Latest / The Hidden Load: For the educators and leaders in medicine who hold everyone up. / Beyond the "Fix-It" Mindset: Redefining Professionalism and Parenting with Dr. Juhi Raizada
Transcript
- Santina Wheat: Welcome back to The Hidden Load. Today, we are exploring a specific intersection that many of our listeners live in. The space between being a leader in medicine and a leader in the home. If you are a program director, a section chief, a senior attending, or a community attending, you're used to being the expert amongst your team. You're the one that people go to for answers, but what happens when that expert identity also follows you home? but clashes with the messy, unpredictable reality of parenting. I am your host, Dr. Santina or Tina Wheat. I'm a family physician, an educator, and a career and life coach. And today I am joined by Dr. Juhee Rezaida. Juhee is a pediatrician ⁓ and a parent coach helps high achieving moms navigate the invisible labor of parenting. Welcome to the hidden load for the educators and leaders in medicine who hold everyone up. Thank you for listening to The Hidden Load. If today's conversation spoke to you, I would love for you to share it with a colleague who might need to hear it too. It's one of the simplest ways we can start shifting the culture of medicine together. We will tackle the hard topics and help you conquer your chaos and get to calm all by starting to acknowledge and remove that hidden load. And remember, your time spent reflecting here matters. You can earn free CME or CE credits for listening to today's episode through the Pinnacle app. You'll find that link in the show notes. Joohee, you've noted that for women in leadership, the load isn't just about tasks, it's about the pressure to stay composed in every room that we enter. Welcome to the podcast. This podcast is a space for us to name the things that are common, but not normal. Each week, we'll look at the invisible weight you're carrying and explore practical coaching-based tools to help you find more calm, better boundaries, and a sense of purpose that doesn't require you to run on empty. I'm so glad that you've carved time out for yourself today. Let's get into the episode. Dr Juhi: Thank you so much for having me on this wonderful podcast. excited for this conversation because ⁓ ⁓ are leaders, whether we wear that badge or we don't. ⁓ I know that every mom is ⁓ CEO of her home. ⁓ then as ⁓ working, ⁓ know, physician moms, a lot of Santina Wheat: If you are looking for one-on-one coaching support or want to dive deeper into the resources we discussed today, let's connect. Dr Juhi: us, find ourselves in a little bit of a lonely place, ⁓ and ⁓ where that load in. ⁓ And we're just kind of it. But sometimes ⁓ it's good to hear from women physicians, the perspective that they have on this as well. ⁓ Santina Wheat: You can find information on how to reach me in the show notes. don't forget to hit subscribe so that never miss an episode ⁓ and leave me a rating so that others can find too. Absolutely. I think that that's so true. That aspect of feeling like you're in a lonely place can feel so real to so many people. I feel like we see other people and think that they have it all and reminding each other that this is, it's not easy, that it takes work. ⁓ It takes lot of ⁓ energy and to keep moving. and take care of yourself because you deserve to be held up too. And I'll see you next time. Tell me a little bit about how the hidden load showed up for you and me to want to do the work that you're doing now. Dr Juhi: Yeah, thank you. So, with me, it showed up in little and it was adding up. I didn't know that it was kind of running in the background ⁓ and it was wearing me ⁓ I, ⁓ on the outside a who was very confident. ⁓ you know, I've got it all. ⁓ And ⁓ on the inside, was ⁓ I was. ⁓ finding myself yelling at my kids and then feeling guilty about it. I was finding myself trying to do the best, but then still feeling like I was failing somewhere. And it just of, just broke me when I was, ⁓ one day I was yelling at my teenager and... you I didn't know what was happening. I did not want to do it. ⁓ And that's I went on this journey because there was going to be a better way. ⁓ I going to find it. ⁓ And I learned the tools, that's when I started. ⁓ on this journey of self-awareness. And that, think, is the step one for that ⁓ are, in fact, carrying a backpack of lot of our responsibilities, ⁓ it's ⁓ whether personal, whether it's social. ⁓ of are added onto backpack ⁓ that we're carrying. can just pause for a moment and just take stock of what we're carrying, that itself can help just transform our relationships. Santina Wheat: Absolutely. I think that so many of us can relate to that feeling of watching yourself do something and wondering where it came from, sort of watching this behavior that doesn't feel like you, that you're shocked by and having that realization that something potentially can change or hopefully can change. many us who are in healthcare, ⁓ we build our identity on It's something that we really learn that we have to do. We learn that we have to manage a crisis and we have to stay calm under pressure. We learn that we have to teach other people how to