Latest / Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell / Before You End Your Marriage: 3 Questions to Consider

Transcript

Before You End Your Marriage: 3 Questions to Consider · Reflect Reclaim & Liberate - with Sallyanne Hartnell

• 0:01
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate, a podcast covering all things relationships, separation, and divorce.
• 0:09
  SPEAKER_00: How to create healthy, happy, fulfilling relationships without sacrificing any part of yourself.
• 0:15
  SPEAKER_00: Supporting anyone feeling challenged in their relationship or marriage.
• 0:19
  SPEAKER_00: These are confidential conversations for you if you're navigating separation, divorce or reorganising life afterwards.
• 0:27
  SPEAKER_00: Decide whether to stay or leave a relationship or marriage, divorce with less drama, and consciously choose what's next for you.
• 0:36
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge the traditional owners of the land on which this podcast is recorded, the Warrentry people of the Coolin Nation, and pay my respects to their elders, past, present, and emerging.
• 0:45
  SPEAKER_00: I acknowledge them as the original storytellers of this land.
• 0:49
  SPEAKER_00: Welcome to today's episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 0:53
  SPEAKER_00: And today I'm going to talk about a big decision, a big life decision, one that is deeply emotional, confusing, can feel, well usually feels really overwhelming, and let's face it, a decision that is life-altering, or as I like to reframe it with my clients, a coarse correction.
• 1:14
  SPEAKER_00: And that is the decision to divorce.
• 1:17
  SPEAKER_00: Answering that should I stay?
• 1:19
  SPEAKER_00: Should I go?
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Question.
• 1:21
  SPEAKER_00: Should we keep fighting for this relationship?
• 1:24
  SPEAKER_00: Is there more we can do?
• 1:25
  SPEAKER_00: Or is it over?
• 1:27
  SPEAKER_00: Are we done?
• 1:28
  SPEAKER_00: Am I done?
• 1:29
  SPEAKER_00: Should I stay?
• 1:30
  SPEAKER_00: Should I go?
• 1:31
  SPEAKER_00: And three questions that you can ask yourself before deciding to divorce.
• 1:37
  SPEAKER_00: These questions are also really powerful to answer retrospectively.
• 1:43
  SPEAKER_00: You know, what did I, how did I show up or not show up in my previous, in my past relationship.
• 1:48
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're already out the other side of a partnership, a marriage, a relationship, perhaps thinking about what's coming for you, a future relationship, and not wanting to recreate what you've experienced previously, these questions can absolutely help you.
• 2:05
  SPEAKER_00: So don't dismiss this episode if you are beyond the should I stay, should I go phase?
• 2:10
  SPEAKER_00: The questions that I'm going to lead you through are super helpful wherever you're at.
• 2:16
  SPEAKER_00: Questioning a relationship, looking back on a relationship, about to embark on a new relationship, they can be supportive.
• 2:23
  SPEAKER_00: So if you're here, chances are you are or you've been in that space, sitting in indecision, turning that decision over and over in your head, playing out all the possible scenarios and feeling stuck in that space, in that uncertainty.
• 2:41
  SPEAKER_00: So maybe you're questioning currently whether you can keep going in a relationship, or maybe you're wondering if there's a different way, another way forward.
• 2:49
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever has brought you to this moment, this crash point, this crossroads.
• 2:54
  SPEAKER_00: I want you to know that it's okay to pause.
• 2:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's absolutely okay to stop and take a breath because we can put so much pressure on ourselves to make a decision, to choose.
• 3:12
  SPEAKER_00: To pause, it's absolutely okay to take your time to consider all the angles and the possibilities and the future scenarios.
• 3:20
  SPEAKER_00: And pausing is exactly what I'm going to invite you to do today.
• 3:24
  SPEAKER_00: Because before you make a life-changing, life-altering, course-correcting decision like divorce, it is really important to take that step back to breathe and to get really clear about what's going on for you.
• 3:38
  SPEAKER_00: So today I'm going to share some powerful questions to help you reflect on yourself, on your relationship, reconnect with yourself, with your desires, with your values, and anchor into what you really want for your future, what you really want to create for your future and how you want the next phase of your life, and let's face it, the rest of your life to look and to feel.
• 4:03
  SPEAKER_00: These aren't questions with simple and easy answers, but they will help you uncover what's true for you.
• 4:11
  SPEAKER_00: So grab a journal if that's your thing, take some notes, write the questions down for pondering later, or just let all of this sink in as I chat through the three questions to ask yourself before you decide to divorce.
• 4:26
  SPEAKER_00: Question number one: Does this relationship align with the life I'm trying to create?
• 4:34
  SPEAKER_00: Does this relationship align with the life I'm trying to create?
