already gotta be ready.
• 15:41
  SPEAKER_00: Ready for a problem, ready for a disappointment, ready to handle whatever somebody else failed to handle.
• 15:48
  SPEAKER_00: That kind of readiness can help you survive difficult seasons in your life.
• 15:52
  SPEAKER_00: Of course it did.
• 15:53
  SPEAKER_00: It helped you get through parenting as a solo parent, it helped you get through building your foundation for your family, it helped you get through school, it helped you get through your job with difficult people.
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: But sometimes it follows you into places where you want to feel loved.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: You ain't always gotta be ready in your house and in your bedroom with your man.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_00: You say you want a partner, but accepting help feels uncomfortable because you're so used to being that kind of ready.
• 16:25
  SPEAKER_00: I was there.
• 16:27
  SPEAKER_00: You say you want someone dependable, but you keep checking behind everything they do.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: He ain't wash the dishes right, but he washed the dishes.
• 16:35
  SPEAKER_00: He ain't fold the clothes the way you usually fold them, but he folded the clothes.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_00: He didn't pick them out perfectly, but he picked them out and he put them in in the washer.
• 16:44
  SPEAKER_00: Took them out the dryer, and actually folded them on the same day.
• 16:52
  SPEAKER_00: He don't pay the bills like you pay him.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_00: He may don't lay all the bills out, get the envelopes ready, but he paid the bills.
• 17:04
  SPEAKER_00: But yet we still keep checking behind him.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: We're not mother.
• 17:09
  SPEAKER_00: We're partner, we're girlfriend, we're wife, we're not mother.
• 17:15
  SPEAKER_00: You ain't gotta clean behind your man's ears all the time.
• 17:19
  SPEAKER_00: You say you want someone to know you, but when they ask what is wrong, you say nothing.
• 17:24
  SPEAKER_00: I'm good, I'm fine.
• 17:27
  SPEAKER_00: When that man wanna talk, and that ain't too often that most men want to really sit down and hold a conversation, he may see something going on and ask you, Are you good?
• 17:36
  SPEAKER_00: Are you okay?
• 17:37
  SPEAKER_00: But will he want to sit there and hear a whole drooled out conversation?
• 17:41
  SPEAKER_00: Probably not.
• 17:42
  SPEAKER_00: But don't say nothing or say I'm fine or say I'm good when you're not good, because now you just held on to something today that's gonna probably carry into your tomorrow, and you expect him to be a magician and be able to read your mind.
• 17:56
  SPEAKER_00: Not gonna happen.
• 17:57
  SPEAKER_00: He's gonna go watch football tomorrow, and you're gonna still have whatever was bothering you on your mind to that next day when you had the opportunity to sit down and talk and tell what was wrong with you.
• 18:09
  SPEAKER_00: You said nothing.
• 18:11
  SPEAKER_00: Then you are hurt or pouty because they didn't figure it out.
• 18:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now listen, people.
• 18:20
  SPEAKER_00: People should pay attention to the person they love.
• 18:24
  SPEAKER_00: That's called consideration, and that matters.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: You love somebody, you start answering for them, you start ordering for them, you pay attention, and you know when something is just not jiving, something's not off, y'all don't live together, y'all usually talk every day.
• 18:40
  SPEAKER_00: A couple days go by, you don't hear from them, something ain't jiving.
• 18:44
  SPEAKER_00: So, yeah, you should pay attention to things like that.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: Because it does matter.
• 18:50
  SPEAKER_00: But you can't keep giving somebody a test that they don't even know they're taking and resent them for failing it.
• 18:58
  SPEAKER_00: Relationships are not test people, they are not SATs, it's a relationship, and sometimes that maturity sounds very simple.
• 19:13
  SPEAKER_00: But it's difficult for a lot of people to just simply say, I had a difficult day and I need a little attention.
• 19:18
  SPEAKER_00: You want everybody to play detective and try to figure out what's wrong with you.
• 19:22
  SPEAKER_00: When our plans change without a conversation, I will feel pissed off, overlooked.
• 19:28
  SPEAKER_00: Oh, you could have called, you could have told me, you could have done this.