do that as well because we have to show that brave face to our patients and lead the team whether we have that title or not. ⁓ some of our conversations, you've mentioned that this is the composed leader persona, but that that persona that we... ⁓ we bring together at work can actually become a heavy burden at home. can you talk to me a little bit about how this shows up for ⁓ the woman who is supposed to be the calm one at hospital all day and then comes home ⁓ and needs to take it off or doesn't know how to it off? Dr Juhi: Yeah, that is such a good question and so relevant for our, you know, high achieving women physician ⁓ groups that, you know, we're all day and, know, throughout our training, it's very intense. We're, you know, not only leading like our teams, residents, handling the colleagues and things like that, but we're also absorbing so many emotions of so many patients, whether it's ⁓ families or complaints or just the pressure of the administration sometimes. And all of that, we are then, after our shift is done, we're getting in our car, the commute, we're kind of processing all of that. And by the time we get home, the second shift starts. so it's going from the nine to five to five to nine a ⁓ continuous It's like you're on call 24 seven with no breaks. And so. ⁓ If you can imagine being on call just in the hospital 24 seven, seven days a week, nonstop, what's that gonna do to our nervous system, our health, our physical, emotional health? And that's kind of what happens to a lot of us when we are finishing our first shift going into the second. and not recognizing that break in between and not just taking it in, then it comes out on our family members. Because then comes a question of dinner and activities and sports. And obviously, as high achieving parents, we want to give the same kind of environment to our kids. And then we're putting a lot of pressure. in turn on ourselves sometimes. So I find that, you know, just kind of taking stock of all the activities and all the evening events that are have to happen helps offload some of it and maybe delegate some of it. And that helps your nervous system stay more regulated. Santina Wheat: It's so true. have so many, memories of honestly, even actually being on a 24 hour shift. Um, I used to deliver babies frequently. And so being on a 24 hour shift and managing all that was the hospital between the newborns, the, the laboring moms, and then coming home and having a sick child or having someone that was upset about something that happened at school. it really did feel like nonstop and there was not that ability to. slow down and breathe and separate some of those pieces. originally did not how to that. That wasn't modeled very well for ⁓ I was in training and young attending. So. For someone who is focused on maintaining control, because we know that control in medicine, it really is a virtue. You're praised for being the one that can maintain control in emergency. You're praised for getting it all done and not having a strong reaction. We wanna make sure that there's control in the curriculum or the safety protocols and the clinical outcome. How do we talk about losing some of our grip on that control if that's what we need to do in order to lighten the load at Dr Juhi: Yeah, so it's really important that we do have to separate our work from our home in a sense that when we go and practice medicine, yes, we want to take care of our patients and we want to diagnose and fix, quote unquote, the problem, right? But when we are stepping into our family life or our personal life, relationships, I think the key is to lead from connection versus control. I think the key is to lead from connection versus correction. And that piece comes from empathy and active listening. So sometimes, you know, when we're we're in our office or in the hospital, yes, we're very good listeners. We're very attentive to what we need to tend to. we, you know, we fix, we diagnose, and we move on to the next. But at home, these are the people that we are actually, you know, raising. These are little people that were, you know, that are gonna turn into adults. So it helps to kind of think about our values and ⁓ the that we are trying to inculcate in our next generation. And ⁓ we pause and we lead with connection, it actually decreases burnout ⁓ and improves and transforms our relationships. ⁓ Santina Wheat: So tell me a little bit about how you recommend we lead with connection at Dr Juhi: So I recommend and I teach my clients the calm parent method. And what that involves is it's a three-part framework, which is really easy to do. And you can catch yourself doing that repeatedly number of times a day. initially, it may seem like it's a chore, but it just becomes part of our nervous system as we practice it more. And the three components are really simple. The first one is pause. So I usually will start with a pause if I feel like my temperature of my body is rising. I'm feeling like tightness in my shoulders. I am feeling tightness in my jaw. I catch myself and I pause. When I pause, it could be a deep breath or it could just be closing my eyes for a few seconds. And that helps me just not yell, at least at that moment. then secondly, I