Latest / The Scorpion by Anna Elisabet Weirauch. / 10 - The Scorpion.

Transcript

10 - The Scorpion. · The Scorpion by Anna Elisabet Weirauch.

0:00
Speaker 1: Myra locked and bolted the door. She heard the footsteps
0:03
Speaker 1: of the maid grow fainter, a click as the electric
0:06
Speaker 1: lights were turned on and off, a latch lifted somewhere
0:09
Speaker 1: in the distance, the creaking of a hinge more steps,
0:13
Speaker 1: probably on the next floor, and a slowly repeated, irregular
0:16
Speaker 1: sound as if an open window were banging. Then silence. Vast, overarching, empty, cool, dark,
0:24
Speaker 1: unmoving silence. Myra had to make up her mind at
0:28
Speaker 1: last to take her hand from the lock and go
0:30
Speaker 1: to the electric button, although she was afraid of the
0:33
Speaker 1: sound of her footsteps and the rustling of her own skirt.
0:37
Speaker 1: She turned on all the lights, even the little lamps
0:40
Speaker 1: beside the bed and on the desk. In the over-illuminated room,
0:44
Speaker 1: she stole along the walls, opening and closing the closets,
0:48
Speaker 1: raising the curtains and drawing them again. She was not
0:51
Speaker 1: afraid that there might be a murderer hidden in the room.
0:54
Speaker 1: but she wished to familiarize herself with every detail of
0:57
Speaker 1: her strange surroundings. She was merely afraid that something might surprise,
1:02
Speaker 1: and thereby terrify, her. The unfamiliar furniture might assume the
1:07
Speaker 1: form of a phantom figure in the dark room. A
1:10
Speaker 1: draft might twist the curtains into human shape. She also
1:13
Speaker 1: examined the pictures very carefully. She recollected from feverish nights
1:18
Speaker 1: in her childhood that even well-known pictures— when seen in
1:22
Speaker 1: the dusk or in the penumbra of the night lamp
1:24
Speaker 1: by the bed, can transform themselves into terrifying faces. When
1:29
Speaker 1: she had examined the room in this fashion, she again
1:32
Speaker 1: turned out all the bulbs except one that shed only
1:35
Speaker 1: a very diffuse light. But there was no longer anything
1:38
Speaker 1: to terrify her in this twilight. Myra knew that that
1:41
Speaker 1: crouching shadow was the curved commode, and that unaccountable ray
1:45
Speaker 1: of light came from the edge of the mirror above
1:47
Speaker 1: the wash basin. reflecting the reflection of the electric light
1:51
Speaker 1: in the mirror on the bureau. She opened her suitcase
1:54
Speaker 1: and took out various articles she needed. A nightdress, which
1:58
Speaker 1: she spread on the bed, a couple of bottles and brushes,
2:01
Speaker 1: which she carried to the wash basin. Then she brought
2:04
Speaker 1: the box from the night table and laid a piece
2:07
Speaker 1: of soft white silk on the bottom, as carefully as
2:10
Speaker 1: if she were smoothing her lover's couch, or preparing for
2:13
Speaker 1: a priestly service. With cautious movements, as if she were
2:17
Speaker 1: handling living objects, she laid the revolver and the cigarette
2:21
Speaker 1: case with the scorpion inside. She shut the box with
2:24
Speaker 1: a determined gesture, for as always, the sight of the
2:28
Speaker 1: revolver aroused in her an almost passionate desire to set
2:31
Speaker 1: its cool, smooth, metallic mouth to her temple. She was
2:35
Speaker 1: afraid to give way to this desire, for she was
2:38
Speaker 1: not sure that some sudden impulse might not make her
2:41
Speaker 1: pull the trigger, and thus lead her, rather by accident
2:44
Speaker 1: than from necessity, to destroy herself, and thereby extinguish thought, feeling, memory, anticipation.
2:52
Speaker 1: She did not wish to die. Or rather, she would
2:55
Speaker 1: gladly have died, if it had not involved being dead.
2:59
Speaker 1: She would gladly have died the same death as Olga,
3:02
Speaker 1: if only to be able to know with her last
3:04
Speaker 1: thought that she was suffering all that Olga had suffered,
3:07
Speaker 1: and that it was not so unbearable, so terrible, as
3:10
Speaker 1: inexperience imagined it. On the other hand, she felt a
3:14
Speaker 1: fierce desire for life of which she knew so little,
3:18
Speaker 1: Not that she promised herself any great joys, any fine
3:21
Speaker 1: raptures therefrom, but she felt so well armed against the
3:25
Speaker 1: beautiful and terrifying monster that it would have been a
3:28
Speaker 1: pity to give up the struggle. It seemed to her
3:31
Speaker 1: as if Olga's blood had bathed her soul in that
3:34
Speaker 1: invulnerability that Siegfried found in the dragon's blood. She was
3:38
Speaker 1: convinced that she had surmounted the most beautiful, the most difficult,
3:42
Speaker 1: the most significant part of her life. In the tragedy
3:46
Speaker 1: or comedy in which birth compelled her to participate, she
3:49
Speaker 1: had had to play her part only in the first act.
3:53
Speaker 1: She had expended all her strength and feeling, and now
3:56
Speaker 1: she mingled with the supers still eager, but exhausted by
3:59
Speaker 1: the shocks which she had undergone. Half curiously, half wearily,
4:04
Speaker 1: she watched the others act. In reality, her curiosity was
4:08
Speaker 1: stronger than she knew, and although she thought or wished
4:11
Speaker 1: to think, that she was no longer capable of any
4:14
Speaker 1: powerful emotion, either joy or pain, although she felt that
4:17
Speaker 1: her peace of mind was steeled against impacts of every sort,
4:21
Speaker 1: she felt moved to try the invulnerability of her armor,
4:24
Speaker 1: to seek out new impressions and expose herself to them.
