Latest / The Letterbox Podcast / Dear Grandparents | Letter 4: A family’s NICU story

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Dear Grandparents | Letter 4: A family’s NICU story · The Letterbox Podcast

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Hello and welcome back to the Letterbox podcast, the place
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where real people share the real letters they've written about
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the things that mean the most to them.
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I'm Lucy, and today you are joining us for Part 4 of Doctor
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Catherine's miniseries for Niku Awareness Week.
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So far, we've heard letters to her daughter, her son, and her
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husband. Today, she writes to the four
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people who helped hold everything together around then,
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the grandparents. Because while Catherine and her
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husband were parenting their own children, their parents were
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watching their son and daughter go through something they could
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never have imagined for them. They couldn't change what was
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happening. They couldn't make their
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granddaughter well, but they could show up.
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And that is what they did. This letter is about what they
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gave the family, but it's also about the things that Catherine
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didn't have capacity to recognise at the time.
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Their worry, their helplessness and what it must have been like
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to watch a child of your own become frightened for their
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baby. Before I share this very honest
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and reflective letter, I would love it if you could press the
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follow button wherever you are listening.
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It is the single best way that you can support the podcast and
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it will help Catherine's letters be heard by so many more people.
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And it might just end up with somebody who really needed to
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hear it today. And now for Catherine's letter
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to the village supporting her family, the grandparents.
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Dear Grandparents, Well Mummy and Daddy and Granny and
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Grandpa, the four of you have been invaluable.
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People talk about having a village when you have children
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and I guess whilst we've seen a lot of you and had a lot of fun,
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we live far apart and we don't really have a village here in
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that sense. But you guys really rose to it
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over the last 18 months. You showed up, you supported us,
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you made things possible when they felt impossible.
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And I guess what's really strange is that we're just your
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babies, really. We're grown-ups, we have our own
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children, our own home, our own jobs and responsibilities and
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lives. But underneath all of that we
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are still your babies. And suddenly your babies had a
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baby who was sick. I don't think I really thought
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about what that must have been like for you.
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I was so busy being her mum, so busy trying to understand what
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was happening, trying to keep everyone going, trying to be
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there for her and for her brother and for my husband.
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I didn't always have the space to think about you, but you were
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watching, you were worrying and you were waiting for the phone
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to ring. And perhaps one of the hardest
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things for you was that you couldn't fix this.
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You couldn't make her heart different, you couldn't make the
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surgery unnecessary. You couldn't take away the fear
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and you couldn't take it away from me either, because I think
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that's one of the strange things about being a parent.
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Even when your children are grown up, you never really stop
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wanting to protect them. And perhaps you had to watch me
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go through something you would have done anything to spare me
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from. You had to watch your baby
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become frightened and then watch your baby become a mum who was
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frightened for her own baby. And somehow you still had to
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know what to do. I remember expecting that when
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you arrived at the hospital you would let me break.
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I thought I would see you and everything I'd been holding in
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would just come pouring out. Finally, someone I could lean
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on. Finally my mum.
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Someone who knew me before all of this.
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Someone who could just hold me whilst I cried.
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But I didn't. I couldn't.
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Sometimes that still feels strange to me because I had my
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mum there and I did feel safer because you were there.
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Somehow just knowing you in the hospital made the world feel a
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tiny bit less frightening, and knowing that my husband could go
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back to our other boy because you were there too meant I could
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stay where I needed to be. You gave us somewhere to put
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some of the weight, but I still couldn't put mine down.
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It was like being trapped inside some strange TARDIS of a
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hospital room. Everything was happening in
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there, and time had become completely distorted, and
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somehow I was both completely overwhelmed and completely
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unable to reach the emotion of it.
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I knew I was frightened. I knew I was heartbroken.
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I knew I should be crying. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't
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break down, not then, not properly.
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There was still a job to do. There was still a baby to watch,
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there were still doctors to listen to, questions to answer,
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and things to remember. So even when the people I loved
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most arrived, I had finally had somewhere safe to put it all and
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somewhere to fall, I just didn't.
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I stayed upright. I stayed functional.
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And I think that's something I'm only really understanding now.
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Sometimes safety doesn't immediately make you fall apart.
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I know that. I'm a psychologist.
