Latest / The Well / Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - Why We Fight with Those We Love, Part 2

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Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram Daily Podcast - Why We Fight with Those We Love, Part 2 · The Well

0:11
Today on Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram.
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Did you ever wonder why some of the most, I mean,
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worst fights that you ever have are with people
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that you love the most? I mean, what causes these
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heated conflicts and hurt feelings and painful
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words that really divide? Chances are the reasons
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for our disputes are different than you might
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think. Stay with us as we consider not only why
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we fight, but how to defuse that conflict. I'm
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Dave Drewy, and this is Living on the Edge with
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Chip Ingram. James chapter 4 traces our worst
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conflicts back to a single root cause, a consuming
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craving for self -gratification. Today, Chip
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gives us the cure. He lays out four clear, practical
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steps toward humbling yourself before God and
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shows us the promise attached to each one. If
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there's a relationship in your life that needs
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restoring, today's message is where you start.
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And in case you need to revisit this lesson at
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another time, just go to livingontheedge .org.
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Well, now here's Chip with his message titled,
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Why We Fight With Those We Love. Open your Bibles,
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if you're not already there, to James chapter
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four. He says, what is the source of quarrels
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and conflicts among you? Rhetorical question.
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Is not the source your pleasures that wage war
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in your members or literally among you? You lust
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and you do not have, so you commit murder. You
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are envious and cannot obtain, so you fight and
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quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask.
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And you do not receive because you ask with the
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wrong motives. Why? So that you can spend it
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on yourself. The summary of that is the root
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cause of interpersonal conflicts, according to
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James, is our consuming passion for self -gratification.
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Okay, that's the cause of quarrels. Now he's
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gonna give us God's diagnosis. Our constant quarrels
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reveal three different things. Verse four, you
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adulteresses, do you not know that friendship
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with the world is hostility toward God? Therefore,
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whoever wishes to be a friend of the world, notice
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this, makes himself an enemy of God. Or do you
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not think that the scripture speaks to no purpose?
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He jealously desires the spirit which he made
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to dwell in us. But notice his response is, he
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gives more grace. He gives more grace. Well,
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how does he give the grace? Therefore it says,
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and he quotes the Old Testament here, God is
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opposed, literally he's anti, he's against the
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proud, but he gives grace to the humble. Literally
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he goes, adulteresses are unfaithful creatures.
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Don't you know, circle the word friendship, will
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you? That's our word phileo. It's the affection
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with the world system and its sensual pleasures.
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It means you are in hostility. You've become
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an enemy or you're in hostility with God. You
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make yourself an enemy. Then he goes on to say,
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he yearns jealously for the spirit that he puts
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within us. And this word, if you want to circle
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through it, God opposes the proud. It's a picture
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as you study this phrase of literally God going
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into battle and putting on holy array in battle
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to come against that which is opposed. to what's
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good. And there are times in your life and there's
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times in my life when we do that. Let's go back
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and play out what the lie is then. He says we
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believe the lie. The lie basically is hedonism.
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And hedonism is a worldview that promises that
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I will be fulfilled by pleasure. See, the lie
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is fulfilling your sensual pleasure will deliver
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significance, security, joy, and fulfillment.
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That's hedonism. And that lie leads us to betray
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a trust. And we become spiritual adulteresses.
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I don't know anything that is happening in our
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day that breaks God's heart more than a church
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that has fallen in love with the world. And notice
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what it says. He yearns jealously for the spirit
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he made, but he gives more grace. Well, how does
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he give more grace? It says here, we make ourselves
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an enemy so he gives more grace. How does he
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give more grace? He's opposed to the proud. What
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did he say in the beginning was the core of interpersonal
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problems? Pride, selfishness. What's God opposed
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to? It means he's against. It doesn't mean he
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tolerates it. It doesn't mean that he winks at
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it. It doesn't mean that, well, you know, I'm
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not really happy with this and I wish you could
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kind of clean it up. It means he's against it.