4:28
Speaker 1: She would plunge into the thickest of the fray, pressing
4:31
Speaker 1: the bristling spear heads to her breast. The first to
4:35
Speaker 1: which she so eagerly offered herself and whose wounds she
4:37
Speaker 1: had certainly not suffered before, were strangeness of surroundings and solitude.
4:43
Speaker 1: As a result of the feeling that in her new
4:45
Speaker 1: freedom she had herself elected strangeness and solitude, and as
4:49
Speaker 1: a result, too, of the thought that nothing more could
4:52
Speaker 1: hurt her, nothing more must hurt her since her separation
4:55
Speaker 1: from Olga Rado, she felt the cold and almost hostile
4:58
Speaker 1: silence as a kind of beneficent release. One thing she knew,
5:02
Speaker 1: she could endure solitude. But tomorrow she would be compelled
5:06
Speaker 1: to take her meals in a room containing ten or
5:08
Speaker 1: twenty strange people. The idea almost took away her breath.
5:13
Speaker 1: She felt curious eyes pricking her skin like pinpoints. But
5:17
Speaker 1: she would endure that, too. Somewhere below a door slammed,
5:21
Speaker 1: with a dull heavy sound that shook all the walls.
5:24
Speaker 1: The elevator rose with a humming noise as if the
5:27
Speaker 1: huge body of the house were drawing a labored breath.
5:30
Speaker 1: In the stillness of the night she could hear quite
5:32
Speaker 1: clearly the click as it passed the first, then the
5:35
Speaker 1: second floor. She heard, too, the opening of doors, the
5:39
Speaker 1: clinking of keys and grinding of locks, the snapping of
5:42
Speaker 1: electric buttons, footsteps moving carefully over muffling carpets or pounding
5:47
Speaker 1: on the bare floor. A suppressed laugh, a whispered good night.
5:51
Speaker 1: Myra tried to decide whether these voices which she could
5:54
Speaker 1: barely hear were pleasant or unpleasant. She arrived at no
5:58
Speaker 1: very definite decision. The door opened in the adjoining room.
6:02
Speaker 1: Again she heard the softest rustling. the click of the
6:06
Speaker 1: electric light, the drawing of curtains. Myra knew nothing of
6:10
Speaker 1: the man in the next room, nothing. Not even his name,
6:14
Speaker 1: not even his age, not even as much as can
6:17
Speaker 1: be read in any face that hastily passes one by
6:20
Speaker 1: in a dark street. And yet she knew that her
6:22
Speaker 1: neighbor did not care to be waked up early, for
6:25
Speaker 1: she heard the window shut with considerable care. That he
6:29
Speaker 1: was a considerate person, for he took pains to make
6:32
Speaker 1: no noise, pulled off his shoes quietly and stole about
6:35
Speaker 1: in soft slippers so that she could no longer hear
6:37
Speaker 1: him walking, and sensed his presence only by a slight vibration.
6:42
Speaker 1: He was a cleanly person too, for despite the lateness
6:45
Speaker 1: of the hour, he brushed his teeth at some length.
6:49
Speaker 1: It made Myra laugh. Perhaps it would be best to
6:52
Speaker 1: make the acquaintance of all one's fellow humans in this fashion.
6:56
Speaker 1: What good did it do to learn a stranger's name,
6:59
Speaker 1: or his occupation, or his father's position? What use was
7:03
Speaker 1: it to talk with someone and know no more about
7:05
Speaker 1: him in the end than where he spent last summer
7:07
Speaker 1: or what he thought of the latest operetta? But what
7:10
Speaker 1: use was it, either, to live with only a wall
7:13
Speaker 1: dividing you from someone so that you could hear every
7:15
Speaker 1: breath he drew and still know nothing about him? Ah,
7:19
Speaker 1: of what use was it to be of one blood
7:21
Speaker 1: with someone and spend your life with him from the
7:24
Speaker 1: day you were born? Of what use was it to
7:26
Speaker 1: love someone, to love him with every fiber of your
7:29
Speaker 1: body and soul? If in the last analysis you really
7:32
Speaker 1: knew nothing about one another. Myra went to the window
7:36
Speaker 1: and leaned out. She scanned the heavens for Antares, her star.
7:40
Speaker 1: But the brick walls of the houses hid it. She
7:43
Speaker 1: leaned out a little farther, peering down into the air shaft.
7:47
Speaker 1: She felt a strange dizziness. If she were to fall
7:50
Speaker 1: down there, no one would notice it. If they found
7:53
Speaker 1: her body there in the morning, nobody would know what
7:56
Speaker 1: to do, whom to notify, whom to send for. Myra
8:00
Speaker 1: was indeed free. So free that it sent a little
8:03
Speaker 1: shiver down her spine. Not the trace of a chain left,
8:07
Speaker 1: but no bond of any kind either. No walls to
8:10
Speaker 1: circumscribe her, but also no sheltering roof. The persons to
8:15
Speaker 1: whom love or obligation had bound her were dead. Her
8:18
Speaker 1: father was dead, Olga was dead. From the others she
8:21
Speaker 1: had severed herself with one sharp slash. Dear stars, thought Myra,
8:27
Speaker 1: how good it is that you are up there. Always
8:29
Speaker 1: the same, after tens of thousands of years, the same
8:33
Speaker 1: as when Olga and I lay by the one sea.