name the feeling and naming the feeling. It's not always that you're yelling for the same thing or you're getting upset at the same thing. It could be you're frustrated, you're sad, you're disgusted, you're disappointed, you're upset. So there's all these emotions that we all kind of sometimes put in one bucket, but they're all different in their own way. And so if we name it, we can tame it. And so it helps to name the emotion after we pause. And we're still not finding ourselves doing any sort of reaction or anything to our kids or ⁓ in any relationship. from there, I recommend we shift. ⁓ and the shift is, let's take a minute and we'll talk about ⁓ this in a minute or ⁓ let me about response and come back to you. ⁓ And that perspective gives space and grace in the relationship without hurting ⁓ and ⁓ coming in a of reactivity. Because a lot of times when we are in our home, we're trying to obviously do our best. Everyone's trying to do their best. But the best may not be perceived as constructive thought or a constructive. criticism. And so it's important to lead with empathy. And this method helps lead with empathy and avoid the reactionary responses in homes. Santina Wheat: I think what you just said is so important and I think works not only with our children, it works in so many spaces. It's really about having awareness of what we're feeling. It's about the taking the moment to breathe through it. I think 30 seconds in just about any situation can make a huge difference in how reactive you Dr Juhi: Yes. Santina Wheat: you really to be intentional about your response. ⁓ That reactivity that you were talking about a moment ago, I have found that whenever I respond in a reactive manner, whether it's with my family, whether it's with my peers or my team members, it never goes as well as I want it to. And so when you can shift that, it's absolutely, absolutely amazing. When you use this framework for your clients or when you've used this for yourself, What sort of responses are they finding? How does this make them feel when they use it? Dr Juhi: Yeah, some of my clients have come back that this is like the most life changing simple technique that they've ever used in their parenting. ⁓ One of the moms, she's a very busy working professional mom of four girls. ⁓ And she was having a hard time connecting with the girls as they were turning into teenagers. And she came back to me and she was just like, I've used this and now my girls are using it too. And it's just... Santina Wheat: even better. Dr Juhi: You know, yeah, and the whole home has turned into so calm and peaceful, whereas before it was just chaos and, you know, it was just a lot of unrest in the relationships and they've just blossomed into. Positive relationships now, so I think that that really speaks a lot to you know How this powerful this could be because a lot of times you know We're reading a lot of books and we're trying to find solutions that are like right in front of us sometimes Santina Wheat: I don't think always talk about it this way, but I think that happiness at home and sustainability at work are so interrelated. When you're really unhappy at work, it's hard to be ⁓ happy at home. ⁓ you're very stressed at home, that carries over to you in work. ⁓ And it impacts others can sometimes run into us or see us. So. ⁓ How do you go from that fix it mindset? you just gave us this framework, but you have to be open to that framework, right? How do you go from shifting it to that fix it, like a clinical workflow, to not trying to fix your kids? Dr Juhi: Yeah, no, that's such a great question because again, a lot of us like women physicians were just all about, you know, ⁓ we're used to that kind of fixing mindset. And, ⁓ I'm definitely guilty of that because, you know, I learned this along the way while raising two kids and I'm in the season of, ⁓ now with two teenagers and, I think it with taking stock of what important to me. ⁓ and the values that I'm trying to teach the next generation. And it comes with an open-mindedness of accepting some of the things that are working as a collaboration versus you know, because I said so mindset. ⁓ And that I think is definitely a learning curve and it could take some time. But once you get that, the collaboration piece comes in and then you're all on the same team. It's not one versus the other in your home. you're all on the same team. And just think about how you play together when you're on one team versus you're on the opposite team. So I'll give you a really simple example of this is, know, bottom of my teens, you know, the rooms was not clean. And I went in and I was just like, Well, I hope that you can clean your room by And was just like, it went on and on. just, you know, it was the next day and it continued for two or three days. And I was just like, this is not working. And we ⁓ as soon as like seeing each other, it's all about the room again. And I don't want that relationship to be built on this kind of foundation. ⁓ So ⁓ Santina Wheat: Mm-hmm. Dr Juhi: I her down and I was like, look, the room is not clean. ⁓ What we do about it? ⁓ And instantly ⁓ took problem separate from her. So now we have a problem, but the child is not the problem. The room