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When he's against it, that means he brings consequences,
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not because he's down on you. Because he loves
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you. See, this isn't theoretical. And the seduction
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of the world is not something that you get hit
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in the face and go, wow, I'm a worldly friend
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of the world, Christian, and I may be, maybe
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some of these difficult areas of my life really
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have to do with, you know, I'm God's enemy and
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I never thought about that. I don't think the
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average born again, genuine believer in Jesus
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Christ in America is waking up every one day
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saying, you know, I know I really love God, but
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I think I'm going to embrace the world. I think
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I'm going to try and live just like they are
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because I want all the negative consequences
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and I want to be a terrible witness. And, you
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know, my marriage, you know, who wants it to
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last more than eight or 10 years anyway? And,
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you know, all these sexual addictions and food
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addictions, bulimia. I mean, you know, I mean,
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these counselors need money. So if I, no one
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does that. But that's where we're landing, people.
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So what's the solution? He gives us the solution
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where he gives us a prescription. And we're gonna
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get the prescription in verses seven through
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10. It is very direct. God's prescription is
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humble yourself and God will heal your relationships.
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Humble yourself and God will heal your relationships.
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Write those two words, humble yourself and God
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will, he'll restore. I'm gonna read this passage
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and there are seven, actually 10 staccato verbs
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that are commands. And by staccato, I mean it's
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bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. He's gonna
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give us seven to 10 specific things that we need
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to do that will be a picture of how to humble
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yourself. You can circle the words, but number
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one, submit, circle yourselves therefore to God.
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Two, resist the devil and he'll flee from you.
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Three, draw near to God. and he will draw near
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to you. Four, cleanse your hands, you sinners.
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And five, purify your hearts, you men of double
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mind. Six, be wretched and mourn. Seven, weep.
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Eight, let your laughter be turned to mourning
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and your joy to dejection. Circle laughter. Ten,
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humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will
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exalt you. Submit. resist, draw near, cleanse,
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purify, be miserable, mourn, weep, let your laughter
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be turned or literally have your laughter turned
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around. This isn't just don't laugh. This is
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the haughty kind of laughter where people are
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rejoicing and reveling in sin. That's the picture
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of this word. And as you study those things,
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what you see is it is developed in four clear
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steps toward humility or to diffuse conflict.
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Number one, Give in to God. Write that in the
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line above there. Submit yourselves, therefore,
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to God. The word submit here is in a tense of
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the verb that has a sense of urgency. It's a
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compound word, hupo, to be under, and taso, to
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be under the rank. It's like falling into line
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or rank in the military. It's to take God as
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your commander, as your captain. It's a picture
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of a group of military people all walking like
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this, and you are out of step. What he's saying
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is you're out of step with the Spirit. Well,
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how do you get in step with the Spirit? Very,
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very clearly, it is obey the known will of God
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revealed in Scripture. Give in to God. Voluntarily,
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from the heart, that's the idea. You might write
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just one word after that. Give in to God. Put
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an arrow and write the word surrender and put
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a box around it. It's really what it is. Surrender.
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Submit your will. Submit your future. Submit
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your relationships. Submit your agenda. Submit
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your desires. And you say, God, here's what I'm
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going to do. I have unconsciously, I didn't mean
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to, I didn't realize it. You brought me to this
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place at this time to help reveal it. The light
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bulbs are going off in my mind. My spirit is
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so convicted. I want you to know right now, I
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surrender. I submit to you. I want you to know
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that as I begin to think about your word, and
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I know it's going to be a journey, but I'm going
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to submit my finances to you. I'm going to submit
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my schedule to you. I'm going to submit my relationships,
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my job, my ministry. I submit to you. You are
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the general. You're the commanding officer. You're
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the king. You're the CEO. And I'm coming for
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orders. You tell me what to do. That's what I
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want to do. That's the first step in humbling
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yourself. It's obeying what you know. The second
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step is get tough with Satan. Notice the word
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resist the devil and he'll flee from you. Resist
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has the prefix anti. It means to be against him
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and to take a stand. It's to take a stand against
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the enemy. There is no middle ground. You can't
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play with him. And the word devil, I mean, who
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is this? He's the slanderer, the liar, the deceiver.
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He's the seducer. Has anyone seen a Forbes where
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you can... go through a Forbes magazine and not
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somehow feel like, man, if I was really, really
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rich and I'd be really, really powerful, then
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it'd be really, really important. You know, it's
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different strokes for different folks. It's the
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lust of the flesh for some. For others, it's
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that magazine you look at and you see all those
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beautiful houses and all that beautiful furniture
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and all this, or that dream vacation. You could
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go to Scotland, do this, and you go to this,
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go to this, go to this. And it always go from
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one thing to another. Yet, who's behind that?
