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S1 Ep15: The Funniest Travel Tales 🤣 · Funny Comedy | Laugh Out Loud

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_01: In Finland, I was invited to take a sauna.
• 0:03
  SPEAKER_01: I was also invited to go cross-country skiing, and all I could think is, is fun illegal here?
• 0:12
  SPEAKER_01: What kind of antidepressant do you have to be on to enjoy cross-country skiing?
• 0:18
  SPEAKER_01: I can't believe cross-country skiing's even a sport.
• 0:22
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, you know how that awkward part in downhill skiing where you're trying to get over to the left?
• 0:29
  SPEAKER_01: What if we just did that?
• 0:37
  SPEAKER_01: This is vibe.
• 0:40
  SPEAKER_01: And then to turn around, you know what?
• 0:42
  SPEAKER_01: Don't turn around.
• 0:44
  SPEAKER_01: Let's go across the country.
• 0:50
  SPEAKER_01: People who enjoy winter seem mentally unstable.
• 0:55
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 0:56
  SPEAKER_01: Some of those winter activities should get you committed.
• 0:59
  SPEAKER_01: It's like, look, we love you, we're just worried.
• 1:01
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, yesterday we caught you walking through the woods with tennis rackets tied to your feet.
• 1:09
  SPEAKER_01: This morning we saw you sweeping the frozen lake.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_01: What's next?
• 1:15
  SPEAKER_01: You sitting in a sled being pulled by dogs?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_01: Get some help.
• 1:23
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, I did one of those genetic tests.
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_01: I was surprised to find out I'm all Asian.
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_01: You do learn things from those genetic tests.
• 1:32
  SPEAKER_01: Like, I discovered I wasted a hundred bucks.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_01: They send you information.
• 1:39
  SPEAKER_01: Mine just said, dude, you're white.
• 1:42
  SPEAKER_01: In fact, you're very white.
• 1:44
  SPEAKER_01: I hope you feel guilty.
• 1:47
  SPEAKER_01: They didn't even break out my nationality.
• 1:49
  SPEAKER_01: They just highlighted all the British Isles.
• 1:51
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, you're trash from here.
• 1:54
  SPEAKER_01: Wherever people need sunscreen.
• 1:57
  SPEAKER_01: But what do we expect to learn from these genetic tests?
• 2:00
  SPEAKER_01: Like, oh my gosh, I'm related to my ancestors.
• 2:06
  SPEAKER_01: We're only gonna find out bad news.
• 2:09
  SPEAKER_01: You see it in the commercials.
• 2:11
  SPEAKER_01: I thought I was Italian, but it ends up my great-grandma was a h.
• 2:18
  SPEAKER_01: So I guess I'm Eastern European.
• 2:22
  SPEAKER_01: Sometimes people think I'm saying Eastern Europeans are I am.
• 2:28
  SPEAKER_01: My point is only good family news is passed along.
• 2:33
  SPEAKER_01: Like if your great-grandfather was Abraham Lincoln, you'd already know that.
• 2:38
  SPEAKER_01: But if your great-grandfather was the town drunk, your grandpa's likely to go, uh, I don't remember.
• 2:46
  SPEAKER_01: I think he worked in a bar.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_01: Chief gutter inspector.
• 2:52
  SPEAKER_01: I do know I have some Irish ancestry, but apparently the Irish didn't keep great records, because, well, draw your own conclusion.
• 3:01
  SPEAKER_01: Some tells me they weren't busy sunbathing.
• 3:05
  SPEAKER_01: I'm Irish, but I have blonde hair.
• 3:08
  SPEAKER_01: Supposedly the only reason the Irish have blonde or red hair is because the Vikings invaded, pillaged, and probably other stuff.
• 3:17
  SPEAKER_01: Those Vikings, the Scandinavians.
• 3:19
  SPEAKER_01: I don't know if you've been to Sweden, it's like a whole country of Scarlet Johansons.
• 3:23
  SPEAKER_01: If I was in Ireland at that time, I would have been, oh no, some Viking lady's coming to pillage me.
• 3:28
  SPEAKER_01: I guess I'll hide on this bed covered in rose petals.
• 3:35
  SPEAKER_01: Hopefully she can help me put together that table.
• 3:48
  SPEAKER_01: They say last names can tell you something.
• 3:51
  SPEAKER_01: Like if your last name is Cooper, that means you probably had an ancestor who made barrels.