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Sometimes you're so used to holding yourself together that
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even when someone finally offers to hold you, you don't know how
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to let go. And I think there must have been
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another kind of helplessness for you that I didn't really
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understand at the time. You didn't have all the
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information. You weren't in every
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appointment. You weren't hearing every
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conversation with the doctors. You weren't seeing every test
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result or knowing every number. You were getting it all through
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US. And I'm sorry if sometimes that
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wasn't enough. I know there were probably times
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when you did want to know more, when you wanted to understand
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exactly what was happening and I didn't have the energy to
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explain it or I didn't want to talk about it.
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Sometimes I just couldn't. And sometimes I didn't want her
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whole life to become a medical update.
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I didn't want every conversation about my baby to be about her
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heart, her oxygen, her surgery or what the doctors had said
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that day. She was still just her.
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She's funny, she's beautiful. She was kind of growing, she was
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learning things. She's our baby.
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And I wanted to protect that for her, but also for me, because
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every time I told the story, I had to go back into it.
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Every time I explained what happened, I had to remember it.
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And sometimes I needed to save my strength for the next
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appointment, the next procedure, the next difficult conversation.
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So I'm sorry, I am sorry if there were times when you felt
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shut out. It wasn't because I didn't trust
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you. It wasn't because I didn't want
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you to know. I was just trying to work out
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how much of this world I could carry and how much I could ask
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other people to carry for me. And perhaps you had to live with
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that strange distance too, knowing that something enormous
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was happening to your granddaughter, but having to
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wait for your daughter to tell you about it.
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Or your daughter-in-law, trusting that if something
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really important happened, we would tell you, but knowing
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there were probably whole pieces of it that you would never see.
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I'm sorry for that, but I hope you know that we were trying.
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We were trying to give you what you needed.
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We were trying to let you support us, and we were trying
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somehow to make sure that her life was still bigger than what
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was happening medically. I was trying to save some part
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of her childhood from becoming a story about hospitals, and I was
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trying to save some part for myself, too.
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And I know there was another complicated thing underneath all
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of this. I think at times I was angry,
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maybe even jealous, because it felt like the distress couldn't
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be yours. You didn't get to own all of
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this. You had to support us.
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You had to be strong. You had to tell us it would be
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OK. You had to worry about us
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worrying, worry about the children and somehow keep
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yourselves together. And I think there were moments
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when I needed you to be grandparents, not another person
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I had to look after. I needed to be able to fall
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apart without wondering whether you were falling apart too.
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I needed you to hold me. And I think I was sometimes
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angry when I could feel how much this was hurting you.
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But I know obviously that's not fair because you were grieving
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too. You were sad for your babies, us
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for me, for my husband, for what we were going through.
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You were frightened for your grandchildren, and you were
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watching your own child hurt in a way that you couldn't protect
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me from. You were carrying your own
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version of this story. You just didn't always have the
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luxury of putting it down in front of us.
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Perhaps that's what grandparents do sometimes.
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They carry some of their fear quietly because their children
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already have enough. You showed up anyway.
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Sometimes that meant taking, taking care of our boy when we
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couldn't. And I need to say something
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about that too, because we were so grateful.
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So, so grateful. Knowing that he was safe.
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Knowing that he was happy, or as happy as he could be in all of
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this. Knowing how much you were doing
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for him and how far above and beyond you were going.
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And we could focus on where we needed to be.
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You gave us permission to be with our baby.
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You let me know that my boy was OK, and that was invaluable.
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Sometimes, Oh my God, sometimes I was jealous too.
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And I feel almost guilty admitting that because you were
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doing exactly what we needed you to do and exactly what we asked.
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But then you would tell me something completely ordinary,
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that you'd had to go and get him new shoes because his didn't fit
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anymore, and it would feel like a stab to the heart because his
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feet had grown and I hadn't seen them grow.
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You were there when he needed new shoes.
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You were seeing the ordinary things that we were missing, and
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suddenly this tiny piece of irrelevant everyday life became
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a reminder that my son, our son, was growing up without us there
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to see all of it. I hated that.
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Not you, never you. I was just jealous of the time,
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jealous of the ordinary, jealous that someone else was getting to
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do the things that we wanted to be doing.