• 19:31
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, could have.
• 19:34
  SPEAKER_00: But now let's sit down and talk about why you were late, what happened?
• 19:39
  SPEAKER_00: I want your help, but I'm still learning how to receive it.
• 19:43
  SPEAKER_00: That's a conversation that can take your relationship so far.
• 19:47
  SPEAKER_00: I want your help, not your money, not all your time, but I want your help.
• 19:54
  SPEAKER_00: And the one thing that that fails in a relationship is when people start feeling like they don't need nobody.
• 20:00
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, you do.
• 20:01
  SPEAKER_00: You need somebody.
• 20:02
  SPEAKER_00: You should want to be able to lean on your partner, and vice versa.
• 20:09
  SPEAKER_00: Your partner should want you to be able to lean on them, and they should also be able to lean on you because we all need help, or we wouldn't be in a partnership if we didn't want help and we didn't need help.
• 20:23
  SPEAKER_00: Your partner's supposed to be there to comfort you, reassure you, and show up for you consistently.
• 20:35
  SPEAKER_00: And that's work on both both behalves, it's not just you alone.
• 20:40
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's the difference between expressing yourself and making somebody responsible for everything that you you're going through.
• 20:48
  SPEAKER_00: We have to be fair in our relationships.
• 20:51
  SPEAKER_00: To be somebody's peace, you not only have to have peace within, but you have to have accountability to know every day is not gonna be a same type of peace.
• 21:01
  SPEAKER_00: Peace may look like just let me watch TV.
• 21:05
  SPEAKER_00: Don't ask me nothing, don't say nothing to me, just just let me watch TV.
• 21:09
  SPEAKER_00: Peace may be let her go sit on the porch by herself.
• 21:13
  SPEAKER_00: You ain't gotta go to her girlfriends, you ain't gotta always know her whereabouts and what she's doing.
• 21:19
  SPEAKER_00: Because now she's feeling uneasy and now she's feeling like, oh, you don't trust me.
• 21:25
  SPEAKER_00: So here comes an argument.
• 21:29
  SPEAKER_00: Those are things to think about when it comes down to being somebody's peace.
• 21:33
  SPEAKER_00: Because I told her this is not just for us women, but I did have to, I kind of had to spin it a little bit so that men could understand as well why sometimes we are not in a situation or in a space where we feel like we can be your peace.
• 21:48
  SPEAKER_00: And it's not so much a pointing of fingers, it's just holding you accountable for how you make us feel.
• 21:57
  SPEAKER_00: And a lot of us are babies.
• 22:00
  SPEAKER_00: We babies at heart, you know.
• 22:01
  SPEAKER_00: We may hate weight be a little strong on the outside, a little defensive, but on the inside, we still we we got that that youthfulness about us that we want you to cater to.
• 22:22
  SPEAKER_00: There is strength in being honest, and there is something freeing about realizing I can be capable and still need tenderness so I can take care of myself and be a strong woman and still be tender.
• 22:36
  SPEAKER_00: I can have an opinion and still listen.
• 22:39
  SPEAKER_00: And that was one of my biggest issues, y'all.
• 22:42
  SPEAKER_00: My opinion is strong, I have a very strong personality.
• 22:48
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I come off as aggressive sometimes or or assertive, I'll call it.
• 22:55
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes it's just what I say and I walk away and I'm done.
• 22:59
  SPEAKER_00: I had to learn how to listen.
• 23:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had to learn that I could stand up for myself without turning every moment into a standoff.
• 23:07
  SPEAKER_00: No, you ain't gonna talk to me no any kind of way.
• 23:10
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm gonna listen to what you got to say, and then I'm gonna come in and tell you how you made me feel.
• 23:19
  SPEAKER_00: So let's talk about that mouth.
• 23:23
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna talk about this mouth of mine.
• 23:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because this is run your mouth, and sometimes the mouth needs a meeting with the mind before it goes to work, and I didn't always know that.
• 23:32
  SPEAKER_00: I was like, wait a minute, Key, find yourself, speak on it tomorrow.
• 23:37
  SPEAKER_00: Don't speak on it right now.