• 4:39
  SPEAKER_00: Let's start really big.
• 4:41
  SPEAKER_00: Think about the life you want to create.
• 4:44
  SPEAKER_00: Not the life you think you should want or the one other people, society, family expect you to have, but the life that feels like you.
• 4:54
  SPEAKER_00: The life that allows and embodies the truest version of you.
• 5:02
  SPEAKER_00: When you imagine that life, now come back to your relationship.
• 5:06
  SPEAKER_00: Does your relationship support that vision?
• 5:10
  SPEAKER_00: Are your goals and values aligned?
• 5:13
  SPEAKER_00: For example, maybe you've realized that you value adventure and growth, but your partner craves routine and stability.
• 5:21
  SPEAKER_00: Or maybe you're dreaming of building a certain kind of future and your partner just doesn't share that vision.
• 5:28
  SPEAKER_00: This is not about judgment, this is not about right or wrong, it's about whether your paths are moving in the same direction, whether your relationship as it exists aligns with the life you're trying to create.
• 5:45
  SPEAKER_00: And if you don't know what kind of life you're trying to create, start there.
• 5:49
  SPEAKER_00: Get really clear about what matters most to you.
• 5:53
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want your days to feel like?
• 5:55
  SPEAKER_00: What's non-negotiable in your future?
• 5:58
  SPEAKER_00: Think about life in five, ten, even twenty years' time.
• 6:02
  SPEAKER_00: What do you want that life to look like?
• 6:05
  SPEAKER_00: How do you want to be spending your time?
• 6:08
  SPEAKER_00: And does being in this relationship, exactly as it is, if nothing changes, does being in this relationship support you to create that life for yourself?
• 6:18
  SPEAKER_00: Your relationship should feel like it's helping you move towards that life, it is supporting you to create and build and expand into that version of you, to create and build that life, not pull you away from it or not keep you from it?
• 6:35
  SPEAKER_00: So the first question: Does this relationship align with the life I'm trying to create?
• 6:42
  SPEAKER_00: Does this relationship have the capacity to hold space for you to move toward and into the life you most want to be living?
• 6:51
  SPEAKER_00: Question number two Does this relationship allow me to be all of who I am and expand into who I'm becoming?
• 7:02
  SPEAKER_00: This question is about expansion.
• 7:04
  SPEAKER_00: In this relationship, do you feel seen and supported and free to grow, to challenge yourself, to stretch, to evolve, or do you feel like it's holding you back?
• 7:16
  SPEAKER_00: That being in this relationship feels like you're holding back parts of yourself, staying small, smaller than you'd like to be, smaller than you know you have capacity to be.
• 7:27
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've stopped voicing your wants and needs.
• 7:31
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've stopped expressing certain opinions or thoughts to avoid conflict, avoid argument.
• 7:37
  SPEAKER_00: Perhaps you've set aside or put on hold dreams, hobbies, goals, even telling yourself it's just for now because they don't align with your partner's hopes, dreams, goals, expectations.
• 7:51
  SPEAKER_00: A healthy relationship creates space or has space for both people to be their full authentic self.
• 8:00
  SPEAKER_00: It doesn't mean that everything is perfect all the time, but it does mean you feel safe and supported and encouraged in your growth and your expansion, that there is room for both who you are now and who you're expanding into.
• 8:16
  SPEAKER_00: You are not held to remain the same forever.
• 8:20
  SPEAKER_00: There is room and space and encouragement and support to expand into a newer version of yourself.
• 8:27
  SPEAKER_00: So again, let's think about the future.
• 8:29
  SPEAKER_00: Imagine the version of you that's a little bit older, a little bit wiser, a little more aligned with your dream, a little more in tune with the life you most want to create, the life we talked about in question one, and stepping forward into living that version of life.
• 8:48
  SPEAKER_00: Can you see that version of you thriving in this relationship?
• 8:54
  SPEAKER_00: Or does the idea of staying feel like it might hold you back or prevent you from that life?
• 9:01
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you've tried to have the same conversations over and over about personal growth or shared dreams, but they always seem to go in circles.
• 9:09
  SPEAKER_00: You can't come to an agreement, you don't have a shared vision.
• 9:14
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe the relationship feels like it's more aligned with maintaining status quo, keeping things the same, static, peaceful, harmonious, rather than supporting each other's expansion.
• 9:30
  SPEAKER_00: And if you're not sure, try journaling about how you feel both in and out of the relationship.
• 9:36
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel energized?
• 9:37
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel uplifted?
• 9:38
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel supported?
• 9:39
  SPEAKER_00: Or do you feel drained?