is the problem, not the child. And so when we're sitting on the same side of the table and looking at the same problem, It is such a different framework from looking at the problem from two opposite ends. And that shifts everything in the home as we practice it in baby steps. And then that becomes part of your home. And then everyone starts thinking in the same direction. Santina Wheat: Absolutely. So one of the things that I really like to talk about is how do we some of these techniques in a way that models for either our learners or our team members. I think that this is really important because one of the hidden curriculums in medicine is that We watch our mentors do things. and think that that's how it's supposed to be We assume that they have it all together, whether they do or they don't. ⁓ And so for those listening that are leaders, that are mentors, why is it important for them to be able to do this, ⁓ to show ⁓ those they are How can they share this with them too so that they... their learners or their teammates can see that there is this way where they can enjoy home life in addition to their careers. Dr Juhi: Yeah, I remember the residency days where I used to feel like, the attendings and program director and all of the, the senior residents have it all And ⁓ I didn't as a first year intern. so this such an point for the young physicians that we are that we are, you know, leading the for. ⁓ ⁓ and I think it's really important to remember that we're all humans, that we're all ⁓ trying to do better yesterday. We're all trying to be 1 % better than yesterday. ⁓ It's important to remember mistakes ⁓ are going to happen to air is human. But the more important piece is repair. And if we can all just kind of be okay with doing the repair work, because a lot of times, whether we are, you know, as a mom or as a colleague, sometimes mistakes happen, but we... Don't stress the importance of repair. Our kids, for example, they don't expect us to not make mistakes. They know mistakes are going to happen. And it's important to show them the vulnerability, because what we're showing the young interns, residents, kids, is what they are absorbing. If they don't see the mistakes, they're going to think perfection is the way to do it. But that's a myth. Perfection is a myth. And the reality is progress is key to any kind of success. Santina Wheat: I've been a program director for a while. I have found over the years ⁓ recently ⁓ since ⁓ when program open being family friendly and also the ACGME changed its leave policy, making it a little bit ⁓ easier and sustainable for residents to have children during their training. That this ⁓ is just a topic that. have found come up more often. It has become a more natural conversation of, wow, how are you managing this when you go home? Especially, I know you mentioned teenagers, but I'm remembering those toddler days when my children were so hard and I really did feel like I was on call 24-7, even on the days that I wasn't. And Dr Juhi: Yeah. Santina Wheat: I just really hope that the educators and leaders are hearing the part that when our residents or students or team members watch us power through, when they watch us hold our own exhaustion and carry that load in silence without thinking about what other tools can we do to feel better, then we're teaching our learners, our teammates that that is what professionalism looks like and it absolutely doesn't have to. It doesn't have to look that way. asking for support really can be an important aspect of this. ⁓ Do you think that there's ways that people can model asking for help in a situation like this or looking for support? Dr Juhi: Yeah, I mean, I think the bigger person going to be open to receiving help. when I look back in retrospect, feel like this training and the medical school, all that makes ⁓ very resilient and very, very strong because there's hours upon hours of work. ⁓ when you were a resident, don't know how many hours you were supposed to do on call. But when I was a resident, ⁓ I was ⁓ doing 30 straight calls ⁓ And I also had my baby during residency. ⁓ So. ⁓ I have slept on couches ⁓ during pregnancy and things like that while being on call. So it kind of does make you more, lack of a better word, more stoic and a little bit more resilient. And you feel like you can do it all and you've got it all. And then it's really hard for us to receive help. So I think the way to model this would be to be open to receiving help. And it's OK. It doesn't make me a small person if I'm getting help. It doesn't make me weak ⁓ if I'm receiving help. It makes me human. It makes me ⁓ just like the other person. And so sometimes we forget that as a physician, ⁓ women physicians in this field. Santina Wheat: And you did mention perfectionism earlier. We absolutely, it's important to soften our own expectations of perfectionism because when we're able to do that, then we can show others that they don't have to have perfectionism. And that really does help us create a more sustainable culture, especially for that next generation of doctors, because I really do hope we have that. So it's all women physician, but especially those who are leaders or educators often thrive themselves on Dr Juhi: Mm-hmm. you Santina Wheat: being over functioners. We try really hard to anticipate needs, but further voiced that makes us great chiefs. It makes us great medical directors. Honestly, it makes us good parents sometimes too, because we're doing the same things for our families, but it also leads to extremely exhausted parents. So what's a practical shift that someone who prides themselves on over functioning can make tonight? Like one little thing that can help them stop carrying the responsibility for how everyone around them feels. Dr Juhi: I it starts asking good questions, ⁓ because sometimes ⁓ we and I find ⁓ that whenever we assume we're not really understanding the needs of the other person, whether it's a younger physician or our kids. And so I found that if ask better questions, ⁓ I get ⁓ answers. And that sometimes helps me even lighten my load of, you know, which direction I'm to go. maybe I'm thinking ⁓ that everyone wants just a very simple example, like everyone wants home-cooked dinner, but maybe everyone doesn't want that, or maybe everyone's OK with leftovers. And that lightens my load, and it just takes so much off of my plate. So I think that has helped me personally and my clients as they are better questions. They're getting more and more into which direction to lead with. Santina Wheat: So there's obviously things that we can all do as individuals to make our lives a bit more intentional, a bit more sustainable, a bit more calm. But that doesn't ignore the responsibilities of the system. What can we be advocating for in the system to help support our, particularly moms in medicine, who are feeling this overwhelm? How can we help? Dr Juhi: Yeah, think moms in medicine, definitely we are a special group of moms who, trying to do it all. The thing that ⁓ I think the system wide is something that we can change is somehow if we can incorporate a little bit more flexibility in our schedules, a little bit more acceptability of, if we're raising a child, they can get sick and our caregiver may call out. know, it's not something that is should be unheard of just like other professions. ⁓ see my non physician friends with little kids, ⁓ less stressed ⁓ me, because I am feeling guilty of calling myself ⁓ ⁓ I have a sick child. ⁓ have a duty for my patients ⁓ ⁓ my families that I consider my families as my patients too. But I also have ⁓ a duty for my own child at home who's sick and has a fever. And so I strive, day to kind of bridge that gap ⁓ and figure what can we do better to help the women physicians ⁓ feel a little bit lesser loaded with this guilt of constant battle of should I to work when my is sick or should I stay home? Santina Wheat: it's not just they're sick. It's also when their school tells you they have a performance and it's only three weeks before the performance, like every single time that my children have had one. Or when they get accepted for something. My daughter recently was accepted a science fair and arranging to get her there caused stress in our household. We're thrilled that she's doing it. ⁓ But those things where you to support your family, Dr Juhi: you Yeah. Santina Wheat: be challenging and thinking about the the work balance if there's not flexibility. I'm very fortunate to have flexibility so we were able to manage, but I know that some of my colleagues would not have that feeling of flexibility. it bears saying that ⁓ one thing that we could is make that not just for the moms, but for all parents. ⁓ Because I think that when everybody experiences that flexibility, then it feel like, just that group of something and it's better for all of us. is there anything else that you want to make sure that our audience hears today? Dr Juhi: Yes, if talking the the in leadership modeling, the physicians are and coming are so hardworking. have such amazing young talent in this ⁓ is ⁓ that ⁓ we want to ⁓ just soften our edges a little bit, just ⁓ smile ⁓ and be human and have the empathy. If we lead with empathy and active listening, I think every relationship can transform and this world will be a better place. Santina Wheat: Absolutely such good words to end with. Juhi, thank you so much for helping us bridge the gap between our professional presence and our personal calm or our personal peace. I really appreciate you being here. If listeners would like to reach out to you, how can they find you? Dr Juhi: Yes, ⁓ so they can follow me at Dr. Juhee, that's D-O-C-T-O-R-J-U-H-I on Instagram. And if they DM me the word load, I have a special surprise for them. So ⁓ just DM me the word load, L-O-A-D, and I'll send you my free guide on invisible load that most of the women physicians are dealing with today. Santina Wheat: Absolutely. Thank you so much for sharing that. ⁓ And I will make sure that we link that in the show notes in case you were driving and unable to write that down at this moment. Dr. Chui, thank you so much for joining me today. I really appreciate it. And thank you, everyone, for listening today. Don't forget that you can get free continuing education or CME credit by listening to this by going to the Learn at Pinnacle app. And that will also be linked in the show notes as well. to seeing you next time on The Hidden Lude.