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Who's selling you the bill of goods if you had,
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if you could, if you possessed, if you look like
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that? If you just had enough money to have some
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of those surgeries like they have on TV, then
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you could walk down the staircase and all your
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friends would go, ah, who is that? That's a woman
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or a man who they've shaved off 35 pounds with
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surgery and other 20 pounds with exercise and
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they have poked, jabbed, pushed. I won't go any
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farther than that. Made up, died. Broken jaws,
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put in new teeth, rearrange noses, and under
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special lighting for one moment. And here's my
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theory. Visit that woman or that man in three
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years, and they'll look exactly like they did
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three years before. You're listening to Living
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on the Edge with Chip Ingram. We'll pick the
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message back up in just a moment. But did you
11:15
know you can actually watch Chip teach, not just
11:17
hear him? Head on over to YouTube, search Living
11:20
on the Edge with Chip Ingram, and hit subscribe.
11:23
You'll find full video teachings there on marriage,
11:27
parenting, leadership, and a lot more. Ready
11:30
to watch whenever it works for your schedule.
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Well, now here's Chip with the rest of today's
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message. Resist the devil and he'll flee from
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you. Get tough with Satan, put an arrow, and
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write the word fight and put a box around it.
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You gotta fight. You gotta fight. Ephesians 6.
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Tells us how to put on the full armor of God.
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Look, it's a promise. If you resist, he'll flee.
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But you gotta get angry with it. You gotta say,
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I don't wanna be that. I don't wanna think of
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that. You gotta say, no more internet for me.
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I'm not gonna watch that stuff. You have to cut
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off the supply lines. You gotta fight. You gotta
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say, there's a world system. It is purposely
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seeking to seduce me. And you've got to put up
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the guard and the armor. And you've got to say
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to yourself, you know what? I can't let that
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in our home. I've got a good friend that had
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a pornography problem. He just doesn't have the
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internet. He just doesn't have it. You say, well,
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that's drastic. Yeah, it's drastic. He's just
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kind of saving his marriage, saving his life,
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walking with God, changing his life. He just
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happens to know he's weak. Where are you weak?
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Where are you weak? In the area of media, I would
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dare you to do something. You probably won't
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do this, but I'll dare you anyway. Double, double
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dare. I dare you to go on a media fast for 10
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days. No TV, not even the news, 10 days. First
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two days, you want to kill each other because
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you'll be so irritable. And then you'll recognize
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we actually spend hours that we didn't know in
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front of this thing. Then pretty soon you'll
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start getting creative and you'll have all kind
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of time and start doing some things you always
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wanted to do. About day number six through eight,
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you'll start actually having some fun. Day number
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nine, you won't miss it very much. Day number
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10 or 11, you realize, oh, hey, and you'll start
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watching something and you'll watch a commercial
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and you go, oh man, that is, that is gross. Because
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what will happen is you won't be dumbed down.
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Your spiritual sensitivities will come back alive
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and you'll realize, man, there's a hook in that
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commercial. And did you notice how the camera
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panned and went to that guy's body part or that
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woman's body part? Did you see? And all of a
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sudden, all those subliminal messages, your spirit
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will pick them up and you'll fight and you'll
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say, man, I'm not buying that stuff. But I tell
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you what, The passive, I want to try harder,
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be a better person someday, some way, will not
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make it. Third, he says, draw near to God and
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he'll draw near to you. Right in there, get close
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to God. Get close to God and then draw an arrow
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and in the box, write return. Return to God.
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What he wants you to know, he loves you. He's
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for you. He cares about you. Anything you think
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the world and power or sex or pleasure or a boat
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or a better golf score or what plastic surgery
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could ever provide, Jesus says, it's all a lie.
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It's all temporary. I love you just for you.
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I have joy that circumstances can't change. I
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want to give you something in your heart that's
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called peace, not pseudo peace. I want you to
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be able to sit in a room where you don't have
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to turn on the TV or the stereo or run over to
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the refrigerator every time you have a little
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bit of unrest in your soul. I want to give you
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joy that even when bad news happens, it wells
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up in you. I want to love you. I want to care
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for you. I want to tie you into me and let you
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understand where real life comes, abundant life
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to the full. Isn't that what he promised? I came
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that you might have life and you could have it
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to the max. This isn't like getting second rate
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stuff. This is like seeing the junk for what
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it is, and then you negatively, you got to fight,
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but then you draw near to God, you return. And
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what's the promise say? He'll draw near to you.