• 9:41
  SPEAKER_00: Do you feel like you're growing and expanding and changing, or do you feel like you're stuck?
• 9:45
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe you feel like you're growing, changing, expanding, and you're looking back over your shoulder at somebody else, a different version who is in relationship with a different version of you?
• 9:55
  SPEAKER_00: Do you find yourself constantly looking over over your shoulder and wondering if your partner is growing with you or staying exactly where they are, or growing in a different direction?
• 10:07
  SPEAKER_00: Again, no one is wrong or bad here.
• 10:09
  SPEAKER_00: It's about alignment.
• 10:11
  SPEAKER_00: Does staying, does being, does existing in this relationship help you expand, or does it keep you in stasis?
• 10:19
  SPEAKER_00: Does it keep you small?
• 10:21
  SPEAKER_00: Is there room for me to expand into who I want to become if I stay?
• 10:27
  SPEAKER_00: Ask yourself, does staying help me expand?
• 10:32
  SPEAKER_00: Or does it keep me small?
• 10:36
  SPEAKER_00: Does staying mean I'm letting go of a big dream, of something more, of something bigger for myself and my life?
• 10:45
  SPEAKER_00: Or am I encouraged within this relationship to expand and grow and stretch and change?
• 10:51
  SPEAKER_00: Does this relationship allow me to be all of who I am and also all of who I'm becoming?
• 10:59
  SPEAKER_00: The third question might feel a little challenging or uncomfortable, but it is such an important question.
• 11:07
  SPEAKER_00: And that is what am I tolerating or allowing?
• 11:12
  SPEAKER_00: What are you tolerating in this relationship?
• 11:15
  SPEAKER_00: Are there behaviours, dynamics, or situations you've been putting up with, even though they drain or frustrate you or they bump up against your boundaries or accepting them means going against your relationship values or your life values?
• 11:31
  SPEAKER_00: There's a big difference between compromise, healthy give and take, moving towards win-win situations and tolerating, which is one sided.
• 11:43
  SPEAKER_00: If the themes in this episode are resonating with you, if it's bringing up things that you would like to explore on a deeper level with me, you can book a free intro call via the link in the show notes and we can discuss coaching options.
• 11:58
  SPEAKER_00: I would love to support you.
• 12:00
  SPEAKER_00: And now back to this week's episode.
• 12:04
  SPEAKER_00: Do you dodge or avoid hard conversation because you're uncomfortable with or frightened of conflict?
• 12:11
  SPEAKER_00: Do you let go of your personal goals or dreams or hopes or desires, not voice your wants, needs, desires in order to keep the peace?
• 12:21
  SPEAKER_00: Do you move through this relationship feeling unseen, unheard, undervalued?
• 12:26
  SPEAKER_00: Take a moment or a few moments to really honestly and deeply reflect on whether and what you're tolerating and ask yourself: if a friend came to me with this same story, what would I say to them?
• 12:43
  SPEAKER_00: What would I say to him or her or them?
• 12:47
  SPEAKER_00: What are you tolerating?
• 12:48
  SPEAKER_00: What are you allowing?
• 12:50
  SPEAKER_00: It's also about what you're not willing to look at, which is why it's such a big question to ask yourself.
• 12:59
  SPEAKER_00: And then think about this.
• 13:01
  SPEAKER_00: What would it look like to stop tolerating and start choosing?
• 13:07
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe that does mean setting firmer or healthier boundaries or having the hard conversations.
• 13:13
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it does mean speaking up, owning your wants and your dreams and your desires and speaking them out loud.
• 13:20
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it means acknowledging that you've been stuck in a pattern that needs to change.
• 13:25
  SPEAKER_00: Maybe it means approaching conflict in healthier ways.
• 13:30
  SPEAKER_00: Whatever you have been allowing or tolerating or accepting, look at that.
• 13:35
  SPEAKER_00: It's a really strong indicator, a strong message for you and an indicator of things that need to change.
• 13:46
  SPEAKER_00: Again, this question isn't about blame or shame.
• 13:51
  SPEAKER_00: It's not about blaming yourself or shaming yourself or blaming or shaming your partner.
• 13:57
  SPEAKER_00: It's about clarity.
• 13:58
  SPEAKER_00: It's about recognizing that you deserve to feel seen, valued, and supported, and you deserve to be in a relationship where all of you is welcomed and supported and loved, even the messy hard parts, the shadow parts that you really don't want to look at yourself, let alone bring to the light for a partner.
• 14:17
  SPEAKER_00: So what am I tolerating or allowing?
• 14:19
  SPEAKER_00: And again, I say as I said earlier, it will feel uncomfortable, but it's a question that cuts straight in, straight to the heart of where you are and offers you an opportunity, a chance to get brutally raw and honest with yourself and then take radical personal responsibility.