8:35
Speaker 1: There is no such thing as chance, there can be
8:37
Speaker 1: no such thing as chance. Why do not the stars
8:41
Speaker 1: collide and plunge with a trail of sparks through the night? Eternal,
8:45
Speaker 1: immutable laws keep their huge bodies floating in space and
8:48
Speaker 1: guide them with as vast composure along their courses as
8:52
Speaker 1: if it were the easiest thing in the world to
8:54
Speaker 1: rule the stars. At some point I, too, am subject
8:57
Speaker 1: to those laws and cannot resist, nor do I want to.
9:00
Speaker 1: I am afraid when I must decide to go right
9:03
Speaker 1: or left, and yet all roads are closed to me
9:05
Speaker 1: except that single one which I shall and must take
9:08
Speaker 1: because it is mine, the one immutably predestined road which
9:12
Speaker 1: will lead me to my goal. To what goal? That
9:15
Speaker 1: I do not know. But since I am alive there
9:18
Speaker 1: is probably something in store for me somewhere, and the
9:21
Speaker 1: best course is to await it in patience. In the
9:24
Speaker 1: large dining room of the pension, Myra had her table
9:28
Speaker 1: in the darkest corner. The friendly hostess had felt obliged
9:31
Speaker 1: to apologize because all the places near the window were
9:35
Speaker 1: occupied by prior guests. Quite suited Myra. She sat with
9:39
Speaker 1: her back to the wall and the little table before
9:42
Speaker 1: her like a bastion. Usually she appeared when the first
9:45
Speaker 1: gong struck so that she could watch the others pass
9:48
Speaker 1: by and would not have to weave her way between
9:51
Speaker 1: the crowded tables. Once she was late, and the short
9:54
Speaker 1: walk across the room had been a torture to her.
9:58
Speaker 1: She felt herself racked and impeded by all the shamelessly inquisitive,
10:02
Speaker 1: and even the indifferent, glances. Although she always looked into
10:06
Speaker 1: the mirror before she left her room, she thought that
10:09
Speaker 1: her hair must be disordered if a glance rested on it,
10:12
Speaker 1: or that she had a hole in her stocking if
10:14
Speaker 1: someone stared at her legs. Then she would have to
10:17
Speaker 1: struggle sternly against the impulse to put her hand to
10:20
Speaker 1: her head or to glance at her feet. She would
10:24
Speaker 1: press her elbows against her body and endeavor to assume
10:27
Speaker 1: an impenetrable expression and to move cautiously. She was plagued
10:32
Speaker 1: by the idea that she would overturn a chair or
10:34
Speaker 1: upset a plate. She tried to walk so quickly that
10:37
Speaker 1: no one could observe how precisely she navigated. Once seated,
10:42
Speaker 1: she felt as if she had reached a haven. Generally,
10:45
Speaker 1: she took a newspaper with her in order to screen
10:48
Speaker 1: herself behind it while she was waiting. She was not
10:52
Speaker 1: afraid that someone might accost her. Talking was much less
10:55
Speaker 1: terrifying to her than walking. She was afraid of looking
10:58
Speaker 1: as if she were expecting to be accosted, so unoccupied,
11:01
Speaker 1: so solitary, so hungry for a charitable word. Actually, she
11:05
Speaker 1: was nothing of the kind. The less she had occasion
11:08
Speaker 1: to speak, the less she missed speaking. But while it
11:12
Speaker 1: caused her no unhappiness, It did require a certain resolution
11:16
Speaker 1: before she could bring herself to say something to the maid.
11:19
Speaker 1: When in the evening she went to her room and
11:22
Speaker 1: bolted the door after the last, that will be all
11:25
Speaker 1: thank you Bertha. The feeling that now she could be silent,
11:29
Speaker 1: now she was permitted to be silent, was like a
11:31
Speaker 1: deliverance to her. At times it seemed to her as
11:34
Speaker 1: if her tongue had become atrophied like any other disused muscle.
11:39
Speaker 1: and she wasted no further pity on the Trappists because
11:41
Speaker 1: she perceived quite clearly that it requires but a few
11:44
Speaker 1: weeks so to accustom oneself to silence that the utterance
11:48
Speaker 1: of a word presents tremendous difficulties. Myra's yearning for Olga
11:52
Speaker 1: almost drove her mad, but that was by no means
11:55
Speaker 1: the worst of it. The worst was that her yearning
11:58
Speaker 1: was the cry of a human soul, not for love,
12:01
Speaker 1: not for companionship or understanding, but for the warmth of
12:05
Speaker 1: a body, for the pressure of encircling arms and tender lips.
12:09
Speaker 1: At such times, Myra would tear the pillow with her
12:12
Speaker 1: nails and teeth, and shake as if in fever. At
12:15
Speaker 1: such moments, too, she felt certain that she really must
12:19
Speaker 1: be a wicked creature, the most damning evidence being that
12:22
Speaker 1: she could never succeed in feeling repentant or in making
12:25
Speaker 1: good resolutions. On the contrary, if she were very unhappy,
12:30
Speaker 1: she resolved at once to be wicked. Her desire to
12:33
Speaker 1: study and improve herself was only for the sake of
12:36
Speaker 1: acquiring more power over people, to beguile, to seduce them.
12:40
Speaker 1: Then she would enjoy whatever stirred her desire or her curiosity,
12:44
Speaker 1: were it only for an hour. She would merely skim
12:47
Speaker 1: the chalice, squeeze the juices from the fruit, and pass
12:50
Speaker 1: quickly from one sensation to another, never boring herself, never
12:55
Speaker 1: tying herself to anything, never creating from the depths. Some
12:59
Speaker 1: such resolution impelled her to mingle with people. She meant
13:03
Speaker 1: to plunge head first into the stream, because she felt
13:06
Speaker 1: within herself the power to master the current. She determined
13:10
Speaker 1: to start an acquaintance the next day, to place herself
13:14
Speaker 1: on speaking terms with someone. Like a stone cast in
13:17
Speaker 1: the waters, a word can spread wider and wider ripples.