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Isn't that awesome? This is the picture of the
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prodigal and the father. You know, he didn't
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run after the prodigal, did he? He allowed the
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consequences to get in the prodigal's life. By
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the time the kid is eating the pig slop, he finally
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has an aha moment. This ain't good. The slaves
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have it better. But the moment he returned the
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word, right, and began to come back to the father,
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what did the father do? Study that passage carefully.
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He does a number of things that break culture.
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He runs to meet. That means he had to pick up
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his robe. That means he embarrassed himself in
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the city. He ran to meet his son. God wants to
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run to meet some of you. And some of you are
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so overwhelmed with guilt and got so much baggage
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and so much junk and feel like you're so unworthy
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and you've been through so much. He's a God of
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grace. If you've fallen into a 15 -foot hole,
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He will lower a 16 -foot rope. And if you've
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fallen into a 300 -foot hole and you can say,
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I had two abortions. I've had four marriages.
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I'm a perpetual liar. I'm stealing from the company
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right now. My whole life is a mess. I'm 300 feet
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of just dirt and I feel like a terrible person.
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God said, I brought you here because I have a
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301 -foot rope. Just grab it, babe. I love you.
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I love you. I died for you. I have a plan for
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you. I want to restore you. Well, how do you
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draw near to God? It's not just an emotional
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experience. How do you draw near to God? Well,
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since many of you are on that media fast because
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I double -doubled aired you and some of you can't
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resist that, with all this time, you know what
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you'll find? Just start reading through the New
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Testament. Just start taking walks instead of
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watching TV and talk to God. And when you're
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hurt, tell him you're hurt. When you're angry,
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just express it and tell him you're angry. Then
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the things and the needs that you don't have,
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ask him for. Get in the scriptures, begin to
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pray. And then, you know what? Every New Testament
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command I can find is in the second person plural.
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There might be an exception or two. That means
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I'm never expected to live this radical New Testament
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revolutionary life alone. I gotta do it with
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people. And you get in the scriptures and you
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begin to pray and you get with some people that
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are making progress with the Lord and you find
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some music and a Bible teaching church that teaches
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the word and lives authentic lives. And you know
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what? You're drawing near to God. He's gonna
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draw near to you. And all the things you thought
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that we're gonna deliver through your hedonism,
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that you're being brainwashed like I'm being
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brainwashed day after day after day, God says,
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I'm gonna give you better and lasting both now
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and forever. The final thing he says is get right
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with others. Notice the phrase here, cleanse
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your hands, purify your hearts. You know what?
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That's the outward. What are you doing with your
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hands that is wrong? Cleanse them. Then not just
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externally, but internally, purify your hearts.
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Where are your motives? Let there be tears for
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the wrong that you've done. And so there's a
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private purification. Where you cleanse your
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hands. And you know what it is? You don't hear
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this much anymore. Are you ready for this? Some
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of you, a number of things have come up in your
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mind. I've just sort of thrown a few little bombs
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out. Have you noticed? You know, the soaps over
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here, romance novels over here, pornography over
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here, materialism. Just in case you missed the
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bombs. This is a review. All right? All right?
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A little bitterness in your heart, unforgiveness
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toward an ex, toward a mom, a dad, one of your
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kids, right? You know what cleanse your hands,
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purify your hearts is? Stop sinning. Stop it.
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Okay, you ready? I'm gonna do this again. It's
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very complicated. Stop sinning. I mean, we get
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this like, yeah, I will, you know, I'm gonna
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have to process this, maybe see my counselor.
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You know what? Is it wrong? Stop it. Repent.
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That's the word. Right. Get right with others.
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Arrow in a box, then right. Repent. Now, do you
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need help? Yeah. Do you need to see a pastor
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or a friend? But if you have wronged someone,
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Make it right. Cleanse your hands. If you have
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bitterness in your heart, if you have resentment,
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if you have anger fantasies, purify your heart.
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Purge it. Tell God you're sorry. If you need
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to apologize to someone, go apologize to them.
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But just say, I'm gonna get right with God. I'm
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gonna get right with others. Then notice the
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final thing he says in verse 10. He says, humble
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yourself therefore under the mighty hand of God.