• 14:36
  SPEAKER_00: Because let's be real, if you were completely happy and fulfilled in your relationship, you wouldn't be here.
• 14:42
  SPEAKER_00: You wouldn't be listening to this.
• 14:43
  SPEAKER_00: So what are you putting up with in this relationship?
• 14:46
  SPEAKER_00: Patterns, behaviors, dynamics that you've been tolerating, things that drain you, frustrate you, or make you feel smaller than you really are.
• 14:57
  SPEAKER_00: Tolerating is about slowly chipping away, eroding your own needs, your desires, your self-worth for whatever reason, to keep the peace, to keep the relationship, whatever it is.
• 15:10
  SPEAKER_00: So again, I invite you to reflect.
• 15:15
  SPEAKER_00: Are you feeling unseen, unheard, undervalued?
• 15:18
  SPEAKER_00: Are you avoiding difficult conversations because you're afraid of what might come up?
• 15:22
  SPEAKER_00: You're afraid of the conflict or how your partner will react or that it might mean the end of the relationship?
• 15:28
  SPEAKER_00: Have you let go of personal dreams, ambitions, parts of yourself to remain in this relationship?
• 15:35
  SPEAKER_00: And do you feel like you're constantly managing someone else's emotions or life at the expense of your own?
• 15:45
  SPEAKER_00: What would it look like to stop tolerating and start choosing?
• 15:49
  SPEAKER_00: And are you willing to get really brutally honest with yourself and answer the question of what am I tolerating?
• 15:59
  SPEAKER_00: What am I allowing?
• 16:01
  SPEAKER_00: So, where do these questions leave you?
• 16:04
  SPEAKER_00: As I said at the beginning of the episode, you don't have to have all the answers right now.
• 16:09
  SPEAKER_00: This process is about pausing.
• 16:11
  SPEAKER_00: It isn't about rushing to a decision.
• 16:14
  SPEAKER_00: It's about pausing, reconnecting with yourself, going deep and getting brutally honest.
• 16:22
  SPEAKER_00: Leaving a marriage, leaving a long-term relationship, divorce, it's one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make.
• 16:30
  SPEAKER_00: It is okay to take your time.
• 16:32
  SPEAKER_00: It's okay to ask the hard questions.
• 16:34
  SPEAKER_00: In fact, it's really important to ask those hard questions of each other, yes, but also of yourself.
• 16:41
  SPEAKER_00: And it's okay to choose what's right for you, even if it goes against all of your conditioning, all of your expectation, everything that you thought you would choose for yourself, even if it's not what everybody else expects.
• 16:55
  SPEAKER_00: You're allowed to want more, you're allowed to prioritize yourself, and whatever happens next, you are more than enough.
• 17:05
  SPEAKER_00: And you deserve all of it.
• 17:07
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve a relationship where you don't have to tolerate or allow.
• 17:11
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve a relationship that sees and holds space for all of you, that sees and has space for who you're expanding into.
• 17:20
  SPEAKER_00: You deserve a relationship where you are that for your partner as well.
• 17:26
  SPEAKER_00: So just to recap, the three questions are does this relationship align with the life I'm trying to create?
• 17:35
  SPEAKER_00: Question number two, does this relationship allow me to be all of who I am and all of who I'm becoming?
• 17:44
  SPEAKER_00: And question three, what am I tolerating or allowing?
• 17:49
  SPEAKER_00: As always, thank you for being here.
• 17:51
  SPEAKER_00: If you know someone who would feel supported to listen to this or any other podcast episode, please share with them.
• 18:00
  SPEAKER_00: And I would love it if you would rate, review, follow the podcast.
• 18:05
  SPEAKER_00: It allows us to get it into the ears of all the other beautiful humans just like you who might need to hear it.
• 18:12
  SPEAKER_00: And as you ponder your own answers to these questions, I invite you to go gently.
• 18:18
  SPEAKER_00: Thanks for being here.
• 18:19
  SPEAKER_00: Until next time, bye for now.
• 18:22
  SPEAKER_00: I'm Sally Ann Hartnell, divorce coach and strategist, and you've been listening to Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:28
  SPEAKER_00: You can follow me on Instagram at Reflect Coaching, and if you can think of anyone who would love or benefit from listening to this episode, please share it with them.
• 18:36
  SPEAKER_00: I'd also be so grateful if you would follow and review the podcast so we can get it in the ears of a whole lot more people just like you who are ready to reclaim and liberate themselves in life and love.
• 18:48
  SPEAKER_00: I hope you'll join me next week for another episode of Reflect, Reclaim and Liberate.
• 18:52
  SPEAKER_00: Until then,