13:21
Speaker 1: In a few weeks she might find herself the center
13:24
Speaker 1: of a circle. But next day when she reviewed all
13:27
Speaker 1: the faces, They seemed to her suddenly vacuous and boresome,
13:31
Speaker 1: or false and sinister, and she drew into herself like
13:34
Speaker 1: a frightened hedgehog, timid and hostile. She made a new resolution,
13:39
Speaker 1: not to speak, never, never to say a word, never
13:42
Speaker 1: to utter more than was absolutely essential, to erect barricades
13:46
Speaker 1: and walls of silence between herself and the world. Things
13:50
Speaker 1: might have gone along in this fashion for weeks and months,
13:53
Speaker 1: had not Gisela Workenthen arrived at the pension one day.
13:57
Speaker 1: to visit the painted young lady. She attracted Myra the
14:00
Speaker 1: instant that she entered the dining hall. Not that she
14:04
Speaker 1: was especially beautiful. She was built on the slim, slight
14:07
Speaker 1: boyish scheme. Her narrow face seemed even narrower because of
14:11
Speaker 1: her dark hair, which was cut in page fashion and
14:14
Speaker 1: concealed half of her cheeks. Her mouth was all but lipless,
14:19
Speaker 1: simply a delicate, pale red, proud, severe curved line. Her
14:23
Speaker 1: dark eyes with their strikingly wide lids lay in great
14:26
Speaker 1: deep ashen gray hollows. That night Myra did not rise
14:30
Speaker 1: from table immediately after supper as usual. She ordered a
14:34
Speaker 1: cup of tea and in order to have a pretext,
14:37
Speaker 1: pretended to be stirring the tea impatiently, to cool it
14:40
Speaker 1: while she watched the table at which sat the pale
14:42
Speaker 1: girl with the bobbed hair. She laughed with the others,
14:45
Speaker 1: drank and smoked innumerable cigarettes. but she had a trick
14:49
Speaker 1: of withdrawing completely into herself in the midst of the
14:52
Speaker 1: noisy conversation. Her slender hand with its lit cigarette would
14:56
Speaker 1: remain as if petrified in the air, while her eyes
15:00
Speaker 1: bored through the fog of tobacco smoke and steam as
15:02
Speaker 1: if they were beholding something indescribably horrible. The next day
15:07
Speaker 1: Myra visited Mrs. Meidinger, the hostess. There was a small
15:11
Speaker 1: matter she had to discuss with her which ordinarily she
15:14
Speaker 1: would have conveyed by the maid. But during the night,
15:17
Speaker 1: she determined irrevocably to make her leap into life. It
15:21
Speaker 1: was for this reason that she constrained herself for the
15:24
Speaker 1: first time to pay a personal call. The hostess, blonde, rotund,
15:29
Speaker 1: coiffured and as amiable as ever, received her in her
15:32
Speaker 1: comfortable living room, enthroned behind a well-covered tea table. She
15:37
Speaker 1: seemed quite enchanted to see Myra. She teased so long
15:41
Speaker 1: that at last Myra accepted a cup of tea, while
15:44
Speaker 1: she began to ply the girl with questions in which
15:46
Speaker 1: curiosity and friendliness were equally commingled, and which Myra answered
15:51
Speaker 1: because she saw no reason not to answer them. But
15:54
Speaker 1: she smiled slightly and thought, If I really wanted to
15:57
Speaker 1: hide something from you, my dear, I would do it
16:00
Speaker 1: so well that you would never even suspect it. She
16:03
Speaker 1: readily admitted that she was an orphan. Yes, she believed
16:07
Speaker 1: that the mourning she was now wearing for her father
16:09
Speaker 1: did explain her pale and sorrowful expression. Thus the good-natured
16:14
Speaker 1: and inquisitive woman would never think of any secret grief
16:17
Speaker 1: or probe its causes. Myra's story was soon told. She
16:21
Speaker 1: was an orphan, had neither brothers nor sisters nor grandparents,
16:26
Speaker 1: and had visited this strange city in order to dispel
16:29
Speaker 1: her sad memories in a new environment. The hostess was
16:32
Speaker 1: satisfied with that explanation or appeared to be. She confessed
16:36
Speaker 1: to Myra what surprised her very much, that all the
16:40
Speaker 1: guests had inquired concerning her, and that each had assumed
16:43
Speaker 1: some romantic history behind the silent young lady in mourning.
16:47
Speaker 1: Miss Luigi, no doubt Myra knew who Miss Luigi was,
16:51
Speaker 1: worked at a cabaret and had enjoyed a great success,
16:54
Speaker 1: a really extraordinary success. Yes, the little lady with the
16:58
Speaker 1: beautiful red hair died, quite obviously, as perhaps Myra had
17:02
Speaker 1: already remarked. Anyway, Miss Luigi was always teasing her to
17:06
Speaker 1: introduce her to Myra. But when Mrs. Meidinger had told
17:10
Speaker 1: Miss Peters, the latter had said, Miss Peters was always
17:13
Speaker 1: very outspoken, and sometimes even a little broad, she had said.