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Why? That he may Exalt you. He's told us that
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the problem is interpersonal relationships, that
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it's really selfishness. He said the lie that
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we've believed is hedonism, the whole pleasure
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mentality, the playboy mentality of our day.
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But he says, you know something? Submit to God,
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resist the devil, draw near to God, and then
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get right with others. And then he says that
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is the actions of humbling yourself before God.
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And here's what he'll, he wants to literally,
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here's the word. He wants to lift you up. He
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wants to restore you. I wish I had time to go
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over couple after couple after couple and men
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who've had 20 years of pornography, internet
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addiction and people that have been on drugs
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in the places I've had the privilege of pastor
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where I've watched them humble themselves, come
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and say, God, I'm bankrupt and do exactly what
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we've talked about here. And the Lord has weaned
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them from the world and they've been returned.
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to their first love, the Lord Jesus. And is it
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easy? No. Is it humbling? You know, some of you
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are thinking, well, if I made it right, I might
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have to go, like, actually apologize to someone,
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like an ex -mate or an ex -boss. This could go
20:55
public. This would be humiliating. Humiliation
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comes from the same root word as humble. You
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see, when we finally get to where it ain't about
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me and it ain't about you, is let's just be right.
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You know, people don't think any of us are near
21:14
as good as we think they think they are anyway,
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right? I mean, we're all projecting a little
21:19
bit better and most of us see through what we're
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projecting. It takes more energy to hide and
21:24
cover and project that we're better than it does
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to come absolutely clean and say, I blew it.
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I was wrong. I'm sorry. God has forgiven me.
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And I'd like, would you? And you know what I
21:35
find? People are pretty merciful with people
21:39
that are humble. You're listening to Living on
21:44
the Edge with Chip Ingram and a message titled,
21:46
Why We Fight With Those We Love. You can find
21:49
today's lesson online at livingontheedge .org.
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Everything Chip walked us through today comes
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down to the same call as everything else in this
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series. Loving people well takes an actual decision,
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not just an intention. That's the whole case
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behind Chip's book, I Choose Love. It unpacks
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what the Bible means by agape love. and gives
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you a practical way to start living it out with
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the people right in front of you. Get your copy
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of I Choose Love at a special price today at
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livingontheedge .org. You know, we hear from
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listeners all the time about what happens when
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they actually put teaching like this into practice.
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One woman wrote in about the anger she'd carried
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for years, chasing the approval of the people
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around her. Anger that was, in her own words,
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ruining some of her closest relationships. Learning
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that she already has God's approval, she said
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changed everything, and it actually restored
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her relationship with her daughter. I can't imagine,
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she wrote, where we would be if I had not participated
22:50
in the program. Well, that kind of restoration
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is exactly what this ministry is about, and it's
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only possible because listeners like you keep
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it going. Give generously today and help this
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kind of practical biblical teaching reach the
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next relationship that needs exactly this. Give
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online at livingontheedge .org or call us at
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888 -333 -6003. You can also send your gift by
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mail. Address it to Living on the Edge, P .O.
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Box 3007, Sewanee, Georgia, 30024. Well, now
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here's Chip. As we close today's program, there
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are four specific steps toward humility. And
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the promise is when you humble yourself, God
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will lift you up. He will help you. Let me review
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them quickly. Number one, give in to God. Submit
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yourselves, therefore, to God. The key word is
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surrender. Second, get tough with Satan. Resist
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the devil and he'll flee from you. You may need
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some help on what that looks like and how to
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do it. Number three, get close to God. The promise,
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draw near to God and he'll draw near to you.
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Open the scriptures, read the Psalms, cry out
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to God. He longs to help you in your pain. And
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number four, get right with others. Repent. If
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you need to make something right, make it right.
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This is one of those messages you need to get
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the notes, download them for free, and then you
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can walk through it. There's discussion questions
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and an outline that will help you. put this into
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practice. Father, I pray for those in conflict
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who need to take the first step that they'll
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go to the web today and they'll hear your voice
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and begin to put into practice what it looks
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like to humble themselves so that you can lift
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them up. In Jesus' name, amen. Again, our website
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is livingontheedge .org. Well, next time Chip
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turns to a subject most of us would rather not
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talk about, the words we use about other people.
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Don't miss this important lesson right here on
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Living on the Edge with Chip Ingram. Today's
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program is produced and sponsored by Living on
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the Edge.