• 23:40
  SPEAKER_00: I can say something in 10 seconds that stays with a person for 10 years.
• 23:44
  SPEAKER_00: This mouth was something serious, and it still can be that insult I threw out because I was angry, cut him deep.
• 23:55
  SPEAKER_00: That private insecurity you brought into an argument.
• 23:58
  SPEAKER_00: The man told you something.
• 24:00
  SPEAKER_00: I wasn't big on this.
• 24:01
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I I've heard this and picked this up from other people in their relationships, and I've seen it where people go out and they display every intimate moment on social media.
• 24:13
  SPEAKER_00: That wasn't me.
• 24:14
  SPEAKER_00: Um, I ain't gonna air your dirty laundry.
• 24:17
  SPEAKER_00: And if that's something you do, stop because you will never be his peace.
• 24:21
  SPEAKER_00: If your man tells you something in private and you go and you tell it to your girlfriends, you go in and blast him time y'all fall out, and you know you love this man, you know you really want to be with this man, but you done messed up because of that mouth, he may come back, but he ain't gonna come back.
• 24:38
  SPEAKER_00: You see what I mean?
• 24:40
  SPEAKER_00: He's gonna be there in the physical, but he's never gonna be there in the mental anymore.
• 24:45
  SPEAKER_00: Because it Because we we know we're gonna hurt his feelings real bad if we bring up that embarrassing story he told us and we say it in front of somebody else just because we wanna see a reaction or we won't hurt him.
• 25:01
  SPEAKER_00: The argument may end, but the person may even forgive you, but rebuilding comfort after that can take time, and sometimes that time never comes.
• 25:12
  SPEAKER_00: Because someone's peace included being careful with what they trusted you with enough to share it with you in the first place.
• 25:20
  SPEAKER_00: If a man tells you something painful about his childhood, his fears, his finances, or a moment when he felt inadequate, that information should remain safe with you.
• 25:30
  SPEAKER_00: Take it to your grave.
• 25:32
  SPEAKER_00: Because it wasn't for you to share, it was for him to share with you.
• 25:37
  SPEAKER_00: No matter how mad you get, no matter how bad y'all fall out, take it to your grave.
• 25:44
  SPEAKER_00: Walk away in the relationship, in the friendship, in the partnership.
• 25:48
  SPEAKER_00: But don't get in the habit of breaking somebody down so bad that you once loved or you still love because once that trust is gone, you may as well just walk away.
• 26:00
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I meant.
• 26:01
  SPEAKER_00: I posted one time about chances and how and people took it so wrong.
• 26:06
  SPEAKER_00: Um, they figured I meant people can't change.
• 26:09
  SPEAKER_00: Yes, people can change, but in the midst of that change, how much of that peace did you take away from that relationship?
• 26:16
  SPEAKER_00: How much of that peace did you destroy?
• 26:18
  SPEAKER_00: How much of that trust did you destroy when you want to double back again?
• 26:22
  SPEAKER_00: You gotta think about that.
• 26:25
  SPEAKER_00: Especially when you're on the flip side and you're the one rah-rah, and your man has lost that trust because men don't think and react the way women do, and his pain should not become ammunition when you're upset.
• 26:43
  SPEAKER_00: I have done it so many times within my house, but it still didn't take away, even if nobody heard and nobody seen and nobody knew what we were arguing about, it didn't take away how I made him feel.
• 26:55
  SPEAKER_00: And that that takes away a person's peace, not just with you, but whatever relationship they're gonna be in after you.
• 27:02
  SPEAKER_00: But I also expected that care in return.
• 27:05
  SPEAKER_00: Don't go and blast nothing I told you in private, don't go share my life with nobody else, don't go pillow talk about my business with nobody else.
• 27:15
  SPEAKER_00: Because now I can't double back.
• 27:17
  SPEAKER_00: I will never double back to a person who breaks my trust and disturb my peace.
• 27:24
  SPEAKER_00: Ain't no coming back from that from me.
• 27:28
  SPEAKER_00: Because how can either of us be vulnerable if we are wondering whether our honesty will be used against us later?
• 27:35
  SPEAKER_00: Who wants to be in a relationship like that?