17:18
Speaker 1: What you mean to introduce that delicate, tender, unborn babe
17:21
Speaker 1: to those? Well, she would rather not repeat what Miss
17:25
Speaker 1: Peters had said. Miss Peters was sometimes a little broad,
17:30
Speaker 1: but little Miss Luigi was by no means as bad
17:32
Speaker 1: as that. Of course she was no angel from heaven,
17:36
Speaker 1: but whose business was that? She, Mrs. Meidinger, was not
17:40
Speaker 1: her sister's keeper. And the most important thing was that
17:43
Speaker 1: her house remained honest. That was her business and nobody
17:47
Speaker 1: could say anything against it. If a young woman has
17:50
Speaker 1: to earn her bread these days like a man, she
17:52
Speaker 1: wants to take her fun like a man too. Of
17:55
Speaker 1: course she liked respectable people, that went without saying. But, ah,
17:59
Speaker 1: who was respectable in these days? Some did one thing,
18:03
Speaker 1: some another. Had Myra noticed Gisela yesterday? Myra assumed a
18:08
Speaker 1: forgetful expression, but felt as if she had blushed. One
18:12
Speaker 1: of the girls who visited Miss Luigi? Yes, the dark one. Oh,
18:17
Speaker 1: you must have noticed her, Miss Rudloff. She looks so unhappy,
18:21
Speaker 1: so dreadfully unhappy. Didn't it strike you? Of course you
18:25
Speaker 1: wouldn't notice such a thing. But it's easy for anybody
18:28
Speaker 1: who knows to see that she's a dope fiend. It
18:31
Speaker 1: certainly is no indiscretion on my part to tell you
18:34
Speaker 1: what the whole town is talking about. And such a
18:37
Speaker 1: talented person. It's a terrible pity. but she's going to pieces,
18:42
Speaker 1: literally going to pieces, over another woman. An artistic pause. Mrs.
18:48
Speaker 1: Meidinger looked at Myra expectantly. Myra felt that the glance
18:52
Speaker 1: demanded some comment from her. How dreadful, she said in
18:57
Speaker 1: the tone of a child to whom someone has just
18:59
Speaker 1: told something incredibly horrible. Yes, my dear little girl, said
19:04
Speaker 1: the hostess with an almost commiserating condescension. In your big
19:08
Speaker 1: innocent eyes it is easy to read the question. Are
19:11
Speaker 1: such things possible? My child, have you any idea of
19:15
Speaker 1: all that goes on? We live in an appalling age, really?
19:19
Speaker 1: But what can one do about it? We can no
19:21
Speaker 1: more escape our times than we can jump out of
19:24
Speaker 1: our own skins. If I had had my way, I'd
19:27
Speaker 1: have lived among respectable people where things are decent, or
19:31
Speaker 1: have sat at the feet of Gerda. But where is
19:34
Speaker 1: one to find a Gerda today? Myra frankly regretted her
19:38
Speaker 1: inability to assist Mrs. Meidinger to this longed-for situation. She
19:42
Speaker 1: pictured it very amusingly to herself, and took her leave
19:46
Speaker 1: as soon as possible. Even while she was traversing the
19:49
Speaker 1: long feebly lighted corridor that led to her room, her
19:53
Speaker 1: thoughts returned to poor Gisela and did not leave her again.
19:56
Speaker 1: Poor Gisela going to pieces over a woman. Ah, how
20:00
Speaker 1: well Myra understood that. Just as Gisela would understand Myra.
20:05
Speaker 1: would understand all that Myra had been through, her struggles,
20:08
Speaker 1: her sorrow, her love. Myra felt as if she must
20:12
Speaker 1: seek out this strange girl with the burning, tormented eyes,
20:15
Speaker 1: must follow her, must seize her hand and say, We
20:19
Speaker 1: understand each other, we belong to each other, because we
20:22
Speaker 1: are the most unfortunate souls in the world. We must
20:25
Speaker 1: become friends because no one except ourselves can ever understand
20:29
Speaker 1: what we have suffered. The next evening the conversation between
20:33
Speaker 1: the tables concerned some story in the newspapers. Some had
20:37
Speaker 1: read it, others not, and since Myra had a paper
20:41
Speaker 1: in her hand she offered it to her neighbor. Little
20:43
Speaker 1: Miss Luigi also asked if she might glance over it,
20:47
Speaker 1: a request which Myra granted with great cordiality, and in
20:51
Speaker 1: five minutes a general conversation was in swing. Next day
20:55
Speaker 1: it seemed perfectly natural to Miss Luigi to say a
20:58
Speaker 1: few friendly words to Myra. In the evening when she
21:01
Speaker 1: was inviting her usual crowd to sample a glass of
21:04
Speaker 1: brandy in her room, she walked over to Myra's table
21:07
Speaker 1: and asked her to come up too, for a quarter
21:09
Speaker 1: of an hour, nothing formal, just sociable. Myra gave herself
21:14
Speaker 1: a mental push and rose to go. She had to
21:17
Speaker 1: pass the table at which were sitting Louisa Peters and
21:20
Speaker 1: her companions. Myra held her head high as she walked by,
21:24
Speaker 1: but she thought she could feel their surprised and scornful
21:27
Speaker 1: looks along her spine. Defiance welled up within her, and
21:31
Speaker 1: she linked her arm in little Mara Luigi's. I belong
21:35
Speaker 1: with these, it was meant to say to the others,
21:38
Speaker 1: with these whom you despise but who sympathize with me.
21:41
Speaker 1: I don't belong with you hardened saints. You never gave
21:45
Speaker 1: a thought to me before. Now it serves you right
21:48
Speaker 1: if I am lost. As she became conscious of this feeling,
21:52
Speaker 1: it struck her as the height of absurdity. What had
21:55
Speaker 1: these utter strangers to do with her? In what way
21:58
Speaker 1: were they responsible for her? Then she felt darkly. That
22:03
Speaker 1: crowd who are staring after me, scornfully and pityingly, are
22:06
Speaker 1: my kind. We have ties in common, I belong to them.