• 3:55
  SPEAKER_01: If your last name is Cantor, that means somebody along the line was a singer.
• 4:00
  SPEAKER_01: My last name is Gaffigan, which is Gaelic for highly anxious.
• 4:07
  SPEAKER_01: And when I learned that, all I could feel was highly anxious.
• 4:12
  SPEAKER_01: How anxious do you have to be?
• 4:15
  SPEAKER_01: For people like, oh, you should go with that as your name.
• 4:20
  SPEAKER_01: Why is that?
• 4:21
  SPEAKER_01: That's what we call you anyway.
• 4:24
  SPEAKER_01: It does seem like some last names were chosen to impress, right?
• 4:28
  SPEAKER_01: You know, someone's like, you know what?
• 4:29
  SPEAKER_01: I want the ladies to know I'm successful, so I'm gonna go with a last name Goldman.
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_01: Goldman, what are you going with?
• 4:36
  SPEAKER_01: Wiener.
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_01: I want the ladies to know I like hot dogs.
• 4:42
  SPEAKER_01: But who knows?
• 4:43
  SPEAKER_01: Maybe last names mean nothing.
• 4:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know, where I'm from in Indiana, there is a guy who owns an RV dealership, and his name is Tom Raper.
• 4:53
  SPEAKER_01: That's his name.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_01: And there are billboards.
• 4:55
  SPEAKER_01: Come see Tom Raper.
• 4:58
  SPEAKER_01: And people go.
• 5:01
  SPEAKER_01: Well, we should check it out.
• 5:03
  SPEAKER_01: Now, I don't know why we would let someone named Raper sell RVs.
• 5:09
  SPEAKER_01: They are essentially mobile crime scenes.
• 5:14
  SPEAKER_01: If my last name were raper, I wouldn't leave the house.
• 5:17
  SPEAKER_01: How do you even go out to dinner?
• 5:19
  SPEAKER_01: Party of two raper.
• 5:22
  SPEAKER_01: Is there a raper here?
• 5:25
  SPEAKER_01: Are there family reunions?
• 5:27
  SPEAKER_01: Are you a raper?
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_01: I'm a raper.
• 5:30
  SPEAKER_01: Is this your son?
• 5:31
  SPEAKER_01: He looks just like a raper.
• 5:35
  SPEAKER_01: Fun getting all the rapers together.
• 5:39
  SPEAKER_01: In Milwaukee, I stayed in a hotel named The Pfister.
• 5:44
  SPEAKER_01: That was the name, The Pfister.
• 5:46
  SPEAKER_01: And obviously they were sensitive to it sounding weird, so they added a P at the front, so it was the Puffister.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_01: Hey, it worked for Michelle Puff Pfeiffer.
• 5:56
  SPEAKER_01: And that hotel was started by a man named Guido Pister.
• 6:01
  SPEAKER_01: I thought, my name's Guido Pister.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_01: Why don't I go into hospitality?
• 6:06
  SPEAKER_01: Guido Pfister?
• 6:07
  SPEAKER_01: His name sounds like an ethnic slur.
• 6:10
  SPEAKER_01: Get out of here, you Guido Fister! Go fish somewhere else.
• 6:17
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ignored at my Y.
• 6:19
  SPEAKER_01: I'm ignored at all health clubs.
• 6:20
  SPEAKER_01: Like when I walk into a fitness area, even in a hotel, people always look at me like, I didn't know they serve food here.
• 6:28
  SPEAKER_01: The only people that approach me are personal trainers.
• 6:31
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, You looking for a personal trainer?
• 6:33
  SPEAKER_01: Uh no.
• 6:34
  SPEAKER_01: You should be.
• 6:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I've gotten to the point if I'm approached by a personal trainer, I just act like they're hitting on me.
• 6:40
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, hey, how are you doing?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_01: I'm married.
• 6:46
  SPEAKER_01: I don't think you understand.
• 6:47
  SPEAKER_01: I understand perfectly.
• 6:50
  SPEAKER_01: You want to get with me, but I'm taken, so you can look, but no touchy.
• 6:58
  SPEAKER_01: I got to do some international shows this year.
• 7:01
  SPEAKER_01: I performed in Japan for the first time, which was amazing.
• 7:05
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, I wasn't in Japan just for stand-up.
• 7:08
  SPEAKER_01: I was also modeling.