• 27:37
  SPEAKER_00: That's no peace.
• 27:38
  SPEAKER_00: There has to be a place in the relationship where you can lay something down without it being thrown back at us.
• 27:45
  SPEAKER_00: That requires discipline.
• 27:47
  SPEAKER_00: It means sometimes I need to stop talking before I get to the sentence I cannot take back.
• 27:52
  SPEAKER_00: It means I can say I am too upset to have this conversation.
• 27:56
  SPEAKER_00: Well, give me some time and let's come back to it tonight.
• 27:59
  SPEAKER_00: But we ain't never going to bed.
• 28:01
  SPEAKER_00: Let me tell you, don't go to bed mad.
• 28:04
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna come back to it tonight.
• 28:05
  SPEAKER_00: Don't lay beside people in fury.
• 28:08
  SPEAKER_00: Don't think that makeup sex is actually real making up.
• 28:12
  SPEAKER_00: It's just sex in the heat of the night.
• 28:17
  SPEAKER_00: Now take some time.
• 28:20
  SPEAKER_00: Digress and come back.
• 28:24
  SPEAKER_00: A pause can help us settle down.
• 28:27
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving somebody in uncertainty for days creates another problem.
• 28:30
  SPEAKER_00: That's why we ain't going to bed mad.
• 28:32
  SPEAKER_00: We're gonna talk about it.
• 28:33
  SPEAKER_00: We ain't gonna wait two, three days because that's that's an issue.
• 28:37
  SPEAKER_00: Being peaceful does not mean we never disagree.
• 28:40
  SPEAKER_00: It means we learn how to disagree while remembering we care about each other.
• 28:45
  SPEAKER_00: I love this person in front of me.
• 28:48
  SPEAKER_00: Not the person behind me, not the person I want them to be tomorrow.
• 28:51
  SPEAKER_00: I love this person in front of me.
• 28:53
  SPEAKER_00: It's us, it's me and you in this.
• 28:59
  SPEAKER_00: I also had to think about listening, real listening.
• 29:02
  SPEAKER_00: There's a kind of listening where your face is quiet, but your mind is preparing a rebuttal.
• 29:07
  SPEAKER_00: I have a friend, well, I had a friend like this who um didn't give you time to get out what you had to say before they were coming with a comeback.
• 29:18
  SPEAKER_00: You hear three words and you decide where the conversation is going and stop taking in anything else.
• 29:24
  SPEAKER_00: You just harp on what you just heard in the beginning.
• 29:26
  SPEAKER_00: Now you are answering a statement that haven't even finished being made.
• 29:30
  SPEAKER_00: But you already done said something that's gonna divert the whole conversation because you didn't listen.
• 29:38
  SPEAKER_00: And we as women, we do that often.
• 29:40
  SPEAKER_00: I do it a lot, I used to, but right now, the love I have is so great, and I'm so glad I'm in a mature place that I can say, I know how to be this man's peace, I know how to listen to this man, I know how to let this man lead, I know how to follow, and I also know how to be in a leadership position as his partner because we know how to communicate, we know when to be quiet, we know when to talk.
• 30:06
  SPEAKER_00: If we don't talk for a couple of hours or a couple of days, it ain't that serious.
• 30:11
  SPEAKER_00: We know what each other is doing, and we're okay, we're in a good place mentally, in a peaceful place mentally, and that's a great place to be in.
• 30:23
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes a man is trying to explain that he feels overwhelmed, or he may immediately begin listing everything we are overwhelmed about before he even finishes telling you what got him caught up.
• 30:40
  SPEAKER_00: We start comparing.
• 30:42
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, I went through that too.
• 30:44
  SPEAKER_00: Yeah, I feel the same way.
• 30:46
  SPEAKER_00: Oh yeah, let me tell you about this girl in my job.
• 30:49
  SPEAKER_00: Let just wait, wait and let him explain his feelings.
• 30:55
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes he may mention something that hurt him.
• 31:00
  SPEAKER_00: And we explain why we shouldn't feel hurt because of everything we intended.