22:10
Speaker 1: But I am cutting those ties and going with these others,
22:13
Speaker 1: with these strangers with whom I also have something in common.
22:17
Speaker 1: But it is a common destiny, not merely a common existence.
22:21
Speaker 1: For they understand not merely suffering but passionate grief and
22:25
Speaker 1: passionate love. They are not merely ardent, but jealous, not
22:28
Speaker 1: merely active, but impetuous. No, I do not belong to you.
22:33
Speaker 1: I hate you, I despise you. You and your kind.
22:36
Speaker 1: El Dorado has killed you for me. I no longer
22:39
Speaker 1: belong to you. But since I must belong somewhere, I
22:43
Speaker 1: shall try to belong with these others. She entered Mara
22:47
Speaker 1: Luigi's room as tensely and determinately as if she were
22:50
Speaker 1: entering a new life. Mara Luigi had to snatch something
22:54
Speaker 1: from nearly all the chairs before she could offer her
22:57
Speaker 1: visitors a seat. She tossed an armful of all kinds
23:00
Speaker 1: of articles on the bed and said, There you are,
23:03
Speaker 1: my children, be seated. Miss Lorenz, a slender, well-dressed, blondened
23:08
Speaker 1: girl with a pretty, expressionless doll's face threw herself among
23:12
Speaker 1: the cushions on the divan and took a big teddy
23:15
Speaker 1: bear affectionately in her arms. A chap named Kramer, a slight,
23:19
Speaker 1: fair-haired young fellow, with the face of a child who
23:22
Speaker 1: has known too much too soon, struggled for a place
23:25
Speaker 1: on the divan. But pretty Miss Lorenz opposed him so
23:29
Speaker 1: vigorously that her slim kicking legs and their thin silk
23:32
Speaker 1: stockings were visible above her knees. A grave and sickly
23:35
Speaker 1: looking man who was not, strictly speaking, a member of
23:39
Speaker 1: this circle, since Myra had often observed him in friendly
23:42
Speaker 1: conversation with the other party, silently moved up a chair
23:46
Speaker 1: for Myra. She was standing irresolutely in the middle of
23:50
Speaker 1: the room. Myra smiled her thanks to him, somewhat confused,
23:54
Speaker 1: and sat down. Meanwhile young Kramer had encountered so powerful
23:58
Speaker 1: a blow that he scrambled down from the divan with
24:01
Speaker 1: a howl of pain and sat on the carpet where
24:03
Speaker 1: he remained, refusing to be elevated by force or entreaty. Mrs. Breslar,
24:08
Speaker 1: a buxom lady with strikingly painted eyebrows, had discovered a
24:12
Speaker 1: corset of white tricot under a heap of other things
24:15
Speaker 1: on the bed. and she must absolutely know whether it
24:18
Speaker 1: was made in mass production or whether the famous Fisher
24:21
Speaker 1: had created it and how much it had cost. Giesbert,
24:25
Speaker 1: a young painter, a slender, good-looking fellow, wrenched the corset
24:29
Speaker 1: from the lady's hands and danced through the room with it.
24:32
Speaker 1: Mara Luigi rushed after him. She had caught up her
24:35
Speaker 1: short little skirt in her left hand. Her right was
24:39
Speaker 1: clutching after the artist. When Giesbert held the corset on high,
24:43
Speaker 1: she jumped on a chair to reach it. When he
24:46
Speaker 1: hopped back and forth on the far side of the table,
24:49
Speaker 1: prepared to change his direction any moment, she did the
24:52
Speaker 1: same on the other side. Her comb clattered to the floor.
24:56
Speaker 1: Curls and strands of hair danced around her face. Myra
25:00
Speaker 1: grasped the arms of her chair tightly and shut her
25:03
Speaker 1: eyes for a moment because she felt herself becoming dizzy.
25:07
Speaker 1: So this is life, she thought. I must accustom myself
25:11
Speaker 1: to it. The ugly, sickly-looking man, who had been standing
25:15
Speaker 1: behind her chair, said in an uncommonly gentle and pleasant voice,
25:19
Speaker 1: You are a stranger here, are you not? Yes, said
25:23
Speaker 1: Myra with a helpless sort of smile. Rather, she scolded
25:27
Speaker 1: herself for being petty and narrow-minded, but she could not
25:30
Speaker 1: help feeling that it was easier to get along in
25:33
Speaker 1: one of those stiff and conventional gatherings where the hostess
25:36
Speaker 1: felt obliged to look after a strange guest. she did
25:39
Speaker 1: not wish to be noticed, did not wish to play
25:42
Speaker 1: a part. She would gladly have attended this promiscuous gathering
25:46
Speaker 1: of the clans as a non-participating spectator, but a quite
25:50
Speaker 1: invisible one. For quite mistakenly, she felt that everybody was
25:54
Speaker 1: staring at her and thinking rather uncomfortably that this serious,
25:58
Speaker 1: embarrassed and silent young lady did not belong. She was
26:02
Speaker 1: very grateful therefore, when the strange and not very congenial
26:05
Speaker 1: looking man spoke to her, grateful that she could turn
26:08
Speaker 1: to him occasionally, if only so that the others might
26:11
Speaker 1: not think that she was waiting stiffly for somebody to
26:14
Speaker 1: befriend her. The ugly man bent forward slightly.' My name
26:18
Speaker 1: is Icarus,' he said.' We' ve been invited here very kindly,
26:23
Speaker 1: but unfortunately they've neglected to introduce us to one another.'