• 7:11
  SPEAKER_01: Wish that wasn't that funny.
• 7:14
  SPEAKER_01: But Japan, the Japanese are just, they're they're better at being human.
• 7:18
  SPEAKER_01: Can we admit that?
• 7:20
  SPEAKER_01: They're, you know, they're more polite, they're better at design.
• 7:23
  SPEAKER_01: The Japanese toilet, are you familiar with the Japanese toilet?
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_01: The Japanese took the most disgusting experience of human existence and fixed it.
• 7:33
  SPEAKER_01: The Japanese toilet washes you, dries you, does your taxes.
• 7:40
  SPEAKER_01: And that is in a Tokyo airport bathroom.
• 7:44
  SPEAKER_01: You leave a Japanese public restroom cleaner than when you walked in.
• 7:49
  SPEAKER_01: You leave an American public restroom with PTSD.
• 7:54
  SPEAKER_01: Your only thought is, how can I forget that experience?
• 7:59
  SPEAKER_01: Is there alcohol nearby?
• 8:02
  SPEAKER_01: The entire time I was in Japan, I felt overweight, probably because I am overweight.
• 8:07
  SPEAKER_01: But generally the Japanese are thin.
• 8:09
  SPEAKER_01: I mean, there are people that are overweight in Japan, but not like in America.
• 8:13
  SPEAKER_01: We're better at not being thin.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_01: Because if you get really fat in Japan, they make you sumo wrestle.
• 8:21
  SPEAKER_01: They make their fat people fight each other to entertain the thin people.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_01: And the fat people in Japan go along with it.
• 8:33
  SPEAKER_01: Why am I doing this?
• 8:34
  SPEAKER_01: It's prestigious.
• 8:35
  SPEAKER_01: Now you try and push that other fat ass out of the circle.
• 8:39
  SPEAKER_01: We try not to giggle.
• 8:42
  SPEAKER_01: But first, throw in this giant diaper and put your hair in the butt.
• 8:46
  SPEAKER_01: It's very dignified.
• 8:51
  SPEAKER_01: Japanese are quiet and polite.
• 8:53
  SPEAKER_01: They're like the opposite of my children.
• 8:56
  SPEAKER_01: I had my kids with me and they were always making loud noises.
• 8:59
  SPEAKER_01: Occasionally I would catch a Japanese person looking at my poorly behaved kids, and then they would look at me, and I'd always say the same thing.
• 9:06
  SPEAKER_01: We're Canadian.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, we're not Canadian, but that is what some Americans do when they travel internationally.
• 9:15
  SPEAKER_01: They tell people they're Canadian, which I think is cowardly.
• 9:18
  SPEAKER_01: That's why I always tell people I'm North Korean.
• 9:22
  SPEAKER_01: Then I get the respect I deserve.
• 9:26
  SPEAKER_01: How much attention does the country of North Korea need at this point?
• 9:31
  SPEAKER_00: Every two days, North Korea is like, we're gonna blow up the worr!
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_01: Isn't there a part of you that's like, then just do it?
• 9:40
  SPEAKER_01: Like the UK is not that different from the US.
• 9:43
  SPEAKER_01: You know, if anything, you go over there and it seems like British people are trying to be different from Americans.
• 9:48
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, oh, you drive on the right side of the road, then then we're gonna drive on the left side of the road.
• 9:54
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you call your mother mom, then we're gonna call ours mom.
• 10:00
  SPEAKER_01: Oh, you call that a cookie, then we're not going to the dentist.
• 10:08
  SPEAKER_00: I know that's true.
• 10:14
  SPEAKER_01: I did notice something when I was over there.
• 10:16
  SPEAKER_01: You know, British people, they don't say the before hospital.
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: You ever notice that?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, hospital?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_01: I was feeling knockered, so I went to hospital.
• 10:24
  SPEAKER_01: Whenever they would do that, I'd say, Stop that, that's wrong and weird.
• 10:28
  SPEAKER_01: Are you trying to sound like a polite caveman?
• 10:31
  SPEAKER_01: And I had a friend from London, he was like, What makes you think you're doing it properly?
• 10:35
  SPEAKER_01: And I go, because I'm American and we invented the English language.
• 10:42
  SPEAKER_01: It was a pet peeve of mine, so I did some research.
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_01: You know why British people don't say the before hospital?
• 10:48
  SPEAKER_01: Because they're dicks.
• 10:51
  unknown: Yeah.