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And I think there was guilt there, too, because I knew you
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were giving me the most precious gift you could possibly give us.
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You were looking after our boys so that we could look after our
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girl. Both things were true.
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I was incredibly grateful, but it hurt.
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That's the strange thing about all of this.
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Two things can be true at once. Again, I know that as a
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psychologist, you can be grateful and jealous, relieved
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and heartbroken. You can know someone is doing
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exactly the right thing and still wish desperately that you
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were the one doing it. And I know you were frightened
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too. I wonder now how much of that
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you did keep from us. How many times you put down the
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phone after speaking to us and cried.
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How many times you waited for an update and tried not to imagine
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what was happening. How many times you told
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yourselves everything would be OK because you knew that we
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needed to hear that. I'm sorry if it didn't always
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see it. I think I was consumed by being
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her mum, that I forgot you were her grandparents and that you
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loved her too. Not just her, just all of her.
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Her face, her smile, her laugh, her strength, her ridiculous
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little personality. You got to know her through all
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of this too. And I think that's something I'm
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really grateful for, because amongst all of the fear and
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appointments and hospitals and everything that happened, she
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was still just your granddaughter, your beautiful,
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funny, tenacious little girl. And you all loved her.
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You loved her through all of it. And I want to mention the other
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people who helped us too. Your children are siblings, both
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doctors themselves, both invaluable in ways that are
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difficult to put into words. Matt's sister, so far away in
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Australia, but never really feeling far away when we needed
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her checking in, helping us make sense of things, giving us
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another pair of eyes and another voice when everything felt
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overwhelming. And my brother close by, who
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could be there in person, who came, who visited, who helped us
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understand what was happening When things became particularly
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complicated after her surgery, there was something incredibly
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comforting about having people who understood the medicine but
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who knew and understood us. People who could translate some
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of the language, who could help us ask the right questions, who
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could tell us when something was worse, what was worth worrying
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about and when perhaps it wasn't.
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And more than that, people who loved her.
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I felt very held by them. And you probably did, too,
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because sometimes you don't need someone to fix anything.
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You just need someone who understands the seriousness of
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it. Someone who can stand beside you
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and say, yeah, this is a lot, and then stay.
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And they did that for us. And I am so grateful.
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I think there's something very strange about becoming a parent
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and then years later, needing your own parents in a completely
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different way. You don't necessarily want to be
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looked after. You certainly don't want them to
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know how frightened you are. But sometimes you need them
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anyway. And you were there.
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You didn't make it about yourselves.
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You didn't ask us to reassure you.
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You didn't mean need us to make you feel better.
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You just loved us, and I think that might be what a village
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actually is. Not really people who live just
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down the road, not people who are there every day, but people
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who, when something really matters, show up.
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People who make you feel that even when the world has become
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frightening and unfamiliar, you're not standing in it alone.
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So thank you for loving our children, for loving us, for
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loving us even when we were exhausted and distracted and
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probably not very good at showing you how much we needed
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you. Thank you for being our parents
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whilst we were trying to be parents ourselves.
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And perhaps that's what makes all of this feel so strange.
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We became parents again and again over those last 18 months.
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But underneath all of it, we're still your babies.
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And I think I'll always be grateful for that.
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When we needed you, you remembered that you showed up.
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You held us in whatever ways you could.
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Thank you. Oh.
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Thank you so much again for an incredibly thoughtful, well
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written, beautifully read better, Catherine.
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I'm sure it will mean the absolute world to your parents
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and to your husband's parents to hear you saying those words.
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It is so true of grandparents that it's easy to forget that as
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adults, we are still their babies, and the love, fear,
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protection that we have over our own children will never stop, no
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matter how old they get. For all the grandparents and
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extended family members, this letter goes to you.
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That was letter four, and there are still three more letters to
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come, each one, each one written to someone who becomes part of
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Catherine's experience through all of those months.
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If you've been listening from the beginning, thank you so much
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for being here for this story. And if you're new to the series,
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I really recommend going back and listening to them in order
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if you haven't already. Make sure you find and press
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that volume buttons. You don't miss the next one.
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These letters were written by Doctor Catherine.
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Her social media is tagged in the show notes, so make sure you
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go and check out her page. We'll see you again tomorrow for
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the next letter. Sending you all my love, Lucy.