26:27
Speaker 1: He smiled and his smile was so kind, so indulgent
26:31
Speaker 1: that it captivated Myra at once. You shouldn't say that,
26:35
Speaker 1: she said, prepared to be indulgent on her side, too.
26:39
Speaker 1: We can get along somehow this way. She mentioned her
26:42
Speaker 1: own name. May I? He drew up a chair beside her.
26:47
Speaker 1: Of course we can get along, my dear Miss Rudloff.
26:51
Speaker 1: We are hidebound by too many outworn conventions. I envy
26:55
Speaker 1: these children their ease. They skip and frisk about, speak
26:59
Speaker 1: familiarly to one another, sharing all their secrets. and never
27:03
Speaker 1: dreaming how difficult it is for one of us to
27:05
Speaker 1: bridge the gap from individual to individual. By the word
27:09
Speaker 1: us Myra felt she had been recognized. No matter what
27:13
Speaker 1: pain she took, they realized that she was a stranger
27:16
Speaker 1: to this circle. She was not quite sure whether it
27:19
Speaker 1: was for better or for worse. The pretty Giesbert was
27:22
Speaker 1: dancing before the large mirror. He had put on the
27:26
Speaker 1: corset over his gray jacket and was trying to pull
27:29
Speaker 1: it shut. My best corset! screamed Mara Luigi in a rage.
27:34
Speaker 1: You're going to ruin it. You're a beast. Take it off,
27:38
Speaker 1: I say, take it off. You don't need it, said
27:41
Speaker 1: Giesbert laughing. Don't try to act as if you'd ever
27:44
Speaker 1: worn one. He pinched her sides which caused her to
27:48
Speaker 1: squeak loudly. Myra would not have admitted even to herself
27:52
Speaker 1: that she felt offended by his tone. How splendidly young
27:56
Speaker 1: these people are, she said smiling at Icarus. I feel
28:00
Speaker 1: quite old and sour besides such children. Children, repeated Icarus
28:06
Speaker 1: with a strangely reserved expression as if his eyes were
28:09
Speaker 1: turned inward. Yes, perhaps children. Then he glanced at Myra
28:13
Speaker 1: again with his frank expression and his kindly smile. You
28:17
Speaker 1: must have had a very happy childhood. Yes, said Myra
28:22
Speaker 1: with complete conviction. Myra recalled that she had learned to
28:25
Speaker 1: know struggle, unhappiness and suffering very young. that she had
28:29
Speaker 1: felt real hatred for Aunt Emily who had managed her
28:32
Speaker 1: upbringing with so much righteousness and so little understanding, that
28:36
Speaker 1: she was aware at an early age what it means
28:38
Speaker 1: to be jealous. And it seemed to her as if
28:41
Speaker 1: that period, a period when she was not yet quite
28:44
Speaker 1: ten years of age, no longer belonged to her childhood.
28:48
Speaker 1: Childhood had been those few years when a stream of
28:50
Speaker 1: happy love had bubbled up from her heart and had
28:53
Speaker 1: flowed forth without distinction toward whatever trees, animals, persons or
28:58
Speaker 1: dolls happened within range of her feelings. At the moment
29:01
Speaker 1: when this stream of love had had to force its
29:04
Speaker 1: way over obstacles, when it was dried up in places
29:07
Speaker 1: which it had formerly enriched, leaving nothing but arid indifference
29:11
Speaker 1: or a swamp of hate, at that moment the idea
29:13
Speaker 1: of childhood seemed ended for Myra. Yes, she said, again
29:18
Speaker 1: fastening her gaze on Icarus, a very happy childhood, but
29:22
Speaker 1: not a very long one. I have a feeling that
29:25
Speaker 1: I was awakened before most children. Not that I was mature,
29:28
Speaker 1: I don't want you to misunderstand me. I am not
29:31
Speaker 1: mature even today. Who is? asked Icarus with his gentle smile.
29:37
Speaker 1: But I believe that I was awakened early than other
29:40
Speaker 1: children from the bliss of unconsciousness. That is too bad.
29:45
Speaker 1: Over his grave and clear gray eyes a veil, as
29:48
Speaker 1: of profound grief, seemed to be drawn. It is a
29:51
Speaker 1: great pity, a great, great pity. Involuntarily Myra looked surprised,
29:57
Speaker 1: but he made an effort to explain his sympathy. You
30:00
Speaker 1: know whenever I see happy children, I always want to
30:03
Speaker 1: build walls and ramparts around them, so that they will
30:06
Speaker 1: remain as they are, will remain so for a long,
30:09
Speaker 1: long time. It is dreadful to think that one poisonous
30:12
Speaker 1: breath can change all the happiness of these little creatures
30:15
Speaker 1: into horrible pain. Let him keep them, cried little Kramer
30:20
Speaker 1: from his place on the floor. Let him keep them
30:22
Speaker 1: if he can't bear to part with the corsets. Every
30:25
Speaker 1: man has his passion. and there must be people who
30:29
Speaker 1: find corsets quite diverting. You swine, said Miss Lorenz and
30:33
Speaker 1: kicked his shoulder. Giesbert had picked up a tulle hat
30:37
Speaker 1: with egret feathers and clapped it on his head. With
30:40
Speaker 1: one hand he held the corsets together across his stomach,
30:44
Speaker 1: with the other he clutched anxiously at the hat with
30:46
Speaker 1: every step, to keep it balanced. I'm going to wear
30:50
Speaker 1: this to the artist's ball, he announced in a tone
30:53
Speaker 1: of triumph. I'll be a sensation. Suddenly he passed into falsetto.