• 31:10
  SPEAKER_00: So he shouldn't be feeling hurt because of what our intentions was when we was hurt and how we handled it and what we did and how we took it, so now he don't have the right to be hurt about this little thing right here.
• 31:24
  SPEAKER_00: Right?
• 31:25
  SPEAKER_00: But intention does not erase impact.
• 31:27
  SPEAKER_00: If I want space to explain my feelings, I need to make room for his.
• 31:31
  SPEAKER_00: I can ask him, what did that make you feel like?
• 31:35
  SPEAKER_00: I can ask, do you want me to listen or do you want us to work through a solution?
• 31:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because it's a difference.
• 31:41
  SPEAKER_00: Listening requires you not saying anything.
• 31:43
  SPEAKER_00: Listening with your heart, your head, your mind.
• 31:47
  SPEAKER_00: Working through a solution requires both of y'all to exchange dialogue.
• 31:52
  SPEAKER_00: Gotta have a conversation with a meeting with the minds.
• 31:57
  SPEAKER_00: And I can hear an answer that makes me uncomfortable without immediately defending myself.
• 32:01
  SPEAKER_00: Just say, wait.
• 32:02
  SPEAKER_00: I had to learn, just wait.
• 32:04
  SPEAKER_00: Let him finish, let him get it out.
• 32:06
  SPEAKER_00: I don't like what you said, I don't like how you said it.
• 32:09
  SPEAKER_00: But I'm gonna go ahead and let you get it out, and then I'm gonna come wrap around to it.
• 32:14
  SPEAKER_00: I don't have to agree with every detail to listen to him, but it does require me to be willing to learn something.
• 32:21
  SPEAKER_00: Because out of every lesson, out of every failure, out of every triumph, you learn something.
• 32:30
  SPEAKER_00: That man could have been carrying pressure I didn't even recognize.
• 32:36
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe I have interpreted his quietness as indifference when he has been trying to find words.
• 32:42
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe he needs to learn that I cannot understand what he never communicates.
• 32:47
  SPEAKER_00: There's room for both of us in a conversation, and both of us have to learn how to listen.
• 33:00
  SPEAKER_00: Let's apologize and I hate the word sorry, and I'm not normally an apologetic person because I figure what I do and what I say, I said it, I did it, I own up to it, and that's it, that's that.
• 33:11
  SPEAKER_00: But I had to learn how to apologize without making apologies somebody else's assignment.
• 33:16
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, but you pissed me off.
• 33:18
  SPEAKER_00: I'm sorry, but you took it that way because I meant this and I meant that.
• 33:22
  SPEAKER_00: I already apologized about it.
• 33:23
  SPEAKER_00: I'm not finna keep on apologizing about that over and over again.
• 33:26
  SPEAKER_00: That was me then.
• 33:29
  SPEAKER_00: Those words may end the conversation, but they do very little to repair our situation.
• 33:36
  SPEAKER_00: A useful apology gets more respect, it's more specific.
• 33:41
  SPEAKER_00: I interrupted you when I dismissed what you were trying to say.
• 33:45
  SPEAKER_00: That was unfair.
• 33:46
  SPEAKER_00: I apologize.
• 33:47
  SPEAKER_00: I brought up something private to you that hurt you.
• 33:52
  SPEAKER_00: I understand why you don't feel comfortable opening up to me right now.
• 33:55
  SPEAKER_00: Because I shouldn't have brought that back up in your face.
• 33:58
  SPEAKER_00: I apologize.
• 34:00
  SPEAKER_00: I agreed to something, didn't follow through, and left you handling alone because men need help too.
• 34:07
  SPEAKER_00: I apologize that I wasn't there for you, like I expect you to be there for me.
• 34:12
  SPEAKER_00: Then comes the part that gives the apology meaning, actually changing your behavior.
• 34:16
  SPEAKER_00: Don't keep saying you're sorry and doing the same thing.
• 34:18
  SPEAKER_00: Don't keep apologizing and having the same argument two, three months down the road.
• 34:23
  SPEAKER_00: Because after a while, I'm sorry, it can become familiar background noise if the same thing keeps happening and it's no longer worth anything to anybody.