• 10:53
  SPEAKER_01: I know that sounds harsh, but admit it, British people always talk to Americans like we just walked into their jewelry store with two full bags of garbage.
• 11:04
  SPEAKER_01: May I help you?
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_01: Are you lost?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, I love the Brits, and I would never do those jokes.
• 11:19
  SPEAKER_01: Dare.
• 11:23
  SPEAKER_01: I have been lucky enough to perform in the UK a couple times, and one time I was walking through Piccadilly Circus, which for the record is a horrible circus.
• 11:33
  SPEAKER_01: There's no animals.
• 11:34
  SPEAKER_01: And no, I was walking through Piccadilly Circus and I saw they had an MM store.
• 11:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I looked at that MM store, and it just made me think of all the things the British have given the Americans.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_01: Like our language, Shakespeare, the Magna Carta, and I looked at the MM store and I thought, now we're even.
• 11:55
  SPEAKER_01: When I looked at the MM store, I wasn't even embarrassed to be American.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_01: I was just shamed to be human.
• 12:01
  SPEAKER_01: Because has anyone at any point in their life thought, when are they gonna open an MM store?
• 12:08
  SPEAKER_01: Sure, I can buy MMs absolutely anywhere, but I like to buy in bulk.
• 12:15
  SPEAKER_01: In a pro MM environment.
• 12:19
  SPEAKER_01: Obviously, we don't need an MM store.
• 12:22
  SPEAKER_01: We don't even need different colored MMs.
• 12:25
  SPEAKER_01: They all taste the same.
• 12:28
  SPEAKER_01: They're just bits of chocolate shaped like Advil.
• 12:33
  SPEAKER_01: With an M on it.
• 12:34
  SPEAKER_01: They're not even MMs, they're M's.
• 12:38
  SPEAKER_01: We don't do that with anything else.
• 12:39
  SPEAKER_01: You want some raisin and raisins?
• 12:41
  SPEAKER_01: Go ahead.
• 12:42
  SPEAKER_01: Grab a handful of raisin and raisins.
• 12:46
  SPEAKER_01: But I did open for the Pope Mobile in Philadelphia.
• 12:49
  SPEAKER_01: Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love, and if you've been there, you know they mean that sarcastically.
• 12:56
  SPEAKER_01: I love Philly, but saying Philadelphia is the city of brotherly love is a little bit like saying Syria, a place for peace.
• 13:04
  SPEAKER_01: But I love Philly.
• 13:06
  SPEAKER_01: I love, you know, I love the whole Northeast.
• 13:08
  SPEAKER_01: I'm from the Midwest, but I choose to live in the Northeast because I love the energy and I love the fact that everyone in the Northeast is angry for absolutely no reason at all.
• 13:19
  SPEAKER_01: Furious! From Philadelphia to Boston, pissed off.
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: Right?
• 13:27
  SPEAKER_01: That whole Acela line, I call it the corridor of hate.
• 13:33
  SPEAKER_01: But that is why we are the United States.
• 13:36
  SPEAKER_01: Think of those initial 13 colonies.
• 13:38
  SPEAKER_01: Like in Virginia, those guys, like Jefferson and Madison, those guys were like the philosophers.
• 13:43
  SPEAKER_01: They're like, we're born with these inalienable rights, we should have representation.
• 13:47
  SPEAKER_01: But it was the people in the Northeast in Boston that were like, screw it, dump out that tea in the habit.
• 13:52
  SPEAKER_01: Those English are dicks.
• 13:54
  SPEAKER_01: They don't say that before hospital.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_01: Don't you wish you were there when the Bostonians explained to the Virginians, yeah, we listened to all that stuff you said, so we started a war with England.
• 14:08
  SPEAKER_01: The greatest superpower on the planet.
• 14:11
  SPEAKER_01: The Virginians were like, What?
• 14:14
  SPEAKER_00: We were talking hypothetically.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_01: Even Patrick Henry was like, when I said give me liberty or give me death, I didn't mean actual death.
• 14:22
  SPEAKER_01: I was talking like death by chocolate death.
• 14:27
  SPEAKER_01: But so I was in Philadelphia for the event at the sound check, and they had constructed this huge amphitheater next to the Ben Franklin Parkway, which is a highway, and the amphitheater was empty.
• 14:38
  SPEAKER_01: And I was up there doing the sound check, and I looked on the highway, and it was already filled with a million people.