30:58
Speaker 1: Oh no! I'll be the fairest maid of all. Sugar
31:02
Speaker 1: Daddy will give me an education. If only I knew
31:05
Speaker 1: what for. I have so frightfully many talents. Yes, yes,
31:10
Speaker 1: cried Little Miss Luigi meanwhile and skipped into the air.
31:14
Speaker 1: The artist's ball at Sophus. Stand still a minute, you
31:18
Speaker 1: loathsome little darling. Tell me seriously, what are you going
31:21
Speaker 1: to wear? A costume or what? Come, put those things down, Giesbert,
31:27
Speaker 1: else you certainly won't get a single glass of brandy.
31:30
Speaker 1: She stamped on the floor for emphasis. Giesbert pretended a
31:34
Speaker 1: terrified trembling and quaking while his knees shook as he
31:37
Speaker 1: put the articles on the bed. Mara laughed and brought
31:41
Speaker 1: the bottle of brandy from the closet. I have only
31:44
Speaker 1: two glasses. Ring, will you, Eric? She commanded. Oh, what's
31:49
Speaker 1: the use? said Miss Lorenz indifferently without rising. We'll drink
31:54
Speaker 1: one after the other. If Emma brings glasses in here,
31:58
Speaker 1: she'll report that we're holding an orgy. All right. Mara
32:02
Speaker 1: Luigi rinsed the glasses in the wash basin. She reached
32:06
Speaker 1: for a hand towel and Myra was somewhat shocked, thinking
32:09
Speaker 1: she was about to dry the glasses with it, but
32:12
Speaker 1: she merely wiped her fingertips. She filled the glasses to
32:15
Speaker 1: the brim and offered the first to Myra. Do you
32:19
Speaker 1: know what, Miss Rudloff? She asked as she stood before her.
32:23
Speaker 1: You must come with us tomorrow night, you really must. I,
32:27
Speaker 1: asked Myra frightened. Where? To the artist's ball, of course.
32:32
Speaker 1: Probably you've never been to a really truly artist's ball
32:35
Speaker 1: in all your life. But you must see one. Myra
32:39
Speaker 1: did not feel the slightest inclination to accept. She even
32:43
Speaker 1: regretted having accepted the first invitation. Instead of remaining in
32:47
Speaker 1: her room where she could shut out every disturbing sound,
32:50
Speaker 1: and take refuge from her own thoughts in quiet and
32:53
Speaker 1: clever books. But I don't know the persons who are
32:56
Speaker 1: giving it at all, she said helplessly. Isn't it strange,
33:01
Speaker 1: she thought. At home I should certainly have said, the people,
33:05
Speaker 1: and have been sharply reprimanded by Aunt Emily. And here
33:09
Speaker 1: where persons will be sure to strike everybody as affected,
33:13
Speaker 1: Aunt Emily's good teachings burst forth for the first time
33:16
Speaker 1: in full flower. Don't know whom? Sophus and Nora? asked Giesbert.
33:21
Speaker 1: Checking his crazy behavior for a moment and speaking like
33:24
Speaker 1: a rational human being while, still out of breath, he
33:28
Speaker 1: smoothed his hair. You don't know them? Then you certainly
33:32
Speaker 1: will have to go there tomorrow for it's high time
33:34
Speaker 1: that you did know them. A pair of splendid women.
33:38
Speaker 1: Two of the most remarkable people I know. Would anybody
33:41
Speaker 1: like to take exception to that? If so, I challenge
33:45
Speaker 1: him to put on the gloves immediately. He rolled up
33:48
Speaker 1: his sleeves, drew his head between his shoulders, and bared
33:51
Speaker 1: his teeth. You need have no qualms about going, said
33:55
Speaker 1: Buxa Mrs. Bresslor in her somewhat unctuous voice. I was
33:59
Speaker 1: lugged up there the first time positively sans fakin', and
34:03
Speaker 1: was received charmingly, isn't it true, Marakin, they were really
34:06
Speaker 1: perfectly charming? Yes, laughed little Kramer. I really believe they
34:11
Speaker 1: never meet anybody except as their guest. Is Gisella coming
34:15
Speaker 1: for us or shall we see her there? asked Miss Lorenz. Gisela,
34:20
Speaker 1: thought Myra. So she's going to be there, too. I'll
34:24
Speaker 1: really have to do it. The only alternatives I have
34:27
Speaker 1: are to bury myself like a hermit, or to take
34:30
Speaker 1: advantage of every opportunity to meet people and learn to
34:34
Speaker 1: know the world and human beings. Gisela! Here I sit
34:38
Speaker 1: trying in some way to meet her, and when I'm
34:40
Speaker 1: asked to make her acquaintance in the easiest way in
34:43
Speaker 1: the world, I haven't the slightest desire. but only fear
34:47
Speaker 1: and shyness and aversion and a feeling that I'd like
34:49
Speaker 1: to creep away somewhere and be quiet. Icarus must have
34:53
Speaker 1: read the inner struggle on her face. He bent forward slightly.
34:57
Speaker 1: I think you can venture it, he said in his
35:00
Speaker 1: very soothing way. You will find a rare bouquet of
35:03
Speaker 1: people there. They will certainly distract and may even interest you.
35:08
Speaker 1: There are some really worthwhile characters among them. And if
35:11
Speaker 1: it becomes too lively for you, I shall undertake to
35:15
Speaker 1: bring you home at any time you wish. So you
35:18
Speaker 1: will be there too? asked Myra relieved. He nodded. Yes,
35:23
Speaker 1: then I believe I can venture it.