• 34:37
  SPEAKER_00: So when we take accountability, it requires us to ask more questions, do more than explain in ourselves, and have reasonable actions, have consistent actions in our relationships.
• 34:55
  SPEAKER_00: It takes making a different choice.
• 34:59
  SPEAKER_00: So the next time you're tired, you're upset, you're disappointed, embarrassed, that is where your growth becomes visible in your relationship.
• 35:10
  SPEAKER_00: And you start asking those tough questions and taking that tough accountability and saying to yourself, I'm not the only one here in this room.
• 35:17
  SPEAKER_00: This person that's standing in front of me is the person that's standing in front of me.
• 35:21
  SPEAKER_00: It's not the person I dated five years ago, the person I dated two years ago, ten years ago, two months ago.
• 35:27
  SPEAKER_00: The person that's standing in front of me is the person that is standing in front of me, and I have to take accountability for this man's peace.
• 35:35
  SPEAKER_00: He has to take accountability for mine.
• 35:39
  SPEAKER_00: So let me make a very, very, very, very necessary comment as a part of this conversation.
• 35:51
  SPEAKER_00: My desire to be a man's peace does not require me to accept his disrespect and allow him to disturb mine.
• 35:58
  SPEAKER_00: I'm allowed to ask questions, I'm allowed to have needs, I'm allowed to disagree with you, and I'm allowed to expect honesty, consistency, and care.
• 36:07
  SPEAKER_00: I'm allowed to be heard.
• 36:09
  SPEAKER_00: Because if I gotta be your peace, you have to also be my peace.
• 36:14
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship can't depend on one person staying quiet so the other person never feels uncomfortable.
• 36:19
  SPEAKER_00: The relationship can't stand one person saying, Oh, this is just how I am, I'm setting my ways, and that other person never wants to bend, break, or compromise.
• 36:34
  SPEAKER_00: If a reasonable question leads to intimidation, it deserves attention.
• 36:39
  SPEAKER_00: If bringing up a concern always turns into punishment that deserves attention.
• 36:43
  SPEAKER_00: If somebody repeatedly hurts you and then blames you for disturbing their peace when you speak about it, the problem is bigger than your delivery.
• 36:53
  SPEAKER_00: There are situations when the healthiest next step involves support, distance, or walking away.
• 36:59
  SPEAKER_00: And that's what I meant when I shared that post when I said sometimes you just can't keep forgiving the person for the same thing, can't keep going back because that person may change, it just won't be for you.
• 37:12
  SPEAKER_00: So sometimes you may have to make that hard decision and you have to leave because nobody should hear this episode as an instruction to become a better person at tolerating mistreatment.
• 37:22
  SPEAKER_00: No, that's not what this is about.
• 37:26
  SPEAKER_00: I'm talking about what we can contribute to a relationship where both people are willing to practice care.
• 37:33
  SPEAKER_00: And men, if you are listening, I want you in on this conversation as well because this is for you.
• 37:38
  SPEAKER_00: Although we are trying to be your peace and give you a place where you can be human, where you can admit you are tired, where everything you say is not treated as evidence of weakness, your partner deserves that too.
• 37:54
  SPEAKER_00: I've always had men who pretty much catered to me financially or physically, but mentally and emotionally, my partners wasn't always there.
• 38:10
  SPEAKER_00: Because men tend to think they don't have to be.
• 38:13
  SPEAKER_00: Well, we deserve those things from you too, man.
• 38:17
  SPEAKER_00: If you want honesty, make it possible to tell you something difficult.
• 38:21
  SPEAKER_00: If you want tenderness, pay attention to how you treat when I am being tender when it arrives.
• 38:28
  SPEAKER_00: If you want someone to believe your words, follow through on them, and you won't have to keep explaining yourself and you ain't gotta keep apologizing.
• 38:36
  SPEAKER_00: Both people in a relationship help create the atmosphere they live in.
• 38:42
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes we also have to admit that loving somebody does not automatically mean we work well together.
• 38:49
  SPEAKER_00: That's the hardest part of being together.
• 38:52
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you have to break up, sometimes you need to break up, sometimes you need to divorce, sometimes you need to walk away because your peace ain't where you at.