• 14:44
  SPEAKER_01: And I looked at those people and I thought, wow, a million people that don't want to see me do stand-up comedy.
• 14:50
  SPEAKER_01: Because they were all there to see the Pope.
• 14:52
  SPEAKER_01: And not one of those million people was thinking, I hope the Pope has a comedian open for him.
• 14:59
  SPEAKER_01: But I shouldn't have been surprised.
• 15:01
  SPEAKER_01: In the weeks leading up to the event, through all these interviews, they're like, You're opening for the Pope.
• 15:06
  SPEAKER_01: There's gonna be millions of people there.
• 15:07
  SPEAKER_01: Are you nervous?
• 15:08
  SPEAKER_01: Are you gonna prepare?
• 15:09
  SPEAKER_01: And I'm like, I'm definitely nervous, I'm definitely gonna prepare.
• 15:12
  SPEAKER_01: Anyway, I didn't prepare.
• 15:14
  SPEAKER_01: So I was on stage at the soundtrack looking at those million people, and I thought, I gotta come up with some Philadelphia jokes.
• 15:21
  SPEAKER_01: But what do I know about Philadelphia?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_01: I know cheese steaks, Liberty Bell, and I just watched this ESPN 30 for 30 documentary about Eagles fans in 1968 throwing snowballs at someone dressed like Santa Claus.
• 15:38
  SPEAKER_01: That's all I knew.
• 15:39
  SPEAKER_01: So I went off and I tried to think of some Philadelphia jokes.
• 15:43
  SPEAKER_01: Before you knew it, the event started, and I was introduced, and I walked out, and the amphitheater was still empty.
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_01: You know, because the Pope wasn't there, and it was a Catholic event, so everyone was at the bar.
• 15:54
  SPEAKER_01: So I was like, alright, I guess I'm just gonna do my show for no one.
• 15:58
  SPEAKER_01: So I go, it's good to be here in Philadelphia, and I heard this roar behind me.
• 16:02
  SPEAKER_01: And it was all the people on the highway, and I was like, all right, I'll play to them.
• 16:05
  SPEAKER_01: I was like, Philadelphia loves the Pope.
• 16:08
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, not that I was worried, but you guys weren't that nice to Santa.
• 16:12
  SPEAKER_01: Nothing.
• 16:15
  SPEAKER_01: Silence.
• 16:17
  SPEAKER_01: And then I heard something that sounded like booing, because it was booing.
• 16:23
  SPEAKER_01: It wasn't everyone, it was like 10%, so 100,000 people.
• 16:28
  SPEAKER_01: Booing by Santa joke before they saw their religious leader who was gonna talk to them about mercy.
• 16:36
  SPEAKER_01: So I did what anyone would do when they're being booed.
• 16:39
  SPEAKER_01: I acted like I wasn't being booed.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_01: I did some jokes about being lazy and food, and I kind of got the crowd back, and I got off stage, disaster averted, and I pulled out my phone and I started checking Twitter, and I saw the most angry, hateful tweets I've ever seen.
• 16:54
  SPEAKER_01: How dare you bring up the Santa incident?
• 16:58
  SPEAKER_01: Never come back to Philly.
• 17:00
  SPEAKER_01: I wish I could punch you.
• 17:02
  SPEAKER_01: Bring up the Santa incident in Philly, is like, bring up the Holocaust in Germany.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_01: That was an actual tweet.
• 17:10
  SPEAKER_01: Of course, the difference being that the Holocaust happened and Santa has never existed.
• 17:18
  SPEAKER_01: At that moment, there was a tap on my shoulder, and it was one of the organizers, and they're like, Do you want to meet the Pope?
• 17:23
  SPEAKER_01: And I was like, I'm good.
• 17:25
  SPEAKER_01: He's like, Yeah, of course, I'd love to meet the Pope.
• 17:28
  SPEAKER_01: So I was put in this room with some of the other performers, and we were lined up, and the Pope came in and he started greeting people, and I noticed people that the Pope was meeting, they were saying something to the Pope, and I didn't know what I was gonna say to the Pope.
• 17:39
  SPEAKER_01: And before you knew it, the Pope was right in front of me, and I just said, Don't bring up the Santins.
• 17:55
  SPEAKER_01: He didn't say anything, he just gave me a look of like, dude, I would never do that.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_01: This is Philadelphia, they'd crucify me.