• 39:04
  SPEAKER_00: So if you really want to have peace and you want a woman that's gonna give you peace, you gotta let her go all the other stuff.
• 39:12
  SPEAKER_00: And y'all gotta form that peace of mind together.
• 39:17
  SPEAKER_00: Because you can be with somebody for a billion years and care deeply for them and still want different lives, and that life might not be with that person, and there will never be peace.
• 39:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can share history, you can share struggles, and still not communicate.
• 39:32
  SPEAKER_00: You can have chemistry, good sex, and still keep disappointing each other in the same ways.
• 39:39
  SPEAKER_00: That realization hurts a lot of people, especially when you have invested years and you just don't know how to start over with nobody else, or you just don't want to start over with nobody else, but you know good and well that you will never be his peace and he will never be yours because years together do not answer every question about what comes next.
• 40:02
  SPEAKER_00: The next year is just gonna be another question about what comes next, and you're still gonna be at ease, at each other's throat.
• 40:10
  SPEAKER_00: There will be no peace.
• 40:12
  SPEAKER_00: At some point, we have to look at the relationship and actually ask that question every day.
• 40:21
  SPEAKER_00: Can we speak honestly?
• 40:22
  SPEAKER_00: Can we repair after conflict?
• 40:24
  SPEAKER_00: Do our expectations fit?
• 40:26
  SPEAKER_00: Are both of us really trying?
• 40:28
  SPEAKER_00: Am I comfortable being myself here?
• 40:30
  SPEAKER_00: All those questions matter, and sometimes growth helps two people build something together better apart.
• 40:39
  SPEAKER_00: You recognize that when you move forward and you grow after you separated, because everything that works together for a little while won't be longevity.
• 40:51
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you work better away.
• 40:55
  SPEAKER_00: Either way, there are lessons worth keeping when you go into your next relationship, or when you take that pause and look at that relationship, and tell yourself you don't want a broken relationship, you don't want to leave with nothing except a long list of dislikes and this, that, and the other about what y'all had yesterday.
• 41:15
  SPEAKER_00: What do you got right now?
• 41:17
  SPEAKER_00: So I want you to understand what I needed, what I offer, and what I would do differently.
• 41:25
  SPEAKER_00: Tell your man that.
• 42:11
  SPEAKER_00: I tend to pick trail sometimes and be like, oh well, answer my own question.
• 42:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm able to laugh with him and make room for all the rest of the stuff.
• 42:24
  SPEAKER_00: Discussing our difficult things private and respectfully is easy.
• 42:31
  SPEAKER_00: I take care of my own emotional life so every frustration I carry does not land at his feet.
• 42:37
  SPEAKER_00: And some days that means I need quiet before I'm ready to talk.
• 42:43
  SPEAKER_00: I may not answer my phone.
• 42:45
  SPEAKER_00: Some days it means just calling someone else I trust and to go off and babble and vent.
• 42:52
  SPEAKER_00: I journal a lot, I've always journaled a lot.
• 42:55
  SPEAKER_00: I write down my feelings, I pray, and I try to get through the struggle before I make the struggle our problem.
• 43:05
  SPEAKER_00: And when I need life support, I go to him.
• 43:12
  SPEAKER_00: A relationship that has boundaries, that has accountability, has friendship, purpose, rest, like interest, and room to think, it grows.
• 43:26
  SPEAKER_00: Because relationships can be heavy, and we expect a whole lot out of people that we are not giving ourselves.
• 43:33
  SPEAKER_00: But when you put those things in your relationship, trust, friendship, purpose, rest, interest, and room to think, you'll be that man's peace.
• 43:47
  SPEAKER_00: You'll be your peace.
• 43:50
  SPEAKER_00: And it's such a healthier place for both of y'all to thrive.
• 43:56
  SPEAKER_00: So before I close, I want y'all to think about a few things.
• 44:01
  SPEAKER_00: Pause this episode if you need to, write down some things, go back, replay it.
• 44:06
  SPEAKER_00: But when you feel hurt, how do you usually express it?
• 44:10
  SPEAKER_00: Do you explain, withdraw, accuse, get loud, or act like you don't care?
• 44:15
  SPEAKER_00: What is the one habit you have that makes difficult conversations harder?
• 44:20
  SPEAKER_00: And what would a more honest response around or not around your man sound like?
• 44:28
  SPEAKER_00: Sometimes you have to play it out in your head.
• 44:31
  SPEAKER_00: So what would that response honestly sound like?
• 44:34
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe instead of saying you never care about me, you could say I wanted time with you.
• 44:39
  SPEAKER_00: Because that's really what it's all about.
• 44:40
  SPEAKER_00: You're reflecting.
• 44:44
  SPEAKER_00: And let him know.
• 44:45
  SPEAKER_00: I felt disappointed when you when our plans change, when you hung out with your boys too late, or you was watching the game or you was doing this and you didn't call for three or four days if y'all don't live together, if y'all live together.
• 44:57
  SPEAKER_00: He ain't got no business out talking to you every day.
• 45:00
  SPEAKER_00: But let him know that how it made you feel.
• 45:03
  SPEAKER_00: Instead of saying, do whatever you want, you could say, I disagree, and I want us to talk before we decide.
• 45:11
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe instead of waiting for somebody to guess what's on your mind, tell them what you need.
• 45:16
  SPEAKER_00: But do it in a polite way, do it in a genuine way, not a demanding way.
• 45:23
  SPEAKER_00: Then ask yourself this Does the relationship give me room to practice that honesty?
• 45:29
  SPEAKER_00: Because your effort matters.
• 45:33
  SPEAKER_00: So does the response it receives.
• 45:38
  SPEAKER_00: Hmm.
• 45:40
  SPEAKER_00: Y'all, it took me a few decades and many, many, many, many broken relationships to learn how to be a man's peace.
• 45:47
  SPEAKER_00: Even when I was peaceful, I still had to learn how to be his peace.
• 45:52
  SPEAKER_00: Some of those lessons were very painful.
• 45:54
  SPEAKER_00: Some were humbling, some came after I finally stopped explaining to everybody and to myself long enough to examine myself that I was a part of the problem.
• 46:06
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm still learning.
• 46:08
  SPEAKER_00: I'm learning that I don't have to have the last word, I don't have to say everything at that moment.
• 46:17
  SPEAKER_00: I'm learning that being understood begins with being clear.
• 46:20
  SPEAKER_00: I'm a very great communicator.
• 46:22
  SPEAKER_00: I say exactly what's on my mind, and sometimes that's too much.
• 46:26
  SPEAKER_00: So I'm learning that I have to have boundaries.
• 46:32
  SPEAKER_00: Speak clear.
• 46:34
  SPEAKER_00: And sometimes speak later on at night.
• 46:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'm learning to appreciate love in its daily forms.
• 46:41
  SPEAKER_00: The call, the follow-through, the consideration, the effort.
• 46:44
  SPEAKER_00: And I'm learning to ask whether I offer those same things consistently.
• 46:50
  SPEAKER_00: So to the woman who recognizes yourself in this conversation, you still have room to grow.
• 46:55
  SPEAKER_00: You can acknowledge an old habit that you have with an old relationship without deciding it defines the rest of your life and the relationship you're in today.
• 47:03
  SPEAKER_00: To the man that's listening, I hope you make room for honest reflection too.
• 47:08
  SPEAKER_00: There may be something you can hear differently, say differently, or handle with more care, be more consistent.
• 47:14
  SPEAKER_00: Show up.
• 47:17
  SPEAKER_00: We all bring a history into love.
• 47:20
  SPEAKER_00: The work is learning what to carry forward and what we need to leave behind before it ends up.
• 47:27
  SPEAKER_00: And then we have peace in our relationships.
• 47:31
  SPEAKER_00: This is your girl key.
• 47:33
  SPEAKER_00: You've been listening to Run Your Mount Podcast.
• 47:36
  SPEAKER_00: And I hope you tune in for the next episode.
• 47:39
  SPEAKER_00: Until then, y'all have a good one.
• 47:42
  SPEAKER_00: I'm out.